Quasar's Ultracareer - Episode 19: A Dreadful Dres Landing

[Quasar]

This thread will log my comedic misadventures in a new career game. I've been playing on normal difficulty and cautiously using rescue missions and small science trips to work my way up to the point where I can let loose the dogs of stupidity and completely ruin everything for everyone, forever.

In universe, the space program has recently hired a new, somewhat more eccentric director after the previous one... ahem... disappeared.

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Episode 1: The Munmus Tour

Episode 2: Tourist Terrorization

Episode 3: Scientific Stupidity

Episode 4: The Minmus Mishap

Episode 5: Fixer Upper

Episode 6: The Gilly Garbage Pile (Part 1)
                                                            (Part 2)

Episode 7: Massively Mining Minmus (Part 1)
                                                                   (Part 2)

Episode 8: Saving Samald

Episode 9: Saving Samald again. Also Johnuki (Part 1)
                                                                                   (Part 2)

Episode 10: Duna Comm Network

Episode 11: Babies First Duna Mission

Episode 12: Mining Minmus More Massivelier (Part 1)
                                                                                   (Part 2)

Episode 13: Coming Home Party

Episode 14: Duna Superstation (Part 1)
                                                        (Part 2)
                                                        (Part 3)
                                                        (Part 4)

Episode 14.5: Gene launches some boring Mapping Probes

Episode 15: SSTO's (Part 1)
                                   (Part 2)

Episode 16: Monstrous Mun Station

Episode 17: The Abominable Asteroid

Episode 18: Horrible Habitats (Part 1)
                                                      (Part 2)

Episode 19: A Dreadful Dres Landing

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Episode 1: The Munmus Tour

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Spoiler

 

Gene Kerman: Greetings, director. My name is Gene, I look forward to working with you.

The Director: That is excellent, sequence of nucleotides! I demand you obey me, that all the space-glory may be ours! 

Gene: Oh. Um... okay. Yes sir, we currently have 602,000 funds, and have reached the third generation of rocketry technology. We've been amassing a crew by rescuing them from Kerbin orbit after the mishaps of the various lesser space programs. We also-

The Director: Cease your yammering! Spare me these meaningless details, they matter not! What matters is what you plan to do next.

Gene: Yes, sir! Our next goal is to put an unmanned probe into Munar orbit. It will be the first of it's kind!

The Director: It seems I got here just in time! You lack ambition, man! Come! Follow me! I will show you what to do next!

Gene: [under his breath] Just when we'd gotten ourselves a competent one...  coming sir!

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The Director: Behold!

Gene: What.

The Director: Our Mun craft will be manned!

Gene: Why are the boosters all different sizes...

The Director: And we will land it, too!

Gene: Wait, what? No.

The Director: With not one Kerbal, but with three!

Gene: No!

The Director: And also science! All the science we know of!

Gene: Sir, this is genuinely not possible with our current level of techno-  !

The Director: And then Minmus too if we have time!

Gene: You're not listening to me at all.

The Director: Launch it!

Gene: Sir, we can't! It's too heavy for the launch pad!

The Director: So build a bigger one. Oi you, accountant-looking kerbal over there, how much would a bigger launch pad cost?

Mort: Based on my calculations, sir, a launch pad with a increased mass tolerance would cost a total of-

The Director: Just kidding, I don't care! Build it!

The Director: Now launch!

Gene: [gasping after having sprinted from the VAB to Mission Control] Oh thank heavens, they made it to orbit. Do we have them on radio?

Mission Control Mook: We can ping their craft, sir, but they're not responding.

Gene: What do you mean they're not responding?

The Director: Oh, that's right. Communications antannae. Knew I forgot something.

Gene: You forgot the comm... AAAH! What were you thinking, sending people up in an untested garbage pile like that?

The Director: Not to worry! I tested it!

Gene: You tested it?

The Director: I tested it in pretend.

Gene: ... I forsee stomach ulcers in my future. Okay, so who did you send to their doom?

The Director: Valentina, Bob, and some menial whose name I can't remember.

Gene: Oh crap, you put Val and Bob in the same craft?

The Director: Yeah, why?

Gene: Urgh... just... remind me to give Bob some anti-anxiety meds when he gets back.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Meanwhile]

Valentina: Hey Bob, want to go to Minmus?

Bob: Um, I appreciate your enthusiasm, Val, but the mission brief said we're supposed to be going to the Mun. I don't think this craft is rated for-

Vanetina: We can visit the Mun on the way back. Hey, Steve, pass me a snack.

Steve: [provides snack]

Bob: Sigh. You're taking us to Minmus regardless of what I say, aren't you? 

Valentina: We're already there.

Bob: Wait what... when? HOW?!

Valentina: Timewarp's a hell of a drug. Bob, do that science thing you do.

Bob: Okay, fine, but not because you told me to.

[2 minutes later]

Valentina: You done? Got your dirt? Sweet, let's go to the Mun now. Steve, snack me.

Bob: Wait, hold on Valentina, we should really discuss the changes to the mission plan-

Steve: [provides snack]

Valentina: Nailed it.

Bob: Argh! What happened? Why is the ship on it's side?

Valentina: Minor turbulence during landing, nothing to worry about. 

Bob: Turbulence?! It's a vaccum outside!

Valentina: Hey, I don't know your science jargon, I just fly the ship. Anyway, see that ridge ahead of us? I reckon, if we accelerate along the ground, we can use that lip to launch ourselves back into space.

Bob: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Do you know nothing about friction?!

Valentina: Friction is a myth the government tells you to keep you complacent. Hold on to something, I'm throttling up.

Bob: Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god this makes no sense.

Valentina: Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

OOC: I successfully managed to lift off and reach low Munar orbit, but I had to do some save editing afterwards because the ship was convinced it was still in contact with the ground despite reaching orbit, and wouldn't time warp or show me the orbit paths. I think this may have been caused by me scraping off the landing legs during liftoff. Will try to avoid doing that in the future.

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Gene: They're coming back! I can't believe they actually made it. Hopefully nobody died. They should be back in the atmosphere in a few min... wait, I just had a horrible thought. Did you install heat shields?

The Director: Technically, yes. 

Gene: What does that mean?

The Director: Not to worry. The bits that aren't protected will just explode.

Gene: ... exploding is not standard operating procedure.

The Director: We're doing rocket science here, it literally is.

The Director: See? Nailed it. Money and science for days.

Gene: Why do I feel like this is the beginning of something terrible?

 

 

Edited August 31, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

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Episode 2: The Tourist Terrorization

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Spoiler

 

[Mission control, early morning]

Gene: Good morning all. I heard we took a tourist contact overnight? That’s… unexpectedly pragmatic of the new director.

Mission control mooks: [nervous murmuring]

Gene:  Oh no. What don't I know?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 [Meanwhile, in the VAB]

The Director: Okay, I like the feng sheu on this build,  but can we make it bigger? And with more boosters?

Gil: I… ummm…

Gene: [bursts into the VAB] Nineteen tourists?! NINETEEN?! PLUS A PILOT?!

Gil: Thank you! [flees]

The Director: Ah, Gene, I see you made it in. What’s got you in such a tizzy today?

Gene: It says here that most of these people want a flyby of the Mun or Minmus! Some of them even want to land!

The Director: We’ve done that before.

Gene: With three people! Trained professionals! Not an entire classroom worth of plebs!

The Director: Would you really call Val a trained professional?

Gene: That is quite besides the point!

The Director: Well that's good, because she's going to be the one flying it. And don't worry, they don’t all want to land. We’ll send the VIP’s down on a lander, see, then rendevouz back in orbit.

Gene: Wait, is this it? The rocket you’ll be sending up?

The Director: Yup.

Gene: It's... not as terrible as I was expecting, to be honest. At least it’s asparagus-staged. Sort of.

 The Director: Pretty, ain’t she? But this is just a prototype. The real one’s already on the launch pad. It should be launching in about… what time is it?

 Gene: Um… mid-morning?

The Director: In about 11 seconds, then!

Gene: What?

 

Gene: Please tell me you at least included a communications antennae this time.

The Director: I forgot again! Don’t worry, I’m sure Val will show those tourists the time of their lives… one way or another...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Val: Alright, you rich scumbags wonderful gentlekerbals. Please keep your hands and feet inside the craft at all times and do exactly as I say so as to slightly reduce the chance of us all dying horribly in the unrelentingly hostile vaccum of space. I need to flip the lander upside down for reasons I’m sure made sense to some dumbass engineer somewhere, so give me a moment and then we’ll get on our way.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

OOC: Turns out you can't complete the "dock with another vessel in orbit of kerbin" mission by detaching and re-attaching part of your ship. Oh well, live and learn.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Val: Okay you lot, we’ll be visiting the Mun first. Stow your luggage for the transfer burn and try not to throw up in each others faces any more than you already did on launch. Oi, you. Tourist.

Tourist: My name is Damin.

Val: Nobody cares, friend. Open up that glove compartment there, I need a snack.

Val: [snacks]

Val: And we're here. Okay folks, if you look out the starboard window you’ll see the Mun, which we are now orbiting.

 

Random Tourist: Aren’t you going to tell us interesting Mun facts?

Val: No.

Random Tourist: You're not a very good tour guide...

Val: And you're not a very good use of oxygen. Alright, which of you rubes people signed up for the VIP tour? Get in the lander, we’re going down.

[Erlie, Ellpond and Altrey pile into the lander behind Valentina]

Val: Sweet! We’re here. Look out the windows or whatever, I’ve gotta get out and plant a flag. Don’t leave the lander or I’ll strand you here.

Tourists: [delighted tourist noises]

Val: God this is so boring. Whose brilliant idea was it to saddle me with the tourist babysitting job, anyway? What a waste of time.

[Val get's back into the lander]

Val: Alright you buncha weenies, I mean valued customers, seen enough rocks or whatever? Then let’s get going. We just need to rendevouz with... oh.

Val: OH THIS JUST GOT INTERESTING!

 ------------------------------------------

OOC: So, here’s the situation. My lander does not have enough delta-V to make it back to Munar orbit, which is where the tourist orbiter is. To make matters worse, Valentina is my only pilot on this mission and I didn't add any probe cores, so I can’t even bring the tourist mothership down or use it to assist with the rendezvous.

Luckily, this is Valentina Kerman we’re talking about… 

------------------------------------------

 

Val: So, that’s the gruesomely detailed explanation of how we’re all going to die slowly from lack of oxygen because we don’t have enough fuel for the rendezvous or any communications equipment to call for rescue. Any questions?

 Tourists: AAAAAAAAAAAA-

Val: Luckily, I have an idea. All I have to do is endanger the three of you by using the last of the fuel to put this lander onto a sub-orbital trajectory. Once that’s done, I’ll jump out and catch up with the orbiter using my EVA-suit.

 

 Val: Then, I’ll board the orbiter and put it onto a sub-orbital intercept trajectory, endangering the rest of the tourists lives.

 

Val: Then, before we all crash into the Mun and die, I’ll EVA back to the lander and use what’s left of the mono-prop to dock with the orbiter, before finally burning us all back into orbit.

Val: Oh, that's a pretty view.

Tourists: Please stop admiring the view and save our liiiiiiives!

Val: Oh, right.

Val: Aaand done. Any questions?

Tourists: AAAAAAAAAAA-

Val: Nope? Let’s go then!

------------------------------------------

OOC: [sounds of frantic F9 bashing in the background]

------------------------------------------

Val: And that’s how I saved everyone! Wasn’t that an exciting near-death experience? Now, a bunch of you folks signed up for Minmus as well, right? I wonder if we have enough fuel to do Minmus on this trip?

Random Tourist: Um, we’d actually be okay with going home now. We don't really want a repeat of what just happened…

Val: Ha hah, you’re funny! Don’t worry, Minmus is super cheap. Like a cheap and nasty discount Mun. Let’s go there now!

Random Tourist: No, that’s really not necess-

Val: We’re here! Alright, you three were the ones who wanted to land on Minmus, right?

Tourist: Wait, what's happening?

Val: BAM! Landed on Minmus!

Val: Haha, I'm just kidding. Just my little joke. Gotta say, nearly dying back there did wonders for my mood. I like your name, by the way.

Madbo: MADBO ALSO LIKES MADBO'S NAME.

Halble: You do seem to be having a lot more fun now. But... are you sure we have enough fuel?

Val: Pff. It's Minmus. We'd have to go down twice before Minmus could cause fuel problems. And here we are.

[time passes]

Val: And now we're back.

Val: Wonderful! All present and accounted for, we have enough spare fuel to get back to Kerbin, and everyone's seen what they wanted to see and done what they wanted to do...

Val: ... and...

Val: [demon voice] YOU.

Jendos: Y- yes?

Val: How did this happen?

Jendos: W- well I decided I didn't want to go and there wasn't room on the lander, so-

Val: I would have strapped you to the top.

Jendos: B- b- but it's okay, I can just go back and get a refund...

Val: Get in the lander right now you horrible little gremlin.

Jendos: ... o- okay...

MADBO: MADBO COMES WITH TOO!

Val: Yes, you're always welcome Madbo.

------------------------------------------

Val: Whoops, used up all our monoprop trying to save fuel during the landing. Oh well. I'm sure we can find another way to dock.

Val: Okay, we're back. Let's see. Do we have enough fuel to return to Kerbin?

Val: No. No we do not. Crap.

Tourists: [scared]

Val: But if we transfer all remaining fuel out of the lander...

Tourists: [hopeful]

Val: Nope, our periapsis would still be too high. It's impossible.

Tourists: [resigned to death]

Val: But wait!

Tourists: [do they dare hope?]

Val: A gravity assist from the Mun might just do it! Yes! That'll put us in Kerbins atmosphere! Haha! I've saved us all again!

Val: Assuming we don't explode from hitting Kerbins atmosphere at massive speed...

Tourists: [wondering if they could overpower Valentina and throw her out an airlock]

------------------------------------------

Val: This is it, folks! The instruments say everything is overheating rapidly, but the instruments always say that. I don't pay it much mind. I hope you've enjoyed your repeated near-death experiences, courtesy of the Kerbal Space Program, and that you won't choose to fly with us again because god knows I don't need another job babysitting a bunch of entitled rich kids like you again. 'cept you, Madbo. You're alright.

Madbo: MADBO APPRECIATES YOU AS WELL!

Val: Just a little heads up folks, despite the parachutes we're approaching the ground at 10 m/s, which in is a bit too fast for a craft with no landing legs, and we have no fuel left to slow down. There's a decent chance the engines may explode. This is normal. Try not to freak out.

Val: I told you not to freak out! Bloody tourists. This is why I hate these jobs.

Val: Aaaaand done.

------------------------------------------

Gene: They're all alive?

The Director: Indeed! Got the report from Valentina just now.

Gene: Oh thank god. You realize those are some of the most wealthy and influential people on Kerbin right? If anything had happened to them out there...

The Director: Valentina did well! She said the only scarring will be mental. But I'm sure they'll tell all their rich buddies about the horrifying experience they had in space.

Gene: Wait a second... did you and Val set all this up just so we'd never have to take a tourist job again?

The Director: Don't be ridiculous! Traumatizing the top zero-point-zero-one percent and never having to deal with their privileged whining again was only a secondary goal of this mission!

Gene: ... and the primary goal?

The Director: Have you seen our funds counter lately?

Gene: This is only going to cause more problems, isn't it?

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

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Episode 3: Scientific Stupidity

------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

The Director: Gene! What is the meaning of this!

Gene: Director?

The Director: Our moneys, Gene! Our moneys went down! I saws them! What did you do behind my back, you traitor?!

Gene: Ah, that would the comm-map satellite launch that happened overnight. We now have two communications satellites in Keosynchronous orbit, plus one around Minmus, which should provide us with decent coverage anywhere in the system.

Gene: We also installed mapping satellites around Kerbin, the Mun and Minmus. Knowing the borders of biomes should allow for some targeted science collection. You like science, don't you sir?

The Director: O- oh. Yes. Science is important! Science is what gave us those fancy new nuclear engines I can use to irradiate Bob with!

Gene: Going to ignore that. So there's no problem here, right sir?

The Director: Of course not! We need science! We need a great deal of science! Carry on, Gene, excellent work!

Gene: [watches the director leave] Huh. That went better than expected. What's he up to?

------------------------------------------

[that afternoon]

The Director: Gene! I built a thing! Come see!

Gene: Oh no.

The Director: It's a science base for the Mun! FOR SCIENCE!

Gene: ... why does it have a 3.75 meter stack seperater in the middle? Nobody's ever even invented 3.75 meter parts.

The Director: Contract.

Gene: Oh. Yes, okay, that makes sense.  We get some dumb contracts from time to time. Otherwise... I think you put too much Delta-V on it. With boosters that big, you could blast straight to the Mun without even entering orbit.

The Director: ...

Gene: Please don't actually do that.

The Director: Too late, doing it!

Gene: And let me guess, you didn't attach a comms devices to this one, either.

The Director: I attached three! One to the rover, one to the science lab, and I duct taped one of your relay satellites to the top of the stack.

Gene: Oh, the spare we have? But why?

The Director: YOU FORGOT TO PUT ONE IN MUNAR ORBIT AND IT BOTHERED ME.

The Director: That's better.

Gene: Since you've got so much delta-v, can I at least get you to tell Jeb to pick up a stranded Kerbal while he's there?

The Director: Oh, fine. But just the one. And you're not getting anything else for Khristmas.

Gene: According to the contract, he's... a pilot by the name of Jedlo.

The Director: Goddamn it, I go to all this effort to strand a pilot on the Mun and you just have to go and pick up a replacement.

Gene: What was that?

The Director: Nothing! Let's land now!

 

Gene: I see, you're having them land near the farside canyon. That's actually an excellent place for a base. It's nice and equatorial, and according to our mapping data, there's a confluence of 5 biomes in the area: the East Farside Crater, East Crater, Canyons, Highlands and Midlands. It should be an optimal location for science gathering.

The Director: Just as planned!

Gene: You had no idea, right?

The Director: Just! As! Planned!

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[Meanwhile, on the Mun]

Jebediah: So, Bill. How are we supposed to disassemble this thing?

Bill: What makes you think I know?

Jebediah: Well you're an engineer, aren't you?

Bill: I repack parachutes! Moving spacecraft around is your job!

Jebediah: Fine, we'll do it together. It's basically just reverse Ikea anyway, how hard can it be? Let's start by getting the rover off the top.

Bill: Thank goodness someone installed RCS. What next?

Jebediah: Detach the science lab, I guess. I can pilot it down with the probe core.

Bill: Should I detach it manually or by using the staging system?

Jebediah: Who cares? I'm sure absolutely nothing important could possibly depend on you using the correct staging method to activate that oversized stack separator.

Bill: I'll do it manually, then.

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[Meanwhile, back on Kerbin]

The Director: [rage-induced aneurysm]

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[Meanwhile, back on the the Mun]

Bill: Your parking ability is a crime against nature.

Jebediah: Eh. I've seen worse.

Bill: I was hoping we could fix it, but I think you scraped off the radio antennae on the way down. Without Kerbnet access, the probe isn't responding.

Jebediah: The director's going to be so liquided. He was super proud of himself when he remembered to add one.

Bill: Can we at least get it the right way up before the battery runs out?

Jebediah: Alright, let me try something...

------------------------------------------

Bill: This is a terrible idea.

[2 minutes later]

Bill: THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!

Bill: Wow.

Jebediah: Yeah.

Bill: That was amazing.

Jebediah: I know, right?

Bill: And the way you judo-flipped the entire lab with the rover...

Jebediah: I know! Even I didn't think I could pull it off.

Bill: Well, it looks good. Let's try not to break anything else, okay?

Bill: Bob, you've been quiet. What's up?

Bob: I didn't want to get in your way.

Bill: Good man! Want to head out in the rover and pick up some science?

Bob: [traumatic flashbacks]

Bill: There there, calm down. Valentina's not here right now. She can't hurt you.

Bob: You... you'll drive safely?

Bill: You have my word.

Bob: O- okay then.

 

Bill: Hey Bob, is it just me or is there something wrong with the wheel alignment on this thing? You can feel that, right? It's not just my imagination?

 

------------------------------------------

Jebediah: Okay, everyone done? I've been preparing the lander to leave.

Bob: U- uh -um, I-

Bill: Relax, Bob. Deep breaths.

Bob: I- I- I'd like to stay behind and analyse the data we picked up in the lab. It's quiet and peaceful up here.

Jebediah: Sure! I'll stay behind with you. We can take the rover out on our free time!

Bob: [whimpering]

Bill: Actually, I think it'd be better if I stayed with-

Jebediah: No can do, Bill. The director gave me this note before we left.

Bill: ... this just says, "strand Jebediah on the Mun and you will be rewarded."

Jebediah: Yeah, I'm not sure he can actually tell us apart? Anyway, I'll stay up here with Bob. We've got too many pilots anyway, thanks to idiots like this guy stranding themselves in orbit.

Jedlo: I acknowledge your hostility, sir, and will endeavor to improve myself so as to meet your expectations when next we meet.

Jebediah: Get in the lander before i punch you.

Jedlo: Yes sir.

------------------------------------------

[Once again on Kerbin]

The Director: I return! With snacks!

Gene: Good timing. Bill and Jedlo should be hitting the atmosphere about now. I imagine they're seeing quite an impressive sunrise from the upper atmosphere.

Gene: Oh. This is concerning. They're coming down over the mountains.

The Director: Is that bad?

Gene: Don't know yet. They might get lucky and land somewhere relatively flat.

The Director: Or?

Gene: Or they might roll down a cliff and die. Either way, in the future we should have our pilots avoid the mountains on re-entry, if they can.

The Director: So what you're saying is it's all the new pilots fault? Sweet, I know who I'm stranding on Minmus next.

Radio: [crackle] -ontrol? Come in, Mission Control?

Gene: Bill! How are you?

Bill: Ah, there you are Mission Control!

The Director: Are you safe, Bill? Did you fall down a mountain and die?

Bill: Um... no, sir? We landed safely on a ridge in the shadow of the mountain. Everything's good. Bob did well! I've got a large science haul waiting in the lander for you to come pick it up!

Bill: Also, you should see the size of this crystal! It's enormous!

 

------------------------------------------

Mission Goals Accomplished:

• Stranded Jebediah on the Mun
• Rescued Jedlo from Munar Orbit
• Collect 5 biomes worth of experiments from the Mun
• Gather surface deployed mystery goo observations from the surface of the Mun (will take a few months to come in)

 

Mission Goals Failed:

• Test TY-SS3 3.74m Stack Separator landed at the Mun (accidentally activated manually, rather than through staging)
• Establish science laboratory on the Mun (antannae broken, cannot transmit)
• Provide a functional rover for the Mun base (wheels horribly misaligned, rover falls over extremely easily)
• Transmit science from space around Kerbin (completely forgot about it)

 

•  

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

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Episode 4: The Minmus Mishap

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Spoiler

 

The Director: Alright! New plan!

Gene: Are we going to fix the ridiculous mess we made during the last mission?

The Director: Nope!

Gene: Finally finish that World First mission and dock two vessels in LKO?

The Director: Nah! We're harvesting science from Minmus! And I got a base contract for Minmus, so we can make money out of it as well. It'll be fun!

Gene: Uuuuurgh. Twelve Kerbals and a science lab. And... for some reason they want you to leave pilots up there?

The Director: A company after my own heart.

Gene: Okay, I'll humour you. What monstrosity are you sending up this time?

The Director: Ta da! You may applaud when ready.

Gene: Is that... seven mainsail engines? You know those are expensive, right?

The Director: Who cares? We're rich!

The Director: Soooo... tell me I can't launch it...

Gene: You wouldn't have shown me the rocket if you weren't already in the process of launching it.

The Director: ... yes, that's true, but you ruined it. You ruined the bit. It's ruined forever and it's all your fault, Gene.

Gene: So you'll start okaying launches with me first now?

The Director: No promises are made.

The Director: Wait, that's not Valentina and co'. Who are these people and what are they doing in my space program?

Gene: Well, I recall Jedlo is the pilot we rescued last time. And Linley is another pilot. 

The Director: Good. Strand them both.

Gene: Steve was the, and I quote, "menial whose name I can't remember" you sent up on your first mission. He's a senior engineer now.

The Director: That sounds useful. He can come back.

Gene: And Isacas is our only other scientist. Bob's assistant. She'll probably stay up for a while to man the science lab.

The Director: That's fine I guess. Onwards, to Minmus!

------------------------------------------

Jedlo: This is Jedlo, reporting in. We've picked up the stranded Kerbal per our contract parameters. His name is Newrim, and he's a pilot.

The Director: Aaaaargh why are they always pilots?!

Gene: Excellent! Newrim, we'll be exercising finxerunt custodes with regards to your employment. Welcome to the Kerbal Space Program.

Newrim: ...

Jedlo: You can't see it, sir, but he's saluting the radio. Thank you, Newrim, that will be enough. Sir, I'll be taking the base down now. Our landing target is an equatorial site on Minmus' lesser flats.

Gene: Good work, Jedlo. Carry on.

------------------------------------------

Linley: Hey Steve, we have a problem with the science experiments.We don't happen to have any other surface equipment, right?

Steve: No, that's the last of it.

Linley:  Then we're missing the control station. The director must have forgotten to pack it.

Steve: Well that's... frankly unsurprising.

Linley: Because he's an idiot?

Steve: Because he's an idiot.

Linley: Oh well. Missing surface science isn't the worst thing in the world. We've still achieved a lot today. Isacas is out on a science collecting expedition on the RCS Hopper right now. She'll bring us plenty, not to mention the Green Sandstone we need to obtain for the contract.

Isacus: Yeah, no. I'm afraid it's olivine. It's all olivine. I couldn't find a single trace of green sandstone.

Linley: Okay then, Steve'll help you fuel up again from the base and you can try further out, right?

Steve: Yeah, sorry, but no. The fuel lines we have are all for intra-craft transfer. Refueling the hopper will require an inter-craft fuel line.

Linley: Urgh... well, at least we achieved the Base contract, right?

Jedlo: ... Guys, I have bad news.

Jedlo: Apparently, our base needs a docking port for it to qualify. The client is refusing to pay.

Linley: Oh. That is... oh. That's bad. But wait! We rescued Newrim, right? That counts for something!

Newrim: [waves]

Jedlo: Yeah, about that... the contract says we need to bring back his craft as well.

Linley: ...oh.

Jedlo: Yeah.

------------------------------------------

The Director: [rage quits]

------------------------------------------

The Director: [returns]

------------------------------------------

Jedlo: We should at least send Newrim home. Newrim, collect the experiments from Isacas and head back. You should be able to get the return pod home without much trouble, it's got plenty of d-V. Maybe the science team can use the data to cook us up something that can help us resolve these issues...

Newrim: [salutes]

------------------------------------------

Mission Goals Accomplished

• Stranded Jedlo on Minmus
• Collected 5 biomes worth of science experiments from Minmus

Mission Goals Failed

• Surface Science (no experiment control station)
• Establish a Minmus Base (No docking port)
• Scan and collect Green Sandstone (couldn't find it nearby, hopper out of mono-prop)
• Recover Newrim and Newrim's craft from orbit of Minmus (forgot the craft)
• Transmit science from space around Kerbin (completely forgot about it again)

 

•  

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

------------------------------------------

Episode 5: Fixer Upper

------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

Gene: What... what happened to R&D? It's huge!

The Director: They told me they needed money to give me bigger rockets. So I gave them money.

Gene: And they gave you...

The Director: Yeeeeessssss... [giggling]

The Director: Let's go to another planet!

Gene: No! Not this time! We've got 6 Kerbals stranded in space, just as many uncompleted contracts, and two extremely expensive moon bases that, lest I remind you, do not work. I am putting my foot down. Fix your mess!

The Director: ... you're serious.

Gene: I'm always serious it's a legitimate personality flaw.

The Director: Alright, fine. I'll get the VAB warmed up and put together something to stop you from whining.

----------------------------------------------------------

Mission Goals

• Science report from Kerbin Space
• Attach a docking port to Minmus Lesser Flats Base
• Provide a surface-science control station for Minmus Lesser Flats Base
• Refuel Minmus RCS-hopper
  • Scan Green Sandstone on Minmus
  • Return Green Sandstone to Kerbin
• Collect Newrims craft and return it to Kerbin
• Retrieve Steve, Isacas and Jedlo from Minmus.
• Test 3.75M Stack Seperator on the Mun
• Install a radio antannae on the Munar Science lab
• Retrieve Bob from Minmus.

----------------------------------------------------------

[The next morning]

Gene: I'm speechless.

The Director: Wonderful, isn't it?

Gene: Somehow, you've managed to take my simple, sensible request and turn it into the single stupidest thing I've ever seen.

Gene: Who on earth would willing fly something like this?

The Director: Valentina took one look at it at dawn and immediately tried launching it.

Gene: ... that makes an uncomfortable amount of sense. You're lucky most of our pilots have no sense of self-preservation. So did it make it to orbit okay?

The Director: Don't know. She's still doing the circularisation burn.

Gene: Still? Wow. Low thrust-to-weight ratio once the boosters fall off?

The Director: Yup.

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: [via radio] Hi Gene.

Gene: Hi Valentina. 

The Director: Aaaaaaand that's our crew report from Kerbin Space. 

The Director: Send this over to whichever rich jerk asked for it.

Gene: I feel kinda bad taking their money for that.

The Director: The people we get contracts from have billions of funds to spend on sending launch clamps to space and stranding inexperienced engineers around the Mun. I guarantee you they won't even read the transcript.

Gene: You're probably right, but I still feel bad.

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: ARGH! WHO ARE YOU TWO?

Johnuki: I am Johnuki, master of science, god of space.

Lanrim: And I'm Lanrim. We were hired by the director to rotate out the scientists on Minmus and the Mun. Wait, are you only just noticing us now?

Valentina: I had no idea you were there! Say something next time!

Steve: [pops head through airlock] Hi Valentina! Do you have the parts we ordered?

Valentina: CHEESES! What is with people sneaking up on me today?!

Steve: Found 'em! I'll refuel the hopper first.

Steve: Alright, she's fuelled. Good luck Isacas!

Isacas: Thanks. I'll bring back some green sandstone this time, mark my words. Bye!

Steve: See ya! Now what else... oh, right. The surface science control station... you've got one in the lander, right Val?

Valentina: That's right. Here you go...

----------------------------------------------------------

Isacas: Yeesssss! That's two more contracts down.

----------------------------------------------------------

Steve: And with a docking port on the base, that should complete our tasks. Haha! 

Jedlo: Thanks, Steve. I'll tell Mission Control.

----------------------------------------------------------

[Meanwhile, at Mission Control]

Gene: Thanks, Jedlo. I'll tell the client.

----------------------------------------------------------

[Meanwhile, at the client]

The Client: Thanks, Gene. I hate it.

----------------------------------------------------------

[Meanwhile, at the fourth wall]

The Director: Thanks, client. Now shut up and give me my funding or else.

----------------------------------------------------------

[Back at Mission Control]

Gene: We recieved the completion contract for the Minmus base...

The Director: That's great, Gene. We can mark that one off the list.

Gene: ... buuut, the client said something about a threatening letter pieced together from newspaper clippings demanding we pay them or suffer the consequences? You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, right?

The Director: Not a thing. I definitely didn't threaten to land a reusable Kerbodyne 3.75 meter booster stage on their house.

Gene: Um... right. Of course not. Just checking.

----------------------------------------------------------

[Back at Minmus]

Val: Alright, before we head back, let's just refuel the lander.

Steve: Is that really necessary? It's got plenty of delta-V, and the tug is still in low Minmus orbit to boot.

Val: [touristmatic flashbacks] It's necessary.

Jedlo: Very well. Now we just need to pick up Newrim's craft...

Val: Huh. It's orbiting in the opposite direction. Sweet!

Jedlo: Will that be a problem?

Val: No, it'll be good. We can decouple the side boosters on a suborbital trajectory over Minmus.

Jedlo: I'll trust your judgement, then.

Val: Now, on to the Mun! Hey Steve, snack me.

Steve: [provides snacks]

----------------------------------------------------------

Val: Now, let's go down there. Bob's waiting!

Jedlo: I believe I will never get used to timewarping.

Isacas: You know, "timewarping" is actually a misnomer, since it doesn't actually do anything to time. The scientific term is "boredom-induced relative time-dilation", or BIRTD for short.

Val: Nerd. 

Steve: Anyway, our instructions were to leaving the tug here in low munar orbit. It might be able to save us a little bit of d-V on a future mission.

Val: Sounds good. Let's go down.

Lanrim:  The director told us to test the stack seperator as soon as we landed.

Val: I remember.

Lanrim: And to make sure we did it with the staging system.

Val: I remember.

Lanrim: And to ensure Bill and Bob we're both standing underneath when we-

Val: OKAY TESTING NOW!

[BAM]

Val: Contract complete!

----------------------------------------------------------

Steve: Okay Bob, that's your new radio antannae installed.

Bob: Ooh! I'll transmit the data now.

Steve: Oh. Nevermind then.

Bob: ...

Steve: Cheer up, Bob. I'll install a gravioli detector on your rover, how about that?

Bob: ... okay.

----------------------------------------------------------

Val: And we're off again!

Bob: Wait, Valentina's flying? But I thought we had another pilot onb-

Val: LIFTOFF!

Bob: Wait, is this thing even rated for re-entry? Has it been tested? Can we let Jedlo fly the ship please?!

Val: It's fine! I'm sure a couple little parts will explode in the atmosphere, but...

Bob: Explosions are not fine!

Isacas: Bob, I brought your anti-anxiety meds. Would you like some?

Bob: Yes please!

Jedlo: Valentina, my dear friend. I appreciate what you're saying, but we have an excess of delta-V. Would you kindly slow down to a safe speed prior to re-entry, so as to calm Bob's nerves.

Val: Fine, ya' wuss.

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: That went well. We even brought back some science.

The Director: Eheheheheheeheheheh...

Gene: Oh no.

----------------------------------------------------------

Mission Goals Accomplished

• ALL OF THEM! ...

Mission Goals Failed

• ... except for getting the Munar science lab up and running (it still needs batteries)

 

•  

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 6: The Gilly Garbage Pile

(Part 1: Launch and LKO)

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

Gene: What happened to our funds? What happened to my Space Center?

The Director: I upgraded everything! No more facility upgrade costs, finally!

The Director: Also, I've got some glorious contracts for Eve!

Gene: No. We still need to dock two vessels in kerbin sp-

The Director: Did that overnight. Put up the core and a power array for the new KSS.

Gene: The heck is a KSS? But... good then, I suppose. So you're saying you got a World-first Eve Flyby mission?

The Director: No worries, I did that overnight too.

Gene: ... you did a year-long flyby mission... overnight?

The Director: Two years, actually, 'cos the planets were out of alignment. Newrim was so annoyed. He thought he was just going out to the Mun.

Gene: ...How?

The Director: Irrelevant! I got the boring jobs out of the way, so now I've got some actual good stuff lined up. You'll like it! 

Gene: Oh no.

The Director: Take a look at the contract list!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Gene: Okay, let's see what you've signed us up for. Put a telescope satellite in solar orbit... a science lab on Gilly... return from orbit... PLANT A FLAG ON EVE?!

The Director: Yup!

Gene: Is this a contract or a hitjob? Why the hell would Flooyd offer this? Why would you accept it?!

The Director:  It's easy, just add a heat-shield and a parachute.

Gene: It's suicide!

The Director: Our pilots knew what they were signing up for.

Gene: That is the opposite of true!

The Director: Anyway, come see the rocket.

Gene: [hurrying after the Director] No, I am not letting this go! Putting someone on Eve would be tantamount to murder! This is... wait, is that the rocket?

Gene: Good lord, it's bigger than the VAB doors.

The Director: Yeah, we're going to have to wriggle it a bit to get it out.

Gene: But... I mean, apart from the size, it looks like a normal rocket. I'm surprised. I thought you didn't do conventional designs. 

Mort: 399,356 funds is fairly cheap for an interplanetary mission of this scale, too.

The Director: Ew, it's one of them accountants. Gene, get me the bug spray.

Mort: Sir, I am an employee of the space program, same as you. I would ask that you treat me with digni-

[Psssshhhhh]

Mort: Arrgh, my eyes! You sprayed it in my eyes!

Gene: He's right, though. 400 thousand isn't bad. We'll make that much back with all the contracts, easily. Alright, you know what? I'm not an obstinate Kerbal. I'll actually give my go ahead this time. You may launch this rocket.

The Director: Sweet! No backsies! And you've conveniently forgotten all about the whole "murder" thing.

Gene: Wait, no, we're still not doing that!

Gene: Hang on, where's the fuel and engines to take it to Eve?

The Director: Oh, this is just the payload, though.

Gene: ... what?

The Director: We'll launch the interplanetary tug separately.

Gene: I hate you.

The Director: No, you like me. But you'll like this even more: the launch stage is re-usable. It's an SSTO.

Gene: Oh?

Gene: Okay, not gonna lie. That was impressive. You should be proud of that landing.

The Director: 98% VALUE?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 98% VALUE?! THAT WAS PERFECT! I'M PRACTICALLY ON THE FLIPPIN' LAUNCH PAD!

Gene: Or not. Up to you.

The Director: GIVE ME MY 100% YOU stand-up guyS!

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: So... I'm assuming there needs to be a second launch to attach engines to the payload.

The Director: That's right! Here you are, the Interplanetary Tug to take it to Eve.

Gene: Yeah, see, that's more like what I was expecting the first time around. Are those mainsail engines you're using as disposable boosters?

The Director: They make go big boom!

Gene: [long suffering sigh] 

Gene: Hmm. That interplanetary tug has a lot of spare Delta-V on-board. I dare say it can be refueled and sent out again after this mission. We should consider giving it a name.

The Director:  I was just going to call it the Gilly Garbage Pile.

Gene: We're not calling it that.

The Director: Aw.

Gene: Try coming up with a naming theme, like a set of concepts or mythological entities or...

The Director: Already done! I hereby name this ship...

----------------------------------------------------------

Yidhra, The Dream Witch

----------------------------------------------------------

To be continued...

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 6: The Gilly Garbage Pile

(Part 2: The Eve System)

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

Gene: Lovekraft references? Really?

The Director: I found it on wikipedia! Says here "Over time, Yidhra split herself into different aspects, though each part shares her consciousness." It fits, no?

Gene: [sigh] ... okay. So! How many of our astronauts are you sending to Eve?

The Director: All of them! As many as I can fit on board.

Gene: So... three then?

The Director: What? No thirteen. You really need to learn to count, Gene.

 

Gene: [pinches bridge of nose, or would if Kerbals had noses] Sir, have you forgotten that most of those command pods are not coming back from Eve?

The DIrector: ....

Gene: Perhaps you should launch a habitation module for the Yihdra?

The Director: ... I'll do that. Brb.

----------------------------------------------------------

While the director straps a crew compartment to a spare booster, let's meet the crew...

• Valentina - Pilot. Leader. God-empress of snacks.                                     - Personality: Balanced, but I'm pretty sure she lied to the evaluator. 
• Jedlo - Pilot. Val's second-in-command. Talks all posh like a butler.       - Personality: Accent notwithstanding, he's actually incredibly stupid.
• Newrim - Pilot. Has passed by Eve before. May be mute.                         - Personality: Brave and self-sacrificing.
• Kathner - Pilot. New hire. Seems cheerful.                                                   - Personality: Courageous idiot.
• Anlorf - Pilot. New hire. Seems shy.                                                               - Personality: Very intelligent by Kerbal standards.
   
• Bill - Engineer. Head of fixin' things.                                                               - Personality: Friendly but dumb.
• Steve - Engineer. Bill's second. Snack dispenser.                                        - Personality: Competent.
• Richdous - Engineer. Has a terrible name and a rich family.                      - Personality: Scrooge.
• Samald - Engineer. New hire. Doesn't stand out.                                         - Personality: ... who?
• Grafry - Engineer. New hire. Insisted we pack some C4.                            - Personality:  Potentially explosive.
   
• Bob - Scientist. Takes medicated snacks to cope with anxiety.                - Personality: Smart enough to know when to be scared.
• Isacas - Scientist. Bob's assistant. Gets along well with robots.               - Personality: Balanced.
• Maya - Scientist. New hire. Seems kinda twitchy.                                        - Personality: Is it paranoia if they really are out to get you?

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Alright, I'm done.

Gene: That seems like an excessive amount of fuel for such a small- actually no, I don't care. Just send it up, I want this to be done with.

The Director: Glorious! Are we good to go?

Gene: Indeed we are. As soon as the transfer windows opens up, the crew can initiate the transfer burn to Eve.

The Director: That'll be in, like, a day or two, right?

Gene: Erm...

The Director: Time, you have wronged me and you will suffer the consequences for your transgression!

Gene: What does that mean?

The Director: It means gimme a snack.

----------------------------------------------------------

[Almost a year later]

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: Alright, is everyone ready to go?

Bill: Engineering corps are ready, Val.

Jedlo: As are the pilots, ma'am.

Bob: Oh god oh god oh god we're gonna die in spaaaaaace...

Isacas: That's about as good as we're going to get, I'm afraid. Scientists ready.

Valentina: Then... here we go!

Jedlo: Valentina, if you'd be so kind, could you stop the burn just ahead of Eve?

Maya: What? Why? Why do you want us to stop the burn? Are you sabotaging the mission? Who do you work for?!

Jedlo: Please remain calm, miss. I am employed by the Kerbal Space Program. We need to deploy the asteroid telescope into a solar orbit between Kerbin and Eve. This is merely the optimal time to do so.

Valentina: And that's done. What were you saying?

Jedlo: Excellent work, Lady Valentina.

Valentina: Alright then. Let's do the timewarp!

----------------------------------------------------------

[185 days later]

----------------------------------------------------------

Kathner: I see it! I see Eve! IT'S PINK!

Anlorf: Yes Kath, it is. The pink colour is caused by the purple-hued hydrocarbons in the atmosphere.

Maya: That's a lie. It's actually to hide the secret government Eve base from prying eyes.

Steve: Isn't KSP a government organisation, though?

Grafry: Does Kerbin even have a government?

Maya: Dunno, but the aliens who control everything definitely do.

Richdous: Pff. What nonsense. Money is what makes the world go round, my friend. Not aliens.

Anlorf: No, that would be orbital physics. I would have expected the both of you to know this, given who your employer is.

Kathner: The clouds are so pretty!

Anlorf: ... yes Kath, they are.

Jedlo: Hmm. Well, we're not going to get an intercept on the way in, but it looks like we can capture Gilly fairly easily after one orbit.

Val: How long will that be?

Jedlo: At this distance... 77 days.

Val: Boring. Steve, snack me!

Steve: [snacks her]

----------------------------------------------------------

[77 days later]

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: Nice! I'll deploy the mapping probe, and then we can work on our landing procedure.

Bill: Alright, my friends! We have got 4 wonderful landers here, but the one at the front that needs to be detached first is an Eve science lander. Come! Let us decide who gets the honour of being the first to land on another planet!

Almost Everyone: Not it!

Bob: Not i- oh god. Oh god no.

Valentina: No, no, we can't send Bob. He's the only I trust to do atmospheric science while dangling from the outside of the ship during re-entry.

Bob: [crying kerbal noises]

Richdous: What about Maya? She can do science and she's a new hire.

Maya: I knew it! You're working with them! You'll never take me alive!

Valentina: Nah, we're probably not going to get the experiments back anyway. We should send someone useless.

Bill: What, like a certain pilot? [stares pointedly at Valentina]

Newrim: [mimes willingness to sacrifice himself for the good of the mission]

Kathner: No! I won't let you take my muteboi! I'll do it! Send me instead!

Valentina: I was thinking a certain engineer. [stares pointedly at Bill]

Richdous: Well, I'm not going. Sacrificing oneself is poor people work.

Anlorf: Hang on guys. Shouldn't there be 13 of us? Who's missing?

Bill: What?

[decoupler noises]

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: That is the bravest Kerbal I have ever known.

Bill: Her name will be remembered in history.

Newrim: [salutes]

Anlorf: ... none of you remember her name, do you?

Valentina: Nope.

Bob: I think it started with an S?

Anlorf: You're all terrible people.

----------------------------------------------------------

In truth, Samald just wanted to get away from all the arguing. Years in space with that bunch of idiots had made her long for some time alone. She expected waiting for rescue on Eve to be be peaceful and quiet by comparison.

She entered Eve's atmosphere at Mach-13, and instantly regretted not taking any piloting courses. The hopper kept wanting to tip over and expose her pod to the atmosphere, but after struggling with the controls for a few minutes she managed to safely slow down and begin a controlled, albeit upside-down, approach through the cloud layer.

One successful landing later, Samald transmitted what science her lander's batteries would allow and completed the flag-planting mission assigned to her, before settling in for a long wait. 

----------------------------------------------------------

[meanwhile, back at Gilly]

Valentina: I meant to do that!

Jedlo: No you didn't you sat on the staging button!

Valentina: Don't test me right now, Jed!

Bill: Alright my friendly friends, everybody aboard the wheeled base! We're landing now!

Steve: At least one pilot per ship, please. None of them have probe cores.

----------------------------------------------------------

Ghisguth base

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: What?

The Director: That's the name of the Gilly base. Ghisguth. Also, I'm renaming the bases on the Mun and Minmus.

Gene: But why though?

The Director: The one on the Mun will be called Mynoghra, and the Lesser Flats base on Minmus will be called Lexur'iga.

Gene: Nobody is going to remember those names.

The Director: Lexur'iga Base can be remembered by a photophobic bat-winged monstrosity, with a thousand-eyed head and huge maws.

Gene: We need to revoke your wikipedia privileges immediately.

----------------------------------------------------------

Isacas: I've got experience with science hoppers, so I'll take it out to the other biomes.

Steve: Be careful! This one doesn't have stability assist like the other one did.

Isacas: Oh come now! How hard can it be to keep a little ship like that under control?

Isacas: Oh. Well, this is going to be an interesting day.

Bill: Kathner, you wonderful Kerbal! Can you help me with the Ore extractor?

Kathner: Sure thing! What do you need?

Bill: Just keep it upright. It's a bit... bouncy on those landing legs in the low gravity.

Kathner: Ooh! Ore's! Bill, we got ores! Yay!

Bill: ... 0.02 units? ... my friend, you've been running this thing for hours, what happened?

Kathner: Dunno! There's a little blinky red light next to this fire symbol, tho? 

Bill: It's overheating? Turn it off! Turn it off!

Kathner: It's been doing that for hours now. It's fine.

Bill: ... how unfortunate. We'll leave it running until the next transfer window, I guess. Maybe there will be enough ore by then.

Kathner: Probably not!

Bill: Probably not...

----------------------------------------------------------

OOC: The game wouldn't sign off on the base being completed, so I had to edit the save again. I think if you attach a base that meets the criteria (antanae/power/docking port) with one that doesn't, it prevents it from being used to complete the contract. I'm not going to make a thing of it, I'll just quietly edit the save when I need to.

The ore problem, on the other hand, was my own fault. Can't believe I forgot the cooling system! This is why we should always test our crafts on Kerbin first.

A final note of warning about Gilly: don't put landing legs on your Gilly Landers. During quickload or vessel switching there's a chance that anything on landing legs will be treated as suborbital and will collide with Gilly and vanish without a trace, resulting in the loss of the craft and any Kerbals inside.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Hang on, the Mobile processing lab can level up kerbals without returning to Kerbin, right? And higher level engineers get an ore buff!

Gene: Level up? Buff? I have no idea what you're saying right now.

The Director: Hey Val, get Bill! Get Bill and bring him to the lab!

Valentina: Done.

Bill: Wait how did I get here?

The Director: Level up!

Bill: Ah, Director! I'm happy to hear from you. What's do you need, my friend?

The Director: Bill, go and pilot the extractor! Make it go faster! Paint it red if you have to!

Bill: Certainly, sir. There's probably some optimizations I can make. I do my best!

[Bill leaves]

The Director: You know, I was planning on stranding him on one of Kerbin's moons the way we did with Jebediah, but the guy is growing on me.

Gene: Jebediah's not stranded, he's overseeing the Mun Canyon B-

The Director: Ah!

Gene: [sigh] ... Mynoghra Base.

The Director: Yes.

----------------------------------------------------------

[A couple hundred days later...]

Bill: We did it! We have enough ore to complete the mission!

Valentina: Ballin'!

Bill: Kathner my friendly friend, will you do the honours?

Kathner: Yay! Wait what do I have to do, I wasn't paying attention.

Steve:  You've just got to put it in Eve orbit. 36 m/s should do it. Or just leave the throttle on, I'm sure it'll work out somehow. Make sure you jet back down once it's on an escape trajectory.

Valentina: Alright! Now we just need to get everyone back aboard the Yihdra, transmit the science we got from our base work here, and await the transfer window to burn back to Kerbin...

Valentina: Hey Bob, want to visit Eve for a bit of science before we head home?

Bob: W- we can't, Val. We don't have any science modules on the return vessel.

Valentina: Good point! Give me a second...

[claw noises]

Valentina: And now we do. Let's go graze the top of Eve's atmosphere!

Bob: W-w-w-wait, you never said anything about...

Bob: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Valentina: Hey, Bob, when you're done screaming, can you get out and do the gravity scans for a bunch of Eve's biomes? We should get as much science as possible while we're here.

Bob: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Valentina: In your own time. No rush.

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: Time to leave! Say goodbye to Eve, everyone.

Kathner: Bye Eve!

Jedlo: I'm sorry to report, Miss Valentina, but it looks like our orbit is no longer aligned with Eve's prograde direction.

Valentina: Oh, right. Eve orbit's the sun. Duh! Oh well, no matter. We have plenty of delta-V.

Jedlo: Our instruments say we have 26 m/s.

Valentina: Huh. That's weird. Probably an instrument error, nothing to worry about.

Jedlo: Also, our engines appear to have spontaneously grown new shrouds.

Valentina: Stop complaining Jed, it's not helping!

----------------------------------------------------------

OOC: Uh oh. I think I might be reaching mod critical mass. Random things are starting to spaz out.

The engine plumes that came with Kerbal Atomics look nice, though.

Gene: They're back in Low Kerbin Orbit. What's the plan for bringing them home?

The Director: Oh. Right. Bringing them home. We'd need parachutes for that, wouldn't we?

Gene: Oh. The craft has no return module...

The Director: Bingo!

Gene: Permission to launch a conventional rocket to bring them home?

The Director: Eh. Less work for me. Do it.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: I think that went pretty well. Look at all this delicious science!

Gene: Well, there is still one issue remaining, sir.

The Director: Issue?

Gene: The world-first contract stipulated we return a vessel from Eve orbit, sir. Not Kerbals.

The Director: ... MOTHER OF A-

----------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue

Gene: That's a very shallow launch profile you're using there.

The Director: Gotta go fast!

Gene: Are you sure the probe core will be able to stand up to the... oh, no, there it goes.

The Director: It's fine, Bill can pilot it the rest of the way.

Gene: Bill couldn't pilot his way out of a paper bag.

The Director: It's fine, he just needs to reach orbit. The Yihra can rendezvous and dock.

Gene: True.

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: He's attached the parachutes to the science module. 

The Director: Good. Get bill to use RCS to de-orbit.

Gene: You're assuming he can keep it pointing retrograde for more than a few seconds. Also, you know the science module is not rated for re-entry, right?

The Director: The contract says "returned from Eve orbit". It doesn't say "intact".

The Director: Nailed it. Now can I bask in my science, finally?

Gene: Now you can bask, yes.

The Director: Sweeeeeet.

The Director: If I never have to hear anything about Eve again it'll be too soon.

Gene: Nope. You still need to go and get Samald back. I told you I wouldn't let it go. I'm not letting you leave her there.

The Director: Dammit.

Gene: Besides, the WFRKS agree's with me, see?

The Director: Well, I could just wait three days and they'll offer a new one...

Gene: No!

The Director: Fiiiiine. But not straight away. I've got something I want to do first...

Gene: That's okay. We have a year before the next transfer window.  Just... try not to bankrupt us before we can bring Samald home, please?

The Director: No promises are made!

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 7: Massively Mining Minmus

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

Gene: Whoa. That's not a rocket. That's a building. I'm pretty sure it's bumping the rafters.

The Director: 6 buildings, actually! It's a mining base for Minmus. 4 fuel tanks, a mining drill, and a central command.

Gene: Does it need to be so big?

The Director: [cocks head to one side] ... not sure I follow.

Gene: Nevermind. So you're sure it can make orbit?

The Director: It already has!

Gene: Of course it has. So, where is it heading?

The Director: Well, we've already got a base on the Lesser Flat's, so I figured putting it on the Greater Flat's would be optimal.

Gene: Ah. You may want to revise that plan. I figured we'd be setting up a mining outpost on Minmus sooner or later, so I've been looking over the biome data. Minmus' lesser flat's have the greatest concentration of ore on the body.

The Director: What? But there's only one place where the lesser flat's intersect with the equator.

Gene: Exactly. Quite by co-incidence, Lexur'iga base is positioned in exactly the perfect place for a mining operation.

The Director: But I can't land next to the existing base! The build has a ridiculous number of parts as it is! It'll ruin my load times!

Gene: Um... what?

The Director: Although... pretty sure I saw Grafry get aboard.

Gene: The pyromaniac?

The Director: That's the one. She usually has some spare C4 on her. Perhaps we can come up with an... inventive solution.

Gene: I'm not letting you and Grafry blow up Lexur'iga base.

The Director: [puppy dog eyes]

Gene: No! That base is a historical artifact. You're not blowing it up.

The Director: ... okay, fine.

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: [phone beeps] Huh. Kathner sent a photo through the Minmus relay. Wow. Seeing it next to Lexur'iga base... it's bigger than I realized.

The Director: It is magnificent, yes.

Gene: So, I assume it has to be dismantled now. How are you going to do that?

The Director: That's why I sent up an Engineer and a Pilot. Kathner and Grafry will handle it.

Gene: So basically you're washing your hands of the whole thing.

The Director: Nobody likes a smartass, Gene.

----------------------------------------------------------

Grafry: Kathner, how's it going?

Kathner: Easy peasy! There's basically no gravity here! I've already got the shiny gold tank down.

Kathner: Oh dang it. The white tank won't come off! It says it's detached, but it's lifting the whole stack when I try.

Grafry: Need me to blow it up?

Kathner: Why, that's just crazy enough to work, probably! Go for it!

Grafry: Yessss!

Grafry: Darkness blacker than black and darker than dark, I beseech thee...

Kathner: No references!

Grafry: Aw.

Kathner: ... okay, you get one.

Grafry: EXPLOOOOSIIIOON!

Kathner: Alright, now to get the fancy looking ones out. Gotta be careful not to bump the radio dish on the roof. Don't wanna break it.

Grafry: The monopropellant tank literally bounced off of it on the way down.

Kathner: Well, I'm sure it's fine. Aaand down.

Grafry: That thing's fancy. Would probably explode real nice.

Kathner: Hee! Let's unfold it in a moment. Bringin' down the drill thingy now.

Kathner: Okay, now let's unfold it!

Grafry: No, wait, there's still a strut attac-

Kathner: Oh. Oh I did a bad.

----------------------------------------------------------

F9

----------------------------------------------------------

Kathner: Okay, now let's unfold it!

Grafry: Finish the base first, doofus! You've still gotta move the two big fuel tanks.

Kathner: Right. Work first.

Kathner: Alright, now we unfold the main array! Boop!

[whirring machinery noises]

Grafry: [low whistle] Did you see the whole base bounce when it reached the apex?

Kathner: Just like the bouncy castle I got on my birthday!

Grafry: When you were a kid, right?

Kathner: Last month, actually.

Grafry: Right. That would never have worked in Kerbin gravity, anyway. Way too much weight for it to stand up on it's own.

Kathner: I liked the part where the pretty lights came on.

Grafry: So... how are we getting home?

Kathner: Um...

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: So, what now?

The Director: Oh, I'll send up a refueler at some point. I got bored of that anyway. I'm working on the Eve lander to bring Samald back.

Gene: Really?

The Director: Did you know it takes a bigger rocket to escape Eve than to get off Kerbin? And we have to get it there in the first place! This is going to be fun!

Gene: It's going to be absurdly oversize, isn't it?

The Director: Better than the alternative!

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 7: Massively Mining Minmus

(Part 2: Refueling Rover)

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

Gene: That's new. What's that?

The Director: Minmus refueling rover.

Gene: I thought you were working on getting Samald back to Kerbin?

The Director: Got bored again. Doing holistic tests on the Eve lander's staging sequence got old.

Gene: Holistic tests? How do you holistically test an Eve lander?

The Director: How else? Ram it into Kerbin's atmosphere vertically at interplanetary velocities.

Gene: ... please tell me nobody was onboard for that, at least.

The Director: Valentina volunteered.

Gene: Of course she did. Alright, for the sake of what little remains of my sanity, let's change the topic. Tell me about this refueling rover. From what I can see, the design looks good. Big, but good.

The Director:  Looks good? You're not going to complain about it being oversized?

Gene: Larger payloads mean fewer trips and less chance for error.

The Director: Um... could you call it unimaginably stupid or something? This feels weird.

Gene: No, I quite like the design. I think we can make use of it to refuel the interplanetary tug in time for the Eve transfer window.

The Director: Fine then! I'll send it to Minmus immediately!

Gene: Immediately? Wait, what about the lifting stage?

The Director: It's already on the launchpad.

Gene: YOU'RE PUTTING IT INTO ORBIT SIDEWAYS? YOU'RE INSANE!

The Director: Ah, there you are Gene! I was getting worried for a moment there. Alright folks, launch!

Gene: What, no!

The Director: Yes!

The Director: ... Geez. I should probably have given it more SAS. Or RCS. Or gimbals. Or anything, really. Point is, it's sluggish and painful to fly.

Gene: You built it, you fly it. Only seems fair.

The Director: And the mining base takes forever to load in, too. I put way too many parts on that. Maybe I should just tell Grafry to blow it up and replace it?

Gene: I don't fully understand what you're talking about, but in theory you could simplify the base by telling Grafry which parts to detach and dispose of safely.

The Director: Urgh. That would be a waste of my unimaginably valuable time. I could be doing important work instead!

Gene: Like, oh I dunno, refueling the interplanetary tug so we can get Samald back?

The Director: You're being clever again, Gene. Stop it.

The Director: Oh. Scary thought: I've never actually lifted it with a full tank of fuel. What if the terrier engines can't do it?

Gene: Are you going to spend this whole mission complaining?

The Director: Oh god, I'm becoming you.

Gene: No, you're really not. Did you remember to tell everyone to get on board for transfer to orbit?

The Director: Yup. 4 kerbals, the entire population of Minmus, ready for launch. Fingers crossed.

The Director: It works! Barely! God, this is so painful!

The Director: Argh! It shouldn't take this long to reach Minmus orbit!

Gene: Heh, I'm actually enjoying watching you suffer for once. Usually I'm the one doing that.

The Director: You shut your hole you sadistic little creep!

Gene: Oh hey, here's a fun thought. I wonder how well it'll dock?

The Director: Oh god please no.

[two very slow docking procedures and one timewarp-induced spontaneous disassembly later]

Gene: Hahaha! This is taking forever.

The Director: Please. End my pain.

Gene: Remember to land it back on Minmus when you're done!

The Director: Haaaaaatttteee!

Gene: Oh look. The Kerbals forgot to get off before you landed. Guess you'll have to go back up again.

The Director: [incomprehensible troll-noises]

Gene: This is great.

The Director: Gonna blow it up! We're gonna blow it all up and start over!

Gene: Okay, that's enough, calm down.

The Director: No I'm serious! Get Grafry on the horn!

Gene: Do you want to show me the Eve lander? I can tell you all about how stupid looking it is, how does that sound?

The Director: ...

Gene: Come on, you know you want to.

The Director: ...  can I launch it without your permission, too?

Gene: You're going to anyway, I'm sure.

The Director: ... okaaaay.

Gene: There's a good director. [pat pat]

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 8: Saving Samald

(Part 1)

----------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Spoiler

 

The Director: So this is it.

Gene: It... uh... it looks ridiculous with that enormous payload and tiny lifting stage, and I dread to think what horrors you've hidden under that fairing!

The Director: Thank's for trying.

Gene: Come on, cheer up. So are you going to launch it now? For glory or something?

The Director: Yeah. Actually, yeah! For glory. In space! SPACE GLORY!

Gene: That's more like it.

Gene: That's... a remarkably shallow gravity turn.

The Director: Silly Gene, this isn't a gravity turn, this is the transfer to Minmus.

Gene: What? But you're still in the atmosphere! The fairings are going to overheat!

The Director: This way I can leave the lifter stage on a sub-orbital trajectory. No debris!

Gene: Why do you suddenly care about that?

The Director: I don't, I just thought it would be fun.

Gene: Oh god, what have I done?

Gene: Hold up, I thought you were going to use the Interplanetary Tug we used last time?

The Director: I am.

Gene: Then why does it have a liquid hydrogen interplanetary stage?

The Director: Oh, that's just for the trip out to Minmus.

Gene: ... but you just made it to Minmus entirely with the lifting stage...

The Director: Well, we still need to rendezvous. We'll leave the hydrogen tank there.

The Director: Alright, now we can go to Eve!

Gene: Nope. You need to crew it. I'm not having us missing a burn because the comm relay was on the wrong side of Eve.

The Director: But...

Gene: No buts! Get that refueler back up there with a crew.

The Director: Uuuuuurrrrgh...

The Director: Alright, I've put Linley and Johnuki in charge. They need the experience. Now can we go?

Gene: Yes, now we can go. Once the transfer window arrives

The Director: Dammit!

----------------------------------------------------------

[One year later]

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Aaaaaaand we're off! Let's get a quick gravity assist from the Mun before we go...

Gene: Cheeses that's close!

The Director: Scary, ain't it? Now we do the correction burn in solar orbit, and circularize in low Eve orbit.

Gene: Why does the clock say three years have passed?

The Director: Minor error on the correction burn. Also it took three passes to circularize. Disadvantages of nuclear engines.

Gene: Leaving Samald on Eve for three years is not minor!

The Director: We can debate semantics later. For now, let's put Johnuki into Eve's atmosphere.

Gene: Johnuki? The scientist?

The Director: Yeah, we've got probe cores so pilots are basically useless at this point, but Johnuki can do do atmospheric science during re-entry!

Gene: Please don't make him get an EVA report from Eve's upper atmosphere.

The Director: But that's the best part!

The Director: Hoo boy. Getting hot on re-entry. I wasn't expecting the heat shield to suffer like that.

Gene: You've got this, right? You're sure it'll work?

The Director: I crashed it into Kerbin at max speed and never saw temperatures like this. Eve is scary.

Gene: But seriously, though, you've got this?

The Director: Yeah, look, it's slowing down now. Johnuki lives another day.

Johnuki: Johnuki lives! No pitiful purple planet can kill the great Johnuki!

Gene: Oh thank goodness. Hi Johnuki. How's things going down there?

Johnuki: Things are ascending towards Johnuki! 

Gene: You mean to say you're descending towards the planet?

Johnuki: No! Johnuki's is the superior reference frame, because it is the one that contains Johnuki!

Gene: Sure. Okay then.

Johnuki: Johnuki has landed!

Gene: 60 km away from Samald, I see. That's going to be quite the hike.

The Director: Don't worry, I have a plan! Johnuki! Deploy the miniplane!

The Director: Ain't it cute?

Gene: It barely looks big enough for one kerbal.

The Director: Precisely! It barely is big enough for one kerbal! But it's remote controlled and runs entirely on solar power, so it can basically go anywhere on Eve.

Gene: Oh. Suddenly I like it.

The Director: Thought you would. Let's go get Samald.

Gene: Why are you landing it with a parachute?

The Director: Don't tell Samald, but I've never actually managed to land it legitimately here on Kerbin.

Gene: Oh. Suddenly I hate it again.

The Director: Relax. It's an engineers plane. Sam can repack the parachute. Speaking of whom... what's she doing?

Gene: I have no idea.

The Director: Maybe 3 years on Eve drove her completely around the bend?

Gene: We'd better hope not. This Eve rescue mission caught the media's attention. It could ruin our reputation if she comes back nuts.

The Director: Oh, hang on...

The Director: No, she's fine. She was just getting the science out of the pod.

Gene: Oh, I see. Because someone forgot to put a ladder on the lander when they stranded her there for 3 years..

The Director: I sense passive aggression in the air.

Gene: Alright. She's on board. She's coming back. Can we actually talk to her or anything?

The Director: Does it look like there's room for speakers on that thing?

Gene: Okay, what's happening now?

The Director: She's just flying around the lowlands. What's she doing? Oop! She's popped the chute! What's she up to now?

Gene: Oh! Rock collecting!

The Director: Sweet! More science!

The Director: She's popped the chute again.

Gene: Again? 

The Director: Oh, I know what it's about this time. I picked up a mission before we left to "splash down" on Eve. I figure gently rolling into the sea should be good enough.

Gene: Is that thing waterproof?

The Director: Shows what you know, Gene! Eve's ocean's aren't made of water.

Gene: [sigh]

Gene: That expression. Is she... enjoying herself?

The Director: I have no idea.

The Director: Uh oh.

Gene: What now?

The Director: She forgot to pack the parachute.

Gene: ... the one you said was essential for landing?

The Director: Yup. There's absolutely no way to land now.

Gene: Well.. for an engineer she's been surprisingly good at science so far. Maybe she's a competent pilot as well?

The Director: Nope. That thing's super sensitive and it's minimum speed is, like, a billion kilometers per hour. I wasn't able to land after loads of tries. There's no way she's that good. It's impossible.

Gene: Uh...

[silence]

Gene: When she gets back, I'm giving her a raise.

The Director: Pff- what a showoff.

----------------------------------------------------------

Johnuki: Johnuki greets you, Samald! I am here to save you!

Samald: ...

Johnuki: Johnuki understands entirely! Let us leave this terrible place! Ejecting unnecessary weight!

Gene: Why did the parachutes explode?

The Director: Oh, I fill most of our parachutes with C4.

Gene: why?

The Director: Better question is, why did that landing strut explode? I don't remember putting anything in it.

Gene: Does it matter? They're about to leave. 

The Director: Point.

----------------------------------------------------------

Johnuki: Ejecting additional weight! Samald, I demand you attach a nose cone for aerodynamic stability and the glory of Johnuki!

Samald: ... [engineering noises]

The Director: They're ready for launch!

Johnuki: We're ready for launch!

Gene: Good work, Johnuki. Sam, it's so good to see you safe. Let's get you home, my friend. You've been on Eve long enough.

Samald: [nods]

Johnuki: Johnuki launching in t-minus five seconds!

Johnuki: Four seconds!

Johnuki: Three!

Johnuki: Two!

Johnuki: One!

Johnuki: Lif-

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 9: Saving Samald, again. Also Johnuki.

(Part 1)

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

Gene: What happened?! Are they okay? Are they dead?! Oh god, I can't reach them. Director? What on Kerbin just happened?!

The Director: Gimme a minute.

Gene: Sir, this is a crisis! We need you to focus right now!

The Director: Neeaaarly got it.

Gene: What are you doing?

The Director: Installing hyperedit for a few tests. Don't worry, I'll only use it for testing.

Gene: What are you-

The Director: Alright, that's done. Here we go, let's try that again.

.----------------------------------------------------------

F9

----------------------------------------------------------

Johnuki: Three!

Johnuki: Two!

Gene: Why are you frantically playing with the staging interface?

The Director: Nothing!

Johnuki: One!

Johnuki: Lift off!

Johnuki: ... lift off?

Gene: W- what's happening right now? It's not going anywhere. Is it caught on something? ... director? What do you know about this?

The Director: So, funny story. Y'know how Eve surface gravity is 1.7 times what Kerbin's is?

Gene: Yeeessssss... ?

The Director: I didn't. I thought it was 1.2. Maybe 1.4 at most.

Gene [long, awkward pause]

Gene: Are you telling me they don't have enough thrust to lift off?!

The Director: That may, in fact, be what I am telling you. Yes.

Gene: Didn't you do any math on this whatsoever?!

The Director: Hey, that lander has enough delta V to escape Kerbin's SOI vertically! I figured that'd be enough!

Gene: Apparently not!

The Director: Well I know that now!

Gene: [grit's teeth] Okay. What do we do, then? How are you going to fix this?

The Director: Well, originally I was just going to ship them a box of engines and have them install them.

Gene: But?

The Director: But it turns out vector engines are heavy. Also, I'm pretty sure we don't have enough fuel anyway.

Gene: Did you do any tests on this lander whatsoever?

The Director: It works on Kerbin!

Gene: It's not on Kerbin anymore!

Gene: So what's your plan?! So far, this whole mission has been an abject failure! You've done nothing except double the number of stranded Kerbals on Eve!

The Director: Well I mean, I did put Linley in low Eve orbit in an interplanetary tug...

Gene: That is not relevant right now.

The Director: I disagree, and I will show you why now. Ta da!

The Director: It's a new Eve lander!

Gene: It's nearly two million dollars in the form of a massive pile of garbage.

The Director: That too.

Gene: But.. [sigh]... we need to get them home. By any means necessary. Spend what you have to.

The Director: Well in that case, I'll strap on a few more 'Freya' boosters before we-

Gene: Just... launch it before I change my mind.

The Director: Already doin'!

Gene: I know hydrogen fuel isn't very dense, but that's still a pretty big interplanetary stage.

The Director: No, no. The central booster is the interplanetary stage. We're already burning for Eve.

Gene: Then what is all the hydrogen for?

The Director: Massive suicide burn.

Gene: Massive- are you planning on entering Eve's atmosphere vertically?

The Director: That's right. Makes it way easier to aim on the way in.

Gene: I'd call this nuts... but you have the delta-V for it. I'll allow it.

The Director: Silence, minion! The burn is starting. I must concentrate.

Gene: Starting? But... when did... what?

Gene: Oh crap! Re-entry in 5 seconds sir! Four! Three!

The Director: Detaching suicide burn engines! Inflating heat shields!

Gene: Cutting it a bit close, don't you think?

The Director: Just in time for the fireworks!

The Director: From here everything should be fine.

Gene: Was it really a good idea to land on the dark side of Eve without lights on the craft?

The Director: It's a parachute landing. Those are simple. It'll be fine, I'm sure.

Gene: Telemetry says the ship is oriented horizontally and spinning rapidly right now.

The Director: ... it'll be fine once the parachutes fully open, I'm sure.

Gene: And now it looks like the craft is descending too rapidly and the heat shields aren't coming away from it.

The Director: I can deal with that! Opening the landing gear.

Gene: Oh crap!

Gene: [stressed] It stopped descending. It stopped descending and nothing else exploded! Thank goodness. It's landed.

The Director: See? Told you everything would be fine. And we're even within sight of the original landing area, see?

Gene: It's dark. I don't see anything.

The Director: Oh, right. Give me a snack, would you?

Gene: Here.

The Director: See? Nailed it.

---------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 9: Saving Samald, again. Also Johnuki.

(Part 2)

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

Samald, having spotted last nights fireworks, took the miniplane out to visit the crash landing site that morning. Luckily for her and Johnuki's chances of actually getting off Eve, everything looks to be intact.

The plan was for the miniplane to fly back and pick up Johnuki, but detaching the comm relay dish from the lander to save on weight was not without consequences. Without a kerbnet connection, the miniplane is no longer capable of autonomous flight.

Johnuki: A mere 1.4 kilometers is no obstacle for the great Johnuki, god of science, emperor of Eve! I shall walk!

Johnuki: Wait, no, I forgot the science!

Johnuki: Okay, got the science. Now we walk! Ooh, a weird rock!

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: What are you doing right now?

The Director: Hating the life decisions that lead me to this moment. Kerbals are not fast.

Gene: ...

The Director: Booooorrrred!

----------------------------------------------------------

Johnuki: Johnuki has arrived!!

Samald quickly showed Johnuki around the lander and got his help putting out the surface science she'd found in the lander's lockers, alongside a post-it note saying "set these up". They noted that the kit included an ionograph that wouldn't work in the atmosphere instead of a weather analyser, but set it up anyway to take the weight out of the lander.

The also discussed why the lander had a single rover wheel, as well as the philosophical meaning of the post-it note attached to it saying "test in flight plz".

After agreeing that everything was completed, Johnuki and Samald got under the fairing and prepared for the final launch.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: They ready for launch! Let's go!

Gene: Telemetry reporting fuel cells on! Propeller torque rising! Here we go! 3... 2... 1... Lift off!

The Director: Whoops! Retracting ladders... 

The Director: Performing in-flight testing...

Gene: In-flight testing? What do you mean by... wait, is that a wheel?

The Director: You saw nothing! Ejecting unnecessary weight!

Gene: We're above the clouds. Atmosphere is thinning. I doubt the propellers can take us much higher.

The Director: Prepare to fire rockets!

Gene: Oh god I hope this works. You did test this one, right?

The Director: Yup!

Gene: And it works?

The Director: Eh, 50-50.

Gene: That's not reassuring!

The Director: Here we go! Firing rocket stage! Ejecting propellers!

Gene: [biting fingernails. Wait, Kerbals don't have fingernails. Biting fingers] We've got heat effects!

The Director: Dammit why is this atmosphere still so dang thick?!

Gene: Atmosphere thinning! They're just about to space!

The Director: That's only half way there! Still gotta get into orbit and rendevouz!

Gene: Don't screw this up!

The Director: I know! I don't want to do this again!

Gene: Also, they'd die.

The Director: Also that.

[tense silence... and then...]

Gene: Orbit! We have orbital velocity! Johnuki and Samald are officially off Eve!

Mission Control: [breaks into loud cheering]

Gene: [falls back into seat, breaking out into relieved laughter] We did it.

The Director: Sorry Gene. Not yet. Look at the orbits...

Gene: Oh. Does the interplanetary tug have enough delta-V to perform that inclination change?

The Director: Not if you want them to come back to Kerbin.

Gene: ...

The Director: But I have a plan! I'll use the last of the fuel in the lander to raise it's apoapsis and we'll perform the rendezvous at a higher altitude.

Gene: ... That'll ruin our ejection burn.

The Director: Not if we burn in the right direction. I think we're roughly lined up with the ejection angle we'll need.

Gene: Okay, do it.

Linley: John! Sam! Great to see you finally off of Eve!

Johnuki: Greetings, friend Linley!

Samald: [happy kerbal noises]

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: Rendevouz successful. Plenty of d-V leftover. Should be able to bring them home as soon as the next transfer window arrives.

The Director: When's that?

Gene: One year, fifty-nine days.

The Director: Uuuuurrgh... [pulls out a snack]

----------------------------------------------------------

[One year, fifty-nine days later]

----------------------------------------------------------

Linley: Say goodbye to Eve, folks! Hope you got some happy memories there.

Samald: [one-finger salute]

Linley: Let's go home!

----------------------------------------------------------

[A bunch more days later]

----------------------------------------------------------

Linley: Circularizing now. Welcome back to Kerbin space, folks.

Gene: There's no parachutes on the lander. We'll have to send up a retrieval rocket like last time.

The Director: Yeah no screw that.

Gene: W- what are you doing?

The Director: Bringing them home.

Gene: You can't! That thing has no parachute's! It's not even rated for re-entry! 

The Director: It'll be fine.

Gene: Oh no no no no, they're burning up!

The Director: Situation is nominal.

Gene: Situation does not look nominal!

The Director: This is fine.

Gene: Crap crap crap crap- they survived re-entry but now they're in a freefall!

The Director: Still fine. Samald should be doing the thing around about now.

Gene: What thing?

The Director: That thing.

Gene: They're still coming in too hot!

The Director: Oh. So they are. And I've got no control. Whoops.

Gene: Whoops? Whoops?!

The Director: Commence lithobraking in three- two- one-

----------------------------------------------------------

[One lithobraking-induced spontanious disassembly later]

----------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Mission Accomplished! Flawless victory!

Gene: [neurotic breakdown]

 

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 10: Duna Comm-Network

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

The Director: That went well. I wonder if we could do a manned mission to the bottom of Laythe's oceans...

Gene: [snap] THAT'S IT! NO MORE! I AM OFFICIALLY INVOKING OUR ORGANISATIONAL CHARTER!

The Director: We have a charter?

Gene: Yes, and it states that mission control has the right to veto any launch that doesn't meet our organisations standards!

The Director: And you haven't used it yet? Those standards must be terrible.

Gene: They are! But since you've never read them, you have no basis to refuse me.

The Director: Pah! You think your pitiful loophole can defeat me? All I need to do is read the charter!

Gene: It's 2200 pages long and really boring.

The Director: Curses! Foiled again!

Gene: Buuuut, if you can prove to me that you are capable of running an actual space mission, I'll consider re-instating your crewed mission privileges.

The Director: Fine, then. You win. What do I need to do?

Gene: Really? Oh, wow. I wasn't actually expecting that.

The Director: Anything's better than reading that charter thing.

Gene: Alright! In that case, I'll ask you to deploy a comm-sat network around Duna. Something with reasonable coverage, so that we can send a few unmanned science missions without running into the same problems we saw with the Miniplane on Eve. 6 probes would be ideal.

The Director: 6 probes? I can do that.

Gene: I'll be scoring you on this mission. Do well and I'll let you run crewed missions again.

The Director: Alright then. I will meet you in the VAB.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Alright, here's your crappy lil' probe rocket.

Gene: Are you up to something? That seems like an... excessive amount of delta-V for a trip to Duna.

The Director: No it's what you asked for. 6 probes and a delivery system, just like you said.

Gene: ... so remove the Freya boosters. I'm pretty sure you can get away with it..

The Director: *gasp* B- b- b- but- *sobs*

Gene: ... are you... crying? Okay, fine, stop, geez! Keep the Freya boosters.

The Director: Yey!

Gene: Those things are insane.

The Director: They're the best boosters around, nothing's ever gonna keep them down.

Gene: Smaller boosters have a place in rocket science too, you know.

The Director: I suppose that's true, actually.

Gene: Yes! If you carefully calculate the amount of Delta-V you'll need...

The Director: No, I meant 'cause you can fit them in between the big boosters.

Gene: ...

The Director: That's orbit.

The Director: Alright, I'm blowing the fairings on the motherships relay dish. It's on a hinge so we can unfold it for communication.

Gene: Okay. That makes sense, given the size of the dish.

The Director: Gotta remember to stow it for burns, though. Sticking it out like that leaves the whole ship a bit unbalanced.

Gene: Noted.

The Director: That's good design, right? It counts towards my score?

Gene: So long as you remember to follow your own rules and stow it for each burn, sure.

The Director: Alright, burning for Duna.

----------------------------------------------------------

[One trip to Duna later]

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: I'm releasing the main booster stage on approach to Duna. It'll crash. Keeping space clear of debris is good practice, right?

Gene: That is true, though I'm scoring you down for it still having half a tank of fuel left in it. You really should have gotten rid of those Freya boosters, you didn't need them.

The Director: I disagree, but I'll take your opinion on board.

Gene: Will you really, though?

The Director: ... no. No I won't. I'm sorry Gene, it's just that your opinions are kinda awful.

Gene: Scoring you down for that too.

The Director: Wait, no, forget I said anything! Uh... look, a distraction!

The Director: We're circularizing around Duna, see!

Gene: You forgot to stow the relay dish for this burn.

The Director: Goddammit! Whatever, I'm deploying the lower fairings.

Gene: Wait, those aren't relay satellites. What are those?

The Director: Mapping satellites for Duna and Ike. I'm multitasking! Besides, you didn't say all 6 probes had to be relays.

Gene: Fine, I'll grant you that. We'll get reduced coverage with only 4 relays, but getting some interplanetary mapping done is a victory. They're a lot bigger than the ones we deployed around the Kerbin system, though.

The Director: I know, cool huh? They've got a full suite: Visual, radar, resource scanning, magnetron and gravioli experiments and biome mapping. Oh, and check out the unfolding sequence.

The Director: They've got a ton of delta-V, too. Ion engines are pretty great.

Gene: Expensive, though. You really didn't need 6 of them.

The Director: Yeah, but do you have any idea how long it'd take to get to a polar orbit otherwise?

Gene: I hate to admit it, but that's fair. Even I hate long burn times.

The Director: I know, right?

Gene: Because they're dangerous, not because they're boring! Longer burns mean more time for something to go wrong.

The Director: But also because they're boring, right?

Gene: No! Well... okay, maybe a little.

The Director: I knew it!

Gene: So, hang on. If the rear fairing were for those, then the other 4 relay probes...

The Director: In the forward cargo bays, yup. Here, I'll get them out.

Gene: Those relay dishes are a bit small, don't you think?

The Director: They're fine. They just need to call back to the mother-ship, or to another relay in the system.

Gene: So, basically what you're saying is that the whole network has a single point of failure. When Duna or Ike are between the mothership and Kerbin, the whole commnet goes down.

The Director: Well I would have stranded a pilot out there on the mothership, but someone wouldn't let me.

Gene: Marking you down for that comment too.

The Director: Argh! Fine, do what you want! I've got to get all these probes into position!

----------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Done! One communications network around Duna, plus two mapping satellites. And nothing went horribly right, I mean wrong!

The Director: So? Gene? You're not going to make me read that bloody charter, are you?

Gene: ... [sigh]... okay, I'll admit you did... fine. I'll let you run a crewed mission to Duna-

The Director: Yes! Suck it, reality!

Gene: - but!

The Director: ... but?

Gene: But you're to follow the world first contract to the letter. One Kerbal, orbit and return. No shenanigans. Just get that record and come home.

The Director: ... very well, Gene Kerman. I shall see you in the VAB shortly.

Gene: Indeed. I shall see you there. Director.

[Gene and the Director both walk out of the room backwards, glaring at each other the whole time]

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 11: Babies First Manned Duna Mission

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

Gene: [silence]

The Director: Well? Are you proud of me?

Gene: Is this retribution for the charter thing? Some sort of protest action?

The Director: Of course not! I'm doing what you said. One Kerbal, orbit and return, no shenanigans. I even took your advice!

Gene: Advice? What advice?

The Director: You wanted me to use smaller boosters, remember?

Gene: This is sooo not what I had in mind.

The Director: Well now you're just being picky.

Gene: I hate you. I hate you so much.

The Director: Launching now!

The Director: I should become a photographer. That's a really good shot!

Gene: Yes, you should. Do it. Follow your dream.

The Director: Nah.

Gene: Didn't think so. God forbid you make me happy.

The Director: Oh hey, the outer boosters are out of fuel. Time to stage!

Gene: No wait the boosters are still- !

Gene: ... firing.

The Director: I've changed my mind. Small boosters are awesome.

Gene: That's it! Getting the charter out again!

The Director: Relax! Bob's fine. Sit down. I'm performing the gravity turn.

Gene: Bob's the pilot? How'd you convince him to get on board that abomination?

The Director: I didn't. Valentina jumped him and duct-taped him to the chair.

Gene: That sounds.... accurate. Uh... you should watch your gravity turn. It's kind of shallow.

The Director: it's fine.

Gene: No, it's very shallow. It's going to overheat. Oh god, he's going to burn!

The Director: This is fine. Cutting the engines now, see?

The Director: See? Made orbit. I'm a professional!

Gene: That is an unforgivable insult to professionals everywhere. You realise your hydrogen is going to evaporate whenever the craft loses power because it is behind Kerbin, right?

The Director: ... oh. I guess we'll see what happens after the timewarp, then. Anyone got some snacks?

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene was uncomfortable with the loss of 30% of our fuel, but we still had plenty of dV for the trip to Duna and back.

Arriving at Duna, the side engines were detached on a collision course with the red planet. By detatching them pro- and retro-grade we were able to ensure they weren't thrown off course by the decouplers.

Bob grabbed some science as the ship swung by Duna and Ike before circularizing outside Ike's orbit to avoid being thrown out into a solar orbit by the Evil Moon's massive SoI. This also keeps the ship away from Duna's shadow, keeping our hydrogen from boiling off due to lack of power. 

And so, Bob settled in to wait for the next transfer window. The old-fashioned Mk1 pod wasn't hugely comfortable, but it was peaceful and safe, and as he slowly slipped into a boredom-induced coma, Bob ruminated that deep space was truly the happiest place to be.

----------------------------------------------------------

[One long wait for a transfer window later]

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Alright, let's go home! [fires up the engines]

Bob: Aaaaaargh, space krakens! SPACE KRAKENS EVERYWHERE!

The Director: Whoops, I think I woke him up. He's talking nonsense. Anyway, going to lower the orbit now to take advantage of the Oberth effect.

Gene: That'll put your ejection burn on the dark side of the planet.

The Director: Urgh, again? This mission is nothing but dark-side burns. How am I supposed to get good screenshots of this?

Gene: ... just ignore it, Gene.

Arriving back at Kerbin...

Gene: You're coming in pretty steep.

The Director: Gonna do another suicide burn, like I did with Eve.

Gene: Sure. It worked last time. But it's yet another dark-side burn.

The Director: Uuuuurrgh.

The Director: Detatching the interplanetary stage! Get ready for the fireworks!

Gene: I hope that doesn't hit anyone's house...

Bob: AAAAAAAAAAAA-

The Director: Huh. You'd think he'd be used to it by now.

The Director: Too easy! So, what's next?

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 12: Mining Minmus More Massivelier

(Part 1: Blowing up the old base)

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

Gene: Well, we've still got time before the next Duna Transfer window. We should probably plan ahead, do some housekeeping in the Kerbin system, and double-test and triple-test any craft we build.

The Director: You're completely right! Grafry's in Minmus orbit, right? Grafry! Come in Grafry!

Grafry: [via radio] Yeah, boss?

The Director: Go down and blow up Lexur'iga base!

Grafry: Sweet!

Gene: WHAT?! No, stop! Grafry, do not do that!

Grafry: Aww.

Gene: Director, why do you want to blow up the base?

The Director: 'cos I built a new one.

Gene: Okay. Where to start. Firstly, this is entirely redundant. You already put a refueler and a mining base on Minmus.

The Director: Yeah, but this is a two-in one. No need to land and dock to refuel, just land anywhere! Also, the part count on that thing, what was I thinking...

Gene: Secondly, you complained extensively about the maneuverability of the refueler. This is bigger. It will be worse.

The Director: Nope! That's what the way-too-many vernor engines are for.

Gene: Weren't you just complaining about part count?

The Director: Hmm. Actually, you have a point there.

Gene: Thirdly, the design. What were you thinking? Or is that making too many assumptions?

The Director: [stares at the mining station] ... you know what? You're right. The design is terrible.

Gene: Thank you.

The Director: I mean, blue lights? On a mining rig?

Gene: Uh.

The Director: And the vernor engine spam! And the size!

Gene: Yes! The size! That's what I want you to change!

The Director: I mean, I just downloaded Near-Future Launch Vehicles spoke with R&D, and they say they the Post-Kerbin Mining Corporation is sending us 7.5 meter parts now! What was I thinking?! [rushes off]

Gene: Oh no.

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: [stares in abject horror]

The Director: I was thinking of naming this one Yomagn'tho, The Feaster from the Stars.

Gene: *slight whimpering*

The Director: Oh, check this out too! Those aren't normal Space-Y RCS blocks. I jury-rigged them to run on Liquid Fuel and Oxidizer.

Gene: ...

The Director: Don't worry, they very rarely explode.

Gene: ...

The Director: Okay, I admit, they explode all the time. Violently. They're definitely not radioactive, though!

Gene: ...

The Director: I feel like I'm doing all the work in this conversation for some reason. Gene? You okay?

Gene: ... I think I understand why you chose Lovekraft references as the naming scheme now.

The Director: Mostly it's cause I find cosmic horror hilarious.

Gene: Please, for the love of sanity, please don't put this on a launch vehicle.

The Director: Sanity broke.

Gene: Understandable, have a nice day.

----------------------------------------------------------

[meanwhile, on Minmus, Kathner is reversing the refueler towards Lexur'iga base]

Grafry: Huh. The director said I should blow up the base. But Gene said I shouldn't. Kathner, what do I do?

Kathner: Cartoons taught me you should always follow your dreams.

Grafry: Good enough for me! I'll go and get the C4-

[DISTANT BOOM]

Grafry: Did... did it explode on it's own?

Kathner: Ooh. Confetti.

Grafry: .... but I wasn't looking!

Kathner: Pretty.

Grafry: I'm going to get blamed for this and I didn't even get to see it explode! That's not fair!

----------------------------------------------------------

OOC: This actually happened. I was already planning to blow the mining base up, but upon arrival the Kraken beat me to it. I knew the thing had some minor phantom forces, but I certainly wasn't expecting an attack.

Oh well. This works out. Time to eliminate some debris.

----------------------------------------------------------

Kathner: I'm just going to relocate the old science base further to the north.

Grafry: Aww, I was gonna blow it up too.

Kathner: Sorry Graf, Gene's orders. "If that idiot tells Grafry to blow up the base, hide it over the horizon so she can't find it" is what he said.

Grafry: ...

Kathner: Wait, I probably wasn't supposed to tell you that.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Okay, ready!

Gene: Three and a half million funds... for this.

The Director: Worth every penny.

The Director: Here we go!

The Director: I made orbit! I call that a success.

Gene: Telemetry says you have 885 m/s delta-V. That's not going to be enough to reach Minmus. We'll have to do a refueling mission.

The Director: Don't care. Still a success.

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 12: Mining Minmus More Massivelier

(Part 2: To Minmus!)

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

The Director: Alright, I'm sending a refueler up for it. It's kinda ramshackle, but it'll do.

Gene: Let me guess, it's ramshackle because it's semi-affordable and looks almost like an actual rocket?

The Director: Nah, mainly because someone forgot to paint the bottom boosters.

Gene: I'm pretty sure they're meant to be black.

The Director: Wait, boosters come in black? This changes everything!

Gene: So... back when you specified that those custom RCS blocks weren't radioactive...

The Director: Don't worry, they definitely aren't.

Gene: If that's the case, why do I see nuclear plumes coming out of them?

The Director: That's just your imagination.

Gene: ...no. No it isn't.

The Director: That's the fuel sent over and the refueler on a sub-orbital trajectory.

Gene: How much delta-V do we have?

The Director: We've about doubled it. 1450 m/s, give or take.

Gene: That's cutting it a bit fine with the way you drive. Let's wait a few days for a transfer window instead of just burning to Minmus now like an idiot.

----------------------------------------------------------

[10 days later]

----------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------

[11 days after that]

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: I'm not sure about those landing legs. They seem a bit... vertical for such a top heavy craft.

The Director: My options were limited.

Gene: Also, the landing spot looks a little... slopey.

The Director: Our options are limited!

Gene: You still have some delta-V, you could adjust...

The Director: I'm not used to having so little fuel, okay?!

[ship bounces and tips over]

Gene: Oh god.

The Director: Compensating! COMPENSATING!

[ship tips back and bounces again]

Gene: You've got this!

The Director: I don't got this! Abort! Abort!

Gene: Don't you dare!

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Landed it.

Gene: I noticed.

The Director: We'll stay a few hours to generate some fuel and then hop over to the lesser flats where the ore concentration is higher.

Gene: A few hours, huh?

The Director: What? What's wrong?

----------------------------------------------------------

[32 days later]

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Uuuuurrrgh...

Gene: If you wanted fast ore extraction, why didn't you include a crew compartment for an engineer to monitor the equipment?

The Director: [laughs in angry kerbal] HahahaShutUpGene we're moving now.

The Director: Kinda wish I hadn't had Grafry blow up the base. It's hard to appreciate just how dang big it is.

Gene: The only thing bigger is the amount of time you're gonna be waiting for it to fuel up.

The Director: Okay, that's it! I'll get Grafry and Kathner to pull the old base apart and duct tape it's command module to it! Yeah, there's two of them, that'll work!

Gene: [innocently] But you blew that up, remember? It's definitely not hiding just over the horizon or anything.

The Director: [extended pause]... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Kerminator K-100]

This is HILARIOUS! I love this director

[jimmymcgoochie]

Wait... NUCLEAR RCS!?!? 

Spoiler

Where do I get some? 

 

Edited August 20, 2020 by jimmymcgoochie

[Quasar]

On 8/21/2020 at 7:55 AM, jimmymcgoochie said:

Wait... NUCLEAR RCS!?!? 

  Hide contents

Where do I get some? 

 

KSP mod's are pretty straightfoward and easy to understand once you open them up. I wanted a more powerful RCS block, but the most powerful ones in my mod set ran on monoprop, which didn't make sense to me given that Vernor engines exist. So I went to C:\Program Files (x86)\Steam\steamapps\common\Kerbal Space Program\GameData\SpaceY-Lifters\Parts\RCS-OMS, took a copy of the SYoms2 parts and renamed them to SYomsLFO2, then messed around in SYomsLFO2.cfg until I got what I wanted.

Here's the file (note that it also needs Kerbal Atomics installed, 'cause it gets the nuclear plumes from there):

Spoiler

PART
{

// --- general parameters ---
name = SYomsLFO2
module = Part
author = NecroBones (crappy modifications done by Quasar)

// --- asset parameters ---
MODEL
{
    model = SpaceY-Lifters/Parts/RCS-OMS/SYoms2
    scale = 1.0, 1.0, 1.0
}
scale = 1.0
rescaleFactor = 1.0

// --- node definitions ---
// definition format is Position X, Position Y, Position Z, Up X, Up Y, Up Z
node_attach = 0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 1.0, 0.0, 0.0, 1
node_stack_bottom = 0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 1.0, 0.0, 0.0, 1

//fx_exhaustFlame_white_tiny = 0.0, -0.6, 0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 0.0, running

//sound_vent_medium = engage
//sound_rocket_mini = running
//sound_vent_soft = disengage
//sound_explosion_low = flameout

// --- editor parameters ---
TechRequired = specializedControl
entryCost = 6000
cost = 6000
category = Control
subcategory = 0
title = SpaceY "Super Dibamus" RCS/OMS Thrust Block LFO Edition
manufacturer = SpaceY Technologies Corporation
description = A SpaceY "Super Dibamus" RCS thingy that we jury-rigged to run on Liquid Fuel and Oxidizer. Twice the price because duct tape doesn't grow on trees.

    tags = spacey cluster control dock maneuver manoeuvre react rendezvous rotate stab steer translate orbital probe propuls thruster

// attachment rules: stack, srfAttach, allowStack, allowSrfAttach, allowCollision
attachRules = 1,1,0,0,1

// --- standard part parameters ---
mass = 0.625
dragModelType = default
maximum_drag = 0.001
minimum_drag = 0.001
angularDrag = 2
crashTolerance = 15
maxTemp = 2000
bulkheadProfiles = size1, srf
    heatConductivity = 0.06 // half default
    skinInternalConductionMult = 4.0
    emissiveConstant = 0.8 // engine nozzles are good at radiating.

//PhysicsSignificance = 1

// --- rcs module parameters ---

    MODULE
    {
        name = ModuleRCSFX
        stagingEnabled = False
        thrusterTransformName = RCSthruster
        thrusterPower = 10
        resourceName = MonoPropellant
        resourceFlowMode = STAGE_PRIORITY_FLOW
        runningEffectName = running
        atmosphereCurve
        {
            key = 0 240
            key = 1 220
            key = 4 0.001
        }

        PROPELLANT
        {
            name = LiquidFuel
            ratio = 0.9
            DrawGauge = True
            resourceFlowMode = STAGE_PRIORITY_FLOW
        }
        PROPELLANT
        {
            name = Oxidizer
            ratio = 1.1
            resourceFlowMode = STAGE_PRIORITY_FLOW
        }
    }

    EFFECTS
    {
        running
        {
            AUDIO_MULTI_POOL
            {
                channel = Ship
                transformName = RCSthruster
                clip = sound_rocket_mini
                volume = 0.0 0.0
                volume = 0.1 0.0
                volume = 0.5 0.025
                volume = 1.0 0.15
                pitch = 0.0 0.75
                pitch = 1.0 1.0
                loop = true
            }
            MODEL_MULTI_PARTICLE
            {
                name = plume1
                modelName = NearFutureLaunchVehicles/FX/nflv-fx-rcs-lfo-plume-1
                transformName = RCSthruster
                emission = 0.0 0.0
                emission = 0.1 0.0
                emission = 1.0 1.0
                speed = 0.0 0.8
                speed = 1.0 1.0
                localRotation = -90, 0, 0
            }
            MODEL_MULTI_PARTICLE
            {
                name = plume2
                modelName = NearFutureLaunchVehicles/FX/nflv-fx-rcs-lfo-plume-1
                transformName = RCSthruster
                emission = 0.0 0.0
                emission = 0.1 0.0
                emission = 1.0 1.0
                speed = 0.0 0.8
                speed = 1.0 1.0
                localRotation = -90, 0, 0
            }
            MODEL_MULTI_PARTICLE
            {
                name = plume
                modelName =KerbalAtomics/FX/fx-sc-lh2-0625-plume
                transformName = RCSthruster
                emission = 0.0 0.0
                emission = 0.01 0.1
                emission = 0.075 0.25
                emission = 1.0 1.0
                speed = 0.0 0.35
                speed = 1.0 1.0
                localRotation = -90, 0, 0
            }
        }    
        running_closed
        {
            AUDIO
            {
                channel = Ship
                transformName = thrustTransform
                clip = sound_rocket_mini
                volume = 0.0 0.0
                volume = 1.0 1.0
                pitch = 0.0 0.2
                pitch = 1.0 0.8
                loop = true
            }
            MODEL_MULTI_PARTICLE
            {
                modelName = Squad/FX/Monoprop_small
                transformName = thrustTransform
                emission = 0.0 0.0
                emission = 0.05 0.0
                emission = 0.075 0.25
                emission = 1.0 2.0
                speed = 0.0 0.5
                speed = 1.0 2.0
            }
        }
        engage
        {
            AUDIO
            {
                channel = Ship
                transformName = thrustTransform
                clip = sound_vent_soft
                volume = 1.0
                pitch = 3.0
                loop = false
            }
        }
        flameout
        {
            PREFAB_PARTICLE
            {
                prefabName = fx_exhaustSparks_flameout_2
                transformName = thrustTransform
                oneShot = true
            }
            AUDIO
            {
                channel = Ship
                clip = sound_explosion_low
                volume = 1.0
                pitch = 3.0
                loop = false
            }
        }    
    }
    MODULE
    {
        name = ModuleSurfaceFX
        thrustProviderModuleIndex = 0
        fxMax = 0.1
        maxDistance = 8
        falloff = 1.8
        thrustTransformName = thrustTransform
    }
    MODULE
    {
        name = ModuleEnginesFX
        thrustVectorTransformName = thrustTransform
        runningEffectName = running_closed
        engineID = SYOMS
        exhaustDamage = False
        ignitionThreshold = 0.1
        minThrust = 0
        maxThrust = 162.5
        heatProduction = 30
        fxOffset = 0, 0, 0.02
        EngineType = MonoProp
        PROPELLANT
        {
            name = LiquidFuel
            ratio = 0.9
            DrawGauge = True
            resourceFlowMode = STAGE_PRIORITY_FLOW
        }
        PROPELLANT
        {
            name = Oxidizer
            ratio = 1.1
            resourceFlowMode = STAGE_PRIORITY_FLOW
        }
        
        atmosphereCurve
        {
            key = 0 240
            key = 1 120
            key = 4 0.001
        }    
    }
}

  ----------------------------------------------------------

Epsiode 13: Coming Home Party

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

The Director: Okay. One last bit of housekeeping before the Duna transfer window. We currently have a few Kerbals in space. It's time to bring everyone home.

Gene: Everyone? You're finally bringing Jeb back from the Mun?

The Director: Lanrim is the one I stranded on the Mun.

Gene: ...you also stranded Jebediah. Jebediah Kerman?

The Director: Nope, not ringing any bells. Anyway! This'll be an easy mission. Gotta get Lanrim back from the Mun, Grafry and Kathner back from Minmus (and deliver a command pod), and Linley back from the Yihdra in Kerbin orbit.

Gene: And Jebediah.

The Director: Your imaginary friend has a funny name, Gene!

Gene: They'll never find your body.

The Director: What?

Gene: Nothing!

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Linley first! Linley, ya' there?

Linley: [via radio] Hey, idiot.

The Director: Haha, you're such a joker. Anyway, we were planning on coming to get you.

Linley: Oh, sweet! You have no idea how stuffy the air in here is getting.

The Director: But then I thought, why not just de-orbit the Yihdra and have you jump out the airlock and parachute to the ground?

Gene: That sounds like a terrible idea.

Linley: What he said. Also, we couldn't do it even if we wanted to. Not enough delta-V left, sorry.

The Director: Dang. Alright, no worries, I'll include a rendezvous with you in the road trip! See you soon!

Linley: I look forward to a hot shower and some decent snacks.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: I just noticed, this is just like the space program's first mission. A multi-kerbal trip to the Mun, and Minmus.

Gene: No, this is like your first mission. We had a director before you, remember?

The Director: Oh yeah, that's right. The one that disappeared. Good thing, too, otherwise you'd still be doing crappy little jaunts to orbit and back!

Gene: [grit's teeth] Sir, that's going too far. She was the most competent director this space program has ever had.

The Director: 'cept me, of course!

Gene: No. Sir. Very much including you.

The Director: Hrmph.

Gene: I would at least like to find out what happened to the former director one day. It's... [thoughtful pause]... out of character for her like to quit without warning like that.

The Director: Who knows? It's a mystery! Anyway, let's go get those Kerbals.

Gene: Very well, sir. But before you put together something stupid, can I have you take a look at this?

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: What... is it?

Gene: It's a rocket, sir.

The Director: I disagree. A rocket is taller. And has boosters. And enormous payloads. And costs way more than that. This is more like a firework. Possibly some sort of cigarette lighter. 

Gene: This is one of the last rockets the former director designed. It should be both Mun and Minmus-capable. I was thinking we could make use of it for this mission, but we'll need a bit more delta-V if we want to pick up Linley on the way.

The Director: Well! You've come to the right place! I am an expert on the subject of more delta-V.

Gene: You put the rocket on top of a slightly bigger rocket. Your expertise astounds me.

The Director: Thank you I am a goddamn genius let's gooooo!

The Director: Gotta do a westerly gravity burn to meet up with Linley.

Gene: And that's orbit.

The Director: I'm going to keep burning to reach Lin's parking orbit.

Gene: No objections from me.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Alright, we're at apoapsis.

Gene: Flip around and slow down a little before detaching the upper stage so it can de-orbit.

The Director: I know, I know, geez. What do you take me for, an amateur?

Gene: That would be a step up, sir.

Linley: Whoo! There you are! I've been waiting!

The Director: And you'll be waiting a while longer, 'cos we're taking the long route to Minmus to save on delta-V.

Linley: Aww.

The Director: It's your own fault for circularizing in a westerly orbit and you know it.

Linley: ... fair.

----------------------------------------------------------

[47 days later]

----------------------------------------------------------

Linley: Hey, Grafry! Look up!

Grafry: [low whistle]

Grafry: Lin, it's gonna take me a while to get there. I don't have any EVA fuel left. And for some reason when I try to run all the ships in the area throttle up? It's really weird.

The Director: Sorry about that Grafry, that's my bad. I installed the Persistent Thrust mod summoned an Elder God for unbridled power and it broke reality.

Everyone: [confused silence]

The Director: Look, it's not easy coming up with in-universe explanations every time the game bugs out!

Everyone: [embarrassed silence]

The Director: ...

----------------------------------------------------------

F9

----------------------------------------------------------

Grafry: ... It's really weird.

The Director: That is definitely not my fault and I'll uninstall it pronto.

Grafry: ... what?

The Director: HERE I'LL HELP YOU GET ON BOARD!

Grafry: Oh. Thanks.

The Director: WHERE'S KATHNER?!

Grafry: Oh! Uh... well, funny story...

Gene: She just stepped out to explore the salt flats. I'm sure she'll be back soon. 

The Director: Oh. Good.

The Director: By the way Gene, this lander of yours is terrible.

Gene: That's because you weren't supposed to land the upper stage! You were supposed to detach it.

The Director: Like this?

Gene: Well that was a waste of delta-V.

The Director: I'm sure it won't come back to bite us. Hey, Grafry, lander cans weigh less than 1t! Let's attach it to the mining rig as a control room!

Grafry: Sure!

Grafry: Boop!

Linley: Alright, can we get going? I really want to get back to Kerbin.

Kathner: Me too! Minmus doesn't taste nice.

Grafry: Alright, let's go!

The Director: Ooh, look at that. Welp, I'm not going pass up a perfect transfer window. Linley, burn now!

The Director: Alright! One more!

Gene: Wait. Hold up.

The Director: Mmm?

Gene: Delta-V

The Director: What about... oh. Ooooh.

Gene: Yeah. If they land, they're not coming back to orbit, let alone make it back to Kerbin.

The Director: Eh, they've got RCS.

Gene: Not that much. Sorry, I don't think you can get Jebediah back on this trip.

The Director: I take that as a challenge! LANRIM!

Jebediah: [via radio] Oh! Hello director! This is an unexpected surp-

The Director: Shut up I wasn't talking to you, Jebediah! Lanrim! Answer!

Gene: I knew it!

Lanrim: [via radio] Greetings, Director! Glad to hear from you. Could I perhaps trouble you to PLEASE LET ME COME HOME I'VE BEEN HERE WITH JEBEDIAH FOR 18 YEARS OH GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!

The Director: You're coming home but you need to EVA onto a polar trajectory right now!

Lanrim: DONE!!!

----------------------------------------------------------

F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9...

----------------------------------------------------------

Lanrim: Wassup guys.

Kathner: Wassup Lanrim.

The Director: See? Perfect maneuver. Definitely didn't get everyone killed multiple times in dozens of alternate timelines. Valentina taught me that trick!

Gene: [Hyperventilating in a corner]

The Director: Gene? Oi, Gene! I need your math.

Gene: [Deep breaths]... okay. I'm okay. Please never do that again.

The Director: Hahaha no.

Gene: [sigh] ... what do you need, sir?

The Director: 427m/s. Is that enough to get them back?

Gene: From a polar munar orbit? It should suffice. Just wait for the orbit to line up with the munar retrograde direction-

The Director: Nah, transfer windows are boring. Can I do it now with a gravity assist?

Gene: Why don't you ever make anything easy? ... Let's see... 3 burns and a gravity assist to get them back to the atmosphere...  yes. They'll make it. Barely.

The Director: Sweet! Course plotted, let's go!

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: This is bad! They're coming in too fast! We've got overheating across the board!

The Director: Relax, Gene. Nothing's exploded yet.

Gene: Something just exploded!

The Director: That's just the solar panels being scraped off.

Gene: Something else exploded!

The Director: RCS blocks. We don't need them anymore anyway.

Gene: And another thing!

The Director: Landing legs, probably.

Gene: Why are there so many explosions?!

The Director: ... okay, I have no idea what that one was.

Gene: Why are you so bad at re-entries?!

The Director: Can't be too bad, they're alive aren't they? There goes the chute. They'll be splashing down just off the shore soon.

The Director: Mission accomplished! Everyone's back on Kerbin ready for the big Duna mission in 1 year!

Gene: Uh, that's not...

The Director: EVERYONE.

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 14: Duna Superstation

(Part 1: Launching the Payload)
----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

That night, at the Homecoming afterparty, Mortimer Kerman approached Gene.

 

Mortimer: Hey Gene, sorry to bring this up at a party, but there's something I'd like to discuss with you.

Gene: Don't tell me, let me guess. He's built a 10 million dollar monstrosity and we're now in a massive amount of debt?

Mortimer: No no my friend, it's not about him. Though I fully expect that to happen at some point. No, this is about the former director.

Gene: [wistfully] She was always really careful with the budget.

Mortimer: That's why this is strange. I was looking over our accounting records and the numbers don't add up. The rescue contracts we took, the craft we built... we should have had more than 2 and half million in funds when she quit.

Gene: What? No, that doesn't make sense. We only had about 600 thousand when the new director came in, I'm sure of it.

Mortimer: I'm trying to put this tactfully, Gene, but frankly it looks like she vanished without a trace and took about 2 million in funds with her.

Gene: Are you saying she stole the money and ran?

Mortimer: I'm just saying she and the money disappeared at the same time.

Gene: No. No! That's... absolutely not! I refuse to believe it! The director wasn't that sort of person!

Mortimer: I just thought you should know before I pass this on to the authorities. I'll... leave you to enjoy the party now.

 

Gene stared hopelessly as Mortimer waddled off, his mind trying to reconcile his admiration with this revelation.

----------------------------------------------------------

[The next morning]

Gene: Alright, let's talk. The next world first contract is to rendezvous two craft in orbit of Duna and go on a spacewalk.

The Director: Wow. That's a massive waste of a transfer window. Bob already did the spacewalk anway.

Gene: [looks over at the Director] ... okay, I'm going to regret pointing this out, but the mission doesn't specify that we have to return to Kerbin.

The Director: Oh sweet, not having to return will save a ton of delta-V!

Gene: Not what I meant! What I'm saying is, once we achieve this, the World First Society will undoubtedly have other contracts for us in the Duna system. Understand?

The Director: Oh. Ooooh. So we should arrive prepared to do a bunch of other things in the Duna system, yah?

Gene: Precisely.

The Director: Sweet! Are there any other contracts on or near Duna?

Gene: A few, actually.

The Director: Oi! Mission Control Mook! Accept as many of those as you can between now and the next Duna transfer window!

Mission Control Mook: Yes sir!

Gene: What? No! Belay that order!

The Director: Belay that belaying! Timewarp!

Gene: No st-

----------------------------------------------------------

[Gene is abruptly interrupted by a stop-start series of 3-day timewarps]

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: So? How'd we do?

Gene: Oh no. No no noooooo...

The Director: Ooh, look at all that contracty goodness. And our funds counter went up by two million from all the advances.

Gene: This is going to turn into an absolutely obscene mission, isn't it?

The Director: I hope so! Let's go through the list and see what we've got to work with here...

----------------------------------------------------------

Mission Goals!

Space

• Leave a communications Satellite in Duna Space
• Two tourists - Orbit Duna and fly by Ike
• Rendezvous two ships 
• Transmit science report

Duna

• Extract 2,300 ore from Duna and deliver to Ike
• Scan a Duna Stone
• Bring a Duna Stone back with you
• Transmit science report

Ike

• Extract 600 ore from Ike and deliver it to Duna
• Deploy Surface Experiments
• Plant Flag
• Bring Duna Ejecta back with you

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Wait, Moving Parts Experts Group wants us to deliver ore from Ike to Duna.

Gene: Yes, so?

The Director: But Periapsis Rocket Supplies wants us to deliver ore from Duna to Ike.

Gene: That's what the clients want, yes.

The Director: ... but that's dumb.

Gene: [momentarily rendered speechless by sheer hypocrisy]

The Director: But I guess it's fine so long as we get paid. I think we can do all that.

Gene: ... for once, I agree. Getting a payload of ore from Duna to Ike is likely to be the most challenging item there. And the need to rendezvous means we'll have two separate launches to work with. This should be well within our budget.

The Director: I know. It's actually kind of disappointing...

Mission Control Mook: Hey, boss? We just got one last Duna mission come in. Should we accept it?

Gene: No-

The Director: YES!

Mission Control Mook: Okay, that's done. We've accepted it. Here are the details...

Gene: Oh no.

The Director: Yas. Yaaasssssss! Gene, I'll be in the VAB if you need me!

Gene: This... this is going to be bad.

----------------------------------------------------------

Additional Mission Goal! 

• Establish an orbital base around Duna.
  • Base must have antenna, docking port, and can generate power.
  • Base must support 15 kerbals, incl. 3 engineers.
  • Base must have a viewing cupola.
  • Base must have a hydoponics lab.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Gene! Geeeene! Come quick! I'm really proud of this one.

Gene: [steels himself for the worst]

Gene: [dry heaves in alarm at the sight of it]

The Director: Oh, sorry, it's clipping into the roof a bit. Hang on, I'll get it out on the launch pad for a better view.

Gene: What?

The Director: There we go.

Gene: When did you... no, more importantly, how? A second ago it was jammed into the rafters! I'm pretty sure there were structural beams going through it!

The Director: Don't stress the details. So? What do you think?

Gene: ... why does it have an egg-sack in the middle like some sort of horrible pregnant-spider rocket? 

The Director: Horrible pregnant-spider rocket! See, that's why I get you to critique these designs, Gene, you give me idea's. But anyway, what you're looking at there is our new re-usable interplanetary tug. I haven't named it yet.

Gene: Don't we have one of those in orbit already?

The Director: Yes, but this one's bigger and not empty.

Gene: Right. [stares] Those little boosters on the side are Rockomax parts, aren't they? To think, I used to think they were big.

The Director: And I saved you from that terrible fate. Be grateful.

Gene: To you? Never. Anyway, we should get back inside before someone accidentally launches it and covers us in exhaust smoke.

The Director: ... uh oh.

Gene: What?

The Director: *cough* *cough* I may have *cough* started the countdown *cough* before I came out. *cough* *cough*

Gene: *cough* *cough* *cough* I hate you! I hate you *cough* *cough* so much! *cough* *cough* *cough*

----------------------------------------------------------

OOC: I slowed down the craft to 200 m/s until I got out of the lower atmosphere because the game lags like hell if I trigger the atmospheric drag effects. There are a lot of parts under that fairing, so I've got no-one to blame but myself.

Otherwise, the ascent was fairly standard. One of my better gravity turns, actually.

Gene: Credit where it's due, once you get over the weird egg thing in the middle, it's actually a decent looking rocket. I guess it's kind of hard to screw up a fairing.

The Director: Here we go, the unveiling! Blowing the fairings.

The Director: Extending the solar panels!

Gene: Oh god what.

The Director: And the lights!

Gene: OH GOD WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO-

The Director: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

----------------------------------------------------------

Uvhash, The Blood-Mad God of the Void

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: ...

The Director: ... red makes it go faster.

Gene: It. is. An abomination! How is Walt supposed to share pictures of this with the media? They'll think we're being invaded by aliens!

The Director: Who's Walt?

Gene: Head of public relations? The one with the stubble? How have you gotten this far without knowing who Walt is?

The Director: Still not ringing any bells, sorry.

Gene: [sigh] The guy in the hazmat suit.

The Director: [Snaps fingers] Right! The one who gave me that non-canonical pamphlet about the Giant Robotic Death Spiders from Duna.

Gene: For the record, that's not true. There are no giant robot spiders on Duna.

The Director: Yet.

Gene: [narrows eyes]... don't you dare, you'll give the poor man a heart attack.

The Director: No promises are made!

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Anyway, I'm going to try and recover the upper booster stage. Those super-ratite engines are expensive!

Gene: Didn't you use two of them as disposable boosters on this very rocket?

The Director: Irrelevant!

Gene: Should I even mention that your airbrakes are disintegrating?

The Director: Happens all the time.

Gene: Thought so. What about the fact that you're coming in way too fast?

The Director: I can just burn retrograde.

Gene: With a rocket that's currently flipping end over end?

The Director: It'll be fine once the drogue chutes deploy.

Gene: They just did. Doesn't look fine. Also, you're going to land in the lake.

The Director: Oh crap, those things aren't waterproof probably!

The Director:  Wait, no, it's still fine! We overshot the lake.

Gene: Because you're still coming in too fast. And facing the wrong way.

The Director: Shut up Gene! We just need the chute's to- THERE THEY GO! Throttlling up!

The Director: Whew! See Gene? Perfect landing.

Gene: Why do you stress out more about landing a random booster than actual Kerbal lives?

The Director: Well obviously because I had to babysit this thing all the way down through the atmosphere to keep it from overheating. Returning kerbals have heat shields.

Gene: Sure. But I notice that your 'perfect landing' is nearly 600 km from here...

The Director: Details.

Gene: And it's sliding down the hill.

The Director: Oh crap! Recover! Recover!

The Director: There! 181,010 funds. Am I great or what?

Gene: You spent 12 times that amount on this launch alone.

The Director: I'll take that as a yes.

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Episode 15: Duna Superstation

(Part 2: Crew launch & Rendezvous)

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

Gene: Alright. We can still do this sensibly. We just need to crew the Uvhash, and...

The Director: No no, the crew are going to Duna separately so we can complete the rendezvous requirement.

Gene: Aboard what, exactly?

The Director: One of these!

Gene: Did... did you crash three planes into each other and make a new plane out of the result?

The Director: It's an SSTO!

Gene: No, it isn't.

The Director: Not here, but it will be on Duna.

Gene: Does this abomination even fly?

The Director: 'Course it does! Oi, Val!

Valentina: What do you need, boss?

The Director: See this plane? I want you to take it out for a spin and show Gene that it works!

Valentina: Sure thing!

Gene: [suspicious] It has a probe core, why are you relying on Valentina for this?

The Director: I said it flew, I didn't say it was easy to fly. Val's a better pilot than me.

Gene: I thought you said it was hard to fly?

The Director: It is! I guess Val's just awesome. There must be some reason we employ her.

Gene: Alright, fine. So, how are we getting it to Duna?

The Director: I'll have to think about that. Don't worry Gene, I'll work something out!

Gene: Don't be coy, we both know you're just going to mount it sideways on top of a dozen oversized boosters.

The Director: ... well I might not.

Gene: But you're going to.

The Director: ...

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: ... I really should have kept my mouth shut, shouldn't I?

The Director: I decided I didn't want my antics to be so predictable.

The Director: Alright, let's launch this thing!

Gene: What, now? The transfer window is still 61 days away.

The Director: Yeah but everyone already got aboard and I don't want to re-do their seat assignments.

The Director: Punch it Val! Let's go to spaaaaaaaaaaaa-

The Director: -aaaaaaaaaaaaccccceee! And now we wait.

Gene: Have you named this craft yet?

The Director: Yup! She's called the D’endrrah.

Gene: Is there some sort of lovekraftian mythological significance to the name?

The Director: Duna and D'endrrah both start with D.

Gene: ...

The Director: Look, they're not all gonna be winners, Gene.

----------------------------------------------------------

[60 days later]

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: And. We're. OFF!

OOC: I like how the Kerbals have all separated into their little cliques by occupation and uniform. Pilots front-left of the craft, engineers back-left, scientists front-right, and tourists in the back near the airlock so we can vent them into space at a moments notice..

The Director: And they're off, closely followed by Blood-Mad God of the Void!

Gene: I'm going to insist you simply call it the Uvhash when we put you in front of the camera's.

Val: Say g'bye to Kerbin, everyone. It's going to be a while before we see it again.

----------------------------------------------------------

[A bunch of days and two tiny correction burns later]

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: They should be arriving at Duna soon. We're running short on delta-V, so the crew aboard the D’endrrah will head straight in for an aerobraking capture and then wait 30 days for the Uvhash to arrive and circularize.

The Director: We could probably fuel up the D'endrrah on Ike or Duna while we're waiting.

Gene: Fuel up? You mean it has an ISRU?

The Director: Well, yeah.

Gene: And you didn't think to mention that?! I thought you were just cutting the delta-V margins ridiculously close!

The Director: There is a problem, though. 

Gene: Yes, I see it. If we don't rendezvous with the Uvhash and instead land on Ike for refueling, it will cost us a potential World First contract.

The Director: I was thinking those tourists never actually paid to land on Ike and idea of giving rich jackoff's more than they paid for disgusts me to my very core. But your problem works too. Alright, here's what we'll do...

First, we'll do an aerobraking pass to capture in an elliptical orbit around Duna.

Then, we'll GODDAMMIIT IKE YOU JERK NOW I HAVE TO DO AN INCLINATION CHANGE WHAT THE HELL.

Then, we'll put ourselves into a distant parking orbit and let the Uvhash rendezvous with us using it's more efficient nuclear engines. At this distance, we should be able to avoid wasting too much delta-V. We can also refuel from the reserves on the Uvhash before we attempt any sort of landing, if the margins seem slim.

Val: And that's 0.0 m/s. We're here.

Steve: Engineers, assemble!

Bill: Alright my friends! Steve, me and Grafry are going to jet across and set the inflatable habitats up for everyone else. We'll also use the radio to let the director know, I think he's waiting to tell the clients.

Isacas: Can you also shut off those awful red lights while you're at it? The glare is giving me a headache. 

Maya: Oh my god, Isacas! That's not the red lights, that's the 5G tower in the ship!

Anlorf: No, that's dumb. Stop being dumb, Maya.

Maya: What are you, some sort of skeptic? I'm telling you, they're trying to melt your brains with radio waves so you'll vote for the insectoid dopplegangers that control the system. 

Anlorf: How do you function?

Maya: Pff. I bet I could convince you if I could just show you my corkboard at home. Nothing with this much red string can be false!

Steve: [via radio] Hey folks, the Habitat's are ready now. Val, could you dock with the station?

Valentina: Uh Steve... the docking port's the wrong size.

Bill: Just use the claw and transfer over.

Valentina: I'll never understand how that works.

Bill: And now you know how we feel about your horrible timewarp snacks.

Valentina: Fair point.

----------------------------------------------------------

Grafry: Hey Bill, gotta problem.

Bill: What is it, my friend?

Grafry: Looks like someone left one of the fuel cells on. In the time it took to transfer out here it drained half the fuel from the mining lander.

Bill: Well that's most unfortunate!

Steve: Actually, those fuel cells were left on by design. The station must have lost power on the dark side of Kerbin and the cells kicked in to prevent us from losing any hydrogen. Check the adapter tanks on the tug, it may have been draining from the wrong end.

Grafry: Oh, I see. You're right, the tanks on the tug are full. I'll transfer some fuel out of them then, shall I?

Steve: Yeah, do that. To the passenger shuttle as well, we need to compensate for that plane change we had to do earlier.

Bill: Indeed!

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: Well, we're not exactly where we planned to be, thanks to Ike. This elliptical tundra orbit is frankly kind of an awful situation. But we have two craft with ISRU and more than enough delta-V to get home, so they should be fine. Plus, our crew will be comfortable while they wait aboard the station. We've had worse situations.

The Director: Yes, but do we have any new world first contracts?

Gene: Uh... yes indeed. They'll pay us for a spacewalk near Ike.

The Director: They're mocking us.

Gene: They're not mocking us.

The Director: Nope, that's what this is. An massive, elaborate and exceedingly expensive way to insult our capabilities.

Gene: Well, even if it is, are you going to refuse easy money?

The Director: HERESY!

Gene: That's what I thought.

----------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Epsiode 14: Duna Superstation

(Part 3: Life On Duna)

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

Valentina: [claps hands] Alright folks, no time to waste! 

Jedlo: We have way more than a year before the next transfer window.

Valentina: What I meant to say is, we've got a job to do. We can sit around and timewarp later! Bob, you're with me!

Bob: Me? Oh no, please...

Valentina: I need SCIENCE, man, and you're the only one I can trust! Don't fail me now, Bob!

Bob: [being dragged away by Valentina] Help me.

[several Kerbals studiously fail to make eye contact]

----------------------------------------------------------

Pieces start falling off of the Uvhash, one by one. Luckily, this was all part of the plan. Firstly, the Little Science Rover pops off the top and is scooped up by Valentina and Bob in the D'endrrah.

Next, the Duna Relay Satellite decouples, followed by the large lander designed to transfer ore between Duna and Ike.  After some Kerbal-shuffling, Steve and Isacas crew the Ore Lander and wave goodbye to their colleages on the Uvhash. 

They keep waving as the lander very slowly drifts away from the station, right up until they realise that it's going to take days until the exit burn and continually waving for that long would be super awkward.

After that, it's time to wait for Apoapsis, juggle a few correction burns, and put both mining vessels on an intercept course with the Ike. At the same time, the relay satellite does an inclination change to aim for it's destined orbit.

Steve and Isacas, despite being the last to leave, are the first to arrive at the Evil Moon.

Steve: We made it! Congratulations, Isacas.

Isacas: Same to you, Steve. Indeed we did. I'll perform the experiments, you get the mining equipment set up.

Steve: This was... strangely easy. The probe core basically took care of the landing for us and we had no shortage of fuel. Why do the A-team keep encountering so many problems on these missions?

Isacas: Don't jinx it, Steve. Duna's up next, once we refuel and get ourselves 600 units of ore.

Steve: Right. That one'll probably be harder. By the way, what's with the fancy green suit?

Isacas: This is scientist EVA gear. And green is my favorite colour.

Steve: No fair, our engineer suits are decades old. Practically vintage. I want lights too!

----------------------------------------------------------

[Meanwhile]

Valentina: Ike coming in fast! Make peace with your gods Bob, here we goooooo! 

Bob: Oh no.

Valentina: Oh shoot! That refueling was a botch job, this thing is horribly unbalanced!

Bob: Oh no!

Valentina: hey, Bob, could you move the fuel around a bit to balance the craft before we need to land? Be quick about it though, or we're gonna hit Ike at 465.5 m/s.

Bob: Aaaaaaaa! Val, this is impossible!

Valentina: I'm willing to consider the possibility that it was a bad idea to attach a rover to the front of a VTOL and then try to land it. Whoops, that's rover's landing gear, not mine. Oh cool, it looks like a weird spider thing.

Bob: No no no nonononono!

Valentina: Hang on, I think I got it?

Bob: AAAAAA-

Valentina: Yeah, I got it! Sweet! Just need to avoid throttling up and we should be fine. Slowing down now.

Bob: AAAAaaaaaaaaa wait are we going to live?

Valentina: That's what I've been trying to tell you. Everything's under control. You're fine, Bob. Everything's fine.

Bob: Everything's fine?

Valentina: Everything's fine. See? We landed. Except now we're gaining speed as we roll down the hill. Who cut our brakes?!

Bob: Oh god, everything's not fine.

Valentina: Relax! We might be gaining speed, but the RCS should... okay, the RCS isn't slowing us down. We're careening wildly out of control down the hill.

Bob: [eyes glaze over as his mind tries to cope by tuning out reality]

Valentina: I got this! Just need a boop with the engines and then to turn sideways without rolling! What could go wrong? Boop!

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: See Bob? Everything was fine. You were worried over nothing.

Bob: ...

Valentina: Go on, Bob. Go and do your science. That always make you feel better.

Bob: ...

Valentina: There's a shiny rock over there. Go on Bob! Go get that shiny rock!

Bob: ...

Valentina: Yeah, he'll be fine.

----------------------------------------------------------

[Meanwhile, back at Kerbin]

The Director: Hey, Gene. Bob did the Ike spacewalk! See what the World Firsts mob have for us now.

Gene: Alright, looks like... a docking in orbit around Ike.

The Director: Sweet! We've got two craft mining Ike right now, we can dock the both of them before we leave!

Gene: And return to Kerbin.

The Director: ... what?

Gene: They probably figured out what we were up to.

The Director: Those petty scumbags! Fine then, send them a meaningless crew report from the Uvhash to fulfill that other contract. Someone saying 'situation is nominal' or something. If they're going to waste my time, I'm going to waste theirs.

Gene: You do realize the World First Society are different people from the labs that wanted our science data, don't you?

The Director: Don't care, too mad for logic!

----------------------------------------------------------

[Meanwhile, back on Ike]

Isacas: We're just about done already? That's awesome!

Steve: Yep, fully fueled and our Ore is going up fast. These mining drills are really quite efficient. I made a few optimizations, but realistically I don't know how much I actually helped.

----------------------------------------------------------

[Meanwhile, still on Ike but 90km further over the horizon]

Valentina: Oh my god, these mining drills are crap. We really should have brought an engineer

Bob: Why didn't we?

Valentina: I was too busy dragging your butt onto the ship to consider it, remember?

Bob: Oh. Right. Are we still slipping down the hill?

Valentina: Very slowly.

Bob: ...

Valentina: ... wanna get high?

Bob: Yes please.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: Let's do the docking later.  The D'endrrah is taking forever to refuel. Should we send Steve and Isacas to Duna now?

Gene: Before you do... the R&D Team has been studying the high-res visual map from the mapping satellite you deployed.

The Director: Those things are neat, huh?

Gene: I hate you and everything you stand for, but yes, those satellites are amazing. These pictures are incredible. And we've detected some sort of... anomaly.

The Director: Anomaly?

Gene: Perhaps we should send Steve and Isacas to check it out?

The Director: Uuurrrgh.

Gene: Please?

The Director: But I wanna go to Duuunaaaa already.

Gene: Sir, it's just a quick hop over the surface of Ike.

The Director: Fiiiiine.

----------------------------------------------------------

[Mission Control is filled with awed silence, the only sound Isacas' ragged breathing over the radio]

Isacas: [stammering] Sir, I... Sir this is... I'm not sure I should be the one to...

Gene: Isacas, I want you to take as many pictures as you can, but do not touch it. We don't know if it's dangerous. Plant a flag nearby so we can find it again easily.

Isacas: Sir, is this what I think it is? Actual, real-life evidence of extrakerrestrial life?

[the doors to mission control burst open and Wernher von Kerman burst into the room]

Wernher Von Kerman: Gene Kerman! What the hell is zis rubbish you are sending us?

Gene: [taken aback] Wernher! I haven't seen you months. We're kind of in the middle of something important right now...

Wernher: So were we when you interrupted us with zis idiotic transmission from Ike!

Gene: FROM IKE?! Wernher, show me this transmission, now!

Wernher: Wait, are you saying you didn't send zis?

Gene: NOW, WERNHER!

The Director: [quietly follows along behind]

----------------------------------------------------------

Wernher: So you see, these designs cannot be built with current technology. Zey are stupid baby designs drawn by people with no understanding of the limitations of the materials!

Gene: With current technology...  Wernher, could these designs be built with more advanced technology?!

Wernher: Well anything's possible, but-

Gene: Oh my god, this is big. Wernher, this is massive!

Wernher: Precisely! It's too massive! It would collapse under it's own weight before it even left the launch pad!

The Director: [perks up] Massive?

Wernher: I refuse to waste another second of my and my teams extremely valuable time on zese ignorant idiot shenanigans! 

The Director: How massive, exactly?

Gene: Oh dear, and he'd been so quiet until now. Alright, that's my cue to exit. Bye Wernher! Good luck!

Wernher: Vhat?

[Gene flee's the lab as the Director grabs Wernher by the shoulders and starts shaking him]

The Director: HOW MASSIVE, WERNHER?!

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: Alright Isacas, Steve, the Director is distracted so why don't you tour around Ike for a while and do some experimentation?

Steve: Sure thing, Gene.

Isacas: I'm not sure I can focus right now, Gene. This is too big for me. I mean... that Monolith, it looked like the one near the space center...

Gene: That's why you're doing simple experiments on Ike. Okay? Visit all the biomes, learn what you can about Duna's moon.

Isacas: I... I understand. Thank you, Gene.

----------------------------------------------------------

[The Director returns to Mission Control]

Gene: Welcome back, Director. So, how'd it go with Wernher?

The Director: It puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again.

Gene: I'm going to assume that means he'll analyse the data and see if he can get it to work.

The Director: If he can't I'll be installing TweakScale to make it work. So, can we go to Duna yet?

Gene: Uh... no, I'm afraid not. The Ore Lander is out of fuel again.

The Director: What? Why? Have you betrayed me at last, Gene? What did you do you traitor?!

Gene: Calm down, Sir. We got 40-something experiments out of it.

The Director: Aaaand you are instantly forgiven. Carry on. What about the D'endrrah?

Gene: Basically no change.

The Director: Arright, this is stupid. They need an Engineer. Can we get them one? 

Gene: Steve can head over to them.

The Director: No, I don't want them to share. Can we get them their own engineer?

Gene: You mean from the Uvhash? They don't even have the delta-V to get off Ike right now.

The Director: ... I wonder if we can land the Uvhash on Ike? It's got plenty of delta-V now that it's dropped most of the payload.

Gene: [horrified pause]... no. No! Definitely not! Not unless you want to use solar panels as landing legs!

The Director: ... you know, I kinda do.

Gene: No!

The Director: What about EVAing down to Ike from Low Orbit?

Gene: That's rediculous!

The Director: And I'm doin' it anways!

Gene: Okay well, while you're doing that, I'm going to have Steve and Isacas meet up with Val and Bob on Ike. There's still a few experiments at the south pole and western mountains we can do on the way.

The Director: Sure.

Gene: And you've got nothing against Steve helping Val and Bob get fuel faster, right?

The Director: 'Course not.

Gene: And, now that they've got plenty of delta-V, you've of course got nothing against them rendezvousing with the Uvhash instead of forcing some poor innocent engineer to perform a death-defying stunt, right?

The Director: ... I have been thwarted. Well played, Gene Kerman. Fine, they'll rendezvous after the Ike pass. We'll leave the Ike docking for later.

Gene: Thank you, sir.

Grafry jets over to join Val and Bob. In hindsight, I probably should have sent Bill and kept the A-team together. Oh well, I'm pretty sure Graf has more stars anyway.

The Director: Pleeeaase let me go to Duna already, I want to crawl on the sand with my fingered nails!

Gene: What?

The Director: References.

Gene: Oh.

The Director: Alright, let's airbrake into low Duna orbit!

Valentina: I wonder if I can land the ship with that rover attached?

Bob: No!

Grafry: No!

Valentina: You make a good point. Alright, Grafry, we need to detach the rover and send it on it's way, so help me knock Bob out. 

Grafry: Okay!

Bob: what?

[SMACK]

----------------------------------------------------------

Bob: [wakes up] Uuugh what happened-

Valentina: Bye Bob! Bring us back some science!

Bob: Wha- Aaaaaaaaaa!

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: Please tell me she just decided to do that and it wasn't part of the mission.

The Director: I don't understand. I mean, obviously the rover was designed to be de-orbited. Originally the Uvhash was supposed to be in Low Duna Orbit, though.

Gene: Did you intend for Bob to be thrown to Duna from Orbit?

The Director: No comment.

Gene: I shouldn't have asked.

Gene: ... poor Bob.

The Director: That's what he get's for trying to play pilot.

Gene: [ragged, long-suffering sigh]

Gene: I assume that thing was supposed to be upright.

The Director: No worries, Bob's got this.

The Director: And now Bob can go around and scan surface features!

The Director: ... say nothing.

Gene: I didn't.

The Director: You were thinking it, you stand-up guy.

The Director: Well, bob can still do other science. This isn't a huge problem.

Gene: I beg to differ.

The Director: Oh what now?!

Gene: We have a contract to scan a Duna Stone, remember?

The Director: Uuuuueeaaargh! OKAY! WE CAN DEAL WITH THIS! VALENTINA!

Valentina: [via radio] Yup Boss?

The Director: Go meet up with Bob!

Valentina: Sure! On it!

The Director: This should be interesting.

Gene: Why?

The Director: Because it that thing is really unbalanced right now. Landing it is going to be practically impossible...

----------------------------------------------------------

F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9

----------------------------------------------------------

 Valentina ended up taking a particularly steep retrograde descent and blowing the chutes as soon to try and stay upright on final approach.

Grafry: Oh dammit, this is all useless! Why don't we have any spare batteries? 

Valentina: Pull the batteries off this craft, we're not going anywhere for a while.

Grafry: There aren't any! The battery bank is internal!

Bob: Is there anything else that holds electric charge?

Grafry: Let's see... there's a fuel cell array and a probe core. Let's try attaching those to the rover...

Valentina: Son of a-

----------------------------------------------------------

The Director: [rage quit]

----------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[Quasar]

----------------------------------------------------------

Epsiode 14: Duna Superstation

(Part 4: Cleaning Up)

----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

 

[Gene watches the Director storm furiously out of the room]

Gene: Finally. Okay folks, he's gone! Let's clean this mess up before he gets back. Isacas, Steve, are you there?

Isacas: Hey Gene! B-team here.

Gene: ... B-team?

Steve: Yeah, we figure Val, Bill and Bob are the A-team, so that makes me, Isacas and Jedlo the B-team.

Gene: Technically, Jebediah's also a part of the A-team. Though the Director doesn't seem to like him for some reason.

Isacas: Can we have Grafry, then?

Gene: You can do whatever you want, since these 'teams' of yours are completely unofficial. Though... I kind of like the idea of organizing everyone into teams... [shakes head] That's not important right now! I need you to launch for Duna immediately. Get that Ore to Duna and land as close to Bob and Valentina as you can.

Isacas: Sure.

Gene: Oh, and remember that you're carrying a lot of ore. Thrust-to-weight will be low, so start your slow-down burn as soon as possible.

Steve: We've got this.

Gene: Okay, that's the Ike-to-Duna Ore Contract complete. Steve, Bob should be driving over now. You know about his situation?

Steve: Yeah, we were eavesdropping via the radio.

Isacas: In our defense, Ike is incredibly boring.

Gene: You know what to do then.

Steve: [trips]

Isacas: Pfff- Hahahaha!

Steve: I meant to do that!

Steve: There you go, Bob. I've hooked up the scanner arm. It should now be operational.

Bob: [nods gratefully and trundles off to do science for the rest of the afternoon]

Isacas: ...why is he doing everything upside down?

Steve: Don't question it. Trust me, it's easier that way.

Gene: Okay, what do we still have left?

Gene: Duna stone and Duna Ejecta, check, Bob's picked up one of each. Wilgan and Lemfrod are waiting to come home aboard the Uvhash, check. Steve and Isacas will need to travel back to Ike from Duna with the Ore they picked up, and Val should follow them. Okay, that's a nice and simple flight plan. The D'endrrah and the Ore Lander can stop over at Ike, then rendezvous with the Uvhash for the trip home. So long as nothing unexpected happens, we should be-

The Director: [Bursts into Mission Control] HI EVERYONE I'M BACK! LAUNCH BOB INTO SPACE!

Gene: What.

Bob: Oh god no.

The Director: Whoops, there goes the antenna. On the bright side, at least now the radio isn't full of his screaming.

Gene: You're a monster.

Gene: ... but why though?

The Director: It looked like you weren't going to.

Gene: Because it wasn't necessary! The D'endrrah is a passenger SSTO and it's right there.

The Director: I put a rocket on that rover so I'm going to use it.  Don't question my methods, Gene. Also, why were you taking control of my mission? Are you trying to usurp my power?

Gene: I'm your second in command and you ran out of the room screaming something about quicksaves.

The Director: Oh yeah, that did happen.

Gene: Anyway. Should I have the B-team deliver that ore to Ike now?

The Director: What the hell is a B-team?

Gene: ... yeah, no, not even going to try and explain it. Steve, you know what to do.

Steve: I do know what to do!

The Director: I knew it, you are trying to usurp my power! Well two can play at that game! Val!

Valentina: Yeah, boss?

The Director: You know what to do!

Valentina: [awkward] ... Um, no?

The Director: Oh for the love of- do whatever Steve just did!

Valentina: To Ike, then?

The Director: Yes!

Valentina: Should I... pick up Bob on the way?

The Director: Um... okay, yes. Do that.

Valentina: Sweet!

Valentina: God, this thing flies so much better when it's full of fuel.

The Director: I know, right? I probably should have tested that before sending it to Duna.

Gene: Yes. Yes you should have.

Valentina: Eh, it's fine. Makes it more interesting.

Valentina: Hi Bob! Good to see you again! Still got all that science?

Bob: [Gibbering madness]

Valentina: Glad to hear it, buddy! Let's go to Ike.

Gene: Alright, they're both on Ike to refuel. One more mission goal, and then...

The Director: Already done!

Gene: [raises finger to say something]... [lowers finger without saying anything]...

The Director: So, that's everything done, right? They're ready to come home!

Gene: ... indeed. So... how are we getting everyone home?

The Director: I dunno. Didn't think that far ahead. You've got idea's, right?

Gene: Okay, yes, that's true. I have two possible strategies.

The Director: Hit me!

Gene: I'd get arrested if I did. Here's what I've got: firstly, we could bring them all home aboard the D'endrrah. I know you intended it as a passenger SSTO for the Duna system, but quite frankly it's balance problems are a danger to everyone aboard. I suggest we bring it back and scrap it for parts.

The Director: I want to object, but I also don't want to completely destroy my F9 button.

Gene: The second option is... a bit more complicated. The contract to place a station in Duna orbit didn't say we had to leave it there. We could bring the entire Uvhash habitat home and send an SSTO up to it to pick up the crew.

The Director: I dunno if I can build an SSTO.

Gene: I'll send you an online tutorial.

The Director: But the Ike contract says-

Gene: That we have to recover a vessel from the orbit of Ike. What if they were to bring back Bob's little rover-rocket with them? It's been to Ike, and the Uvhash has a claw we could attach it to.

The Director: Gene... when did you become a genius?! That's brilliant!

Gene: Your approval fills me with shame.

The Director: But you're not quite there yet. There's a better solution than either of those!

Gene: Your excitement fills me with dread.

The Director: We can do... BOTH AT ONCE!

Valentina: Hey everyone! Didya miss me?

Everyone: No!

Bill: Well, I did.

Valentina: You don't count.

Bill: Aww.

----------------------------------------------------------

[1 wait for a transfer window later]

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: Alright folks! T-minus 5 seconds! Hang on to something, and let's... go... IntoASolarOrbitFromWhichWeCanPerformTheFinalKerbinInjectionBurn.

[engines briefly puff on]

Isacas: Well, that was anti-climactic.

Valentina: The big burn comes later.

----------------------------------------------------------

[later]

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: BIG BURN NOW! [Fires up engines without warning]

Bob: Aaaaaaaaarrrrrgggh!

Valentina: Whoops. Did I trigger some traumatic memories there?

Grafry: No, he spilled his coffee on his lap.

Bob: It buuuurrrrrrrnnsss!

----------------------------------------------------------

[Yet more later still!]

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: Kerbin capture burn!

Jedlo: Uuuuh... slight issue. We definitely had more delta-V than that left. We'll be able to capture, but not much than that.

Valentina: Huh. That's weird. HEY! BILL!

Bill: Yes, my friend?

Valentina: Go stick your head in a fuel tank and tell me what you see.

Bill: Certainly! [sticks his head in a fuel tank] Tons of liquid fuel, no oxidizer and a lot less hydrogen than we should have.

Valentina: Alright, who left the fuel cell on? Come on! Whoever did it needs to come clean or we're all staying back after class!

Jedlo: I think I can see a 3-burn course to Minmus for refueling. We have enough dV to make it, but... barely.

Valentina: What does "barely" mean?

Jedlo: We have 231 m/s dV. First burn is 175.3, intercept is 18.5, and Minmus capture is 16.5, leaving us with about 20 m/s left over. If that evaporates, we'll need a new plan.

Valentina: Urgh, math. Can we leave anything behind?

Jedlo: If we do, it'll eventually hit the moon or be flung into solar orbit.

Valentina: We'll take the risk, then! Let's go! Apoapsis Burn!

Jedlo: 54 m/s left!

Valentina: Intercept burn!

Jedlo: In 132 days!

Valentina: ...what?

Jedlo: We'll have to wait a while for the orbits to line up.

Valentina: ... you ruined it. You ruined the pacing.

Jedlo: Oh. Sorry. I didn't realise we were doing a bit.

----------------------------------------------------------

[132 days later]

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: Okay, let's try this again. Jedlo!

Jedlo: 54 m/s left!

Valentina: Intercept burn!

Jedlo: 37 m/s left!

Valentina: We overshot! Correction burn!

Jedlo: 30 m/s left!

Valentina: Minmus capture burn!

Jedlo: 6m/s left... and we have a stable Minmus Orbit. We did it!

----------------------------------------------------------

Yomagn'tho: HELLO. I WILL BE YOUR MINMUS REFUELING UNIT. MY NAME IS YOMAGN'THO. HOW MAY I HELP YOU TODAY?

Valentina: Whoa, you're a big boy. I'll take one order of sweet minty hydrogen with a side of oxidizer, please. And take care with the solar panels, they're fragile.

The Refueler: ACKNOWLEDGED. DISPENSING HYDROGEN. DISPENSING OXIDIZER. HAVE A NICE DAY.

It's job done, the Yomagn'tho returned to Minmus

----------------------------------------------------------

Gene: One last thing to do. Bring them home, Val.

Valentina: Roger that, Control!

Gene: I never actually asked, what exactly are you going to do with the Uvhash habitat module?

The Director: I thought that was obvious. I'm going to add it to the KSS.

Gene: ... the KSS. The LKO space station you mentioned in passing once and then never brought up again?

The Director: Yep! The Kerbinternational Space Station. Jewel of the Kerbin system.

Gene: Kerbinternational isn't a word.

The Director: It'll look good there. Coming up on the station now.

Gene: Is that it? Somehow I was expecting more.

The Director: Just gotta get rid of this spare booster...

The Director: There we go.

Gene: Okay, now for the hard part. Val?

Valentina: Let's do thiiiiiis!

Gene: Before you do that, have someone re-pack your parachutes. Just in case.

Valentina: Betchya I can land it without them.

The Director: I bet ya can't!

Gene: You're realise you're both wagering 20 Kerbals lives on this bet, right?

Valentina: Let's do thiiiiis!

----------------------------------------------------------

Valentina: Uh oh, what was that?

The Director: I think you just blew one of the lights off with the engine gimbals. Why'd you turn them back on?

Valentina: Because I need them, because I didn't refuel it entirely and it's still off-balance.

Gene: Why not?!

The Director: Well, unlike Gene, I respect your decisions, but you shouldn't a did that. The gimbals are locked to keep it from blowing it's own rear fins off.

Valentina: Ooooh. That's why we're spinning wildly out of control right now. That makes sense.

Gene: You're what?!

Valentina: Oh crap, here comes re-entry. See you on the other side folks!

[communications cut off by re-entry plasma]

Valentina: Kssssssshhhh- there? Are you there? Gene?

Gene: There you are! We hear you. What happened?

Valentina: Good news and bad news. The good news is we survived re-entry and nothing exploded.

The Director: A new record!

Valentina: Bad news is the parachutes deployed and now I don't get to land it properly.

The Director: Hah! I win the bet!

Valentina: You win nothing! It's your fault the staging was all screwed up in the first place!

The Director: Nope! The bet was that you could land it without the parachutes. You're landing it with parachutes, ergo I win.

Valentina: You little-

Gene: Children, children! Can we please focus on landing the goddamn plane.

Valentina: And we're down.

The Director: See, Gene? Easy.

The Director: Will you stop moving for a second so i can recover the plane?

Valentina: Maybe next time you give it brakes that can actually keep it from rolling down hills?

The Director: Or you could land it somewhere flat for once.

Valentina: Screw you, Director! My landing sites are perfect!

The Director: Stop! Moving!

Valentina: Fine! Boop!

----------------------------------------------------------

Mission Complete!

• All contract goals achieved!
• Science: 10417
• 5 star Kerbals: Valentina, Bob, Isacas, Steve and Grafry.
• Total Profit: 7,454,000 funds

----------------------------------------------------------

Late that night, after a somewhat rowdy party with all the kerbonauts returning from Duna, Gene Kerman stumbled home. He was only a little bit drunk, or at least that's what he would have told anyone who had asked, but he was smart enough not to try driving home in this state. He heard a "psst" as he passed by a Baobab tree that penetrated the comfortable haze of his inebriated mind.

 

Baobab Tree: Psst. Hey, psst! Gene Kerman! Gene! Kerman!

Gene: [blurry] Wassa fffff- tree? Wassa tree doin' talkin' ta me?

Baobab Tree: I'm not a- I'm behind the tree you drunk moron!

Gene: I'm no' a moron! Efferyone else is ssssstttt- ssstttooo- dumb. But I'm not. Im a smart one. An' you're just a tree don't tell me what ta do.

Baobab Tree: Fine, I'm coming out.

 

A kerbal stepped out from behind the tree. Their face and body were completely hidden beneath a dark hooded cloak, but from their movements they seemed nervous. They kept glancing around, as if making sure they were alone. When they spoke, their voice was deep and robotic sounding, most likely being obscured by some sort of voice synthesizer.

 

Hooded Kerbal: Listen, Mr. Kerman. Try to focus, please. This is important.

Gene: Lotta stuff's important, friend buddy friend. Like parachutes! An' budgets, an' not building fffffff- horrible sssstooopid abominations and pretending they're rockets...

Hooded Kerbal: It's about the former director!

Gene: [abruptly stops moving] Whaddyou say?

Hooded Kerbal: I know you looked up to her! Listen, I can't talk for long, they're looking for me, but-

Gene: [suddenly shouting] WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!

Hooded Kerbal: Shh, they'll hear you! Listen! She didn't steal the money!

Gene: ... what?

Hooded Kerbal: The money wasn't stolen, it was spent!

Gene: Spent? ... what does that mean?

Hooded Kerbal: Look into the accounts, Mr. Kerman! Follow the money! You're a smart Kerbal, connect the dots yourself! And don't tell anyone what you're doing. They'll be coming for you too, sooner or later. You can't trust them! You can't trust anyone!

Gene: Who are you? Who are they? What's this all about?

 

The wind suddenly changed, and there was a muffled noise in the distance. It was probably just some small animal, but the Hooded Kerbal flinched and looked around frantically for the source of the noise. Gene realized this person was more than just nervous. They were terrified.

 

Hooded Kerbal: I have to go before they find me! I'll be in touch. Don't tell anyone about me.

Gene: I don't even know who you are!

Hooded Kerbal: Trust me. It's safer that way.

Gene: Trust you? But... wait, hang on, you just told me not to trust anyo-

Hooded Kerbal: Goodbye, Mr. Kerman! Trust no one!

 

The Hooded Kerbal faded into the night, or at least tried to. The effect was rather ruined by the fact that there was still just enough light to render them completely visible as they awkwardly backed away, before finally turning 180 and sprinting away on their short Kerbal legs. Gene stared as the figure fled into the night and, suddenly feeling very sober, made a mental note to ask Mortimer to borrow his accounting records tomorrow morning.

----------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Quasar

[jimmymcgoochie]

Is it just me, or did you miss the ‘bring stuff back’ contracts on that last update?

Also really hoping to bump this onto page 2 as the loading times with all those images are getting obscenely long...

[Quasar]

9 minutes ago, jimmymcgoochie said:

Is it just me, or did you miss the ‘bring stuff back’ contracts on that last update?

Also really hoping to bump this onto page 2 as the loading times with all those images are getting obscenely long...

Bob picked those up and put them in the D'endrreh while he was on Duna and Ike.

I'll see if spoilering all the posts helps any with the loading times.