totm nov 2023 Thread to discuss negative things in a very general way, just see where it goes y'know?

[Delay]

10 hours ago, AlamoVampire said:

Not even an hour after my above post, at 1853 this evening my beloved mother passed away. Im devastated. 210309222024

I'm so incredibly sorry for you loss. Losing anyone important to you is hard to accept, but your mother...?

I can't imagine what you're feeling right now...

[AlamoVampire]

@Delay shock, numbness, sadness, grief and other feelings i cant explain at all. Its 13 minutes from 14 hours as i type and it feels like a cruel joke.

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[AstroWolfie]

@AlamoVampire, use this as a way to get stronger, but first give yourself time to grieve. I am very sorry for your loss.

[Gargamel]

14 hours ago, AlamoVampire said:

Not even an hour after my above post, at 1853 this evening my beloved mother passed away. Im devastated. 210309222024

You have my condolences AV.   

[AlamoVampire]

I cant believe I am 23 or so hours now without my mom. This is so unreal.

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[AlamoVampire]

Im sorry to be taking up bandwidth lamenting but ive just passed 1 day and nearly 20 minutes since my momma died. Im less than 15 minutes from the 1 day mark of learning i lost her. But im so afraid if i dont talk somewhere im going to lose myself. Ive no idea how to cope. Im so lost with out her. I dont feel nearly 43, instead i feel like im 3 or 4 and cant find my momma. This is so blasted hard…

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[richfiles]

On 9/16/2024 at 10:09 PM, Spacetraindriver said:

got on a really weird nostalgic kick for some reason. just scrolling through old posts and seeing all the dead image links got me sad and reflecting...its funny how general public thought went from 'anything you post on the internet will be there forever' to 'old internet is completely gone and you can never go back.' this commentary has probably already been made thousands of times already but still, it just really feels like we took it all for granted, like is all popular game discussion these days really doomed to the glorified impermanent group chat format of like discord? at the least im still able to check back here like I am right now, nice knowing this place is still here. not that I ever was as active in public servers like I was here in its heyday (truthfully, feels spiritually far too similar to being ignored and talked over at high school lunch tables) but what if I was and wanted to look back there like I am here right now? I do that with what, screenshots? hours of searching through text search? i dunno, its probably not that important of a discussion but I get sentimental easily, what can I say

I had started to go back and repair the dead links and images and formatting in my old Simpit Repository posts, right before the big announcement about the fate of KSP 2.
I instead started archiving the pages instead... 

[richfiles]

23 hours ago, AlamoVampire said:

Not even an hour after my above post, at 1853 this evening my beloved mother passed away. Im devastated. 210309222024

You got a stranger on the internet shedding a tear for your loss....
I worry about my own parents. they're both over 70.
I've watched the gradual decline in their health, and it hurts to even imagine...

I pray you have the strength to bear this sorrow in your life.
Always keep her alive in your memories, and never forget how much you were loved by her. 

[AlamoVampire]

Its been barely 40 hours since my Mom passed and Im barely eating, cant stop crying (well i do have periods where im not crying but still) and this feels like a nightmare. Its been fast and slow. Calm and chaotic. I want her to be proud of me. I want to believe she on some level knew I was there in her final hours, that she felt my hug, my kiss and heard my final I love you Momma, Ill see you later. I hope to be ok one day. I just want my Momma back.

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[AstroWolfie]

This feels like poetry.

[Gargamel]

20 hours ago, AlamoVampire said:

Im sorry to be taking up bandwidth lamenting but ive just passed 1 day and nearly 20 minutes since my momma died. Im less than 15 minutes from the 1 day mark of learning i lost her. But im so afraid if i dont talk somewhere im going to lose myself. Ive no idea how to cope. Im so lost with out her. I dont feel nearly 43, instead i feel like im 3 or 4 and cant find my momma. This is so blasted hard…

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Don’t worry about the bandwidth.   It’s a traumatic thing, expected or not.    My SO lost her mother about a year ago and she still has moments where the smallest thing sends her crying.   Nothing can replace the loss, and time will help, but that hole in your life will never fully close.   Grieve as you must, it’s the only way through this, but try to make her proud.   Take those little things that remind you of her and enjoy them, cherish the memories, and imagine she’s enjoying it with you.   

[AlamoVampire]

To all who have replied I want to thank all of you. I appreciate the kind words. This is so traumatic and my dog, her dog really, was just whimpering really loudly as I was looking for a few final things I will be placing in her casket when I go to spend a final few minutes with her before shes secured for transport back to her final resting place in Ohio. Maggie, my or her dog was with her as I visited the morning of the day she passed, she knows, and that hurts almost as much as  my pain. Again thank you all. I will be continuing to post about this as I process this and welcome any well wishes, advice any anything else yall think helpful.

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[AlamoVampire]

Its been 54 hours and change now since my moms death. Its been both the longest two days of my life and the shortest at the same time. Im still bawling at random times but Id not be human or normal if I wasnt. Ive expected and wanted to dream of my mom but the night she passed I dreamed of nothing. Last night I did dream but not of my mom. I also couldnt shake this sensation that something was holding my hands as I lay in my chair trying to sleep. The sensation was soft and gentle, same as her touch. Im not religious nor do I have a belief in any kind of mystical supernatural type stuff. But I cannot explain it. Tonight as if I had not already lost enough in my life my cable modem which my provider wants me to upgrade but because it provides the wifi network my deceased best friend and brother from another mother ive resisted just randomly decided that both my 2.5G and 5G wifi networks would BOTH suddenly shut down. Again I dont believe in ghosts or the hereafter but its as if my mom and best friend teamed up to try to force me to swap modems lol. As to myself, Im finding that this whole grief thing is just the most wild ride. Im going through periods of uncontrolled crying then periods where i feel like i did two weeks ago, as if shes just a few miles down the road having a fine time of laughing with her fellow residents and life is “normal” then sudden this gut wrenching guilt. Guilt that I didnt visit as often as I could or should have. Guilt that I failed her as a son by not giving her grandkids. Guilt that I was just a pure disappointment by breaking my promise to never put her in a place like that. I know as far as guilt goes, that its just part of grief. I know she loved me and that I was struggling with having her there. I know she wouldnt think I failed her on the grandkid front because she knew I wasnt exactly a social butterfly and that love can be hard to find. I know she would tell me if she could that she knew I placed her there because it was the best choice for her care needs and that ultimately she would be proud to know that I did that for her because I loved her. She was the foundation of my world, my rock, my tether to my and her better sides. From her love of me, her choice 43 years ago next month to adopt me, her lessons, her advice, her presence I am today who I am. I owe her a debt that can never be repaid. All I can do is be the son she loved and hopefully one day be the type of parent she was. My future is her dream and I aim to deliver. Again as I grieve and process I ask you to help me along with thoughts, advice or just quietly pulling for me.

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[AlamoVampire]

I just had what amounts to my first meal since saturday or so, and it was from a place she loved, chick fil a. Ive not eaten there since november 2022. Some will know why, but that parts not important. I opened my phone and opened her picture. I had it on my lap as I ate. It felt as if we were having one last meal as mother and son. I cant stop crying now. I will see her one final time here where i live tomorrow prior to her arrival in Ohio and then one final time at the funeral home the day I arrive up there to arrange the items in her casket prior to it being sealed for her service the next days. As if this didnt hurt enough, tomorrow will be brutal.  heck i cant fathom whats ahead after that. 

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Edited September 26 by AlamoVampire

[SunlitZelkova]

@AlamoVampire I'm hearing your news only now as I've been away from the forums for a few days. I extend my deep condolences. I just left my mother and the rest of my family to begin attending university in a different country. Parting with them on a temporary basis was difficult enough, I cannot imagine what you are going through.

I don't really pray anymore, despite continuing to hold some degree of religious belief.

I'm not sure if this helps. All I can say is, know that this one person feels pain for you. I have not experienced the feeling of wanting to be with another human being and never being able to again, only such a feeling with animals.

Idk. The worst thing that's happened to me when suffering loss- specifically the loss of those pets- was being told to move on. As if there is some set of actions you can take, according to a sort of manual, and the pain will go away.

I don't believe that's the case. That's not necessarily advice, just some food for thought.

So what I really want to say is this one person feels pain for you, and, does not hold expectations. If your pain is still intense months, even years from now, and you are posting about it here, I will not tell you to get over it. I'll continue to listen (read). And my pain for you will continue.

I don't think anyone is supposed to get over pain. It's more about learning to live with it.

That's where my journey took me. You will go on yours, and find your own answers. I hope that you will find them, at least. Even if I was to make a request to a deity, in the end I'm just hoping for the good outcome I desire to be granted.

Note that I mean journey in a much more abstract, philosophical sense. Consciously declaring "I'm going to explore my feelings and see how I can get better" does not really mark the start of a journey, but is part of one that is ongoing, one that cannot be initiated or ended, for it is eternal. It is unconscious, existing outside of our own faculties. Perhaps when saying journey, what I am actually referring to is experience. Not in choosing to have a certain experience, like going to a concert... but rather the very essence of being alive and sensing things, thinking about things.

I hope that your journey ends with peace. Ends with feeling better. On a different level, I believe and know that your journey will have such an outcome, but it's based in that "some degree of religious belief" I mentioned earlier. That's my personal opinion. I don't think that it makes it better for you, or that it should make it better for you. But ending a response to such terrible news with "I hope you're gonna be okay" just seems a little lacking somehow. As something I would say, not that when others say the same, they are lacking in compassion or something.

I only say hope- and nothing else- with the intent of actually providing something... a form of condolence, I guess... because that's all I can do. I don't think anyone has a magic formula that can be applied to others' pain as a cure or alleviation. We can make formulas for ourselves, but it can only be a sort of study material or advice for others. It can't be applied directly, it just won't have the same effect. Everyone has their own way of thinking and feeling, and with such a deep, painful issue as the loss of a loved one, the only way one can meet that way of thinking and feeling is by their own hand (or mind).

So I don't actually know if you'll be okay. If it will get better.

But I can hope you'll be okay; hope it will get better.

When my pets passed away, I did not have anyone hoping things got better except in a way that suited their expectations. That made it take longer for me to get better.

So even if I'm just a wall of text on a screen, I'd like you to know there's someone feeling pain for you and hoping you'll get better, but with no conditions as to exactly how (or when) you do. In the hope that might help a little bit.

I don't know you well, but I wanted to try my best to console, and I felt that the best I could do was (is) just trying to be the kind of person I would have wanted to have around- or rather, simply know existed- when I suffered my own loss.

[AlamoVampire]

@SunlitZelkova It has not even been 75 hours since my mother passed away, that moment comes up in about 40 minutes as I type this. Firstly, I want to thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I myself am an atheist so I can only deal in the rational, the factual to try to make sense of and understand this and the weeks, days, hours and minutes that lead up to my mother drawing her last breath. She was herself religious so for her, I hope she has found what she hoped to find on that side of things. I know her body no longer suffers the effects of dementia, or from the autoimmune disease bullous pemphigoid (which after speaking directly to her dermatologist and showing a picture of one of the lesions that was on my mothers arm when ((taken the day of)) I was there the day she passed, said it was highly likely thats exactly what she had, and could have been a contributing factor to her passing). These are but minor, trivial comforts in the scope of things. This is a pain I cannot describe. She passed away Sunday evening at 1853 local time and its barely 0921 here as I type this on a Thursday morning. These last few days have both been a crawl and it feels as if I just BLINKED and bam its Thursday. In my life I have lost members of my family, all my grandparents, a few cousins and their deaths, some I never felt because I either never knew them being only an infant, or was too far away to have any kind of familial bond, some I barely felt as I was again, a bit older but still too young to fully grasp death, and then with my grandparents on my fathers side, my grandfather, I was too young so I didnt feel it, my grandmother, I was older, but, grief didnt happen, anger did based on how I thought she died. Then my mothers parents died. I felt grief for my grandmother and attended her funeral. I felt grief and a touch of guilt for my grandfathers as the last day I saw him about a year prior to his passing he did not see me turn back to wave at him and he left the airport with my uncle thinking I never did. My uncle <my mothers brother> passed a year ago this August and I didnt really feel anything at the news of his passing aside from being kinda shocked he did. My mothers mother was the only person to whos funeral I attended. My best friend passed 4 years ago this past August and his death rocked me, but thanks to covid no funeral was held. Now? Now I have lost my mother. I was a mommas boy, still am. There is no manual, no guide book, nothing on how to deal emotionally with it. I find myself passing through periods where I bawl uncontrollably and periods where I am just numb. Later today I am going down to the funeral home where she is at and is being readied to return home to final resting place in Ohio. I will have but a few minutes to place a few additional items into her casket with her and say a final farewell and such here. Then tomorrow she will return back to Ohio, and for the first time in my life I will be in this state and she is not. I mean she has gone up to Ohio in the past with out me to visit her Dad and brother, but, those times she was coming home after, and this, well, this is different, because when what ever airline transport her, she will have left permanently. I am HOPING to be able to watch as the aircraft she is on takes off. I owe her that nerdy attempt. I will of course bawl knowing exactly is going on, but still. If I had advice to offer it would be this: Make the memories you can when you can. Treasure the ones you have. You never know when you will find that you suddenly are me and want to make the memory but cant. There is no pain like wanting to hear your name on your mothers lips again, or feel her hug or see her smile and knowing there is nothing you can do to do that. I did some years ago, and would suggest you do this as well, I made a recording of my mother singing me a lullaby she sang me as an infant. I have listened to it a few times over the last few days bawling as I did, but it helps. Also, that morning as she lay in her bed apparently starting to pass away I got to see the full power of a mothers instinct. I had come to visit her with my neighbor and I brought my Mom her little dachshund with me. She tried to pet her pup as I held her near her. But, after I handed my pup to my neighbor and asked for a moment alone with my Mom, this is when I saw that maternal instinct drive itself to the surface. I placed my hand on hers and rubbed her hand with my thumb. She suddenly moved her thumb onto mine for a moment. She was not speaking a word verbally while I was there, she was not exactly tracking me around her room and was basically incoherent, but, that ONE moment, that ONE instant when her thumb moved to mine was a moment I will never forget and cherish more keenly than any fine gem or amount of money. I think in that moment she was trying to say she loved me, she will miss me, she believes in me, and goodbye. I did go to see her one final time a few hours later and that wound up being exactly 2 hours prior to her passing. I think both my visits that day gave her the peace she needed to let go. Again, this is of minimal comfort. The only comfort that is more than trivial is that moment her thumb covered mine. I want her back, I want 5 more minutes, I want 1 more hug. I want my Momma and nothing will ever change that. As I finish this post I am now 10 minutes away from 75 hours with out her. This is still so surreal and unreal. If you want to think of me and her, Tuesday 1200 noon Eastern Time US will be her service.

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[Iapetus7342]

i'm sorry for your loss

[AlamoVampire]

9 minutes ago, Iapetus7342 said:

i'm sorry for your loss

Thank you. I wish I knew what to do or think. All I can do is just be. Just go a step at a time. One day in some future I will be better. I will never be the same. In my mind I hear my younger self, a little boy not much over 3 or 4 years old wailing inconsolably. I am in a state words are inadequate to describe. Its something no one should feel but will. Her memory, her love for me will forever ride in my heart. Where ever I am, what ever I do, whomever else I may meet, my Mom will be there in spirit to watch on, to guide and cheer me on.

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[AlamoVampire]

Im sitting in my car outside the funeral home where my Momma is. The wind is blowing but not too hard and the sky is blue. Im devastated at what I have lost. I find now that anger is starting to creep in. How dare the birds chirp. How dare the wind blow. How dare people carry on as if I am invisible, as if nothing is wrong. I know its irrational. I also hear the boy I once was bawling. I hear and feel his terror for it is mine. Im soon to have a private moment with my Momma. Im not ready. I will never be ready.

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[AtomicTech]

47 minutes ago, AlamoVampire said:

Im sitting in my car outside the funeral home where my Momma is. The wind is blowing but not too hard and the sky is blue. Im devastated at what I have lost. I find now that anger is starting to creep in. How dare the birds chirp. How dare the wind blow. How dare people carry on as if I am invisible, as if nothing is wrong. I know its irrational. I also hear the boy I once was bawling. I hear and feel his terror for it is mine. Im soon to have a private moment with my Momma. Im not ready. I will never be ready.

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I'll pray for you and your mom

My condolences, by the way   

[AlamoVampire]

I just had my visit before she travels. She was soo cold. She looked like herself yet not. I miss her. 
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[AlamoVampire]

That STUPID HURRICANE just screwed up everything!!! My mother was supposed to fly out tomorrow but no. It shut down cargo ops and now she flies out monday putting everything in jeopardy for tuesday. Gyah this hurts

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[AlamoVampire]

I just got word my mothers transport is Monday and even though its delayed thanks to the stupid hurricane, her services remain unaffected. 
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[tater]

On 9/22/2024 at 9:37 PM, AlamoVampire said:

@Zozaf Kerman @razark thank** you both. Im numb, in shock, you name it. I just saw her alive mere hours ago then bam gone. Its surreal. Its unfathomable. I dont know how to handle it or process it. I dont know what to think or say… its just… i have no words. Ive had to live the last few years with her in that facility so i had grieved that loss, now that shes passed? Im grieving again. Deeper, harder. Im 42 years 11 months and 4 days old. I was her adopted son for 42 years 11 months and 1 day. Would have a day or two more but i was born with gestational jaundice so i wasnt released by doctors for 3 days. All i want is my momma. One more hug, more i love you momma. I urge and implore you ALL cherish your mothers, fathers, brothers. For one day they will be gone.

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225409222024 grief induced spelling error

Just so.

Sorry for your loss.

All I can say is that the grief gets better over time (I lost my mom in 2009, and I was close to your age at the time). For me it's usually happy memories, but the sadness still comes when I think of things I'd like to ask her or share with her. I know she'd prefer the former, so I try for that.

[AlamoVampire]

I was going through a drawer looking for something of hers and i found a note she wrote. No idea when she did. Ive been in that drawer many times and never saw it. Then when I am in so much pain i find it.  

Gone from our sight But never our memories

Gone from our Touch But never our hearts

 

i miss her so much

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