Bad joke time...

[Deathsoul097]

Starting today, the forum has started dragging earth into the sun. To stop this, go to Settings > Options > Apocalypse, and untick the box. The admin team have kept quiet about this one.

[Random Tank]

There are 2 kinds of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...

[Ravenchant]

Photons caught breaking the laws of physics end up in a prism.

...just typing that out hurt.

[TheCanadianVendingMachine]

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean Beef

[spaceman1999]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

[razark]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call her, she won't come to you anyway.

[r4pt0r]

So a scientist has been analizing classic compositions, the works of Mozart, Beethoven, and Bach. breaking down patterns and the notes and everything.

well one of his aids enters the lab and notices it smells awful

"excuse me sir, but what is that terrible smell" the aide says.

the scientist turns to his aide and responds "oh im sorry, ive just been de-composing"

[Red Iron Crown]

Eve and Jason are physiotherapists at the same clinic. One of Eve's patients is a star athlete with a hip injury. While using an exercise machine, he complains that it chafes his skin and makes him itch. Not wanting to upset this high profile client, she decides to consult Jason about how to make him more comfortable.

"Eve," he says, "Just cover the parts that touch his skin with vinyl, that will reduce the irritation."

After the clinic closes, Eve scours the facility looking for some scraps of vinyl, but the only thing with that material she can find is the waiting room furniture. Desperate to be ready for the athlete's appointment the next morning, she cuts strips of vinyl from the chairs and puts them on the exercise machine.

The next morning as she is treating him, Jason arrives at the clinic and sees the damage done to the furniture in the waiting room. He finds Eve in the treatment area.

"Eve," he demands, "What did you do to the waiting room chairs?!"

She points to the newly equipped machine and says, "Jase. The vinyl's from there. These are the few itches of the star's hip exercise."

Where's my coat? Ah, there it is. I'll show myself out.

[gooddog15]

PersonA: Whats a pirates favorite letter?

PersonB: Arr!!!

PersonA: you would think that, but they really love the sea

[kelmv]

Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

Not so much a joke, but with all of the Chem-related jokes I'll toss this in:

Little Timmy was a chemist

but little Timmy is no more

for what little Timmy thought was H2O

was H2SO4

[Disiuze]

Friend: Knock Knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: I'm not gonna tell you.

Friend: Knock Knock.

Friend: Knock. Knock.

Me: No, stay out.

Friend: But i'm already inside, because how else could we talk?

Me: o_O

Friend: O_o

[joppiesaus]

you have cat to be kitten meow

[Herr Doktor Strangemember]

Knock, knock!

Who is there?

KGB!

KGB who...

WE ASK THE QUESTIONS!!

[WinkAllKerb'']

knock knock

it s vlad

some matter guys ?

[razark]

PersonA: Whats a pirates favorite letter?

PersonB: Arr!!!

No, it's "P", because it's an "R" with a leg cut off.

[Javster]

Friend: Knock Knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: I'm not gonna tell you.

Friend: Knock Knock.

Friend: Knock. Knock.

Me: No, stay out.

Friend: But i'm already inside, because how else could we talk?

Me: o_O

Friend: O_o

Knock knock

The door's open, you can let yourself in!

[Palladium Corp]

Two pies are in an oven.

The first pie says "Cor, It's hot in here."

The second pie says "ARGH! A talking pie!"

[Kinglet]

So a scientist has been analizing classic compositions, the works of Mozart, Beethoven, and Bach. breaking down patterns and the notes and everything.

well one of his aids enters the lab and notices it smells awful

"excuse me sir, but what is that terrible smell" the aide says.

the scientist turns to his aide and responds "oh im sorry, ive just been de-composing"

And don't forget to mention that he was ANALIZING the compositions. ._.

[HospiceAntlers]

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He sipped the coffee before it was cool!

[BadRocketsCo.]

What does a astronaut do, when he hurts the Moon?

He Apollogises.

[The Deep Space Kraken]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eyedeer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eyedeer

[EdFred]

What's soft, brown, and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven's *last* movement.

A "story" my grandfather used to recite.

AB, C D B's ?

L, M R No B's!

O S A R D B's

O, I C D B's.

A hydrogen ion walks into a bar, bartender asks "Are you here by yourself?"

"Yep, I'm positive."

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? How they pronounce "unionized"

Chemisty: Instead of cussing lately, I just yell out "992619!"

One I like to throw at people just to see their reaction:

Me: "Hey I know a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it."

Them: "Knock Knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Then they stand there for a little bit confused...

And one that worked better with "real phones" where there was a dial tone when I wanted to end a conversation.

"OK, got a joke for you, but I've got to go right after it. What has a tiny [insert vulgar term for male genetalia here] and hang down?....a bat.

What has a huge [term from above] and hangs up?"

*Dial tone*

Unfortunately with cell phones it just goes silent and the person on the other end is wondering if it lost connection.

Edited July 16, 2014 by EdFred

[AlexinTokyo]

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Barman, I'd like a ... ... beer."

The barman says, "OK, but why the big pause?"

A new prisoner is assigned to cell block six. After dinner that evening, the dozen or so prisoners from the block are sitting around chatting before lights out.

Suddenly one of the prisoners calls out, "27," and they all (except the new guy) fall about laughing. One of the others responds, "31," and the laughter redoubles.

The new guy, totally confused by this, turns to his neighbour and asks, "What's going on?"

"Well, we're all lifers here, and we've all been inside for a long time already."

"OK"

"Everyone knows all the jokes, you see, so we just gave them numbers."

"You mean, I can just call out a number, and everyone will laugh at the joke I made?"

"Sure. Just give it a try."

So the new guy clears his throat and calls out, "15!" Nothing happens; total silence. So he tries again; "24!" Again, no one laughs.

So he turns back to his neighbour and asks, "Are those ones just not funny?"

His neighbour looks at him and replies, "Nah, they're good ones, you just can't tell 'em right."

There once was a Kerbal named Skite,

Who would travel faster than light,

He left home one day,

In a relative way,

And returned on the previous night.

[KerbMav]

You lose, the last one was actually not that bad.

The only real bad jokes I know will probably get me banned until .26 comes out ...

[theend3r]

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".

The Biologist: "They have reproduced".

The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."