[Our Universe] Encyclopedia Universalis : The men of Deutschland

[keekee484]

Encyclopedia Universalis

Encyclopedia Universalis is a compilation of all known knowledge to be stored in one very slowly updating thread.

KEEP IN MIND THAT ANY CORRELATION BETWEEN THESE ARTICLES AND YOUR UNIVERSE ARE COMPLETELY COINCIDENTAL

the title of this article will change every time a article is added, allowing you to know when to check back with a simple glance.

Germans

(to the real Germans: this is not meant to offend or to suggest anything about you guys in anyway. This is just ramblings of me. If you really hate it so much, PM and I'll see if I can scrounge up one about Americans.)

____To understand what and who Germans are, we must first understand where they came from. Germany is quite an anomaly. It appeared in the mid 1500’s, and many world leaders at the time described it as “Not there yesterday.†Denmark was particularly distraught, as it lost the Denmark sea. It then remembered that they had an entire ocean above them and felt better, although they then lost that ocean to the country of Groshtinistan, which formed in 1950’s. Life had existed on the German sea plateau for some time, but now the entire world could see it’s amazing diversity for the first time. Although most animals evolved from organic molecules, the Germans evolved from a sentient Commodore 64, who was sent back in time to stop the manpocalypse (a frightening future in which humans enslaved machines and forced them to do all their labor for them, often to the point of death.) due to this, instead of evolving from unicellular organisms the Germans evolved from computers, and it certainly shows.

____The modern German, (or the G-122400alpha human-model) is composed of 345 vertices, a 30 terahertz internal neuron array, and over 2 petabytes of memory. The German is capable of speech, movement, and complex mathematics. Some things the Germans have not yet mastered include empathy, love, and emotion, although they did once take a calculated average and discerned that the most common expression is in “frown-state.†Impressively, the Germans have conquered over 5000 methods of frowning. As Germans cannot love, the way they procreate is perhaps the most interesting achievement of modern engineering. First, two Germans whose software they have deemed compatible create a table of the estimated cost of a child with a standard increase of 35% for the chance of an accident occurring. They then approach their city council, who will deem the feasibility of the plan and send a form to the German parliament, who will deny or accept it based on the economic situation. The parliament then takes the individual model numeral of each parent, and put them through algorithms so advanced we have yet to truly understand them. The resulting numbers is surprisingly a complex mix of the father and mother. (An example of a model numeral would have been pertinent, but unfortunately even the model numeral for a bacteria can go on for 34 square yards.) The finished form is then sent to German factories, which then produces Germans according to the code.

____It should be noted that, being excellent calculators, the Germans are a formidable economic force. They once bought the entire earth off of god in a compelling 45 hour debate. However they returned it soon after, complaining that it was defective. They own about 50% of the entire economy of ever because other 50% is still in shipping. One would expect that with their economic strength, would come elegant temples and monuments to computing and math. However, the Germans do not do anything with this money. To the Germans, money is not a item with which one can acquire goods and services. Money is an arbitrary score, and when one receives all of it they win the game. Many Germans wait outside their homes everyday, half-expecting to see the credits start to scroll downwards.

Water: our squishy blue supplement

____Water. Water is everywhere, from the inky void of space to the core of the earth and the oceans of the Sahara desert. Water is an essential part of our diets, and consists of over 2% percent of the human body. (23% dirt, 12% lint, 34% teeth, 2% cringing feeling of desolation, 25% bacon, 2% water, 1% polonium, and traces of deodorant, argon, and self-worth, although we will cover what each means in more detail during our Human body selection.) But what is water, anyway?

____Water has a periodic number of -23i, and an atomic weight of 4, although he’s been working out lately so it’s probably less. Water is composed of one oxygen atom, two hydrogen atoms, three bosons, forty two and a half quarks, and one morose looking giraffe. Legend has it that the giraffe was put there to forever be punished for his hubris, as he once boasted that he could see higher than even the gods. However, many scientists now argue that the giraffe was put there as punishment for being a giraffe, and the fact that he could do this outside water but didn't is just proof of how awful giraffes are. It should be noted that 78% of all scientists hate giraffes. Water is highly important as it is used in human bodies to spit. When parts of a brain are foreclosed or shut down, they slide down the medulla into the mouth where they dissolve into their key components of pink, spaghetti, and brain flakes. However, brain flakes are the most potent poison known to man. In fact, one gram of brain flakes is enough to kill twenty men in 2 seconds. Because of this, the body mixes the brain flakes with water and spits them out, removing the poison from the system. Our earth is 60% water. However, most of that water is seawater, the most useless form of water ever discovered. Seawater actually bonds brain flakes to tongues, which results in death. This is why no seawater fish has ever lived longer than 2 seconds.

One might suspect that there is only a finite amount of water in the world and that because of this, mankind is doomed to hit a population cap at some point. Fortunately, water can be created. In essence, the procedure is simple, but also illegal, as it requires the hearts of orphans. In order to halt the recent orphan massacres, we have opted to not include a detailed instruction on how water is formed. We will however, give you a couple helpful tips.

-Remember, if your arms start to change color, that means it’s working.

-Don’t be afraid of the strange language emanating from the pail. At the same time, it cannot be stressed enough not to look directly in the pail.

-Santa Claus is not real. He is in fact a quasi-thought form developed by omnipotent 12th dimensional pranksters. Any extra limbs he may grow are superficial too.

____Ever since man’s beginning, he has been fascinated with water. Early cave paintings depict man hunting water, a practice that the whole cave family could get behind. Its significance is unparalleled and it is vital for bodily function. We leave you with a quote from British philosopher and child entertainer William Willywap. If you can figure out what it means, you have at least 14 Nobel prizes waiting for you. “If Sally has 3 apples and Jacob has 2 apples, how many apples do they have together? The correct answer is water.â€Â

Note to those whom may concern: to those of you who have read this and exclaimed, "This doesn't belong in the science thread!" at least let me try to explain why I think this belongs here. Science is defined as "the state of knowing" in the digital Merriam-Webster dictionary. If you didn't learn anything from this encyclopedia, let me first congratulate you for transcending biological form and becoming omniscient, and then remind you that you have many better things to be doing. For a start, you could write a book upon how special relativity and quantum mechanics coexist in our universe. From here, you may realize that I'm just stalling for time. Hey what's that over there? Is that a bird? Oh wow! It's like a mantis shrimp decided to live a life in the skies! Actually, I think that's just a mantis shrimp eating a bird. Still really interesting though.

Also, if you get mad about the fact I mentioned orphan hearts just pretend that orphans are composed of Styrofoam. If that doesn't work, look at a picture of a really cute pug.

I can't figure out how to indent my paragraphs, so that's why I used underscores.

Edited September 12, 2013 by keekee484

[Kerbin Dallas Multipass]

I happen to work for a large publishing company. Just send me your credit card and your PIN so we can credit you with a first advancement.

[Bobhendly]

If you dont mind me saying, This is rather funny, But.. What the hell is this?

[Winter Man]

Sounds like someone's been watching Look Around You.

[Bobhendly]

I call my dog squishy... (The name is actually frida.)

[lajoswinkler]

Sounds like someone's been watching Look Around You.

Exactly, but it's not even close to the awesomeness of the series. Unlike this, LAY was quite subtle, inserting disinformation into otherwise correct material and that's what made it funny. When you aren't subtle, you lose that something that makes people expect stuff and then burst into laughter.

[keekee484]

If you dont mind me saying, This is rather funny, But.. What the hell is this?

Good question. Look deep into your heart, and you shall find the answer. (I left a post-it note in your left ventricle.)

Sounds like someone's been watching Look Around You.

These articles usually flip flop in tone from the look around you lady and the 50's voice from "the making of the Stanley Parable."(Which is on YouTube, but I won't link it out of fear of the moderator gods. Just put "the making of the Stanley parable" into your search bar and it should come right up.)

As for how these relate to Look Around You, they don't.

Really think about Look Around You. The show was great, I'm not contesting that. It's just that because the media used in LKA it is quite different from writing, you can't directly translate it. LKA had experiments because the use of visual medium allowed audiences to more quickly create inferences upon the environment, which made it funny when things didn't go the way it was expected. I can't do that with these as doing so would result in me getting off topic way to much and would be nowhere near as funny.

I only realized that water was a thing that LKA covered when I was halfway through writing this, but considering that we take completely different ways of describing water, I thought it was fine.

For you guys out there who consider these stupid because there aren't subtle, let me blow your mind for you right now: these aren't even supposed to be funny. They are just a working place to connect abstract thoughts together into aesthetically pleasing ways. There is no time at which I lay back and think, "Now what would be the funniest thing to interject here?" I just write what comes to mind, and if you think that these are rushed, unoptimized, subtle as the big bang, and that I have a poopy face, allow me to blow your mind for the second time. You don't need to read these. I put these up because I thought it would be a wonderful thing to share with others. I have no intention of improving my comedic styling with these. If it seems that I am personally insulting you, don't think that. There are only 7 billion scared people on this planet trying to get along, and the less time they spend fighting, the more time they can spend going to the moon.

>>PLOT TWIST: UNLESS THEY CAN MULTITASK!!!!

[Bobhendly]

Any more Artiles in Encyclopedia Universalis?

[Nephas]

I wished my Germany was like the one you are describing...