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More Kerbal Food Items!

The Optimist

By The Optimist
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The Optimist

The Optimist

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Somebody once said that an army marches on its stomach. We expect that is true for space programs as well! I'm planning on writing an actual planned-out story sometime during the next two months, and I need to come up with something to feed by imaginary Kerbal crew members. I'm accepting all entries, as long as they follow this format:

(Name of product)

(Company sourced by (Imaginary or in-game))

Source: Vegetables, Meat, Synthesized solid, Synthesized liquid, Organic liquid, etc. (Choose 1)

A bit of backstory (e.g. sourced location, etc)

Type: Fresh (Radiation sterilized), Dehydrated, Powder-format liquid, Powder-format solid, Hydrated liquid, or Paste. Radiation sterilization, pickling, and chemical treatment are possible preservation methods.

Meal designation 1: Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Snacks (Choose 1 or multiple)

Meal designation 2: Meat, Baked goods (In a non-crumbly paste form), Vegetables (Puree or fresh), Diary, Mystery (Choose 1)

E.G.

  • Name: Mystery Meat Formula #42
  • Company: Schnup Kog's pet food cannery
  • Source: A blend of various mysterious meat products, with a generous helping of wintergreen oil added in.
  • Backstory: A few years ago, a can of ordinary processed meat was dropped into a barrel of fuel-grade vegetable oils. Yesterday, we opened up one of them and found a bunch of cans of this lying around. After feeding it to an intern who reported no ill effects, it was deemed a good substitute for the potentially safer (But far more expensive) Standard Aerospace Ration MKI.
  • Type: Chemically treated solid
  • Meal Designation: Lunch and Dinner
  • Meal Type: MeatTM

I am aware that this has been created already, but I want to gather some more unique ideas by myself.

Disclaimer: I will edit some entries to provide more depth to the backstory and to reformat them to more closely follow the original design.

Basic Ingredients (Vegetables, condiments, grain. Mostly unprocessed, dehydrated stuff):

  • Name: Mystery Mush
  • Company: Watney Botanism LLC (By @TotallyNotHuman_)
  • Source: Pulverized leftover foodstuffs
  • Backstory: A mysterious botanist wanted to reduce food waste, so he collected food scraps, then macerated it, compressed it, and packed it tightly within a metal alloy tube. (Our scientists decided that some reasonably well trained astronauts could figure out how to cook this into something tastier. May contain traces of [REDACTED])
  • Type: Mush (Chemically-treated)
  • Meal Designation: Torture food Potentially useable vegetable compound
  • Meal Type: Paste

 

  • Name: Synthmeat
  • Company: Generic (By @0111narwhalz)
  • Source: Synthesized muscular tissue
  • Backstory: A generic term that applies to a meat product grown without the inefficiencies of the rest of the animal. Also known as vitromeat, because it was originally grown on glass dishes.
  • Type: Radiation-sterilized, Kerbin-Grown fresh
  • Meal Designation: Breakfast (bacon-like thin laminate), lunch (sandwich meat, cross-sliced thick laminate), dinner (thick vascularised steaks). Long-term ration
  • Meal Type: Meat (?)

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Breakfast Menu:

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Lunch Menu: 

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Dinner Menu:

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Drinks 

  • Name: Bubblyzine (Dehydrt.)
  • Company: Bill Kerman Brewery & Co. (By @TotallyNotHuman_)
  • Source: Synthesized Liquid
  • Backstory: Originally stolen from the fuel tanks of a Dachlandish Ke-163B "Komet" rocket-powered jet plane (by a gang of tipsy fighter pilots), it has since been refined into a drier, less hydrazinic and more kerbling-friendly drink. Just add water!
  • Type: Dehydrated Liquid
  • Meal Designation: Drink
  • Meal Type: Liquid

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Snacks

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Multiple-use

  • Name: Standardized Air Branch Ration (Orange-Turkey) or S.A.B.O.T.
  • Company: Centralized Republic of Carmenia Air Force (By me!)
  • Source: Carmenian military research base #11
  • Backstory: A wholesome, delicious, and above all constipating MRE for pilots of the CRC's M-2 high-altitude spy planes, used during forays into suspicious territories due to the long nature of those missions, the SABOT ration is in the format of a large chunk of gelatinous orange sauce, with small chunks of processed turkey suspended inside. Later adapted for space use, with the orange sauce being substituted for a denser and more resilient blend. A less constipating variant has also been introduced, despite outcry from the scientists who originally formulated it. The taste is described as "sS-s-sour!"
  • Type: Tinned ration
  • Meal Designation: Breakfast (Blended with flour and baked), Lunch (Standard form, or as sandwich meat substitute), Dinner (Standard form, possibly supplemented with other foodstuffs)
  • Meal Type: Meat/Vegetable

---

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Emergency-use (Items in this container are not to be used in non-contingency situations, though we have trouble imagining that anybody will want to eat these.)

  • Name: KrautzenBerlinerKleister (Cabbage-flavored donut goo)
  • Company: Kartoffel-Racket (K&R Foreign Foodstuffs) (By me!)
  • Source: Pulverized sauerkraut jelly donut mixture composed of 23% preservatives
  • Backstory: A mysterious but undoubtedly sour substance, made from an assortment of vegetable scraps and donut holes, macerated and packed into a small metal tube.
  • Type: Chemically treated paste
  • Meal Designation: Agony booth snack Emergency Food Ration #1 (Snack)
  • Meal Type: misc.

 

Edited by The Optimist
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0111narwhalz

0111narwhalz

Posted
Posted (edited)

Name: Synthmeat

Company: Generic

Source: Synthesized muscular tissue

Backstory: A generic term that applies to a meat product grown without the inefficiencies of the rest of the animal. Also known as vitromeat, because it was originally grown on glass dishes.

Type: Radsterile Fresh

Meal Designation: Versatile Ingredient (bacon-like thin laminate, cross-sliced thick laminate--sandwich meat, thick vascularised steaks)

Meal Type: Meat

Edited by 0111narwhalz
It's an ingredient, not a meal
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The Optimist

The Optimist

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1 hour ago, 0111narwhalz said:

Name: Synthmeat

Company: Generic

Source: Synthesized muscular tissue

Backstory: A generic term that applies to a meat product grown without the inefficiencies of the rest of the animal. Also known as vitromeat, because it was originally grown on glass dishes.

Type: Radsterile Fresh

Meal Designation: Breakfast (bacon-like thin laminate), lunch (sandwich meat, cross-sliced thick laminate), dinner (thick vascularised steaks)

Meal Type: Meat

Nice! Thanks.

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The Optimist

The Optimist

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I'll add one of my own

  • Name: KrautzenBerlinerKleister (Cabbage-flavored donut goo)
  • Company: Kartoffel-Racket (K&R Foreign Foodstuffs)
  • Source: Pulverized sauerkraut jelly donut mixture composed of 23% preservatives
  • Backstory: A mysterious but undoubtedly sour substance, made from an assortment of vegetable scraps and donut holes, macerated and packed into a small metal tube.
  • Type: Chemically treated paste
  • Meal Designation: Agony booth snack Emergency Food Ration #1 (Snack)
  • Meal Type: misc.
Edited by The Optimist
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The Optimist

The Optimist

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  • Name: Standardized Air Branch Ration (Orange-Turkey) or S.A.B.O.T.
  • Company: Centralized Republic of Carmenia Air Force
  • Source: Carmenian military research base #11
  • Backstory: A wholesome, delicious, and above all constipating MRE for pilots of the CRC's M-2 high-altitude spy planes, used during forays into suspicious territories due to the long nature of those missions, the SABOT ration is in the format of a large chunk of gelatinous orange sauce, with small chunks of processed turkey suspended inside. Later adapted for space use, with the orange sauce being substituted for a denser and more resilient blend. A less constipating variant has also been introduced, despite outcry from the scientists who originally formulated it. The taste is described as "sS-s-sour!"
  • Type: Tinned ration
  • Meal Designation: Medium-term standard ration (All-meals)
  • Meal Type: Meat/Vegetable
Edited by The Optimist
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TotallyNotHuman

TotallyNotHuman

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Posted

Ooh, this sounds like fun!

Name: Dehydrated Bubblyzine

Company: Bill Kerman Brewery & Co.

Source: Synthesized Liquid

Backstory: Originally stolen from the fuel tanks of a Dachlandish Ke-163B "Komet" rocket-powered jet plane, it has since been refined into a drier, less hydrazinic and more kerbling-friendly drink. Just add water!

Type: Dehydrated Liquid

Meal Designation: Drink

Meal Type: Liquid

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TotallyNotHuman

TotallyNotHuman

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Posted

Moar!

Name: Mystery Mush

Company: Watney Botanism LLC

Source: Pulverized leftover foodstuffs

Backstory: A mysterious botanist wanted to reduce food waste, so he collected food scraps, then macerated it, compressed it, and packed it tightly within a metal alloy tube.

Type: Mush

Meal Designation: Torture food ah... Emergency rations

Meal Type: Paste

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The Optimist

The Optimist

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6 minutes ago, TotallyNotHuman_ said:

Moar!

Name: Mystery Mush

Company: Watney Botanism LLC

Source: Pulverized leftover foodstuffs

Backstory: A mysterious botanist wanted to reduce food waste, so he collected food scraps, then macerated it, compressed it, and packed it tightly within a metal alloy tube.

Type: Mush

Meal Designation: Torture food ah... Emergency rations

Meal Type: Paste

Wold "Ingredient" be a better designation? I'll make a section for those.

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The Optimist

The Optimist

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  • Name: Personalized Launch Ration (Open package to use) or P.L.O.P
  • Company: Equatorial Republic Space Center (KSC) (Made by me!)
  • Source: A small tin full of starchy tubers in puree form, some small chunks of salted ham, and a variety of different vegetables suspended in a healthy mixture of motor oil and corn syrup.
  • Backstory: In the early days of space exploration, food was not necessary, due to the unmanned, short, and one-way nature of them. This was changed when the first astronaut to enter orbit returned, complaining of a craving for something starchy. And so this primitive but rather quaint food product was invented, to sate the hunger of many a hungry astronaut.
  • Type: Tinned vacuum packed ration
  • Meal Designation: Short/Medium term service rations aboard type 2 ships (Tourist or routine craft)
  • Meal Type: Lunch/Dinner
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TotallyNotHuman

TotallyNotHuman

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19 hours ago, 0111narwhalz said:

Also, I feel we should get @CatastrophicFailure over here; that guy's got some great...ah..."food" ideas. Hull sealant, mosquito, and, of course, cheeseburgers.:confused:

Amen to that.

Anyway, here's my food submission!

Name: Insta-snack Ration Mark One

Company: Umbrella Snack Industries*

Source: Macerated biscuits and jam

Backstory: While mission rules mandated that pilots of short missions must ingest a meal prior to launch, certain pilots forgot to do so, and started complaining about the lack of rations aboard. To remedy this, the Insta-snack Ration Mark One was introduced. Essentially food paste, vacuum-packed and placed in a squeezable tube, the Insta-snack Ration Mark One is a hungry pilot's best friend.

Type: Vacuum-packed ration placed in a squeezable tube

Meal Designation: Short-term rations for short missions

Meal Type: Paste

*totally not a play-on-words of Umbra Space Industries

Edited by TotallyNotHuman_
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CatastrophicFailure

CatastrophicFailure

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Can't resist an invitation like that. :D

Lesee what I got here...

  • Name: Pickled Mosquito Head, 1.5-5 kilo bottle.
  • Company: Glorious Ministry of Sustenance of Ussari Union!
  • Source: Corrective farm, Kerberian Oblast, hand-fed by only finest political prisoners!
  • Backstory: Traditional delicacy of fearless, stalwart northern dwellers, now available Union-wide as long as your papers are in order, Comrade...
  • Type: Anopheles messeae gigans, vinegar, spices
  • Meal Designation: Side dish served with borscht and pelmeni, larger heads often served as entree with ukha and side of humidity.
  • Meal Type: Mosquito head, pickled. Not for export.

 

  • Name: Cheeseburger
  • Company: McKerbal's™
  • Source: Found wilting under a heat lamp. Age unknown.
  • Backstory: It's a cheeseburger! Traditional staple and virtual national dish of Kleptogart. Kleptogart, fork yeah!™
  • Type: Anopheles messeae gigans, vinegar, spices
  • Meal Designation: Meat byproducts, non-meat byproducts, non-food byproducts, dairy byproducts, Certified GMO® Wilted Lettuce, wheat gluten, non-wheat gluten, non-gluten gluten, unidentified seeds that are probably safe, pink slime.
  • Meal Type: Any time a rubbery, tasteless, slightly crunchy but extremely cheap footstuff is needed.

 

  • Name: Hull Sealant Space Mush
  • Company: Layland-Wutani™, Building a Better World®
  • Source: *scraaaatch*
    SPACE AGE SUPERFOOD!
    SPACE-MUSH, latest celebrity diet craze!
    Erases wrinkles, smooths cellulite, fades age spots, treats syphilis, and cures gout! Order now, only √19.95!

    BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

    For only √199.95, you'll get the new variety pack! Featuring Tasty Original™, plus other great flavors like Wallboard™, Elmer's Glue™, Playdoh™, Spackle™, and Bathroom Caulk™!

    BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

    Order within the next five minutes and we'll send you a case of New™ Tangy Epoxy™ ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!

    Call now, operators are standing by!*

 

*"Space Mush™" is not an actual food product, not for Kerbal consumption. If accidental ingestion occurs, do not induce vomiting, call your local poison control center immediately. CORROSIVE: Do not swallow. Do not inhale vapors. If eye exposure occurs, flush with water for 13.5 minutes and contact local coroner's office. Do not expose to flame. Do not expose to subfreezing temperatures. Do not expose to actual space. Do not taunt Space Mush™. Store in a cool, dry place. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. May cause vomiting, profuse sweating, body odor, explosive diarrhea, severe intestinal blockage, more vomiting, hives, willies, loss of hair, loss of vision, reptile dysfunction, projectile vomiting, priapism, dengue fever, loss of balance, thinking you can dance when you can't, increased gambling or other overpowering urges, visual, tactile, or auditory hallucinations, trouble swallowing, runny nose, dizziness, gas with oily discharge and/or rectal incontinence, nasal sores, glaucoma, cataracts, internal bleeding, nausea, sleep disturbance, constipation, flatulence, and even more vomiting, depressed mood, trouble concentrating, sleep problems, crying spells, aggression or agitation, changes in behavior, sudden numbness or weakness, blurred vision, sudden and severe headache or pain behind the eyes, sometimes with vomiting, loss of appetite, dark urine, clay-colored stools, jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes), fever, chills, body aches, flu symptoms, purple spots under the skin, easy bruising or bleeding, vomting until you beg for death that won't come, and a greatly increased likelihood of punching Krakens in the face. If found, do not handle, do not make eye contact, back away slowly and contact local authorities. 

Batteries not included.

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The Optimist

The Optimist

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On 6/26/2016 at 7:59 PM, CatastrophicFailure said:

Can't resist an invitation like that. :D

Lesee what I got here...

  • Name: Pickled Mosquito Head, 1.5-5 kilo bottle.
  • Company: Glorious Ministry of Sustenance of Ussari Union!
  • Source: Corrective farm, Kerberian Oblast, hand-fed by only finest political prisoners!
  • Backstory: Traditional delicacy of fearless, stalwart northern dwellers, now available Union-wide as long as your papers are in order, Comrade...
  • Type: Anopheles messeae gigans, vinegar, spices
  • Meal Designation: Side dish served with borscht and pelmeni, larger heads often served as entree with ukha and side of humidity.
  • Meal Type: Mosquito head, pickled. Not for export.

 

  • Name: Cheeseburger
  • Company: McKerbal's™
  • Source: Found wilting under a heat lamp. Age unknown.
  • Backstory: It's a cheeseburger! Traditional staple and virtual national dish of Kleptogart. Kleptogart, fork yeah!™
  • Type: Anopheles messeae gigans, vinegar, spices
  • Meal Designation: Meat byproducts, non-meat byproducts, non-food byproducts, dairy byproducts, Certified GMO® Wilted Lettuce, wheat gluten, non-wheat gluten, non-gluten gluten, unidentified seeds that are probably safe, pink slime.
  • Meal Type: Any time a rubbery, tasteless, slightly crunchy but extremely cheap footstuff is needed.

 

  • Name: Hull Sealant Space Mush
  • Company: Layland-Wutani™, Building a Better World®
  • Source: *scraaaatch*
    SPACE AGE SUPERFOOD!
    SPACE-MUSH, latest celebrity diet craze!
    Erases wrinkles, smooths cellulite, fades age spots, treats syphilis, and cures gout! Order now, only √19.95!

    BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

    For only √199.95, you'll get the new variety pack! Featuring Tasty Original™, plus other great flavors like Wallboard™, Elmer's Glue™, Playdoh™, Spackle™, and Bathroom Caulk™!

    BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

    Order within the next five minutes and we'll send you a case of New™ Tangy Epoxy™ ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!

    Call now, operators are standing by!*

 

*"Space Mush™" is not an actual food product, not for Kerbal consumption. If accidental ingestion occurs, do not induce vomiting, call your local poison control center immediately. CORROSIVE: Do not swallow. Do not inhale vapors. If eye exposure occurs, flush with water for 13.5 minutes and contact local coroner's office. Do not expose to flame. Do not expose to subfreezing temperatures. Do not expose to actual space. Do not taunt Space Mush™. Store in a cool, dry place. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. May cause vomiting, profuse sweating, body odor, explosive diarrhea, severe intestinal blockage, more vomiting, hives, willies, loss of hair, loss of vision, reptile dysfunction, projectile vomiting, priapism, dengue fever, loss of balance, thinking you can dance when you can't, increased gambling or other overpowering urges, visual, tactile, or auditory hallucinations, trouble swallowing, runny nose, dizziness, gas with oily discharge and/or rectal incontinence, nasal sores, glaucoma, cataracts, internal bleeding, nausea, sleep disturbance, constipation, flatulence, and even more vomiting, depressed mood, trouble concentrating, sleep problems, crying spells, aggression or agitation, changes in behavior, sudden numbness or weakness, blurred vision, sudden and severe headache or pain behind the eyes, sometimes with vomiting, loss of appetite, dark urine, clay-colored stools, jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes), fever, chills, body aches, flu symptoms, purple spots under the skin, easy bruising or bleeding, vomting until you beg for death that won't come, and a greatly increased likelihood of punching Krakens in the face. If found, do not handle, do not make eye contact, back away slowly and contact local authorities. 

Batteries not included.

How do you know what my thanksgiving dinners are composed of?!

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