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Misguided Kerbal
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I know a sand witch that can make you a sandwich. Yeah, I met her while doing a crane job on the beach; I needed extra large outrigger pads to help distribute the load evenly.

Edited by Ben J. Kerman
Hey llok new page!
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The MEGATHREAD has gained a liking in the topic of 

DOCTOR KERBAL'S  SANDWICH. 

Get one today at  nrw.DoctorKerbalSandwich.com (This website is not real). 

Edited by Dr. Kerbal
This should become a meme.
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Ah I see you're from that time.

I need you to do me a favour, could you please find me my Russell's Teapot. It's somewhere in between Mars and Jupiter, somewhere near the Asteroid belt.

I think my plan to use the sun to heat it up went just a bit awry and it ended up in the Asteroid belt 

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56 minutes ago, HyperDraco said:

No, it belongs to my pet, Russell. it's his teapot which I own and use, because he can't use it.

Have you seen my Spacecraft? I lost it somewhere on the 9th planet.

BTW, I have a YouTube channel now:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5cUVPstkcPqDGYK4O-Vq4Q

Edited by Admiral Fluffy
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                                          SHREK

                                       Written by

                                William Steig & Ted Elliott




                                     SHREK
                         Once upon a time there was a lovely 
                         princess. But she had an enchantment 
                         upon her of a fearful sort which could 
                         only be broken by love's first kiss. 
                         She was locked away in a castle guarded 
                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. 
                         Many brave knights had attempted to 
                         free her from this dreadful prison, 
                         but non prevailed. She waited in the 
                         dragon's keep in the highest room of 
                         the tallest tower for her true love 
                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs) 
                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What 
                         a load of - (toilet flush)
 
               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his 
               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go 
               after the ogre.
 
               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

                                     MAN1
                         Think it's in there?

                                     MAN2
                         All right. Let's get it!

                                     MAN1
                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that 
                         thing can do to you?
 
                                     MAN3
                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's 
                         bread.
 
               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

                                     SHREK
                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a 
                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. 
                         They'll make a suit from your freshly 
                         peeled skin.
 
                                     MEN
                         No!

                                     SHREK
                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the 
                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's 
                         quite good on toast.
 
                                     MAN1
                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! 
                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)
 
               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The 
               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long 
               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the 
               men are in the dark.
 
                                     SHREK
                         This is the part where you run away. 
                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) 
                         And stay out! (looks down and picks 
                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. 
                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and 
                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)
 
                         
               THE NEXT DAY

               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard 
               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures 
               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line 
               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto 
               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three 
               little pigs.
 
                                     GUARD
                         All right. This one's full. Take it 
                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
 
                         
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next!

                                     GUARD
                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! 
                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the 
                         broom in half)
 
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. 
                         Next!
 
                                     GUARD
                         Get up! Come on!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Twenty pieces.

                                     LITTLE BEAR
                         (crying) This cage is too small.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never 
                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please! 
                         Give me another chance!
 
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next! What have you got?

                                     GIPETTO
                         This little wooden puppet.

                                     PINOCCHIO
                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his 
                         nose grows)
 
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Five shillings for the possessed toy. 
                         Take it away.
 
                                     PINOCCHIO
                         Father, please! Don't let them do this! 
                         Help me!
 
               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up 
               to the table.
 
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next! What have you got?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, 
                         if you can prove it.
 
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.

               Donkey just looks up at her.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Well?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little 
                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. 
                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
 
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
 
                         
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends 
                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to 
                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing 
                         you ever saw.
 
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Get her out of my sight.

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One 
               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's 
               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled 
               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey! I can fly!

                                     PETER PAN
                         He can fly!

                                     3 LITTLE PIGS
                         He can fly!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         He can talk!

                                     DONKEY
                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm 
                         a flying, talking donkey. You might 
                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly 
                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey 
                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins 
                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink 
                         to the ground.)
 
               He hits the ground with a thud.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) 
                         After him!
 
                                     GUARDS
                         He's getting away! Get him! This way! 
                         Turn!
 
               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. 
               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared 
               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He 
               quickly hides behind Shrek.
 
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         You there. Ogre!

                                     SHREK
                         Aye?

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized 
                         to place you both under arrest and transport 
                         you to a designated resettlement facility.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, really? You and what army?

               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well 
               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail 
               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and 
               begins walking back to his cottage.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Can I say something to you? Listen, 
                         you was really, really, really somethin' 
                         back here. Incredible!
 
                                     SHREK
                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around 
                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back 
                         around and Donkey is right in front 
                         of him.) Whoa!
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell 
                         you that you that you was great back 
                         here? Those guards! They thought they 
                         was all of that. Then you showed up, 
                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves 
                         like babes in the woods. That really 
                         made me feel good to see that.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, that's great. Really.

                                     DONKEY
                         Man, it's good to be free.

                                     SHREK
                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your 
                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And 
                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, 
                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll 
                         stick with you. You're mean, green, 
                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare 
                         the spit out of anybody that crosses 
                         us.
 
               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very 
               loudly.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you 
                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't 
                         work, your breath certainly will get 
                         the job done, 'cause you definitely 
                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause 
                         you breath stinks! You almost burned 
                         the hair outta my nose, just like the 
                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey 
                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes 
                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten 
                         berries. I had strong gases leaking 
                         out of my butt that day.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Why are you following me?

                                     DONKEY
                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause 
                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside 
                         me, My problems have all gone, There's 
                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have 
                         faith...
 
                                     SHREK
                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't 
                         have any friends.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that 
                         cruelly honest.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at 
                         me. What am I?
 
                                     DONKEY
                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really 
                         tall?
 
                                     SHREK
                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your 
                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that 
                         bother you?
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Nope.

                                     SHREK
                         Really?

                                     DONKEY
                         Really, really.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Man, I like you. What's you name?

                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Shrek.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about 
                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me 
                         thing. I like that. I respect that, 
                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over 
                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) 
                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live 
                         in place like that?
 
                                     SHREK
                         That would be my home.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. 
                         You know you are quite a decorator. 
                         It's amazing what you've done with such 
                         a modest budget. I like that boulder. 
                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you 
                         don't entertain much, do you?
 
                                     SHREK
                         I like my privacy.

                                     DONKEY
                         You know, I do too. That's another thing 
                         we have in common. Like I hate it when 
                         you got somebody in your face. You've 
                         trying to give them a hint, and they 
                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence. 
                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, what?

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I stay with you, please?

                                     SHREK
                         (sarcastically) Of course!

                                     DONKEY
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please! I don't wanna go back there! 
                         You don't know what it's like to be 
                         considered a freak. (pause while he 
                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. 
                         But that's why we gotta stick together. 
                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.

                                     DONKEY
                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto 
                         a chair.) No! No!
 
                                     DONKEY
                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up 
                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in 
                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh!

                                     DONKEY
                         Where do, uh, I sleep?

                                     SHREK
                         (irritated) Outside!

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, 
                         I don't know you, and you don't know 
                         me, so I guess outside is best, you 
                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek 
                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do 
                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was 
                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by 
                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By 
                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's 
                         no one here beside me...
 
               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights 
               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a 
               noise. He stands up with a huff.
 
                                     SHREK
                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to 
                         stay outside.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         (from the window) I am outside.

               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that 
               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns 
               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
 
                                     BLIND MOUSE1
                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the 
                         farm, but what choice do we have?
 
                         
                                     BLIND MOUSE2
                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
 
                         
                                     GORDO
                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes 
                         and lands on his shoulder.)
 
                                     GORDO
                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's 
                         ear)
 
                                     SHREK
                         Ow!

                                     GORDO
                         Blah! Awful stuff.

                                     BLIND MOUSE1
                         Is that you, Gordo?

                                     GORDO
                         How did you know?

                                     SHREK
                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are 
                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped 
                         from behind and he drops the mice.) 
                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves 
                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, 
                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.
 
                         
                                     DWARF
                         Where are we supposed to put her? The 
                         bed's taken.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Huh?

               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. 
               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at 
               him.
 
                                     BIG BAD WOLF
                         What?

               TIME LAPSE

               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging 
               him to the front door.
 
                                     SHREK
                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm 
                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to 
                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the 
                         front door to throw the Wolf out and 
                         he sees that all the collected Fairy 
                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, 
                         no. No! No!
 
               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his 
               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing 
               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
 
               
                                     SHREK
                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this 
                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)
 
                         
               Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a 
               tent.
 
                                     SHREK
                         All right, get out of here. All of you, 
                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! 
                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more 
                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no! 
                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they 
                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to 
                         look at Donkey)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite 
                         them.
 
                                     PINOCCHIO
                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     PINOCCHIO
                         We were forced to come here.

                                     SHREK
                         (flabbergasted) By who?

                                     LITTLE PIG
                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed 
                         and he...signed an eviction notice.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where 
                         this Farquaad guy is?
 
               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.

                                     SHREK
                         Does anyone else know where to find 
                         him? Anyone at all?
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Me! Me!

                                     SHREK
                         Anyone?

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! 
                         Me, me!
 
                                     SHREK
                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy 
                         tale things. Do not get comfortable. 
                         Your welcome is officially worn out. 
                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad 
                         right now and get you all off my land 
                         and back where you came from! (Pause. 
                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) 
                         You! You're comin' with me.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, that's what I like to hear, 
                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart 
                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city 
                         adventure. I love it!
 
                                     DONKEY
                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it 
                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get 
                         on the road again.
 
                                     SHREK
                         What did I say about singing?

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I whistle?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I hum it?

                                     SHREK
                         All right, hum it.

               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

               DULOC - KITCHEN

               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually 
               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.
 
                         
               The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down 
               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the 
               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes 
               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
 
               
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs 
                         and plays with them) Run, run, run, 
                         as fast as you can. You can't catch 
                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.
 
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         You are a monster.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You 
                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash, 
                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell 
                         me! Where are the others?
 
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's 
                         eye.)
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures. 
                         Now my patience has reached its end! 
                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to 
                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
 
                         
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop 
                         buttons.
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         All right then. Who's hiding them?
 
                         
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the 
                         muffin man?
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         The muffin man?

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         The muffin man.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives 
                         on Drury Lane?
 
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.
 
                         
                                     FARQUAAD
                         The muffin man?

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         The muffin man!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         She's married to the muffin man.

               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         My lord! We found it.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring 
                         it in.
 
               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. 
               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic 
               Mirror.
 
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         (in awe) Ohhhh...

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Magic mirror...

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks 
                         him up and dumps him into a trash can 
                         with a lid.) No!
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. 
                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom 
                         of them all?
 
                                     MIRROR
                         Well, technically you're not a king.
 
                         
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a 
                         hand mirror and smashes it with his 
                         fist.) You were saying?
 
                                     MIRROR
                         What I mean is you're not a king yet. 
                         But you can become one. All you have 
                         to do is marry a princess.
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Go on.

                                     MIRROR
                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back 
                         and relax, my lord, because it's time 
                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. 
                         And here they are! Bachelorette number 
                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from 
                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi 
                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies 
                         include cooking and cleaning for her 
                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. 
                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette 
                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from 
                         the land of fancy. Although she lives 
                         with seven other men, she's not easy. 
                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and 
                         find out what a live wire she is. Come 
                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows 
                         picture of Snow White) And last, but 
                         certainly not last, bachelorette number 
                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded 
                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! 
                         But don't let that cool you off. She's 
                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads 
                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours 
                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows 
                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it 
                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette 
                         number two or bachelorette number three?
 
                         
                                     GUARDS
                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
 
                         
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Three? One? Three?

                                     THELONIUS
                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number 
                         three, my lord!
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!

                                     MIRROR
                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess 
                         Fiona.
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I 
                         have to do is just find someone who 
                         can go...
 
                                     MIRROR
                         But I probably should mention the little 
                         thing that happens at night.
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll do it.

                                     MIRROR
                         Yes, but after sunset...

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona 
                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have 
                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble 
                         your finest men. We're going to have 
                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)
 
               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking 
               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         But that's it. That's it right there. 
                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-huh. That's the place.

                                     SHREK
                         Do you think maybe he's compensating 
                         for something? (He laughs, but then 
                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. 
                         He continues walking through the parking 
                         lot.)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

                                     MAN
                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing 
                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, 
                         screams and begins running through the 
                         rows of rope to get to the front gate 
                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. 
                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just 
                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins 
                         walking straight through the rows. The 
                         attendant runs into a wall and falls 
                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then 
                         continue on into DuLoc.)
 
               DULOC

               They look around but all is quiet.

                                     SHREK
                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, look at this!

               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box 
               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors 
               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin 
               to sing.
 
                                     WOODEN PEOPLE
                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
 
                         
               Here we have some rules

               Let us lay them down

               Don't make waves, stay in line

               And we'll get along fine

               DuLoc is perfect place

               Please keep off of the grass

               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

               DuLoc is, DuLoc is

               DuLoc is perfect place.

               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

                                     DONKEY
                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready 
                         to run over and pull the lever again)
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) 
                         No. No. No, no, no! No.
 
               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Brave knights. You are the best and 
                         brightest in all the land. Today one 
                         of you shall prove himself...
 
               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena 
               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
 
                                     SHREK
                         All right. You're going the right way 
                         for a smacked bottom.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Sorry about that.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         That champion shall have the honor - 
                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth 
                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona 
                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If 
                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, 
                         the first runner-up will take his place 
                         and so on and so forth. Some of you 
                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing 
                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament 
                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is 
                         that? It's hideous!
 
                                     SHREK
                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back 
                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. 
                         It's just a donkey.
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who 
                         kills the ogre will be named champion! 
                         Have it him!
 
                                     MEN
                         Get him!

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps 
                         into a table where there are mugs of 
                         beer)
 
                                     CROWD
                         Go ahead! Get him!

                                     SHREK
                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just 
                         settle this over a pint?
 
                                     CROWD
                         Kill the beast!

                                     SHREK
                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer) 
                         Come on!
 
               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel 
               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the 
               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides 
               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. 
               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger 
               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. 
               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much 
               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice 
               to say that Shrek kicks butt.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek 
               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah!

               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time 
               and sees him.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         The chair! Give him the chair!

               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men 
               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding 
               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you 
                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try 
                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
 
               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on 
               Shrek.
 
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Shall I give the order, sir?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         No, I have a better idea. People of 
                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!
 
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the 
                         honor of embarking on a great and noble 
                         quest.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest 
                         to get my swamp back.
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Your swamp?

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those 
                         fairy tale creatures!
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you 
                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and 
                         I'll give you your swamp back.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Exactly the way it was?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         And the squatters?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         As good as gone.

                                     SHREK
                         What kind of quest?

               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field 
               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna 
                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess 
                         just so Farquaad will give you back 
                         a swamp which you only don't have because 
                         he filled it full of freaks in the first 
                         place. Is that about right?
 
                                     SHREK
                         You know, maybe there's a good reason 
                         donkeys shouldn't talk.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull 
                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle 
                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds 
                         his bones to make your bread, the whole 
                         ogre trip.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have 
                         decapitated an entire village and put 
                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, 
                         cut open their spleen and drink their 
                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh, no, not really, no.

                                     SHREK
                         For your information, there's a lot 
                         more to ogres than people think.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Example?

                                     SHREK
                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. 
                         (he holds out his onion)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes - - No!

                                     DONKEY
                         They make you cry?

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     DONKEY
                         You leave them in the sun, they get 
                         all brown, start sproutin' little white 
                         hairs.
 
                                     SHREK
                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres 
                         have layers! Onions have layers. You 
                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves 
                         a sigh and then walks off)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both 
                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, 
                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody 
                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
 
                                     SHREK
                         I don't care... what everyone likes. 
                         Ogres are not like cakes.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what else everybody likes? 
                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, 
                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they 
                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? 
                         Parfaits are delicious.
 
                                     SHREK
                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature 
                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! 
                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing 
                         on the whole damn planet.
 
                                     SHREK
                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm 
                         making a mess. Just the word parfait 
                         make me start slobbering.
 
               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through 
               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying 
               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, 
               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
 
               DRAGON'S KEEP

               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to 
               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
 
               
                                     DONKEY
                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? 
                         You gotta warn somebody before you just 
                         crack one off. My mouth was open and 
                         everything.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd 
                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We 
                         must be getting close.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking 
                         about it's the brimstone. I know what 
                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It 
                         didn't come off no stone neither.
 
                         
               They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There 
               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where 
               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very 
               foreboding.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the 
                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns 
                         into a groan)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said 
                         ogres have layers?
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, aye.

                                     DONKEY
                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to 
                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We 
                         wear our fear right out there on our 
                         sleeves.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what I mean.

                                     SHREK
                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable 
                         about being on a rickety bridge over 
                         a boiling like of lava!
 
                                     SHREK
                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside 
                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll 
                         just tackle this thing together one 
                         little baby step at a time.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, really.

                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. 
                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't 
                         look down. (he steps through a rotting 
                         board and ends up looking straight down 
                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! 
                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me 
                         off, please!
 
                                     SHREK
                         But you're already halfway.

                                     DONKEY
                         But I know that half is safe!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. 
                         You go back.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, no! Wait!

                                     SHREK
                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance 
                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the 
                         bridge)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Don't do that!

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces 
                         the bridge again)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Yes, that!

                                     SHREK
                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to 
                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across 
                         the bridge)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

                                     SHREK
                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.

                                     DONKEY
                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, 
                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) 
                         Oh!
 
                                     SHREK
                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks 
                         towards the castle)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing 
                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?
 
                                     SHREK
                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. 
                         (chuckles)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
 
                         
               INSIDE THE CASTLE

                                     DONKEY
                         You afraid?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         But...

                                     SHREK
                         Shh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton 
                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong 
                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible 
                         response to an unfamiliar situation. 
                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might 
                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire 
                         and eats knights and breathes fire, 
                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward 
                         if you're a little scared. I sure as 
                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. 
                         Now go over there and see if you can 
                         find any stairs.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for 
                         the princess.
 
                                     SHREK
                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will 
                         be up the stairs in the highest room 
                         in the tallest tower.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         What makes you think she'll be there?
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle 
                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs. 
                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs 
                         won't know which way they're goin'. 
                         (walks off)
 
               EMPTY ROOM

               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
 
               
                                     DONKEY
                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it 
                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm 
                         the stair master. I've mastered the 
                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here. 
                         I'd step all over it.
 
               ELSEWHERE

               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

                                     SHREK
                         Well, at least we know where the princess 
                         is, but where's the...
 
                                     DONKEY
                         (os) Dragon!

               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. 
               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon 
               breathes fire.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get 
                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds 
                         on) Got ya!
 
               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek 
               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the 
               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying 
               on the floor.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! Aah! Aah!

               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small 
               part of the bridge he's on.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, 
                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon 
                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. 
                         I know you probably hear this all time 
                         from your food, but you must bleach, 
                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you 
                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty 
                         freshness? And you know what else? You're 
                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! 
                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 
                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty. 
                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes 
                         at him) What's the matter with you? 
                         You got something in your eye? Ohh. 
                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, 
                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon 
                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a 
                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm 
                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd 
                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke 
                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him 
                         up with her teeth and carries him off) 
                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
 
               FIONA'S ROOM

               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona 
               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She 
               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off 
               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. 
               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for 
               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders 
               and shakes her away.
 
                                     FIONA
                         Oh! Oh!

                                     SHREK
                         Wake up!

                                     FIONA
                         What?

                                     SHREK
                         Are you Princess Fiona?

                                     FIONA
                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to 
                         rescue me.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

                                     FIONA
                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our 
                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, 
                         romantic moment?
 
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should 
                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window 
                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         You've had a lot of time to plan this, 
                         haven't you?
 
                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.

               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down 
               the hallway.
 
                                     FIONA
                         But we have to savor this moment! You 
                         could recite an epic poem for me. A 
                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         I don't think so.

                                     FIONA
                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Shrek.

                                     FIONA
                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds 
                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you 
                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Thanks!

               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

                                     FIONA
                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on! 
                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind 
                         him.)
 
                                     FIONA
                         But this isn't right! You were meant 
                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. 
                         That's what all the other knights did.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly 
                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek 
                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door 
                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you 
                         going? The exit's over there.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I have to save my ass.

                                     FIONA
                         What kind of knight are you?

                                     SHREK
                         One of a kind. (opens the door into 
                         the throne room)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. 
                         I believe it's healthy to get to know 
                         someone over a long period of time. 
                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs 
                         worriedly) (we see him up close and 
                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into 
                         the room) I don't want to rush into 
                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally 
                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this 
                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm 
                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that 
                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what 
                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just 
                         back up a little and take this one step 
                         at a time. We really should get to know 
                         each other first as friends or pen pals. 
                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love 
                         receiving cards - - I'd really love 
                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's 
                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're 
                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission 
                         - - What are you gonna do with that? 
                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. 
                         No, no, no. No! Oh!
 
               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings 
               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks 
               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. 
               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps 
               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. 
               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and 
               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto 
               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms 
               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey 
               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and 
               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Hi, Princess!

                                     FIONA
                         It talks!

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's 
                         the trick.
 
               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots 
               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a 
               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His 
               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles 
               off and walks lightly.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh!

               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
 
               
                                     SHREK
                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll 
                         take care of the dragon.
 
               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the 
               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping 
               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that 
               is still around the dragons neck.
 
                                     SHREK
                         (echoing) Run!

               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot 
               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons 
               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on 
               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They 
               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look 
               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to 
               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the 
               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs 
               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a 
               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
 
                                     FIONA
                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You 
                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. 
                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) 
                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're... 
                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the 
                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little 
                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed 
                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am 
                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears 
                         his throat.) And where would a brave 
                         knight be without his noble steed?
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         I hope you heard that. She called me 
                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         The battle is won. You may remove your 
                         helmet, good Sir Knight.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, no.

                                     FIONA
                         Why not?

                                     SHREK
                         I have helmet hair.

                                     FIONA
                         Please. I would'st look upon the face 
                         of my rescuer.
 
                                     SHREK
                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

                                     FIONA
                         But how will you kiss me?

                                     SHREK
                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the 
                         job description.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Maybe it's a perk.

                                     FIONA
                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know 
                         how it goes. A princess locked in a 
                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued 
                         by a brave knight, and then they share 
                         true love's first kiss.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. 
                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true 
                         love?
 
                                     FIONA
                         Well, yes.

               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.

                                     DONKEY
                         You think Shrek is your true love!
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         What is so funny?

                                     SHREK
                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: 
                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. 
                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Look. I really don't think this is a 
                         good idea.
 
                                     FIONA
                         Just take off the helmet.

                                     SHREK
                         I'm not going to.

                                     FIONA
                         Take it off.

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     FIONA
                         Now!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. 
                         (takes off his helmet)
 
                                     FIONA
                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is 
                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be 
                         an ogre.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by 
                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who 
                         wants to marry you.
 
                                     FIONA
                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Good question. You should ask him that 
                         when we get there.
 
                                     FIONA
                         But I have to be rescued by my true 
                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his 
                         pet.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Well, so much for noble steed.

                                     SHREK
                         You're not making my job any easier.
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. 
                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he 
                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be 
                         waiting for him right here.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all 
                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. 
                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings 
                         her over his shoulder like she was a 
                         sack of potatoes)
 
                                     FIONA
                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

                                     SHREK
                         Ya comin', Donkey?

                                     DONKEY
                         I'm right behind ya.

                                     FIONA
                         Put me down, or you will suffer the 
                         consequences! This is not dignified! 
                         Put me down!
 
               WOODS

               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just 
               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, so here's another question. Say 
                         there's a woman that digs you, right, 
                         but you don't really like her that way. 
                         How do you let her down real easy so 
                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't 
                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?
 
                                     FIONA
                         You just tell her she's not your true 
                         love. Everyone knows what happens when 
                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on 
                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to 
                         DuLoc the better.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         You're gonna love it there, Princess. 
                         It's beautiful!
 
                                     FIONA
                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? 
                         What's he like?
 
                                     SHREK
                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men 
                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. 
                         (he and Donkey laugh)
 
               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off 
               the dust and grime.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         I don't know. There are those who think 
                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: 
                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're 
                         just jealous you can never measure up 
                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. 
                         But I'll let you do the "measuring" 
                         when you see him tomorrow.
 
                                     FIONA
                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? 
                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop 
                         to make camp?
 
                                     SHREK
                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep 
                         going.
 
                                     FIONA
                         But there's robbers in the woods.

                                     DONKEY
                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting 
                         to sound good.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything 
                         we're going to see in this forest.
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!
 
                         
               Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
 
               
               MOUNTAIN CLIFF

               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves 
               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! Over here.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I 
                         don't think this is fit for a princess.
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs 
                         a few homey touches.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears 
                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona 
                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee 
                         good night. (goes into the cave and 
                         puts the bark door up behind her)
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         You want me to read you a bedtime story? 
                         I will.
 
                                     FIONA
                         (os) I said good night!

               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the 
               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona 
               still inside.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, What are you doing?

                                     SHREK
                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, 
                         come on. I was just kidding.
 
               LATER THAT NIGHT

               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring 
               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations 
               to Donkey.
 
                                     SHREK
                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, 
                         the only ogre to ever spit over three 
                         wheat fields.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future 
                         from these stars?
 
                                     SHREK
                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. 
                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, 
                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's 
                         famous for.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         I know you're making this up.

                                     SHREK
                         No, look. There he is, and there's the 
                         group of hunters running away from his 
                         stench.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little 
                         dots.
 
                                     SHREK
                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are 
                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what 
                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Our swamp?

                                     DONKEY
                         You know, when we're through rescuing 
                         the princess.
 
                                     SHREK
                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's 
                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp. 
                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build 
                         a ten-foot wall around my land.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real 
                         deep just now. You know what I think? 
                         I think this whole wall thing is just 
                         a way to keep somebody out.
 
                                     SHREK
                         No, do ya think?

                                     DONKEY
                         Are you hidin' something?

                                     SHREK
                         Never mind, Donkey.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, this is another one of those onion 
                         things, isn't it?
 
                                     SHREK
                         No, this is one of those drop-it and 
                         leave-it alone things.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Why don't you want to talk about it?
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Why do you want to talk about it?

                                     DONKEY
                         Why are you blocking?

                                     SHREK
                         I'm not blocking.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, yes, you are.

                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, I'm warning you.

                                     DONKEY
                         Who you trying to keep out?

                                     SHREK
                         Everyone! Okay?

                                     DONKEY
                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. 
                         (grins)
 
               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to 
               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and 
                         walks over to the edge of the cliff 
                         and sits down)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         What's your problem? What you got against 
                         the whole world anyway?
 
                                     SHREK
                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem, 
                         okay? It's the world that seems to have 
                         a problem with me. People take one look 
                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, 
                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before 
                         they even know me. That's why I'm better 
                         off alone.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what? When we met, I didn't 
                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly 
                         ogre.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, I know.

                                     DONKEY
                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small 
                         and Annoying.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny 
                         one, right there. That one there?
 
                         
               Fiona puts the door back.

                                     SHREK
                         That's the moon.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, okay.

               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom

               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays 
               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic 
               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, 
                         show her to me. Show me the princess.
 
                         
                                     MIRROR
                         Hmph.

               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
 
               
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Ah. Perfect.

               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up 
               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly 
               at her image in the mirror.
 
               MORNING

               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey 
               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes 
               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along 
               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles 
               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too 
               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but 
               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona 
               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still 
               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking 
               in his sleep.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like 
                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said 
                         I like it.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

                                     DONKEY
                         Huh? What?

                                     SHREK
                         Wake up.

                                     DONKEY
                         What? (stretches and yawns)

                                     FIONA
                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your 
                         eggs?
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, good morning, Princess!

               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

                                     SHREK
                         What's all this about?

                                     FIONA
                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad 
                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it 
                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did 
                         rescue me.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, thanks.

               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

                                     FIONA
                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead 
                         of us. (walks off)
 
               LATER

               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the 
               forest. Shrek belches.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek!

                                     SHREK
                         What? It's a compliment. Better out 
                         than in, I always say. (laughs)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Well, it's no way to behave in front 
                         of a princess.
 
               Fiona belches

                                     FIONA
                         Thanks.

                                     DONKEY
                         She's as nasty as you are.

                                     SHREK
                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly 
                         what I expected.
 
                                     FIONA
                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people 
                         before you get to know them.
 
               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly 
               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into 
               a tree.
 
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         La liberte! Hey!

                                     SHREK
                         Princess!

                                     FIONA
                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
 
                         
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! 
                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses 
                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in 
                         disgust)...beast.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you 
                         own!
 
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a 
                         little busy here?
 
                                     FIONA
                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't 
                         know who you think you are!
 
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please 
                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. 
                         (laughs)
 
               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out 
               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
 
                                     MERRY MEN
                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         I steal from the rich and give to the 
                         needy.
 
                                     MERRY MEN
                         He takes a wee percentage,

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty 
                         damsels, man, I'm good.
 
                                     MERRY MEN
                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Break it down. I like an honest fight 
                         and a saucy little maid...
 
                                     MERRY MEN
                         What he's basically saying is he likes 
                         to get...
 
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush 
                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
 
                         
                                     MERRY MEN
                         That's bad.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes 
                         me awfully mad.
 
                                     MERRY MEN
                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.
 
                         
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         I'll take my blade and ram it through 
                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 
                         'cause I'm about to start...
 
               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and 
               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
 
                                     FIONA
                         Man, that was annoying!

               Shrek looks at her in admiration.

                                     MERRY MAN
                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at 
                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
 
                         
               The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to 
               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
 
               
               Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and 
               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is 
               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in 
               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, 
               and Fiona begins walking away.
 
                                     FIONA
                         Uh, shall we?

                                     SHREK
                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins 
                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, 
                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come 
                         from?
 
                                     FIONA
                         What?

                                     SHREK
                         That! Back there. That was amazing! 
                         Where did you learn that?
 
                                     FIONA
                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, 
                         uh, one has to learn these things in 
                         case there's a...(gasps and points) 
                         there's an arrow in your butt!
 
                                     SHREK
                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you 
                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out 
                         but flinches because it's tender)
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so 
                         sorry.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek's hurt.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, 
                         Shrek's gonna die.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, I'm okay.

                                     DONKEY
                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm 
                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs 
                         elevated. Turn your head and cough. 
                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?
 
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help 
                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me 
                         a blue flower with red thorns.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on 
                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die 
                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay 
                         away from the light!
 
                                     SHREK & FIONA
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                         (runs off)
 
                                     SHREK
                         What are the flowers for?

                                     FIONA
                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid 
                         of Donkey.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Ah.

                                     FIONA
                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this 
                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little 
                         pull)
 
                                     SHREK
                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the 
                         yankin'.
 
               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and 
               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
 
                                     FIONA
                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         No, it's tender.

                                     FIONA
                         Now, hold on.

                                     SHREK
                         What you're doing is the opposite of 
                         help.
 
                                     FIONA
                         Don't move.

                                     SHREK
                         Look, time out.

                                     FIONA
                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his 
                         hand over her face to stop her from 
                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do 
                         you propose we do?
 
               ELSEWHERE

               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.

                                     DONKEY
                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, 
                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't 
                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Ow!

                                     DONKEY
                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a 
                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens 
                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)
 
                         
               THE FOREST PATH

                                     SHREK
                         Ow! Not good.

                                     FIONA
                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. 
                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just 
                         about...
 
                                     SHREK
                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall 
                         over with Fiona on top of him)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Ahem.

                                     SHREK
                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing 
                         happend. We were just, uh - -
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all 
                         you had to do was ask. Okay?
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on 
                         my mind. The princess here was just- 
                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he 
                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up 
                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) 
                         That's...is that blood?
 
               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue 
               on their way.
 
               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. 
               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a 
               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as 
               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back 
               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting 
               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb 
               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it 
               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins 
               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. 
               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting 
               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning 
               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group 
               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
 
               WINDMILL

                                     SHREK
                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits 
                         you.
 
                                     FIONA
                         That's DuLoc?

                                     DONKEY
                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks 
                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, 
                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek 
                         steps on his hoof) Ow!
 
                                     SHREK
                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move 
                         on.
 
                                     FIONA
                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried 
                         about Donkey.
 
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     FIONA
                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look 
                         so good.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's 
                         what they always say, and then next 
                         thing you know, you're on your back. 
                         (pause) Dead.
 
                                     SHREK
                         You know, she's right. You look awful. 
                         Do you want to sit down?
 
                                     FIONA
                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I 
                         got this twinge in my neck, and when 
                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns 
                         his neck in a very sharp way until his 
                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         I'll get the firewood.

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't 
                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) 
                         I don't have any toes! I think I need 
                         a hug.
 
               SUNSET

               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while 
               Fiona eats.
 
                                     FIONA
                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good. 
                         What is this?
 
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

                                     FIONA
                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now, 
                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean 
                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)
 
               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.

                                     FIONA
                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently 
                         tomorrow night.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp 
                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff 
                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare 
                         - - you name it.
 
                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) I'd like that.

               They smiles at each other.

                                     SHREK
                         Um, Princess?

                                     FIONA
                         Yes, Shrek?

                                     SHREK
                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) 
                         Are you gonna eat that?
 
                                     DONKEY
                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? 
                         Just look at that sunset.
 
                                     FIONA
                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's 
                         late. I-It's very late.
 
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     DONKEY
                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on 
                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't 
                         you?
 
                                     FIONA
                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. 
                         You know, I'd better go inside.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to 
                         be afraid of the dark, too, until - 
                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of 
                         the dark.
 
               Shrek sighs

                                     FIONA
                         Good night.

                                     SHREK
                         Good night.

               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks 
               at Shrek with a new eye.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on 
                         here.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?

                                     DONKEY
                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm 
                         an animal, and I got instincts. And 
                         I know you two were diggin' on each 
                         other. I could feel it.
 
                                     SHREK
                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her 
                         back to Farquaad.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell 
                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell 
                         her how you feel.
 
                                     SHREK
                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, 
                         even if I did tell her that, well, you 
                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause 
                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm 
                         - -
 
                                     DONKEY
                         An ogre?

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah. An ogre.

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, where you goin'?

                                     SHREK
                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)

               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already 
               is.
 
               TIME LAPSE

               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is 
               nowhere to be seen.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, 
                         where are you? Princess?
 
               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
 
               
                                     DONKEY
                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing 
                         no games.
 
               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't 
               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking 
               out.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Aah!

                                     FIONA
                         Oh, no!

                                     DONKEY
                         No, help!

                                     FIONA
                         Shh!

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         No, it's okay. It's okay.

                                     DONKEY
                         What did you do with the princess?
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey, I'm the princess.

                                     DONKEY
                         Aah!

                                     FIONA
                         It's me, in this body.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to 
                         her stomach) Can you hear me?
 
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, 
                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of 
                         there!
 
                                     FIONA
                         No!

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         Shh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         This is me.

               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets 
               down.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess? What happened to you? You're, 
                         uh, uh, uh, different.
 
                                     FIONA
                         I'm ugly, okay?

                                     DONKEY
                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 
                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a 
                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. 
                         Now - -
 
                                     FIONA
                         No. I - - I've been this way as long 
                         as I can remember.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never 
                         seen you like this before.
 
                                     FIONA
                         It only happens when sun goes down. 
                         "By night one way, by day another. This 
                         shall be the norm... until you find 
                         true love's first kiss... and then take 
                         love's true form."
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know 
                         you wrote poetry.
 
                                     FIONA
                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little 
                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every 
                         night I become this. This horrible, 
                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower 
                         to await the day my true love would 
                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry 
                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun 
                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins 
                         to cry)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look, 
                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. 
                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. 
                         But you only look like this at night. 
                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.
 
                                     FIONA
                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this 
                         is not how a princess is meant to look.
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry 
                         Farquaad?
 
                                     FIONA
                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss 
                         can break the spell.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an 
                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a 
                         lot in common.
 
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek?

               OUTSIDE

               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his 
               hand.
 
                                     SHREK
                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's 
                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good 
                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower 
                         and thought of you because it's pretty 
                         and - - well, I don't really like it, 
                         but I thought you might like it 'cause 
                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway. 
                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. 
                         Okay, here we go.
 
               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey 
               and Fiona talking.
 
                                     FIONA
                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. 
                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, 
                         really, who can ever love a beast so 
                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" 
                         don't go together. That's why I can't 
                         stay here with Shrek.
 
               Shrek steps back in shock.

                                     FIONA
                         (os) My only chance to live happily 
                         ever after is to marry my true love.
 
                         
               Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks 
               away.
 
               INSIDE

                                     FIONA
                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how 
                         it has to be. It's the only way to break 
                         the spell.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one 
                         must ever know.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         What's the point of being able to talk 
                         if you gotta keep secrets?
 
                                     FIONA
                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!

                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. I won't tell him. 
                         But you should. (goes outside) I just 
                         know before this is over, I'm gonna 
                         need a whole lot of serious therapy. 
                         Look at my eye twitchin'.
 
               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks 
               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back 
               inside the windmill.
 
               MORNING

               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still 
               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
 
                                     FIONA
                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, 
                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly 
                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! 
                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she 
                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as 
                         the sun crests the sky she turns back 
                         into a human.)
 
               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards 
               her.
 
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek. Are you all right?

                                     SHREK
                         Perfect! Never been better.

                                     FIONA
                         I - - I don't - - There's something 
                         I have to tell you.
 
                                     SHREK
                         You don't have to tell me anything, 
                         Princess. I heard enough last night.
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         You heard what I said?

                                     SHREK
                         Every word.

                                     FIONA
                         I thought you'd understand.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who 
                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to 
                         you.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at 
                         him in shock. He looks past her and 
                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right 
                         on time. Princess, I've brought you 
                         a little something.
 
               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal 
               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only 
               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers 
               march by.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots 
                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? 
                         Couldn't have been the donkey.
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona.

                                     SHREK
                         As promised. Now hand it over.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece 
                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared 
                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before 
                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) 
                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling 
                         you, but you startled me, for I have 
                         never seen such a radiant beauty before. 
                         I'm Lord Farquaad.
 
                                     FIONA
                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad 
                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, 
                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches 
                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse 
                         and set down in front of her. He comes 
                         to her waist.) farewell.
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have 
                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's 
                         not like it has feelings.
 
                                     FIONA
                         No, you're right. It doesn't.

               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
 
               
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless 
                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. 
                         Will you be the perfect bride for the 
                         perfect groom?
 
                                     FIONA
                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would 
                         make - -
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start 
                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
 
                                     FIONA
                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get 
                         married today before the sun sets.
 
                         
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. 
                         The sooner, the better. There's so much 
                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake, 
                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round 
                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona 
                         on the back of his horse)
 
                                     FIONA
                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.

               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches 
               them go.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting 
                         her get away.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah? So what?

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, there's something about her you 
                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last 
                         night, She's - -
 
                                     SHREK
                         I know you talked to her last night. 
                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if 
                         you two are such good friends, why don't 
                         you follow her home?
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

                                     SHREK
                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming 
                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp! 
                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! 
                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, 
                         talking donkeys!
 
                                     DONKEY
                         But I thought - -

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! 
                         (stomps off)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek.

               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona 
               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running 
               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner 
               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
 
               SHREK'S HOME

               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes 
               outside to investigate.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues 
                         with what he's doing.) What are you 
                         doing?
 
                                     DONKEY
                         I would think, of all people, you would 
                         recognize a wall when you see one.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed 
                         to go around my swamp, not through it.
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         It is around your half. See that's your 
                         half, and this is my half.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.

                                     DONKEY
                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. 
                         I did half the work. I get half the 
                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock, 
                         the one that looks like your head.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Back off!

                                     DONKEY
                         No, you back off.

                                     SHREK
                         This is my swamp!

                                     DONKEY
                         Our swamp.

                                     SHREK
                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working 
                         with) Let go, Donkey!
 
                                     DONKEY
                         You let go.

                                     SHREK
                         Stubborn jackass!

                                     DONKEY
                         Smelly ogre.

                                     SHREK
                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks 
                         away)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through 
                         with you yet.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I'm through with you.

                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, 
                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now 
                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and 
                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You 
                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything 
                         that I do! You're always pushing me 
                         around or pushing me away.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so 
                         bad, how come you came back?
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Because that's what friends do! They 
                         forgive each other!
 
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive 
                         you... for stabbin' me in the back! 
                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the 
                         door)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, 
                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own 
                         feelings.
 
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Go away!

                                     DONKEY
                         There you are , doing it again just 
                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever 
                         do was like you, maybe even love you.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a 
                         hideous creature. I heard the two of 
                         you talking.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was 
                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't 
                         talking about me? Well, then who was 
                         she talking about?
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. 
                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right? 
                         Right?
 
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         No!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) 
                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, 
                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Right. Friends?

                                     DONKEY
                         Friends.

                                     SHREK
                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
 
                         
                                     DONKEY
                         What are you asking me for? Why don't 
                         you just go ask her?
 
                                     SHREK
                         The wedding! We'll never make it in 
                         time.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's 
                         a will, there's a way and I have a way. 
                         (whistles)
 
               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so 
               they can climb on.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey?

                                     DONKEY
                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
 
                         
               They both laugh.

                                     SHREK
                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a 
                         noogie)
 
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. Don't get all 
                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All 
                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't 
                         had a chance to install the seat belts 
                         yet.
 
               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.

               DULOC - CHURCH

               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. 
               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
 
               
                                     PRIEST
                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today 
                         to bear witness to the union....
 
                                     FIONA
                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-

                                     PRIEST
                         ...of our new king...

                                     FIONA
                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead 
                         to the "I do's"?
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest 
                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.
 
               COURTYARD

               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with 
               a boom. The guards all take off running.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. 
                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about 
                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards) 
                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You 
                         wanna do this right, don't you?
 
                                     SHREK
                         (at the Church door) What are you talking 
                         about?
 
                                     DONKEY
                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The 
                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or 
                         forever hold your peace." That's when 
                         you say, "I object!"
 
                                     SHREK
                         I don't have time for this!

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen 
                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't 
                         you?
 
                                     SHREK
                         Yes.

                                     DONKEY
                         You wanna hold her?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please her?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes!

                                     DONKEY
                         (singing James Brown style) Then you 
                         got to, got to try a little tenderness. 
                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic 
                         crap!
 
                                     SHREK
                         All right! Cut it out. When does this 
                         guy say the line?
 
                                     DONKEY
                         We gotta check it out.

               INSIDE CHURCH

               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the 
               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
 
                                     PRIEST
                         And so, by the power vested in me...
 
                         
               Outside

                                     SHREK
                         What do you see?

                                     DONKEY
                         The whole town's in there.

               Inside

                                     PRIEST
                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...
 
                         
               Outside

                                     DONKEY
                         They're at the altar.

               Inside

                                     PRIEST
                         ...king and queen.

               Outside

                                     DONKEY
                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, for the love of Pete!

               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
 
               
               INSIDE CHURCH

                                     SHREK
                         (running toward the alter) I object!
 
                         
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek?

               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, now what does he want?

                                     SHREK
                         (to congregation as he reaches the front 
                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' 
                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first 
                         of all. Very clean.
 
                                     FIONA
                         What are you doing here?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, it's rude enough being alive 
                         when no one wants you, but showing up 
                         uninvited to a wedding...
 
                                     SHREK
                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.

                                     FIONA
                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little 
                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me 
                         - -
 
                                     SHREK
                         But you can't marry him.

                                     FIONA
                         And why not?

                                     SHREK
                         Because- - Because he's just marring 
                         you so he can be king.
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         He's not your true love.

                                     FIONA
                         And what do you know about true love?
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen 
                         in love with the princess! Oh, good 
                         Lord. (laughs)
 
               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The 
               whole congregation laughs.
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         An ogre and a princess!

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek, is this true?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, 
                         my love, we're but a kiss away from 
                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! 
                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her, 
                         but she pulls back.)
 
                                     FIONA
                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night 
                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek) 
                         I wanted to show you before.
 
               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. 
               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
 
                                     SHREK
                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona 
                         smiles)
 
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! 
                         I order you to get that out of my sight 
                         now! Get them! Get them both!
 
               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights 
               them.
 
                                     SHREK
                         No, no!

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This 
                         marriage is binding, and that makes 
                         me king! See? See?
 
                                     FIONA
                         No, let go of me! Shrek!

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Don't just stand there, you morons.
 
                         
                                     SHREK
                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll make you regret the day we met. 
                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll 
                         beg for death to save you!
 
                                     FIONA
                         No, Shrek!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And 
                         as for you, my wife...
 
                                     SHREK
                         Fiona!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll have you locked back in that tower 
                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!
 
                         
               Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I will have order! I will have perfection! 
                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon 
                         show up and the dragon leans down and 
                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
 
                                     DONKEY
                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon 
                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it. 
                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on 
                         the edge!
 
               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth 
               and falls to the ground.
 
                                     DONKEY
                         Celebrity marriages. They never last, 
                         do they?
 
               The congregation cheers.

                                     DONKEY
                         Go ahead, Shrek.

                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Fiona?

                                     FIONA
                         Yes, Shrek?

                                     SHREK
                         I - - I love you.

                                     FIONA
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, really.

                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) I love you too.

               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 
               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
 
               
                                     CONGREGATION
                         Aawww!

               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted 
               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around 
               her.
 
                                     WHISPERS
                         "Until you find true love's first kiss 
                         and then take love's true form. Take 
                         love's true form. Take love's true form."
 
                         
               Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell 
               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
 
                                     SHREK
                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are 
                         you all right?
 
                                     FIONA
                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, 
                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed 
                         to be beautiful.
 
                                     SHREK
                         But you ARE beautiful.

               They smile at each other.

                                     DONKEY
                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be 
                         a happy ending.
 
               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...

               THE SWAMP

               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm 
               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek 
               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting 
               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet 
               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end 
               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet 
               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now 
               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona 
               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over 
               singing the song.
 
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         God bless us, every one.

                                     DONKEY
                         (as he's done singing and we fade to 
                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't 
                         breathe. I can't breathe.
 
               THE END
SHREK THE THIRD




                                   Written by

            Peter Seaman, Jeffrey Price, Chris Miller & Aron Warner




          
                                               Final Screening Script
                         
                         
          INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT
                         
          A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light
          descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince
          Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open
          plains. The wind blows back his golden mane.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Onward Chauncey, to the highest
           room of the tallest tower! Where
           my princess awaits rescue from her
           handsome Prince Charming.
                         
          Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a
          wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a
          bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another
          stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background.
          In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound
          effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back
          stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and
          lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front
          of a cheaply painted backdrop.
                         
          The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the
          audience.
                         
                          GINGERBREAD MAN
           This is worse than Love Letters! I
           hate dinner theatre.
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
           Me too.
                         
          Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie.
                         
          Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Whoa there, Chauncey!
                         
          He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He
          strikes a dramatic pose.
                         
          A Princess leans from a tower window.
                         
                          ACTRESS
           Hark! The brave Prince Charming
           approach-ith.
                         
          Prince Charming puffs his chest out.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2.
                         
                         
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay
           the monster that guards you and
           take my place as rightful King.
                         
          An old couple at a table look confused.
                         
                          OLD LADY
           (to old man)
           What did she say?
                         
          Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores
          him.
                         
          A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage.
                         
                          OGRE
           Grrrrrrr!
                         
          The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures
          cheer.
                         
                          FAIRYTALE CREATURES
                          (CHEERING)
           Woooo hoooo!!!
                         
                          GINGERBREAD MAN
           Yea! Shrek!
                         
          At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the
          Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the
          monster.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Prepare foul beast to enter into a
           world of pain with which you are
           not familiar!
                         
          He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake.
                         
                          WAITER
                          (SINGING)
           Happy Birthday to thee.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Do you mind?
                         
          Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on
          stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade.
                         
                          GINGERBREAD MAN
           Do you mind? Bo-ring!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3.
                         
                         
                         
          The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then
          tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again.
          The tower facade starts to topple.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (CLEARS THROAT)
           Prepare foul beast-
                         
          Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade
          falling. He cringes.
                         
          The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is
          unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The
          crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes
          his mangled sword at the audience.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           (shaking his sword again)
           Someday you'll be sorry.
                         
                          HECKLER
           (O.S.)
           We already are!
                         
          They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword,
          picks up his hobby horse and exits.
                         
                          OGRE
           Grrrrrrr!
                         
          The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage.
                         
                         
          INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads
          to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it.
          He opens it.
                         
                         
          EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-
          shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater.
                         
          Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far
          Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince
          Charming breaks down and cries.
                         
          He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped
          to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel"
          is written on the picture.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4.
                         
                         
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (HEAVY SOBS)
           Oh mommy.
                         
          He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A
          determined change grows across his face.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Oh, you're right. I can't let this
           happen. I can't.
                         
          Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His
          expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He
          holds his chin up high.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           I am the rightful King of Far Far
           Away and I promise you this mother.
           I will restore dignity to my
           throne!
                         
          A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face.
          He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense
          and narrow.
                         
           PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
           And this time, no one will stand in
           my way!
                         
          In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a
          crowd.
                         
          Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists.
                         
                         
          EXT. CASTLE - MORNING
                         
          The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun
          rises and the birds sing.
                         
                         
          INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans
          over to Shrek and Fiona waking up.
                         
                          SHREK
           Good morning.
                         
                          FIONA
           Good morning.
                          (DREAMY)
           Oh... morning breath...
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5.
                         
                         
                         
          Shrek breathes in and smiles.
                         
                          SHREK
                          (DREAMY)
           I know. Isn't it wonderful?
                         
          The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush
          in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek
          cowers beneath the bedclothes.
                         
                          DONKEY
                          (SINGING)
           "Good morning! Good morning!"
                         
          Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys
          exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused.
                         
          Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain
          as he enters the room.
                         
                          DONKEY
                          (SINGING)
           "The sun is shining through! Good
           morning! Good morning.
           (coming closer and closer
                          TO SHREK)
           "To you!"
                          (TO SHREK)
           "And you!"
                          (TO DRONKEY)
           And you!
                         
          The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in
          their path.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Oh, they grow up so fast.
                         
          Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a
          little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys.
                         
                          SHREK
           Not fast enough.
                         
          Puss leaps onto the bed.
                         
                          PUSS
           Okay. You have a very full day
           filling in for the King and Queen.
           There are several functions that
           require your attendance, sir.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6.
                         
                         
                         
                          SHREK
           Great! Let's get started.
                         
          Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and
          starts to snore.
                         
                          DONKEY
           C'mon, lazy bones, time to get
           movin'!
                         
          Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is
          surprised to see Shrek's bare legs.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Aaahhh! You know you really need
           to get yourself a pair of jammies.
                         
          Shrek sighs.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY
                         
          The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song
          "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the
          title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed.
                         
          A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek
          walks down the aisle of the church.
                         
          Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous.
                         
          Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea
          what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who
          indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek
          starts to knight the knight.
                         
                          SHREK
           I knight thee...
                         
          Shrek accidentally stabs the knight.
                         
                          SHREK
           He-he. Ooh.
                         
          The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked.
                         
                         
                          CUT TO:
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7.
                         
                         
                         
                         
          EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY
                         
          Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal
          Navy.
                         
          Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the
          boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws
          the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the
          side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks.
                         
          Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their
          heads as they leave.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY
                         
          Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around
          Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of
          them.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Well, since you're filling in for
           one, you might as well look like a
           real King. Can somebody come in
           here and work on Shrek please?
                         
          Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow.
                         
                          RAUL
                          (AHEM)
           I will see what I can do.
                         
          He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools.
                         
          Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair.
                         
          A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip
          cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He
          turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind
          away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes.
                         
          We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into
          frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash.
                         
          Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.
                         
                          FIONA
           Ow!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8.
                         
                         
                         
          Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to
          reveal that the lips are Shrek's.
                         
          A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps
          snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and
          tighten up the zipper all the way.
                         
          A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn,
          Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP!
                         
          A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is
          tightened.
                         
          A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's
          belt. A mole is placed on his cheek.
                         
                         
          INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER
                         
          REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous
          Renaissance outfits.
                         
          Donkey gasps.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Oh!
                         
          Puss rolls his eyes.
                         
                          PUSS
           Yeah, wow.
                         
          Fiona is uncomfortable.
                         
                          FIONA
           Uh, is this really necessary?
                         
                          RAUL
                          (TO SHREK)
           Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
                         
                          SHREK
           I'm Shrek, you twit.
                         
                          RAUL
           Whatever.
                         
                          PUSS
           Okay peoples! This isn't a
           rehearsal. Let's see some hustle.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Smiles everyone, smiles!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9.
                         
                         
                         
          Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples
          arriving at the party.
                         
          Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood.
                         
                          SHREK
           I don't know how much longer I can
           keep this up Fiona.
                         
                          FIONA
           I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please
           just try to grin and bear it? It's
           just until Dad gets better.
                         
          Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh.
                         
                          FIONA
           Shrek?
                         
                          SHREK
           Yeah.
                         
                          FIONA
           You look handsome.
                         
                          SHREK
           Ah. Come here, you.
                         
          She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles
          back.
                         
          Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but
          their bulky outfits prevent it.
                         
          Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air.
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh, my butt is itching up a storm
           and I can't reach it in this monkey
           suit!
                         
          Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail.
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh.
                          (WHISTLE)
           Hey you. Come here!
                         
          A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek.
                         
                          SHREK
           What's your name?
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10.
                         
                         
                         
                          FIDDLESWORTH
           Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
                         
                          SHREK
           Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect.
                         
                         
          INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona.
                         
           MASTER OF CEREMONIES
           Ladies and gentlemen, Princess
           Fiona and Sir Shrek!
                         
          The audience claps. The curtain starts to open.
          Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt.
                         
                          SHREK
           You've done it. Oh, a little over
           to the left, yeah. That's great.
                         
                          FIONA
           Uh Shrek?
                         
          Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd
          looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention.
                         
                          SHREK
           Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh
           yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it!
           Oh that's good!
                         
                          FIONA
           Shrek...
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You
           got it. You're on it. That's
           great!
                         
                          FIONA
           SHREK!
                         
          Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both
          freeze. Shrek laughs nervously.
                         
          Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the
          eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Ow!! My eye! My eye!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11.
                         
                         
                         
          As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd.
                         
                          WOMAN
           What are you doing?
                         
          The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a
          guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the
          axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The
          axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona
          maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the
          vase which causes Fiona to fall over.
                         
          Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding
          Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his
          pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona.
                         
                          SHREK
           Fiona!
                         
          He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the
          stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying
          through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole,
          trapping him.
                         
                          FIDDLESWORTH
           Uhhh...
                          (WIMPER)
                         
          Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor.
                         
                          SHREK
           Are you okay?
                         
                          FIONA
           Yeah. I'm fine.
                         
          Fiona's eyes suddenly widen.
                         
          Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter
          carrying flaming skewers.
                         
                          FIDDLESWORTH
           Ahhhh!
                         
          The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame
          with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and
          land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of
          the skewers out and takes a bite.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Oh! Shrimp! My favorite.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12.
                         
                         
                         
          The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden
          ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half.
                         
          The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables
          slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.
                         
          CRASH! BANG!
                         
           CUT TO BLACK:
                         
                         
          INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                         
          The door to Fiona's room flies open.
                         
                          SHREK
           That's it! We're leaving!
                         
          Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face.
                         
                          FIONA
           Honey, please calm down...
                         
          Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside.
                         
                          SHREK
           Calm down? Who do you think we're
           kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut
           out for this, Fiona and I never
           will be.
                         
          Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings
          his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to
          Donkey.
                         
                          DONKEY
           I think that went pretty well.
                         
          Shrek startles.
                         
                          SHREK
           Donkey!
                         
          Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Aww, come on now Shrek!
                         
          Shrek slams the door shut.
                         
          Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on
          his pillow.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13.
                         
                         
                         
                          PUSS
           Some people just don't understand
           boundaries.
                         
          Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him
          outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the
          ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the
          blinds.
                         
          Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries
          to calm him down.
                         
                          FIONA
           Just think... a couple more days,
           and we'll be back home in our
           vermin-filled shack, strewn with
           fungus, filled with the rotting
           stench of mud and neglect.
                         
          This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath
          and exhales. He smiles.
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled."
                         
                          FIONA
           And, uh... maybe even the pitter-
           patter of little feet on the
           floor...?
                         
                          SHREK
                          (LAUGHS)
           That's right. The swamp rats will
           be spawning.
                         
                          FIONA
           Uh, no... you know, what I was
           thinking of is a little bit bigger
           than a swamp rat.
                         
                          SHREK
           Donkey?
                         
                          FIONA
           No, Shrek. Um... what if -
                          THEORETICALLY -
                         
                          SHREK
           Yeah?
                         
                          FIONA
           They were little ogre feet?
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14.
                         
                         
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh.
                          (NERVOUS LAUGH)
                         
          Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed.
                         
          He slowly emerges from behind the bed.
                         
                          SHREK
           Honey? Let's try and be rational
           about this. Have you seen a baby
           lately? They just eat and poop and
           they cry and then they cry when
           they poop and they poop when they
           cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby.
           They extra cry and they extra poop.
                         
                          FIONA
           Shrek.
                         
          She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes.
                         
                          FIONA
           Don't you ever think about having a
           family?
                         
          Shrek takes her hand.
                         
                          SHREK
           Right now, you're my family.
                         
          There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open,
          revealing a Royal Page.
                         
          Shrek springs up.
                         
                          SHREK
           Well, somebody better be dying.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's
          bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing.
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           I'm dying.
                         
          The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit.
          Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen
          comes to the King's aid and he settles down.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15.
                         
                         
                         
                          QUEEN
           Harold.
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           Don't forget to pay the gardener,
           Lillian.
                         
          The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.
                         
                          QUEEN
           Of course darling.
                         
          The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           Fiona...
                         
                          FIONA
           Yes Daddy?
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           I know I've made many mistakes with
           you.
                         
                          FIONA
           It's okay.
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           But your love for Shrek has taught
           me so much.
                         
          Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           My dear boy, I am proud to call you
           my son.
                         
                          SHREK
           And I'm proud to call you my
           Frog... King Dad in-law.
                         
          Shrek smiles.
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           Now, there is a matter of business
           to attend tooo...
                         
          The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops.
          They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat.
                         
                          PUSS
           The Frog King is dead.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16.
                         
                         
                         
          Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.
                         
                          DONKEY
                          (TO PUSS)
           Put your hat back on, fool.
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           Shrek, please come hither.
                         
          Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.
                         
                          SHREK
           Yeah, Dad?
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           This Kingdom needs a new king. You
           and Fiona are next in line for the
           throne.
                         
                          SHREK
           Ooo. Next in line. Now you see
           Dad, that's why people love you.
           Even on your deathbed you're still
           making jokes.
                         
          The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in
          closer.
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King?
           I don't think that's such a good
           idea. There's got to be somebody
           else. Anybody?
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           Aside from you there is only one
           remaining heir.
                         
          Shrek brightens.
                         
                          SHREK
           Really!? Who is he, Dad?
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           His name is... is... is...
                         
                          SHREK
           What's his name? What's his name?
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           ...is ...
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17.
                         
                         
                         
          Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in
          anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate.
                         
                          FIONA
           Daddy!
                         
          The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies
          away.
                         
          Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame.
          A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.
                         
                          KING HAROLD
           (chewing the fly)
           His name is Arthur.
                         
                          SHREK
           Arthur?
                         
                          KING HAROLD
                          (COUGH)
           I know you'll do what's...
                          (EXHALING)
           riiiight...
                         
          He succumbs. The King really is dead now.
                         
                          QUEEN
           Harold!?
                         
                          SHREK
           Dad? Dad? Dad?
                         
          Donkey bows his head.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Do your thing, man.
                         
          Puss takes his hat off.
                         
          Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's
          request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock.
                         
          We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey
          to let the King's passing sink in.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18.
                         
                         
                         
                         
          EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up
          the shops on Rodeo Drive.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the
          flag is lowered to half-masked.
                         
                         
          EXT. POND - LATER
                         
          Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen,
          and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered
          for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde
          Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out
          into the water.
                         
          An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily
          pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing
          "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the
          Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly.
                         
          Shrek puts his arm around Fiona.
                         
          The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse.
          Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen
          sadly gazes at the pond.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on
          horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his
          hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and
          rides off.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT
                         
          Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19.
                         
                         
                         
                         
          INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the
          top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns
          and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans
          over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a
          microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing
          "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson.
                         
          The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two
          pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master
          takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch
          of empty beer mugs.
                         
          Prince Charming enters the bar.
                         
          A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval
          mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and
          the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming.
                         
          Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera
          adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the
          Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes
          notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding
          Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves
          glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks
          by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White)
          playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and
          the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck.
          Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the
          bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool,
          and sits.
                         
          Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He
          clears his throat.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           What does a Prince have to do to
           get a drink around here?
                         
          Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster
          with a smiling beer wench.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly
           stepsister I'll never know.
                         
          He winks at her. She glares at him.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Where's Doris, taking the night
           off?
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20.
                         
                         
                         
                          MABEL
           She's not welcome here and neither
           are you.
                         
          She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel.
                         
                          MABEL (CONT'D)
           What do you want, Charming?
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Oh not much, just a chance at
           redemption...
                          (LAUGHS)
           And a Fuzzy Navel.
                         
          Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           And Fuzzy Navels for all my
           friends!
                         
          Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The
          singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool
          cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug.
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           We're not your friends.
                         
          Prince Charming grows nervous.
                         
          The Villains all approach Prince Charming.
                         
          From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his
          shoulders and pins him on top of the bar.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Ahh!
                         
          Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck.
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           You don't belong here.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           You're right; oh, I mean you're
           absolutely right, but I mean, do
           any of us?
                         
                          CYCLOPS
           Do a number on his face!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21.
                         
                         
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are
           more alike than you think.
                         
          Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves
           saved Snow White and then what
           happened?
                         
                          EVIL QUEEN
           Oh, what's it to you?
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           They left you the un-fairest of
           them all. And now here you are,
           hustling pool to get your next
           meal. How does that feel?
                         
                          EVIL QUEEN
           Pretty unfair.
                         
          Prince Charming begins to work the crowd.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           And you? Your star puppet abandons
           the show to go and find his father.
                         
                          PUPPET MASTER
           I hate that little wooden puppet.
                         
          Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           And Hook...
                         
          Prince Charming looks down at the hook.
                         
           PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
           ... Need I say more?
                         
          Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           And you! Frumpypigskin.
                         
                          RUMPLESTILTSKIN
           Rumplestiltskin.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Where's that first-born you were
           promised, hey?
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22.
                         
                         
                         
          Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm.
                         
          Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Mabel, remember how you couldn't
           get your little fat foot into that
           tiny glass slipper?
                         
          Mabel sighs.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Cinderella is in Far Far Away right
           now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting
           with every little last Fairy-tale
           Creature that has ever done you
           wrong.
                         
          Prince Charming now has everyone's attention.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Once upon a time, someone decided
           that we were the losers. But there
           are two sides to every story. And
           our side has not been told.
                         
          The crowd listens, rapt.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           So who will join me? Who wants to
           come out on top for once? Who
           wants their happily ever after?!
                         
          The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar
          room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He
          ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles
          nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. DOCKS - DUSK
                         
          The camera booms down from the lighthouse.
                         
                          BLIND MOUSE #1
           This way gents.
                         
          The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps
          to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have
          gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they
          set off to retrieve Arthur.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23.
                         
                         
                         
          On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans
          over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat.
                         
                          PUSS
           It's out of my hands senorita, the
           winds of fate have blown on my
           destiny. But I will never forget
           you. You are the love of my life.
                         
          Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss.
                         
                          PUSS (CONT'D)
           As are you...
                         
          Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching
          Puss.
                         
                          PUSS (CONT'D)
           And you.
                         
          Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage
          in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs
          away from them and into another.
                         
                          PUSS (CONT'D)
           And, uh... hi. I don't know you,
           but I'd like to. I gotta go.
                         
          Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to
          Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets
          out a soft wail.
                         
                          DONKEY
           I know, I know... I don't want to
           leave you either baby, but you know
           how Shrek is. The dude's lost
           without me.
                         
          She gives him an understanding smile.
                         
                          DONKEY
           But don't worry. I'll send you
           airmail kisses everyday!
                         
          He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his
          children, holding back tears.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Alright, be strong babies! Be
           strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you
           listen to Mama, alright? And
           Bananas, no more roastin'
           marshmallows on your sister's head.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24.
                         
                         
                         
          Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Ah, that's my special boy. Oh,
           come over here, all of you. Give
           your Daddy a big hug!
                         
          The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy.
                         
          The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey
          and the others.
                         
          Fiona nervously takes in a breath.
                         
                          FIONA
           Shrek, maybe you should just stay
           and be King.
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could
           ever run a kingdom. That's why your
           cousin Arthur's the perfect choice.
                         
                          FIONA
           It's not that. No. It's, you
           see...
                         
                          SHREK (CONT'D)
           And if he gives me any trouble,
           I've always got persuasion and
           reason.
           (holds up his right fist)
           Here's persuasion,
           (holds up his left fist)
           and here's reason.
                         
          Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her.
                         
                          SHREK
           Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you
           and me and our swamp.
                         
                          FIONA
                          (HESITANT)
           It's not going to be just you and
           me.
                         
          The ship's fog horn sounds.
                         
                          SHIP CAPTAIN
           All aboard!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25.
                         
                         
                         
                          SHREK
           It will be. I promise. I love
           you.
                         
          He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat.
                         
          He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II
                         
          The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You
          Daddy" with smoke in the sky.
                         
                          FAIRYTALE CREATURES
           Awwwwwwwww!
                         
                          PIG #1
           That's lovely.
                         
          Donkey waves to his kids, sobs.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Bye bye babies!
                         
          Fiona runs after the boat.
                         
                          FIONA
           Shrek!
                         
          Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her.
                         
                          SHREK
           Yeah?
                         
                          FIONA
           Wait!
                         
                          SHREK
           What is it?
                         
          She smiles and takes a deep breath.
                         
                          FIONA
           I'm, I'm-
                         
          The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek
          smiles back at her.
                         
                          SHREK
                          (LAUGHS)
           I love you too honey!
                         
                          FIONA
           No... No, I said I'm pr-
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26.
                         
                         
                         
          The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn
          and throws it overboard.
                         
                          SHREK
           You're what?!
                         
                          FIONA
           I said I'm pregnant!
                         
          The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer.
                         
                          SHREK
           (doesn't want to believe
                          HIS EARS)
           Uh... what was that?
                         
                          FIONA
           You're going to be a father!
                         
                          SHREK
                          (NERVOUS LAUGH)
           That's great.
                         
                          FIONA
           Really? I'm glad you think so! I
           love you.
                         
          Shrek smiles back at Fiona.
                         
                          SHREK
           Yeah...
                          (NERVOUS LAUGH)
           Me too... you...
                         
          Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder.
                         
          Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.
                         
                          DONKEY
           I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna
           be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an
           Uncle!
                         
                          PUSS
           Oh, and you my friend are royally--
                         
          The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the
          fog.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27.
                         
                         
                         
                         
          EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT
                         
          The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep
          as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself.
                         
          Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door.
                         
                          SHREK
           Ahhh. Home.
                         
          He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right
          outside of Shrek's swamp house.
                         
          He leaps off the boat.
                         
                          SHREK
           Woohoo!
                         
                         
          EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air.
                         
                          SHREK
           Ahh.
                         
          He skips and dances happily toward his house.
                         
           FIONA (O.S.)
           Shrek!?
                         
                          SHREK
           Ooo.
                          (LAUGHS)
                         
                         
          INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed,
          presenting himself.
                         
                          SHREK
           Fiona!
                         
          After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that
          Fiona is not there.
                         
                          SHREK
           Fiona?
                         
          He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed
          behind him.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28.
                         
                         
          A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns
          slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket.
          Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling
          innocently at him.
                         
                          SHREK
           Huh? Oh no.
                         
          The baby burps.
                         
                          SHREK
                          (AMUSED)
           Better out than in, I always say.
           Ha ha!
                         
                          OGRE BABY
           Hiccup!
                         
          This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed
          directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the
          vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but
          eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek.
          The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his
          hands.
                         
                          SHREK
           No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha.
           It's okay. It's gonna be alright.
                         
          Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds
          it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes
          that his house is filled with babies.
                         
                          OGRE BABY
           Da-Da!
                         
          Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off
          his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies
          onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls,
          and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the
          tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him.
          Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One
          of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs
          over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a
          baby out of the cauldron.
                         
                          SHREK
           Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya?
           No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No.
                         
          Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf.
          Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs
          through the room picking up babies.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29.
                         
                         
                         
                         
          INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides
          open the curtain to his bedroom.
                         
                          SHREK
           Huh?
                         
          He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The
          baby shrugs.
                         
                          OGRE BABY
           Bubabatoo?
                         
          Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around.
          Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace.
          First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow.
          Hundreds of them start piling in.
                         
          Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he
          runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He
          keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind.
                         
                         
          INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it
          shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet.
          He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his
          high school.
                         
          Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The
          audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera
          pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS
                         
          Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose
          himself.
                         
                          SHREK
           Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake-
           up!
                         
          Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre
          faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in,
          Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30.
                         
                         
                         
                          DONKEY
           (with ogre baby head)
           Da-da!
                         
          A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and
          Puss wake up.
                         
                          SHREK
           Ahhhh!
                         
          He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Shrek. Shrek, are you okay?
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh... I can't believe I'm going to
           be a father.
                         
          Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to
          the ship's railing.
                         
                          SHREK
           How did this happen?
                         
                          PUSS
           Allow me to explain. You see, when
           a man has certain feelings for a
           woman, a powerful urge sweeps over
           him...
                         
                          SHREK
           I know how it happened. I just
           can't believe it.
                         
          Shrek walks away.
                         
          Donkey leans over to Puss.
                         
                          DONKEY
           How does it happen?
                         
          Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
          Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the
          distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend.
                         
                          DONKEY
                          (SINGING)
           And the cat's in the cradle and the
           silver spoon,
                          (MORE)
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31.
                          DONKEY (CONT'D)
           Little boy blue and the man in the
           moon.
                         
          Shrek rolls his eyes.
                         
                          DONKEY (CONT'D)
           "When you coming home, son?" "I
           don't know when,
           But we'll get together then, Dad-"
                         
          Shrek cuts Donkey off.
                         
                          SHREK
           Donkey, can you just cut to the
           part where you're supposed to make
           me feel better?
                         
          Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing
          and whispers into Shrek's other ear.
                         
                          PUSS
           You know I love Fiona, Boss.
           Right?
                          (CONFIDENTIALLY)
           But what I'm talking about here is
           you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice-
           cold pitcher of mojitos, and two
           weeks of nothing but fishing.
                         
          Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an
          imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to
          whisper in Shrek's other ear.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Man, don't you listen to him.
           Having a baby is not going to ruin
           your life.
                         
                          SHREK
           It's not my life I'm worried about
           ruining. It's the kid's.
                         
          Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants.
                         
                          SHREK
           I mean...when have you ever heard
           the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre"
           or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or
           how `bout..."you're gonna' love my
           dad...he's a real ogre."
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32.
                         
                         
                         
                          DONKEY
           Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said
           it was going to be easy. But at
           least you got us to help you out.
                         
                          SHREK
           That's true.
                         
          He thinks for a moment.
                         
                          SHREK
           I'm doomed.
                         
                          DONKEY
           You'll be fine.
                         
                          SHIP CAPTAIN
           You're finished.
                         
          Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat.
                         
                          SHIP CAPTAIN
           Uh, with your journey.
                         
          He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a
          nearby bluff.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY
                         
          Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.
                         
          Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that
           sounds fancy.
                         
                          SHREK
           It's Worcestershire.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's
           spicy!
                         
          The drawbridge to the castle lowers.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Oohh! They must be expecting us.
                         
          They start over the drawbridge.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33.
                         
                         
                         
          A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump
          out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids
          on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek.
                         
                          DONKEY
           What in the shista-shire kind of
           place is this?
                         
          Shrek suddenly looks concerned.
                         
                          SHREK
           Well, my stomach aches and my palms
           just got sweaty. Must be a high
           school.
                         
                          DONKEY
           High school?!
                         
                         
          EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
                         
          A group of cheerleaders practice.
                         
                          CHEERLEADERS
           Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou
           headed, to the top? Yeah we think
           so, we think so! And dost thou
           thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay
           we thinks not! We thinks not!
                         
          Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as
          he walks through the courtyard.
                         
                          FEMALE STUDENT #1
           Ahhhhh!
                         
          The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where
          a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked.
          A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution -
          Student Driver."
                         
           DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR
           All right Mr. Percival, just ease
           up on the reigns-
                         
          The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen.
                         
          Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage.
                         
                          VAN STUDENT
           (cough, cough)
           For lo bro, don't burn all my
           frankincense and myrrh.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34.
                         
                         
                         
                          DONKEY
           I'm already starting to feel
           nauseous from memories of wedgies
           and swirlies!
                         
                          PUSS
           But how did you receive the wedgies
           when you are clearly not the wearer
           of the underpants?
                         
                          DONKEY
           Let's just say some things are
           better left unsaid and leave it at
           that.
                         
          He notices two female students discussing their love lives.
                         
                          GUINEVERRE
           So then I was all like "I'd rather
           get the black plague and lock
           myself in an iron maiden than go
           out with you."
                         
                          TIFFANY
           Eh, totally.
                         
          Shrek approaches them.
                         
                          SHREK
           Pardon me...
                         
          They flee in terror.
                         
                          GUINEVERRE
           Eh! Totally ew-th!
                         
                          TIFFANY
           Yeah, totally!
                         
          A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board
          game.
                         
                          GARY
           Yes! I just altered my character
           level to plus three superbability.
                         
                          SHREK
           Hi, we're looking for someone named-
                         
                          GARY
           Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork"
           spell and summoned the beast and
           his quadrupeds.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35.
                         
                         
                         
                          XAVIER
           Ha! Ha!
                          (SNORT)
           Ah!
                         
          The students panics when his nose starts to bleed.
                         
                          SHREK
           I know you're busy "not fitting in"
           but can either of you tell me where
           I can find Arthur?
                         
          While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points
          towards the athletic field.
                         
                          GARY
           He's over there.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed.
          He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge.
                         
          Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the
          charge. It's an exciting back and forth.
                         
          Hooves pound on sand.
                         
          The Knight's eyes steady.
                         
          The horse rears majestically.
                         
          The opponent's eyes widen in fear.
                         
          The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and
          lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey.
                         
          Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his
          helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys
          his victory.
                         
                          KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
           Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste
           on thy tongue than victory!
                         
                          JOCKS
           Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
                         
          Shrek turns to Puss.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36.
                         
                         
                         
                          SHREK
           Strong, handsome, face of a leader.
           Does Arthur look like a King or
           what?
                         
          Shrek steps forward.
                         
                          TEENAGER (ARTIE)
           Ow.
                         
          Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of
          LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back.
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh. Sorry.
                         
          The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out
          where he hit the ground.
                         
                          TEENAGER (ARTIE)
           Did you just say you were looking
           for Arthur?
                         
          Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around.
                         
                          PUSS
           That information is on a need to
           know basis.
                         
                          DONKEY
           It's top secret, huexcrementsy hush.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA
                         
          The Knight commands his troops.
                         
                          KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
           Now gentlemen let's away... to the
           showers!
                         
                          JOCKS
           Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo!
                         
          Shrek approaches the Knight.
                         
          The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse
          gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37.
                         
                         
                         
                          SHREK (CONT'D)
           Greetings your majesty. This is
           your lucky day.
                         
                          KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
           So what for like are you supposed
           to be? Some kind of giant mutant
           leprechaun or something?
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant
           leprechaun... You made a funny.
                         
          Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder,
          ogre-style.
                         
                          KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
           Unhand me, monster!
                         
                          SHREK
           Stop squirming, Arthur.
                         
                          KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
           I'm not Arthur!
                         
          Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot
          tries to regain his dignity.
                         
                          LANCELOT
           I am Lancelot.
                         
          Lancelot points across the school yard.
                         
                          LANCELOT
           That dork over there is Arthur!
                         
          He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the
          school yard.
                         
                          SHREK
           Hey!
                         
          Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking.
                         
          Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground.
                         
                          LANCELOT
           Aaah.
                         
          Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch
          up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38.
                         
                         
                         
                          GUINEVERRE
           Ahem! This is like totally
           embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany
           thinkest thou vex her so soothly...
                         
          The other girls giggle.
                         
                          GUINEVERRE
           And she thought perchance thou
           would wanna ask her to the
           Homecoming Dance or something...
                         
                          SHREK
           Uh, excuse me?
                         
                          GUINEVERRE
           It's like whatever. She's just
           totally into college guys and
           mythical creatures and stuff.
                         
          She pops her gum.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. HALLWAY - LATER
                         
          Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh Arthur! Come out, come out
           wherever you are...
                         
          Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and
          Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been
          stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Yeah, you better run, you little
           punk no good-niks, `cause the days
           of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers"
           are over!
                         
          An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt.
                         
          Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a
          HALL MONITOR who stops them.
                         
                          HALL MONITOR
                         
           Hold it...
                         
          Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39.
                         
                         
                         
                          COSTUME STUDENT 1
           We're here for the Mascot Contest.
                         
                          COSTUME STUDENT 2
           Grrrrr!
                         
          The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.
                         
                          SHREK
           (pleased with himself)
           We're here for the Mascot Contest
           too.
                         
          The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching
          and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain.
                         
                          HALL MONITOR
                          (SUSPICIOUS)
           This is a costume?
                         
                          SHREK
                          (RECOVERING)
           Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night
           long!
                         
          The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek
          struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still
          suspicious.
                         
                          HALL MONITOR
           Looks pretty real to me.
                         
                          PUSS
           If it were real could I do this?
                         
          Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then
          Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Or this?
                         
          Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs.
          Shrek winces and sweats.
                         
                          SHREK
                          (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED)
           He's right! If it were real that
           would have been agonizingly
           painful!
                         
                          DONKEY
           Now watch this....
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40.
                         
                         
                         
                          SHREK
                          (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH
                          GRITTED TEETH)
           That's quite enough boys.
                         
                         
          INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire
          student body. He speaks through a megaphone.
                         
                          PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
           Thank you to Professor Primbottom
           for his invigorating lecture on how
           to just say "nay".
                         
          Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed
          up like a dragon and the other as a griffin.
                         
                          PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
           And now, without further ado, let's
           give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah
           to the winner of our "New Mascot"
           contest... the--
                         
          Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym.
                         
           PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D)
           --ogre?
                         
          The students gasp as Shrek marches forward.
                         
                          SHREK
           That's right. I'm the new mascot.
           So let's really try and beat the
           other guys... at whatever it is
           they're doing.
                         
          The band plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star."
                         
                          PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
           This is indeed all a bit
           unorthodox.
                         
          Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's
          megaphone.
                         
                          SHREK
           Now, where can I find Arthur
           Pendragon?
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41.
                         
                         
                         
          The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie
          hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up
          and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh.
                         
          In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort.
                         
                          LANCELOT
           Classic.
                         
          Donkey turns to Lancelot.
                         
                          DONKEY
           You should be ashamed of yourself.
                         
                          LANCELOT
           I didn't do it. They did.
                         
          Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves
          with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again.
                         
          Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Please don't eat me.
                         
                          STUDENTS
                          (CHANTING)
           Eat him! Eat him!
                         
          Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement.
                         
                          PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
           Eat him!
          Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop.
                         
                          SHREK
           I'm not here to eat him.
                         
                          STUDENTS
           AWWW.
                         
                          SHREK
           It's time to pack up your
           toothbrush and jammies. You're the
           new King of Far Far Away.
                         
                          ARTIE
           What?
                         
          The students react with surprise and disbelief.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42.
                         
                         
                         
                          LANCELOT
           Artie a King? More like the Mayor
           of Loserville.
                         
                          BOHORT
           Nice one Lance!
                         
          They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha.
                         
                          LANCELOT
           Burn.
                         
          Everyone laughs.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Is this for real?
                         
                          SHREK
           Absolutely. Now clean out your
           locker, kid. You've got a kingdom
           to run.
                         
                          ARTIE
           So wait, I'm really the only heir?
                         
          Shrek pauses for just a moment, then...
                         
                          SHREK
           The one and only.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Give me just a second.
                         
          Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt
          speech.
                         
                          ARTIE
           My good people, I think there's a
           lesson here for all of us. Maybe
           the next time you're about to dunk
           a kid's head in a chamber pot,
           you'll stop and think, hey, maybe
           this guy has feelings. Maybe I
           should cut him some slack. Because
           maybe, just maybe... this guy's
           gonna turn out to be, uh...I
           dunno...a King! And maybe his
           first royal decree will be to
           banish everyone who ever picked on
           him -- that's right, I'm looking at
           you, jousting team.
                         
          Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43.
                         
                         
                         
                          ARTIE
           And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always
           loved you.
                         
                          GUINEVERRE
           Ew.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Well good friends, it breaks my
           heart, but, enjoy your stay here in
           prison while I rule the free world
           baby!
                         
                          SHREK
           Alright, let's not overdo it.
                         
                          ARTIE
           I'm building my city people! On
           Rock and Roll!
                         
                          SHREK
           You just overdid it.
                         
          Shrek shoves the kid through the door.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Ow!
                         
          Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. LIBRARY - DAY
                         
          All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for
          Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a
          flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at
          her.
                         
                          PRINCESSES
                          (GASP)
           Oh!
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Look at you!
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
           Wow!
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           You look darling!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44.
                         
                         
                         
                          SLEEPING BEAUTY
           Just precious! Look at her!
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
           So, have you had any cravings since
           you've been pregnant?
                         
          Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with
          cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on.
                         
                          FIONA
                          (MOUTH FULL)
           No, no, not at all.
                         
          She takes another bite.
                         
                          FIONA
           Do you smell ham?
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
                          (SINGING)
           Oooh! It's present time!
                         
          The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They
          chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed.
                         
                          CINDERELLA
           Oh, Fiona, won't you please open
           mine first? It's the one in front.
                         
          Fiona reads the card.
                         
                          FIONA
                          (READING)
           "Congratulations on your new mess
           maker..." Oh, `mess maker.'
                          (LAUGHS)
           "Hopefully this helps. Love,
           Cinderella."
                         
          Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper-
          scooper.
                         
                          PRINCESSES
           Oooo! Aaaah!
                         
                          DORIS
           Will you look at that!
                         
                          SLEEPING BEAUTY
           What is it?
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45.
                         
                         
                         
                          CINDERELLA
           It's for the poopies.
                         
                          SLEEPING BEAUTY
           Eww. Wait, babies poop?
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
           Everyone poops Beauty.
                         
          The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited.
                         
                          PIG #2
           Fiona...
                         
                          PIG #1
           Fiona! We all chipped in for a
           little present too.
                         
                          PIGS
           Yah!
                         
          Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with
          Gingerbread Man inside.
                         
           GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO
           Ta dah!
                         
                          PRINCESSES
           Oooh.
                         
                          GINGERBREAD MAN
           You know the baby's gonna love it
           because I do!
                         
                          FIONA
           Oh, you guys, that's so sweet.
           Thank you.
                         
          Fiona turns to another present.
                         
                          FIONA
           Who's this one from?
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           I got you the biggest one because I
           love you the most.
                         
          The other girls scowl at her.
                         
                          FIONA
           (reading the card)
           "Have one on me, love Snow White"
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46.
                         
                         
                         
          Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf.
                         
                          FIONA
                          (CONFUSED)
           Umm... what is it?
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby-
           sitter.
                         
                          NANNY DWARF
           Where's the baby?
                         
                          FIONA
           You're too kind, Snow, but I can't
           accept this.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Think nothing of it. I've got six
           more at home.
                         
                          FIONA
           What does he do?
                         
                          CINDERELLA
           The cleaning.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           The feeding.
                         
                          NANNY DWARF
           The burping.
                         
                          FIONA
           So what are Shrek and I supposed to
           do?
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
           Well, now you'll have plenty of
           time to work on your marriage.
                         
                          FIONA
           Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's
           that supposed to mean?
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
           Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know
           what happens.
                         
          Cinderella prods beauty.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47.
                         
                         
                         
                          SLEEPING BEAUTY
                          (WAKING)
           Huh? You're tired all the time...
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           You'll start letting yourself go...
                         
                          GINGERBREAD MAN
           Stretch marks!
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
           Say goodbye to romance.
                         
          Dragon puts her head through the window.
                         
                          DRAGON
           Yort.
                         
                          FIONA
           Um sorry... but how many of you
           have kids?
                         
          Doris wedges herself in on the couch.
                         
                          DORIS
           She's right. A baby is only gonna
           strengthen the love that Shrek and
           Fiona have. How did Shrek react
           when you told him? Tell me!
                         
          Fiona smiles.
                         
                          FIONA
           Well, when he first found
           out...Shrek said-
                         
                          DRAGON
           Roarrr!
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
                         
          The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying
          broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of
          the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle
          with one of the witches.
                         
           PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
                          (LAUGHING)
           Onward my new friends.
                          (MORE)
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48.
           PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
           To our happily ever afters! Ha ha
           ha ha ha!
                         
          A bug flies into his mouth.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh!
                         
          Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Now, bombs away!
                         
          From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches
          swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks.
                         
          The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their
          branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as
          parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards
          Rodeo Drive.
                         
                         
          EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People
          are diving out of her way.
                         
          The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in
          terror.
                         
                          EVIL TREES
           Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
                         
          A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal
          Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback.
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           Well, well, well. If it isn't
           Peter Pan.
                         
                          MOTHER
           His name's not Peter!
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           Shut it, Wendy!
                         
                          MOTHER
           Ahhh!
                         
          Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop.
          They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into
          "Ye Olde HOOTERS."
                         
          The excited patrons race back in.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49.
                         
                         
                         
          An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then
          takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee.
                         
          Another Villain throws a cart through a store window.
          Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the
          envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs.
                         
                          CYCLOPS
           Ha, ha, ha, ha!
                         
          The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick
          flying down Rodeo Drive.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Enough pillaging! To the castle!
                         
          Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains
          up to the castle.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one
          of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her.
                         
          Fiona runs to the window.
                         
          The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She
          struggles.
                         
                          DRAGON
           Roarrrr!
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door.
                         
          The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other
          furniture in front of the door.
                         
          The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace
          themselves against the furniture.
                         
                          GINGERBREAD MAN
                          (TO FIONA)
           You go and take care of the baby!
                         
          The Princesses panic.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50.
                         
                         
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Everybody stay calm. We're all
           going to die!
                         
          Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
                          (WHIMPER)
                         
          Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side,
          revealing an underground passageway.
                         
                          FIONA
           Everyone in! Now.
                         
                         
                         
          INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Prince Charming commands the Villains.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           C'mon. Put some back into it
           people!
                         
          The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops
          rides the tree like a mechanical bull.
                         
                          CYCLOPS
           Yee-haw! Ow.
                         
                         
          INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          BOOM! The door is starting to give way.
                         
                          FIONA
           We don't have time. Now go!
                         
                          QUEEN
           Quickly ladies!
                         
          The Princesses go down the stairs.
                         
                          GINGERBREAD MAN
           We'll hold them off as long as we
           can!
                         
          BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open.
          Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots
          the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51.
                         
                         
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Where are Shrek and Fiona?
                         
                          GINGERBREAD MAN
           Name doesn't ring a bell.
                         
                          PIG #1
           Yah!
                         
                          PIG #2
           No bell!
                         
          The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           I suggest you freaks cooperate with
           the new King of Far Far Away.
                         
                          GINGERBREAD MAN
           The only thing you're ever gonna be
           King of is "King of the Stupids."
                         
          Prince Charming snaps his fingers.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Hook!
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           Right!
                         
          Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man.
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           Avast, ye cookie!
                         
          He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin.
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           Start talkin'!
                         
          Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out.
                         
          A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes.
                         
                         
          INT. BAKERY - DAY
                         
          A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He
          puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born.
                         
                          MUFFIN MAN
           Gingy!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52.
                         
                         
                         
                          GINGERBREAD MAN
           Papa!
                         
                         
          INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY
                         
          Gingerbread Man is attending school.
                         
                          TEACHER
           Settle down, now.
                         
          Gingerbread Man graduates.
                         
                         
          EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY
                         
          Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down.
                         
                         
          INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
                         
          Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie.
                         
                         
          EXT. CHURCH - DAY
                         
          Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and
          wife.
                         
                         
          INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY
                         
          Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his
          legs.
                         
                         
          INT. GYM - DAY
                         
          Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his
          rehabilitation.
                         
                         
          EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY
                         
          Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field.
                         
           CUT BACK TO:
                         
                         
          INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53.
                         
                         
                         
                          GINGERBREAD MAN
                          (SINGING)
           "On the Good Ship Lollypop,
           It's a sweet trip,
           To the candy shop,
           Where the Bon Bons play,
           On the sunny beach of Peppermint
           Bay.."
                         
          Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head
          towards him.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           You! You can't lie. So tell me
           puppet... Where is Shrek?!
                         
          Pinocchio thinks.
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
                          (NERVOUS)
           Well, I don't know where he's not.
                         
          Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           You're telling me you don't know
           where Shrek is?
                         
          Pinocchio is still a little nervous.
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
           It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume
           that I couldn't exactly not say
           that is or isn't almost partially
           incorrect.
                         
          Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           So you do know where he is!
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
           On the contrary, I'm possibly more
           or less, not definitely rejecting
           the idea, that in no way, with any
           amount of uncertainty that...
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Stop it.
                         
                          PINOCCHIO (CONT'D)
           ...I undeniably do or do not know
           where he shouldn't probably be.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54.
                         
                         
                         
          Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs
          are frustrated.
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
           If that indeed wasn't where he
           isn't. Even if he wasn't not where
           I knew he was could mean that I
           wouldn't completely not know where
           he wasn't.
                         
          Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song."
                         
                          PIG #1
           Oh, enough! Shrek went off to
           bring back the next heir! Oh!
                         
          The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his
          mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           He's bringing back the next heir?
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
           No!
                         
          Pinocchio's nose grows.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Hook! Get rid of this new "King."
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           Right!
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           But bring Shrek to me. I have
           something special in mind for him.
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
           He'll never fall for your tricks!
                         
          Pinocchio's nose grows again.
                         
                          WOLF
           Oh boy.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK
                         
          The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he
          watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55.
                         
                         
                         
                          ARTIE
           I can't believe it... me a King?
           I...I mean I knew I came from
           royalty and all, but I just figured
           everyone forgot about me.
                         
          He looks out to sea, disbelieving.
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh no, in fact, the King asked for
           you personally.
                         
          Artie smiles.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not
           all gonna be fun and games.
                         
                          SHREK
           It really is all fun and games,
           actually. Sure, you have to knight
           a few heroes, launch a ship or two.
           By the way, make sure you hit the
           boat just right with the bottle.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Boat with the bottle? Any idiot
           can hit a boat with a bottle.
                         
          Shrek chuckles sheepishly.
                         
                          SHREK
           Well, I've heard it's harder than
           it looks.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Whoa!! This is gonna be huge.
           Parties, princesses, castles...
           princesses.
                         
                          DONKEY
           It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll
           be living in the lap of luxury.
           They got the finest chefs around
           waiting for you to place your
           order.
                         
          Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie.
                         
                          PUSS
           And fortunately you'll have the
           royal food tasters.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56.
                         
                         
                         
                          ARTIE
                          (INTRIGUED))
           Oh yeah? What do they do?
                         
                          PUSS
           They taste the food before the King
           eats, to make sure it's not
           poisoned.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Poisoned?
                         
          Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in.
                         
                          SHREK
           Or too salty!
                         
          Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up.
                         
                          DONKEY
                          (TO ARTIE)
           Don't worry about it. You'll be
           safe and sound with the help of
           your body guards.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Body guards?
                         
                          PUSS
           All of them, willing at a moment's
           notice to lay down their own lives
           out of devotion to you.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Really?
                         
                          PUSS
           Si, and the whole kingdom will look
           to you for wisdom and guidance.
                         
          Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Just make sure they don't die of
           famine.
                         
                          PUSS
           Or plague.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Oh, plague is bad.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57.
                         
                         
                         
                          PUSS
           The coughing, the groaning, the
           festering sores.
                         
          Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh.
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are
           one funny kitty cat.
                         
                          PUSS
           What did I say?
                         
                          SHREK
           We don't want Artie here getting
           the wrong idea.
                         
          Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around.
                         
                          SHREK (CONT'D)
           Uh, Artie?
                         
          The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces
          himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away.
                         
                          ALL
           Whoa!
                         
          Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the
          direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin
          and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain
          slides by.
                         
                          SHIP CAPTAIN
           Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip.
                         
                          SHREK
           Artie!
                         
          Shrek turns the wheel the other way.
                         
                          SHREK (CONT'D)
           What are you doing?!
                         
          The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away.
          Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat.
                         
          A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it.
                         
                          ARTIE
           What does it look like?!
                         
          He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58.
                         
                         
                         
          He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises
          up and grabs the wheel and turns it.
                         
                          SHREK
           This really isn't up to you!
                         
          Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the
          wheel back the other way.
                         
                          ARTIE
           But I don't know anything about
           being King!
                         
                          SHREK
           You'll learn on the job!
                         
          Donkey and Puss roll across the deck.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Whoaaa!
                         
          Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the
          wheel. They wrestle for control.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm
           going back!
                         
                          SHREK
           Back to what? Being a loser?!
                         
          As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone
          too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to
          yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the
          decking.
                         
                          SHREK (CONT'D)
           Now look what you did!
                         
                          ARTIE
           Look what I did? Who's holding the
           wheel chief?
                         
          Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is
          about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead.
                         
                          DONKEY
                          (SWALLOWING; THEN
                          SHOUTING)
           Shrek!
                         
          Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer
          the ship clear of the rocks.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59.
                         
                         
                         
          The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat
          crash into the rocks.
                         
           SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.)
           Land ho!
                         
                         
          EXT. BEACH - DUSK
                         
          Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach.
          He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek
          drops Puss and Donkey.
                         
          Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur
          puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame.
                         
                          PUSS
           How humiliating...
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh, nice going, Your Highness.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Oh, so now it's "Your highness?"
           What happened to "loser?" Huh?
                         
                          SHREK
           Hey, if you think this is getting
           you out of anything, well it isn't.
           We're heading back to Far Far Away
           one way or another, and you're
           gonna be a father!
                         
          Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek
          uncomfortably.
                         
                          ARTIE
           What?
                         
                          DONKEY
           (clearing his throat)
           A-hem. You just said father...
                         
                          SHREK
           You're... I said king. You're
           gonna be King!
                         
                          ARTIE
                          (IMITATING SHREK)
           "You're gonna be King!" Yeah
           right.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60.
                         
                         
                         
          Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a
          path into the woods.
                         
                          SHREK
           Where do you think you're going?
                         
                          ARTIE
           Far Far Away... from you!
                         
                          SHREK
           You get back here young man and I
           mean it!
                         
          Artie keeps climbing.
                         
                          PUSS
           Uh boss, I don't think he's coming
           back and maybe it's for the best.
           He is not exactly king material.
                         
          Shrek looks towards Artie.
                         
                          DONKEY
           When were you planning on telling
           him that you were really supposed
           to be King?
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh c'mon, now why would I do that?
           Besides, he'll be ten times better
           at it than me.
                         
          Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then
           you're gonna have to change your
           tactics if you want to get anywhere
           with this kid.
                         
          Beat.
                         
                          SHREK
           You're right, Donkey.
                         
          Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood.
                         
                          SHREK
           What about this?
                         
          Donkey shakes his head in disgust.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61.
                         
                         
                         
                          DONKEY
           Shrek!
                         
          Shrek tosses the log.
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh c'mon. It's just a joke.
                          (LAUGHS)
           Still...
                         
          Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie.
                         
                         
          EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Artie marches up the mountain trail.
                         
          Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic
          with the kid. He catches up to Artie.
                         
                          SHREK
           Listen Artie...
                         
          Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just
          keeps going.
                         
                          SHREK (CONT'D)
           If you think this whole mad scene
           ain't dope, I feel you dude. I
           mean, I'm not trying to get up in
           your grill or raise your roof or
           whatever, but what I am screaming
           is, yo, check out this kazing
           thazing bazaby.
                         
          Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a
          cottage in the distance and heads toward it.
                         
                          SHREK
           I mean, if it doesn't groove or
           what I'm saying ain't straight
           trippin', just say, oh no you
           didn't, you know, you're gettin' on
           my last nerve. And then I'll know
           it's... then I'll know it's whack--
                         
          Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch,
          striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62.
                         
                         
                         
                         
          EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS
                         
          A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small
          shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the
          door.
                         
                          ARTIE
           SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED
           BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO
           ME!
                         
                          SHREK
           Artie! Wait!
                         
                         
          Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp.
                         
                          ARTIE
           C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help!
           Hello?
                         
          Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that
          is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old
          wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified.
                         
                          DONKEY
           AHHHH!
                         
           WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
           Greetings cosmic children of the
           universe, and welcome to my
           serenity circle!
                         
          Shrek watches.
                         
           WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
           Please leave any bad vibes outside
           the healing vortex. And now
           prepare ...
                         
          With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears.
                         
          The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out.
                         
                          MERLIN
           I knew I should of gotten that
           warranty!
                         
          Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and
          is promptly zapped in the head.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63.
                         
                         
                         
                          MERLIN
           AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Mr. Merlin?
                         
                          SHREK
           You know this guy?
                         
                          ARTIE
           Yeah. He was the school's magic
           teacher until he had his nervous
           breakdown.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Uh, technically I was merely a
           victim of a level three fatigue,
           and at the request of my therapist
           and the school authorities, I have
           retired to the tranquility of
           nature to discover my divine
           purpose.
                         
          Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head.
                         
          Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment.
                         
                         
                         
                          MERLIN
           Now, can I interest anyone in a
           snack or beverage?
                         
                          SHREK
           Uh, no.
                         
          Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Sure you don't wanna try my famous
           rock au-gratin?
                         
          Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding
          from eating rocks.
                         
                          MERLIN
           It's organic!
                         
          They both stare at him uncomfortably.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64.
                         
                         
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on
           the way in. What we need are
           directions back to Far Far Away.
                         
                          ARTIE
           What's with the "we"? Who said I
           was going with you?
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of
           people counting on you so don't try
           and weasel out of it.
                         
                          ARTIE
           If it's such a great job, why don't
           you do it?
                         
                          SHREK
           Understand this kid, it's no more
           Mr. Nice Guy from here on out!
                         
                          ARTIE
           Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice
           Guy?"
                         
                          SHREK
           I know, and I'm gonna miss him.
                         
                          ARTIE
           You know what? Why don't you go
           terrorize a village and leave me
           alone?
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh, is that some kind of crack
           about ogres? You get your royal
           highness to Far Far Away before I
           kick it there.
                          (TO MERLIN)
           Now which way am I kicking?
                         
                          MERLIN
           Oh, I could tell you. But since
           you're in the midst of self-
           destructive rage spiral it would be
           karmic-ly irresponsible.
                         
                          SHREK
           Self-destructive ra...
                          (TO MERLIN)
           Look, are you gonna help us or not?
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65.
                         
                         
                         
                          MERLIN
           Most definitely, but only after you
           take the journey to your soul.
                         
                          SHREK
           Yeah, I don't think so.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Look pal, it's either that or some
           primal scream therapy.
           Ahhhhhhhhhh!
                         
          Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it.
                         
                          SHREK
           Alright, alright... journey to the
           soul...
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER
                         
          A fire blazes.
                         
          Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Now all of you, look into the "Fire
           of Truth" and tell me what you see!
           Yah! Ha!
           (Wild war cry)
           Woo-looo-looo-looo!
                         
          He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e.
          Rorschach inkblots).
                         
          Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a
           dutch fudge torte with cinnamon
           swirls.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Okay. Monster, go for it.
                         
          Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare
          begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away.
          He covers his fear and changes the subject.
                         
                          SHREK
           I see a rainbow pony.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66.
                         
                         
                         
                          MERLIN
           Excellent work!
                          (THEN)
           Now! The boy!
                         
                          ARTIE
           This is lame.
                         
          Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Ow!
                         
                          MERLIN
           You're lame! Now just go for it.
                         
          He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Okay. There's a baby bird and a
           father bird sitting in a nest.
                         
          Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to
          change as he stays focused.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it!
                         
                          ARTIE
           Wait, the dad just flew away. Why
           did he leave the little bird all
           alone?
                         
          Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more
          worked up.
                         
                          ARTIE
           It's trying to fly, but it doesn't
           know how to. It.. it's gonna fall!
                         
          Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts
          away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him,
          stunned.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Whew, proper head case you are,
           aren't you? Really messed up.
           Whoa.
                         
          Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67.
                         
                         
                         
                          ARTIE
           Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The
           bird's me. My dad left. So what?
                         
                         
          Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie.
          Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists.
                         
                          SHREK
                          (CLEARS THROAT)
           Look Artie...um-
                         
          Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are
          For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device
          drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the
          shack where Merlin peeks out.
                         
                          MERLIN
           (loud, over the music)
           Just thought I might help set the
           mood! Y'know for your big heart to
           heart chat!
                         
          Everyone stares at him.
                         
          He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's
          quiet again.
                         
                          SHREK
           I know what it's like to not feel
           ready for something.
                         
          Artie looks at him.
                         
                          SHREK
           Even ogres get scared...you know,
           once in a while.
                         
                          ARTIE
           I know you want me to be king, but
           I can't. I'm not cut out for it and
           I never will be, alright?
                         
          Shrek takes this in.
                         
                          ARTIE (CONT'D)
           Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth
           the trouble. He dumped me at that
           school the first chance he got and
           I never heard from him again.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68.
                         
                         
                         
                          SHREK
           My dad wasn't really the fatherly
           type either.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Well, I doubt he was worse than
           mine.
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh yeah? My father was an ogre.
           He tried to eat me.
                         
          Artie looks at Shrek.
                         
                          SHREK
           Now, I guess I should have seen it
           coming. He used to give me a bath
           in barbecue sauce and put me to bed
           with an apple in my mouth.
                         
          Artie chuckles at this.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Okay... I guess that's... pretty
           bad.
                         
          Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire.
                         
                          SHREK
           You know, it may be hard to believe
           what with my obvious charm and good
           looks, but people used to think
           that I was a monster. And for a
           long time, I believed them.
                         
          Artie looks up at Shrek.
                         
                          SHREK (CONT'D)
           But after awhile, you learn to
           ignore the names that people call
           you and you just trust who you are.
                         
          Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment.
                         
                          ARTIE
           You know, you're okay, Shrek.
                         
          He tosses the stick into the fire.
                         
                          ARTIE
           You just need to do a little less
           yelling and use a little more soap.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69.
                         
                         
                         
                          SHREK
           Thanks Artie.
                         
                          ARTIE
           The soap's because you stink.
           Really bad.
                         
                          SHREK
           Yeah. I got that.
                         
          The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the
          fire continues to burn.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by
          darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs
          below the castle.
                         
          They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading
          the way, holding a torch.
                         
                          CINDERELLA
           Oh this place is filthy. I feel
           like a hobo.
                         
          Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           I'm sorry but this just isn't
           working for me.
                         
          Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up.
                         
                          SLEEPING BEAUTY
           Everything's always about you,
           isn't it? It's not like your
           attitude is helping, Snow.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Well maybe it just bothers you that
           I was voted fairest in the land.
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
           You mean in that rigged election?
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Oh, give me a break.
           (gesturing toward hair)
                          (MORE)
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70.
           SNOW WHITE (cont'd)
           "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy
           golden extensions!"
                         
                          QUEEN
           Ladies, let go of your petty
           complaints and let's work together.
                         
          Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look.
                         
          Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other
          Princesses follow.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           So I guess the plan is we just
           wander aimlessly in this stink hole
           until we rot.
                         
                          FIONA
           No, we're gonna get inside and find
           out what Charming's up to.
                         
                          DORIS
           I know he's a jerk and everything,
           but I gotta admit, that Charming
           makes me hotter than July.
                         
                          SLEEPING BEAUTY
           Ew!
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
           Ugh.
                         
          Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for.
                         
                          FIONA
           That's it!
                         
          Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder
          and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard.
                         
                         
          EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
                         
          They peer around a corner and see the construction of an
          outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying
          a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the
          set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower.
                         
          The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by.
                         
          Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the
          Princesses to follow her.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71.
                         
                         
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
           Come on, this way!
                         
                          FIONA
           Rapunzel. Wait!
                         
          Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her
          sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through
          the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the
          arm.
                         
                          FIONA
           Charming, let go of her.
                         
          A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them.
                         
          Prince Charming smiles at Fiona.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           But why would I want to do that?
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
           Grrrr!
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Woof!
                         
          He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long
          kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked.
                         
                          FIONA
           What?
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Say hello ladies, to the new Queen
           of Far Far Away.
                         
          Cinderella claps excitedly.
                         
                          CINDERELLA
           Yaaaaaaaaay!
                         
          The Princesses stare her down.
                         
                          FIONA
           Rapunzel, how could you?
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
           Jealous much?
                         
          Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72.
                         
                         
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Soon you'll be back where you
           started... scrubbing floors or
           locked away in towers; that is, if
           I let you last the week.
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
           But Pooky, you promised you
           wouldn't hurt them!
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy
           will discuss it later. Now forgive
           us, we have a show to put on.
                         
                          FIONA
           Shrek will be back soon Charming,
           and you'll be sorry.
                         
          He stops and flashes a sadistic smile.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Sorry? Don't you realize --once
           Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away
           he's doomed?
                         
          Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them
          apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat.
                         
          The guards march them off.
                         
          Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell.
          Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
                         
          Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head,
          looking around. He realizes it's morning.
                         
          Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly,
          the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off.
                         
          Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find
          everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up
          everyone.
                         
          The trees start to advance toward Shrek.
                         
          The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking
          Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73.
                         
                         
                         
                          ARTIE
           Ow!
                         
          The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally
          wakes up.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Ahhh!
                         
          The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The
          trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano.
                         
          The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns
          away from his keys and faces them.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Look out! They've got a piano!
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           Kill `em all. Except the fat one.
                         
          He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic.
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           King Charming has something special
           in mind for you, ogre.
                         
          Shrek is perplexed.
                         
                          SHREK
           "King Charming?"
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           Attack!
                         
          Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches.
                         
                          PIRATES
           AAAARGH!
                         
          One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground.
                         
          The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the
          side.
                         
          One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie.
                         
                          SHREK
           Artie, Duck!
                         
          Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses
          him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts
          Artie above his head.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74.
                         
                         
          Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to
          the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look.
                         
          A pirate charges Donkey.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Ahhh!
                         
          Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate,
          protecting Donkey.
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           Ha-ha! Argh!
                         
                          PIRATES
           Argh! Argh!
                         
          The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin
          happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and
          rudely elbows Merlin out of the way.
                         
          A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The
          pirate bounces off Shrek's belly.
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           Ready the plank!
                         
          A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift
          "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank.
                         
          Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He
          is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a
          waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the
          lid on him.
                         
          Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains.
          Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss,
          Donkey and Artie up in a net.
                         
          The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie
          starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut
          through the netting.
                         
          The cannon fuse is lit.
                         
          Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the
          chest still stuck to his behind.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Shrek!
                         
                          ARTIE
           Help!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75.
                         
                         
                         
          Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He
          grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest.
          He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and
          catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second,
          Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction.
          The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it
          into pieces.
                         
          Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that
          holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates
          take off running.
                         
          Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes
          his hook in the air.
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           Ya cowards!
                         
                          SHREK
           What has Charming done with Fiona?
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           She's gonna get what's coming to
           her.
                         
          He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an
          Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the
          Villains.
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           Ahhh.
                          (YELLING BACK)
           And there ain't nothing you can do
           to stop him!
                         
          TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to
          him now.
                         
          Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek.
                         
                          PUSS
           We've got to save her!
                         
                          DONKEY
           But she's so far far away!
                         
          Shrek thinks for a moment.
                         
                          SHREK
           Get yourself back to
           Worcestershire, kid.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76.
                         
                         
                         
                          ARTIE
           No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've
           got an idea.
                         
                         
          EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie
          approaches him.
                         
                          MERLIN
                          (CHANTING)
           I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz,
           buzz...
                         
                          ARTIE
           Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to
           get them...I mean, us, back to Far
           Far Away.
                         
          Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his
          eye at Artie.
                         
                          MERLIN
                          (GETTING UP)
           Forget it. I don't have that kind
           of magic in me anymore, kid. How
           about a hug instead? Hmm? That's
           the best kind of magic.
                         
          Artie tries a new approach.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Mr. Merlin please. I know you can
                          DO IT-
                         
                          MERLIN
           I said, forget it!
                         
                          ARTIE
                          BUT-
                         
          Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his
          breath.
                         
                          MERLIN (CONT'D)
           Mumble, grumble, interrupt my
           healing. Mumble, mumble.
                         
          Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts
          to sob. Merlin stops and turns around.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77.
                         
                         
                         
                          MERLIN
           Oh. What, what's with you?
                         
          Artie continues to cry.
                         
                          ARTIE
           It's just so hard. You know? They
           really need to get back `cause
           their kingdom's in trouble `cause
           there's a really bad man and it's
           just so hard...
                         
          Merlin is visibly uncomfortable.
                         
                          MERLIN
           C'mon, take it easy.
                         
          Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable.
                         
                          ARTIE
           No! I don't think you understand!
           There's a mean person doing mean
           things to good people-
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh, have a heart old man!
                         
          Artie grabs him, now desperate.
                         
                          ARTIE
           And they really need your help to
           get them back! So why won't you
           help them?
                         
                          MERLIN
           Oh.
                         
          Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line.
                         
          Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my
           things.
                         
          Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers.
          Shrek is impressed.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Piece of cake.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78.
                         
                         
                         
                          SHREK
           Well, well, well. You want some
           eggs with that ham?
                         
          Shrek smiles.
                         
          Merlin returns holding a spell book.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Now, I am a little rusty, so there
           could be some side effects.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Side effects!?
                         
                          MERLIN
           Don't worry, whatever it is, no
           matter how excruciatingly painful
           it may be, it'll wear off
           eventually... I think.
                         
          Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out
          his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Ah!
                         
                          MERLIN
           Oops.
                         
          Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Are you sure this is a good idea?
                         
                          SHREK
           Look, if Artie trusts him, that's
           good enough for me. Even if his
           robe doesn't quite cover his-
                         
                          MERLIN
           Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy
           zoom zoom. Let's help our friends
           get back, um... soon!
                         
          Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss,
          Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Woah! It worked!
                         
                          CUT TO:
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79.
                         
                         
                         
                         
          EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS
                         
          They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the
          canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the
          foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (moan and groan)
                         
          Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over.
                         
                          DONKEY (CONT'D)
           (in Puss' body)
           Oh man, I haven't been on a trip
           like that since college.
                         
                          SHREK
           Donkey?
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           What? Is there something in my
           teeth?
                         
          Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of
          Puss' body.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Huh? What the?
                          (GASP)
           Oh no!
                         
          Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at
          Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           I've been abracadabra'd into a
           fancy feasting second rate
           sidekick.
                         
          Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in
          Puss' body).
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           At least you don't look like some
           kind of bloated roadside pi�ata.
           You really should think about going
           on a diet!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80.
                         
                         
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Yeah, and you should think about
           getting yourself a pair of pants!
           I feel all exposed and nasty.
                         
          Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted
          to their faces. They burst out laughing.
                         
          Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Oh, so you two think this is funny?
                         
          Puss is fuming.
                         
          Shrek and Artie regain their composure.
                         
                          ARTIE
                          (SNICKERS)
           I'm really sorry guys.
                         
                          SHREK
           Don't be! You got us back kid.
                         
          Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of
          them. He turns back to Artie.
                         
          Artie smiles.
                         
          Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the
           Hans Christian Andersen am I
           supposed to parade around in these
           goofy boots?
                         
                          PUSS
           Be very careful with those - HEE
           HAW!
                         
          Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover.
                         
                          PUSS
           They were made in Madrid by the
           finest- HEE HAW!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81.
                         
                         
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Oh, you'll learn to control that.
                         
           TIME CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON
                         
          Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome
          sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads
          "Go Go Away."
                         
          Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new
          feet hurt in their tiny boots.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Seriously man, you need some
           comfort inserts or arch supports or
           something.
           (noticing Rodeo Drive)
           Woah!
                         
          Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti
          everywhere.
                         
          Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down
          Rodeo Drive.
                         
                          EVIL WITCHES
           Woohoo!!
                         
          The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken
          Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the
          street.
                         
          Shrek is shocked by what he sees.
                         
          A crash is heard off-screen.
                         
                          EVIL DWARF #1
           Hey... watch it I'm walking here...
           and I'm gonna keep going...
                         
          A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding
          Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf.
                         
          A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with
          Pinocchio dancing in it.
                         
                          SHREK
           Pinocchio?
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82.
                         
                         
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
           Shrek!
                         
          Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down
          on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass.
                         
                          SHREK
           Pinocchio!
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
           Help me!
                         
                          SHREK
           What's happened?
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
           Charming and the Villains have
           taken over everything! They
           attacked us but Fiona and the
           Princesses got away. And now she's-
                          -
                         
          The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain
          goes down.
                         
                          SHREK
           She's what?! She's what!?
                         
          Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it
          costs per show.
                         
                          SHREK
           (turns to Puss in Donkey's
                          BODY)
           Puss, loan me five bucks!
                         
                          DONKEY
           C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help
           a brother out.
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           Do you see any pockets on me?
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Hold on a second.
                         
          Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and
          a bag of money falls onto the ground.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83.
                         
                         
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Aha!
                         
          Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek.
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           I had no idea ...really ...I swear.
                         
          Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music
          starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances.
                         
                          SHREK
           Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona?
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
           Charming's got her locked away some
           place secret. You gotta find him!
           He's probably getting ready for the
                          SHOWWWW---
                         
          The curtain goes down again.
                         
                          SHREK
           Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What
           show?
                         
          Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points
          to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud.
                         
                          PUSS
           (reading the poster)
           It's A Happily Ever After, After
           All!
                         
                          SHREK
           Shrek's final performance.
                         
          The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his
          foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the
          ground.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us
           you were in a play.
                         
                          SHREK
           Well I guess I've been so busy I
           forgot to mention it!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84.
                         
                         
                         
           GUARD #1 (O.S.)
           It's the ogre! Get him!
                         
          Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal
          knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the
          alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward.
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           Don't worry, Jefe. I got this.
                         
          He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are
          large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily
          hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're
          staring at a donkey.
                         
          The guards recoil.
                         
                          GUARD #2
           Ugh! Kill it!
                         
          Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats.
                         
          Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps
          forward, confronting the guards.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Look, don't you know who he thinks
           he is? How dare you?
                         
          Shrek picks up on his plan.
                         
                          SHREK
           Donkey, we're dealing with
           amateurs.
                         
          The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the
          wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the
          poster off the wall.
                         
                          ARTIE
           He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so
           sorry about this Mr. Shrek.
                         
                          SHREK
           I'm gonna lose it!
                         
                          ARTIE
           I assume you have everything ready
           for tonight! You did get the list
           for the dressing room?
                         
          Donkey marches in.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85.
                         
                         
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Yeah, the breakfast croissants
           stuffed with seared sashimi tuna.
           Oh, and please tell me you at least
           have the saffron corn with the
           jalapeno honey butter cause our
           client cannot get into his proper
           emotional state without his
           jalapeno honey butter.
                         
                          SHREK
           I just lost it!
                         
                          GUARD #1
           Uh...Maybe they should talk to
           Nancy in Human Resources.
                         
          Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the
          castle.
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           Oh, we'll have much to say to
           Nancy, I promise!
                         
          The guards look at each other nervously.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY
                         
          A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance
          number.
                         
          Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth
          in the rear of the stage.
                         
          The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to
          a Shrek stand in.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           (reading his lines from a
                          SCRIPT)
           With this sword, I do- No.
                         
          He starts the line over.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           With this sword, I do smote thee!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86.
                         
                         
                         
          Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who
          falls to the ground.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (TO HIMSELF) )
           Is that the right word? "Smote?"
           "Smooote." Is that even a word
           actually? Maybe I should just
           smite him.
                         
          Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Let's try this again. Now...
                         
                         
          Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside
          Prince Charming.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           (playing the scene out
                          QUIETLY)
           Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be
           afraid.
           (he fake screams)
           Ooh!!!
                         
          Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and
          chuckles.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           I say...
           (he riffles through pages)
           "Finally the Kingdom will get the
           happily ever after they deserve,
           die Ogre", blah, blah, blah...
                         
          Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground.
          Prince Charming is still frustrated.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Oh! It just doesn't feel real
           enough yet!
                         
          He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the
          dancing villains who are staring at him.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Who told you to stop dancing?!
                         
                          CYCLOPS
           Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87.
                         
                         
                         
          He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           And what are you laying around for?
           Get up! Honestly.
                         
          Prince Charming storms off.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing
          room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings
          and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles.
                         
          Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front
          of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of
          his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Our happily ever after is nearly
           complete, mummy. And I assure you,
           the people of this kingdom will pay
           dearly for every second we've had
           to wait.
                         
                         
                         
          Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek
          standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along
          side him.
                         
          Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek.
                         
                          SHREK
           Break a leg. Or, on second
           thought, let me break it for you.
                         
          He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his
          dressing table.
                         
          Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button
          under the counter.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Thank goodness you're here. I was
           beginning to think you might not
           make it back in... time.
                         
          Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88.
                         
                         
                         
                          SHREK
           Where's Fiona?
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Don't worry. She and the others
           are safe. For now.
                         
          Shrek strengthens his grip.
                         
          Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly
          surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Ow.
                         
          Prince Charming smiles.
                         
          Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming
          with a thud.
                         
          Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround
          Shrek.
                         
          Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across
          his face.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Let me guess... Arthur?
                         
          Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up.
                         
                          ARTIE
           It's Artie, actually.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           This boy is supposed to be the new
           King of Far Far Away?
                         
          Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to
          Artie's neck.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           How pathetic! Now, stand still so I
           won't make a mess.
                         
          Shrek steps in.
                         
                          SHREK
           Charming, stop! I'm here now, you
           got what you wanted. This isn't
           about him.
                         
          Artie is confused.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89.
                         
                         
                         
                          ARTIE
           Then who's it about? I'm supposed
           to be King, right?
                         
          Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself.
                         
                          SHREK
           You weren't really next in line for
           the throne, okay? I was.
                         
                          ARTIE
           But you said the King asked for me
           personally.
                         
                          SHREK
           Not exactly.
                         
                          ARTIE
           What's that supposed to mean?
                         
                         
          Shrek becomes defensive.
                         
                          SHREK
           Look, I said whatever I had to say,
           alright! I wasn't right for the
           job, I just needed some fool to
           replace me, and you fit the bill.
           So just go!
                         
          Artie is stunned.
                         
                          ARTIE
           You were playing me the whole time.
                         
          Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more.
                         
                          SHREK
           You catch on real fast kid... Maybe
           you're not as big of a loser as I
           thought.
                         
          Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in
          Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet.
                         
                          ARTIE
           You know, for a minute there, I
           actually thought you -
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           What? That he cared about you? He's
           an ogre. What did you expect?
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90.
                         
                         
                         
          Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He
          stares at Shrek one last time and heads out.
                         
          Shrek lowers his head in shame.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           You really do have a way with
           children, Shrek.
                         
          Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.
                         
                         
          INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM:
                         
          Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway.
                         
                         
          EXT. CASTLE GATE:
                         
          The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away
          from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily
          storms away.
                         
                         
          INT. DUNGEON:
                         
          Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his
          chains. He sadly looks out the cell window.
                         
                         
          INT. PRISON:
                         
          The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona
          comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares
          sorrowfully at the castle in the distance.
                         
                         
          INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY
                         
          All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in
          the same prison cell.
                         
          Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a
          shine.
                         
          Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the
          distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Had we just stayed put like I
           suggested, we could be sipping tea
           out of little heart-shaped cups...
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91.
                         
                         
                         
                          CINDERELLA
           Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Eating crumpets smothered with
           loganberries.
                         
                          CINDERELLA
           Yeah... loganberries.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Shut up Cindy.
                         
                          CINDERELLA
           Yeah, shut up.
                         
          Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor.
                         
                          CINDERELLA (REFLECTION)
           No! You shut up!
                         
                          CINDERELLA
           Just stay out of this!
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Who cares who's running the kingdom
           anyway?
                         
                          FIONA
           I care.
                         
          Fiona steps forward and challenges them.
                         
                          QUEEN
           And you should all care too.
                         
          Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each
          other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind
          them.
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           Hey, hey, hey, hey.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Yeah, and I have your badge number,
                          "TIN CAN-"
                         
          Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a
          cat.
          Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92.
                         
                         
                         
           FIONA (O.S.)
           Donkey?!
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Princess?!
                         
                          FIONA
           Puss?!
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           Lo siento, Princessa, but I am
           Puss, stuck here inside this
           hideous body.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           And I'm me!
                         
                          FIONA
                          BUT YOU'RE-
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           I know, I know. Everything's a
           little fruity in the loops right
           now. But what happened is, we went
           to high school, the boat crashed,
           and we got "bippity-bopity-booped"
           by the "Magic Man."
                         
                          DORIS
           You poor sweet things.
                         
                          CINDERELLA
           I don't get it.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           The cat turned into a little horse
           that smells like feet. What's to
           get?
                         
                          SLEEPING BEAUTY
                          (WAKING UP)
           Huh? Who dat?
                         
                          FIONA
           Where's Shrek?
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93.
                         
                         
                         
                          DONKEY
           Charming's got him, Princess. And
           he plans on killing Shrek tonight
           in front of the whole kingdom.
                         
          Fiona's lets out a breath.
                         
                          FIONA
           Alright everyone, we need to find a
           way out, now.
                         
          The Princesses nod in agreement.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           You're right.
           (to the other Princesses)
           Ladies, assume the position!
                         
          Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly
          assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips.
          Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs.
                         
                          FIONA
           What are you doing?
                         
                          SLEEPING BEAUTY
           Waiting to be rescued.
                         
                          FIONA
           You have got to be kidding me.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Well, what do you expect us to do?
           We're just four...
                          (NOTICES DORIS)
           I mean, three, super hot
           princesses, two circus freaks, a
           pregnant ogre and an old lady.
                         
          The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses.
                         
                          QUEEN
           Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming
           through.
                         
          She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and
          lets out a yell.
                         
                          QUEEN
           Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah!
                         
          She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona
          and the Princesses are impressed.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94.
                         
                         
                         
           PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY
           Whoa.
                         
                          FIONA
           Mom!?
                         
                          QUEEN
           Well, you didn't actually think you
           got your fighting skills from your
           father, did you?
                         
          Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses.
                         
          Snow White points to another wall behind them.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Excuse me, I think there's still
           one more.
                         
          The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way.
                         
                          QUEEN
           Hmmmm.
                         
          The Queen hurries to the other wall.
                         
                          QUEEN
           Hiiiiyah!
                         
          It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince.
                         
          Fiona approaches her mother.
                         
          The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing
          softly to herself.
                         
                          FIONA
           Why don't you just lie down?
                         
          The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away.
                         
          Fiona turns to the others.
                         
                          FIONA
           Okay girls, from here on out, we're
           gonna take care of business
           ourselves.
                         
          Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other
          Princesses. They nod.
                         
          Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a
          Dopey tattoo.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95.
                         
                         
                         
          Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress.
                         
          The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a
          football player).
                         
          Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper.
                         
          Doris burns her bra.
                         
          The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and
          Donkey's hands come in last.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and
          taps it on the score in front of him.
                         
                          ANNOUNCER
           Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far
           Away Theatre at the Charming
           Pavilion is proud to present: "It's
           a Happily Ever After, After All."
                         
          The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a
          Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as
          himself."
                         
          Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills
          and are using spears to usher people into their seats.
                         
                          EVIL KNIGHT #1
           Enjoy your evening of theatrical
           reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or
           beverages in the theatre! Hey!
                         
          The orchestra begins to warm up.
                         
                         
          EXT. STAGE
                         
          The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the
          stage to backstage.
                         
                         
          INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT
                         
          SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man.
          Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains
          attached to the floor.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96.
                         
                         
                         
          He pulls the chains tight.
                         
                          SHREK
           Oww, easy.
                         
                          CYCLOPS
           Sorry. I guess I was just showing
           off for the little one.
                         
                          SHREK
           Huh?
                         
                          CYCLOPS
           It's "Bring your kids to work day."
           C'mere beautiful.
                         
          Cyclops motions to the shadows.
                         
          CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like
          Cyclops with long hair and skirt.
                         
          Shrek recoils.
                         
                          SHREK
           Well... she's got your eye.
                         
          Cyclops picks her up and embraces her.
                         
                          CYCLOPS
           Who woulda thought a monster like
           me deserves something as special as
           you?
                         
          They touch foreheads affectionately.
                         
          Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined
          look on his face.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. CASTLE GARDENS
                         
          The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the
          castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two
          Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to
          signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side
          entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow
          White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal
          Friends/With A Smile."
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97.
                         
                         
                         
           SNOW WHITE (O.S.)
                          (SINGING)
           "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa."
                         
          The birds answer her in song.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
                          (SINGING)
           "Ahh ha ha ha haa."
                         
          The birds answer again.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
                          (SINGING)
           "Ha ha ha ha haaaa.
           Little birdies take wing,
           flitting down from the trees they
           appear, and to chirp in my ear."
                         
          All the forest creatures flock to her.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
                          (SINGING)
           "All because I sing.
           Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa."
                         
          More forest creatures flock to Snow White.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
                          (SINGING)
           "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa."
                         
          The Evil Trees stare in amazement.
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
                          (SINGING)
           "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!"
                         
          Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led
          Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song."
                         
                          SNOW WHITE
           Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!!
                         
          All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the
          Princesses charge forward.
                         
                          FIONA
           Move it! Go! Go! Go!
                         
                          CUT TO:
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98.
                         
                         
                         
                         
          EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front
          gates of the Far Far Away Zoo.
                         
          The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss'
          body) busts open their cage.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           My babies!
                         
          The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him.
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           Help! Ow!
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Hey!
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through
          the lock to open the gates.
                         
          As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs
          towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her
          boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the
          ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body.
                         
          Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The
          Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and
          over the castle wall.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out
          of his marionette theatre.
                         
                          CUT TO:
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99.
                         
                         
                         
                         
          EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case.
          Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in
          Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his
          claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a
          hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the
          case.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily
          creep along the rooftop.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking
          their path. She gets an idea.
                         
          The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They
          "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up
          to reveal Doris.
                         
                          DORIS
           Hey. How's it going?
                         
          She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off
          running.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER
                         
          Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued
          Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle.
                         
          Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush.
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           "O" to the "K." The coast has
           cleared.
                         
          Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100.
                         
                         
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           All right people, let's do this
           thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!!
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
           I thought we agreed we would go by
           the name of "Team Super Cool."
                         
                          GINGERBREAD MAN
           As I recall it was "Team Awesome."
                         
                          WOLF
           I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf
           Squadron."
                         
                          DONKEY
           Alright! Alright! Alright! From
           henceforth we are to be known as
           "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool
           Dynomite Wolf Squadron."
                         
          The Three Pigs notice something.
                         
                          PIG #1
           Ach to Lieber! There is some
           strange little girl over there
           staring at us!
                         
          Donkey, in Puss' body, turns to look. Artie is staring at
          the strange crew.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Artie!
                         
          Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to
          stop him.
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey!
           Where is the fire, Senor?
                         
          Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Oh please, don't act so innocent.
           You both knew what was going on the
           whole time and you kept it to
           yourself.
                         
          Artie starts to storm away.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101.
                         
                         
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Artie, it's not like it seems.
                         
                          ARTIE
           It's not? I think it seems pretty
           clear. He was using me. That's
           all there is to it.
                         
          Artie starts to walk off.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Using you? Man, you really don't
           get it!
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           Shrek only said those things to
           protect you!
                         
          This stops Artie in his tracks.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Charming was going to kill you
           Artie. Shrek saved your life.
                         
          Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his
          friend.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. COURTYARD STAGE
                         
          The lights dim.
                         
          The curtain rises.
                         
                         
          INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight.
                         
                          RUMPLESTILTSKIN
           Cue the spot!
                         
                         
          EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while
          the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102.
                         
                         
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
                          (SINGING)
           "I wait alone up here.
           I'm trapped another day.
           Locked up here - please set me
           free.
           My new life I almost see,
           A castle, you and me.
           Yes, a castle you and me..."
                         
          Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this
          crap for real?
                         
          Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience.
                         
          From the audience a knight holds up a candle.
                         
          Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs.
                         
                          RUMPLESTILTSKIN
           Cherubs!
                         
          The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a
          rope and pulley system.
                         
          A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a
          clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on
          horseback.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (SINGING)
           "Tis I! Tis I!
           Upon my regal steed!
           Princess, my love,
           at last you shall be freed!"
                         
          The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the
          clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out
          of the clamshell.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (SINGING)
           "I'm strong and brave,
           and dashing my way there!
           With speed! With might!
           With soft and bouncy hair!"
                         
          Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (SINGING)
           "Through the blistering desert..."
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103.
                         
                         
                         
          Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin
          puppet.
                         
                          EVIL TREES
                          (SINGING)
           "Hot!"
                         
          Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the
          sea serpent and crosses the sea.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (SINGING)
           "Across the stormiest sea."
                         
                          EVIL DWARFS
                          (SINGING)
           "Wet!"
                         
          He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the
          Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (SINGING)
           "Facing creatures so vile!"
                         
                          FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
                          (SINGING)
           "Foul!"
                         
          He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer
          and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (SINGING)
           "So you can gaze upon me!"
                         
          Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom
          of Rapunzel's tower.
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
                          (SINGING)
           "I knew you'd come for me.
           And now we finally meet."
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (SINGING)
           "I knew you'd wait.
           And from my plate of love you'd
           eat."
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104.
                         
                         
                         
          There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through
          the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in
          the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the
          audience, putting his hand to his ear.
                         
                         
          INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel.
                         
          Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage.
                         
                          MABEL
           Roar! Roar!
                         
          Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some
          steam with a billow.
                         
                         
          EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette
          fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his
          chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle
          before him.
                         
                         
          INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs,
          cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly
          sit down.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (SINGING)
           "Who is this terrible ugly fiend
           who so rudely intervened?"
                         
          Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings.
                         
                          FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
                          (SINGING)
           "Will Charming fight? Or will he
           flee?"
                         
                          RAPUNZEL
                          (SINGING)
           "Oh please, rescue me!"
                         
                          FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
                          (SINGING)
           "From this monstrosity!"
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105.
                         
                         
                         
          Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra-
          high voice of a castrato.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (SINGING)
           "Fear thee not Honey Lamb!
           I will slice this thing up like a
           HAM!"
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh boy.
                         
          Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword
          and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice
          climbs even higher.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           You are about to enter
           a world of pain with which you are
                          NOT-
                          (SINGING)
           "FamiliaAAAAAAR!"
                         
          He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye
          glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the
          audience.
                         
          Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt.
                         
                          SHREK
           Well it can't be anymore painful
           than the lousy performance you're
           giving.
                         
          The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is
          thrown by their reaction.
                         
          From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries
          to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line.
                         
                          RUMPLESTILTSKIN
           "Prepare foul beast."
                         
          He clears his throat and tries to get back into character.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (SINGING)
           "Prepare foul beast, your time is
           done."
                         
                          SHREK
           Oooh, if you don't mind could you
           kill me, and then sing?
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106.
                         
                         
                         
          The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Be quiet!
                         
                          SHREK
           Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun
           with ya. That's actually a very
           nice leotard.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Thank you.
                         
                          SHREK
           Do they come in men's sizes?
                         
          The audience laughs again.
                         
                          HOOK
           He, he. Now that be funny.
                         
          The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's
          screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           ENOUGH!
                         
          The crowd falls silent.
                         
          Prince Charming turns back to Shrek.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Now you'll finally know what it's
           like to have everything you've
           worked for, everything that's
           precious to you taken away.
                         
          Prince Charming raises his sword.
                         
           PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
           Now you'll know how I felt.
                         
          Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Ahhhhh!
                         
          Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies
          above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her.
                         
                          DRAGON
           Roar!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107.
                         
                         
                         
          The Three Pigs come running down the aisle.
                         
                          PIG #1
           Sausage Roll!!
                         
          The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and
          roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They
          strike a fighting pose.
                         
          Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a
          flurry of kung-fu hands.
                         
          The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the
          others.
                         
                          WOLF
           Arg.
                         
          Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's
          hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end
          catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls
          into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man.
                         
          Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair
          net. She runs off crying.
                         
          Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded.
                         
          Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon
          and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage.
                         
          Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss's body)
           Pray for mercy from...
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           ...Puss!
                         
          He claps his hooves on the stage.
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           And Donkey!
                         
                         
          He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom.
                         
                          PINOCCHIO
           (re: his bottom)
           Hey.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108.
                         
                         
                         
          The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with
          Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them
          with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger,
          Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with
          a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce
          poses and stand next to Shrek.
                         
          The audience applauds.
                         
          Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to
          the floor, revealing Fiona.
                         
                          FIONA
           Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You
           okay?
                         
                          SHREK
           Much better, now that you're here.
                         
                          AUDIENCE
           Awwwwwww!
                         
          The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming
          raising his shackled wrists.
                         
                          SHREK
           So Charming, you wanna let me out
           of these so we can settle this ogre
           to man?
                         
          Prince Charming considers this for a second.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have
           a better idea!
                         
          Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his
          hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking
          Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly.
                         
          The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their
          brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a
          knife to her throat.
                         
          The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is
          suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum-
          ball.
                         
          Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded
          by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up.
                         
                          SHREK
           Fiona!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109.
                         
                         
                         
                          FIONA
           No! Let go of me!
                         
          Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no
          use.
                         
          Prince Charming's eyes narrow.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           You will not ruin things this time
           ogre.
                          (TO VILLAINS)
           Kill it!
                         
          Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As
          the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in
          their eyes, stopping them in their tracks.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Everybody stop!
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
                          (EXASPERATED)
           Oh, what is it now?
                         
                          SHREK
           Artie?
                         
          Artie jumps from the spotlight.
                         
          Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud.
                         
          Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience
          stares in awe.
                         
          After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable,
          sending the little person up in the air.
                         
          Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek.
          He stands facing the Villains.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Who really thinks we need to settle
           things this way?
                         
          The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The
          other Villains follow suit.
                         
                          ARTIE
           You're telling me you just want to
           be Villains your whole lives?
                         
          This gives the Villains pause.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110.
                         
                         
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           But we are Villains. It's the only
           thing we know.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Didn't you ever wish you could be
           something else?
                         
          The Villains aren't convinced.
                         
                          EVIL TREE #2
           Well, it's easy for you to say.
           You're not some evil enchanted
           tree.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           You morons! Don't listen to him!
                          ATTACK THEM-
                         
          Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then
          motions to Artie.
                         
                          EVIL TREE #1
           What Steve's trying to say here is
           that it's hard to come by honest
           work when the whole world's against
           you.
                         
                          EVIL TREE #2
           Right, thanks Ed.
                         
                          ARTIE
           Okay, fair enough. You're right.
           I'm not a talking tree. But, ya
           know, a good friend of mine once
           told me that just because people
           treat you like a villain, or an
           ogre...
                         
          Artie shares a look with Shrek.
                         
                          ARTIE
           ... or just some loser...
                         
          The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently.
                         
                          ARTIE (CONT'D)
           ...it doesn't mean you are one.
                         
          The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles
          to break free.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111.
                         
                         
                         
                          ARTIE (CONT'D)
           The thing that matters most is what
           you think of yourself.
                         
          Artie commands the stage.
                         
                          ARTIE (CONT'D)
           If there's something you really
           want, or there's someone you really
           want to be, then the only person
           standing in your way ...is you.
                         
          Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him.
          Rumplestiltskin is alarmed.
                         
                          RUMPLESTILTSKIN
           Me?
                         
                          OTHER PIRATES
           Get `im lads!
                         
                          ARTIE
           No, no, no! What I mean is: each
           of you is standing in your own way!
                         
                          VILLAINS
           Oooooooh!
                         
          The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd.
                         
                          HEADLESS HORSEMAN
           I've always wanted to play the
           flute.
                         
          The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other.
          The Evil Queen steps up.
                         
                          EVIL QUEEN
           I`d like to open up a spa in
           France.
                         
          The Villains nod in agreement.
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           I grow daffodils!
                         
          Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook.
                         
                          CAPTAIN HOOK
           And they're beautiful!
                         
          Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it
          down.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112.
                         
                         
          The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and
          Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking
          about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from
          him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone
          else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and
          shaking hands.
                         
          Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is
          untied.
                         
          Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw.
          Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the
          jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground.
                         
          Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree
          and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and
          raises it up, his aim set at Artie.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Aaaahhhh!
                         
          Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As
          Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break
          his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain
          whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls
          Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious,
          he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets
          go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him,
          and falls to the floor, groaning.
                         
          Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           A new era finally begins!
                         
          The audience cowers.
                         
          Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Now, all of you, bow before your
           king!
                         
          Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat.
                         
                          SHREK
           Ah-hem.
                         
          Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he
          was never really stabbed.
                         
                          SHREK (CONT'D)
           You need to work on your aim.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113.
                         
                         
                         
          Charming is stunned.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           This was supposed to be my happily
           ever after.
                         
          Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs
          him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet.
                         
          He winces, but is still defiant.
                         
                          SHREK
           Well I guess you need to keep
           looking...
                         
          Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles.
                         
                          SHREK
           ...cause I'm not giving up mine.
                         
          Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She
          casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls
          over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling
          toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's
          window.
                         
                          PRINCE CHARMING
           Mommy?
                         
          It crashes down and he's trapped inside.
                         
          As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie
          stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up.
                         
                          SHREK
           It's yours if you want it, you
           know, but this time it's your
           choice.
                         
          Artie considers it.
                         
          He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him.
                         
          Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them.
          They cheer him.
                         
          Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In
          the audience, Raul sobs with joy.
                         
                          ALL
           Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114.
                         
                         
                         
          Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put
          Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and
          Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets
          carried away.
                         
          In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around
          confused, clutching his show ticket.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Uh, excuse me, that's my seat.
                         
          Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as
          Donkey and Puss confront him.
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The
           time has come to rectify some
           wrongs!
                         
                          DONKEY
           (in Puss' body)
           Although I have been enjoying these
           "cat baths."
                         
                          PUSS
           (in Donkey's body)
           Please say you didn't.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Uh... alright, alright...look..
                         
          Merlin rubs his hands together.
                         
                          MERLIN
           You're gonna feel a little pinch,
           and possibly some lower intestinal
           discomfort, but this should do the
           trick.
                         
          Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the
          magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a
          moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other
          cautiously.
                         
                          PUSS
           Are you..?
                         
          Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully.
                         
                          DONKEY
           I'm me again!
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115.
                         
                         
                         
          Puss checks out his own paws.
                         
                          PUSS
           And I am not you!
                         
          Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Alright!
                         
          The two of them turn and walk away together.
                         
          Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his
          eyes grow wide.
                         
                          MERLIN
           Oops. Ah, never mind.
                         
          We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had
          Donkey's. Merlin slips away.
                         
          Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance.
                         
                          SHREK
           What'd I tell ya? I think the
           kid's going to be a great King.
                         
                          FIONA
           Well, for what it's worth, you
           would have too.
                         
          Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly.
                         
                          SHREK
           I have something much more
           important in mind.
                         
          They kiss.
                         
          The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around
          Shrek and Fiona as they kiss.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING
                         
          A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116.
                         
                         
                         
                         
          INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of
          slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona
          by the fire.
                         
                          SHREK
           Ah, finally.
                         
          Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple
          on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap.
                         
                          OGRE BABIES
           Da da.
                         
          A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to
          pick him up.
                         
          One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the
          babies and Fiona a hug.
                         
          The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Hey! I smell Shrek Jr.
                         
          The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in
          through the door.
                         
          Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at
          changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby
          goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is
          holding. She smiles at Shrek.
                         
          The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and
          dirty diapers.
                         
          Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his
          mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in
          Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes
          crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug
          of war ensues.
                         
          The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat
          from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the
          water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs.
                         
                         
                         
          Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre
          laughs.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117.
                         
                         
                         
                          DONKEY
           Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo.
                         
          A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses
          the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper.
                         
                          QUEEN
           Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy.
                         
          The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes
          and the Queen smiles.
                         
          There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor
          holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk.
                         
          Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth.
                         
                          DONKEY
           Hey.
                         
          Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf.
                         
                          NANNY DWARF
           Where's the baby?
                         
          Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the
          door.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY
                         
          Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made
          out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself.
          The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by,
          spraying mud everywhere.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING
                         
          Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect
          unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third
          baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss.
                         
          Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to
          Fiona.
           Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118.
                         
                         
                         
          Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches
          the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in
          Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on
          her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth.
                         
          Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps.
          Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A
          Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre
          baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect
          into the fireplace.
                         
          Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed.
                         
                          SHREK
           Well, what shall we do now?
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          A baby starts to cry.
                         
                          SHREK
                          (SIGHS)
           I got it.
                         
          The camera trucks out.
                         
                         THE END
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