The Hitchhiker's Guide to Kerbals: A Primer on the Species

[Whirligig Girl]

I'm a good Kerbologist!

Here's my abridged version of the previous article!

[REDACTED FOR CRIMES AGAINST ALL THE THINGS]

[KSK]

For all the unbelievers out there, this good Kerbologist recently procured a rare picture of one of the hallowed groves of the Church of Treerock...

[arc5555]

Omg , this must be included in the game :0

[SkyRender]

It's so hard to find good help for under 10 Altairian dollars a day... However, we did finally get a new Kerbologist, and a new article written too.

History of Spacecraft Manufacturing on Kerbin

It has come to the attention of the Guide that, in spite of previous beliefs that Kerbals simply slap explosives together haphazardly, call it a rocket, and blow it up on the launchpad, Kerbals do in fact put slightly more effort than this in their exploration of space. Our newest Kerbologist has made the groundbreaking discovery that Kerbals in fact have corporations which produce the extremely unstable products which Kerbals use in their space program. And to our utter astonishment, it has also been uncovered that they put out contracts to run experiments on these parts with the Kerbal Space Program, paying them ofttimes-absurd quantities in the process. We have sent our newest Kerbologist back to Kerbin to learn more. This article will be updated as soon as he's uncovered more details.

UPDATE: Our newest Kerbologist has returned (or at least, most of him has). Here is his report:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

We were forced to scrap the rest of the report, and wish him well in his efforts to regrow his missing appendages. Once we have hired a replacement for him and get the information we need, we will update this entry again.

UPDATE 2: Our fifth newest Kerbologist has returned and given us a coherent report that does not involve screams of agony! What follows will be a very professionally written piece on the nature of corporations who manufacture parts for the Kerbal Space Program.

As it turns out, the Kerbal Space Program originally contracted out solely to a junkyard owned by Jebediah Kerman (see entry: Jebediah Kerman for additional information and warnings regarding proximity). In fact, the initial goal was simply to construct more elaborate fireworks, until Bill Kerman jokingly suggested that they should try strapping a few Kerbals to them for kicks. Thus was the Kerbal Space Program born (albeit at the time under the name of Kerbal Fireworks Program), and the original Kerbal I rocket took to the skies with its payload of 3 Kerbals. It was swiftly followed by the Kerbal II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, and XV, all of which ended in spectacular fireworks displays which upped the body count of the space program considerably.

The launch of the Kerbal XVI changed everything, however, as this extra-large firework failed to explode horribly when it reached altitude, and instead flew up out of the atmosphere. It then proceeded to land an awful lot. The spark of curiosity had lit the flames of passion in Jebediah Kerman's heart at the sight of this, and he renamed his fledgling fireworks operation to Kerbal Space Program. He then immediately contacted a number of his friends, and blackmailed them all into manufacturing parts for spacecraft. Within a week, the more competent Wernher von Kerman and Gene Kerman had taken over operation of the organization, and Jebediah Kerman had strong-armed both of his brothers into joining him as the first pilots of the program.

The end result of all of this is that all spacecraft manufacturing on Kerbin is actually done by organizations which previously did not actually manufacture spacecraft parts. This may go a long ways towards explaining why so many of them are prone to violently exploding upon contact with anything at all. It would also explain why they are so willing to pay such large sums for the Kerbal Space Program to test their parts out, as it is our understanding that Jebediah Kerman's blackmail material hangs over their heads to this day. Unfortunately, many of their contract proposals are written up by smacking themselves in the heads repeatedly with eeloos long enough for continued self-abuse with rocks on strings to sound like a good idea. Usually they have a contract proposal written up a few hours after that point, and also rather nasty concussions.

Edited August 9, 2014 by SkyRender

[KSK]

In related news, sales of the Guide are reported to be booming as a result of the new section on Kerbin and in its inhabitants. One, Arthur Dent, of the vapour cloud formerly known as Earth, has been heard to complain bitterly that his planet only warranted a two word entry in the Guide, whereas 'those googley eyed homicidal maniacs are hell-bent on their own edition.'

To which the Guide editors only response was - "Kerbology is funnier and far less lethal than Brockian Ultra-Cricket. So shove it, Earthman."

[SpaceCannon46]

Hey SkyRender, do you mind if I reference this a few times throughout the story I'm writing?

[SkyRender]

Hey SkyRender, do you mind if I reference this a few times throughout the story I'm writing?

Go right ahead! A link-back to this topic would be appreciated, of course, if only so that readers can get the full context if they're not familiar with it.

[SpaceCannon46]

I'll add that link right in if I can find a place for it.

[Lithium-7]

-planet sized snip-

Great piece, much better than mine.

I think it does a much better job of capturing that odd, condescending tone that the Guide usually carries.

[SkyRender]

The "Kerman" Paradox

One of the stranger aspects of Kerbal society that has been observed by the various and sundry Kerbologists of the galaxy is the prevalance of Kerbals to sport the last name of "Kerman". Indeed, one cannot help but notice that there is not a single Kerbal of note whose name does not end in Kerman. The origins of this strange phenomenon were of interest to at least one of the Kerbologists still alive and intact, and so they have performed some cutting-edge research into the matter. Their results, as ever, are highly questionable and come to no valid conclusions, but we're including them anyway since sales have gone up since we started mentioning Kerbals and the Guide could use the money.

Tracing back the earliest example of the name "Kerman" in Kerbal cultural history proved to be a nearly-impossible task, mostly because the Kerbals of the space-faring nation of Lovothoria habitually destroy all records they locate which tell of their pre-space-flight history. However, sources from outside of Lovothoria may shed some light on this naming phenomenon.

According to Decsis Kerman, a devout follower of Seaformistry, the Kerman name was placed upon the Kerbal species as a means of mind control by the government in the earliest days of Kerbal society. After pointing out that his last name is also Kerman during his rambling speech about how he has evaded this mind control phenomenon, Decsis Kerman went into an apoplectic fit, and thus we are still unsure of the veracity of his claims. However, given that no other members of the Church of Seaformistry have come forward or even appear to exist, we have been forced to accept that his theory is probably incorrect.

Members of the Church of Treerock had a different perspective to provide us on the matter. Their head priest, Fred-Bob Kerman, informed us that the name "Kerman" is part of the Church of Treerock's doctrine about the lack of individuality being a curse. Archbishop Fred-Bob Kerman, several bishop Fred-Bob Kermans, and all of the acolyte Fred-Bob Kermans confirmed this story. We were unable to find any member of the Church of Treerock who was not named Fred-Bob Kerman, thus we must assume that their obsession with eliminating individuality is not in fact species-wide, but rather the byproduct of a very demented faith founded mostly around making oneself miserable.

The Sunshipper cult informed us that "Kerman" was the old-world term for the sun, and that any Kerbal blessed with the name Kerman was a true child of the sun. When we pointed out that there was not a single Kerbal with a name that did not end in Kerman, they told us we were no fun any more and walked off in a huff. Unfortunately we must also conclude that the Sunshippers are generally a pack of crazy sorts who have about as much sense as a pair of fetid dingo's kidneys.

In the end, the only sensible explanation that we were able to unearth about the subject came from Jebediah Kerman himself. "I dunno, it just sounds cool to call yourself a Kerman. Could you hold this for a second?" After declining to take hold of the proffered command seat attached to an SRB, this Kerbologist promptly evacuated the area so as to avoid becoming the latest victim of a Jebediah-induced explosion. Ultimately we are no closer to finding an answer to the question than we were when we started, but it's hard to argue with Jebediah's point about Kerman being a pretty nifty name.

[CorperalVasquez]

ROTF! Loved it!

had I had done it, it would have read.......

Kerbals;

????????????? No Entry Found

[SpaceCannon46]

You should do an entry on time/phys warping.

[ZoidPool]

This is awesome, but the whole time, I read it three times, and during those three times, I heard it in different voices, first:marvin, second:narrator, and third: The narrator from the stanley parable

[SkyRender]

It has admittedly been some time since I last updated the Guide, but it came to the Guide's attention recently that there is a glaring omission in the data we have on Kerbals. As such, a new entry had to be hastily cobbled together. I mean carefully researched and written up. It is as follows:

Kerbin's Atmosphere

It has come to the attention of the Guide that, while the knowledge we possess concerning Kerbals is quite extensive, one thing that's been consistently overlooked in discussing these strange little explosion factories is the fact that their atmosphere makes no sense whatsoever. While it does generally exhibit certain qualities known to exist within atmospheric bodies, such as lift, drag, and mucking up the lovely view of space with an annoying color change, it does not actually seem to follow many of the rules of aerodynamics. Previous Kerbologists sent to Kerbin by the Guide failed to mention this phenomenon for no reason we can ascertain, mostly because there aren't many surviving Kerbologists outside of those in the employ of the Guide, but this editor suspects that it had something to do with the fact that paying attention to aerodynamics is not something you usually have the luxury of doing when dealing with Kerbals. Generally speaking, if you've got time enough to notice that the air around you isn't behaving like air, you're probably either dead or about to be when Kerbals are involved.

Whatever the case, the Guide has now sent a new Kerbologist out to study the phenomenon. The extensive report can best be summed up as: the entire Kerbin solar system is one seriously messed-up place, and worrying about the fact that the air on its various planets doesn't behave itself seems kind of petty in that respect. This Kerbologist was promptly sacked, and a new one was hired to give us a non-sarcastic analysis of Kerbin's atmosphere. His report was, in full: it's beans. We are once again in need of a new Kerbologist; please apply if you have the time and lack of self-presevation skill required for the job. Regardless, one thing is certain about Kerbin's atmosphere: whatever it is, it is truly a unique gem in this galaxy for us to treasure. So long as Kerbals have that going for them, their tourism and body count both should remain high.

Addenum: It has come to our attention that the Kerbals caught wind of the Guide's entry on their atmosphere, and have decided to alter it to more closely resemble a normal atmosphere out of spite for us. In retrospect, this was something of a predictable side-effect of letting the Kerbals know that we've been watching them and laughing at them for so long. This editor in particular finds it quite terrifying that they can radically alter their ecosystem in such a short span and in such a fundamental fashion, but that's just my opinion. The post of Kerbologist remains open, incidentally, as it was when this article was first published two weeks ago. We've admittedly gone through 14 Kerbologists since then, but don't let that deter you from applying!

[SkyRender]

A windfall for the Guide! A new Kerbologist discovered a Kerbal phenomenon and lived to tell the tale. This is his story.

Kerbals and Space/Time Warping

A rather peculiar Kerbal phenomenon has come to the attention of the Guide recently, due to a Kerbologist actually willingly accompanying a Kerbal on a successful flight into space. The sheer improbability of this event alone is noteworthy, yet it also revealed a facet of the Kerbals' terrifying control over the space/time continuum that was previously unknown: their ability to warp space/time itself to speed up the passage of time.

Perhaps the most remarkable thing about this phenomenon is how it is brought about, however. The Kerbal in question, a rather unstable fellow by the name of Bob Kerman, demonstrated the process of time-warping to the Kerbologist by swinging an eeloo around rather violently. After five swings, Bob released his grasp on the ancient time measurement device, and it promptly pinged about the cabin at an impossible speed. The Kerbologist watched in awe as it began to cause spectroscopic distortions before his very eye-stalks, before finally slamming Bob Kerman in the head and knocking him for a loop. Looking out the window of the craft, the Kerbologist was amazed to see that they were suddenly moving 1000 times faster than they had been.

Bob Kerman explained, as he re-primed his eeloo, that they were in fact moving exactly as fast as they had been before. This rather unorthodox technique was in fact a means of speeding their perception of time within the confines of whatever cabin it was used in. He then promptly repeated the whole process in reverse, as best our Kerbologist could explain it, and suddenly the craft was nearly on top of the Mun. A quick panicked course readjustment later, the craft was no longer on a collision course. Bob explained that this particular model of eeloo was prone to causing actual distortions in movement through space itself, but that the latest model due out in a few days would fix that problem.

After hitching a ride home off the Mun a few days later from the crash site of the rocket, the Kerbologist gave his report and an addenum concerning Kerbal space-time control as well. It turns out that Kerbals can also use their eeloos to speed the passage of time on a smaller scale, but that this was considered taboo due to its tendency to cause the universe around that Kerbal to go pear-shaped. The term "Space Kraken" was apparently brought up during the discussion as well, though derisively. Whatever the case, we now have new reason to recommend that anyone interested in visiting Kerbin reconsider. It turns out that it's a great way to kill a lot of time even on the off chance that you do survive. Possibly quite a lot more time than you intended to, in fact.

[Dres]

Wow, these things are utterly incredible! FIRING REP CANNON!

[SkyRender]

Kerbal Tourists

Once more Kerbals have come into the spotlight as a new discovery has been made about their peculiar obsession with space: it also extends to space tourism. While it is not unknown for pre-hyperspace cultures to produce individuals with the rather unusual desire to be shot into space simply for kicks, as is usual for Kerbalkind, their species has a rather twisted take on the subject. Indeed, they seem to have twisted the entire concept around to such a degree that even we at the Guide are at a loss for words. We shall nonetheless endeavour to explain it, futile though it will doubtless prove.

Stunningly enough, there are Kerbals who wish to travel to space who do not wish to become astronauts. Or perhaps this is not so surprising, as the career of an astronaut is generally short-lived on Kerbin. However, the life of anyone who happens to get within 50 meters of one of their flying deathtraps tends to be considerably shortened, so the current going theory is that they simply suffer from severe mental instability. Whatever the case, these Kerbals are quite happy to fork over hard-earned Funds to take a trip of their choosing into space and (hopefully) back to Kerbin at the end of it. It's unusual enough that a civilian Kerbal would have Funds, given that most of their economy is Snack-based, but that they would choose to invest them in the space program by asking for a trip into space is even more peculiar. This merely reinforces the theory that Kerbal tourists are, in fact, insane.

One particularly strange aspect of the Kerbal Space Program's tourism division is that they allow the passenger to define their itinerary, regardless of how absurd it may be, with a fixed cost per destination and overall cost based on how many places their trip will go. This is particularly unusual given that Kerbals (rather pointlessly, as we've noted in the past) insist on using chemical-based propulsion to get anywhere. Meaning that tourists asking for a round trip out to the moons of Jool can expect to be on holiday for roughly 8 years if they're lucky, and more likely 80 years to forever depending on the decisions of the KSP staff. As well, one of the options available for a flight to these tourists is a suborbital flight over their sun, a highly fatal choice to make by any estimation given the species' lack of tolerance for solar immolation.

With much effort and unearthing of hidden documents from under the Mission Control coffee maker, the truth came out of these contracts: the Kerbals being sent up are rarely actually tourists. Rather, many of them are actually persona-non-grata: criminals, murderers, lawyers, in-laws, and members of the Church of Treerock. Often they are signed up for these "tours" with the express intent of them never returning, or in the case of sub-orbital sundives, are put on the list as part of a prank by a Sunshipper. While the Kerbal Space Program does receive compensation for returning them alive, the amount is so small compared to the difficulty of taking them out there that there is little question in any Kerbal's mind as to the true nature of these "tourists". The fact that so few even get upset when the "tourists" fail to return simply reinforces the general suspicion that it's simply a way of getting rid of unwanted Kerbals.

The Kerbal government was unavailable for comment, mostly due to the fact that it remains a few strands of dry seaweed tied to a tree branch and has yet to gain sentience. We'll keep our readers posted if this changes, but if Kerbin's current dominant life forms are any indication, it may be best if it does not. There's no telling just how many problems the galaxy would have if there were two forms of ostensibly intelligent life on Kerbin...

[Tw1]

Just putting it out there:

The Sunshippers believe that the sun is the source of all life on Kerbin, and that their ultimate goal should be to get closer to the sun. Sunshippers are thus very keen to offer up their services as test pilots for Kerbal Space Program missions involving launches into the sun.

Does this remind you of certain contracts you can get?...

[TheMoonRover]

Haha, these are brilliant. Can you do one on the discovery of female kerbals?

[SkyRender]

Kerbal Genders

Until very recently, it was believed by the larger part of the galaxy (minus a few eccentric sorts who will believe just about anything) that Kerbals had no gender at all. Indeed, the only Kerbals any of our field agents ever reported meeting were apparently all the same. It has recently come to light in a most embarrassing fashion that this assumption is not only wrong, but astonishingly wrong. As such, the Guide is now endeavouring to correct this grave mistake and discuss Kerbal genders.

Our current Kerbologist didn't even have to look very hard to find a female Kerbal, as it turns out that around half the planet's population are in fact of that persuasion. They have a distinct appearance from male Kerbals, sound different, and even have a tendency to be astronauts in the Kerbal Space Program just as much as their male counterparts. One of these female Kerbals was cornered by our Kerbologist and asked about the strange phenomenon of only meeting male Kerbals prior to this. Her response was, in full, "You probably forgot to turn off your SEP Field or something, we've been here all along."

The Somebody Else's Problem Field, of course, is a very common device used in the field by Guide writers, as the locals often are not very hospitable towards them. While an excellent means of staying safe in hostile environments by making the locals decide that you're not really important enough to bother with, this recent turn of events suggests that they may have a somewhat more sinister side-effect of causing the observer protected by one to also miss anything that they're not looking for. As our initial Kerbologist did not expect any sort of gender from Kerbals, no gender differences were observed, and the problem just kind of propagated from there. An inquiry is being sent off to the manufacturers of the device, but in the meantime, we have suspended use of SEP Fields while studying Kerbals, just to be safe. A more in-depth study of the genders of Kerbals is currently being done, and our results will be posted to this entry shortly.

UPDATE: Studying Kerbal genders, as it transpires, is probably not something one should do. Our Kerbologist has advised us to mind our own damn business from here on out, and has quit citing severe psychological trauma. It is possible that his methods were unorthodox in some manner, but whatever the case, the more interesting details of Kerbal gender differences shall remain a mystery for some time yet.

[Whirligig Girl]

I would imagine the poor Kerbologist was slapped on the face.

[Rath]

Do an entry on Val.

[VelocityPolaris]

Do an entry on Val.

Actually, he's already told us all we need to know about Vall. "Vall (a fizzy drink that tastes exactly like gilly mixed with ike)"

That's basically it besides space Stonehenge. Gives me an idea, could you do an entry on the anomalies/Easter eggs? Like spacehenge, monty pyramid, squadolith, invisible magic boulder, other unimportant stuff, you already covered the space squid, and mayhaps the UFO's?

[SkyRender]

It's been a long time, hasn't it?  There's a good reason for that!  Let's see the latest entry to find out why.

Kerbal Telecommunications

 After having spent more than a year deliberating on the effects of malfunctioning SEP Fields rendering basically all previous Kerbal studies completely invalid, as well as searching in vain for a Kerbologist brave enough to go to Kerbin without one, the Guide has finally managed to scrounge up the resources necessary to write a new article on Kerbals!  Any inconsistencies found herein with previous entries should be chalked up to inaccuracy on behalf of the previous Guide writers, those absolute hacks.

 Previous data on Kerbals suggested that they possessed faster-than-light communications capabilities and probes with super-advanced AI capable of performing complex space maneuvers with no input from the Kerbals themselves.  This has since been debunked, however, as it was discovered that Kerbals possess a telecommunications network similar to most every pre-galactic-exploration civilization does.  Their home planet is utterly rife with hundreds of communications satellites flying about in wild patterns, many of them actually being spent stages of rockets that were fitted with probes and antennae as an afterthought of design (or possibly due to reading the assembly directions for the rocket upside-down, which apparently happens a lot with Kerbals).  The sheer number of probes that Kerbals have launched simply for communications purposes is quite frankly staggering, yet the reason why has eluded our field researchers thus far.

 UPDATE: We have had a field research breakthrough!  One of our Kerbologists tried asking a member of the Kerbal Space Program ground team why there were so many satellites, and was informed, "We hate it when the signal goes out on long space voyages and we miss even a second of the latest Kerball game; duh."  Further research into Kerbal sports is clearly required, but nonetheless, we now have a clear answer as to why Kerbals have so many satellites dedicated to telecommunications set up throughout their solar system.  This does leave the questions of how they manage to keep their antennae directed correctly at all times, and how they can control probes at any range with no signal delay, but we're looking into that.

 UPDATE 2: We shouldn't have bothered asking how Kerbals do seemingly impossible things with their telecommunications.  The answer was depressingly predictable, as usual, and had nothing to do with magic or advanced technology as some particularly gullible Kerbologists postulated.  Kerbal antennae pick up signal from any direction because they spin around faster than a Kerbal swinging an Eeloo about to check the time.  And Kerbal telecommunications do experience signal delay, but they mask the fact by programming their probes to behave like a Kerbal is flying them at all times anyway; the loss of control when signal fails is just for show so the public doesn't lose faith in their space program entirely.  The Guide's editors were glad to get this entry finished, naturally, but are once again in need of new Kerbologists since all of the previous ones have quit citing work-related stress and massive disappointment.

[KSK]

Awwww - poor Kerbologists. Complimentary tickets to the Kerball final should cheer them right up.