The HypeTrain Express

[Whirligig Girl]

All aboard! All aboard!

Tickets please, tickets

Well, you coming?

It’s a science-mobile on a rail

Never takes a rest

Flying through the mountains into space!

Ride for free and join the fun

(You can ride for free)

If you just say yes!

Cause that’s the way things happen

On the HypeTrain Express

You bet!

Wooo wooo the whistle blows

That’s the sound of her singing

Ding ding the bell will ring

Golly look at her go!

You wonder if you’ll get there soon

Anybody’s guess

Cause that’s the way things happen

On the HypeTrain Express

When we get there we’ll scream “Yes!†(Yeah)

We’ll arrive with a bang bang bang

boom boom boom

'Cause my name is Jeb!

It’s a choo choo with a stunning view

That rivals all the best

And you will always see it advertised

It’s a multi track we'll drift, a FACT!

Though sometimes we digress

But that can only happen on the HypeTrain Express

Hiss hiss the steam hisses

That’s the sound of her breathing

Clang clang the boiler bangs

What a wonderful show!

With a comfy seat and lots of heat

Boy is this the best!

Wish it wouldn’t ever have to end

With a little luck we’ll be on time

There’s no need to stress

Cause that’s the way things happen

On the HypeTrain Express

Stars are shining, in the universe

You’re not dreaming

May I present: Beta Than Ever!

If Interior you want to view

You surely haven’t guessed

That will come sometime later

With a little luck we’ll be on time

There’s no need to stress

Cause that’s the way things happen

On the HypeTrain Express

Boom boom the whistle blows

That’s the sound of her singing

Ding ding the bell will ring

Golly look at her go!

If you want to join us come along

I’ll check CrewManifest

Cause that’s the way things happen

On the HypeTrain Express

When we get there we’ll scream “Yes!†(Yeah)

We’ll arrive with a bang bang bang boom boom boom

'Cause my name is Jeb!

If you want to join us come along

You can be our guest

Cause that’s the way things happen

On the Running... Banging... the HYPE-TRAIN Express

Next stop Zero Point Ninety

HypeTrainStation

Next stop Zero Point Ninety

HypeTrainStation

Ahh ahhh ahh that is not a simulation sir

That is not a sim,

Take your seats please

Take your seats

Edited December 11, 2014 by GregroxMun
One of the "Polar"s wasn't changed to "HypeTrain" in the lyrics.

[Whirligig Girl]

(I can confirm that the HypeTrain has separately mounted wheel axles.)

[Whirligig Girl]

Also, this: HypeTrain 0.90.0: Race to the North Pole of Mars. In time for Marsmas. Which changes every year. So we don’t know WHEN we need to get there. All I know is that it’s somewhere in Decembaamars.

Jeb: Man, screw this Marsmas stuff! Face-On-Mars Claus isn’t even REAL!

Valentina: But… sure he is! I have pictures!

Jeb: Pfffffft!

Later

Jeb is sleeping in his room, when he awakens at the sound of EXPLOSIONS.

Jeb: Whaaa?

Hype07A: All aboard! Alllllll aboard!

GregroxMun: That’s my job!

Hype07A: But you’re the driver!

GregroxMun: I know, I’m also the conductor.

Hype07A: grumbgrumble

GregroxMun: Oh, finally, here he is. An offworlder eh? Kerbal?

Jeb: Yeah, why?

GregroxMun: This is your crucial year. No ticket to Face-On-Mars Claus, made your sister put out the ‘Nog and Cookess, and… Openly admits to Amartheism?

Jeb: Yeah, I’m a follower of the SpaceKraken.

GregroxMun: I would think about getting on this train.

Jeb: What? No! Creep!

GregroxMun: Fine, you’ll miss out on the ‘splosions.

Jeb: Fine.

GregroxMun: Oops, too late.

Hype07A: Departing now!

The train departs, Doppler effects visible.

Jeb: WAIT!

Jeb runs, jetpack flaring, just as the HypeTrain lifts off. He barely makes it on the train.

GregroxMun: I knew you’d make it.

Jeb: Shouldn’t you be driving the train?

GregroxMun: Oh, crap you’re right!

GregroxMun runs up into the turbolift to the cab of the HypeTrain.

When suddenly: SPAAAAAAACE!

Bill: Hey you, you there.

Jeb: What?

Bill: You know what kinda train this is?

Jeb: A… Hype Train?

Bill: Well, DUH, it’s a Hype Train. I mean what kind of locomotive it is.

Jeb: Erm…

Bill: It’s a Gresley A1, built in 1921 under the LNER and…

Jeb tunes Bill out.

Emmany: Just ignore him. He’s always like that.

Jeb: What do you think I’m doing?

Emmany: I don’t know. You look like a dork.

Jeb: I’m not a dork. I’m a Kerbal.

Emmany: Kay.

When suddenly… NOT ON TRACKS!!!!!111!!!111!!!!2!1

Also Jeb and Emmany are outside the HypeTrain, hanging onto the roof, and Emmany lost her E-ticket and Jeb has the passcode slip in his boot and there was a ghost of a past Jeb and everything.

GregroxMun: What the heck! We’re not on the tracks anymore! We need tracks for multi-track drifting! Also for staying on course. Ahhhhh!

Jeb: What the heck?

GregroxMun: Crap. I just flipped a mini-black hole control circuit out of the window. Aaaaaand now it’s expansing somehow.

Jeb: Well… TURN THIS TRAIN AROUND!

GregroxMun: I AM!

Jeb: LEFT

The HypeWheels turn in opposite directions to turn like a tank.

Jeb: RIGHT

LEFT!

LEFT!

RIGHT!

UP!

DOWN!

PROGRADE!

RETROGRADE!

NORMAL!

RETROGRADE!

DOWN!

LEFT!

ANTINORMAL!

UP!

RADIAL IN

RADIAL OUT

NORMAL!

PROGRADE!

RETROGRADE!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

GregroxMun: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

When suddenly, TRACKS! And just before the last coach entered the event horizon. And thus, Shimmy was born.

Hype07A: I forgot I was alive! Cool!

GregroxMun: High Gravity interferes with your brain. Might want to get that fixed.

When later, at the north pole of Mars.

Also, Jeb and Bill and Bob and Emmany where in the last coach of the Train and that got decoupled and the Brake-less Brakevan uncoupled from that and there was a Marsmas Present Factory with one of those coin-drop things at the mall except huge and then they got back to the Train.

GregroxMun: I’m cold.

Hype07A: Put on a space suit.

GregroxMun: NO!

Face-On-Mars Claus: Jeb, what do you want for Christmas? You get the first Present for some reason.

Jeb: First of all, I now believe in you Face-On-Mars-Claus because I saw you through a jingle bell that had no sound or something.

Face-On-Mars Claus: Ho ho ho. What do you want?

Jeb: I want…

Jeb whispers into Face-On-Mars Claus’ ear.

Face-On-Mars Claus: Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho

Jeb: Face-On-Mars Claus?

Face-On-Mars Claus: Ho ho ho… oh yes, of course.

Face-On-Mars Claus gives Jeb a USB drive.

Later on the Train:

Various other passengers: What did you get?

Jeb: reaches into pocket, realizes it fell out of his pocket. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Later, Jeb arrives back home.

Suddenly: MORNING!

Valentina: WAKE UP JEB!

Jeb: What a dream.

Valentina: MARSMAS!

All of the presents are being opened, including a train set of a Flying Scotsman. A flying train set. Finally, Valentina reaches for the last present.

Valentina: Here’s one last present… it’s for you, Jeb!

Jeb: Oh?

Jeb opens the box, finding the USB flashdrive.

Jeb: Huh? Could it be?

Jeb plugs the flash drive into the computer.

Jeb’s Mom & Dad: Oh, We’re sorry bud, the USB must be broken…

Jeb: What?

The flashdrive loads up KSP 0.90.0, clearly visible in the lower right corner.

Jeb: It’s fine…

Jeb’s Mom & Dad: It’s just a crashed loading screen, kid.

Valentina: Oh, cool! KSP 0.90.0? Neat!

Jebediah kerman in the future: While my parents did not know the magic of Marsmas, and indeed even my friends would later delete 0.90.0 from their computers, even my sister had to clear her hard drive. But I always kept a stable copy of 0.90.0 on my computer, and could always see a stable loading screen. Because I. Could Truly. Beleeeeev.

Story End!

[Thomas988]

The Hypetrain! It's back! 0.90, here we come!

Anyways, hilarious stuff you've got here. I loved the song, just so...perfect! You're a natural writer, and your stuff is awesome!

[Whirligig Girl]

Just watched The Polar Express. Then I read this, and it's even funnier.