A Stupid Little Story.

[BagelRabbit]

Hello everybody!

I'm reasonably well-known for writing posts. Now, I'll be writing some stupid little KSP-related comedy stories as well! Hooray!

So, this may become a series, or it may not. It all depends on how well-received this stuff is. So if you like it, please say so! And if you think that it's possibly the worst thing you've ever seen, say that too! Only say it a little more nicely than that, for pity's sake.

Right. Here we go.

~~~

Wernher von Kerman: Build Supervisor!

The sun was shining with all of its might into the dusty confines of the VAB. Crates had been piled into an especially cobwebbed corner. Someone had written "Ferfurt is a Bum" with his finger on a grimy window. The dust bunnies were now the size of small oxen, and they were ready to engulf any Kerbal who unwittingly reached for the #21-315 wrenches at the wrong time.

It was a normal day at the KSC.

And yet, within the dusty and rusty building, a small team of Kerbals strove to make one final rocket. They wanted to recapture a tiny bit of the glory of this place; they wanted to restore its legacy. Or maybe they just wanted to fly Ferfurt into space and leave him there. Ferfurt really was a bum.

This team was led by Wernher von Kerman. Greying and constantly wheezing, Wernher was nonetheless the most qualified Kerbal to help the team. His love for building rockets had been partially replaced with his love of waving his cane about, muttering, and using the restroom. But his passion for rocketry was still strong, and all of the Kerbals respected him for it. Or at least, they pretended to.

Now, Wernher wanted his team to get up far earlier than would generally be considered sane. He would have used a bugle to awaken the sleeping builders, but he needed to catch his breath after standing up. So instead, he lit a match and threw it, assuming that the floor would have enough pyrotechnic crud on it to get things going. He was right. A suspicious brown stain on the floor disappeared with a loud CRACK, throwing little bits of dust bunny through the air.

The builders woke up with a start and yelled some things that are not polite to discuss, so I won't discuss them. Wernher just smiled a gentle, wrinkled smile and said, "Get up, ya lazy bums! When I was your age, we all got up at five thirty sharp. (Wheeze.) We didn't just lollygag about. That's the problem with kids these days. They're just so - mumble mumble _mumble

The day had begun. It was time to start building.

"Alright... um... Mr. Wernher." (The Kerbals had realized quite early on that Wernher was to be called Mr. Wernher, and perhaps Mr. Wernher, sir if you wanted to get along well.) "What will we be doing today?"

"Well, um, that's a good question. Say, what was your name again?"

"Calrie, sir."

"Say again?"

"CALRIE, SIR."

"Oh, okay. Like the shell."

"Not cowrie - you know what? Never mind. What are we doing today?"

"Well, let's see. (Wheeze.) We've done the capsule, right?"

"Sir, we did that a year and a half ago."

"Okay, how about the boosters?"

"We're actually done with pretty much everything, sir. All we need to do now is get the thing out on the pad and launch it. The rocket's right there. I think... um... I think you need your glasses."

"Okay. Say, have you figured out who's going up yet?"

"We... um... we were thinking of sending up Ferfurt. Sir."

Wernher wheezed and squinted at Calrie. Then he looked across the room at Ferfurt, who was sitting bolt upright and smiling a chipper smile. "Hello, sir! How are you doing this fine morning?" he said, standing up to reveal his pressed pants and immaculately clean shirt. "It's great to see you."

As I said, Ferfurt was a bum.

"Are you sure you want to launch him?" Wernher shifted a little. "Back in my day, we only sent up the slovenly and misguided youth. Ferfurt, on the other hand..."

"Sir, we thought that - um - sending Ferfurt up would be a good way to show that nowadays, astronauts have sophistication and taste." Calrie had practiced this excuse at least a few dozen times. Apparently, this practicing had paid off. Wernher bobbed his head up and down and growled, "Alright, we can do that." He paused. "I need to use the bathroom. Give me a minute." He wandered to the restroom at about the speed of the average glacier, wheezing as he went.

As soon as the door was closed, Calrie yelled to the others, "Guys, guess what? Ferfurt's going up!"

The room exploded into cheers. Even Ferfurt murmured a "How nice!" and offered an encouraging smile. The VAB may have been grungy and filled with homicidal dust bunnies, but now it was also filled with a bunch of very happy Kerbals. For once, the old building seemed bright and festive, and the project seemed almost worthwhile.

And then Wernher poked his head out of the door and yelled, "Quiet!" (Wheeze.) "Why are you yelling like that?! Back in my day..."

~~~

So this is the first chapter. Once again, let me know what you think about this stupid story! Thanks for reading this...

-Upsilon

Edited July 30, 2015 by UpsilonAerospace

[Whirligig Girl]

It vas funny (wheezes) however I must mention zhat you forgot to add ze german accent.

Yeah, I like the part about the dust bunnies. But about Ferfurt. Is he a bum in the human sense, or what?

[BagelRabbit]

It vas funny (wheezes) however I must mention zhat you forgot to add ze german accent.

In my headcanon, Wernher was such a brilliant scientist that he was abducted from Germany at the age of nineteen, so that the Germans wouldn't have the ability to make K-2s in the first place. As such, he had lost his German accent after a few years. Keep in mind, too, that these events are taking place dozens of years after the KSC was shuttered, and that Wernher would have had plenty of time to lose his accent in the interim.

Yeah, I like the part about the dust bunnies. But about Ferfurt. Is he a bum in the human sense, or what?

When I say 'bum,' I don't mean a person who carries about his or her possessions in a shopping cart and sleeps under overpasses. Rather, I'm using slang for a part of the body that is also known as the posterior or the gluteus maximus. There's a three-letter word that's used to refer to this part of one's body and also to donkeys. Whenever you see the word "bum," you can substitute in the other word in your head. I don't mind, but others probably do.

-Upsilon

[DMSP]

In reality, this little fun story made my day.

It's not stupid.

Thank you.