AlamoVampire

Saw a meteor and a random satellite while taking some astrophotography (dslr only no scope)… not worth posting to a thread in the lounge.

062109012024 back to lurking

Im going to be mostly lurking here for the foreseeable future if not taking a leave of absence, again for the foreseeable future. 
 

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i can only take so much before i break. I have broken. 

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ever get the feeling you are unwanted, unwelcome, are invalid and hated? Yup. I sure do. And its more than a feeling.

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I do not like me. I question me. I question my value. Why? Why? 121008222024

Im about to just completely give up.

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no scratch that. I give up. I quit. 
 

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Hi there! Thanks for stopping by! Come again!

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To all who visit: Hi! Have a look around and then have a nice (your time of day)! Thanks for stopping by!

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Question to any who find this. If someone hurts you or otherwise causes you harm of an emotional or some other mental distress is it wrong of the injured party to seek an apology from the party that did said hurt or harm or mental distress? If it is somehow wrong for the aggrieved to ask for said apology why is it wrong? I ask because of three things: 1. Ive been so harmed and distressed and 2. 

A particular action or choice is moral or right when it somehow promotes happiness, well-being or health or it somehow minimizes unnecessary harm or suffering or it does both. 

A particular action or choice is immoral or wrong when it somehow diminishes happiness, well-being or health or it somehow causes harm or suffering or again it does both.

3. its on going and disruptive and i find the moral adjudication would be said apology.

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201907012024

Im not doing so well yall. I dont feel this is worthy of taking up a post in a thread but still wanted to put this out there. Im overwhelmed. Lately ive had a slew of things go wrong and its taking a toll. First my disposal went and broke. Then my car had a charging system issue so had to get a new battery then a new alternator. Then my camaro decided it wanted to nuke its battery. In fairness its battery was a 2019 battery, but still. Then tonight? Went to start my dishwasher and either i flubbed and missed a button (hey im human, im stressed, im wound up, it happens) or… i dont wanna consider or… and when i hit start it buzzed at me. Then i got it going by opening the door and that i guess reset it and this time i know i hit all the buttons right because its going on like a champ as i type. Guys i just want to know im going to be ok, that my stress and anxiety will quiet down. I just want…no…need a hug. Any words of encouragement and hugs would be nice. 
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Yes. Im very hurt right now. Yes i am angry right now. Yes. Im very bitter about it.

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Things feel surreal and unreal like a dream i just cannot wake from. 
 

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Im completely convinced I am cursed. The event that broke me tonight has convinced me of this. I wish I knew why this is. To quote Shakespeare’s As You Like It (act 2 scene 7): “All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances…” If this is true, then today, right here, right now, I feel as if I am on stage in a tragedy and in this tragedy I am alone on this stage and the house lights just went out leaving me in pitch black darkness. I feel so so so alone now.

"I am alone and this loneliness is killing me." -unknown

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Ive just been broken.

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So what just happened isnt thread worthy but I feel a need to voice it. Right now as I type this im playing MSFS2020 doing a flight to Phoenix. Im in the cruise phase at FL380 so not much to do. I decided to play some music and a song that really does cut me like a no other came on. I had a sudden compulsion to look behind a little dish on my desk, a dish Ive not moved in over a decade (11.9 years) and found an item Ive not seen in 12 years. An item thats tied emotionally to that very song that came on because of the person (my ex tbh) made the item and introduced me to that song. Quite a bolt of unwanted memories and feelings. 
 

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When I was a kid I wanted nothing more than to be an adult. What kid didnt? I mean eat what you want, stay up all night, no rules (that the kid i was could see). It looked glorious. Well, now? Im 40 and want nothing more (well right now as my allergies try to kill me) than to be that kid again! Ive spent the majority of the last 24 hours sleeping, eaten nothing other than 6 pills (2 alieve and 4 mucinex) and some chocolate milk and dr pepper. I miss the days of when with but a wave (hey i was a kid and this is how it felt lol) of her hand my mom would make a grilled cheese appear along with a rented vhs of either M.A.S.K or Thundercats and what ever bug had me down would be gone. How I miss those days. 
 

050206152022

ever identify with lyrics in a song so hard you feel exactly what the character <if its an opera or musical> is saying with the lyrics? For me? Yup. From the Phantom of the Opera in the moments after Christine Daae steals the mask off the Phantom. Well after his outburst of shock/horror:

Stranger than you dreamt it
Can you even dare to look or bear to think of me
>>This loathsome gargoyle who burns in Hell
>>But secretly yearns for Heaven
Secretly, secretly

But, Christine
Fear can turn to love, you'll learn to see
>>To find the man behind the monster
>>This repulsive carcass who seems a beast
>>But secretly dreams of beauty
>>Secretly, secretly
Oh, Christine

that block of lyrics is from again, The Phantom of the Opera <musical, not the book from 1911 by Gaston Leroux> by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber in the song: I Remember / Stranger Than You Dreamt It

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>> annotates the portions Im referring too specifically.

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Am I cursed? Does the universe hate me? Personally? I say yes.

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Would you notice…?

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I wish i knew

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Hiya! @ColdJ is correct. The numbers you see at the bottom of my posts are a personal time/date stamp i add to my posts to better track my posts. The forum gets less specific the older a post is. To read my time stamps the are formatted in Hour:Minute (24 hour format) Month Day Year so: 223704072022 is 1037pm April 07 2022

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With 28 hours 52 minutes left in 2021, heres hoping for a happy and healthy 2022 for us all!

190812302021

Well it seems that my PS4 issues have come to a conclusion. My PS4 was beyond salvage, its broken beyond repair, or at least beyond that shop I took it to. We tried moving my hard drive to a donor machine, but it did not work. Seems sony isnt big on right to repair and bricks components while on rigs other than the one they rolled off the line on… shame really. My donor ps4 is chuggin along like a champ. But my PS4 issues had 1 last kick in them. My OG controller from PS4 launch finally gave up. Got a refurbished one at gamestop. Only complaint is that its previous owner seemed to live inside a cologne bottle as it stinks of cheap cologne. Good news is 2-3 or so days and it will flash off. Thats my saga of my ps4. Died on a wednesday and got back up and going this past wednesday. Circular i think.

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