KSK

First Flight (Chapter 104 - Shoulders to the Wheel)

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As the Green Lantern might say: JUDAS PRIEST! Your writing has greatly improved. :) Below is a copy-edited part of your first story.

---

A shaft of sunlight peeped between the shutters, illuminating a sleeping kerbal's chin. As Kerbol climbed the clear morning sky, so the shaft upwards crept until it silently brushed one large, green eyelid, which twitched then suddenly snapped open! Jeb jerked onto his side, and his eyes widened at the time on his alarm clock: Half past ten!

He leaped to his feet and frantically scrambled for his clothes, Everyone must have been waiting in the yard for hours! then grabbed a shirt and yanked, It's stuck.

Jeb curled and twisted his fist in the fabric and pulled, "Come on!".

Jeb grabbed it with both hands and heaved; the shirt ripped, and he backward, headfirst hurtled into the top corner of his dresser. His head cracked against the wood, and blood and a tear dripped to the floor while stars exploded before his eyes. Jeb grimaced at his half-prize. It bore a logo: K.S.P. Birds that had been searching his lawn for seeds and worms fled into the air when he screamed at onrushing the tidal wave of memories: the Münshot's explosion in the azure sky, the strained smiles at the beach party, and the parting reminder from Genie that all should rest until noon.

So... I... didn't even have to do that.

The tide, having ravaged his heart, slowly receded into the oceans of his mind. Jeb shook while wiping his twin tidal pools and drawing cool, morning air into his boiling breast. Then he gingerly touched the back of his head and rose to stumble to the window. He parted its shutters, letting the crisp autumn sunlight pour in: across the road he glimpsed the first dusting of frost, and ice sparkled on puddles in the road, dazzling him with reflections. Jeb winced upon remembering his last mug of beer and conversation with Ornie, Going to have to apologise for that, Jeb.

Fluffy clouds rose over the horizon of his placid waters, and Jeb grinned, Plenty of time for a long shower, a hot breakfast, and a quick stroll to clear this beer fog before work.

---

Advice:

1.) As ... so ... is a logical operation whereby two processes are compared. See your first sentence.

2.) Italics can indicate a character's thoughts.

3.) Jeb is upset and stressed and therefore should accordingly act throughout the scene. I used his frustratedly ripping a shirt and experiencing a flood of memories as a crude example.

4.) Unless discord is your artistic goal, harmonious writing is desirable. Therefore when listing, write in parallel: the X, the Y, and the Z rather than the X, the Y, and a Z.

5.) Your description of Jeb's eye veins was vivid (well done!) but detracted from the soft peace of morning.

-Duxwing

Edited by Duxwing

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I think that missing phone line is abused by a Rockomax spy to tap the KIS mission control bunker, perhaps even to send disruptive commands...

... and thank you from the bottom of my heart for not using the word 'Orientating'. So much wrong with the English language today, including people who can't use it correctly :) At least you can!

.

[sarcasm]

Please forgive us, second-hand English users. For not all of us have mastered the finesse and delicacy of English that true-born Americans and British have.

[/sarcasm]

I understand the difference between your/you're, their/they're/there, its/it's, and a few similar cases (thank you Oatmeal).

I'd recon that puts me in the higher ranks of internet (ab)users.

Edited by OrtwinS

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I wasn't putting anyone down here actually. Sorry if I came across that way. I've just run into so many people who get things wrong like that... OK, I may have done a few similar mistakes myself like that... *Ahem* Still, generally once pointed out to me I learn from it. I've seen people stick with something like that time and time again, no matter what you say *sigh*

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Thanks for the links Ortwin. I'll add them to the OP as requested. I've also updated the blog (go-go post spam), so that's all in one piece now, right up to Far Side.

And done! Does bbcode include tags for putting lists in multiple columns? The link list is going to get a bit unwieldy otherwise. Its fine for now but I may have to rethink the formatting in a few chapters time.

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Oh I should think not! After all they haven't even built a mainsail yet :)

Heh - I couldn't possibly comment :) In the meantime, if you didn't already spot it, have a quick look at 'Mun or Bust' (hey these urls are really handy - who knew) and the part name for their prototype liquid fuel engine (not the 48-7D). Then extrapolate that last letter a bit...

Edited by KSK

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I wasn't putting anyone down here actually. Sorry if I came across that way. I've just run into so many people who get things wrong like that... OK, I may have done a few similar mistakes myself like that... *Ahem* Still, generally once pointed out to me I learn from it. I've seen people stick with something like that time and time again, no matter what you say *sigh*

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much, Patupi. The trend, over the last decade or so, seems to be creating new words where the new word isn't needed or using words combined improperly. My personal pet peeve is 'These ones'.

But enough of that. :) Excellent chapter KSK!

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I wasn't putting anyone down here actually. Sorry if I came across that way. I've just run into so many people who get things wrong like that... OK, I may have done a few similar mistakes myself like that... *Ahem* Still, generally once pointed out to me I learn from it. I've seen people stick with something like that time and time again, no matter what you say *sigh*
I wouldn't beat yourself up too much, Patupi. The trend, over the last decade or so, seems to be creating new words where the new word isn't needed or using words combined improperly. My personal pet peeve is 'These ones'.

But enough of that. :) Excellent chapter KSK!

I apologize, my words were poorly chosen.

I actually share your appreciation for this well written story, and proper grammar in general. The comment sounded more humorous in my mind, but I clearly failed in communicating the joke.

@KSK

If you just want to made a nummered list, use

[noparse]

  1. [/noparse]
    [noparse]
  2. Item 1[/noparse]
    [noparse]
  3. Item 2[/noparse]
    [noparse]

[/noparse]

To get this:

  1. Item 1
  2. Item 2

And testing just revealed Squad allows BBCode tables (yay! :D)

[table]

[tr]

[th]Bla[/th]

[th]blah[/th]

[th]BLAH![/th]

[/tr]

[tr]

[td]COUGH[/td]

[td]peekaboo[/td]

[td]Bold[/td]

[/tr]

[tr]

[td]italics[/td]

[th]This one has a border![/th]

[td]Link to Google[/td]

[/tr]

[/table]

You should be able to change column width and height, and I think there are other border options. But I wouldn't know how. You probably can't, that must be seperately programmed into the forum.

edit: and border = bold text, so you probably should only use it for headers

Edited by OrtwinS
more stuff in cells, new info

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Squad allows codes from the British Broadcast Corporation? What'dya know?

I didn't know you could do that with borders. Cool, have to look them up.

And Ortwins, don't fuss it over the comment. Post format (or just typing in general) is notorious for not getting emotions and intentions over well. Consider it already... forgotten... wait, what were talking about again?

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While it may seem contrived both Jeb's crew and Rockomax get setbacks at roughly the same time keep in mind the sheer number of failures in the early space program, especially on the russian side (America had a lot of failures. Spectacular failures, but they were all public. Russia didn't publicize it's failures unless it had to. Image and politics.)

Rocketry is Hard and both groups are under public spotlight.

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Yes - a bit of storyteller's license there. :) I wanted to give some idea of the difficulty involved in getting to the Mun but the failures got compressed together a bit rather than have too many chapters describing variations on a theme of 'one party gets reprieve as other party's probe gets lost in space due to technical fault'.

CornHuskerKenny - welcome aboard and glad you're enjoying it!

OrtwinS - cheers for that. A table looks just the ticket for putting some order into the chapter links.

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So no pressure then.... :D

Nah - it's OK, I knew what you meant.

No real idea about an ETA I'm afraid and I suspect that the amount of time I have for writing is going to tail off a bit in the run up to the festive season. The weekends are starting to look a bit crowded already and if last year is anything to go by, its going to be crunch time at work, which won't give me a lot of time during the week either.

But we'll see what happens. I have an outline of the next chapter roughed out, half of the final chapter for Part 2 written and a pretty good idea of what happens (and quite a lot does) between those two points. Slower updates will not mean a forgotten story!

Edited by KSK

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Yes, as Tealc would say 'Indeed'. (I'm sorry, I've been on a Stargate binge recently and it's kind of addictive)

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Yes, as Tealc would say 'Indeed'. (I'm sorry, I've been on a Stargate binge recently and it's kind of addictive)

Uh... Do you mean Starmade?

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*lol* No! Oh dear... I'm talking about the TV show Stargate SG1, with the character Tealc (assuming I spelled that correctly)

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Supposed to be an apostrophe in that name somewhere, but I know who you mean. Fellow Stargate fan here...

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Probably Teal'c then. Forgot that. Me and my wife are binge watching all ten seasons of this right now. This and Stargate Atlantis are firm favorites of ours. Shame Atlantis got cancelled, and though I didn't like it to begin with Stargate universe was just starting to grow on me when that was cancelled. Doesn't seem to be a lot of spacey scifi on TV now other than movies. No startrek, no stargate, no buckrogers rip off etc. Great shame.

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Amen to that.

KSP 101: Jeb or one of his cohorts at KIS must always be the first to set foot on the Mun.

Any attempt by another party (Rockomax or otherwise) will always meet with failure as a result do to Jebs EXTREME awsomeness.

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How does it look whit these crowded weekends? Do you have any significant progress on the next chapter. Sorry for being so... (what do you call it when you keep asking) but your writings are the best dope around.

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Amen to that.

KSP 101: Jeb or one of his cohorts at KIS must always be the first to set foot on the Mun.

Any attempt by another party (Rockomax or otherwise) will always meet with failure as a result do to Jebs EXTREME awsomeness.

... and then end up with JEB stranded on the Mun! *lol* Crashing? Naww, that's falling with style!

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... and then end up with JEB stranded on the Mun! *lol* Crashing? Naww, that's falling with style!

:D

Next chapter is (finally) rolling along. I knew where I wanted it to go, have known that for a while, but it took me some time to figure out how to get it started. It's shaping up to be quite a long one too - I'm about three pages in and not much has happened yet plot-wise.

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