(Badum-tss)

[KvickFlygarn87]

Put all your jokes here! In order to have this thread open, we'll lay out some rules:

- Keep it strictly forum-rule bidding.

- No racist jokes (use your own judgement)

- Don't discuss the jokes, stay on topic.

- If you're offended, send a PM or report, don't flame publicly.

I'll start:

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender tells him "Sorry we don't serve noble gases"

...He had no reaction.

[hedzup456]

A neutron walks into a bar. Upon asking for a G and T, he asks for a bill. The barman replies: "For you sir, no charge."

[RogueMason]

Two guys walk into a bar. The first asks for a glass of H₂O, which he receives. The second asks for a glass of water, and turns to the first guy, asking him why he didn't just say water instead of H₂O.

The first guy just sits there, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

(Totally stole that from somewhere, but it's a good one)

[Xorth Tanovar]

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third one ducks...

[spaceman1999]

When you go by train tracks say "a train went by here" When someone says how can you tell? say "I see its tracks!'

Where does the king keep his armies... up his SLEEVIES LOLOLOLOL

[Vanamonde]

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.

[astropapi1]

Two guys walk into a bar. The first asks for a glass of H₂O, which he receives. The second asks for a glass of water, and turns to the first guy, asking him why he didn't just say water instead of H₂O.

The first guy just sits there, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

(Totally stole that from somewhere, but it's a good one)

Hadn't laughed that hard in a while, thanks for that.

[fatfluffycat]

So, two Nazis walked into a Bar...

[mythbusters844]

An atom (Magnesium) was walking down the street when he saw his friend.

"Hey Copper!" yelled Magnesium.

"'Afternoon Magnesium," replied Copper gloomily.

"What's wrong Copper?" asked Magnesium apprehensively.

"I lost an electron," admitted Copper.

"Are you sure?" replied Magnesium.

"Yes, I'm positive," said Copper, laughing at the joke he just made.

[StrandedonEarth]

Luke and Obi-Wan are having dinner in an Oriental restaurant. Obi-Wan is eating quickly and neatly with chopsticks, not dropping even a grain of rice. Luke, on the other hand, can't seem to get the hang of using chopsticks, getting food everywhere except in his mouth. Finally Obi-Wan says....

.

.

.

.

(wait for it)

.

.

.

.

"Use the Fork, Luke!"

[lajoswinkler]

Really, that's all you can? Yawn.

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet new people every day!

[DisarmingBaton5]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a roof.

[The Destroyer]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a roof.

I don't know why, but the last bit was funnier than the first bit.

[NQMT]

Sally was a chemist, but Sally is no more.

For what she thought was H2O, was H2SO4.

[lajoswinkler]

It's quite difficult to come up with a funny joke if you follow all the forum rules. Vulgarity and profanity, at least in moderate amounts, are the backbone of most hilarious jokes.

Granted, there are hilarious "SFW" jokes like this with the horse and the long face, but they are quite rare.

Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the **** out of their dogs!

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

[Ravenchant]

Quick math joke: "Let ε < 0..."

Also:

-If an accordionist and a trombone player both fall off a tall building at the same time, which one hits the ground first?

-Who cares?

(should be noted that this is a self-deprecating one)

[DisarmingBaton5]

-A blind man walks into a store, picks up his dog, and begins to swing it about his head rapidly. The cashier comes running over, alarmed, and asks the man what he is doing. The man replies, "I'm just looking around."

-I told a chemistry joke once. There was no reaction.

-A parachute is not required for skydiving. A parachute is required for skydiving twice.

Edited February 13, 2014 by DisarmingBaton5
Added a third

[mythbusters844]

What happens when you put a jellyfish in a blender?

It's shocking!

[StrandedonEarth]

-A blind man, a nun, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looked up and asked, "What is this, a joke?"

-A man comes home and tells his wife, "Pack your bags dear, we won the lottery!" The wife asks "Where are we going, what should I pack?"

The husband replied "I don't care, just get out!"

[KvickFlygarn87]

What's the difference between a Kerbal and a baby?

Answer: I can drop a Kerbal on its head

Also, semi-offensive: What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?

Answer: You pull the pin out and throw it back!

[meve12]

What was Bill's comment about Jeb's spaceship?

"It was Riveting!"

[KvickFlygarn87]

Here's one I made up myself!

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver?

(highlight below for answer)

SWAG!

[ajshell1]

Here's a history Joke

If you don't get it, look up "Charge of the Light Brigade"

Person 1: Have you heard that Russia sent troops to Crimea?

Person 2: Yeah. Do you think the US will get involved over there?

Person 1: I hope not.

Person 2: Either way, I'll be staying away from Light Brigades for the time being, just in case.

[NASAFanboy]

Heres an depressing antijoke about my life.

Someone: "Hey, want to watch a boring, repetitive, and pointless TV show?"

Me: "You mean my life story?"

And more horrible antijokes.

"Why did the boy drop his ice cream?"

"He got hit by a bus"

=====================================

Someone: "Whats red, and smells like blue paint?"

Me: "Red paint."

Yes, I am a morbidly depressing human.

Time for me to make a quick exit as you start to boo.

Edited March 7, 2014 by NASAFanboy

[The Destroyer]

Why didn't the Criminal DJ get hired?

Answer in white below:

He had a bad rap.