To Boldly Go Where No Kerbal Has Gone Before...

[kiwi1960]

To make sure you guys don;t consider me a murderer, I even invented a bull**** fantasy crap story line for this...

Two years ago, Kerbal scientists received a message from the cosmos. It was short, and totally undecipherable.

The Kerbal President was alarmed, and ordered KSP and its scientists to "send an idiot there to see what there is..." no matter what the cost. The KSP appointed Jeb Kerman as head of project and they sat down for a month of meetings to sort out how to go about sending an "idiot" on an intergalactic voyage of no return. They agreed on a plan. This is it as follows.

A clone would be grown it a liquid "soup". This clone would be kept unconscious till it was in deep space, the reasons for this will be explained later. Being a clone, his life span would be anywhere from 900 to 1000 years. That was essential because of the long voyage. One witty scientist nick named him "James T. Kerbal" and the name stuck.

Everything James needs to know about how to operate his ship was implanted in his brain via the "soup" He was NOT given any memories about any other Kerbal, this is to ensure loneliness does not affect his tiny brain.

James was moved from his liquid vat into a space suit, along with some of the liquid. The idea being that the liquid would keep him healthy, and provide food for him, a small package was included in his space capsule which would grow mould and other quick growing nutrients which would then be injected into the liquid. This never ending system would provide him with life sustaining food for thousands of years, so it was ideal for his needs for a 1000 year journey.

Oxygen would be provided for by another package, two electrodes placed in water and an electric current passed through it. This created oxygen and hydrogen. The oxygen would be filtered into the liquid in his suit. The hydrogen would be used to keep the food producing package warm enough to encourage rapid growth.

This oxygen/nutrient liquid mix was researched by NASA but they could never convince a human to breathe water, so in the end, they gave up on it... for our purposes, growing a clone in a liquid solves that problem. James would probably die if he were ever removed from the liquid.

James was then placed into a space capsule and inserted into a high Kerbal orbit.

This is where it gets hairy... and this is what I actually did....

Ground control then pointed the capsule in the general direction of the radio signal. 30,000 units of fuel was then expended in a slow burn to build up his speed. The capsule achieved a speed in excess of 60,000 Kms per second. It was a slow burn because I had to keep correcting the course.

When it came time to decouple the empty fuel stage from the capsule, trouble was struck. Investigations later found that Jeb had used the wrong fuel cannisters for the retro rockets. Nothing happened.

Had it worked, the booster stage would have slowed down the booster and either parked it in a solar orbit, or crashed it in to the sun. The scientists did not want the "aliens" to see our booster, however, because there wasn't any fuel, the booster is travelling with the capsule, being held on only by four quantum struts.

(back to the bull**** story line...)

As soon as the capsule left the kerbal system, James was woken up... For all intents and purposes, because he has never known any other Kerbal, James thinks he is alone and always has been. He thinks he has always just... been! His entire universe, as far as he knows, is his space capsule. He requires no sleep, but in a concession designed to ensure he stays alert, if he closes his eyes for more than 15 seconds, he can watch random movies injected directly into his brain. These movies contain no actors, but are different combinations of shapes and colours and sounds! This should, in theory, keep him refreshed.

Implanted in his head is a plan, as soon as he enters an alien solar system, he will push a few buttons. Spot lights on the capsule will be activated to make it stand out, and music will be broadcast to entice the aliens to come and take a closer look. Messages of peace will be broadcast in many languages, computer data of peace messages will also be sent. James will not hear or know any of this.

If any aliens hear the broadcasts and come and look, the shock of realising he is not alone will kill him instantly. That is the theory anyhow. A computer will then take over what happens next. As soon as the aliens get to within a few feet of the capsule, a special message will be played.... this is that message...

"Dear aliens. We do not come in peace, SCREW YOU"

The capsule will then explode and hopefully take the aliens with it. If not, then there will be hell to pay.

An instant before detonation, a signal will be sent back to Kerbal, yes, it will take years and years for it to arrive. It will contain video footage of the encounter, along with any messages coming from the aliens vessel. The coordinates will also be included.

When the signal arrives, memorial services will be held for James T. Kerbal. Scientists will examine the data and then decide what should be done next.

BUT WHY?

Because in 90% of any movie ever made, aliens are bad news... for once, Kerbals will get the first punch in...

The only thing Jeb is concerned about.... if they CAN retrace the path of the capsule, then maybe there is a battle fleet headed their way now, and before they destroy kerbal, will send one message... "What the feck was that all about?"

END.

The REAL world non bull**** story as to why I did this....

I just wanted to f**k with a kerbal.....

Bon Voyage, James, God Speed and Good luck.

Edited November 18, 2013 by kiwi1960

[panzerknoef]

Lol interesting story anyway