Quasar
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Episode 20: Gene does absolutely nothing of interest
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Note: I'm about to spoil all of the Munar Easter Eggs. You have been warned.
Spoiler[KSP Mission control. Gene is on the phone with Valentina]
Gene: Hey Valentina. Yeah. Yeah, we can pick you up. Sure, see you when you get here. Yeah. Bye. [hangs up]
Isacas: Heya Gene. What are we doing now?
Gene: Nothing much, I'm afraid. Awaiting the Director's return. I wonder what he's doing right now?
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[smash cut to the Director shaking a World First Society representative by the lapels]
The Director: I'M NOT DOING IT! I'M NEVER DOING IT! WE ALREADY DID DRES, Y'HEAR?!
[smash cut back to Mission Control]
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Gene: Nothing too terrible, I hope.
Isacas: Hey Gene, why haven't we gone looking at all those anomalies the mapping probes picked up on the Mun? I wanna see if there's any more of those Monoliths out there.
Steve: Hey! Isacas was the only one who saw it last time. If anyone's going anomaly hunting this time, it's me!
Gene: More of those monoliths, huh? The Director didn't want us investigating them for some reason.
Steve: Yeah, but he's not here right now. Don't worry, we won't tell anyone.
Isacas: Besides, isn't that kind of suspicious? Why wouldn't he want you investigating them?
Gene: ... I don't know. Yet. Alright then, go get Jedlo. Let's do this.
Gene: You all understand, right? This is a secret mission. If anyone asks it's a classified spy-satellite launch for the government, and you're simply on vacation for a few days.
Jedlo: Don't worry, Gene. As we've said before, we trust you.
Steve: Yeah!
Gene: Alright, let's go to the Mun.
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Jedlo: That's a stable polar orbit at 10km, sir. We should be able to hit most targets from here. Now, as for who will be piloting the lander... Steve, you said you wanted to do it, yes?
Steve: I'm a bit nervous, but yes! I want to see what's down there.
Jedlo: In you get, then. I'll pilot you down via remote control.
Steve: I see something! it appears to be... some sort of natural stone arch.
Gene: [via radio] Getting the pictures now. I don't know about natural. How would such a thing form? Isacas, do you know?
Isacas: Don't look at me, I'm not a geologist.
Steve: It's massive! A bit dull compared to the monolith, though.
Steve: I'll put a flag on top to mark it's location.
Gene: Please do.
[One orbit later]
Jedlo: Steve, would you kindly get back to the pod? We'll be passing overhead shortly and you'll be there for a day or two if we miss our rendezvous window.
Gene: [via radio] Yes, please don't miss your rendezvous window! We don't know long we'll have before the director get's back.
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[smash cut to the Director dangling the World First Society Representative over a scorpion pit by his ankles]
The Director: TAKE THE CONTRACT BACK! TAKE IT BACK OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!
[cut back to Gene and his co-conspirators]
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Gene: So let's rendezvous as quickly as possible, okay?
Steve: No worries, Gene. Jedlo, I'm good to go!
Jedlo: Bringing you back.
Jedlo: Alright, refuel quickly Steve. We've got more anomalies to hit!
Steve: On it!
Steve: Looks like another Mun Arch. Maybe all of these anomalies are natural formations?
Gene: I... have a hunch that they're not. Keep going.
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Steve: It's a monolith! It's smaller than the one on Ike, though. Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed.
Isacas: It is inactive. Keep looking. There must be more.
Steve: How do you know?
Isacas: Uh... like Gene said, I have a hunch.
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Gene: ... what is it?
Steve: I have no idea. Some sort of special rock?
Isacas: Probably unimportant. Keep looking.
Steve: Yeah, okay.
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Steve: I can't see anything at the moment. It must be hidden in the shadow of the crater.
Gene: That's promising. It at least means it's not another Mun arch.
Jedlo: Touching down in a moment...
Steve: There it is! I'm going over- [ksshhhh]
Gene: What is it? Steve, I'm not getting your camera feed. The relay is going over the horizon, you're breaking up.
Steve: It's- [ksshhhh]- another Monolith! [Ksshssshhshs] And it's green! [ksssshhh]
[gasps from the various mission control kerbals]
Gene: [under his breath] The hooded figure was right, there are other monoliths...
Steve: [ksshhhh]- getting closer to it, I'm gonna- [skkkkkksksskksshhhhh]
Gene: Steve, you're breaking up, please repeat. Steve?
Steve: [Kssssshhhhh] weird, it's kind of[sssshhhhh] -like some sort of static- [ksssshshh]
Gene: Steve, please repeat.
Steve: [kkkssssshhhhhhhhh]- a strange pressure on my- [kkkkssshhshshshs]- I can't re- [kkksshhshshsh]- AAAAAAA!! [kkksshhshshsh]-
[A blood curdling scream briefly breaks through the static]
Gene: Steve! Can we re-orient one of the comm satellites to get him back? The one around Minmus, maybe?
Mission Control Mook: Give me a second...
Gene: Steve? Steve, come in! Steve, are you okay?
Steve: [Kssssssshhhhh]
Gene: Steve?
Steve: [Ksshhh]- Gene? Gene, are you there?
Gene: There you are! Steve, are you okay? We heard screaming!
Steve: I am okay Gene. Yes. The Monolith is transmitting. Are you receiving?
Gene: Transmitting? You mean...
[Gene's phone goes off]
Gene: Hello, Gene Kerman speaking. Wernher! Yes, we found another one of those Monoliths! Is it sending us advanced technology like last time?
[screaming Kerbal noises, muffled by phone]
Gene: It doesn't matter if they're not practical, I need you to investigate as soon as possible, okay?
[more screaming Kerbal noises]
Gene: Love you too, Werher. [hangs up] Alright, Steve. You're sure you okay? What about the screaming earlier?
Steve: Yes. I tripped and fell on my keys. It is alright. Yes.
Gene: Alright, that's good then. We learned what we wanted. Return to the pod and we'll bring you home.
Steve: Yes, Gene. I obey.
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Gene: Director, you're back!
The Director: Hi Gene! Get up to anything interesting while I was away?
Gene: Certainly not, sir.
The Director: God, you're so boring. But at least we never have to go to Dres again.
Gene: I noticed that our funds went down, sir. Did you bribe them?
The Director: Better! I threatened them with violence!
Gene: ...
The Director: ...
Gene: Okay, I won't ask. The contract is still on the board, though?
The Director: I had to make some adjustments. I'm pretty sure it'll complete as soon as we get Val and Bob back home.
Gene: Yes, sir. I'm sending the Uvhash out to pick them up now.
The Director: Then all we have to do is wait for a year! Cue up the timewarp!
Gene: Wait, sir, don't go into timewarp while it's orbit is still in range of-
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[half a timewarp later]
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Gene: - the Mun. [sigh] Sir, the Uvhash was just thrown into interplanetary space during your timewarp by a Mun intercept.
The Director: Oh. ... did I bork it?
Gene: Yes sir. You borked it right and proper.
The Director: Dang. We'll just have to launch a hydrogen tank for them, then.
Gene: Yes, sir. Shall I do that for you?
The Director: Sure, whatever, I'm going to bed.
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Gene: [relieved sigh] It looks like we got away with it. He didn't seem to notice anything.
Isacas: Yes.
Steve: Yes.
Gene: And we discovered a new Monolith on the Mun! At this rate, it wouldn't surprise me if there's one on every body. I wonder what they are? Some sort of interplanetary communications network?
Jedlo: If you're right and there's one on every body, we should go to Minmus next.
Isacas: Yes. We should go to Minmus.
Steve: We should go to Minmus, yes.
Gene: Good Idea, Jedlo. I'll keep an eye out for another chance to launch a mission without the Director noticing. I'll let you know, so be ready for that.
Isacas: Yes.
Steve: Yes.
Gene: Isacas, Steve, are you two okay? Your eyes seem kind of glassy.
Jedlo: I'm sure they're fine. It's been a long day.
Isacas: Yes, we are fine.
Steve: We are fine, yes.
Gene: That's true! I'll see you all tomorrow, then.
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Episode 19: A Dreadful Dres Landing
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SpoilerThe Director: But I don't wanna go to Dres! I don't wannnaaaaa!
Gene: [sigh] Okay then. What about the contract to dock two craft in solar orbit? That should be fairly easy...
The Director: Boooorrring!
Gene: Well I do have one other option that promises to be a little more interesting. We won't get paid for it, but... how do you feel about anomaly hunting on the Mun? The mapping satellites have picked up as many as 9 potential sites of interest, and-
The Director: Let's do that solar rendezvous, that sounds interesting suddenly!
The Director: That was interesting! Wasn't that interesting?
Gene: ...
The Director: I expected that to be more distracting than it actually was.
Gene: You know what, I'm just going to ask. Are you trying to keep us from investigating these anomalies?
The Director: ...
Gene: Sir, there could be more monoliths out there! The truth about extrakerrestrial life is more important than world first contracts and Mun stations!
The Director: ...
Gene: Sir-
The Director: [low voice] Gene. Drop this.
Gene froze. The Director's manner had changed. The man in front of him was deadly serious, something Gene had never seen before.
Gene: But... sir-
The Director: [low, threatening voice] I am the director of this space program. We are not going to search for those Monoliths. Do I make myself clear?
Gene: [taken aback] Sir... that's...
The Director: [abruptly snaps back to his usual self] So let's go to Dres! I've got some inspiration for the design! You're going to hate it!
Gene: W- what?
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Gene: What in the actual-
Gene: This. This... thing... is... no! No, I refuse to condone this! Are you trying to launch a payload or perform some sort of occult demon summoning ritual?
The Director: Eh, bit of both to be honest.
Gene: What's it for?
The Director: Dres. We go there, we land, we come home, and we never go there ever again.
Gene: [sigh] You know, for all the complaints, Dres is actually a very interesting celestial body.
The Director: Well of course you'd think so, you're just as boring as it is. Luckily, that makes you easy to distract while we wheel the rocket out to the launch pad. Now! Do the thing!
Gene: No, wait-
Gene: Oh god, it already looked horrifying to begin with and now it just keeps getting worse as the stages come off. It's like some sort of... terrible squid monster.
The Director: I was going for "giant alien murder spider", but either way, Walt is going to completely flip out when he sees these pictures.
Gene: Don't say that like it's something to be proud of!
Gene: Are you taking the fairing with you to Dres?
The Director: Yes.
Gene: Why?
The Director: It looks better with it on.
Gene: That is a terrible reason.
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The Director: Uh oh. Guess we're not taking it to Dres after all. Ran out of fuel on the correction burn. Alright, fairings: deploy!
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The Director: Argh! My hydrogen! My hydrogen evaporated! Why is the cooling not doing the cooling?!
Gene: That's odd, since it's powered. It shouldn't be evaporating under those circumstances.
The Director: Timewarp, you have crossed me and I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE!
Gene: It must be some form of short circuit. Don't worry, though I think they'll still have enough delta V to make it home. I'd suggest pumping the fuel into the main tank so you can more quickly dispose of the spares, though.
The Director: Doin' it! Wait, hang on... why do I have oxidizer in these tanks?
Gene: ... did you really attach the wrong type of LH2 tanks to your interplanetary tug?
The Director: WHY DO THEY DEFAULT TO THE WRONG TYPE?
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Gene: There goes the spare tanks, and that useless oxidizer you lumped on them.
The Director: Wassn'me.
Gene: The tanks are on a suborbital trajectory, so that will take care of them. I hope. Now it's simply up to Val to circularize around Dres...
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Val: Here we go, Bob. Easy. Welcome to Dres orbit.
Val: Let's get in the lander!
Bob: We're already in the lander. There isn't anywhere else.
Val: Sweet! Let's land this thing, then.
Val: Alright, we're gonna aim for the ridge of that crater. Extending skycrane engines. De-orbiting.
Val: Extending landing legs...
Val: Here we go! Touch down in 3... 2... 1...
Bob: Eep!
Val: Bouncey hinges!
Bob: Oh no!
Val: And down. Welcome to Dres!
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The Director: And now we never have to return. Gene, what's next on the world first contracts?
Gene: Hahaha! Oh dear me. Looks like someone over there has a sense of humour.
The Director: What, why?
The Director: Gene, I'm going to need you to cover for me while I take a few days off to go over to the world first society and strangle whichever sadistic little scumbag came up with this contract.
Gene: Go ahead, I don't mind.
The Director: Okay, see ya'!
Gene: Wait, are you serious?
[door slams]
Gene: Oh crud, I think he was serious.
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Bob: That's one small step.
Bob: ...
Val: ...
Bob: ...
Val: ... welp, I'm bored already. Wanna get the rover out?
Bob: Can I stay with the lander?
Val: Nope! The lander's got no crew space. Yer stuck with me, kiddo!
Bob: Oh god no.
Bob: Well that's a design flaw.
Val: ... I think the director didn't think this one through. Hang on, I'm gonna fold up the rear wheels and sorta... scootch forward... there! We're out!
Val: Let's go scan some things.
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[some time later]
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Val: Who would have thought the crater floor was the same biome as the crater ridge?
Bob: [hyperventilating into a paper bag]
Val: Oh come on, it wasn't that bad. We didn't land on our roof even once!
Bob: [glares at Valentina]
Val: Alright, I'm done with this place. Let's get back into orbit. Scootch!
Val: And liftoff!
Val: And dock!
Bob: Alright. Now for the long and peaceful wait for a transfer window.
Val: Kinda want to go now.
Bob: Nope. Not enough delta-V. Actually... that's worrying. Do we have enough delta-V to make it back to Kerbin?
Val: I dunno, probably. Snack me.
Bob: Perhaps we should radio home and alert them of our-
Val: Snack me!
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[one transfer window later]
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Val: Home burn now plz!
Bob: Oh no, we're out of rocket fuel. Please don't strand us in interplanetary space, Val.
Val: It's fine! Still got the hydrogen!
Bob: That's the stuff that evaporates, remember?!
Val: No worries, I got this!
Bob: Valentina, I'm looking at this course and I really don't think you've got this!
Val: It's fine, we've still got enough for our correction burn.
Bob: Barely!
Val: It'll be fine!
Val: See? Kerbin intercept. And we've still got 37 m/s leftover.
Bob: And how exactly are you planning to slow down at Kerbin? We don't have a heat shield, so we can't aerobrake.
Val: ... slow down?
Bob: Oh my god, you didn't even think about it and now we're gonna die in space! You... I can't believe you! You utterly incompetent little adrenaline junkie...
Val: Incompetent? Oh, you wanna go there Mr big-shot scientist man? Well... well you didn't get any science from space high above Dres, so there!
Bob: ... so?
Val: You were supposed to!
Bob: [stares]
Val: ... yeah, okay, my mistake was bigger. I'll call the director when we're back in communication range. He'll get someone to pick us up. Don't worry, any of the interplanetary tugs could do it. It'll be exactly like the asteroid rendezvous for them, it'll be easy. You'll see.
Bob: O- okay. Someone will pick us up. Okay then. No reason to panic.
Val: Unless they accidentally timewarp past the intercept and we fly off into space never to be heard from again.
Bob: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- !
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Episode 18: Horrible Habitats
(Part 2)
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Spoiler[Early the following morning]
The Director: Alright, let's do this thing!
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F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9
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Meanwhile, Gene was pulling up in the spaceplane hanger parking lot when he was accosted by a shadowy figure.
Hooded Kerbal: What are you doing, Gene Kerman?
Gene: Oh. You again.
Hooded Kerbal: Yes, me again. You know what he did, who he works for! Why haven't you stopped him yet?
Gene: Enough. Jebediah told me about your loony conspiracy theory. I'm not buying it anymore.
Hooded Kerbal: Then what about the director's disappearance? The secret rocket launch?
Gene: I... don't know about those. But there's probably a rational, if stupid, explanation. We don't need a secret cabal of evil Kerbals to explain the world: it all makes a lot more sense if you assume stupidity and incompetence.
Hooded Kerbal: Oh? The world you live in makes sense to you, Mr Kerman? Well, we can fix that. Tell me... how did the current director react when you found the Extrakerrestrial Monolith on Ike?
Gene: How do you know about that?! We've not published anything on that matter yet-
Hooded Kerbal: Answer the question, Mr Kerman.
Gene: Well, he was... quiet.
Gene paused, wracking his memories of that important moment. The hooded figure was right, the Director had been acting very out of character while Gene had been managing Isacas and Werher immediately after the discovery.
Gene: He didn't say anything. He seemed... unhappy?
Hooded Kerbal: I'll bet he didn't want you to investigate the anomaly, did he?
Gene: No. He didn't. He wanted to go to Duna. I thought he was just being petty because he was bored, but...
Hooded Kerbal: I know you won't believe me yet so I'll spare you the full story, Mr Kerman. But know this: The Director is not what he seems. He works for them, and they don't want you to find the truth.
Gene: Okay, you can stop now. You're embarrassing yourself.
Hooded Kerbal: Keep looking. Build a team you can trust, and explore the planets. Find the other monoliths. And stop helping him with with his silly Mun station, it's a distraction, nothing more.
Gene: ... other monoliths? Wait, what do you-
Hooded Kerbal: Goodbye, Mr Kerman.
The hooded kerbal faded silently into the shadows of the Spaceplane Hanger. A few moments later there was the sounds of someone struggling with a door, before the hooded kerbal faded back.
Hooded Kerbal: The... uh... the back doors locked.
Gene: Yeah, we lock it to prevent the engineers from filching parts for personal use.
Hooded Kerbal: Right. I'll just... uh... if you'll excuse me... okay bye...
The hooded kerbal slipped past Gene and ran off awkwardly.
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The Director: Okay, this is it, this is it! Yes yes yes...
The Director: Yesssss!
[Gene enters Mission Control]
Gene: Oh, you actually fixed it?
The Director: Took forever, but yup!
Gene: Well that's good. What are you going to do with the bomb?
The Director: It'll just attach it to the other side of the asteroid. It'll probably be fine there, and we can get the resources out of it when I launch the fuel tanks.
Gene: [Stare's suspiciously] Sir, why are you building an enormous Mun station?
The Director: The contract said to!
Gene: The contract was completed multiple launches ago. Why are you still working on it?
The Director: 'cos it's fun!
Gene: Mmm. Sir, I'd like to use the mapping satellites to scan for additional anomalies, like the one on Ike. Would you be willing to greenlight-
The Director: Bah! Anomalies are boring! They're the same every time!
Gene: Sir, if there are monoliths on bodies other than Kerbin and Ike, it's vital that we...
The Director: Let's bring the station crew home and then just timewarp to Dres, I'm sick and tired of waiting for this ion satellite to arrive!
Gene: ... very well. Understood, sir.
The Director: And now... Dres!
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[218 days later]
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The Director: A two hour circularization burn? HA HA NOPE. You've got your science, you've got your flyby, Gene what do they want us to do now?
Gene: Says here: Orbit and return from Dres.
The Director: SON OF A-
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Episode 18: Horrible Habitats
(Part 1)
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Spoiler
The Director: How long is this relay sat going to take to get to Dres?! It's still 224 days away!
Gene: I think you just answered your own question, sir. Dres is a long way away, it's only to be expected.
The Director: Urgh! Fine, let's just keep building the Mun Station. I wanna send up a new habitat module.
Gene: Oh my goodness.
[A distant, pained scream echoes from the administration building. Mortimer probably stubbed his toe or something]
The Director: Can't really see it well in here. Hang on, let me take it out onto the launch pad...
Gene: Thank you, I hate it.
Gene: Why are Newrim, Lagerbal and Jenfry going up? Val, Anlorf and Samald have only been up there a few days.
The Director: Honestly, I think they just want to join in on the Mun Party Val's got going on up there.
The Director: And now we just have to do-
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F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9
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The Director: -oooooooaaaaaaarrrrrrrrghhhh!
The Director: Connect! C'mon! For the love of magnets just flippin' connect!
Gene: Are you alright?
The Director: NEVER AGAIN! NEVER AGAIN!
Gene: Isn't the second docking port there also for a habitat module?
The Director: Aaaaaargh!
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Valentina: Guys! Welcome to the Mun party! We have snacks!
Lagerbal: We brought the dance floor! And also escape pods.
Valentina: Oh, sweet! Spin it up then, let's get groovy!
Samald: We'll need one more engineer for that. But no worries, we're expecting another Hab module soon...
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The Director: So, I have bad news.
Gene: Oh god, what now?
The Director: You know that weird SAS flower thing I made by clipping eight reaction wheels together?
Gene: The prototype you used to more easily turn the asteroid?
The Director: Yeah! Turns out it's highly explosive.
Gene: What?!
The Director: It takes out of the bottom part of the Station whenever I come out of timewarp. Or if Samald messes with it. Or if it feels like exploding. Damn thing ruined a bunch of my docking attempts.
Gene: Sir, there are 6 Kerbals onboard that station! ... having a party, apparently.
The Director: So I'm gonna need to launch a new asteroid grabber.
Gene: We need to evacuate!
The Direct: I've added it to the Hab Module. And taken off that hinged tower that made it such a pain in the butt to dock.
Gene: Sir, we need to tell them!
The Director: Nah. Nothing'll happen so long as they don't timewarp.
Gene: But-
The Director: Besides, those escape pods seat 4, it'd be a waste of funds to launch one with two seats empty.
Gene: You-
The Director: Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to launch 1.3 million funds to the Mun.
Gene: ...
Gene: Hang on, there are three Kerbals aboard this module. But didn't you just say there would only be two seats spare on the escape po-
[silence]
Gene: One of them's Jebediah. I hate you. I hate you so much.
The Director: To the Mun!
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OOC: In all seriousness, this is why I stranded Jebediah in the first place. I do half a dozen tests with the carefully selected crew I wanted for this mission, and then on the actual launch who do I get in the pilot's seat? Jebediah. Screw that guy.
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Bill: Hey Jeb, look. I can see your house from up here!
Jebediah: Haha yeah, I wasted 20 years of my life there!
Jebediah: Hi Val! Can we dock?
Valentina: Hi Jeb! Long time no see!
Anlorf: What she means is, this is... Mun Station Power Supply?... you're cleared for docking... [off-mic] do we really not have a name for this place yet?
Jenfry: I swear we are the most unprofessional group of kerbonauts in existence.
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The Director: Well, on the bright side, this habitat doesn't have the same balance problems the other one does. Docking with this one should be a lot eas-
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F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9
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The Director: -sssiiiiaaaaarrrrrgh!
Gene: Why does docking cause you so much stress even though you always seem to get it first try?
The Director: Don't talk to me right now.
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Valentina: Alright! That's three engineers onboard! Samald, Lagerbal, Jendrin, do your thing!
Valentina: Aw yeah, that's the gravity I've been craving!
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Gene: Now can you please take care of the literal bomb they're sitting on now? Please?
The Director: Nope!
Gene: ... why not?
The Director: 'cos I am well and truly done with this for today! Bye!
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Episode 17: The Abominable Asteroid
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SpoilerThe Director: Gene! You're back! I've got something awesome to show you!
Gene: Hello Director. Before you do that, there's... something I'd like to say.
The Director: Sure, but make it quick, I'm pretty sure it'll fall over if we leave it too long. It's a bit top-heavy.
Gene: Sir, I brought Jebediah Kerman back to Kerbin against your wishes!
[Jebediah enters Mission Control]
Jebediah: Hi everyone! I'm back!
[Mission control erupts in cheers and several Kerbals start chanting "Jeb! Jeb! Jeb!"]
Gene: I'm willing to accept the consequences of my actions, but I don't regret them. It was the right thing to do.
The Director: I see. Gene, come over this way for a moment. I'd like to talk to you in private.
Gene: Certainly, sir.
The Director: Gene... you know I hate that guy, right?
Gene: I gathered, sir. But... can I ask why? Everyone loves Jebediah.
The Director: Exactly! I don't wanna be a conformist and have the same favorite Kerbal as everyone else! I'm a rebel, dammit!
Gene: [stammering]... th- th- th- that's your reason? Seriously?
The Director: Also, when he's around, he gets default priority on seat assignments and no other pilots get a look in.
Gene: Are you kidding me?! You're the director! You can change seat assignments!
The Director: Whose got time for that when they're launching a rocket?
Gene: [now fully enraged] Well apparently not you, because you insist on rushing rockets out to the launchpad so you can traumatize me with a horrendously unsafe surprise launch!!!
The Director: Glad to see you understand!
Gene: Aaaaarghhh!
[Jebediah notices what's happening as he enters the room and grabs Gene from behind as he attempts to throw himself at the Director]
Gene: Let me go Jeb! I'm gonna punch him! Gonna smack him so hard in his smug face!
Jebediah: Geez, calm down, Gene!
Gene: Don't worry, just a little pummeling won't kill him, I'm pretty sure it'd take a GODDAMN STAKE THROUGH THE HEART!
The Director: Glad to have you back, Gene.
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[enough time for Gene to calm the heck down later]
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Gene: I'm pretty sure that's illegal. And if it doesn't violate civic laws, it's definitely violating basic rocketry ethics, to say nothing of the laws of physics. But I'm pretty sure those are a charred blackened waste on the launch pad at this point.
The Director: It's awesome to have you back too, Gene.
Gene: What's it for?
The Director: We've got an asteroid passing close to Kerbin in 130 days. I'm gonna catch it!
Gene: That sounds... doable. What's the catch?
The Director: It's ZOH-508.
Gene: Oh! The E-class, I see. You picked the biggest one you could find. Hence the extremely expensive Liberator nuclear engine on the materials list. Oh well. At least it's not an emancipator.
The Director: Yeah I already tried the emancipator engine but it doesn't take uranium from the fuel tanks, so I had to do the whole mission again.
Gene: Please stop spouting nonsense and launch it already.
Gene: Why'd you turn down the throttle on the mainsails?
The Director: For aerodynamics!
Gene: ... does it flip over if you go too fast?
The Director: It flips over if I go too fast.
Gene: Okay, Anlorf's put it into a polar orbit with 1718 m/s left in the rhino engine. I estimate it'll take a bit more than half of that to get to the intercept point, and whatever remains to reverse our orbit and match velocity with the asteroid when it arrives.
The Director: Perfect! Let's get her to set up the intercept, then.
The Director: And now we wait.
----------------------------------------------------------
[13 days later]
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: And now we have waited.
Gene: Time for a correction burn at apoapsis, but they're out of communications range because you forgot the antenna again, so I guess we just wait and rely on Anlorf and Samald. They're both competent Kerbals, so we'll put our faith in them.
The Director: And now we wait again.
----------------------------------------------------------
[121 days later]
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Anlorf: Here we go. Hang on to something Samald, I'm performing the final burn...
Samald: [nods attentively]
Anlorf: And that's the rendezvous. You know the deal, Samald: I'll claw, you strut.
Samald: [thumbs up]
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OOC: EVA Struts! Love 'em! They're so gooood!
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Anlorf: Alright, I'll spend what little remains of the rhino fuel and then eject it. I don't suppose you brought any C4?
Samald: [shakes her head no]
Anlorf: Unfortunate, but I suppose we can think of it as a replacement for the asteroid on it's existing orbit. Here we go!
Anlorf: Telemetry says we don't have nearly enough delta-V to circularize.
Samald: [starts up the mining drills and ISRU]
Anlorf: Good call. We can replenish our fuel and reduce our payload at the same time!
Anlorf: Aaand we're out of fuel. Guess we'll just give it some time to refuel.
Samald: [gently pats the mining equipment monitor and makes soothing noises towards it. The mining drills work just a little harder in response]
Anlorf: ... you have a weird job.
Anlorf: That worked out well. Let's keep the burn going...
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Gene: Telemetry indicates they've circularized and are... burning for an equatorial orbit?
The Director: Well, yeah. You didn't think I was gonna leave it there, did you?
Gene: Please tell me you're not going to land it on the space center.
The Director: No, but that's a good idea, remind me to revisit that one later.
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: Why are they putting it into low munar orbit?
The Director: Oh that's right, you weren't around when I launched the new Mun station.
Gene: It's in low orbit? Why?
The Director: It looks cooler that way.
Gene: ...
Gene: Is that it? It looks smaller than I expected.
The Director: Things in space may be larger than they appear.
Gene: Wait, those aren't 2.5 meter parts, those are... oh. Oh, I see it now. Oh, that's horrifying. Wait, is that a nuclear reactor?!
The Director: Yeeessssssss.
Valentina: Samald! Anlorf! You brought me a present? I love it!
Anlorf: Hello Valentina. Could you do me a favor and de-orbit that nuclear engine with that orbital assembler of yours?
Valentina: Sure thing.
Anlorf: So, what now?
Valentina: ... celebratory timewarp snacks in the cafeteria?
Anlorf: Don't mind if I do!
-
On 8/26/2020 at 12:47 AM, Kerminator1000 said:
Wait, is this becoming a story!?
OOC: I feel comfortable confirming now that yes, this is turning into a story.
Originally it was just going to be a series of missions gradually increasing in ambition and stupidity until the entire space program collapsed under the weight of my bad decisions, and that tidbit in the prologue about the former director disappearing was just meant to explain why it hadn't already done so.
But now that it's become a thing I've plotted out what's actually going on in the background. As of now, there are answers to be had! Feel free to speculate.
-
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Episode 16: Monstrous Mun Station
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Spoiler
Mortimer: Gene! Gene!
Gene: Hello Mort. What's he done now?
Mortimer: It's terrible, Gene! He accepted a Mun Station Mission!
Gene: Calm down, Mortimer. I think I can see where this is heading. What's the budget on the mission?
Mortimer: Well, the advance is 99...
Gene: The budget, Mortimer. Not the breakdown. We're don't all enjoy mental addition as much as you do.
Mortimer: 462,778 funds in total, Gene.
Gene: And let's go and see what he's launching, shall we?
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The Director: Gene! You made it!
Gene: [deep breaths of barely concealed hatred] That's more than twice the budget of this mission, Sir.
The Director: Pff! We have plenty of money, Gene!
Gene: [sigh of resignation] Okay, fine. Frankly, it's not as bad as I was expecting. Mortimer, just think of it as an investment. A Mun station will bring us more contracts and more money.
Mortimer: But couldn't we just... invest the money? I mean, we've got all these strategies and stock options available in the administration building...
The Director: Did I just hear finance repurposed bovine waste happening in my VAB?! Gus! Get me that Kerbal Encouragement Stick!
Gus: That's not what it's called, sir. It's actually a very delicate piece of scientific equip-
The Director: It's actually very good for hittin' Kerbals who don't give me what I want with, if you take my meaning! Give it here or you're next!
Gene: Look, I appreciate your work keeping us in the green even if he doesn't, Mortimer, but the fact of the matter is the only people on Kerbin stupider than the director are our clients. So long as we keep moving forward, they'll keep paying us. So you can stop panicking when he goes overbudget, we can always make the loss up with another windfall like the Duna mission in the future.
Mortimer: But...
Gene: I'd suggest you leave it there, Mortimer. He's coming this way swinging a magnetometer boom.
Mortimer: Leaving now!
----------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: Alright, that's the station's spine deployed into low-munar orbit, just above 10km.
The Director: Spine! I like that. Better than core. I'm calling it that from now on.
Gene: Sure... um... sir, I'd like to request some time off.
The Director: Time off? You? That's a first. What for?
Gene: I'm... meeting an old friend I haven't seen in a while.
The Director: Well fine, you do that, I'll take care of the rest of the station's launches myself.
Gene: The rest of the... sir, how many launches do you have planned?
The Director: Well I've gotta use up all the docking port's, don't I?
Gene: This station mission is going to end up costing us a lot more than I thought it would, isn't it?
The Director: I bloody well hope so!
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Gene! I got us a job!
...
The Director: Oh, right, he's off today. Well, what am I supposed to do with this then?
The Director: I... guess I just do it? And nobody complains? This is gonna be weird, isn't it?
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Aaaand I can't find one. Alright, so that means we're sitting around for one to show up. Guess I'll go do something else while we wait...
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The Director: Ooh! Here we go!
The Director: Hey, Valentina, I hear you broke a solar panel!
Valentina: [via radio] Eh, it's just a crack. It's probably fine.
The Director: Nope, I'm deeming this priority one! Here, I'm sending you a picture of the replacement power module.
[Over in the administration building, Mortimer's eye starts twitching and he doesn't know why]
Valentina: Is that a nuclear reactor?
The Director: Yup! Nearly 4-million funds worth of radioactive goodness. It's a good thing radiation has no effect on Kerbals. Awesome, huh?
Valentina: Darn skippy it is! When are you sending it up?
The Director: Right now!
Valentina: Sweeeeet!
The Director: Whoops! Val, I need some help over here!
Valentina: What do you need?
The Director: Go and soccer kick that monopropellent tank out of the way, will you?
Valentina: Alright, here goes! She shoots...
Valentina: She scores!
The Director: Good work! Bringing her in now! Aaand... done!
The Director: I forgot about the mono-prop orbital assembler, didn't I?
Valentina: Yup!
The Director: Alright, fixing it. Yoink!
The Director: Boop!
The Director: And that's a perfect mission.
Valentina: Yup!
[The Director looks around the quiet mission control room]
The Director: These missions just don't feel the same without all the sarcasm and passive aggressive complaints. I miss Gene...
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----------------------------------------------------------
Jebediah: Gene! Good to see you.
Gene: Hello, Jebediah.
Jebediah's wide smile faltered slightly at the serious expression on Gene Kerman's face.
Jebediah: What's going on, buddy? Why are we meeting at this hotel and not at the astronaut complex?
Gene: That's because I don't want the Director to find out that you're here. To be frank: I'm afraid for your life, Jeb. I'll cut to the chase. Why did he strand you on the Mun?
Jebediah: Was there a reason? It was just a prank, bro.
Gene: A prank? You were up there for 20 years!
Jebediah: Eh, it's fine. I spent the whole time timewarping anyway.
Gene: Jebediah, listen: he stranded you for a reason. There must be something you know that he's afraid of, about him, about what he did to the former director...
Jebediah: Nah, man. Far as I know we're best buds! And whaddya mean about the former director? She was annoyed at me all the time on account of all the planes I
crashedaggressively landed.Gene: Are you serious? You don't know anything? About the night the director disappeared? About the secret rocket launch?
Jebediah shook his head.
Jebediah: Sorry, this is all news to me.
Gene: What the hell? I did what the hooded kerbal wanted me to, I looked into the finances and the secret rocket launch. This was the only lead I had!
Jebediah: Hooded kerbal?
Gene: Yeah. There was this-
Jebediah: Short, black hood, weird robot voice?
Gene: [stares in shock] You met them?
Jebediah: Yeah. Little fella snuck up on me on the runway one night. Kept yammering on about a conspiracy and how "they" were out to get him. Or her. Really couldn't tell under the hood.
Gene: ... what did they tell you? Jeb, this is important. What did the hooded kerbal tell you?
Jebediah: Uh... it was... something about a secret conspiracy of powerful Kerbals wanting to destroy the space program? Or maybe it was to control the space program? Ah geez I can't remember, they wanted to do something with the space program. Sorry Gene, I was barely paying attention at the time. Just a random crazy Kerbal on the runway at night, y'know? Happens all the time.
Gene sat back, trying to absorb this new information. So, it was a conspiracy then? Maybe the new Director wasn't responsible. Perhaps he was just a figurehead, a useful pawn. Perhaps they disappeared the former director and installed him thinking he'd destroy the space program with his stupidity?
Hah, if that was the case, this plan had backfired spectacularly. KSP was doing better than ever thanks to the way his ridiculous missions never seemed to fail. The man's luck was as insane as his logic. It was as if he could turn back time every time something went horribly wrong.
But why destroy the space program? And if the conspirators are a group of rich and powerful Kerbals, why not just lobby the government to take away all the subsidies and funding that made space contracts so lucrative in the first place? Some things... no, a lot of things still didn't add up.
Perhaps the hooded figure really was just a random crazy Kerbal on the runway at night? And he'd let himself be taken in by their conspiracy theories in a moment of weakness simply so he had another reason to hate the Director? Gene cursed his own idiocy.
Gene: ... okay. Thank you, Jebediah. I think we can go home, now. Just... if the director sends you on another mission, remember to count the seats on the return craft.
Jebediah: Haha, yeah! Don't wanna get caught out by the same prank again!
Gene: I don't think it's a prank, Jeb. I think he really does hate you. Though I still don't know why.
Jebediah: Oh c'mon, nobody hates Jebediah Kerman!
Gene: ... that's debatable.
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-
----------------------------------------------------------
Episode 15: SSTO's
(Part 2)
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SpoilerThe Director: I'm gonna launch an enormous Mun station!
Gene: Sir, the transfer window to Dres is in a few hours. We need you to eject the ion probe into a transfer orbit.
The Director: Awww, but ion burns are...
Gene: It's the same SSTO mission you started, sir. You need to finish it.
The Director: Fine! How many periapsis kicks is this going to take?
Gene: At a glance? Probably about... half a dozen?
The Director: Oh nooooooo...
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: Alright, that should keep him distracted for a while. Gus, let's do this. Show me this launch vehicle.
Gus: You're the boss, boss!
Gene: Jedlo, Steve, this mission is confidential. That's why we're launching at night. Please don't mention it to the Director. Isacas, I'm bringing you in on this too.
Isacas: Gotta keep the B-team together!
Gene: There's no room in the pod for you, but I'll need someone to keep an eye on the Director, and may want to make more clandestine launches in the future-
Isacas: Don't worry. We trust you Gene. Besides, we all want Jebediah back. This prank of the director's went way too far.
Gene: Right. A prank. Alright Jedlo, you're clear for launch. T-minus 5 seconds...
----------------------------------------------------------
Jedlo: Approaching the base now. Jeb, you there?
Jebediah: [via radio] Oh hey, I know that voice! You're Valentina's intern, right?
Jedlo: That was a long time ago, Jeb.
Jebediah: Right, don't mind me. The Mun's super boring and I've been sitting up here timewarping for a while. I've probably lost track.
Jedlo: That's what we're here to fix, Jeb. There's a spare seat on the return pod. Wanna go home?
Jebediah: Do I!
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: Isacas, how's the director doing?
Isacas: He's finishing up the last periapsis kick. The transfer was way off target, though, so there's a correction burn to be made as soon as it leaves Kerbin's SoI.
The Director: [from the other room] Oh god it's gonna take 50 goddamn minutes!
Gene: Make sure he stays with it the whole time. Jedlo, how's things going up there?
----------------------------------------------------------
Jedlo: We're landed. Steve's carrying over the battery pack.
Gene: Good. Get him to transmit any leftover data from when the base was occupied and then shut down the laboratory for good.
Jeb: Hi Jed!
Jed: Hi Jeb!
Steve: Alright, we're good to go.
Gene: Bring him home.
----------------------------------------------------------
Isacas: Gene! He's nearly done with the correction burn! What do I do?
The Director: 110 m/s... 100 m/s... 90 m/s... 80 m/s...
Gene: Stall him!
Isacas: How?!
Gene: I don't know! They're re-entering now! I just need a few minutes to confirm their landing position so I can send someone privately!
Isacas: Uh uh uh... HI DIRECTOR! WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEARN 10 INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SPACE TODAY?!
Gene: [facepalm]
The Director: 0 m/s.
Gene: Oh no.
The Director: ...
Isacas: ... director?
Gene: What's going on?
Isacas: His eyes are glazed. Director? You in there? [waves a hand in front of the Director's face]
The Director: ...
Gene: Is he timewarping to Dres' SoI?
Isacas: I don't know. I don't... think so. This is weird, right? This is definitely weird.
Jedlo: [via radio] Gene! Gene, we've landed.
Gene: I've got the co-ordinates. I'll send someone to get you. Mission control out.
[Gene shuts off the connection to Jedlo and scrubs all records of the mission]
The Director: Bwah!
Isacas: Whoa! You okay there, Director?
The Director: I think my brain completely shut down from boredom there for a second. Oh, hi Isacas! Hi Gene! What are you doing in so late?
Gene: ... nothing... much?
The Director: Fair enough! Wanna go out for a drink? I'll shout you one.
Isacas: Well I could use a drink after today. Mind if I invite some of the other scientists? Johnuki is loads of fun when he's drunk.
The Director: The more the merrier! What about you, Gene?
Gene: No, thank you sir.
The Director: Your loss, you're gonna want to be completely smashed for what I have planned tomorrow!
Gene: I believe you, sir.
-
----------------------------------------------------------
Episode 15: SSTO's
----------------------------------------------------------
SpoilerThe Director: Gene, you're glaring at me slightly more than usual today. You feeling alright?
Gene: ... I'm fine, sir. What fresh disaster do you have for us today?
The Director: Nothing, actually. I couldn't decide on a good mission. Help me decide, Gene!
Gene: You're going to take whatever I react to with the most horror, aren't you?
The Director: Yes, exactly!
Gene: Alright, let's do this.
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Gene: Alright, we do have a Dres flyby that lines up with the upcoming transfer window in 16 days. Additionally, this is a World First Contract, so we will need to do it eventually.
The Director: But... but Dres is boring! There's no glory at Dres, only neverending despair of uninteresting grey rocks!
Gene: Okay, then how about opening the door to space tourism? I know we did a few tourist missions before, but those were sort of... under the table. This request has been made publically, and accepting it would probably result in a lot more requests.
The Director: Urgh, rich people. Valentina would hate me if I accepted that. And isn't Tito Kerman that social media guy? I feel like Kerbin would be better served if we were to launch him into the sun.
Gene: Okay fine! Let's not take that one then! How about this? Someone's finally noticed that the the Mynoghrah Laboratory doesn't work. They want us to send up an engineer to find out what's going on.
The Director: We already know the problem, though? No batteries and no kerbals. Definitely no kerbals.
Gene: [narrows eyes suspiciously] ... sir... I've never questioned this before, but... why are you so determined to leave Jebediah on the Mun?
The Director: Who?
Gene: [inhales]... okay, let's move on. How about this? We'll take the tourist job and the Dres flyby-
The Director: But that's-
Gene: And we'll make them interesting.
The Director: ... I'm listening.
Gene: You said you'd never done SSTO spaceplanes before. So, let's do both of these missions with SSTO's. Here's the tutorial.
The Director: ... I dunno about this. Spaceplanes are hard. I might not be able to
screw them up horriblymake them awesome like I do with rockets.Gene: I'm sure you'll find a way, sir.
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[while the Director is busy in the Spaceplane Hanger, Gene slips into the VAB to clandestinely meet with Gus]
Gene: Hey Gus, I appreciate you meeting me like this. I'll keep this brief. I've convinced the director to spend some time in the Spaceplane Hanger. Can you build something for me on the down low, without him noticing?
Gus: I mean, sure. Even when he's working in here, he's got a very single-track mind, it's pretty easy to slip stuff by him when he's focused on something. We've all been taking double-length lunch breaks ever since he started working here.
Gene: I should... probably do something about that that, but build this for me and I'll forget you said anything.
Gus: Sure thing! [looks at blueprints] Sending someone to the Mun?
Gene: Bringing someone home from the Mun.
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: Huh.
Gene: I'm impressed. That almost looks like a plane.
The Director: I know, it's terrible, I'll scrap it start over.
Gene: What? No! If it flies, then we should use it. Besides, it's for a tourist job.
The Director: Actually, yeah, you're right. That guy doesn't deserve my glorious best. [shouting] Hey! Valentina!
Valentina: [distant voice echoing from the other side of KSC] Yeah?!
The Director: [shouting] Wanna fly my new SSTO?!
Valentina: [echo] Hell yeah, that sounds fun!
----------------------------------------------------------
Valentina: [simmering rage]
Tito Kerman: So, uuuh... are we going to space or...
Valentina: Do not talk to me. [turns on the radio] Director, you didn't tell me it was the spacebook guy. You know how I feel about social media.
The Director: Sorry Val, Gene says we can't kill 'im.
Valentina: Can I at least knock him out with gee-forces?
The Director: No, I didn't turn that option on. Look, I'm really sorry about this. Just finish the mission and I'll give you the rest of the day off, okay?
Valentina: This is the worst.
Tito Kerman: I'm... uh... I'm right here, you know. This is all kind of insulting, to be hon-
Valentina: I will strap you to the front and use you as a heat-shield if you say one more word. ALRIGHT, LET'S GO!
Tito: I realize you're the pilot and I'm just along for the ride, but are you sure this is standard takeoff procedure?!
Valentina: I've got this! Gonna jump it off the runway embankment!
Tito: I'll just keep my mouth shut from now on.
Valentina: You better.
Tito: Space is... space is incredible! This view is amazing!
Valentina: Well... I mean... yeah. Yeah, you got me there. It is pretty incredible. Never get's old, does it?
Tito: Kinda makes you wanna... break into song?
Valentina: What? No!
Tito: Sorry, I thought you were making a reference.
Valentina: Okay! Moments over! Back to hating you. Gene, can I bring this guy home yet?
Gene: He booked four hours in space, Val.
Valentina: Urgh and I didn't bring any timewarp snacks! This day is the woooorst!
----------------------------------------------------------
[stopwatch alarm goes off]
Valentina: Aaaand time's up! De-orbiting now!
Valentina: We're about to land. Thank you for flying with us today, thank me for landing this thing I've never flown before successfully and thank god it's over and done with. Now please go away and never come back.
Tito: You're... you're not exactly lined up with the runway...
Valentina: Oh crap, going sideways! BRAKES!
Valentina: Brakes was a mistake!
Tito: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Valentina: Aaand a perfect landing. Bye Tito!
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Gene: Well. That was... I wanna say "successful"? Tito got what he wanted, at least.
The Director: Alright, I'm gonna launch that Dres flyby sat you wanted now.
Gene: Another actual plane! Does it land better than the last one?
The Director: No idea, never actually tried. Val's off for the rest of the day, so I guess I'll send up Linley and- WHAT THE HECK IS THAT GUY STILL DOING HERE?
Gene: I... guess he's going back up? Yeah, the contract is still there. I guess he booked another 4 hours?
The Director: He probably stiffed us on a technicality! I'm not letting him take advantage of my space program! Somebody get me my broom!
Gene: They already launched.
The Director: Dammit!
Linley: Deploying the relay satellite now.
Tito: Ooh, fancy.
Linley: Well. This is alarming.
Tito: It's meant to do this, right?
Gene: Oh god. How are they still attached to the wings?
The Director: I 'unno. Quantum strings?
Gene: That's not.... [sigh]
Linley: We'll be landing in a moment. Thank you for flying with us, Sir.
Tito: Thank you! I must say, you're a lot nicer than that other pilot, Valentina. I'll be putting in a good word for you with your boss.
Linley: Thank you, sir. I appreciate it.
Linley: ... I meant to do that.
----------------------------------------------------------
Gus sidled up to Gene in a way that could not have been more suspicious and conspiratorial if he'd tried. Luckily, nobody was watching.
Gus: Gene. It's ready.
Gene: Thank you, Gus. I'll find a time to launch it when nobody's around.
Gus: [flashes a thumbs up]
Gene nodded. More and more he was convinced that the director's supposedly irrational actions had to have some reason behind them. Why was the director so determined to strand Jebediah on the moon with no communications? The obvious answer was that he had been the lead pilot under the former director. So, what did he know? Had he been involved in the secret rocket launch? Or was he related to the hooded kerbal somehow?
It was time to find out.
----------------------------------------------------------
-
----------------------------------------------------------
Episode 14.5: Gene launches some boring Mapping Probes
----------------------------------------------------------
SpoilerThe Director: Geeeeeennne! I'm booooorrrred.
Gene: I'm busy with these accounts, go bother someone else. Uh... sir.
The Director: But they want us to dock in solar orbit, Gene!
Gene: So do it? That sounds trivial. Like I said, I'm busy with... something.
[The director putters around Gene's office for a while until it becomes apparent that Gene really is busy and isn't simply ignoring him]
The Director: Well fine! If you're not going to pay attention to me, I'm going to install some mods.
[Gene looks up]
Gene: W... what did you do to my office?
The Director: I organised it for you!
Gene: I don't believe for a second that you have the patience or the motivation for that.
The Director: I told other people to organise it for you!
Gene: ... yeah, that checks out. And these contracts... why are they different from before?
The Director: I had a meeting with our clients and... performed some diplomacy.
Gene: And how many people died?
The Director: None! Probably. I think? I didn't actually go back to check.
Gene: Some of these contracts are written in crayon. Wait, is this your handwriting?
The Director: Definitely not. Give me that. [snatches contract and throws it into a paper shredder]
Gene: Fine... [looks over the list]... there's a group of 9 SCANSAT contracts here that would be an easy win. They line up with the scheduled map-sat launch.
The Director: The who what now?
Gene: I've been planning to deploy some more of those mapping satellites you designed for some time. It was in your brief.
The Director: Wait... you... liked... one of my designs?
Gene: Indeed. I've told you before, those satellites are great surveying tools.
The Director: ... that makes me feel weird.
Gene: Tell you what sir, I'll take care of this mission. You just... keep doing whatever it is you do.
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: Hello Gus. Is the launch vehicle ready?
Gus: Hi Gene. Indeed it is. Thank you for the detailed blueprints, by the way. Usually we get crayon drawings.
Gene: That's.... unsurprising. But you're welcome. You're doing good work here.
Mortimer: [happy accountant noises]
Gene: You're welcome too, Mortimer. Aside from the fairings and a couple of airbrakes, the re-usable launch vehicle is a success. Honestly, I wish we could do more simple, efficient launches like this...
Gus: You and me both, friend. Between you and me, I don't care if she was embezzling money, the former director was way easier to work under.
Gene: ... I... uh... yeah. I have to go put the satellites in position.
Gus: Sure thing, boss.
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene returned to his office and once again brought out the accounting records he'd borrowed from Mortimer, which had been occupying his thoughts this entire mission.
The crazy hooded figure had been right. Mortimer's conclusion had been based on the fact that he had only been looking at the money. The money hadn't just vanished: it had been used to purchase rocket parts. A lot of rocket parts. It was the parts that had, apparently, vanished.
It was almost as if someone had built and launched a rocket into space the same night the former director had vanished.
But... there hadn't been a launch that night: Gene would have seen it if there had been. He prided himself on knowing exactly what vehicles were being launched, and when. In fact, there was only one Kerbal in existence who had ever been able to launch rockets from KSP's launch pad without Gene noticing...
Gene's face darkened and his knuckles whitened as he clenched his fists in anger.
He couldn't afford to be rash. Not yet. He didn't know anything for sure, yet. Maybe the man was innocent. Maybe he hadn't launched the former director into space and taken over her job purely to sate his ego.
But if he had, Gene would find the proof of his crime, and the Director would be brought to justice.
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-
9 minutes ago, jimmymcgoochie said:
Is it just me, or did you miss the ‘bring stuff back’ contracts on that last update?
Also really hoping to bump this onto page 2 as the loading times with all those images are getting obscenely long...
Bob picked those up and put them in the D'endrreh while he was on Duna and Ike.
I'll see if spoilering all the posts helps any with the loading times.
-
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Epsiode 14: Duna Superstation
(Part 4: Cleaning Up)
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Spoiler[Gene watches the Director storm furiously out of the room]
Gene: Finally. Okay folks, he's gone! Let's clean this mess up before he gets back. Isacas, Steve, are you there?
Isacas: Hey Gene! B-team here.
Gene: ... B-team?
Steve: Yeah, we figure Val, Bill and Bob are the A-team, so that makes me, Isacas and Jedlo the B-team.
Gene: Technically, Jebediah's also a part of the A-team. Though the Director doesn't seem to like him for some reason.
Isacas: Can we have Grafry, then?
Gene: You can do whatever you want, since these 'teams' of yours are completely unofficial. Though... I kind of like the idea of organizing everyone into teams... [shakes head] That's not important right now! I need you to launch for Duna immediately. Get that Ore to Duna and land as close to Bob and Valentina as you can.
Isacas: Sure.
Gene: Oh, and remember that you're carrying a lot of ore. Thrust-to-weight will be low, so start your slow-down burn as soon as possible.
Steve: We've got this.
Gene: Okay, that's the Ike-to-Duna Ore Contract complete. Steve, Bob should be driving over now. You know about his situation?
Steve: Yeah, we were eavesdropping via the radio.
Isacas: In our defense, Ike is incredibly boring.
Gene: You know what to do then.
Steve: [trips]
Isacas: Pfff- Hahahaha!
Steve: I meant to do that!
Steve: There you go, Bob. I've hooked up the scanner arm. It should now be operational.
Bob: [nods gratefully and trundles off to do science for the rest of the afternoon]
Isacas: ...why is he doing everything upside down?
Steve: Don't question it. Trust me, it's easier that way.
Gene: Okay, what do we still have left?
Gene: Duna stone and Duna Ejecta, check, Bob's picked up one of each. Wilgan and Lemfrod are waiting to come home aboard the Uvhash, check. Steve and Isacas will need to travel back to Ike from Duna with the Ore they picked up, and Val should follow them. Okay, that's a nice and simple flight plan. The D'endrrah and the Ore Lander can stop over at Ike, then rendezvous with the Uvhash for the trip home. So long as nothing unexpected happens, we should be-
The Director: [Bursts into Mission Control] HI EVERYONE I'M BACK! LAUNCH BOB INTO SPACE!
Gene: What.
Bob: Oh god no.
The Director: Whoops, there goes the antenna. On the bright side, at least now the radio isn't full of his screaming.
Gene: You're a monster.
Gene: ... but why though?
The Director: It looked like you weren't going to.
Gene: Because it wasn't necessary! The D'endrrah is a passenger SSTO and it's right there.
The Director: I put a rocket on that rover so I'm going to use it. Don't question my methods, Gene. Also, why were you taking control of my mission? Are you trying to usurp my power?
Gene: I'm your second in command and you ran out of the room screaming something about quicksaves.
The Director: Oh yeah, that did happen.
Gene: Anyway. Should I have the B-team deliver that ore to Ike now?
The Director: What the hell is a B-team?
Gene: ... yeah, no, not even going to try and explain it. Steve, you know what to do.
Steve: I do know what to do!
The Director: I knew it, you are trying to usurp my power! Well two can play at that game! Val!
Valentina: Yeah, boss?
The Director: You know what to do!
Valentina: [awkward] ... Um, no?
The Director: Oh for the love of- do whatever Steve just did!
Valentina: To Ike, then?
The Director: Yes!
Valentina: Should I... pick up Bob on the way?
The Director: Um... okay, yes. Do that.
Valentina: Sweet!
Valentina: God, this thing flies so much better when it's full of fuel.
The Director: I know, right? I probably should have tested that before sending it to Duna.
Gene: Yes. Yes you should have.
Valentina: Eh, it's fine. Makes it more interesting.
Valentina: Hi Bob! Good to see you again! Still got all that science?
Bob: [Gibbering madness]
Valentina: Glad to hear it, buddy! Let's go to Ike.
Gene: Alright, they're both on Ike to refuel. One more mission goal, and then...
The Director: Already done!
Gene: [raises finger to say something]... [lowers finger without saying anything]...
The Director: So, that's everything done, right? They're ready to come home!
Gene: ... indeed. So... how are we getting everyone home?
The Director: I dunno. Didn't think that far ahead. You've got idea's, right?
Gene: Okay, yes, that's true. I have two possible strategies.
The Director: Hit me!
Gene: I'd get arrested if I did. Here's what I've got: firstly, we could bring them all home aboard the D'endrrah. I know you intended it as a passenger SSTO for the Duna system, but quite frankly it's balance problems are a danger to everyone aboard. I suggest we bring it back and scrap it for parts.
The Director: I want to object, but I also don't want to completely destroy my F9 button.
Gene: The second option is... a bit more complicated. The contract to place a station in Duna orbit didn't say we had to leave it there. We could bring the entire Uvhash habitat home and send an SSTO up to it to pick up the crew.
The Director: I dunno if I can build an SSTO.
Gene: I'll send you an online tutorial.
The Director: But the Ike contract says-
Gene: That we have to recover a vessel from the orbit of Ike. What if they were to bring back Bob's little rover-rocket with them? It's been to Ike, and the Uvhash has a claw we could attach it to.
The Director: Gene... when did you become a genius?! That's brilliant!
Gene: Your approval fills me with shame.
The Director: But you're not quite there yet. There's a better solution than either of those!
Gene: Your excitement fills me with dread.
The Director: We can do... BOTH AT ONCE!
Valentina: Hey everyone! Didya miss me?
Everyone: No!
Bill: Well, I did.
Valentina: You don't count.
Bill: Aww.
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[1 wait for a transfer window later]
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Valentina: Alright folks! T-minus 5 seconds! Hang on to something, and let's... go... IntoASolarOrbitFromWhichWeCanPerformTheFinalKerbinInjectionBurn.
[engines briefly puff on]
Isacas: Well, that was anti-climactic.
Valentina: The big burn comes later.
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[later]
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Valentina: BIG BURN NOW! [Fires up engines without warning]
Bob: Aaaaaaaaarrrrrgggh!
Valentina: Whoops. Did I trigger some traumatic memories there?
Grafry: No, he spilled his coffee on his lap.
Bob: It buuuurrrrrrrnnsss!
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[Yet more later still!]
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Valentina: Kerbin capture burn!
Jedlo: Uuuuh... slight issue. We definitely had more delta-V than that left. We'll be able to capture, but not much than that.
Valentina: Huh. That's weird. HEY! BILL!
Bill: Yes, my friend?
Valentina: Go stick your head in a fuel tank and tell me what you see.
Bill: Certainly! [sticks his head in a fuel tank] Tons of liquid fuel, no oxidizer and a lot less hydrogen than we should have.
Valentina: Alright, who left the fuel cell on? Come on! Whoever did it needs to come clean or we're all staying back after class!
Jedlo: I think I can see a 3-burn course to Minmus for refueling. We have enough dV to make it, but... barely.
Valentina: What does "barely" mean?
Jedlo: We have 231 m/s dV. First burn is 175.3, intercept is 18.5, and Minmus capture is 16.5, leaving us with about 20 m/s left over. If that evaporates, we'll need a new plan.
Valentina: Urgh, math. Can we leave anything behind?
Jedlo: If we do, it'll eventually hit the moon or be flung into solar orbit.
Valentina: We'll take the risk, then! Let's go! Apoapsis Burn!
Jedlo: 54 m/s left!
Valentina: Intercept burn!
Jedlo: In 132 days!
Valentina: ...what?
Jedlo: We'll have to wait a while for the orbits to line up.
Valentina: ... you ruined it. You ruined the pacing.
Jedlo: Oh. Sorry. I didn't realise we were doing a bit.
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[132 days later]
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Valentina: Okay, let's try this again. Jedlo!
Jedlo: 54 m/s left!
Valentina: Intercept burn!
Jedlo: 37 m/s left!
Valentina: We overshot! Correction burn!
Jedlo: 30 m/s left!
Valentina: Minmus capture burn!
Jedlo: 6m/s left... and we have a stable Minmus Orbit. We did it!
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Yomagn'tho: HELLO. I WILL BE YOUR MINMUS REFUELING UNIT. MY NAME IS YOMAGN'THO. HOW MAY I HELP YOU TODAY?
Valentina: Whoa, you're a big boy. I'll take one order of sweet minty hydrogen with a side of oxidizer, please. And take care with the solar panels, they're fragile.
The Refueler: ACKNOWLEDGED. DISPENSING HYDROGEN. DISPENSING OXIDIZER. HAVE A NICE DAY.
It's job done, the Yomagn'tho returned to Minmus
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Gene: One last thing to do. Bring them home, Val.
Valentina: Roger that, Control!
Gene: I never actually asked, what exactly are you going to do with the Uvhash habitat module?
The Director: I thought that was obvious. I'm going to add it to the KSS.
Gene: ... the KSS. The LKO space station you mentioned in passing once and then never brought up again?
The Director: Yep! The Kerbinternational Space Station. Jewel of the Kerbin system.
Gene: Kerbinternational isn't a word.
The Director: It'll look good there. Coming up on the station now.
Gene: Is that it? Somehow I was expecting more.
The Director: Just gotta get rid of this spare booster...
The Director: There we go.
Gene: Okay, now for the hard part. Val?
Valentina: Let's do thiiiiiis!
Gene: Before you do that, have someone re-pack your parachutes. Just in case.
Valentina: Betchya I can land it without them.
The Director: I bet ya can't!
Gene: You're realise you're both wagering 20 Kerbals lives on this bet, right?
Valentina: Let's do thiiiiis!
----------------------------------------------------------
Valentina: Uh oh, what was that?
The Director: I think you just blew one of the lights off with the engine gimbals. Why'd you turn them back on?
Valentina: Because I need them, because I didn't refuel it entirely and it's still off-balance.
Gene: Why not?!
The Director: Well, unlike Gene, I respect your decisions, but you shouldn't a did that. The gimbals are locked to keep it from blowing it's own rear fins off.
Valentina: Ooooh. That's why we're spinning wildly out of control right now. That makes sense.
Gene: You're what?!
Valentina: Oh crap, here comes re-entry. See you on the other side folks!
[communications cut off by re-entry plasma]
Valentina: Kssssssshhhh- there? Are you there? Gene?
Gene: There you are! We hear you. What happened?
Valentina: Good news and bad news. The good news is we survived re-entry and nothing exploded.
The Director: A new record!
Valentina: Bad news is the parachutes deployed and now I don't get to land it properly.
The Director: Hah! I win the bet!
Valentina: You win nothing! It's your fault the staging was all screwed up in the first place!
The Director: Nope! The bet was that you could land it without the parachutes. You're landing it with parachutes, ergo I win.
Valentina: You little-
Gene: Children, children! Can we please focus on landing the goddamn plane.
Valentina: And we're down.
The Director: See, Gene? Easy.
The Director: Will you stop moving for a second so i can recover the plane?
Valentina: Maybe next time you give it brakes that can actually keep it from rolling down hills?
The Director: Or you could land it somewhere flat for once.
Valentina: Screw you, Director! My landing sites are perfect!
The Director: Stop! Moving!
Valentina: Fine! Boop!
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Mission Complete!
- All contract goals achieved!
- Science: 10417
- 5 star Kerbals: Valentina, Bob, Isacas, Steve and Grafry.
- Total Profit: 7,454,000 funds
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Late that night, after a somewhat rowdy party with all the kerbonauts returning from Duna, Gene Kerman stumbled home. He was only a little bit drunk, or at least that's what he would have told anyone who had asked, but he was smart enough not to try driving home in this state. He heard a "psst" as he passed by a Baobab tree that penetrated the comfortable haze of his inebriated mind.
Baobab Tree: Psst. Hey, psst! Gene Kerman! Gene! Kerman!
Gene: [blurry] Wassa fffff- tree? Wassa tree doin' talkin' ta me?
Baobab Tree: I'm not a- I'm behind the tree you drunk moron!
Gene: I'm no' a moron! Efferyone else is ssssstttt- ssstttooo- dumb. But I'm not. Im a smart one. An' you're just a tree don't tell me what ta do.
Baobab Tree: Fine, I'm coming out.
A kerbal stepped out from behind the tree. Their face and body were completely hidden beneath a dark hooded cloak, but from their movements they seemed nervous. They kept glancing around, as if making sure they were alone. When they spoke, their voice was deep and robotic sounding, most likely being obscured by some sort of voice synthesizer.
Hooded Kerbal: Listen, Mr. Kerman. Try to focus, please. This is important.
Gene: Lotta stuff's important, friend buddy friend. Like parachutes! An' budgets, an' not building fffffff- horrible sssstooopid abominations and pretending they're rockets...
Hooded Kerbal: It's about the former director!
Gene: [abruptly stops moving] Whaddyou say?
Hooded Kerbal: I know you looked up to her! Listen, I can't talk for long, they're looking for me, but-
Gene: [suddenly shouting] WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!
Hooded Kerbal: Shh, they'll hear you! Listen! She didn't steal the money!
Gene: ... what?
Hooded Kerbal: The money wasn't stolen, it was spent!
Gene: Spent? ... what does that mean?
Hooded Kerbal: Look into the accounts, Mr. Kerman! Follow the money! You're a smart Kerbal, connect the dots yourself! And don't tell anyone what you're doing. They'll be coming for you too, sooner or later. You can't trust them! You can't trust anyone!
Gene: Who are you? Who are they? What's this all about?
The wind suddenly changed, and there was a muffled noise in the distance. It was probably just some small animal, but the Hooded Kerbal flinched and looked around frantically for the source of the noise. Gene realized this person was more than just nervous. They were terrified.
Hooded Kerbal: I have to go before they find me! I'll be in touch. Don't tell anyone about me.
Gene: I don't even know who you are!
Hooded Kerbal: Trust me. It's safer that way.
Gene: Trust you? But... wait, hang on, you just told me not to trust anyo-
Hooded Kerbal: Goodbye, Mr. Kerman! Trust no one!
The Hooded Kerbal faded into the night, or at least tried to. The effect was rather ruined by the fact that there was still just enough light to render them completely visible as they awkwardly backed away, before finally turning 180 and sprinting away on their short Kerbal legs. Gene stared as the figure fled into the night and, suddenly feeling very sober, made a mental note to ask Mortimer to borrow his accounting records tomorrow morning.
----------------------------------------------------------
-
----------------------------------------------------------
Epsiode 14: Duna Superstation
(Part 3: Life On Duna)
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SpoilerValentina: [claps hands] Alright folks, no time to waste!
Jedlo: We have way more than a year before the next transfer window.
Valentina: What I meant to say is, we've got a job to do. We can sit around and timewarp later! Bob, you're with me!
Bob: Me? Oh no, please...
Valentina: I need SCIENCE, man, and you're the only one I can trust! Don't fail me now, Bob!
Bob: [being dragged away by Valentina] Help me.
[several Kerbals studiously fail to make eye contact]
----------------------------------------------------------
Pieces start falling off of the Uvhash, one by one. Luckily, this was all part of the plan. Firstly, the Little Science Rover pops off the top and is scooped up by Valentina and Bob in the D'endrrah.
Next, the Duna Relay Satellite decouples, followed by the large lander designed to transfer ore between Duna and Ike. After some Kerbal-shuffling, Steve and Isacas crew the Ore Lander and wave goodbye to their colleages on the Uvhash.
They keep waving as the lander very slowly drifts away from the station, right up until they realise that it's going to take days until the exit burn and continually waving for that long would be super awkward.
After that, it's time to wait for Apoapsis, juggle a few correction burns, and put both mining vessels on an intercept course with the Ike. At the same time, the relay satellite does an inclination change to aim for it's destined orbit.
Steve and Isacas, despite being the last to leave, are the first to arrive at the Evil Moon.
Steve: We made it! Congratulations, Isacas.
Isacas: Same to you, Steve. Indeed we did. I'll perform the experiments, you get the mining equipment set up.
Steve: This was... strangely easy. The probe core basically took care of the landing for us and we had no shortage of fuel. Why do the A-team keep encountering so many problems on these missions?
Isacas: Don't jinx it, Steve. Duna's up next, once we refuel and get ourselves 600 units of ore.
Steve: Right. That one'll probably be harder. By the way, what's with the fancy green suit?
Isacas: This is scientist EVA gear. And green is my favorite colour.
Steve: No fair, our engineer suits are decades old. Practically vintage. I want lights too!
----------------------------------------------------------
[Meanwhile]
Valentina: Ike coming in fast! Make peace with your gods Bob, here we goooooo!
Bob: Oh no.
Valentina: Oh shoot! That refueling was a botch job, this thing is horribly unbalanced!
Bob: Oh no!
Valentina: hey, Bob, could you move the fuel around a bit to balance the craft before we need to land? Be quick about it though, or we're gonna hit Ike at 465.5 m/s.
Bob: Aaaaaaaa! Val, this is impossible!
Valentina: I'm willing to consider the possibility that it was a bad idea to attach a rover to the front of a VTOL and then try to land it. Whoops, that's rover's landing gear, not mine. Oh cool, it looks like a weird spider thing.
Bob: No no no nonononono!
Valentina: Hang on, I think I got it?
Bob: AAAAAA-
Valentina: Yeah, I got it! Sweet! Just need to avoid throttling up and we should be fine. Slowing down now.
Bob: AAAAaaaaaaaaa wait are we going to live?
Valentina: That's what I've been trying to tell you. Everything's under control. You're fine, Bob. Everything's fine.
Bob: Everything's fine?
Valentina: Everything's fine. See? We landed. Except now we're gaining speed as we roll down the hill. Who cut our brakes?!
Bob: Oh god, everything's not fine.
Valentina: Relax! We might be gaining speed, but the RCS should... okay, the RCS isn't slowing us down. We're careening wildly out of control down the hill.
Bob: [eyes glaze over as his mind tries to cope by tuning out reality]
Valentina: I got this! Just need a boop with the engines and then to turn sideways without rolling! What could go wrong? Boop!
----------------------------------------------------------
Valentina: See Bob? Everything was fine. You were worried over nothing.
Bob: ...
Valentina: Go on, Bob. Go and do your science. That always make you feel better.
Bob: ...
Valentina: There's a shiny rock over there. Go on Bob! Go get that shiny rock!
Bob: ...
Valentina: Yeah, he'll be fine.
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[Meanwhile, back at Kerbin]
The Director: Hey, Gene. Bob did the Ike spacewalk! See what the World Firsts mob have for us now.
Gene: Alright, looks like... a docking in orbit around Ike.
The Director: Sweet! We've got two craft mining Ike right now, we can dock the both of them before we leave!
Gene: And return to Kerbin.
The Director: ... what?
Gene: They probably figured out what we were up to.
The Director: Those petty scumbags! Fine then, send them a meaningless crew report from the Uvhash to fulfill that other contract. Someone saying 'situation is nominal' or something. If they're going to waste my time, I'm going to waste theirs.
Gene: You do realize the World First Society are different people from the labs that wanted our science data, don't you?
The Director: Don't care, too mad for logic!
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[Meanwhile, back on Ike]
Isacas: We're just about done already? That's awesome!
Steve: Yep, fully fueled and our Ore is going up fast. These mining drills are really quite efficient. I made a few optimizations, but realistically I don't know how much I actually helped.
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[Meanwhile, still on Ike but 90km further over the horizon]
Valentina: Oh my god, these mining drills are crap. We really should have brought an engineer
Bob: Why didn't we?
Valentina: I was too busy dragging your butt onto the ship to consider it, remember?
Bob: Oh. Right. Are we still slipping down the hill?
Valentina: Very slowly.
Bob: ...
Valentina: ... wanna get high?
Bob: Yes please.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Let's do the docking later. The D'endrrah is taking forever to refuel. Should we send Steve and Isacas to Duna now?
Gene: Before you do... the R&D Team has been studying the high-res visual map from the mapping satellite you deployed.
The Director: Those things are neat, huh?
Gene: I hate you and everything you stand for, but yes, those satellites are amazing. These pictures are incredible. And we've detected some sort of... anomaly.
The Director: Anomaly?
Gene: Perhaps we should send Steve and Isacas to check it out?
The Director: Uuurrrgh.
Gene: Please?
The Director: But I wanna go to Duuunaaaa already.
Gene: Sir, it's just a quick hop over the surface of Ike.
The Director: Fiiiiine.
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[Mission Control is filled with awed silence, the only sound Isacas' ragged breathing over the radio]
Isacas: [stammering] Sir, I... Sir this is... I'm not sure I should be the one to...
Gene: Isacas, I want you to take as many pictures as you can, but do not touch it. We don't know if it's dangerous. Plant a flag nearby so we can find it again easily.
Isacas: Sir, is this what I think it is? Actual, real-life evidence of extrakerrestrial life?
[the doors to mission control burst open and Wernher von Kerman burst into the room]
Wernher Von Kerman: Gene Kerman! What the hell is zis rubbish you are sending us?
Gene: [taken aback] Wernher! I haven't seen you months. We're kind of in the middle of something important right now...
Wernher: So were we when you interrupted us with zis idiotic transmission from Ike!
Gene: FROM IKE?! Wernher, show me this transmission, now!
Wernher: Wait, are you saying you didn't send zis?
Gene: NOW, WERNHER!
The Director: [quietly follows along behind]
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Wernher: So you see, these designs cannot be built with current technology. Zey are stupid baby designs drawn by people with no understanding of the limitations of the materials!
Gene: With current technology... Wernher, could these designs be built with more advanced technology?!
Wernher: Well anything's possible, but-
Gene: Oh my god, this is big. Wernher, this is massive!
Wernher: Precisely! It's too massive! It would collapse under it's own weight before it even left the launch pad!
The Director: [perks up] Massive?
Wernher: I refuse to waste another second of my and my teams extremely valuable time on zese ignorant idiot shenanigans!
The Director: How massive, exactly?
Gene: Oh dear, and he'd been so quiet until now. Alright, that's my cue to exit. Bye Wernher! Good luck!
Wernher: Vhat?
[Gene flee's the lab as the Director grabs Wernher by the shoulders and starts shaking him]
The Director: HOW MASSIVE, WERNHER?!
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Gene: Alright Isacas, Steve, the Director is distracted so why don't you tour around Ike for a while and do some experimentation?
Steve: Sure thing, Gene.
Isacas: I'm not sure I can focus right now, Gene. This is too big for me. I mean... that Monolith, it looked like the one near the space center...
Gene: That's why you're doing simple experiments on Ike. Okay? Visit all the biomes, learn what you can about Duna's moon.
Isacas: I... I understand. Thank you, Gene.
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[The Director returns to Mission Control]
Gene: Welcome back, Director. So, how'd it go with Wernher?
The Director: It puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again.
Gene: I'm going to assume that means he'll analyse the data and see if he can get it to work.
The Director: If he can't I'll be installing TweakScale to make it work. So, can we go to Duna yet?
Gene: Uh... no, I'm afraid not. The Ore Lander is out of fuel again.
The Director: What? Why? Have you betrayed me at last, Gene? What did you do you traitor?!
Gene: Calm down, Sir. We got 40-something experiments out of it.
The Director: Aaaand you are instantly forgiven. Carry on. What about the D'endrrah?
Gene: Basically no change.
The Director: Arright, this is stupid. They need an Engineer. Can we get them one?
Gene: Steve can head over to them.
The Director: No, I don't want them to share. Can we get them their own engineer?
Gene: You mean from the Uvhash? They don't even have the delta-V to get off Ike right now.
The Director: ... I wonder if we can land the Uvhash on Ike? It's got plenty of delta-V now that it's dropped most of the payload.
Gene: [horrified pause]... no. No! Definitely not! Not unless you want to use solar panels as landing legs!
The Director: ... you know, I kinda do.
Gene: No!
The Director: What about EVAing down to Ike from Low Orbit?
Gene: That's rediculous!
The Director: And I'm doin' it anways!
Gene: Okay well, while you're doing that, I'm going to have Steve and Isacas meet up with Val and Bob on Ike. There's still a few experiments at the south pole and western mountains we can do on the way.
The Director: Sure.
Gene: And you've got nothing against Steve helping Val and Bob get fuel faster, right?
The Director: 'Course not.
Gene: And, now that they've got plenty of delta-V, you've of course got nothing against them rendezvousing with the Uvhash instead of forcing some poor innocent engineer to perform a death-defying stunt, right?
The Director: ... I have been thwarted. Well played, Gene Kerman. Fine, they'll rendezvous after the Ike pass. We'll leave the Ike docking for later.
Gene: Thank you, sir.
Grafry jets over to join Val and Bob. In hindsight, I probably should have sent Bill and kept the A-team together. Oh well, I'm pretty sure Graf has more stars anyway.
The Director: Pleeeaase let me go to Duna already, I want to crawl on the sand with my fingered nails!
Gene: What?
The Director: References.
Gene: Oh.
The Director: Alright, let's airbrake into low Duna orbit!
Valentina: I wonder if I can land the ship with that rover attached?
Bob: No!
Grafry: No!
Valentina: You make a good point. Alright, Grafry, we need to detach the rover and send it on it's way, so help me knock Bob out.
Grafry: Okay!
Bob: what?
[SMACK]
----------------------------------------------------------
Bob: [wakes up] Uuugh what happened-
Valentina: Bye Bob! Bring us back some science!
Bob: Wha- Aaaaaaaaaa!
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: Please tell me she just decided to do that and it wasn't part of the mission.
The Director: I don't understand. I mean, obviously the rover was designed to be de-orbited. Originally the Uvhash was supposed to be in Low Duna Orbit, though.
Gene: Did you intend for Bob to be thrown to Duna from Orbit?
The Director: No comment.
Gene: I shouldn't have asked.
Gene: ... poor Bob.
The Director: That's what he get's for trying to play pilot.
Gene: [ragged, long-suffering sigh]
Gene: I assume that thing was supposed to be upright.
The Director: No worries, Bob's got this.
The Director: And now Bob can go around and scan surface features!
The Director: ... say nothing.
Gene: I didn't.
The Director: You were thinking it, you stand-up guy.
The Director: Well, bob can still do other science. This isn't a huge problem.
Gene: I beg to differ.
The Director: Oh what now?!
Gene: We have a contract to scan a Duna Stone, remember?
The Director: Uuuuueeaaargh! OKAY! WE CAN DEAL WITH THIS! VALENTINA!
Valentina: [via radio] Yup Boss?
The Director: Go meet up with Bob!
Valentina: Sure! On it!
The Director: This should be interesting.
Gene: Why?
The Director: Because it that thing is really unbalanced right now. Landing it is going to be practically impossible...
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F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9
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Valentina ended up taking a particularly steep retrograde descent and blowing the chutes as soon to try and stay upright on final approach.
Grafry: Oh dammit, this is all useless! Why don't we have any spare batteries?
Valentina: Pull the batteries off this craft, we're not going anywhere for a while.
Grafry: There aren't any! The battery bank is internal!
Bob: Is there anything else that holds electric charge?
Grafry: Let's see... there's a fuel cell array and a probe core. Let's try attaching those to the rover...
Valentina: Son of a-
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: [rage quit]
----------------------------------------------------------
-
----------------------------------------------------------
Episode 15: Duna Superstation
(Part 2: Crew launch & Rendezvous)
----------------------------------------------------------
SpoilerGene: Alright. We can still do this sensibly. We just need to crew the Uvhash, and...
The Director: No no, the crew are going to Duna separately so we can complete the rendezvous requirement.
Gene: Aboard what, exactly?
The Director: One of these!
Gene: Did... did you crash three planes into each other and make a new plane out of the result?
The Director: It's an SSTO!
Gene: No, it isn't.
The Director: Not here, but it will be on Duna.
Gene: Does this abomination even fly?
The Director: 'Course it does! Oi, Val!
Valentina: What do you need, boss?
The Director: See this plane? I want you to take it out for a spin and show Gene that it works!
Valentina: Sure thing!
Gene: [suspicious] It has a probe core, why are you relying on Valentina for this?
The Director: I said it flew, I didn't say it was easy to fly. Val's a better pilot than me.
Gene: I thought you said it was hard to fly?
The Director: It is! I guess Val's just awesome. There must be some reason we employ her.
Gene: Alright, fine. So, how are we getting it to Duna?
The Director: I'll have to think about that. Don't worry Gene, I'll work something out!
Gene: Don't be coy, we both know you're just going to mount it sideways on top of a dozen oversized boosters.
The Director: ... well I might not.
Gene: But you're going to.
The Director: ...
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: ... I really should have kept my mouth shut, shouldn't I?
The Director: I decided I didn't want my antics to be so predictable.
The Director: Alright, let's launch this thing!
Gene: What, now? The transfer window is still 61 days away.
The Director: Yeah but everyone already got aboard and I don't want to re-do their seat assignments.
The Director: Punch it Val! Let's go to spaaaaaaaaaaaa-
The Director: -aaaaaaaaaaaaccccceee! And now we wait.
Gene: Have you named this craft yet?
The Director: Yup! She's called the D’endrrah.
Gene: Is there some sort of lovekraftian mythological significance to the name?
The Director: Duna and D'endrrah both start with D.
Gene: ...
The Director: Look, they're not all gonna be winners, Gene.
----------------------------------------------------------
[60 days later]
----------------------------------------------------------
Valentina: And. We're. OFF!
OOC: I like how the Kerbals have all separated into their little cliques by occupation and uniform. Pilots front-left of the craft, engineers back-left, scientists front-right, and tourists in the back near the airlock so we can vent them into space at a moments notice..
The Director: And they're off, closely followed by Blood-Mad God of the Void!
Gene: I'm going to insist you simply call it the Uvhash when we put you in front of the camera's.
Val: Say g'bye to Kerbin, everyone. It's going to be a while before we see it again.
----------------------------------------------------------
[A bunch of days and two tiny correction burns later]
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: They should be arriving at Duna soon. We're running short on delta-V, so the crew aboard the D’endrrah will head straight in for an aerobraking capture and then wait 30 days for the Uvhash to arrive and circularize.
The Director: We could probably fuel up the D'endrrah on Ike or Duna while we're waiting.
Gene: Fuel up? You mean it has an ISRU?
The Director: Well, yeah.
Gene: And you didn't think to mention that?! I thought you were just cutting the delta-V margins ridiculously close!
The Director: There is a problem, though.
Gene: Yes, I see it. If we don't rendezvous with the Uvhash and instead land on Ike for refueling, it will cost us a potential World First contract.
The Director: I was thinking those tourists never actually paid to land on Ike and idea of giving rich jackoff's more than they paid for disgusts me to my very core. But your problem works too. Alright, here's what we'll do...
First, we'll do an aerobraking pass to capture in an elliptical orbit around Duna.
Then, we'll GODDAMMIIT IKE YOU JERK NOW I HAVE TO DO AN INCLINATION CHANGE WHAT THE HELL.
Then, we'll put ourselves into a distant parking orbit and let the Uvhash rendezvous with us using it's more efficient nuclear engines. At this distance, we should be able to avoid wasting too much delta-V. We can also refuel from the reserves on the Uvhash before we attempt any sort of landing, if the margins seem slim.
Val: And that's 0.0 m/s. We're here.
Steve: Engineers, assemble!
Bill: Alright my friends! Steve, me and Grafry are going to jet across and set the inflatable habitats up for everyone else. We'll also use the radio to let the director know, I think he's waiting to tell the clients.
Isacas: Can you also shut off those awful red lights while you're at it? The glare is giving me a headache.
Maya: Oh my god, Isacas! That's not the red lights, that's the 5G tower in the ship!
Anlorf: No, that's dumb. Stop being dumb, Maya.
Maya: What are you, some sort of skeptic? I'm telling you, they're trying to melt your brains with radio waves so you'll vote for the insectoid dopplegangers that control the system.
Anlorf: How do you function?
Maya: Pff. I bet I could convince you if I could just show you my corkboard at home. Nothing with this much red string can be false!
Steve: [via radio] Hey folks, the Habitat's are ready now. Val, could you dock with the station?
Valentina: Uh Steve... the docking port's the wrong size.
Bill: Just use the claw and transfer over.
Valentina: I'll never understand how that works.
Bill: And now you know how we feel about your horrible timewarp snacks.
Valentina: Fair point.
----------------------------------------------------------
Grafry: Hey Bill, gotta problem.
Bill: What is it, my friend?
Grafry: Looks like someone left one of the fuel cells on. In the time it took to transfer out here it drained half the fuel from the mining lander.
Bill: Well that's most unfortunate!
Steve: Actually, those fuel cells were left on by design. The station must have lost power on the dark side of Kerbin and the cells kicked in to prevent us from losing any hydrogen. Check the adapter tanks on the tug, it may have been draining from the wrong end.
Grafry: Oh, I see. You're right, the tanks on the tug are full. I'll transfer some fuel out of them then, shall I?
Steve: Yeah, do that. To the passenger shuttle as well, we need to compensate for that plane change we had to do earlier.
Bill: Indeed!
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: Well, we're not exactly where we planned to be, thanks to Ike. This elliptical tundra orbit is frankly kind of an awful situation. But we have two craft with ISRU and more than enough delta-V to get home, so they should be fine. Plus, our crew will be comfortable while they wait aboard the station. We've had worse situations.
The Director: Yes, but do we have any new world first contracts?
Gene: Uh... yes indeed. They'll pay us for a spacewalk near Ike.
The Director: They're mocking us.
Gene: They're not mocking us.
The Director: Nope, that's what this is. An massive, elaborate and exceedingly expensive way to insult our capabilities.
Gene: Well, even if it is, are you going to refuse easy money?
The Director: HERESY!
Gene: That's what I thought.
----------------------------------------------------------
-
----------------------------------------------------------
Episode 14: Duna Superstation
(Part 1: Launching the Payload)
----------------------------------------------------------
SpoilerThat night, at the Homecoming afterparty, Mortimer Kerman approached Gene.
Mortimer: Hey Gene, sorry to bring this up at a party, but there's something I'd like to discuss with you.
Gene: Don't tell me, let me guess. He's built a 10 million dollar monstrosity and we're now in a massive amount of debt?
Mortimer: No no my friend, it's not about him. Though I fully expect that to happen at some point. No, this is about the former director.
Gene: [wistfully] She was always really careful with the budget.
Mortimer: That's why this is strange. I was looking over our accounting records and the numbers don't add up. The rescue contracts we took, the craft we built... we should have had more than 2 and half million in funds when she quit.
Gene: What? No, that doesn't make sense. We only had about 600 thousand when the new director came in, I'm sure of it.
Mortimer: I'm trying to put this tactfully, Gene, but frankly it looks like she vanished without a trace and took about 2 million in funds with her.
Gene: Are you saying she stole the money and ran?
Mortimer: I'm just saying she and the money disappeared at the same time.
Gene: No. No! That's... absolutely not! I refuse to believe it! The director wasn't that sort of person!
Mortimer: I just thought you should know before I pass this on to the authorities. I'll... leave you to enjoy the party now.
Gene stared hopelessly as Mortimer waddled off, his mind trying to reconcile his admiration with this revelation.
----------------------------------------------------------
[The next morning]
Gene: Alright, let's talk. The next world first contract is to rendezvous two craft in orbit of Duna and go on a spacewalk.
The Director: Wow. That's a massive waste of a transfer window. Bob already did the spacewalk anway.
Gene: [looks over at the Director] ... okay, I'm going to regret pointing this out, but the mission doesn't specify that we have to return to Kerbin.
The Director: Oh sweet, not having to return will save a ton of delta-V!
Gene: Not what I meant! What I'm saying is, once we achieve this, the World First Society will undoubtedly have other contracts for us in the Duna system. Understand?
The Director: Oh. Ooooh. So we should arrive prepared to do a bunch of other things in the Duna system, yah?
Gene: Precisely.
The Director: Sweet! Are there any other contracts on or near Duna?
Gene: A few, actually.
The Director: Oi! Mission Control Mook! Accept as many of those as you can between now and the next Duna transfer window!
Mission Control Mook: Yes sir!
Gene: What? No! Belay that order!
The Director: Belay that belaying! Timewarp!
Gene: No st-
----------------------------------------------------------
[Gene is abruptly interrupted by a stop-start series of 3-day timewarps]
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: So? How'd we do?
Gene: Oh no. No no noooooo...
The Director: Ooh, look at all that contracty goodness. And our funds counter went up by two million from all the advances.
Gene: This is going to turn into an absolutely obscene mission, isn't it?
The Director: I hope so! Let's go through the list and see what we've got to work with here...
----------------------------------------------------------
Mission Goals!
Space
- Leave a communications Satellite in Duna Space
- Two tourists - Orbit Duna and fly by Ike
- Rendezvous two ships
- Transmit science report
Duna
- Extract 2,300 ore from Duna and deliver to Ike
- Scan a Duna Stone
- Bring a Duna Stone back with you
- Transmit science report
Ike
- Extract 600 ore from Ike and deliver it to Duna
- Deploy Surface Experiments
- Plant Flag
- Bring Duna Ejecta back with you
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Wait, Moving Parts Experts Group wants us to deliver ore from Ike to Duna.
Gene: Yes, so?
The Director: But Periapsis Rocket Supplies wants us to deliver ore from Duna to Ike.
Gene: That's what the clients want, yes.
The Director: ... but that's dumb.
Gene: [momentarily rendered speechless by sheer hypocrisy]
The Director: But I guess it's fine so long as we get paid. I think we can do all that.
Gene: ... for once, I agree. Getting a payload of ore from Duna to Ike is likely to be the most challenging item there. And the need to rendezvous means we'll have two separate launches to work with. This should be well within our budget.
The Director: I know. It's actually kind of disappointing...
Mission Control Mook: Hey, boss? We just got one last Duna mission come in. Should we accept it?
Gene: No-
The Director: YES!
Mission Control Mook: Okay, that's done. We've accepted it. Here are the details...
Gene: Oh no.
The Director: Yas. Yaaasssssss! Gene, I'll be in the VAB if you need me!
Gene: This... this is going to be bad.
----------------------------------------------------------
Additional Mission Goal!
-
Establish an orbital base around Duna.
- Base must have antenna, docking port, and can generate power.
- Base must support 15 kerbals, incl. 3 engineers.
- Base must have a viewing cupola.
- Base must have a hydoponics lab.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Gene! Geeeene! Come quick! I'm really proud of this one.
Gene: [steels himself for the worst]
Gene: [dry heaves in alarm at the sight of it]
The Director: Oh, sorry, it's clipping into the roof a bit. Hang on, I'll get it out on the launch pad for a better view.
Gene: What?
The Director: There we go.
Gene: When did you... no, more importantly, how? A second ago it was jammed into the rafters! I'm pretty sure there were structural beams going through it!
The Director: Don't stress the details. So? What do you think?
Gene: ... why does it have an egg-sack in the middle like some sort of horrible pregnant-spider rocket?
The Director: Horrible pregnant-spider rocket! See, that's why I get you to critique these designs, Gene, you give me idea's. But anyway, what you're looking at there is our new re-usable interplanetary tug. I haven't named it yet.
Gene: Don't we have one of those in orbit already?
The Director: Yes, but this one's bigger and not empty.
Gene: Right. [stares] Those little boosters on the side are Rockomax parts, aren't they? To think, I used to think they were big.
The Director: And I saved you from that terrible fate. Be grateful.
Gene: To you? Never. Anyway, we should get back inside before someone accidentally launches it and covers us in exhaust smoke.
The Director: ... uh oh.
Gene: What?
The Director: *cough* *cough* I may have *cough* started the countdown *cough* before I came out. *cough* *cough*
Gene: *cough* *cough* *cough* I hate you! I hate you *cough* *cough* so much! *cough* *cough* *cough*
----------------------------------------------------------
OOC: I slowed down the craft to 200 m/s until I got out of the lower atmosphere because the game lags like hell if I trigger the atmospheric drag effects. There are a lot of parts under that fairing, so I've got no-one to blame but myself.
Otherwise, the ascent was fairly standard. One of my better gravity turns, actually.
Gene: Credit where it's due, once you get over the weird egg thing in the middle, it's actually a decent looking rocket. I guess it's kind of hard to screw up a fairing.
The Director: Here we go, the unveiling! Blowing the fairings.
The Director: Extending the solar panels!
Gene: Oh god what.
The Director: And the lights!
Gene: OH GOD WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO-
The Director: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
----------------------------------------------------------
Uvhash, The Blood-Mad God of the Void
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: ...
The Director: ... red makes it go faster.
Gene: It. is. An abomination! How is Walt supposed to share pictures of this with the media? They'll think we're being invaded by aliens!
The Director: Who's Walt?
Gene: Head of public relations? The one with the stubble? How have you gotten this far without knowing who Walt is?
The Director: Still not ringing any bells, sorry.
Gene: [sigh] The guy in the hazmat suit.
The Director: [Snaps fingers] Right! The one who gave me that non-canonical pamphlet about the Giant Robotic Death Spiders from Duna.
Gene: For the record, that's not true. There are no giant robot spiders on Duna.
The Director: Yet.
Gene: [narrows eyes]... don't you dare, you'll give the poor man a heart attack.
The Director: No promises are made!
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Anyway, I'm going to try and recover the upper booster stage. Those super-ratite engines are expensive!
Gene: Didn't you use two of them as disposable boosters on this very rocket?
The Director: Irrelevant!
Gene: Should I even mention that your airbrakes are disintegrating?
The Director: Happens all the time.
Gene: Thought so. What about the fact that you're coming in way too fast?
The Director: I can just burn retrograde.
Gene: With a rocket that's currently flipping end over end?
The Director: It'll be fine once the drogue chutes deploy.
Gene: They just did. Doesn't look fine. Also, you're going to land in the lake.
The Director: Oh crap, those things aren't waterproof probably!
The Director: Wait, no, it's still fine! We overshot the lake.
Gene: Because you're still coming in too fast. And facing the wrong way.
The Director: Shut up Gene! We just need the chute's to- THERE THEY GO! Throttlling up!
The Director: Whew! See Gene? Perfect landing.
Gene: Why do you stress out more about landing a random booster than actual Kerbal lives?
The Director: Well obviously because I had to babysit this thing all the way down through the atmosphere to keep it from overheating. Returning kerbals have heat shields.
Gene: Sure. But I notice that your 'perfect landing' is nearly 600 km from here...
The Director: Details.
Gene: And it's sliding down the hill.
The Director: Oh crap! Recover! Recover!
The Director: There! 181,010 funds. Am I great or what?
Gene: You spent 12 times that amount on this launch alone.
The Director: I'll take that as a yes.
-
On 8/21/2020 at 7:55 AM, jimmymcgoochie said:
KSP mod's are pretty straightfoward and easy to understand once you open them up. I wanted a more powerful RCS block, but the most powerful ones in my mod set ran on monoprop, which didn't make sense to me given that Vernor engines exist. So I went to C:\Program Files (x86)\Steam\steamapps\common\Kerbal Space Program\GameData\SpaceY-Lifters\Parts\RCS-OMS, took a copy of the SYoms2 parts and renamed them to SYomsLFO2, then messed around in SYomsLFO2.cfg until I got what I wanted.
Here's the file (note that it also needs Kerbal Atomics installed, 'cause it gets the nuclear plumes from there):
SpoilerPART
{// --- general parameters ---
name = SYomsLFO2
module = Part
author = NecroBones (crappy modifications done by Quasar)// --- asset parameters ---
MODEL
{
model = SpaceY-Lifters/Parts/RCS-OMS/SYoms2
scale = 1.0, 1.0, 1.0
}
scale = 1.0
rescaleFactor = 1.0// --- node definitions ---
// definition format is Position X, Position Y, Position Z, Up X, Up Y, Up Z
node_attach = 0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 1.0, 0.0, 0.0, 1
node_stack_bottom = 0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 1.0, 0.0, 0.0, 1//fx_exhaustFlame_white_tiny = 0.0, -0.6, 0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 0.0, running
//sound_vent_medium = engage
//sound_rocket_mini = running
//sound_vent_soft = disengage
//sound_explosion_low = flameout// --- editor parameters ---
TechRequired = specializedControl
entryCost = 6000
cost = 6000
category = Control
subcategory = 0
title = SpaceY "Super Dibamus" RCS/OMS Thrust Block LFO Edition
manufacturer = SpaceY Technologies Corporation
description = A SpaceY "Super Dibamus" RCS thingy that we jury-rigged to run on Liquid Fuel and Oxidizer. Twice the price because duct tape doesn't grow on trees.tags = spacey cluster control dock maneuver manoeuvre react rendezvous rotate stab steer translate orbital probe propuls thruster
// attachment rules: stack, srfAttach, allowStack, allowSrfAttach, allowCollision
attachRules = 1,1,0,0,1// --- standard part parameters ---
mass = 0.625
dragModelType = default
maximum_drag = 0.001
minimum_drag = 0.001
angularDrag = 2
crashTolerance = 15
maxTemp = 2000
bulkheadProfiles = size1, srf
heatConductivity = 0.06 // half default
skinInternalConductionMult = 4.0
emissiveConstant = 0.8 // engine nozzles are good at radiating.//PhysicsSignificance = 1
// --- rcs module parameters ---
MODULE
{
name = ModuleRCSFX
stagingEnabled = False
thrusterTransformName = RCSthruster
thrusterPower = 10
resourceName = MonoPropellant
resourceFlowMode = STAGE_PRIORITY_FLOW
runningEffectName = running
atmosphereCurve
{
key = 0 240
key = 1 220
key = 4 0.001
}
PROPELLANT
{
name = LiquidFuel
ratio = 0.9
DrawGauge = True
resourceFlowMode = STAGE_PRIORITY_FLOW
}
PROPELLANT
{
name = Oxidizer
ratio = 1.1
resourceFlowMode = STAGE_PRIORITY_FLOW
}
}EFFECTS
{
running
{
AUDIO_MULTI_POOL
{
channel = Ship
transformName = RCSthruster
clip = sound_rocket_mini
volume = 0.0 0.0
volume = 0.1 0.0
volume = 0.5 0.025
volume = 1.0 0.15
pitch = 0.0 0.75
pitch = 1.0 1.0
loop = true
}
MODEL_MULTI_PARTICLE
{
name = plume1
modelName = NearFutureLaunchVehicles/FX/nflv-fx-rcs-lfo-plume-1
transformName = RCSthruster
emission = 0.0 0.0
emission = 0.1 0.0
emission = 1.0 1.0
speed = 0.0 0.8
speed = 1.0 1.0
localRotation = -90, 0, 0
}
MODEL_MULTI_PARTICLE
{
name = plume2
modelName = NearFutureLaunchVehicles/FX/nflv-fx-rcs-lfo-plume-1
transformName = RCSthruster
emission = 0.0 0.0
emission = 0.1 0.0
emission = 1.0 1.0
speed = 0.0 0.8
speed = 1.0 1.0
localRotation = -90, 0, 0
}
MODEL_MULTI_PARTICLE
{
name = plume
modelName =KerbalAtomics/FX/fx-sc-lh2-0625-plume
transformName = RCSthruster
emission = 0.0 0.0
emission = 0.01 0.1
emission = 0.075 0.25
emission = 1.0 1.0
speed = 0.0 0.35
speed = 1.0 1.0
localRotation = -90, 0, 0
}
}
running_closed
{
AUDIO
{
channel = Ship
transformName = thrustTransform
clip = sound_rocket_mini
volume = 0.0 0.0
volume = 1.0 1.0
pitch = 0.0 0.2
pitch = 1.0 0.8
loop = true
}
MODEL_MULTI_PARTICLE
{
modelName = Squad/FX/Monoprop_small
transformName = thrustTransform
emission = 0.0 0.0
emission = 0.05 0.0
emission = 0.075 0.25
emission = 1.0 2.0
speed = 0.0 0.5
speed = 1.0 2.0
}
}
engage
{
AUDIO
{
channel = Ship
transformName = thrustTransform
clip = sound_vent_soft
volume = 1.0
pitch = 3.0
loop = false
}
}
flameout
{
PREFAB_PARTICLE
{
prefabName = fx_exhaustSparks_flameout_2
transformName = thrustTransform
oneShot = true
}
AUDIO
{
channel = Ship
clip = sound_explosion_low
volume = 1.0
pitch = 3.0
loop = false
}
}
}
MODULE
{
name = ModuleSurfaceFX
thrustProviderModuleIndex = 0
fxMax = 0.1
maxDistance = 8
falloff = 1.8
thrustTransformName = thrustTransform
}
MODULE
{
name = ModuleEnginesFX
thrustVectorTransformName = thrustTransform
runningEffectName = running_closed
engineID = SYOMS
exhaustDamage = False
ignitionThreshold = 0.1
minThrust = 0
maxThrust = 162.5
heatProduction = 30
fxOffset = 0, 0, 0.02
EngineType = MonoProp
PROPELLANT
{
name = LiquidFuel
ratio = 0.9
DrawGauge = True
resourceFlowMode = STAGE_PRIORITY_FLOW
}
PROPELLANT
{
name = Oxidizer
ratio = 1.1
resourceFlowMode = STAGE_PRIORITY_FLOW
}
atmosphereCurve
{
key = 0 240
key = 1 120
key = 4 0.001
}
}
}----------------------------------------------------------
Epsiode 13: Coming Home Party
----------------------------------------------------------
SpoilerThe Director: Okay. One last bit of housekeeping before the Duna transfer window. We currently have a few Kerbals in space. It's time to bring everyone home.
Gene: Everyone? You're finally bringing Jeb back from the Mun?
The Director: Lanrim is the one I stranded on the Mun.
Gene: ...you also stranded Jebediah. Jebediah Kerman?
The Director: Nope, not ringing any bells. Anyway! This'll be an easy mission. Gotta get Lanrim back from the Mun, Grafry and Kathner back from Minmus (and deliver a command pod), and Linley back from the Yihdra in Kerbin orbit.
Gene: And Jebediah.
The Director: Your imaginary friend has a funny name, Gene!
Gene: They'll never find your body.
The Director: What?
Gene: Nothing!
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Linley first! Linley, ya' there?
Linley: [via radio] Hey, idiot.
The Director: Haha, you're such a joker. Anyway, we were planning on coming to get you.
Linley: Oh, sweet! You have no idea how stuffy the air in here is getting.
The Director: But then I thought, why not just de-orbit the Yihdra and have you jump out the airlock and parachute to the ground?
Gene: That sounds like a terrible idea.
Linley: What he said. Also, we couldn't do it even if we wanted to. Not enough delta-V left, sorry.
The Director: Dang. Alright, no worries, I'll include a rendezvous with you in the road trip! See you soon!
Linley: I look forward to a hot shower and some decent snacks.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: I just noticed, this is just like the space program's first mission. A multi-kerbal trip to the Mun, and Minmus.
Gene: No, this is like your first mission. We had a director before you, remember?
The Director: Oh yeah, that's right. The one that disappeared. Good thing, too, otherwise you'd still be doing crappy little jaunts to orbit and back!
Gene: [grit's teeth] Sir, that's going too far. She was the most competent director this space program has ever had.
The Director: 'cept me, of course!
Gene: No. Sir. Very much including you.
The Director: Hrmph.
Gene: I would at least like to find out what happened to the former director one day. It's... [thoughtful pause]... out of character for her like to quit without warning like that.
The Director: Who knows? It's a mystery! Anyway, let's go get those Kerbals.
Gene: Very well, sir. But before you put together something stupid, can I have you take a look at this?
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: What... is it?
Gene: It's a rocket, sir.
The Director: I disagree. A rocket is taller. And has boosters. And enormous payloads. And costs way more than that. This is more like a firework. Possibly some sort of cigarette lighter.
Gene: This is one of the last rockets the former director designed. It should be both Mun and Minmus-capable. I was thinking we could make use of it for this mission, but we'll need a bit more delta-V if we want to pick up Linley on the way.
The Director: Well! You've come to the right place! I am an expert on the subject of more delta-V.
Gene: You put the rocket on top of a slightly bigger rocket. Your expertise astounds me.
The Director: Thank you I am a goddamn genius let's gooooo!
The Director: Gotta do a westerly gravity burn to meet up with Linley.
Gene: And that's orbit.
The Director: I'm going to keep burning to reach Lin's parking orbit.
Gene: No objections from me.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Alright, we're at apoapsis.
Gene: Flip around and slow down a little before detaching the upper stage so it can de-orbit.
The Director: I know, I know, geez. What do you take me for, an amateur?
Gene: That would be a step up, sir.
Linley: Whoo! There you are! I've been waiting!
The Director: And you'll be waiting a while longer, 'cos we're taking the long route to Minmus to save on delta-V.
Linley: Aww.
The Director: It's your own fault for circularizing in a westerly orbit and you know it.
Linley: ... fair.
----------------------------------------------------------
[47 days later]
----------------------------------------------------------
Linley: Hey, Grafry! Look up!
Grafry: [low whistle]
Grafry: Lin, it's gonna take me a while to get there. I don't have any EVA fuel left. And for some reason when I try to run all the ships in the area throttle up? It's really weird.
The Director: Sorry about that Grafry, that's my bad. I
installed the Persistent Thrust modsummoned an Elder God for unbridled power and it broke reality.Everyone: [confused silence]
The Director: Look, it's not easy coming up with in-universe explanations every time the game bugs out!
Everyone: [embarrassed silence]
The Director: ...
----------------------------------------------------------
F9
----------------------------------------------------------
Grafry: ... It's really weird.
The Director: That is definitely not my fault and I'll uninstall it pronto.
Grafry: ... what?
The Director: HERE I'LL HELP YOU GET ON BOARD!
Grafry: Oh. Thanks.
The Director: WHERE'S KATHNER?!
Grafry: Oh! Uh... well, funny story...
Gene: She just stepped out to explore the salt flats. I'm sure she'll be back soon.
The Director: Oh. Good.
The Director: By the way Gene, this lander of yours is terrible.
Gene: That's because you weren't supposed to land the upper stage! You were supposed to detach it.
The Director: Like this?
Gene: Well that was a waste of delta-V.
The Director: I'm sure it won't come back to bite us. Hey, Grafry, lander cans weigh less than 1t! Let's attach it to the mining rig as a control room!
Grafry: Sure!
Grafry: Boop!
Linley: Alright, can we get going? I really want to get back to Kerbin.
Kathner: Me too! Minmus doesn't taste nice.
Grafry: Alright, let's go!
The Director: Ooh, look at that. Welp, I'm not going pass up a perfect transfer window. Linley, burn now!
The Director: Alright! One more!
Gene: Wait. Hold up.
The Director: Mmm?
Gene: Delta-V
The Director: What about... oh. Ooooh.
Gene: Yeah. If they land, they're not coming back to orbit, let alone make it back to Kerbin.
The Director: Eh, they've got RCS.
Gene: Not that much. Sorry, I don't think you can get Jebediah back on this trip.
The Director: I take that as a challenge! LANRIM!
Jebediah: [via radio] Oh! Hello director! This is an unexpected surp-
The Director: Shut up I wasn't talking to you, Jebediah! Lanrim! Answer!
Gene: I knew it!
Lanrim: [via radio] Greetings, Director! Glad to hear from you. Could I perhaps trouble you to PLEASE LET ME COME HOME I'VE BEEN HERE WITH JEBEDIAH FOR 18 YEARS OH GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!
The Director: You're coming home but you need to EVA onto a polar trajectory right now!
Lanrim: DONE!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9 F9...
----------------------------------------------------------
Lanrim: Wassup guys.
Kathner: Wassup Lanrim.
The Director: See? Perfect maneuver. Definitely didn't get everyone killed multiple times in dozens of alternate timelines. Valentina taught me that trick!
Gene: [Hyperventilating in a corner]
The Director: Gene? Oi, Gene! I need your math.
Gene: [Deep breaths]... okay. I'm okay. Please never do that again.
The Director: Hahaha no.
Gene: [sigh] ... what do you need, sir?
The Director: 427m/s. Is that enough to get them back?
Gene: From a polar munar orbit? It should suffice. Just wait for the orbit to line up with the munar retrograde direction-
The Director: Nah, transfer windows are boring. Can I do it now with a gravity assist?
Gene: Why don't you ever make anything easy? ... Let's see... 3 burns and a gravity assist to get them back to the atmosphere... yes. They'll make it. Barely.
The Director: Sweet! Course plotted, let's go!
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: This is bad! They're coming in too fast! We've got overheating across the board!
The Director: Relax, Gene. Nothing's exploded yet.
Gene: Something just exploded!
The Director: That's just the solar panels being scraped off.
Gene: Something else exploded!
The Director: RCS blocks. We don't need them anymore anyway.
Gene: And another thing!
The Director: Landing legs, probably.
Gene: Why are there so many explosions?!
The Director: ... okay, I have no idea what that one was.
Gene: Why are you so bad at re-entries?!
The Director: Can't be too bad, they're alive aren't they? There goes the chute. They'll be splashing down just off the shore soon.
The Director: Mission accomplished! Everyone's back on Kerbin ready for the big Duna mission in 1 year!
Gene: Uh, that's not...
The Director: EVERYONE.
-
----------------------------------------------------------
Episode 12: Mining Minmus More Massivelier
(Part 2: To Minmus!)
----------------------------------------------------------
SpoilerThe Director: Alright, I'm sending a refueler up for it. It's kinda ramshackle, but it'll do.
Gene: Let me guess, it's ramshackle because it's semi-affordable and looks almost like an actual rocket?
The Director: Nah, mainly because someone forgot to paint the bottom boosters.
Gene: I'm pretty sure they're meant to be black.
The Director: Wait, boosters come in black? This changes everything!
Gene: So... back when you specified that those custom RCS blocks weren't radioactive...
The Director: Don't worry, they definitely aren't.
Gene: If that's the case, why do I see nuclear plumes coming out of them?
The Director: That's just your imagination.
Gene: ...no. No it isn't.
The Director: That's the fuel sent over and the refueler on a sub-orbital trajectory.
Gene: How much delta-V do we have?
The Director: We've about doubled it. 1450 m/s, give or take.
Gene: That's cutting it a bit fine with the way you drive. Let's wait a few days for a transfer window instead of just burning to Minmus now like an idiot.
----------------------------------------------------------
[10 days later]
----------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------
[11 days after that]
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: I'm not sure about those landing legs. They seem a bit... vertical for such a top heavy craft.
The Director: My options were limited.
Gene: Also, the landing spot looks a little... slopey.
The Director: Our options are limited!
Gene: You still have some delta-V, you could adjust...
The Director: I'm not used to having so little fuel, okay?!
[ship bounces and tips over]
Gene: Oh god.
The Director: Compensating! COMPENSATING!
[ship tips back and bounces again]
Gene: You've got this!
The Director: I don't got this! Abort! Abort!
Gene: Don't you dare!
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Landed it.
Gene: I noticed.
The Director: We'll stay a few hours to generate some fuel and then hop over to the lesser flats where the ore concentration is higher.
Gene: A few hours, huh?
The Director: What? What's wrong?
----------------------------------------------------------
[32 days later]
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Uuuuurrrgh...
Gene: If you wanted fast ore extraction, why didn't you include a crew compartment for an engineer to monitor the equipment?
The Director: [laughs in angry kerbal] HahahaShutUpGene we're moving now.
The Director: Kinda wish I hadn't had Grafry blow up the base. It's hard to appreciate just how dang big it is.
Gene: The only thing bigger is the amount of time you're gonna be waiting for it to fuel up.
The Director: Okay, that's it! I'll get Grafry and Kathner to pull the old base apart and duct tape it's command module to it! Yeah, there's two of them, that'll work!
Gene: [innocently] But you blew that up, remember? It's definitely not hiding just over the horizon or anything.
The Director: [extended pause]... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
-
----------------------------------------------------------
Episode 12: Mining Minmus More Massivelier
(Part 1: Blowing up the old base)
----------------------------------------------------------
SpoilerGene: Well, we've still got time before the next Duna Transfer window. We should probably plan ahead, do some housekeeping in the Kerbin system, and double-test and triple-test any craft we build.
The Director: You're completely right! Grafry's in Minmus orbit, right? Grafry! Come in Grafry!
Grafry: [via radio] Yeah, boss?
The Director: Go down and blow up Lexur'iga base!
Grafry: Sweet!
Gene: WHAT?! No, stop! Grafry, do not do that!
Grafry: Aww.
Gene: Director, why do you want to blow up the base?
The Director: 'cos I built a new one.
Gene: Okay. Where to start. Firstly, this is entirely redundant. You already put a refueler and a mining base on Minmus.
The Director: Yeah, but this is a two-in one. No need to land and dock to refuel, just land anywhere! Also, the part count on that thing, what was I thinking...
Gene: Secondly, you complained extensively about the maneuverability of the refueler. This is bigger. It will be worse.
The Director: Nope! That's what the way-too-many vernor engines are for.
Gene: Weren't you just complaining about part count?
The Director: Hmm. Actually, you have a point there.
Gene: Thirdly, the design. What were you thinking? Or is that making too many assumptions?
The Director: [stares at the mining station] ... you know what? You're right. The design is terrible.
Gene: Thank you.
The Director: I mean, blue lights? On a mining rig?
Gene: Uh.
The Director: And the vernor engine spam! And the size!
Gene: Yes! The size! That's what I want you to change!
The Director: I mean, I just
downloaded Near-Future Launch Vehiclesspoke with R&D, and they say they the Post-Kerbin Mining Corporation is sending us 7.5 meter parts now! What was I thinking?! [rushes off]Gene: Oh no.
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: [stares in abject horror]
The Director: I was thinking of naming this one Yomagn'tho, The Feaster from the Stars.
Gene: *slight whimpering*
The Director: Oh, check this out too! Those aren't normal Space-Y RCS blocks. I jury-rigged them to run on Liquid Fuel and Oxidizer.
Gene: ...
The Director: Don't worry, they very rarely explode.
Gene: ...
The Director: Okay, I admit, they explode all the time. Violently. They're definitely not radioactive, though!
Gene: ...
The Director: I feel like I'm doing all the work in this conversation for some reason. Gene? You okay?
Gene: ... I think I understand why you chose Lovekraft references as the naming scheme now.
The Director: Mostly it's cause I find cosmic horror hilarious.
Gene: Please, for the love of sanity, please don't put this on a launch vehicle.
The Director: Sanity broke.
Gene: Understandable, have a nice day.
----------------------------------------------------------
[meanwhile, on Minmus, Kathner is reversing the refueler towards Lexur'iga base]
Grafry: Huh. The director said I should blow up the base. But Gene said I shouldn't. Kathner, what do I do?
Kathner: Cartoons taught me you should always follow your dreams.
Grafry: Good enough for me! I'll go and get the C4-
[DISTANT BOOM]
Grafry: Did... did it explode on it's own?
Kathner: Ooh. Confetti.
Grafry: .... but I wasn't looking!
Kathner: Pretty.
Grafry: I'm going to get blamed for this and I didn't even get to see it explode! That's not fair!
----------------------------------------------------------
OOC: This actually happened. I was already planning to blow the mining base up, but upon arrival the Kraken beat me to it. I knew the thing had some minor phantom forces, but I certainly wasn't expecting an attack.
Oh well. This works out. Time to eliminate some debris.
----------------------------------------------------------
Kathner: I'm just going to relocate the old science base further to the north.
Grafry: Aww, I was gonna blow it up too.
Kathner: Sorry Graf, Gene's orders. "If that idiot tells Grafry to blow up the base, hide it over the horizon so she can't find it" is what he said.
Grafry: ...
Kathner: Wait, I probably wasn't supposed to tell you that.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Okay, ready!
Gene: Three and a half million funds... for this.
The Director: Worth every penny.
The Director: Here we go!
The Director: I made orbit! I call that a success.
Gene: Telemetry says you have 885 m/s delta-V. That's not going to be enough to reach Minmus. We'll have to do a refueling mission.
The Director: Don't care. Still a success.
-
----------------------------------------------------------
Episode 11: Babies First Manned Duna Mission
----------------------------------------------------------
SpoilerGene: [silence]
The Director: Well? Are you proud of me?
Gene: Is this retribution for the charter thing? Some sort of protest action?
The Director: Of course not! I'm doing what you said. One Kerbal, orbit and return, no shenanigans. I even took your advice!
Gene: Advice? What advice?
The Director: You wanted me to use smaller boosters, remember?
Gene: This is sooo not what I had in mind.
The Director: Well now you're just being picky.
Gene: I hate you. I hate you so much.
The Director: Launching now!
The Director: I should become a photographer. That's a really good shot!
Gene: Yes, you should. Do it. Follow your dream.
The Director: Nah.
Gene: Didn't think so. God forbid you make me happy.
The Director: Oh hey, the outer boosters are out of fuel. Time to stage!
Gene: No wait the boosters are still- !
Gene: ... firing.
The Director: I've changed my mind. Small boosters are awesome.
Gene: That's it! Getting the charter out again!
The Director: Relax! Bob's fine. Sit down. I'm performing the gravity turn.
Gene: Bob's the pilot? How'd you convince him to get on board that abomination?
The Director: I didn't. Valentina jumped him and duct-taped him to the chair.
Gene: That sounds.... accurate. Uh... you should watch your gravity turn. It's kind of shallow.
The Director: it's fine.
Gene: No, it's very shallow. It's going to overheat. Oh god, he's going to burn!
The Director: This is fine. Cutting the engines now, see?
The Director: See? Made orbit. I'm a professional!
Gene: That is an unforgivable insult to professionals everywhere. You realise your hydrogen is going to evaporate whenever the craft loses power because it is behind Kerbin, right?
The Director: ... oh. I guess we'll see what happens after the timewarp, then. Anyone got some snacks?
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene was uncomfortable with the loss of 30% of our fuel, but we still had plenty of dV for the trip to Duna and back.
Arriving at Duna, the side engines were detached on a collision course with the red planet. By detatching them pro- and retro-grade we were able to ensure they weren't thrown off course by the decouplers.
Bob grabbed some science as the ship swung by Duna and Ike before circularizing outside Ike's orbit to avoid being thrown out into a solar orbit by the Evil Moon's massive SoI. This also keeps the ship away from Duna's shadow, keeping our hydrogen from boiling off due to lack of power.
And so, Bob settled in to wait for the next transfer window. The old-fashioned Mk1 pod wasn't hugely comfortable, but it was peaceful and safe, and as he slowly slipped into a boredom-induced coma, Bob ruminated that deep space was truly the happiest place to be.
----------------------------------------------------------
[One long wait for a transfer window later]
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Alright, let's go home! [fires up the engines]
Bob: Aaaaaargh, space krakens! SPACE KRAKENS EVERYWHERE!
The Director: Whoops, I think I woke him up. He's talking nonsense. Anyway, going to lower the orbit now to take advantage of the Oberth effect.
Gene: That'll put your ejection burn on the dark side of the planet.
The Director: Urgh, again? This mission is nothing but dark-side burns. How am I supposed to get good screenshots of this?
Gene: ... just ignore it, Gene.
Arriving back at Kerbin...
Gene: You're coming in pretty steep.
The Director: Gonna do another suicide burn, like I did with Eve.
Gene: Sure. It worked last time. But it's yet another dark-side burn.
The Director: Uuuuurrgh.
The Director: Detatching the interplanetary stage! Get ready for the fireworks!
Gene: I hope that doesn't hit anyone's house...
Bob: AAAAAAAAAAAA-
The Director: Huh. You'd think he'd be used to it by now.
The Director: Too easy! So, what's next?
-
----------------------------------------------------------
Episode 10: Duna Comm-Network
----------------------------------------------------------
SpoilerThe Director: That went well. I wonder if we could do a manned mission to the bottom of Laythe's oceans...
Gene: [snap] THAT'S IT! NO MORE! I AM OFFICIALLY INVOKING OUR ORGANISATIONAL CHARTER!
The Director: We have a charter?
Gene: Yes, and it states that mission control has the right to veto any launch that doesn't meet our organisations standards!
The Director: And you haven't used it yet? Those standards must be terrible.
Gene: They are! But since you've never read them, you have no basis to refuse me.
The Director: Pah! You think your pitiful loophole can defeat me? All I need to do is read the charter!
Gene: It's 2200 pages long and really boring.
The Director: Curses! Foiled again!
Gene: Buuuut, if you can prove to me that you are capable of running an actual space mission, I'll consider re-instating your crewed mission privileges.
The Director: Fine, then. You win. What do I need to do?
Gene: Really? Oh, wow. I wasn't actually expecting that.
The Director: Anything's better than reading that charter thing.
Gene: Alright! In that case, I'll ask you to deploy a comm-sat network around Duna. Something with reasonable coverage, so that we can send a few unmanned science missions without running into the same problems we saw with the Miniplane on Eve. 6 probes would be ideal.
The Director: 6 probes? I can do that.
Gene: I'll be scoring you on this mission. Do well and I'll let you run crewed missions again.
The Director: Alright then. I will meet you in the VAB.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Alright, here's your crappy lil' probe rocket.
Gene: Are you up to something? That seems like an... excessive amount of delta-V for a trip to Duna.
The Director: No it's what you asked for. 6 probes and a delivery system, just like you said.
Gene: ... so remove the Freya boosters. I'm pretty sure you can get away with it..
The Director: *gasp* B- b- b- but- *sobs*
Gene: ... are you... crying? Okay, fine, stop, geez! Keep the Freya boosters.
The Director: Yey!
Gene: Those things are insane.
The Director: They're the best boosters around, nothing's ever gonna keep them down.
Gene: Smaller boosters have a place in rocket science too, you know.
The Director: I suppose that's true, actually.
Gene: Yes! If you carefully calculate the amount of Delta-V you'll need...
The Director: No, I meant 'cause you can fit them in between the big boosters.
Gene: ...
The Director: That's orbit.
The Director: Alright, I'm blowing the fairings on the motherships relay dish. It's on a hinge so we can unfold it for communication.
Gene: Okay. That makes sense, given the size of the dish.
The Director: Gotta remember to stow it for burns, though. Sticking it out like that leaves the whole ship a bit unbalanced.
Gene: Noted.
The Director: That's good design, right? It counts towards my score?
Gene: So long as you remember to follow your own rules and stow it for each burn, sure.
The Director: Alright, burning for Duna.
----------------------------------------------------------
[One trip to Duna later]
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: I'm releasing the main booster stage on approach to Duna. It'll crash. Keeping space clear of debris is good practice, right?
Gene: That is true, though I'm scoring you down for it still having half a tank of fuel left in it. You really should have gotten rid of those Freya boosters, you didn't need them.
The Director: I disagree, but I'll take your opinion on board.
Gene: Will you really, though?
The Director: ... no. No I won't. I'm sorry Gene, it's just that your opinions are kinda awful.
Gene: Scoring you down for that too.
The Director: Wait, no, forget I said anything! Uh... look, a distraction!
The Director: We're circularizing around Duna, see!
Gene: You forgot to stow the relay dish for this burn.
The Director: Goddammit! Whatever, I'm deploying the lower fairings.
Gene: Wait, those aren't relay satellites. What are those?
The Director: Mapping satellites for Duna and Ike. I'm multitasking! Besides, you didn't say all 6 probes had to be relays.
Gene: Fine, I'll grant you that. We'll get reduced coverage with only 4 relays, but getting some interplanetary mapping done is a victory. They're a lot bigger than the ones we deployed around the Kerbin system, though.
The Director: I know, cool huh? They've got a full suite: Visual, radar, resource scanning, magnetron and gravioli experiments and biome mapping. Oh, and check out the unfolding sequence.
The Director: They've got a ton of delta-V, too. Ion engines are pretty great.
Gene: Expensive, though. You really didn't need 6 of them.
The Director: Yeah, but do you have any idea how long it'd take to get to a polar orbit otherwise?
Gene: I hate to admit it, but that's fair. Even I hate long burn times.
The Director: I know, right?
Gene: Because they're dangerous, not because they're boring! Longer burns mean more time for something to go wrong.
The Director: But also because they're boring, right?
Gene: No! Well... okay, maybe a little.
The Director: I knew it!
Gene: So, hang on. If the rear fairing were for those, then the other 4 relay probes...
The Director: In the forward cargo bays, yup. Here, I'll get them out.
Gene: Those relay dishes are a bit small, don't you think?
The Director: They're fine. They just need to call back to the mother-ship, or to another relay in the system.
Gene: So, basically what you're saying is that the whole network has a single point of failure. When Duna or Ike are between the mothership and Kerbin, the whole commnet goes down.
The Director: Well I would have stranded a pilot out there on the mothership, but someone wouldn't let me.
Gene: Marking you down for that comment too.
The Director: Argh! Fine, do what you want! I've got to get all these probes into position!
----------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Done! One communications network around Duna, plus two mapping satellites. And nothing went horribly
right, I mean wrong!
The Director: So? Gene? You're not going to make me read that bloody charter, are you?
Gene: ... [sigh]... okay, I'll admit you did... fine. I'll let you run a crewed mission to Duna-
The Director: Yes! Suck it, reality!
Gene: - but!
The Director: ... but?
Gene: But you're to follow the world first contract to the letter. One Kerbal, orbit and return. No shenanigans. Just get that record and come home.
The Director: ... very well, Gene Kerman. I shall see you in the VAB shortly.
Gene: Indeed. I shall see you there. Director.
[Gene and the Director both walk out of the room backwards, glaring at each other the whole time]
-
----------------------------------------------------------
Episode 9: Saving Samald, again. Also Johnuki.
(Part 2)
----------------------------------------------------------
SpoilerSamald, having spotted last nights fireworks, took the miniplane out to visit the
crashlanding site that morning. Luckily for her and Johnuki's chances of actually getting off Eve, everything looks to be intact.
The plan was for the miniplane to fly back and pick up Johnuki, but detaching the comm relay dish from the lander to save on weight was not without consequences. Without a kerbnet connection, the miniplane is no longer capable of autonomous flight.
Johnuki: A mere 1.4 kilometers is no obstacle for the great Johnuki, god of science, emperor of Eve! I shall walk!
Johnuki: Wait, no, I forgot the science!
Johnuki: Okay, got the science. Now we walk! Ooh, a weird rock!
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: What are you doing right now?
The Director: Hating the life decisions that lead me to this moment. Kerbals are not fast.
Gene: ...
The Director: Booooorrrred!
----------------------------------------------------------
Johnuki: Johnuki has arrived!!
Samald quickly showed Johnuki around the lander and got his help putting out the surface science she'd found in the lander's lockers, alongside a post-it note saying "set these up". They noted that the kit included an ionograph that wouldn't work in the atmosphere instead of a weather analyser, but set it up anyway to take the weight out of the lander.
The also discussed why the lander had a single rover wheel, as well as the philosophical meaning of the post-it note attached to it saying "test in flight plz".
After agreeing that everything was completed, Johnuki and Samald got under the fairing and prepared for the final launch.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: They ready for launch! Let's go!
Gene: Telemetry reporting fuel cells on! Propeller torque rising! Here we go! 3... 2... 1... Lift off!
The Director: Whoops! Retracting ladders...
The Director: Performing in-flight testing...
Gene: In-flight testing? What do you mean by... wait, is that a wheel?
The Director: You saw nothing! Ejecting unnecessary weight!
Gene: We're above the clouds. Atmosphere is thinning. I doubt the propellers can take us much higher.
The Director: Prepare to fire rockets!
Gene: Oh god I hope this works. You did test this one, right?
The Director: Yup!
Gene: And it works?
The Director: Eh, 50-50.
Gene: That's not reassuring!
The Director: Here we go! Firing rocket stage! Ejecting propellers!
Gene: [biting fingernails. Wait, Kerbals don't have fingernails. Biting fingers] We've got heat effects!
The Director: Dammit why is this atmosphere still so dang thick?!
Gene: Atmosphere thinning! They're just about to space!
The Director: That's only half way there! Still gotta get into orbit and rendevouz!
Gene: Don't screw this up!
The Director: I know! I don't want to do this again!
Gene: Also, they'd die.
The Director: Also that.
[tense silence... and then...]
Gene: Orbit! We have orbital velocity! Johnuki and Samald are officially off Eve!
Mission Control: [breaks into loud cheering]
Gene: [falls back into seat, breaking out into relieved laughter] We did it.
The Director: Sorry Gene. Not yet. Look at the orbits...
Gene: Oh. Does the interplanetary tug have enough delta-V to perform that inclination change?
The Director: Not if you want them to come back to Kerbin.
Gene: ...
The Director: But I have a plan! I'll use the last of the fuel in the lander to raise it's apoapsis and we'll perform the rendezvous at a higher altitude.
Gene: ... That'll ruin our ejection burn.
The Director: Not if we burn in the right direction. I think we're roughly lined up with the ejection angle we'll need.
Gene: Okay, do it.
Linley: John! Sam! Great to see you finally off of Eve!
Johnuki: Greetings, friend Linley!
Samald: [happy kerbal noises]
----------------------------------------------------------
Gene: Rendevouz successful. Plenty of d-V leftover. Should be able to bring them home as soon as the next transfer window arrives.
The Director: When's that?
Gene: One year, fifty-nine days.
The Director: Uuuuurrgh... [pulls out a snack]
----------------------------------------------------------
[One year, fifty-nine days later]
----------------------------------------------------------
Linley: Say goodbye to Eve, folks! Hope you got some happy memories there.
Samald: [one-finger salute]
Linley: Let's go home!
----------------------------------------------------------
[A bunch more days later]
----------------------------------------------------------
Linley: Circularizing now. Welcome back to Kerbin space, folks.
Gene: There's no parachutes on the lander. We'll have to send up a retrieval rocket like last time.
The Director: Yeah no screw that.
Gene: W- what are you doing?
The Director: Bringing them home.
Gene: You can't! That thing has no parachute's! It's not even rated for re-entry!
The Director: It'll be fine.
Gene: Oh no no no no, they're burning up!
The Director: Situation is nominal.
Gene: Situation does not look nominal!
The Director: This is fine.
Gene: Crap crap crap crap- they survived re-entry but now they're in a freefall!
The Director: Still fine. Samald should be doing the thing around about now.
Gene: What thing?
The Director: That thing.
Gene: They're still coming in too hot!
The Director: Oh. So they are. And I've got no control. Whoops.
Gene: Whoops? Whoops?!
The Director: Commence lithobraking in three- two- one-
----------------------------------------------------------
[One lithobraking-induced spontanious disassembly later]
----------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------
The Director: Mission Accomplished! Flawless victory!
Gene: [neurotic breakdown]
-
----------------------------------------------------------
Episode 9: Saving Samald, again. Also Johnuki.
(Part 1)
----------------------------------------------------------
SpoilerGene: What happened?! Are they okay? Are they dead?! Oh god, I can't reach them. Director? What on Kerbin just happened?!
The Director: Gimme a minute.
Gene: Sir, this is a crisis! We need you to focus right now!
The Director: Neeaaarly got it.
Gene: What are you doing?
The Director: Installing hyperedit for a few tests. Don't worry, I'll only use it for testing.
Gene: What are you-
The Director: Alright, that's done. Here we go, let's try that again.
.----------------------------------------------------------
F9
----------------------------------------------------------
Johnuki: Three!
Johnuki: Two!
Gene: Why are you frantically playing with the staging interface?
The Director: Nothing!
Johnuki: One!
Johnuki: Lift off!
Johnuki: ... lift off?
Gene: W- what's happening right now? It's not going anywhere. Is it caught on something? ... director? What do you know about this?
The Director: So, funny story. Y'know how Eve surface gravity is 1.7 times what Kerbin's is?
Gene: Yeeessssss... ?
The Director: I didn't. I thought it was 1.2. Maybe 1.4 at most.
Gene [long, awkward pause]
Gene: Are you telling me they don't have enough thrust to lift off?!
The Director: That may, in fact, be what I am telling you. Yes.
Gene: Didn't you do any math on this whatsoever?!
The Director: Hey, that lander has enough delta V to escape Kerbin's SOI vertically! I figured that'd be enough!
Gene: Apparently not!
The Director: Well I know that now!
Gene: [grit's teeth] Okay. What do we do, then? How are you going to fix this?
The Director: Well, originally I was just going to ship them a box of engines and have them install them.
Gene: But?
The Director: But it turns out vector engines are heavy. Also, I'm pretty sure we don't have enough fuel anyway.
Gene: Did you do any tests on this lander whatsoever?
The Director: It works on Kerbin!
Gene: It's not on Kerbin anymore!
Gene: So what's your plan?! So far, this whole mission has been an abject failure! You've done nothing except double the number of stranded Kerbals on Eve!
The Director: Well I mean, I did put Linley in low Eve orbit in an interplanetary tug...
Gene: That is not relevant right now.
The Director: I disagree, and I will show you why now. Ta da!
The Director: It's a new Eve lander!
Gene: It's nearly two million dollars in the form of a massive pile of garbage.
The Director: That too.
Gene: But.. [sigh]... we need to get them home. By any means necessary. Spend what you have to.
The Director: Well in that case, I'll strap on a few more 'Freya' boosters before we-
Gene: Just... launch it before I change my mind.
The Director: Already doin'!
Gene: I know hydrogen fuel isn't very dense, but that's still a pretty big interplanetary stage.
The Director: No, no. The central booster is the interplanetary stage. We're already burning for Eve.
Gene: Then what is all the hydrogen for?
The Director: Massive suicide burn.
Gene: Massive- are you planning on entering Eve's atmosphere vertically?
The Director: That's right. Makes it way easier to aim on the way in.
Gene: I'd call this nuts... but you have the delta-V for it. I'll allow it.
The Director: Silence, minion! The burn is starting. I must concentrate.
Gene: Starting? But... when did... what?
Gene: Oh crap! Re-entry in 5 seconds sir! Four! Three!
The Director: Detaching suicide burn engines! Inflating heat shields!
Gene: Cutting it a bit close, don't you think?
The Director: Just in time for the fireworks!
The Director: From here everything should be fine.
Gene: Was it really a good idea to land on the dark side of Eve without lights on the craft?
The Director: It's a parachute landing. Those are simple. It'll be fine, I'm sure.
Gene: Telemetry says the ship is oriented horizontally and spinning rapidly right now.
The Director: ... it'll be fine once the parachutes fully open, I'm sure.
Gene: And now it looks like the craft is descending too rapidly and the heat shields aren't coming away from it.
The Director: I can deal with that! Opening the landing gear.
Gene: Oh crap!
Gene: [stressed] It stopped descending. It stopped descending and nothing else exploded! Thank goodness. It's landed.
The Director: See? Told you everything would be fine. And we're even within sight of the original landing area, see?
Gene: It's dark. I don't see anything.
The Director: Oh, right. Give me a snack, would you?
Gene: Here.
The Director: See? Nailed it.
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-
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Episode 8: Saving Samald
(Part 1)
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SpoilerThe Director: So this is it.
Gene: It... uh... it looks ridiculous with that enormous payload and tiny lifting stage, and I dread to think what horrors you've hidden under that fairing!
The Director: Thank's for trying.
Gene: Come on, cheer up. So are you going to launch it now? For glory or something?
The Director: Yeah. Actually, yeah! For glory. In space! SPACE GLORY!
Gene: That's more like it.
Gene: That's... a remarkably shallow gravity turn.
The Director: Silly Gene, this isn't a gravity turn, this is the transfer to Minmus.
Gene: What? But you're still in the atmosphere! The fairings are going to overheat!
The Director: This way I can leave the lifter stage on a sub-orbital trajectory. No debris!
Gene: Why do you suddenly care about that?
The Director: I don't, I just thought it would be fun.
Gene: Oh god, what have I done?
Gene: Hold up, I thought you were going to use the Interplanetary Tug we used last time?
The Director: I am.
Gene: Then why does it have a liquid hydrogen interplanetary stage?
The Director: Oh, that's just for the trip out to Minmus.
Gene: ... but you just made it to Minmus entirely with the lifting stage...
The Director: Well, we still need to rendezvous. We'll leave the hydrogen tank there.
The Director: Alright, now we can go to Eve!
Gene: Nope. You need to crew it. I'm not having us missing a burn because the comm relay was on the wrong side of Eve.
The Director: But...
Gene: No buts! Get that refueler back up there with a crew.
The Director: Uuuuuurrrrgh...
The Director: Alright, I've put Linley and Johnuki in charge. They need the experience. Now can we go?
Gene: Yes, now we can go. Once the transfer window arrives
The Director: Dammit!
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[One year later]
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The Director: Aaaaaaand we're off! Let's get a quick gravity assist from the Mun before we go...
Gene: Cheeses that's close!
The Director: Scary, ain't it? Now we do the correction burn in solar orbit, and circularize in low Eve orbit.
Gene: Why does the clock say three years have passed?
The Director: Minor error on the correction burn. Also it took three passes to circularize. Disadvantages of nuclear engines.
Gene: Leaving Samald on Eve for three years is not minor!
The Director: We can debate semantics later. For now, let's put Johnuki into Eve's atmosphere.
Gene: Johnuki? The scientist?
The Director: Yeah, we've got probe cores so pilots are basically useless at this point, but Johnuki can do do atmospheric science during re-entry!
Gene: Please don't make him get an EVA report from Eve's upper atmosphere.
The Director: But that's the best part!
The Director: Hoo boy. Getting hot on re-entry. I wasn't expecting the heat shield to suffer like that.
Gene: You've got this, right? You're sure it'll work?
The Director: I crashed it into Kerbin at max speed and never saw temperatures like this. Eve is scary.
Gene: But seriously, though, you've got this?
The Director: Yeah, look, it's slowing down now. Johnuki lives another day.
Johnuki: Johnuki lives! No pitiful purple planet can kill the great Johnuki!
Gene: Oh thank goodness. Hi Johnuki. How's things going down there?
Johnuki: Things are ascending towards Johnuki!
Gene: You mean to say you're descending towards the planet?
Johnuki: No! Johnuki's is the superior reference frame, because it is the one that contains Johnuki!
Gene: Sure. Okay then.
Johnuki: Johnuki has landed!
Gene: 60 km away from Samald, I see. That's going to be quite the hike.
The Director: Don't worry, I have a plan! Johnuki! Deploy the miniplane!
The Director: Ain't it cute?
Gene: It barely looks big enough for one kerbal.
The Director: Precisely! It barely is big enough for one kerbal! But it's remote controlled and runs entirely on solar power, so it can basically go anywhere on Eve.
Gene: Oh. Suddenly I like it.
The Director: Thought you would. Let's go get Samald.
Gene: Why are you landing it with a parachute?
The Director: Don't tell Samald, but I've never actually managed to land it legitimately here on Kerbin.
Gene: Oh. Suddenly I hate it again.
The Director: Relax. It's an engineers plane. Sam can repack the parachute. Speaking of whom... what's she doing?
Gene: I have no idea.
The Director: Maybe 3 years on Eve drove her completely around the bend?
Gene: We'd better hope not. This Eve rescue mission caught the media's attention. It could ruin our reputation if she comes back nuts.
The Director: Oh, hang on...
The Director: No, she's fine. She was just getting the science out of the pod.
Gene: Oh, I see. Because someone forgot to put a ladder on the lander when they stranded her there for 3 years..
The Director: I sense passive aggression in the air.
Gene: Alright. She's on board. She's coming back. Can we actually talk to her or anything?
The Director: Does it look like there's room for speakers on that thing?
Gene: Okay, what's happening now?
The Director: She's just flying around the lowlands. What's she doing? Oop! She's popped the chute! What's she up to now?
Gene: Oh! Rock collecting!
The Director: Sweet! More science!
The Director: She's popped the chute again.
Gene: Again?
The Director: Oh, I know what it's about this time. I picked up a mission before we left to "splash down" on Eve. I figure gently rolling into the sea should be good enough.
Gene: Is that thing waterproof?
The Director: Shows what you know, Gene! Eve's ocean's aren't made of water.
Gene: [sigh]
Gene: That expression. Is she... enjoying herself?
The Director: I have no idea.
The Director: Uh oh.
Gene: What now?
The Director: She forgot to pack the parachute.
Gene: ... the one you said was essential for landing?
The Director: Yup. There's absolutely no way to land now.
Gene: Well.. for an engineer she's been surprisingly good at science so far. Maybe she's a competent pilot as well?
The Director: Nope. That thing's super sensitive and it's minimum speed is, like, a billion kilometers per hour. I wasn't able to land after loads of tries. There's no way she's that good. It's impossible.
Gene: Uh...
[silence]
Gene: When she gets back, I'm giving her a raise.
The Director: Pff- what a showoff.
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Johnuki: Johnuki greets you, Samald! I am here to save you!
Samald: ...
Johnuki: Johnuki understands entirely! Let us leave this terrible place! Ejecting unnecessary weight!
Gene: Why did the parachutes explode?
The Director: Oh, I fill most of our parachutes with C4.
Gene: why?
The Director: Better question is, why did that landing strut explode? I don't remember putting anything in it.
Gene: Does it matter? They're about to leave.
The Director: Point.
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Johnuki: Ejecting additional weight! Samald, I demand you attach a nose cone for aerodynamic stability and the glory of Johnuki!
Samald: ... [engineering noises]
The Director: They're ready for launch!
Johnuki: We're ready for launch!
Gene: Good work, Johnuki. Sam, it's so good to see you safe. Let's get you home, my friend. You've been on Eve long enough.
Samald: [nods]
Johnuki: Johnuki launching in t-minus five seconds!
Johnuki: Four seconds!
Johnuki: Three!
Johnuki: Two!
Johnuki: One!
Johnuki: Lif-
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-
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Episode 7: Massively Mining Minmus
(Part 2: Refueling Rover)
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SpoilerGene: That's new. What's that?
The Director: Minmus refueling rover.
Gene: I thought you were working on getting Samald back to Kerbin?
The Director: Got bored again. Doing holistic tests on the Eve lander's staging sequence got old.
Gene: Holistic tests? How do you holistically test an Eve lander?
The Director: How else? Ram it into Kerbin's atmosphere vertically at interplanetary velocities.
Gene: ... please tell me nobody was onboard for that, at least.
The Director: Valentina volunteered.
Gene: Of course she did. Alright, for the sake of what little remains of my sanity, let's change the topic. Tell me about this refueling rover. From what I can see, the design looks good. Big, but good.
The Director: Looks good? You're not going to complain about it being oversized?
Gene: Larger payloads mean fewer trips and less chance for error.
The Director: Um... could you call it unimaginably stupid or something? This feels weird.
Gene: No, I quite like the design. I think we can make use of it to refuel the interplanetary tug in time for the Eve transfer window.
The Director: Fine then! I'll send it to Minmus immediately!
Gene: Immediately? Wait, what about the lifting stage?
The Director: It's already on the launchpad.
Gene: YOU'RE PUTTING IT INTO ORBIT SIDEWAYS? YOU'RE INSANE!
The Director: Ah, there you are Gene! I was getting worried for a moment there. Alright folks, launch!
Gene: What, no!
The Director: Yes!
The Director: ... Geez. I should probably have given it more SAS. Or RCS. Or gimbals. Or anything, really. Point is, it's sluggish and painful to fly.
Gene: You built it, you fly it. Only seems fair.
The Director: And the mining base takes forever to load in, too. I put way too many parts on that. Maybe I should just tell Grafry to blow it up and replace it?
Gene: I don't fully understand what you're talking about, but in theory you could simplify the base by telling Grafry which parts to detach and dispose of safely.
The Director: Urgh. That would be a waste of my unimaginably valuable time. I could be doing important work instead!
Gene: Like, oh I dunno, refueling the interplanetary tug so we can get Samald back?
The Director: You're being clever again, Gene. Stop it.
The Director: Oh. Scary thought: I've never actually lifted it with a full tank of fuel. What if the terrier engines can't do it?
Gene: Are you going to spend this whole mission complaining?
The Director: Oh god, I'm becoming you.
Gene: No, you're really not. Did you remember to tell everyone to get on board for transfer to orbit?
The Director: Yup. 4 kerbals, the entire population of Minmus, ready for launch. Fingers crossed.
The Director: It works! Barely! God, this is so painful!
The Director: Argh! It shouldn't take this long to reach Minmus orbit!
Gene: Heh, I'm actually enjoying watching you suffer for once. Usually I'm the one doing that.
The Director: You shut your hole you sadistic little creep!
Gene: Oh hey, here's a fun thought. I wonder how well it'll dock?
The Director: Oh god please no.
[two very slow docking procedures and one timewarp-induced spontaneous disassembly later]
Gene: Hahaha! This is taking forever.
The Director: Please. End my pain.
Gene: Remember to land it back on Minmus when you're done!
The Director: Haaaaaatttteee!
Gene: Oh look. The Kerbals forgot to get off before you landed. Guess you'll have to go back up again.
The Director: [incomprehensible troll-noises]
Gene: This is great.
The Director: Gonna blow it up! We're gonna blow it all up and start over!
Gene: Okay, that's enough, calm down.
The Director: No I'm serious! Get Grafry on the horn!
Gene: Do you want to show me the Eve lander? I can tell you all about how stupid looking it is, how does that sound?
The Director: ...
Gene: Come on, you know you want to.
The Director: ... can I launch it without your permission, too?
Gene: You're going to anyway, I'm sure.
The Director: ... okaaaay.
Gene: There's a good director. [pat pat]
Quasar's Ultracareer - Episode 19: A Dreadful Dres Landing
in KSP1 Mission Reports
Posted
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Episode 20.5: Getting Val and Bob Back
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Gene: Hi Valentina, Bob. Can we talk for a moment about this Kerbin intercept you set up for us?
Bob: Please tell me you can pick us up I don't want to die in space.
Gene: So, it's between the Mun and Minmus...
Valentina: Yup! I think I got us pretty close, all things considered.
Gene: And you'll be moving at somewhere around 2000 m/s relative to Kerbin, right?
Valentina: That's right!
Gene: Valentina, that's not a good intercept. The delta-V requirements for that rendezvous are worse than going to Jool!
The Director: [pops head in] Did someone say worse than Jool?
Valentina: Don't you have an enormous refueling craft on minmus?
Gene: Unfortunately, that abomination doesn't actually have much delta-V. It can't actually use the hydrogen it carries.
Valentina: Well, that's disappointing.
Gene: Yes, the designer is an idiot.
The Director: ... ha ha I know you don't mean it.
Gene: [ignores the director] Basically, we need you need to be closer. Do you have any fuel left?
Valentina: Nope! It evaporated.
Gene: Of course it did. Okay, then, in that case this is going to be a bigger job than anticipated. We're going to need-
The Director: Emancipator engines!
Valentina: Yas!
Bob: Um... what are those?
The Director: Hacky OP trap engines of doom.
Gene: They're a type of hydrogen engine that also ejects the uranium fuel the reactor runs on. It results in a lot of delta-V, but it also irreperately damages the fission reactor. Effectively, they can't be re-used after they run out of uranium. But in this case... it's actually not a bad idea. So long as we take care not to irradiate Bob and Valetina with them. Alright let's go to the VAB.
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The Director: I was expecting something... pointier from you, Gene.
Gene: Hydrogen takes up a lot of volume, so it's difficult to build a fairing around it. This rocket is designed for a slow, vertical ascent. I'm not expecting the aerodynamics to be a huge problem.
Valentina: I see it! I see the engine plume!
Gene: Director, please tell me you're not pointing a plume of radioactive exhaust at Valentina and Bob.
The Director: Me? Nooooo, I would never! Besides, it's fine, Kerbals are immune to radiation.
Gene: ... um... no? Why would you think that.
The Director: Anyway, Valentina, you want to take it from here?
Valentina: Sure! Let's bring everything home.
Valentina: Okay, that's LKO. Do you think I can land it?
Gene: No!
Bob: No!
The Director: Yes!
Valentina: 2-to-2 then. A draw. Tell you what, let's compromise. Is Bill there?
Bill: Hi Valentina, my friend! How are you?
Valentina: Bill, get your overly friendly butt up here and bring me a couple parachutes. I've got a idea!
Bob: Oh no, please don't do it.
Bill: Certainly! Gene, could I trouble you for a launch vehicle and a few spare parachutes?
Gene: [sigh] Fine.
Bill: So... I'm not actually a pilot, Valentina. How am I supposed to dock without RCS?
Valentina: First, point your craft at our craft.
Bill: Okay, doing it. That's done.
Valentina: Now throttle up slightly while still pointing at the ship...
Bill: ... okay.
Valentina: And dock!
Bill: Instructions unclear, got rocket stuck in piston.
Valentina: Close enough. This is a stickup. Give us all your fuel and parachutes.
Bill: Oh no, I'm being robbed!
Valentina: Alright, let's go!
Bob: What about Bill? Are we just going to leave him up there?
Valentina: He'll be fine.
Gene: Wait, Valentina, are you de-orbiting the entire craft?!
Valentina: Yup! Expensive nuclear engines and all that!
The Director: We trained her well.
Bob: Um... this craft is uh... what's the word... wobbly?
Valentina: I know, it's like Jello!
Bob: Is it really going to hold together when the chutes deploy? Because they're at the front of the craft right now...
Valentina: ... you know, I didn't think of that...
[chute's deploy]
[BWOING!]
Valentina: Wheeeeee!
Bob: Aaaaaaaa!
Valentina: Okay, the rocking is slowing down. Just gotta fire the engines on landing, and we'll touch down ever so gently...
Valentina: Like a glove.
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The Director: Haha! Dres contract complete!
The Director: See? Told you it would work. Now we never have to go there for any reason ever agai-
The Director: ... welp, I guess we're never doing a world-first contract ever again.