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The Revenge of Genenand Kerman


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I was thinking lately about making a story like the great ones I've already read, so I finally put my mind to it. Please tell me anything I should do differently, as this is my first writing. I like to use constructive criticism to my advantage. Hope you enjoy it!

Chapters:

One-on this page

Two-on this page

Chapters 3,4,5

Chapter 1

Genenand Kerman squinted as he stuck his head out the window of his old Kerbsmobile pickup and entered his I.D. number into the keypad. Seconds later, the barbed wire-topped security gate slowly opened, squeaking and groaning as it did. He mumbled to himself, "That thing needs replacing, like all of the staff at KSC." When the gate had opened, he sighed and drove through, down toward the main facility. "This is going to be a long day.", he thought as the truck rumbled down the road.

He always had long days. Even though he was a technical sergeant, the staff treated him like a guinea pig. He went on almost every mission because the rest of the pilots didn't know how to operate all of the systems. Even if the mission might cost him his life, which most of them did, the mission commander, Halzer, almost always made him go.

The only real friend he had was Andas. They had the same job, and loved to have nerdy discussions about how the navball worked or what the heat exchanger did. The only time he really got to spend with him was if they were on the same mission, or if they were on lunch break. He savored all of that time. The rest was just crap. Clock in, check the mission schedule, see his name on the list, sigh, fly the mission, be glad he lived afterwards. Every day.

As he pulled into the parking lot in front of the astronaut complex, he turned off the engine, got out and began a slow,

depressing walk to the large, almost semi-circular building to begin another uneventful day at the space center.

Edited by GamerMitch
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OK, first of all - interesting start! I can imagine that being a kerbonaut is many things but boring is not one of them. So that's a good hook to pull readers into your first chapter.

Next - breaking your text into paragraphs would make it more readable. You'll have your own ideas about the best way to do this but purely as an example:

Genenand Kerman squinted as he stuck his head out the window of his old Kerbsmobile pickup and entered his I.D. number into the keypad. Seconds later, the barbed wire-topped security gate slowly opened, squeaking and groaning as it did. He mumbled to himself, "That thing needs replacing, like all of the staff at KSC." When the gate had opened, he sighed and drove through, down toward the main facility. "This is going to be a long day.", he thought as the truck rumbled down the road.

He always had long days. Even though he was a technical sergeant, the staff treated him like a guinea pig. He went on almost every mission because the rest of the pilots didn't know how to operate all of the systems. Even if the mission might cost him his life, which most of them did, the mission commander, Halzer, almost always made him go.

The only real friend he had was Andas. They had the same job, and loved to have nerdy discussions about how the navball worked or what the heat exchanger did. The only time he really got to spend with him was if they were on the same mission, or if they were on lunch break. He savored all of that time. The rest was just crap. Clock in, check the mission schedule, see his name on the list, sigh, fly the mission, be glad he lived afterwards. Every day.

As he pulled into the parking lot in front of the astronaut complex, he turned off the engine, got out and began a slow, depressing walk to the large, almost semi-circular building to begin another uneventful day at the space center.

Each paragraph (roughly speaking) introduces a new idea. First paragraph - introduction to main character. Second paragraph - the trials and tribulations of the job. Third paragraph - the best friend. Fourth paragraph - lead into the next chapter.

Third - in general showing works better than telling. Again - purely as an example:

Even though he was a technical sergeant, the staff treated him like a guinea pig.

OK, that gets the information across but how about something like this:

"The gate guard tipped him a mocking salute as he drove past. "Morning Suicide - I mean Sarge." Genenand ground his teeth. "That's Technical Sergeant to you," he muttered under his breath."

Very rough and ready but it gets the same sort of ideas across. The main point is that you're showing how Genenand gets on with one of his colleagues and letting the reader fill in the information themselves - that he gets sent on all the duff missions, that nobody takes him very seriously and that he's pretty much past the point of caring (since when is a technical sergeant bullied by a gate guard?)

Finally - and most importantly. All of the above is just one guy-on-the-internet's opinion, so feel free to disagree with it, pick holes in it or just plain ignore it. :)

Good luck - I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

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Next chapter is up.

Chapter 2

As soon as Genenand walked in, he saw Andas sitting at a table with a cup of coffee. Some of the other Kerbonauts were playing competetive games of pool while others were also at tables playing Kexas hold 'em, while occasionally shouting curses and throwing down their cards when they discovered another player had a better hand.

"Hey Andas" Genenand said in a melancholy voice as he sat down next to him. "What's up?" Andas said questionably. Genenand said, "Well, It's just my job."

"What about it?"

"I'm always getting picked for missions" said Genenand.

"So? Missions are great!"

"To you they are. To me, it's basically being stuck with a bunch of clowns on a rocket that could explode any second!" He replied sharply.

Halcott looked up from the pool table and uttered lazily "What'd you say?"

"Look, the space program isn't the best right now. We're low on funding and we're limited on crew. But I still like to make the best of it."

Genenand sighed, got up, and walked over to the mission board with his fingers crossed behind his back, hoping he wasn't selected for any missions. He read the list:

Mission to refuel KSS

Al Kerman

Steve Kerman

Genenand Kerman

Report to VAB at 1:30p.m.

"Just my luck!" he said furiously as he stormed to the locker area to get his spacesuit.

About an hour later, Genenand walked out, fully suited, with a frown.

"Come on, man. Turn that frown upside down!" Andas said cheerfully.

"Shut up, Andas.",He mumbled to himself.

Genenand walked in to the VAB to see the rest of the crew and the Blahblah Mk.2. Halzer was also there.

"Genenand Kerman, here." He said halfheartedly.

"Alright, you boys get out to the launch tower and be ready by 1:15." Halzer said.

"I'm not a boy!" Genenand quickly corrected.

"Whatever."

As he reluctantly stepped into the command pod and tossed Halzer's preflight checklist out the hatch, he told the other two his own preflight checklist as he flopped his harness onto his chest without bucking it.

"Listen up you numbskulls. Don't touch anything and leave all of the flying to me. Got it?"

Al and Steve, both smiling, nodded in anticipation.

Genenand mumbled, "I bet they couldn't tell an engine from a nose cone." He closed the hatch, and Halzer's nasal voice crackled onto the radio.

"Fuel pumps?"

"Normal." Genenand said.

"Gauges?"

"Smudged as crap, but working."

"Thrusters?"

"Just launch already!"

"Jeez, okay!" Halzer said as he ignited the rockets."Liftoff!"

"Wheeeeeee!" said the other two Kerbonauts in unison as the rocket slowly lifted off.

--------------

Andas squinted to look at the TV screen mounted on the wall as he sipped his coffee.

"That's a big rocket." He said to himself as a blurry image of the Blahblah Mk.2 gradually lifted higher and higher into the summertime sky. Almost everyone in the room was watching the closest TV to them.

"I'm seeing a spray coming out of one of the outer tanks." Dobus said uneasily.

"Yeah, I see it too." Rayfry slowly replied.

Andas held his breath, his heart pounding through his chest, hoping it wasn't serious. Almost simultaneously, there was a small explosion near the bottom of one of the boosters. Then, in the blink of an eye, there was an enormous boom that knocked plates and glasses off the tables that had them. Everyone in the room gasped. On the screen, the pod had detatched from the now flaming rocket, with its parachute deployed. Everyone watched as the pod slowly drifted down while the rocket crashed into the sea in the background. Ambulances immediately pulled up.

The hatch finally opened, and Al and Steve came out. Not Genenand. Not genenand. Please not Genenand, Andas thought as anxiously waited for him to come out. Finally, the rescue team had to pull Genenand out of the cockpit. Shepdas, the softie of the group, began sniffling, a tear running down his cheek. "What happen to Genenand?" he asked mournfully.

Just then, a medical officer came in and said,"Genenand's injuries aren't life-threatening. He's just unconscious at the moment." Everyone let out their breath at once, which created an unpleasant medley of smells floating in the room that consisted of spaghetti, orange soda, pizza, nachos, and other indescribable things. Then, everyone forgot what they were doing and immediately started walking away. The pool tables still had balls on them,and playing cards were strewn everywhere. Within 2 minutes, everyone had left and done something else. Even the chefs were shuffling out the front door, their heads shaking. Andas, still at his table, put his coffee down, got up, walked out the front door to his car, got in, and set his GPS to the Kainestown hospital.

Edited by GamerMitch
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Each paragraph (roughly speaking) introduces a new idea. First paragraph - introduction to main character. Second paragraph - the trials and tribulations of the job. Third paragraph - the best friend. Fourth paragraph - lead into the next chapter.

Huh, never thought of it like that. I always assumed paragraphs were more extended versions of commas. Commas mark natural pauses, breaks in the flow. Paragraphs more so, breaks in thought more than flow. When the train of the feel changes to a new tone, and that is usually when you think of natural pauses between sentences.

Oh and just as an aside Gamermitch, when you have quotes for speech, generally you use a paragraph to separate each speaker, so if you have two people rapidly talking back and forth you end up with very short lines before the paragraphs :)

Other than that I have to agree with KSK. I like the flow of this, the feel of the characters and the descriptions of scenes. Very nice, keep up the good work!

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Huh, never thought of it like that. I always assumed paragraphs were more extended versions of commas. Commas mark natural pauses, breaks in the flow. Paragraphs more so, breaks in thought more than flow. When the train of the feel changes to a new tone, and that is usually when you think of natural pauses between sentences.

Yeah - 'breaks in thought' is a better way of putting it than 'new ideas.'

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Yeah, but 'when the train of the feel changes' is a pretty bad way of putting it *lol*. Erm, think of it like when ever focus changes? As in, when a person changes what his attention is on, or when the narration changes focus. IE there is one paragraph of when a Kerbal is staring up at a rocket, describing it. When he turns to his compatriot and looks at him (and we get a description of that new kerbal) you get a new paragraph. That sound about right KSK?

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Lol - we'll get there in the end and that last version pretty much nails it. :) Good thing I included point 4 on my list of comments though!

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Oh and just as an aside Gamermitch, when you have quotes for speech, generally you use a paragraph to separate each speaker, so if you have two people rapidly talking back and forth you end up with very short lines before the paragraphs :)

When you mentioned "very short lines before the speaker" wasn't I already doing that? If not, can you give an example please? thank you!

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"Hey Andas" Genenand said in a melancholy voice as he sat down next to him. "What's up?" Andas said questionably. Genenand said, "Well, It's just my job."

Here you have two seperate speakers on the same line, I guess that's the only one I see in there. Plus usually you have a paragraph ending (a blank line) between speakers too.

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Next chapter is ready!

Chapter 3

As a heavy snow came down, Andas struggled to see anything in front of him as he drove cautiously toward the Kainestown hospital. Even with his glasses on, he had trouble distinguishing a Smart Kar from a Kemi with an oversized load until he nearly hit it. Snow wasn't common in Kainestown, but when it came, it usually resulted in even the plows getting stuck.

As he drove on, he kept thinking about Genenand. What would he say to him? Would he be the good friend he still was? If not, who would replace him? These questions clouded his mind as he pulled in to the parking lot.

"Genenand Kerman."

"Room 307, 3rd floor." Said the receptionist.

"Thanks."

Andas found the elevator and jabbed the "up" button. He then got in and pushed the "3" button. He waited patiently for the elevator to ascend while looking at a Kerb Kerman poster. He heard a friendly "ding" and stepped out.

As he slowly opened the door, he heard Genenand say sleepily, "I don't need anymore snacks, thanks."

As Andas revealed himself, Genenand said, "Oh, its you."

"Hey Genenand, glad to see you."

"Oh, glad to see you, too." Genenand replied sarcastically.

"I understand you're hurt, but why aren't you happy to see me?"

"I'm frustrated. Not at you, but at Halzer."

"What about him? I know he has a nasally voice, and he's a bit crabby, but what's really bugging you?"

"Of all questions, you ask that! I think you should know by now."

"He... doesn't like you?"

"ugghhh... Forget it."

"Oooohhhh...I know what you're talking about. But injuries are just part of the job you have."

"You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to quit my job."

"You what?"

"You heard me right!"

"But...but you can't!"

"Oh, yes I can. Now get out before you anger me more."

------------- One week later...

"Come in"

Jebediah slowly entered Halzer's office.

"Grab a seat, stay awhile. You want some coffee?"

"No, thanks."

"So, recently, we've had a lot of failures with the KSS. So what I plan to do is go to the Mun!"

He pulled down a projector screen and began to click through the slides.

"So here, we have the rock-"

"Hold on, We're going to the Mun? That's awesome!"

"Yes we are. but before we go on, we need to discuss the crew choices. I was thinking Tomcott, Genenand, and Billy-Bobbus."

"But isn't Genenand in the hospital yet?"

"No, he just got released."

"Do you still think he's up for it?"

"Yeah, of course!"

Just then, Genenand walked in, his face bright red. He walked up to Halzer's desk, unpinned his flight wings, threw them on the desk, and said, "I quit! I can't risk my life anymore!"

"Whoah, man. settle down." Jeb said cautiously.

Genenand shot a dirty look at him, left the room, then slammed the door behind him. Halzer and Jeb looked at each other, their mouths wide open.

END CHAPTER 3

Xacktar, I had to mention the Kerb Kerman show in there, I just love reading it! Makes me laugh every time.

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  • 6 months later...

Here's Chapter 4. Sorry for the IMMENSE wait, had lots of other things clogging up my mind.

"Name?"

"Genenand Kerman."

"Address?"

"54893 Kerb Street."

"Phone Number?"

"675-576-3947."

As Genenand answered these simple questions and more, all he was really thinking about was touring the C7 Aerospace laboratory. He had finally stumbled across a job opportunity 5 months after he had quit KSC.

"Social Security Number?"

"78-456-1309."

"Let me see your medical insurance card."

Genenand proudly handed Robdin his card, for he knew they were professional, and that they would keep him free of injury.

"Thank you. would you like to tour the facility now?"

"Yes, please!" said Genenand anxiously.

As Robdin took Genenand around the entire place, he kept catching glimpses of the hangar and the adjoining laboratory. Finally, Robdin stepped outside with Genenand. The scorching heat, along with the high humidity, made it very unpleasant. As they walked toward the hangar, a smile slowly grew on his face. When they stepped inside, dozens of kerbals were already working on an aircraft. Supply vehicles went up and down the scaffolding via elevator. Others went in and out the front of the hangar.

Robdin said," That's the Raven. She's our newest addition to the fleet. Top speed of 180 meters per second, and amazing maneuverability. Equipped with four .50 caliber turrets and four homing missiles. We plan for her to replace half of our existing aircraft!"

Genenand's mouth hung wide open as he gazed at the engineering marvel.

"When can I fly one?" he asked eagerly.

"Since you were a succesful test pilot at KSC, and you're already a Tech Sargent, You may be flying this bird as soon as the end of this week!"

Genenand's emotions were all over the place, from happy, to concerned, to surprised; It didn't matter anymore. He was working at C7 Aerospace.

-------------------------

Halzer paced back and forth through his office, trying to think of ways to get Genenand back.

"Should I send him a friendly letter? Should I give him a big bonus? Should I Improve the safety of our ships?"

Just then, Jeb walked in to the room. Halzer had a breif moment of deja vu. What felt like a couple days ago, Genenand had quit KSC. His wings were still sitting on his desk.

"Is... Everything okay?" asked Jeb.

"Yes... well, actually, no."

"What's up?"

"We don't have any more test pilots to try out our moon rocket, that's what."

"Well, how about me? I could do it?"

"Well, no offense, but you're kinda loopy when it comes to that stuff."

"Oh... well, we'll just have to find a replacement then."

"No one could replace Genenand... He was so loyal to the program for so long..."

"Well...what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to get out of my office, that's what."

"Sheesh." Jeb snorted as he left the room.

END CHAPTER 4

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  • 3 months later...

At long last... Chapter 5!

Genenand's heart raced as he strapped himself into the cockpit of the Raven. This was his fighter pilot checkride, the flight that would determine his rank at C7. He had been up all last night fantasizing,studying, and just plain milling about, waiting for the C7 gates to open that morning.

"Belts?" Goefbus radioed from the back seat.

"Tight!" Genenand called back.

"APU?"

In startup mode."

"Okay. We're go to start the engine!"

Genenand flicked a toggle switch, and took in every sound and smell he could as the turbojet engine spooled up. His N1 needle then flicked up to the ninety mark, then settled back down to around twenty three.

"We're cleared for taxi to runway zero five." Goefbus said into his mic.

"Roger that!"

Genenand was careful not to exceed the taxi speed limit, as that would hurt his score sustantially. He fought the urge to go full throttle town the taxiway until they arrived at the hold short point after what had felt like eons.

"Let me get our takeoff clearance." Goefbus said. "Raven One, request takeoff clearance, zero five."

"Raven One, wind is three-one-zero at five knots, cleared for takeoff zero five." the tower controller said cheerfully.

"Roger." Goefbus replied.

Genenand slowly pushed the right hand rudder pedal to the right to turn onto the runway. He then slowly applied throttle, and the plane began lumbering down the runway.

"Rotate!" Goefbus shouted over the engine noise.

Genenand smoothly pulled up on the stick, and the Raven climbed into the sky.

--------------------------------------------

Halzer was satisfied, but there was still something missing. He had recently hired Joegee Kerman to replace Genenand, but there still wasn't something right. Joegee had the same experience level, but he seemed more laid back; less alert. Genenand, even though he hated his missions so much he wished he could eat Halzer's guts out with a spoon, always performed his missions perfectly and without snack wrappers left in the capsule. That's what he missed; that was the part he couldn't replace. He wished he could go back in time and make Genenand enjoy himself, but that sort of technology was still centuries into the future. Right now, he would have to work with Joegee to the best of his ability. He hit the pager button to Joegee's bunk.

---------------------------------------------------------

As Genenand laid in his bed, he smiled from ear to ear. He had received his fighter pilot's license with flying colors. Right now he clutched a piece of paper with the missions they planned to include him in.

-Perform General Reconassaince

-Perform strike missions as needed

-Train future fighter pilots

As he read through these assignments, the idea of a lifetime blasted into his brain: He could use the Raven as a weapon of revenge against his old vexation.

END CHAPTER 5

Edited by GamerMitch
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