The Joke Thread, Bad ones, Dad ones, maybe even some good ones :)

[Red Iron Crown]

A zookeeper is trying to get two snakes to breed in captivity but is having little success. Out of ideas, he consults a biologist from the local university.

"This may seem strange," says the biologist, "but you need to cut down a few trees and split them lengthwise, then make a table out of the pieces and put it in the snake enclosure."

The zookeeper is doubtful, but because he is desperate to get the snakes reproducing he fells a few trees and fashions a table as the biologist suggested. He places it in the enclosure, and to his amazement the snakes immediately slither onto the table and begin to mate. Pleased but baffled, the zookeeper calls the biologist for an explanation.

"It's simple," says the biologist. "Those snakes are adders, and everyone knows to get adders to multiply you need log tables."

[Superfluous J]

(Okay now for one not scientific at all)

A little old lady goes to see the doctor. "Doc," she says, "I've developed a case of the worst gas I've ever had. All hours of the day and night I just can't stop! The only good thing is that they're silent, and have no smell."

The doctor quickly writes up a prescription and hands it to the old lady. "Take 2 of these pills a day and come back and see me in a week."

3 days later, the old lady comes back, furious. "I don't know what was in those pills you gave me, but they've made it worse!"

"Worse? How?"

"Well, I'm just as gassy as before but they've developed this horrible, sickening odor."

The doctor claps in triumph. "Wonderful! We've fixed your sense of smell. Now to get to work on your hearing."

[iFlyAllTheTime]

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket.

[Bekiekutmoar]

Two astronauts board a spaceship for a journey to the surface of the sun.

Astronaut 1: "A journey to the surface of the sun, you say? Wouldn't we get roasted because of the enormous heat?"

Astronaut 2: "No worries. We'll fly during the night."

[Skyler4856]

What do you call a Russian slave?

Slavic!

[MGUARN]

what do you call a successful craft that can protect an egg?

An Eggcelent craft.

[Superfluous J]

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

[MightyDarkStar]

I was in a park thinking to myself why does a Frisbee get bigger the closer it gets, and then it hit me.....

I used to make shoes for clowns and that was no small feat...

I used to work in a helium gas factory but I refused to be spoken to in that tone so I quit.

I said to a man,

"I have a joke for everything!"

"What about beavers?"

"Damn!"

BNAG That's bang out of order.

I was talking to my friends about a guy standing across the street but he came up to me and said

"You scum disgust me!"

And I said

"Yes, yes we did."

Someone said he was going to dress up as an island off the coast of Italy. I said don't be s'silly.

Edited November 16, 2014 by MightyDarkStar

[Norpo]

You know what flies as well as a brick?

A brick.

[Engineer of Stuff]

What's red and is bad for your teeth?

A brick!!

Edited November 18, 2014 by Engineer Of Stuff
?

[sal_vager]

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class today because it was a weapon of math disruption

[MightyDarkStar]

Hah, you know what's ironic? Here in, *looks at notes*, Britain...there's a newspaper called The Sun!​

[NFUN]

My math teacher told me this in high school. Back in the nineteen-mumbleties.

Can a beaver build a dam out of logarithms?

Cosecant!

And you all thought your jokes (and your math teachers) were terrible.

[mythbusters844]

What did the banana say to the hippo? How the heck should I know; why are you asking me?

You know what flies as well as a brick?

A brick.

I'll just post this here:

[GregA]

It is the time of the cold war in the old soviet union. Ivana and Rudolf are sitting sitting in their house, both members of the Communist party, doing communist things. It begins to snow.

Ivana says: It is snowing outside!

Rudolf says: Ridiculous, that is rain!

Ivand say: No it it is snow!

Rudolf stands up angrily and shouts "Ruldolf the Red knows rain dear!"

[Sun]

Hah, you know what's ironic? Here in, *looks at notes*, Britain...there's a newspaper called The Sun!​

Explains why there is so much mud there! In fact, the pic in my avatar and my signature are both from the same picture that I found on the internet that was taken in the UK.

[Red Iron Crown]

"Odd smut, my bro" is an interesting anagram.

Edited November 19, 2014 by Red Iron Crown

[Whirligig Girl]

Isn't Staging just Xzibit's approach to rocketry?

Isn't Teen Pregnancy just Xzibit's approach to parenting?

Isn't Universal Simulation philosophy just Xzibit's approach to Cosmic Philosphy?

Isn't a Palindrome just Xzibit's approach to turning things inside out?

Isn't The Cosmological Argument just Xzibit's approach to pseudoscience?

(If you don't know who Xzibit is, do a google image search for him and you might recognize him, and suddenly these jokes are funny, dawg.)

[sal_vager]

Local police have had their toilet stolen.

They have nothing to go on....

[Lhathron the Elf]

Batman walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Who are you?"

"I'm Christian Bale."

[Whirligig Girl]

Why did the little kid fall off the swing?

Because someone threw a rock at him!

[RogueMason]

Two guys walk into a bar. One orders H₂O. The other just asks for water, then turns to the first guy wondering why he'd been so needlessly complex with his order, it wasn't like they were at work or anything.

The first guy simply stares at his drink for the rest of the night, angry that his assassination attempt had failed.

-----

A man's taken to hospital in Melbourne. He wakes up to see his doctors standing around, then asks "Was I brought here to die?"

The doctor closest to him replies "No, you were brought here yes t' die."

-----

A clairvoyant's meeting was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

-----

That's all I've got for now. None are my own, but that doesn't really matter

[Starwhip]

One I heard today:

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking...

But the invention of the broom was one that swept away the competition.

And it was the invention of the Compact Disk that broke all of the records.

(There was another, I can't remember what it was... )

[Red Iron Crown]

(There was another, I can't remember what it was... )

Did the invention of dynamite blow them all away?

[Flymetothemun]

This one's a bit long.

A man steals a lot of product from a local general store. He's too poor to post bail, and even to afford food from a store, so him and his family grow most of what they eat. His family writes to him: "You know that every winter we turn the soil so that it makes the plants grow nicer. We'll try to do our best by ourselves, but we don't know. We might not be able to do it, talk around town says that it's going to get much worse." He replies back: "DON'T TURN THE SOIL IN MY GARDEN! IT'S WHERE I'VE HIDDEN THE STUFF I STOLE!" A few days later, government investigators come to the guy's family's home and turn the soil for a good week looking for evidence. They find no evidence whatsoever, but seeing how poor the family is, let any investigation costs slide. The family writes back: "We'll have nice, big plants this year! We're sure of it!"

There are many versions and variations of this one, here's mine.

A man is cleaning out his attic. He finds a lamp and start to rub it to clean it and a genie pops out. The genie says "I'll grant you one wish". The guy says "Okay" and pulls out a big map of the world. He points at North Korea and says "This is North Korea, There's been terrible human suffering and tyranny by a horrible leader for over 50 years. I want you to bring peace and happiness to North Korea." The Genie says to him "Even with all my power, I couldn't fulfill that request, it's too big. I'll have to grant you another wish" The guy thinks for a little bit and says "Okay, here in the United States there's this government organization called NASA. They send rockets up into space with satellites and people and explore space with only a little bit of money. How much money they get is determined by Congress, a bunch of people who get together and argue endlessly about laws and decide whether certain things should become laws or not. I want you to have Congress give NASA a lot more money than they have now." The genie looks at him and says "Lemme take another look at that map."

Edited December 3, 2014 by Flymetothemun