Badie

The Kerbal Chronicles

120 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Bob Kerman Comes to Bargain, Almost Makes it to Plock

Passing Sarnus on a failed trajectory towards distant Plock, Bob Kerman was faced with a terrible choice: Maroon his crew with only a fruit cake to sustain them, or exit the capsule and use a fire extinguisher for a totally believable correction burn like Sandra Kullock did.

It was against these impossible odds that Bob found a third solution. He turned on his suit lights, leapt daringly out of the capsule, and swooped into space on RCS thrusters.

“Kormammu, I’ve come to bargain,” he intoned.

Hopelessly adrift, the despondent crew pulled out Blues harmonicas.

But a reverse blur of motion unfurled. Bob leapt daringly out of his capsule again, now against Jool’s looming atmosphere. “Kormammu, I’ve come to bargain!”

They belly-flopped into Jool’s cloudtops. One cubic octagonal strut survived. Naturally.

Improbably, Bob leapt out once more.

“Kormammu, I’ve come to bargain!”

Time reversed; the Mun abruptly dominated their viewports. A stray reaction wheel twirled mockingly over a mountain. A pebble tumbled.

“Kormammu, I’ve come to bargain!”

Solid rocket boosters separated prematurely along with the launch clamps on take-off, spiraling crazily. The remaining stages teetered with no engines firing, collapsing in flames because a tiny wing came off. One SRB hit the parking lot and scratched Gene Kerman’s expensive-looking KMW.

“Kormammu…!”

Finally, Kormammu the Kraken appeared physically and responded with a frustrated wail. “No! Stop! Make this stop! Set me free!”

“No,” Bob said finally, prepared to have all flights reverted forever. “I’ve come to bargain.”

“What do you want?” the Kraken asked imperiously.

Bob Kerman considered his foe carefully. This vast devil had vexed nearly every launch he could remember.

“I want…” he said.

“Yes…?”

“I demand…” Bob continued.

“Yes? Yes?!” Kormammu blurted, his infinite patience rent asunder. “Speak the words!”

Bob clasped his fist high overhead. “…a plushie!

Edited by JonathanPerregaux
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Posted (edited)

Phonecall

"Yeah,can I speak with Wehrner? That would be great, thank you... Hello Mr. von Kerman - I have just seen the materials you provided me last week, and I must say, I am impressed. When do you think we may start preparations... say in three years? I would like to make it happen during my term. WHAT? Yeah I should have some time at the end of the month, I will say Liz to send you my schedule..."

 

"But I see actualy quite a problem in your plans. You see, we cannot send some automaton in a rocket. No I do not care about details, we will not send an atuomatic probe, that is an order! I am absolutely serious about this Mr. von Kerman."

 

"No... are you kidding me? Flies? No, press would not swallow that. Would they by so stupid, we could send dogs or trained monkey first. No, that is not a good idea. I was joking! What is wrong with you, have you been smelling that monopropelant stuff? It did not look healthy by the papers I red. We will send a Kerbal, you said you have a capsule almost ready..."

 

"I can live with 2 month delay, but it must be a Kerbonaut... I see... No! It is final and if you are afraid, than make it safer, isn't it your job by the way?"

 

"THAT is a good question actualy."

 

"We need a face... photogenic material, huge smile, optimism. One of them? I do not know, they almost ruined the last campaign of mine. And people love them. they could die..."

 

"On the other hand it is good idea. Take the guy what was his name... Jebediah. She will go later. OK, sounds like a plan."

 

"And it is Mr. President to you!”

 

Edited by Skalgrin

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SNACKS in SPACE

There’s a company behind most of the snacks in space & that’s Kerpool. Before the KSC was barely a dream, Kerpool, one of Kerbin’s oldest appliance & duct tape manufactures, worked in secret on the KOL (Kerbal Orbiting Laboratory). space station,  an early design for a Kerbal crewed orbital laboratory.

Engineers at Kerpool were mainly responsible for designing what would become known as the first space kitchen & more commonly referred to as the “snackshack”. Along with solving the problems of producing food for space travel. KOL was made public as the Kerbal Air Force’s way to learn more about how Kerbals could work in space, however it turned out later to be a spy space station with a large oversized refrigerator attached to it. Only a mockup flew but many of the KOL astronauts who trained to fly in it were transferred to the Kerbal X and Dynawing programs.

The “snackshack” was more than a bolted on refrigerator, it had food! Kerpool was also heavily involved in the development of the food that was to go into space as well as the methods of preparing & storing it beforehand. 

The last three planned Kerbal X missions were cancelled & from some of the parts Klylab was fashioned. Given that the crews would be staying for longer durations onboard than during the Kerbal X  moon missions, Kerpool was challenged with creating a truly fully functional space kitchen. Their design would ultimately include a “table” where the crew could float around & share a meal together, something still done onboard the Kerbal Space Station.
having been prepared especially for the rigors of spaceflight. Some of these food items were designed to fit into a special tray that warmed up some of  the foods. 

Many off the shelf snacks maker their way into space these days but in the early days of space travel, Kerpool was instrumental in making sure the Kerbonauts were fed!

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The Cult of Tsiolkovsky is hosting a celebration at the Space Center next Thursday to commemorate the completion of the LV-N research and development program. The most prominent members of the Cult will be in attendance: the Orange Suits Jebediah, Bill, Bob, and Valentina; Director Gene; Financial Operations Administrator Mortimer; and the Chief Design Operator himself, Wernher von Kerman. Festivities will include the Ode to the Logarithm, performed by the up-and-coming group The Oberth Effect, a synchronized launching of the Sacred Boosters, free snacks, and a particularly large explosion at twenty kilometers downrange. Attendees are invited to bring their sunglasses. The Tsiolkovskii ask for a small donation towards the Bring Them Home Initiative, in which the Tsiolkovskii will turn an asteroid the size of a small moon into a small moon the size of an asteroid. Raffle tickets are also on sale. Prizes include scale models of iconic spacecraft, replica mission patches, conscription into the astronaut corps, and a portrait of Konstantine Tsiolkovsky himself, autographed by Wernher von Kerman and Jebediah themselves. Admission is free. Children must be accompanied by an adult who can sign the waivers. The event will be held in the Astronaut Complex and the surrounding lawn.

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KSC's Engineering Team Awarded Medal for Uncanny Persistence

Relay Satellite Launched for Just Under 2.3 million Kerbucks

 

The Kerbal Space Center's engineering department has been ingratiated with the Kontinental Medal for Outstanding Resillience, after having successfully placed in high Kerbin orbit a fully functioning relay satellite, equipped with the new and improved RA-100 Relay Antenna, manufactured by Ionic Symphonic Protonic Electronics, which is replacing the outdated models currently in orbit.

The decision to attribute the award to this team stems from the otherworldly difficulties it had to overcome. Indeed, the first through to the eleventh launches were all comprised of an assortment of instances of insufficient fuel to make LKO, or standstills on the launch pad with engines roaring full blast, sometimes lazily tipping over into a fiery doom. The twelfth launch was thought to have been the one, until the fairing was ejected in orbit and no signal reached Kerbin. It was later found that Leroy Kerman, a janitor at the KSC, mistakenly took the RA-100 Antenna for a communal barbecue grill, and had taken to throwing somewhat of a parking lot low-end cuisine party after his shift. Nobody noticed the missing antenna, or the party.

But at last, the deed was done. An exhausted Bill Kerman, representative of the engineering team, received the award with the following inspiring speech: "This mission took us forever because we had no way of knowing what was going to happen until the engines were actually ignited and things started happening. However, we are very confident that the AI program under development by the intrakerbinal community, codenamed 'Cybutek', will allow us to run all the necessary calculations for future missions before a rocket so much as leaves the VAB. Let's just hope so, because I'm not going through this ever again."

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NEW PROBE CORE UNVIELED! IS THIS THE END OF CREWED SPACEFLIGHT?
By Kuzzter Kerman, Kerbal Chronicles

__________________________________________________________________

Today engineers at Kerbal Space Center unveiled the recently developed Probodobodyne HECS autonomous probe core. The new core provides full command module functionality to any spacecraft, making it possible for most future missions to be entirely uncrewed.

“This exciting new technology,” said intern Linus Kerman, “allows us to control spacecraft remotely, with greater precision than any kerbal pilot.”

“And it’s cheaper!” added Mortimer Kerman, head of Finance.

“As I was saying,” Linus continued, “we can gather science without risking precious lives, and—“

“And it’s cheaper!” Mortimer said again.

Conspicuously absent were any of the living astronauts the core is slated to replace. One, Valentina Kerman—second kerbal to land on the Mun, first to do so in an intact spacecraft—has made no secret of her opinion on uncrewed missions.

“Sure, probes are useful,” she told this correspondent. “But can a probe tell you what it’s like to do the backstroke on Laythe? How scary it is to hear a dust storm coming on Duna? The thrill of jumping off Gilly, and wondering if you’re ever coming down?

“Probes never argue, or panic, or whine when the snacks run out. And if something goes wrong…well, you don’t have to say goodbye to a friend. Maybe someday they’ll make a probe that’s smarter than any kerbal. Smarter than me. But they’ll never make a probe that can dream.”

With that, Valentina boarded her waiting spacecraft: a single-seat capsule atop a jumble of solid boosters, all held together with struts and hope. Seconds after ignition those boosters overheated and exploded, showering the launch pad with flaming debris.

As the smoking capsule rolled to a stop, Valentina kicked out the hatch and threw her helmet to an astonished engineer.

“Face shield’s cracked. Get me a new one—I’m ready to go again.”

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A Word Of The Wise

A hot and humid wind gusted across the balcony. By modern standards, this was a beautiful evening. It had been raining constantly for weeks – the rains interspersed with the regular electrical storms. Right now though, it was a pleasant change to be in the open. An old man sat motionless, an expression of longing creeping into his dreamy eyes. Few people today would waste their time gazing into the night sky. What was there to see? But the few who knew him would have understood the emotions rushing through him as memories from the past drifted through his weary mind. Young Joeely was new here, and was wearing a bemused smile as he watched the old man. Following his gaze, Joeely could see nothing more than the glare of street lamps reflected back from the choking smog that hung relentlessly over the city like a possessive child jealously guarding its toys. It was the same every night. Everyone knew it would come to this eventually. Since the Tipping Point had passed some years ago, few people cared to think about the future anymore. But there was something different about that look in the old man's eyes; his gaze seemed to probe deeply beyond what was really there.

Joeely could no longer constrain himself. “What do you see up there, Jebediah?” he asked. The old man slowly turned his weather-beaten face into the light. “They don’t teach you about it anymore” he replied, “but long before your time, we used to fly out there and explore. I’ve been to places you have probably never even dreamed about. Places we have now forgotten.”

There was a long pause as the words sank in, and Jebediah returned his gaze to the sky.

“What do I see up there? I see our future.”

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Posted (edited)

(wow, there are some really great submissions on here... I'm thinking my only chance may be to go back and re-visit one of my favorite Emiko moments.)

 

Surprise Proposal Stuns World!

 

In a shocking turn of events, what started as a routine Munar science expedition turned into a world shattering moment when lab assistant Harfield Kerman did the unthinkable, live, on camera, and in front of the entire world.... and proposed to his long time lab-partner and girlfriend Jandolin Kerman!

nxEP29f.jpg

BsMhhfM.jpg

7evHHcW.jpg

Ok3nld6.jpg

 Across all of Kerbin, kerbals stopped what they were doing and watched in stunned disbelief. 

Jandolin just stood there, a look of shock on her face. 

The whole world held it's breath... never had a planet been this silent... some claim even the birds paused their singing.

And as a huge smile broke across Jandolin's face, the whole world screamed and cheered and cried.

"Yes, yes.... YES!!!"

cL80OEm.jpg

The ceremony was brief, but lovely, beneath that giant stone Mun arch. Bill Kerman, a long time friend of Jandolin's family, was honored to give away the bride, while Bob Kerman stood as best man, and Valentina Kerman was overjoyed to play the part of the blushing bridesmaid. It was said over 30 million kerbals watched that magic moment, as acting captain Jebediah Kerman joined the happy couple, and Harfield and Jandolin became the first kerbals to be married on the Mun. 

Afterwards, it is estimated that well over 30 million kerbals celebrated across the planet, making it by far the biggest wedding reception in recorded history.

emTPNib.jpg

The crew later returned to Emiko Station without incident, and Harfield and Jandolin Kerman became the first couple to live in space...

...and a legend to the folks on the planet below.

Edited by Just Jim
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Posted (edited)

Veteran Kerbonauts are dead for the One Billionth time

"Not big surprise" Says local man

History has been made. Our good friends Jebediah, Bob, Bill and Valentina have died for the one billionth time. This time they crashed into Moho, bounced off the planet on a collision course with Eve, sped through the atmosphere and lost the solar panels, scraped the side of the Mun, smashed THROUGH Duna, rolled down the Dres Canon and back up, launching them towards Jool, entered played pinball with Jool's moons and finally smacked Eeloo in the forehead, altering it's orbit severely.

Some conspiracy theorists say that the government transfers their consciousnesses to mindless clones, others say that they didn't die at all and the rest think that the government knows how to BEND THE FABRIC OF TIME AND SPACE!

We sent one of our investigators to the KSC to try to get some information, but we never saw them again. However, we have managed to sneak a reporter in and here are the results. "THEY TOTALLY DO NOT GET BROUGHT BACK BY A HIGHER BEING." The reporter says in a suspiciously robotic voice.

Edited by DerpzGames
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New Species Discovered! (Fact or Fiction???)

Earlier today, head KSC officials announced that they have discovered a new planet, inhabited by strange creatures. These creatures have the following description: Tall, heavy, and they speak a strange language. Their home planet (Named Earth (pronounced Ee-rath according to prized linguists)) is almost exactly like Kerbin. A large ship, nicknamed the "Horizon" rocket, will attempt to land on this planet and communicate with this race. However, some are not so certain about this supposed "planet".

"I think it's total [censored]." Raves one homeless person we found on the side of the road citizen. "It's just another reason for the KSC to spend the taxpayers money! Never mind the fact don't pay taxes..."

"This is a wonderful event!" Gene Kerman, Head of the KSC, says. "Now we'll have more means of transport! We can learn their way of life, their technology, and maybe even live there one day! This is a groundbreaking event."

No matter what is decided however, one thing is certain; The 'Horizons', a ship worth billions of funds, will deliver some groundbreaking information. And according to famed pilot Jebediah Kerman, "It's even got kup holders!"

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wow this entries are great! 

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thusly I present my entry. the dotted lines are just "page beaks"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Legend Retires

 

                After spending more than thirty years in the space program and stepping foot, planting flags on nearly every planet and mun in our celestial neighborhood, Jebediah Kerman called a press conference at the Kerbal Space Center.

                Jebediah Kerman took to the podium amidst thunderous applause from those gathered together.

                “My fellow kerbals, it is an honor to be standing here this day. I both regret and am very pleased to announce my retirement from the space program. I have had many adventures, seen many wonderful sights and even scared my fellow kerbonauts Bill and Bob Kerman with my various exploits through the years. I was pleased to take Valentina under my wing and she has blossomed into a wonderful kerbonaut and pilot. The program is lucky to have her. I have had many wonderful conversations throughout the years with as many arguments as breakthroughs in this field. My journey through the stars has run its course. My new mission in life is to explore the mysteries of our own pale blue dot. It truly has been an honor. Thank you.”

                With that, Jebediah stepped off the podium and into the history books. What new adventures and discoveries away him? Only time will tell.

                Gene Kerman was quoted as saying, “There goes one of, if not the best kerbonaut and pilot we ever saw. I wish him well.

                This marks the end of an era, but also a new beginning. Voyages and adventures await us all.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Posted (edited)

Russian Cosmonaut Receives Rare Reverse Honor

Kerbonaut Valentina Kerman became the unwitting benefactor of a special honor today. While mapping Kerbol’s limitless SOI, her craft accidentally zoomed an incredible 198 exameters away from Kerbin.

Her journey went down in history as, “Kind of impressive when you think about it, I guess.”

“That’s 198,000,000,000,000,000,000 meters, boys and girls, or about twelve times the speed of cheese divided by imaginary time squared,” gushed Flight Director Gene Kerman. “Plus seven.”

Her craft pushed the boundaries of the known Universe and entered an uncountable nether realm called The Bleen. Scientists speculate that all left-socks enter this realm at some point.

“Past the first petameter, the whole Universe just convulsed,” Valentina explained to reporters. “I could do nothing but gag uncontrollably for another 50 gigameters, then I puked. I was good after that.”

In honor of this, retired Russian Cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova, 80, who in 1963 became the first woman to have flown in space, was renamed “Valentina Kerman” after her fictional counterpart.

In Soviet Russia, it seems, computer characters name you.

Bozhe moi!” Tereshkova responded during a brief phone interview and hung up.

Fittingly, Tereshkova’s Vostok 6 spaceflight was the first female (femanned?) mission to experience the dreaded Kraken. During routine operations, an error in the control program made her spaceship ascend from orbit instead of descend. If quick-thinking Tereshkova hadn’t switched off her MechJeb, she’d have been marooned forever.

After 48 orbits, Tereshkova steered Vostok 6 with one hand while engaging a de-orbit burn with the other. After a gut-punching re-entry through Earth’s atmosphere, she ejected from the plummeting spacecraft and descended using her own parachute, nearly landing in the middle of a lake. After hitting the ground, she recovered and got lunch with a local family while bathing them in radioactivity.

In other words, a perfectly-executed maneuver.

Edited by JonathanPerregaux
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Posted (edited)

Rocket Program Saved by Invention of Life-Saving Technology

Science took a great leap forward today with the announcement from Kerbal Space Centre of a breakthrough in atmospheric braking technology, encapsulated in a mysterious new device dubbed a “Pop-out Automated Reactive Anti-Crash/Hold-Up-The-End System”.

The device is intended to augment or even replace conventional braking rockets usually fitted to spacecraft for descents from orbit to Kerbin, or even other worlds. Accidents involving the misfiring of braking rockets during launch have blighted the space program since its inception, reported last year following the Kerbal-II disaster.

Such catastrophes could now be a thing of the past. “PARACHUTES use a unique symbol in our rocketry software,” said Gene Kerman, Mission Controller at KSC. “That differentiates them from engines, making their identification much easier for our sequencing team”. When asked why braking rockets couldn’t also use their own unique symbol he declined to comment.

Wehner von Kerman, Famous Rocket Scientist, explained how PARACHUTES work. “You just arm the system, and when the air-pressure and altitude are just right, the mechanism fires. It is just a question of creating a much larger drag cube than the vessel would ordinarily have, and so increasing the aerodynamic force on the craft. For this we use some fabric and old rope."

Low life-expectancy and the risk of sudden and fiery death have seen dwindling recruitment and spiralling snacks budgets, threatening the future of the space program. However, KSC now seems set for a resurgence of aspiring astronauts*.

Tests have been conducted using sub-orbital rockets, with a 99.7% success rate.  Experts at KSC said tests are planned for non-atmospheric worlds, beginning with the upcoming Kerbal-III mission to Mun. We will cover ongoing developments in the project.

*If a life in the void interests you, see our Jobs section for more information.

Edited by The_Rocketeer
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2 hours ago, Badie said:

wow this entries are great! 

I'm telling ya!

I hope Squad considers doing this again sometime down the road!  :)

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2 hours ago, Badie said:

wow this entries are great! 

Best idea ever. Every time I finish one of these, I think I'm done and then something else inspires.

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Interview with Jô Kerman

Jô- Today, we are going to talk with Jebediah Kerman, the first kerbal to walk in Laythe and see Jool with his own eyes. So Jebediah how was your trip ? Tell a little for us.

Jeb- There it had an amazing view, I really enjoyed the mission, theres just one problem...

Jô- What problem ?

Jeb- That spent a lot of time, its very difficult to wait, mainly because I was alone

Jô- How much time do you expent ?

Jeb- 2 years and 73 days, was a lot of time 

Jô- I agree, in my case, I cant wait too much time, probably I would become crazy.

Jeb-Yes, you have to be patient, and have self control

Jô- How much money have you earned ?

Jeb- I have not earned any money, I did the mission just by the pleasure and fun.

Jô- Wow ! Thats amazing, you are very brave and committed, congratulations.

Jeb- Thank you

Jô- Now, tell for us about the view, how was it ?

Jeb- That was amazing, like anything you have never seen.

Jô- You never saw anything so green ? Haha

Jeb- Yes, Jool is the greenest thing you will ever see.

Jô- What abou Laythe, there was like kerbin ?

Jeb- Its very similar, except the water, it smells like pee

(Laughs)

Jô- Someday do you want to return to Laythe

Jeb- Yes, and in the next time with more persons, and maybe build a base there, I can talk with Von Kerman to design one.

Jô- Ok folks, that was Jebediah Kerman, thank you, and see you next time !

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Entrevista com Jô Kerman

Jô- Hoje vamos conversar com Jebediah Kerman, o primeiro kerbal a andar em Laythe e ver Jool com os próprios olhos. Então, Jebediah, como foi a sua viagem? Conte um pouco para nós.

Jeb-Lá tinha uma vista fantástica, eu realmente gostei da missão, há apenas um problema ...

Jô- Que problema?

Jeb- Que passou muito tempo, é muito difícil esperar, principalmente porque eu estava sozinho

Jô- Quanto tempo você gastou?

Jeb- Demorou 2 anos e 73 dias, foi muito tempo

Jô- Concordo, no meu caso, não consigo esperar muito tempo, provavelmente me tornaria louco.

Jeb-Sim, você tem que ser paciente, e ter auto-controle

Jô- Quanto dinheiro você ganhou?

Jeb- Eu não ganhei nenhum dinheiro, eu fiz a missão apenas pelo prazer e diversão.

Jô- Uau! Isso é incrível, você é muito corajoso e comprometido, parabéns.

Jeb- Obrigado

Jô- Agora, diga para nós sobre a vista, como foi?

Jeb- foi incrível, é uma coisa como você nunca verá

Jô- Você nunca viu nada tão verde? Haha

Jeb- Sim, Jool é a coisa mais verde que você jamais verá.

Jô- Quanto a Laythe, lá é como kerbin?

Jeb- É muito semelhante, exceto a água, ela tem cheiro de xixi

(Risos)

Jô- Algum dia você quer voltar para Laythe ?

Jeb- Sim, e na próxima vez com mais pessoas, e talvez construir uma base lá, eu posso conversar com Von Kerman para projetar uma.

Jô- Ok gente, esse foi Jebediah Kerman, obrigado, e te vejo na próxima vez !

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Posted (edited)

Making Kerbals a Multiplanetary Species

by Elon Kerman

 

What I’m trying to achieve here is to make Duna seem possible, and something that we can do in our lifetimes, and that you can go if you wanted to. First of all why go anywhere? There are really only two paths. One path is we stay on Kerbin forever, until there is some kind of extinction event, and the other is that we become a multi-planet species… Which I hope you would agree; that is the right way to go.

 

So how do we figure out how to take you to Duna? Just to give you some comparison between the two planets:

 

fkz3EUO.jpg

 

They’re remarkably close in a lot of ways. Early Duna was a lot like Kerbin. There’s been a lot of great work in exploring Duna and in understanding what Duna is like. So how do we get Kerbals there? If we look at a Venn diagram there is no intersection of sets between Kerbals who want to go, and Kerbals who can afford to go.

 

d05VrLc.jpg

 

What we need to do is move those two circles closer together. If we can get the cost of moving to Duna to be roughly equivalent to a median snack price here on Kerbin, then I think the probability of establishing a self-sustaining civilisation is very high. Not everyone would want to go; a relatively small number of Kerbals would want to go, but enough would want to go and that could afford the trip that it would happen. To make Duna trips possible on a large enough scale to create a self-sustaining city, full reusability is essential. I think that as we show this is possible. That this dream is real. I think support will snow-ball over time. So, er…. Any questions that I can answer?

Edited by Long Finger
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1 hour ago, thomas the kerbonaut said:

Entrevista com Jô Kerman

Jô doesn't interrupt Jeb or make fun of him often enough :sticktongue:

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Posted (edited)

Taking the Cake

Business contracts in the Space Age

 

I had never seen it’s like before. An ultra-modern Mun lander being painstakingly filled with bagged sand, gardening tools, polystyrene blocks and ten litre cans of turquoise paint. But, as Gus Kerman said to me, if you’re building a film set on the Mun you need the right tools.

“It started,” he explained, “when Gene accepted a contract from the Cinematographic Artists of Kerbin, or CAKE as they like to be known.”

Apparently this was part of the latest CAKE blockbuster, Marooned on Minmus.

“The CAKE guys tried building a set on Kerbin,” Gus said, “but it looked terrible. Even when the actors were directed to ‘walk real bouncy’, it just looked so fake. Nothing like a real low-gravity EVA. So they came to the space community for help.”

“But,” I ventured, “Wouldn’t it make more sense to just take a film crew to Minmus?”

“That’s what Kerbodyne thought,” said Gus. “That’s Kerbodyne for you – great rocket engineers, lousy businesskerbs. You see,” he continued, “the average kerb-in-the-street doesn’t believe we went to Minmus anyway. We could film Marooned on Eeloo and they wouldn’t notice the difference. Also – have you been to Minmus?”

I shook my head.

“It’s boring,” said Gus, “Kilometres of flats, broken by gentle slopes. Great for landings, real dull for filming. With a little artistry,” he gestured at the paint cans, “the Mun will make a much better location. Finally,” he tapped his head conspiratorially, “we had a secret weapon.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“We promised CAKE cameos from Jeb, Bill, Bob and Val. It’s a little crazy,” Gus acknowledged, “but that’s modern business for you. Show the investors a slick sales pitch and a bit of celebrity, and they’ll fall over themselves to throw money at you.”

Edited by KSK
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"You are only allowed to give 25 likes per day. You cannot give any more likes today."

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Kerbals on the Mun!

“ Engine stop. KSC, the Muna 11 has landed.” These were the first words spoken by Jebediah Kerman as he and Bob touched down on the Mun. Minutes later he descended the ladder onto the lunar surface. “That's one small step for a Kerbal,””Skirrrt, KSC to Jeb, the situation is nominal.” Bob climbed down to the surface a minute later. The two set up the flag, and took samples of the regolith. Jeb commented that it's much easier to dig in low gravity. They then climbed into the lander and lifted off to rendezvous with Bill Kerman, who had stayed in munar orbit in the command module. Just thirty minutes later the trio burned to escape the Mun and are now heading home to Kerbin. They will reenter and splash down two days from now.

To quote Gene Kerman, head of the Kerbal Space Program, ”This is truly an accomplishment of all Kerbalkind. We are going to fly among the stars, and nothing can stop us now.” At that moment a loud explosion was heard coming from the R&D facilities where a ISRU unit is being tested, and Gene quickly said “That is, if Werhner can get things to blow up less frequently.”

 

Brent Kerman.

 

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Posted (edited)

 

LEAKED - Mysterious Evidence of Kerbal Immortality

 

Anyone living or working in the vicinity of KSC will know that explosions, crashes and 'other accidents' are everyday occurrences for the agency (this correspondent has covered over a thousand such incidents since Asteroid Day).

Despite the lethal potential of most of these accidents, newly leaked Mission Reports reveal a surprising statistic - no Kerbal fatality has ever been recorded. Ever.

This is not to say that no Kerbal has ever died. Four well-known astronaut heroes - Bill, Bob, Valentina and Jebediah - each appear to have died and returned to their former lives many times. "The first time I didn't know what had happened," Bob says, "it was like waking up from a bad dream. Crash, fireball, then nothing... next thing I know I'm back on the roster."

Some have speculated that the unique ‘Orange Suits’ of these veteran spacefarers may possess some sort of magical life-restoring properties. KSC declined to comment.

More astonishing are baffling references to time-travel phenomena, occurring immediately after loss of contact and resulting in total restoration of the mission, including the lives of all crew, identified within mission logs by the words 'Revert to Launch' and 'Quickload'.

The leak sheds new light on established lore concerning the extraordinary properties of space to sustain Kerbal life, even in the event of total exhaustion of snack supplies. Isymo Kerman, sole crew of the Eeloo Explorer, is expected to return to Kerbin next month having endured nearly 2 years in space with no nutritional sustenance at all.

Denouncers of the program insist that immortality lies in the sole purview of the Kraken, and that such ‘godless persistence’ flies in the face of the natural order.

However Jebediah Kerman was characteristically unfazed: “There’s nowhere in the system I wouldn’t fly at”.

Edited by The_Rocketeer
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IS JEBEDIAH KERMAN AN IMPOSTOR ?

 

True pioneer of space exploration, Jebediah Kerman was notably the first Kerbal to orbit a celestial body or to walk on Mun. Then why label him an impostor ? These last few days his heroic reputation has been questioned by the publication of compromising documents in the anti-kerbonaut press. These documents appear to have been leaked from the Kerbal Space Center where they had been kept under lock and key. The first damning element is a statistic indicating that JK has taken part in more than 95% of the Kerbal Space Program missions. This has made the anti-kerbonauts react violently : for them it is proof that Jebediah Kerman has benefited from blatant favoritism. This information has totally unsettled the scientific community, since it gives credence to a strong conspiracy theory. However, the most scandalous element is a letter which Jebediah Kerman sent to Gene Kerman, the Mission Control flight director. The conspiracy theorists have picked up on one particular sentence: « Ah-Uh ! Aaaaahh ! Uuhh, ah uh ! ». This sentence written in Kerbal can have two meanings : either « I am highly qualified to join your team » or « I’m the boss’s son - hire me ! ». This second version tends to corroborate the anti-kerbonauts’ suspicions. For them Jebediah Kerman is a shameful impostor with friends in high places, a schemer who is only interested in his own advancement and puts qualified kerbonauts out of the running. Of course, these shocking revelations can be interpreted differently depending on one’s viewpoint. However, for most of us Jebediah Kerman will always be a hero of the Kerbal Space Program, and a universal model of success.

 

Léo Kerman

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1 minute ago, leoc1108 said:

JK has taken part in more than 95% of the Kerbal Space Program missions

...

« I’m the boss’s son - hire me ! »

In truth, it's because he tricks the other pilots with promises of fake snacks, then boards the damned ship when no-one is looking...

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