I'm writing a book, what do you guys think so far?

[TheDataMiner]

Deleted for now

Edited June 24, 2014 by TheDataMiner
paragraphs

[Legendary Emu]

An age yet to come. An age long past. A wind rose over South America. It was not the beginning. But it was a beginning.

Sarcasm aside. That's an interesting story.

[TheDataMiner]

This is just the prologue, if got two other chapters written, but they still need more editing before they are ready to be posted.

[FenrirWolf]

Seems like it could be fun. Could use paragraphs or line breaks in general though.

[Duxwing]

It's confusing, wordy, and weird: start with a clear premise, simplify your text, and skip the symbolism. A rewrite:

--

"Four men unsteadily tramped through the Amazon. They wore heavy packs, thin, brown-green, cargo jeans, thick boots, and white shirts peeking through light, unbuttoned rain jackets. One man stopped and upward beheld the narrow beams of light shining through the leaves. He pulled a crumpled, red bandana from his pants pocket and wiped his sweaty brow, "Let's rest".

The others stopped, nodded, and with him slung their packs and sat against the trees. Another produced a small tablet and sighed, "Two miles to the ruins."

"Good," another replied, "I was unsure when I thought I saw the old road a while back."

"How could you tell? It would be over a hundred years old by now," the third asked.

The second wiped his brow, "The forest seemed sparser."

They silently crunched granola bars and recovered from their long trek until the fourth rose and donned his pack, "Time to go."

The others did likewise and resumed trekking. Branches and leaves snapped and cracked under clumsy foot--the first man tripped to the ground!

"You okay?" The third man asked.

"Yes, I'm fine--hey, look at this!" He grabbed something off the ground.

"What?"

"It looks like a metal cord." His eyes followed it to a sickly yellow gas descending, "What the h-" a fit of coughing and hacking stifled him. Tears running, he turned: his companions were as well! He panickly inhaled the scorching air, falling to his knees and next his face, and heaved a last, shaky breath.

--

Spelling and Grammar

-"follow" means to move with whereas "fallow" means not planted in

-No commas precede conjoined, subordinate clauses; e.g., "I went to the store and bought eggs" not "I went to the store, and bought eggs"

Style

-Hit 'return' after finishing each piece of dialogue

-Books are not movies: simultaneous detail distracts.

Plot

-Ancient ruins. Knockout gas. Guys get kidnapped by aliens/ancients/government. Death in captivity, break-out, or broken-out. Weird symbolism. The plot is cliche.

Sci-Fi

-Where is the science? Where is the cool technology? Bring something interesting and important (i.e., not some gimmick).

Characters

-Who are these guys? Just dumb monkeys in suits?

-Where are the female characters?

-Why do I care what happens to these people?

-Duxwing

Edited May 8, 2014 by Duxwing

[TheDataMiner]

Chapter 1 is up

[Legendary Emu]

First off; I have absolutely no idea what is going on with the world at the current time. Is there a reason everyone dumped a whole bunch of money into a space ship that goes to a nearby star? Somehow everyone thinks that space is worth spending billions of dollars and decided stick a bunch of teenagers on it based on a system we don't know if they signed up voluntarily or not? I NEED ANSWERS, MAN.

[TheDataMiner]

It's confusing, wordy, and weird: start with a clear premise, simplify your text, and skip the symbolism. A rewrite:

--

"Four men unsteadily tramped through the Amazon. They wore heavy packs, thin, brown-green, cargo jeans, thick boots, and white shirts peeking through light, unbuttoned rain jackets. One man stopped and upward beheld the narrow beams of light shining through the leaves. He pulled a crumpled, red bandana from his pants pocket and wiped his sweaty brow, "Let's rest".

The others stopped, nodded, and with him slung their packs and sat against the trees. Another produced a small tablet and sighed, "Two miles to the ruins."

"Good," another replied, "I was unsure when I thought I saw the old road a while back."

"How could you tell? It would be over a hundred years old by now," the third asked.

The second wiped his brow, "The forest seemed sparser."

They silently crunched granola bars and recovered from their long trek until the fourth rose and donned his pack, "Time to go."

The others did likewise and resumed trekking. Branches and leaves snapped and cracked under clumsy foot--the first man tripped to the ground!

"You okay?" The third man asked.

"Yes, I'm fine--hey, look at this!" He grabbed something off the ground.

"What?"

"It looks like a metal cord." His eyes followed it to a sickly yellow gas descending, "What the h-" a fit of coughing and hacking stifled him. Tears running, he turned: his companions were as well! He panickly inhaled the scorching air, falling to his knees and next his face, and heaved a last, shaky breath.

--

Spelling and Grammar

-"follow" means to move with whereas "fallow" means not planted in

-No commas precede conjoined, subordinate clauses; e.g., "I went to the store and bought eggs" not "I went to the store, and bought eggs"

Style

-Hit 'return' after finishing each piece of dialogue

-Books are not movies: simultaneous detail distracts.

Plot

-Ancient ruins. Knockout gas. Guys get kidnapped by aliens/ancients/government. Death in captivity, break-out, or broken-out. Weird symbolism. The plot is cliche.

Sci-Fi

-Where is the science? Where is the cool technology? Bring something interesting and important (i.e., not some gimmick).

Characters

-Who are these guys? Just dumb monkeys in suits?

-Where are the female characters?

-Why do I care what happens to these people?

-Duxwing

1. Thanks for the advice, I could use it.

2. I don't think you quite understand what is going on, but that's OK, I just need to be more clear about whats happening.

3. The plot has almost nothing to do with these guys, they just serve to point something out to the reader, which you will see in coming chapters, and to set the tone.

4. there isn't any symbolism here, I was just trying to describe the setting thoroughly.

5.Why'd you edit out the last part about the bird on the canisters, it's going to be important later on!

First off; I have absolutely no idea what is going on with the world at the current time. Is there a reason everyone dumped a whole bunch of money into a space ship that goes to a nearby star? Somehow everyone thinks that space is worth spending billions of dollars and decided stick a bunch of teenagers on it based on a system we don't know if they signed up voluntarily or not? I NEED ANSWERS, MAN.

1. It's called a draft, it was not voluntary

2. the reason for drafting people of such wildly varying ages is to stagger births on the generation ship, so you won't, say, have empty classrooms one year, and then overflowing the next, and generally to have less strain on just about everything.

All your other questions shall soon be answered, i'm doing doing final editing on the second chapter and will have it up soon

Edited May 8, 2014 by TheDataMiner

[Duxwing]

1. Thanks for the advice, I could use it.

2. I don't think you quite understand what is going on, but that's OK, I just need to be more clear about whats happening.

3. The plot has almost nothing to do with these guys, they just serve to point something out to the reader, which you will see in coming chapters, and to set the tone.

4. there isn't any symbolism here, I was just trying to describe the setting thoroughly.

5.Why'd you edit out the last part about the bird on the canisters, it's going to be important later on!

1 - You're welcome.

2 - You do!

3 - Ok.

4 - Readers already know what the Amazon rainforest is.

5 - Because I thought it was symbolism. Curse my English education!

Also: PARAGRAPHS!

-Duxwing

[TheDataMiner]

chapter 2 is up + PARAGRAPHS!

this is the last chapter I had already written, so no new ones for a while

Edited May 8, 2014 by TheDataMiner

[Legendary Emu]

It's much easier to read now! I like how it's coming along. Also, please excuse my nitpickyness. I keep going all crazy on things that aren't complete yet.

[air805ronin]

My only issue is the dialogue. A general rule is when you have a new speaker, you give them their own paragraph. It aids the reader in knowing a new speaker is speaking and generally helps with clarity and flow.

Helpful dialogue guidelines: http://litreactor.com/columns/talk-it-out-how-to-punctuate-dialogue-in-your-prose

That said, I think you are much better in describing things than I am.

Edited May 8, 2014 by air805ronin