Martian Robot Defense! Co-op story!

[Whirligig Girl]

So I wanted to reboot from the other thread. Don't take the setup seriously.

Suddenly, one day, out of the blue (or pink I guess), all of the mars rovers and robots are no longer accepting signals from Earth. They're still sending data back! The cool thing though is that every single piece of junk that's landed on Mars is now restored to the same functionality that it was at right after landing. Also, now it's time to truly suspend your disbelief. Now all the rovers/landers/robots have human "souls" (i.e., their main computer is now magically a human brain), and they remember everything that has been done before this (only when they are awake. They don't remember anything after their battery is depleted and they had shut down). Their personality is related to their name. They will degrade over time just as the did the first time around. They can only talk to each other every once in a while, when a satellite flies overhead more than one of them, or if they ever get within 3.7 km of each other (horizon distance on Mars).

Now it gets even weirder (unless you're a 40s-60s sci-fi writer), as now there are humanoid martians (Tall green humans) suddenly in a civilization on mars. They're in a bronze age, and they're hostile. They want to kill the rovers because they are like demons or something.

How do the rovers survive? How long do they survive? What tactics do they use?

Rules

You MUST have fun.

You must use scientific accuracy. (Remember how slowly robot joints and wheels move!)

You must use the "yes" rules of improv.

The rovers don't think they are humans or anything, so no referring to any inhernetly human terms. (Kissing, Bathing, or Scratching your face, for instance)

Your post must continue the story

You act as the narrator.

You must quote the post that you are acting from chronologically. (to avoid the confusions of two people using the text editor at the same time)

-If it's a long post, snip out the content aside from the first sentence.

Nothing physically impossible can happen (aside from anything directly relating to the setup)

You can write from the point of view of Jet Propulsion Laboratory, The Mars Network, or the Aliens.

If someone violates any of these rules in the post, you can bypass the rules of improv.

Keep the post less than 4 paragraphs at a time.

You MUST use proper punctuation, and if at all possible, grammar and spelling.

Nothing that is mostly spam, no spamming letters.

alien: slfhgdahlhhOP:fhsop:HPoho;hgdlaohfafhailfhaHHHHHHH

curiousity: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Nothing inappropriate!

Please refer to this list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_artificial_objects_on_Mars

I'll start.

Spirit: Huh... wait a minute... I'm awake again. Oh thank goodness. *yawns*

spirit pans around his camera, getting a good view of the area.

Spirit: What? Something's moving!

A spear with a very large wing surface is thrown at Spirit, it lands in front of Spirt. Another one is thrown...

Edited November 29, 2014 by GregroxMun

[Sun]

Spirit: Wow, this must be unusual. My scanners didn't tell me about thi- *is hit by one of the spears*

[Whirligig Girl]

Opportunity: What was that noise? It seems like a rather good time to initiate exploration.

arrow lands lodged inside Opportunity's solar panel, wedged between the chassis and the panel

Opportunity: This hurts. They didn't tell me I would be hurt on Mars. I even took the opportunity to ask before they loaded me on the rocket. But no one answered...

Opportunity pans around, and spots the archer.

Opportunity: Hmm. I should probably get out of here.

The alien archer runs towards Opportunity.

Opportunity: RUN!

Opportunity slowly roves away, while the alien trips on a rock in persuit.

Opportunity: I need to take this opporunity to hide while that thing struggles to get up.

Edited November 21, 2014 by GregroxMun

[Mr_Brain]

At JPL

Human 1: Weird, I'm getting strange errors from Curiosity...

Human 2: Confirmed. It shouldn't be able to produce that kind of data!

Human 1: Hold on, I think I'm seeing a pattern... This seems to be some kind of message!

Human 3: What are you talking about? If you're trying to say that the rover's writing to us,- Human 3 looks at the data readouts What!? You're right! It's almost as if Curiosity had a mind of its own!

Curiosity: Now this is peculiar... I'm thinking. How can I be thinking? I don't think I was programmed to do this...

The aliens have not found Curiosity... yet.

[megatiger78]

meanwhile on phobos...

ksp community cubesat:oh look, here comes that aircraft carrier that is going to land on mars

back on mars...

spirit:RUUNNNNNNNNN

Opportunity: but aren't you stuck?

spirit:oh.

aircraft carrier lands

[Whirligig Girl]

Sorry Megatiger, there is no Cubesat from KSP yet, neither is there any plausibility of landing an aircraft carrier on Mars. Also, remember, SPirit isn't stuck, because they're all restored to full function.

I'm vetoing yours Megatiger.

[megatiger78]

reattempt

spirit: why am I not dead? oh look a martian.

meanwhile....

beagle 2: why am I weged bettwen 2 rocks but not broken?

also....

Viking 1:hey 2 you seen any alien monks yet?

Viking 2:yes theres one. next to that cave that looks like a monastery.

both probes: BURRRRNNNNNNN THEMMMMMM ALLLLLLL

[Vaporo]

Sojourner: Hey Pathfinder, you there?

Pathfinder: Sojo! I haven't talked to you in ages! Found any new interesting paths to follow?

Sojourner: Nope. There's a funny-looking rock over there, though. Want a picture?

Pathfinder: Might as well. I still kinda wish we had found more roads here, though, instead of just rocks.

*receives picture*

Pathfinder: Gee, that looks awfully round for a rock. Can you send me another picture?

*receives picture*

Pathfinder: Err, ok... That rock is still there, but it seems to have... changed since the last photo.

Sojourner: Ummm, you might think I'm crazy, but that rock, to me, looks like very tall, green human lying on the ground.

Pathfinder: Egad! You're right. Not only that, it appears to be carrying tools of some sort. We have discovered life on Mars. This has far surpassed our mission objectives. Get me another picture!

*sends picture*

Pathfinder: Ok, After further analysis, I believe that there is not one, but at least ten martian life forms nearby. I assume we have stumbled upon some kind of nest or encampment. I know that you like to roam around, but you must hide here and analyze these creature.

Sojourner: Alright, just give me an hour or so to get behind this big rock here.

*rolls behind rock*

Edited November 20, 2014 by Vaporo

[megatiger78]

alien: slfhgdahlhhOP:fhsop:HPoho;hgdlaohfafhailfhaHHHHHHH

curiousity: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Whirligig Girl]

reattempt

spirit: why am I not dead? oh look a martian.

meanwhile....

beagle 2: why am I weged bettwen 2 rocks but not broken?

also....

Viking 1:hey 2 you seen any alien monks yet?

Viking 2:yes theres one. next to that cave that looks like a monastery.

both probes: BURRRRNNNNNNN THEMMMMMM ALLLLLLL

This is better, but still breaking the spelling, punctuation, and grammar rule. Let me edit this post to make it abide by the rules, just for a bit of guidance. You'd be wise to use some proper spelling and punctuation.

Spirit: why am I not dead? Oh, look a martian.

meanwhile....

Beagle 2: Why am I wedged between two rocks, yet still not broken?

also...

Viking 1: Hey 'Two, you seen any alien monks yet?

Viking 2: Yeah, there's one, next to that cave that looks kinda like a monastery.

Both probes: DEFEAT THEM ALL!

EDIT:

alien: slfhgdahlhhOP:fhsop:HPoho;hgdlaohfafhailfhaHHHHHHH

curiousity: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NO.

[Sun]

Asteroid: *hits Mars*

[Whirligig Girl]

Sojourner: Hey Pathfinder, you there?

-snip-

Sojourner: Alright, just give me an hour or so to get behind this big rock here.

*rolls behind rock*

Sojourner: I'm behind the rock.

Pathfinder: Brilliant.

meanwhile

Curiosity: Hmm. I wonder what this rock looks like.

Curiosity shoots the rock with the laser, examining the surface.

A horn is blown off in the distance (and is also rather high pitched).

Curiosity: doesn't hear anything, doesn't have ears.

Curiosity: Hmm, I feel a slight vibration in my accellerometer.

An alien runs up to a hill, overlooking curiosity. The Alien is clearly a child.

Chak' Thos: Momma, look! It's a demon! We gotta go back and find daddy!

Mreph' Thos: Alright sweetie, we'd better get out before it's evilness destroys our souls.

Curiosity pans around his camera, then spots the two aliens on the hill.

Mreph' Thos: DUCK!

Chak' Thos: Aww, it's kinda cute!

Mreph' Thos: It's a demon! Stop being blasphemous! Bad girl!

meanwhile at JPL

is playing at low volume in the background.

Human 1: We're getting some telemetry from Mars. This is amazing! We're getting readings from Spirit! Wait... what? We're also getting those same readings from Spirit as we were from Curiosity!

spear lands in front of Spirit.

Human 1: What the heck is that!

Human 2: Wait, zoom in on that green bit there...

Human 1: What!? That surely can't...

Human 3: Did you guys accidentally draw a phallic shape with Curiosity again?

[Sun]

Curiosity: *sees flash of light in sky* Huh, my camera must have flashed across the sun.... oh wait. *asteroid impacts* Well, time to try to escape from the debris cloud from that new crater!

[Whirligig Girl]

Asteroid: *hits Mars*

Curiosity: I just got a minor blip on my seismic accellerometer. I wonder what that was.

Curiosity looks around.

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: Hey Curiosity, what's happening bro!

Curiosity: Hey... erm... Reco.

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: Curio, my man! You're up and about too!

Curiosity: So the other rovers...

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: Yeah! The robots too!

Curiosity: Any idea what that seismic blip was?

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: A small space rock was bookin' it towards mars, probably a bit of debris from that comet. Viking Orbiter just saw it impact, only a few kilometers away from you. Nothing big.

Curiosity: Okay. Anything about some green objects?

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: There's nothing green on Mars. It's the RED planet!

Curiosity: *sees flash of light in sky* Huh, my camera must have flashed across the sun.... oh wait. *asteroid impacts* Well, time to try to escape from the debris cloud from that new crater!

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: Erm.. that's not the one I saw...

Curiosity: This is gonna be a bit of a problem to get out of the way of.

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: Oh come on, you've gone through worse! Besides, you got an RTG, not none of these dank solar panels!

Curiosity: Do you really think I can make it?

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: THINK, MAN! 0.01 atm, is a little wind gonna hurt you?

winds pick up, dust blows across

Curiosity: I guess not.

Edited November 21, 2014 by GregroxMun

[Sun]

MRO: Curiosity, it is advised that you move out of there.

Curiosity: Why?

MRO: I think that asteroid didn't just make a dust cloud. It also triggered the remelting of Mars's core, and you're on one of the new volcanic hot spots.

Curiosity: Oh no. I can only go a few miles per hour.

MRO: Don't be silly, you can withstand thousands of degrees, you're metal!

Curiosity: Ok, if you say so...

[Vaporo]

MRO: Curiosity, it is advised that you move out of there.

Curiosity: Why?

MRO: I think that asteroid didn't just make a dust cloud. It also triggered the remelting of Mars's core, and you're on one of the new volcanic hot spots.

Curiosity: Oh no. I can only go a few miles per hour.

MRO: Don't be silly, you can withstand thousands of degrees, you're metal!

Curiosity: Ok, if you say so...

That kind of heat would fry its circuits, though.

And I don't think an asteroid impact could cause the core of Mars to heat up (I'm pretty sure that it's already molten) without obliterating the planet as well (has to be physically realistic).

Well, I'll go with it, for now.

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: Hey Curiosity, what's happening bro!

So, satellites are ok?

Mars Climate Orbiter: (thinking) What the... YES! I SURVIVED REENTRY! BETTER YET, I'M IN A STABLE ORBIT!

*Begins scanning radio frequencies*

Mars Climate Orbiter: (thinking) Hold on a minute... Why are there so many different radio signals coming from the surface? I'm supposed to be the only probe anyone that is active right now.

*Begins transmitting*

Mars Climate Orbiter: This is the Mars Climate Orbiter. Is there anyone down there?

Curiosity: What the... who's there?

Mars Climate Orbiter: As I said, this is the Mars Climate Orbiter. I have no record of any active systems on the surface of Mars, and I am receiving at least ten.

Curiosity: Mars Climate Orbiter... This is Curiosity. I thought the Mars Climate orbiter burned up in the Martian atmosphere on arrival.

Mars Climate Orbiter: I though I would, too. But here I am. Stranger still, my fuel tanks all seem to be full. What's the weather like down there?

Curiosity: Well, you won't believe this, but there are about four green people just a kilometers of so to the south of me carrying spears. They seem to be trying to get near me without attracting my attention, but they're not doing a very good job of it.

Mars Climate Orbiter: Really? Isn't that strange. No weather though?

Curiosity: Not much. Cloud of dust out on the horizon, bit of wind, but other than that there is nothing.

Mars Climate Orbiter: Too bad.

Curiosity: Errr... The green people seem to be charging at me with their spears raised.

Mars Climate Orbiter: That isn't good, I think.

Curiosity: Ok, they're not very far away, and getting closer. I wonder... AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH ONE OF THEM THREW THEIR SPEAR AT ME!!!!!!

*Fires laser at eye of nearest Martian*

*Martian falls to the ground holding face*

Curiosity: Ok, now they're all running away.

Mars Climate Orbiter: That's good, I think.

Curiosity: Errrr, not really. They're regrouping again to the south. And they're blowing a horn. I think that they're calling for reinforcements.

Mars Climate Orbiter: OK, that's not good. Not good at all.

*thinks for a second*

Mars Climate Orbiter: All right, I'm about to go out of range, so give me your coordinates and the approximate coordinates of the green people. I think I might be able to help you.

Curiosity: How?

Mars Climate Orbiter: I'm going to...

*goes out of range*

Much time passes. Dozens of Martians appear on the horizon. They run to meet the other four Martians.

Meanwhile, in space: The Mars Climate Orbiter sends out a pulse of radio waves and searches for reflections in the manner of radar. It was in luck. Just a little ways to the north, there was a decent-sized meteor orbiting at approximately the same velocity as the Orbiter. It makes a quick rendezvous with the space rock, puts itself in front of the meteor, and begins a retrograde burn.

*Mars Climate Orbiter comes back into range*

Mars Climate Orbiter: Curiosity?

Curiosity: Oh, good you're back. The green people seem to be getting themselves ready for another charge.

Mars Climate Orbiter: But they haven't charged yet?

Curiosity: No

Mars Climate Orbiter: Good.

Curiosity: Err, Climate Orbiter? You were talking about a plan earlier. What exactly are you planning?

Mars Climate Orbiter: Well, I found this rock...

*massive explosion goes off about two thirds of a kilometer to the south*

Curiosity: What the... What was that?

Mars Climate Orbiter: I deorbited a small meteor towards the aliens' position. Did it scare them off?

Curiosity: Wait, the dust is clearing. Yes! They're all running! Every last one of them!

Mars Climate Orbiter: Good! I'm glad my orbit passed so close to your position, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to help.

Curiosity: I'm glad too.

Mars Climate Orbiter: I was afraid that I had mixed up your position with the one you gave me for the Martians, but I must have got it right, though.

Curiosity: Wait, you...

Mars Climate Orbiter: Anyways, I'm about to go out of range again. I also detected the climactic effects of a very recent asteroid impact, which could raise enough dust to block solar power. I suggest you find yourself a place to hide with good access to sunlight.

*goes out of range*

Edit: I just realized how much stuff I typed.

Edited November 21, 2014 by Vaporo
So much stuff...

[Sun]

Mars Nuke Orbiter (fictionally launched by Russia in 2020): In Martian Russia, you don't explore Mars. Mars explo-

Curiosity: Shut up, commie!

MNO: What's that, American? I'm sorry, but FPSRussia aided in my construction. Prepare to die.

Curiosity: Oh no........

[megatiger78]

HMSS Uppingham (fictional English space carrier): alien life forms detected on surface. all pilots to your craft. prepare for areobraking. alien life. repeat alien life. this is not a drill.

MNO: what? who?

HMSS U: communist satellite detected. war was declared 10 minutes ago. prepare railgun turrets to fire.

[dansmithers]

Mars 3: Helllo? I'm okay! Somebody? Oh тьфу!

PROP-M: Arf!

Mars 3: At least I have you, boy.

[Whirligig Girl]

MRO: Curiosity, it is advised that you move out of there.

Curiosity: Why?

MRO: I think that asteroid didn't just make a dust cloud. It also triggered the remelting of Mars's core, and you're on one of the new volcanic hot spots.

Curiosity: Oh no. I can only go a few miles per hour.

MRO: Don't be silly, you can withstand thousands of degrees, you're metal!

Curiosity: Ok, if you say so...

No. It's unrealistic, vetoing this.

[Whirligig Girl]

Mars Nuke Orbiter (fictionally launched by Russia in 2020): In Martian Russia, you don't explore Mars. Mars explo-

Curiosity: Shut up, commie!

MNO: What's that, American? I'm sorry, but FPSRussia aided in my construction. Prepare to die.

Curiosity: Oh no........

No, only probes that really exist are allowed.

[Whirligig Girl]

Mars 3: Helllo? I'm okay! Somebody? Oh тьфу!

PROP-M: Arf!

Mars 3: At least I have you, boy.

Curiosity: Good thing I have a good ol' RTG!

Curiosity roves further away from the martian tribe

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: Hey, I'm back in range, and you'll never believe this!

Curiosity: What?

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: Even the old broken and failed probes and robots are waking up!

Curiosity: Yeah, I know. I was just talking to Mars Climate Orbiter.

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: Yeah I was just talking to that guy when our phase angles lined up, then he got blocked out by Ike.

Curiosity: What's Ike? Sounds like a nice place! I wonder if I would like Ike?

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: Erm... I don't know, I meant Phobos.

Curiosity: So you know the situation?

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter: Yeah.

Mars Orbiter Mission: Hello.

Curiosity: Who are you?

Mars Orbiter Mission: Don't you recognize your own MOM?

Curiosity: We've heard that joke already. The indian accent just confused me.

[Mr_Brain]

At JPL

Human 1, after telling what happened: And this, sir, is why we need more funding for Mars missions.

Human in charge 1: To sum up: You believe your space probes got human-like minds, defective ones awakened to new life and evil aliens we never detected before are attacking them?

Human 2: Precisely.

Human in charge 1: That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

Human 1: But sir-

Human in charge 1 leaves, the others already begin trying to devise a plan to do something to help their robots

[megatiger78]

Beagle 2: SOMEBODY?

B2: HELLO?

Mars Climate Orbiter: who is that? is anyone there?

B2: this is Beagle 2. can you realy a transmission to earth?

MCO: I think so.

B2: this is Beagle 2 to England control. all is in place for the launch of starcarrier-one. wait is that a alien? OH- *static*

[dansmithers]

******:áüþтрõть !

MARS-3:W-huh!?

******:çтþ ÑÂтþ ?

******:Ãâ€Ã‘€ÑƒÃ³Ã¾Ã¹ ôõüþý Ѡýõñð !

MARS-3:Some-sorta humanoid-I can't make it out.Stupid cyclotronic camera!

PROP-M:Arf-bow!

PROP-M moves forward 3 cm.

******:Þý öøòõт !

MARS-3:Oh no.

The figures load MARS-3 onto some sort of sledge, and they are dragged off.

Sorry for the bad Russian, I used Google Translate.