Duna Ultrabase

[Quasar]

Radio: [static] "[kksshhhh kklick]... ah, Shub Niggurath! I was wondering when you'd get back. Did you complete the mission?"
        
Asicca: "Buh? Control? Good to hear from you! Where's Gene?"
        
Radio: "Gene is currently... indisposed. How went the mission? Did you bring back the parts?"
        
Asicca: "... everything's fine, control. Mission successful, lots of science, but we ran out of Oxidiser before we could dock with KSC."
        
Radio: "Out of oxidiser? Okay, that's fine. We've prepared a recovery vessel to bring you and the cargo home. Control out."
        
The radio went silent.
        
Asicca: "... well that's not good."
        
------
        
[later, in the crew compartment]
        
Asicca: "Guys, I think someone's trying to steal our magic launch clamp."
        
Valentina: "Ooh, this sounds interesting. Why do you think that?"
        
Asicca: "The voice on the radio wasn't Gene or Qu. have you ever heard *anybody* except one of those two giving the orders at mission control? Oh, and he also said Gene was "indisposed"."
         
Danny: "Oooh, ouch. Yeah, that's definately villain talk. They teach you that in evil school. That means he's dead."
        
[collective gasp from the crew]
        
Danny: "... or... tied up in the basement, if you prefer? I mean, anything's possible."
        
----
        
Meanwhile, tied up in the basement of Kerbal Space Center.
        
Gene: "I told you not to let them in!"
        
Qu: "They said they had cookies!"
        
Gene: "They were wearing balaclava's and carrying weapons!"
        
Qu: "They had trustworthy voices."
        
Gene: "I hate you so much."
        
Suddenly the door clangs open. A huge, buff kerbal with a hood over his head walks in and towers over the prisoners menacingly. He slowly pulls something out from behind his back...
        
Hoodded Kerbal: "Here. I got you the cookies you asked for."
        
Qu: "Oh wow, chocolate chip! See, Gene? These guys aren't so bad."
        
Gene: "We are currently tied up in the basement and they have taken over the Space Center! Those cookies are probably poisoned or something!"
        
Qu: [munch munch] "Well if you don't want any..."
        
Gene: "I didn't say that."
        
------
        

Back aboard the Stubby-Niggurath....

Valentina: "Okay then, so... this is bad. What do we do?"
        
Bob: "Well the good news is, they probably will send up a recovery ship like they said. They wouldn't have promised that if they didn't have anything ready. Our people must have left something on the launch pad before they took over."

Valentina: "Okay, but they'll control it, so if we board it it'll land us at their headquarters, and next thing you know we're in some dark room with electrodes on all our sensitive bits." 

Bob: "Eep."

        
Kertrid: "Um... thank you for that poignant mental image, Commander, but I think it's probably safe to hop aboard the recovery ship. They're not interested in us, they just want the device. So that makes it our job to keep it from them and get it safely to... lemme see... the rightful owners are Kerman & Kerman Orbit and Surface Structures."

Valentina: "Alright. Idea's, anyone?"

Danny: "Why don't we just let them have it?"

[silence]

Danny: "What? Somebody's got to suggest these things. And you all know I'm evil now so it might as well be me. Stop giving me that look!"

Asicca: "I think I have a better idea. Commander, do you think the clamp will follow us if we go on EVA?"

Valentina: "Ooh, let's find out!"

------

Valentina: "Hi there, clampy! Wanna come with me?

Valentina: "Yay, it's following me! Where to now?"

Asicca: "Excellent! Can you take it over to Kerbin Space Station?"

Valentina: "Oooooh, now I see where you're going with this..."

Valentina: "Whoa! Hey cool! I have super-strength!"

Asicca: "You what?"

Valentina: "I accidentally bumped the space station on the way in and sent it spinning!"

Bob: "Oh... oh! I get it now, that's how it's moving! It's transferring it's mass to you, rendering it effectively massless and resulting in it staying in your reference frame! It's a mass negating drive!"

Asicca: "No, wait, that doesn't make sense. If had more mass, it would take more thrust to move. We'd have noticed that."

Bob: "Not if our fuel was also increasing in mass. Same amount of relative thrust. No wonder they want it!"

Asicca: "That's... actually really cool. What about the teleporting though?"

Bob: "Oh yeah, the teleporting..." [shrug] "Yeah, no idea."

Valentina: "You nerds done nerding yet? I've sent a message to Kerman and Kerman and I'm heading off now. Oh, and I think the bad guys are contacting you..."

------

Radio: "Mission Control to Shub Niggurath. The Quisling 1 is enroute. I'll ask you to transfer both mission critical parts to it when it arrives, then board and prepare for re-entry."

Bob: "Affirmative mission control. We will do exactly what you say and absolutely nothing else."

Radio: "That's... an odd way to phrase that, but okay."

[ksht]

Kertrid: "I see the recovery craft. Starboard."

Hayemma: "Oh cool, it's got a mining rig! We'll be able to refuel Shubby from asteroids."

Asicca: "Oh thank god."

Bob: "Alright then. It's coming in to dock. I'll grab the experiments. Everyone get ready to board."

[some time later]

Bob: "Okay control, we're ready for deorbit."

Radio: "I'm sorry, crew? I thought there was another part? And why hasn't Valentina Kerman boarded?"

Valentina: [ksshhh!] "HA HAAAH!"

Valentina: "You idiots! You thought you could trick us, but we saw right through your disguise!"

Radio: "What? Dammit! You knew?!"

Valentina: "Ha ha yes! As we speak, I am re-entering the atmosphere aboard a KSS escape pod! Kerman and Kerman already knows our projected flightpath! They'll be there long before you can organise a recovery effort!"

Valentina: "You'll never get your eeeeevil hands on this launch clamp!"

Radio: "Wait, what? Launch clamp?"

Valentina: "Yes! The... magic launch clamp... you're trying to steal?"

Radio: "Why on Kerbin would we want to steal a stupid launch clamp?"

Valentina: "Uhh... what?"

Radio: "And you call us idiots. We're not after that. We want..."

Radio: "... THE DOOMSDAY BOOSTER!"

Valentina: "... oh. Guys, I think we screwed up."

Asicca: "Ya think?"

Radio: "Yes! With THE DOOMSDAY BOOSTER in our possession, we will ransom the Kerbal government for all the funds!!"

Bob: "All the funds?"

Radio: "ALL THE FUNDS!!! And if we don't get them we will BOOST THE PLANET INTO THE SUN!!!!!"

Bob: "I'm pretty sure that's not even plausible..."

Radio: "MWAHAHAHAHAHAH! But before we do that, we will land you all at our headquarters, put you in a dark room and attach electrodes to all your s-"

Asicca: "Okay, that's quite enough of that. I'm afraid you're not getting the booster either."

Radio: "Enough bluffing! Your plan has failed! You are already being de-orbited! We have balaclava's and also guns! You cannot hope to win!"

Radio: "We will get THE DOOMSDAY BOOSTER and there's nothing you, or any Kerbal, can do to stop us!"

Asicca: [snigger] "Oh this is priceless."

Hayemma: "Perfect timing! I see the cavalry on radar, boss. Coming in fast."

Radio: "What?!"

Asicca: "Everyone brace for impact!"

[WHAM]

Radio: "What? No no NOOO!"

Turtle: "Your orders, mistress?"

Asicca: "Quick, quick! Say "I am no kerbal" as loudly as possible."

Turtle: "I AM NO KERBAL!"

Asicca: "Okay that was fun. Turtle, if you could just deorbit us over the HQ of Moving Parts Experts Group... we've got a delivery for them."

Turtle: "Certainly, mistress. It is a pleasure to serve."

Radio: "CURSE YOU ASICCA KERMAN! CUUUURRSEE YOOOOU!"

------

Gene: "Mission Control to Shub-Nig-"

Qu: [munch] [munch] "Hey guys!"

Bob: "Gene! Qu! You're alive! What happened down there?"

Qu: [munch] [munch] "They ran away. Even let us keep the cookies!"

Asicca: "How'd you escape?"

Qu: "Gene gnawed through the rope."

Gene: "That wasn't an escape attempt, I was just starving. You wouldn't let me have any of the cookies!"

Asicca: "Well, it's a relief to hear you are all alive. Could we ask a favor?"

Gene: "What do you need?"

Asicca: "We've got a solid rocket booster... that is apparently also some sort of doomsday device? ... sticking through our heat shield. Could you run some simulations?"

Qu: "The booster is a doomsday device? I knew it!"

Asicca: "Uh, those simulations? It's kind of urgent."

Qu: "Yeah yeah, gimme a sec..." [munch] [munch]... "okay, don't worry. Situation is nominal."

Joevey: "Oh god we're all going to die."

Qu: "Nah, you're fine. A bit of spinning during re-entry..."

Asicca: "How much spinning?"

Qu: "Relax. Not too much."

Qu: "You don't actually have anything to worry about anything until the parachutes open."

Asicca: "Uh... what's going to happen when-"

Asicca: "... the parachutes open?"

Qu: "Oh just hang on to something, you'll be fine."

------

Everyone: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Asicca: "EJECT THE HEATSHIELD! EJECT THE HEATSHIELD!"

Joevey: "I"M TRYING! I CAN'T... REACH... THE BUTTON..."

[Kthunk]

Everyone: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Asicca: "IT DIDN'T STOP SPINNING!"

Joevey: "I NOTICED!"

[Vwoosh]

Asicca: "Okay, who threw up all over the cabin? Fess up."

Bob: "... I think literally all of us did."

Asicca: "Yeah. Yeah I can believe that."

Asicca: "But we're alive. That's what matters, right? KSC, we're alive and ready to be recovered. Bring a towel, please."

------

A successful mission, and enough science to collapse under it's own gravity! But I can't help but feel like I've forgotten about something in all the excitement...

------

[several days later]

... oh that's right. Valentina.

We recovered a bored and somewhat grumpy Valentina from the ocean, and asked her where the launch clamp ended up. She pointed upwards. 

The clamp itself had stopped moving 1200m above the surface. Sadly I was unable to recover it from that position, so I simply edited the save to register it as landed.

I suppose I could have flown some sort of grabby plane out to it, but by this stage I was done with it. Even if I had been able to grab it, I'm pretty sure it was 'fixed' to Kerbin by this stage, so I wouldn't have been able to move it. Kerman and Kerman can work out how to bring it home themselves.

Edited July 30, 2016 by Quasar

[Just Jim]

Wow... that was fun!  Great use of the launch clamp bug...  assuming it was a bug.

Actually, what really blew me away was the Quisling 1:

Spoiler

I know all about Vidkun Quisling, what he did, and why to NOT trust any ship with that name!!!    

 

[Geschosskopf]

1 hour ago, Quasar said:

Radio: "... THE DOOMSDAY BOOSTER!"

HAHAHAH, this was a truly great story.  I'm kinda sad to see it end, but I'm sure you'll do something even more amazingly silly in the future

 

1 hour ago, Quasar said:

The clamp itself had stopped moving 1200m above the surface. Sadly I was unable to recover it from that position, so I simply edited the save to register it as landed.

I still haven't thought of anything I've seen in KSP weirder than this.  You need to put it in a trophy case

 

[Quasar]

Epilogue

 

Science: In total, we recovered 10,080 science on this mission, which is (a) insane and (b) will come in handy to fill out some of my extended tech tree. I'm especially looking forward to unlocking the "Experimental Rocketry" and "Gigantic Rocketry" tabs, because of course I am.

Funds: We did pretty well (by my standards) monetarily: we didn't quite do the mission at a loss, and managed a profit margin of 30.7%.

    Starting             = 2,503,852

    Spent                 = 2,430,956 (Shub Niggurath) +

                                  108,564 (Quisling 1)

    Total Spent       = 2,539,520

    Gained              = 3,321,153 (Missions and World Firsts)

    Profit                 = 781,633

    Ending Funds  = 3,285,485

Crew: No casualties, and we now have 6 new five-star Kerbals (2 scientists, 2 engineers and 2 pilots). The A-Team are Valentina, Asicca, Bob, Henfield, Hainy and Danny. Everyone else is now four-star.

Infrastructure: 

1x Duna Ultrabase, with science rover and crew shuttle.

1x Ike Refueling Base, with landing pad and refueler

1x Eldritch Abomination/Interplanetary Tug

 

Overall Mission Rating:

Edited July 31, 2016 by Quasar

[Geschosskopf]

1 hour ago, Quasar said:

Overall Mission Rating:

LOL!!!  Um.  Yeah, I'll go with that :).  And 5 stars for entertainment value.

[Quasar]

Epilogue 2

 

Asicca: "Umm... I think there's a problem..."

Hainy: "Overheating? I told them we needed radiators, but would they listen? No. No they would not."

Asicca: "No chief, the heat is managable... barely. But... I think we're out."

Hainy: "Out?"

Asicca: "Out of ore."

Bob: "What? We can't be. This thing's a D-class asteroid. It was 94% ore before we started mining. I checked myself."

Asicca: "Did you check the mass?"

Bob: "No, why?"

Asicca: "It's 14 tons."

Bob: "... you mean 140 tons, right?

Asicca: "Nope."

Bob: "That can't be right. I mean, we're 307 tons. It's an enormous rock, you can't tell me it weighs less than 5% of what we do.

Asicca: "I think I just did."

Bob: "Wow. We should be making spaceships out of asteroid rock."

Asicca: "So.. does this mean we're stranded now? Because we used most of our remaining fuel to get out here."

Valentina: "Yep."

Asicca: "... [sigh]... I wonder what it would be like to be part of a competent space program?"

Valentina: "Uh, boring? Duh."

[Geschosskopf]

4 hours ago, Quasar said:

Asicca: "... [sigh]... I wonder what it would be like to be part of a competent space program?"

LOL

 

4 hours ago, Quasar said:

Asicca: "It's 14 tons."

Wow.  So it's not just me having weird asteroid masses.  I know for a while there, all asteroids were 150 tons regardless of size and they fixed that in 1.1.3.  Now it seems, however, that there's way too much variability in mass.  Size classes are totally meaningless right now.

Hmmm, is this a stock, a Custom, or a Kopernicus asteroid?  I don't think that makes a difference, really, because I'm sure the mods just use the stock modules, but it would be nice to know.  My weird masses with all with CustomAsteroids.

 

[Just Jim]

4 hours ago, Quasar said:

Epilogue 2

Asicca: "It's 14 tons."

Bob: "... you mean 140 tons, right?

Asicca: "Nope."

Bob: "That can't be right. I mean, we're 307 tons. It's an enormous rock, you can't tell me it weighs less than 5% of what we do.

A Pumice Asteroid? 

Edited August 3, 2016 by Just Jim

[Quasar]

Okay, everyone can stop panicking now. I found a slightly bigger rock and am in the process of solving my fuel problem.

Aint no problem that can't be solved by crashing it into Minmus.

[Geschosskopf]

13 hours ago, Quasar said:

Aint no problem that can't be solved by crashing it into Minmus.

Hehehe.  Or crashing Minmus into something

 

[Kieve]

Thanks for making my workday more hilarious and entertaining in pretty much every way. Many good chuckles were had.