Advice for dealing with rejection?

[Deutherius]

It's hard giving advice on a subject like this. I mean, it's easy to give advice, it's hard to give a good advice. We don't have all the necessary info to judge the case fairly. Everyone also has their own biases.

That being said, I'd advise you to move on ASAP, by any means necessary. Worst thing that can happen to you is getting stuck in a circle of false hopes and painful rejection while being someone's rebound/second pick (also, the guy she's getting back with probably won't like you too much). I've been there, and the longer you stay the harder it is to get up again. As others have said, it gets better with time - just find a way to distract yourself for the time being, especially with activities that don't let you think about this too much.

Good luck, I hope it gets better soon

[CelticCossack51]

I was in that position before, except things were different. I was trying to make friends with a girl, but these people, 'spectators', were thinking a bit different and thought this was going beyond a friendship, in which I believe was not. They basically said no friendship and threw it to Jeb to 'take care' of it in a rocket, all with laughs and humiliation. One of them was a friend and still a friend, because I take minor revenge on him quite a lot, which means this event will take a decade's worth of revenge. I don't know if it was rejection, but I haven't seen her in months so I guess it might as well be.

Anyway, It may be tough to see something perfect drifting away from you, but there should eventually be another door of opportunity that could be just as good as the first one.

Edited March 12, 2015 by CelticCossack51

[Rosco P. Coltrane]

Those of us over certain age have probably tons of these rejection events under our belt. So basically what I have to say, as others have:

1) Get used to it, it's highly unlikely the last time you get to be rejected as it's normal to all people, it happens to everybody... expect Brad Pitt maybe.

2) Let it go, stop thinking about it and go live your life. It's easy to go into thinking something is one heck of a big deal when it really isn't. If you're in your early 20s, then it isn't. Guaranteed. You might feel like crap right now, but 10 years from now you'll have to think hard to remember the name of the girl.

[Dman979]

Welp, I think both you and her are in really difficult situations then.

Yes, I guess so.

Possible things that may be going on:

1. She just needed a friend to hang out with after the break up, and she had fun with you. She did not think you as more than a friend, but she noticed you seem to like her after the first time, and that question was for confirmation so she know for sure if you are just hanging out as a friend, or if you are still pinning on her and probably find a way to let you down a bit easier so she can still keep a friend, but then you asked her out again, and well, things happened. Probably was very awkward for her too. So she say something about getting back to the other guy to ease the awkwardness a bit, like saying "it is not like I turn you down personally, I just still have feeling with the other guy, don't take it too hard."

That may have been the case, but I don't understand how it would make it any less awkward for me. Maybe for her?

2. She is actually still technically dating the other guy, and their "breakup" was just temporary. Sometimes happen after a fight. The worst case scenario was that you were just being used as a rebound, though she could have gone much further if that is the case. She could actually still be thinking of the other guy when she talk with you and her signal was not meant for you. One of the possible thought process she might have goes like this: "Sometimes I feel kind of lonely being single..(cause I miss him, I hope we can get back soon. But oh gosh if I say that it would sound like I am desperate for attention on my break up like some kind of drama queen, and like, why am I even thinking about him now ? We broke up! I should be angry about this, he should apologize to me ins- oh wait my friend is saying something, better not leave him there) So yeah, I appreciate your companion." Part in bracket is inner thoughts . (disclaimer: probably not everyone think the same was as I portray or say the same thing, but I hope that provide some perspective of what *might* have happened) See how easily misunderstood it is, especially when coupled with your heart struck state of mind?

Again, I think I understand what you're saying. The "Drama Queen" part may be spot-on, as she kept saying how much she hated drama. And yes, body language especially can be misunderstood.

Then you took those misunderstood signals and sending back signals that you still like her. She picked that up, and well, she realized she should do something to clear that and ask if you still like her as a confirmation, instead of being an idiot saying things in the case you didn't even like her. And things happened.

Ok, I'm still following you. What made it a little harder for me was the email she sent me the day before, with a bunch of hearts and stuff.

Here's a hard question: was the typo intentional? I know that I can't resist correcting typos. Was it a test to see how I would interpret it? When I pressed her about it, she dodged the question. In the emails, she didn't mention it, and in person, she said "I don't know what you're talking about."

Relationship sure is a pain huh? =/ Not easy for either side.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

It would be real nice if you can stay as friends, but in the case that you can't, then keep distance, but tell her why, or she might thought you are actually mad at her, and she being apologetic about things can be misinterpreted by you again and the vicious cycle continues. Keep lines of communication clear. It helps things like this a lot.

I am probably going to keep my distance. Yeah, if she talks to me I'll respond, but I've stopped emailing her and talking on the train.

Another question: how do girls expect guys to respond to rejection? I don't quite understand how you can say "It's not personal": for me, at least, it's very personal.

[Sampa]

I am probably going to keep my distance. Yeah, if she talks to me I'll respond, but I've stopped emailing her and talking on the train.

Another question: how do girls expect guys to respond to rejection? I don't quite understand how you can say "It's not personal": for me, at least, it's very personal.

I think a part of it is comes into the two different mind sets in which men and women view life (the Pink and Blue Spectrum). This spectrum is the source of many misunderstandings because men and women are wired so differently. For a girl to say, "It's not personal...", I believe they mean it! However, when the male mind hears it, we tend to respond very rashly. In the same sense, we tend to see one set of signals that women are giving which they intend for one thing as something completely different! It is this second thing that I have had the honor of falling on my face over not once, but TWICE! I am starting to notice that a lot of men are answering this. Can we get a woman's perspective on this thread, please?

[RainDreamer]

Here's a hard question: was the typo intentional? I know that I can't resist correcting typos. Was it a test to see how I would interpret it? When I pressed her about it, she dodged the question. In the emails, she didn't mention it, and in person, she said "I don't know what you're talking about."

Kind of unlikely. I mean what else can you interpret it as? And this doesn't sound like mind game or traps for me. Really possibly it could be a typo that she either didn't bother to fix, or that she was quite emotional in that situation and didn't pay attention. But, uh...it is probably something she want to forget considering how awkward it is for both of you, and probably she doesn't want to talk about it anymore, and you pressing on it might not be helping. In fact, the more you press about it, the more annoying it will be and she might grow to hate that. Choose the right time and the right place. And it is up to you for that.

Another question: how do girls expect guys to respond to rejection? I don't quite understand how you can say "It's not personal": for me, at least, it's very personal.

Well, I don't think that is a question you can just ask to get an answer that is representative to the whole population. Or in other word, it is depending on the girl you are talking about. For me personally, I just hope we can move on with our lives normally. If the person was a close friend, I would want to remain as friends and have fun, like before. I know that reality doesn't always fit with my hope, though.

And when I say "it's not personal" I mean, she is not personally targeting you, stringing you up for a rejection. It is a matter of personal relationship, but it is not like she hate you and you alone or something like that. It's...argh, complicate.

Say, if I am being asked out by a friend and I don't have the same feeling for that friend, it is a really hard situation for me. I don't want to hurt that friend, but I also don't want to accept, because well, I don't feel that way! And going with it would just be bad for both of us in the end when the feeling isn't genuine. And things get even more complicated if I have prior relationship with another person, even if I have feelings for the one asking. A lot of thoughts would be going through my mind, like: Would going out with another person right after a breakup would make me look like someone who swap partner like clothes? Would people suspect that I am using my partner as a rebound? Would the person asking me suspect that too later on? Am I actually subconsciously doing that if I accept? What about all my feelings for the previous partner? Is it all meaningless? Do I have the same feeling for this person like the one before? Is that a good thing? Do I really feel that or I am just desperate and imagining things? Then again, is the person asking me just taking advantage of me when I am vulnerable? Are they being friend with me because they want to date me? Did they expect me to break up?

And so on..

Let just say it is a huuuge mess going on with these things and a lot of emotional baggage to sort out. Most of it doesn't relate to the person asking me out personally. I don't usually think specifically: "No, I don't want this particular person" unless someone truly deserve it. It is just a swarm of anxiety and doubts and fears that weights on my mind at the same time with my messed up feelings that I still have to try to figure out that cause me want to back out. And I might sound horrible saying this, but when facing with all the things above, usually, rejection is much easier, especially when I am suddenly pressed for an answer. It is just a safe way out, with less string attached, and everything ends at that point. Sometimes I might regret what I did, but I usually find it in myself being able to move on.

It is usually best to wait for a while for things to calm down before you do anything. How long? Welp, that is something you have to figure out on your own. Relationship sucks.

Final notes, you seem to take consider a lot of her non-word communications in emails/chat seriously. Now, I don't know her, and I won't claim to understand her better than you. But usually, those things are meaningless. All those "<3", "xoxo"(kisses and hugs), a variety of emoticons, are no different than "lol". Especially in casual chat with friends. Sometimes they might be used in romantic context...but to figure that out is really depending on both the receiver and the sender and then the message itself. To avoid all that, go face to face. Clear things waaay better.

-----

Off topic: somehow I came to a forum about a game where you launch green alien to space and learn rocket science to do relationship advices. Not that I mind, but the internet is truly a marvel to behold.

Lets end this post with a good old classic:

Edited March 14, 2015 by RainDreamer

[Dman979]

Ok. Thanks for the insights.

And thanks to everyone who posted

[vger]

Off topic: somehow I came to a forum about a game where you launch green alien to space and learn rocket science to do relationship advices. Not that I mind, but the internet is truly a marvel to behold.

It's not so weird if you think about it.

Assuming humanity survives, we will one day break down matter to it's tiniest level. We will find ways around the laws of physics and explore other planets and galaxies. We will dive into a wormhole and emerge from it unscathed. We will explore the mantle of the Earth and penetrate the surface of the sun. We will discover life forms beyond our Earth. We will harness fusion energy. We will cure cancer. But by the time we've passed through the largest concentration of cosmic background radiation and and emerged out the other side to confirm the shape of our expanding universe, we will STILL be scratching our heads about the opposite gender.

[Bill Phil]

It's not so weird if you think about it.

Assuming humanity survives, we will one day break down matter to it's tiniest level. We will find ways around the laws of physics and explore other planets and galaxies. We will dive into a wormhole and emerge from it unscathed. We will explore the mantle of the Earth and penetrate the surface of the sun. We will discover life forms beyond our Earth. We will harness fusion energy. We will cure cancer. But by the time we've passed through the largest concentration of cosmic background radiation and and emerged out the other side to confirm the shape of our expanding universe, we will STILL be scratching our heads about the opposite gender.

Sums it up well...

[GoSlash27]

Old man advice (take it for what it's worth), but IMO if you're not getting rejected every once in a while, you're not trying hard enough.

If she's not interested, then she's not the one.

Best,

-Slashy