The Kerb Kerman Show!

[Xacktar]

You said it. Move over Jeb, cos Oggy - well Oggy just pinched your jetpack. And your ship. And your mojo.

That definitely sounds like Oggy. XD

[Xacktar]

Welcome back to the Kerb Kerman Show, with your host, Kerb Kerman!

Kerb: Thank you, Bob.

Billy-Bobdin: Man, I dropped a heavy stage back there, if you know what I mean. Woooh.

Kerb: Charming. So... right. When we left the show you were about to tell us how the first orbital mission ended.

Billy-Bobdin: Yup.

Kerb: Well? What happened after the jetpack injury?

Billy-Bobdin: Welllllll... Oggy, man. He was feelin it. He climbed back in the capsule, wanting to grab a beer, but old Ronbo had taken the case out before liftoff. Oggy went crazy, man. Flipped old Kessie around and burned like geep retrograde.

Billy-Bobdin: Yup. that's him. You shoulda heard him swearin' at mission control. Old Joebart even fainted. True story.

Kerb: What happened next?

Billy-Bobdin: Well, Ronbo and Bill had to take Joebart outside and get him some water.

Kerb: I mean what happened with Oggy.

Billy-Bobdin: Pffssh. It's Oggy, man. That sucka did a few back-flips in the capsule, hit the atmosphere and tried to fire-surf his way down. Here, gimme that photo clicker thang. I wanna press the button.

Kerb: No!

Billy-Bobdin: C'mon...

Kerb: NO!

Billy-Bobdin: Heh heh. Awesome.

Kerb: Sigh Yes, I guess it is. Was Oggy worried at all during re-entry?

Billy-Bobdin: Geep yah, he was. Oggy hadn't had a beer in six hours. Gotta admit, even I was a bit worried.

Kerb: I mean about the.... you know what, nevermind. So... after some... fire-surfing... did he make to ground in one piece? Ouch, hey, I'm on it. Stop poking me with that thing. I know, of course, that every XAC mission is always successful and no one ever dies in horrible explosions, but in this case, how non-explodey was the landing?

Billy-Bobdin: Nahhh, Oggy was fine. They had got them new things on the ship, those pair-of-shoots? Even Oggy couldn't flip the ship with one of those helpin' to slow the sucka.

Kerb: That's good to hear. Let's get one of the last pictures up.

Billy-Bobdin: Course, that didn't stop Oggy from trying to use the engine as a smoke-machine during landing. He said the fumes gave him a good buzz.

Kerb: Isn't that dangerous? Wait, nevermind, this is Oggy we're talking about, isn't it?

Billy-Bobdin: Heyyy, now ya got it. He still knocked the thing over once he'd landed. Just for old-time's sake.

Kerb: Wow, well. I have to say, that I've never expected the story of the first orbital craft to be so...

Billy-Bobdin: Awesome.

Kerb: Yeah, let's go with that. I'm afraid we're out of time here, folks. This is Kerb Kerman and Billy-Bobdin saying goodnight!

Billy-Bobdin: Yup.

Edited July 11, 2015 by Xacktar

[briansun1]

this is really good

[Mad Potatoes]

K.O.!

Oggy 1 x 0 Kessie

[impwarhamer]

this is really funny!

keep up the good work!

[Xacktar]

Thanks guys! Any suggestions as to who will be up next on the show? Lookin for ideas.

[KSK]

Thanks guys! Any suggestions as to who will be up next on the show? Lookin for ideas.

Well I don't think old Billy-bobdin there was about to be upstaged by Oggy for long....

Oh yeah - and aerobraking shall now and forever be known as fire-surfing! Can't wait for some of that interplanetary grade fire-surfing.

[Tw1]

Thanks guys! Any suggestions as to who will be up next on the show? Lookin for ideas.

Maybe Alf could be brought back. It would be interesting to see how he and Billy-Bobdin interact, with their very contrasting styles.

[Xacktar]

Now for a special, Merry Kermas episode of the Kerb Kerman Show!

Kerb: Happy Holidays, Everyone! Today we have a very special guest with us, a Mr. Kanta Kerman.

Kanta: HO HO KO! Merrrrry Kermas, everyone!

Kerb: Kanta is in charge of a very special program at the XAC. His work keeps him busy all year long but he never disappoints when it comes time to shine, isn't that right?

Kanta: Indeed it is, Kerb! I'm so happy to be here today, so that I can talk to the wonderful little Kerblings who are forced, by Xackylvania law, to watch this show. HO HO KO!

Kerb: Now, you are in charge of the Really Expensive, Individualized Nighttime Delivery, Ejection and Retrieval System.

Kanta: Ah, yes. The REINDEARS. Ho ho ko. Took yeaaars of development and research, you know. We mostly use it for deliveries of a special nature, but every once in a while we need it to take a defective product or two back to the shop. You know, like if a light won't light on one side or something.

Kerb: Of course. We couldn't have any un-lit products arriving on Kermas, now could we?

Kanta: Exactly right, Kerb! Ho Ho Ko!

Kerb: Now, I am curious. We hear a lot of history here on the Kerb Kerman show, but you've been up to quite a bit the last few days. What kind of things do your modern REINDEARS deliver?

Kanta: Let me see, I'm sure I have some pictures in this giant sack somewhere.

Kerb: That is, well... that is certainly a well-fueled Kermas Tree.

Kanta: Well, you know what they say.

Kerb: And what is that?

Kanta: Kanta's REINDEARS can deliver to ANYWHERE! HO HO KO!

Kerb: Yes, of course. Now that you mention it, I think I have heard that before. Now, can I ask where this specific Kermas Tree was headed?

Kanta: Well, you remember last month when the XAC, totally on purpose and not-at-all because they didn't bring enough fuel, left poor Fredler Kerman on the Mun?

Kerb: Why, yes. Yes, I do.

Kanta: Well, poor Fredler wrote Kanta a letter. He wanted a tree for Kermas. He said we could bill the XAC for expenses.

Kerb: How generous of him.

Kanta: HO HO KO! Now, me and my REINDEARS have never delivered a Kermas Tree to the Mun before. Gotta tell you, it was pretty exciting for all of us. Watching to a 12-ton tree gliding in orbit... well, take a look.

Kerb: That is impressive.

Kanta: HO HO KO! That it was. Too bad she crashed.

Kerb: Wait, what?

Kanta: Yep, poor thing smashed right into a Mun crater, not two kermometers from poor Fredler.

Kerb: But, wa... Can he do that? I thought we are supposed to lie about... ok. Right, right. Wow, I feel bad for Fredler.

Kanta: Don't be! Kanta never does anything without a backup plan! We launched a second one and plopped her down right in time for Kermas Eve. HO HO KO!

Kerb: Ah, of course. Well, folks, I believe we need to take a quick break for the imperially mandated singing of 'All Hail Xacktar, He's Really Cool." We'll be back right after this!

---

Edited July 11, 2015 by Xacktar

[Xacktar]

We now return you to the Kerb Kerman Kermas Special, with its guest star: Kanta!

Kerb: Thank you, Bob. I like the hat.

Mom made it for me.

Kerb: It really brings out the green in your skin. Right, well, on with the show! Kanta, we were just talking about delivering a little holiday cheer to Fredler Kerman on the Mun.

Kanta: HO HO KO! Yes I was! You know, after landing the tree on the Mun, the ELBS started thinking...

Kerb: Excuse me? The ELBS?

Kanta: Oh, yes! The Extra-Light Building Squad. They are a crack team of jetpack-equipped Kerbals who help us assemble tough projects. They're my little helpers HO HO KO!

Kerb: Right, of course! The short little guys...

Kanta: They don't like it when people talk about that. Just because they took a few too many G's and compressed their endosekeleton...

Kerb: Sorry, ELBS, I didn't mean it. You guys do great work. Now, What were you and your ELBS thinking after landing the second tree?

Kanta: Well, Kerb. Have you ever seen a Kermas Tree with no presents? It's a pitiful sight. With that in mind, the ELBS and I made this up for ol' Fredler.

Kerb: Now that is a present. Wow.

Kanta: HO HO KO!

Kerb: I assume it was stuffed full of candy and mini-goo pods?

Kanta: Of course! My little helpers and I loaded it up with the REINDEARS and set it off to the Mun for Kermas!

Kerb: And what happened?

Kanta: Oh, it crashed.

Kerb: What.

Kanta: Don't Worry! HO HO KO! You are far too tense, Kerb. Its Kermas! Laugh a little!

Kerb: Heh. Heh.

Kanta: That is pathetic. Here, from the gut. HO HO KO! Laugh with me!

Kerb: HORGH HORGH KLORGH!

Kanta: On second thought, no more laughing. That... no. You just do your thing over there.

Kerb: Ahhghk. Ugh, wow. So, I take it you had a backup present?

Kanta: Of course! The backup landed right on time.

Kanta: I'm sure he enjoyed that new engine that we got him for Kermas. HO HO KO!

Kerb: But...wait... wasn't he out of fuel? Why did you bring him an engine when he needed fuel?

Kanta: HO HO.. ah, the fuel... well, it was in the first present.

Kerb: Of course...

Kanta: Now.. I'm feeling depressed. You made Kanta SAD! You... you...

Kerb: Bob, I think we need one of those commercial breaks, again.

On it boss.

Kanta: But.. I brought Kermas! He should be happy...

We'll be right back after this slideshow of Kermas at my moms house!!

Edited July 11, 2015 by Xacktar

[TheDataMiner]

I want more. I want more! I WANT MORE!!!!

( seriously though, you should bring back alf)

( also, you should bring in a retired astronout with PTSD )

[Xacktar]

Geep, that was a great slideshow. Doncha think, Kerb?

Kerb: MMMMMM!

Kanta: HO HO KO! Welcome back to the KANTA KERMAN SHOW!

Kerb: MMMmmmffmMMM!

Oh, this can't be good. HOLD ON, KERB! I won't let you choke on your own Kermas sweater!!

Kanta: Kermas is about HAPPINESS and PRESENTS! Kermas shouldn't about pointing out when you got the wrong gift for some fellow kerman who was trapped on the Mun and hasn't seen his family for weeks... Its about LAUGHING! YES.

Kerb: Mrrmmm mmm mmmrmmmr.

Kanta: HO HO KO! Right now, MY REINDEARS are warming up a new present for everyone.

Kerb: MMM!

Kanta: Behold! The Gift-Inizer 1200! The best and HAPPIEST gift-transport system on Kerbin! Able to drop four-hundred-twenty-eight tons of HAPPINESS anywhere on the planet!

Hold on, Kerb. Wow, this sweater is soft. Did your mom knit this for-

Kerb: MMMMMMM!!!

Ow, ok, I'm trying here. He tied it with tangled Kermas Lights. It's gonna take a while.

Kerb: Mmmrmrr?

Kanta: It seeks you when you're happy! It knows when you're awake! HO HO KO! It's filled with compressed hy-dro-gen so your presents will be safe!

Now, loop this... wait, I just untangled that part! What the...

Kerb: mmmmmmMMMMMMMMMM!!!

Kanta: HO HO KO! Happiness for everyone! HO HO KO! I'm not too late. Kermas can't be over. I can still bring more presents. HO HO KO. Yes, The Gift-Inizer will save me. It will bring presents to everyone.

Kerb: Mmmrrmrmmm- Gah! Thanks, Bob. C'mere you fat, green sack of...

Kanta: YOU CAN'T STOP KANTA! YOU CAN'T ST- ARRRGHHH.

Kerb: Take that! And that! And eat this!

Nice work, Boss.

Kerb: No one steals my picture-clicker remote thing. Its mine. No touchy.

Uh.

Kerb: Alright folks! That is the end of the Kerb Kerman Kermas Special! I hope you had a great time and I wish you all a-

Kanta: Ho ho...K--arrgghhh!

Kerb: -MERRY Kermas. Heh. Tune in tomorrow, because you have to! Take it away, Bob.

Uh, Happy Holidays, everyone!

Edited July 11, 2015 by Xacktar

[Xacktar]

I want more. I want more! I WANT MORE!!!!

( seriously though, you should bring back alf)

( also, you should bring in a retired astronout with PTSD )

Funny thing, I was thinking about bringing the traumatized kerbonaut to the show. I'm torn between that and a Kerbin conspiracy theorist.

[TheDataMiner]

Funny thing, I was thinking about bringing the traumatized kerbonaut to the show. I'm torn between that and a Kerbin conspiracy theorist.

Kerb: Welcome to the show Tomkin Kerman, A retired Astronaut from the XAC.

Tomkin: Hello. *eye twitches*

Kerb: So, I hear all the work down there is completely volunteer! It it true?

Tomkin: Yes...yes we don't get paid at all. *more eye twitches* *starts sweating*

Kerb: isn't he a great guy folks! lets hear it for Tomkin!

[Xacktar]

Kerb: Welcome to the show Tomkin Kerman, A retired Astronaut from the XAC.

Tomkin: Hello. *eye twitches*

Kerb: So, I hear all the work down there is completely volunteer! It it true?

Tomkin: Yes...yes we don't get paid at all. *more eye twitches* *starts sweating*

Kerb: isn't he a great guy folks! lets hear it for Tomkin!

By the end of the show he's hiding under the desk talking about how empty it is 'up there.'

Yeah... I can see possibilities with this. XD

[Mad Potatoes]

+1 to the traumatized kerbonaut.

You should strap him to the chair (or put some magnets, I dont know) so he doesn't flee or maybe hit Kerb in a spasm attack... Just a thought ^^

[Xacktar]

And now, a break from the daily 23-hour marathon of 'Gee, I Sure Love Xackylvania!' for your favorite host with the most, Kerb Kerman!

Kerb: Hello, and welcome to the Kerb Kerman Show! The only history show you're allowed to watch! I'm here with two very special guests, today. The amazing, wonderfully talented Jedgun Kerman has graciously taken a trip away from the All-Kerbin Makehappy Psychiatric Hospital to talk to us about being the first Kerbal on the Mun!

Jedgun: Hetta...hetta... hi... hi, K-kerb.

Dr. Thomble: You're doing great, Jed.

Kerb: Of course, he is joined by Doctor Thomble Kerman, who is here to help prevent, well, the sort of thing that happened last week.

And two weeks ago.

Kerb: Thank you, Bob. I'm sure we all needed to be reminded about that.

Jedgun: W-what does he m-mean by tha-that?

Dr. Thomble: Nothing, Jed. Everything's fine.

Kerb: Well, Jed, can I call you Jed? How did you come to be the first Kerbal on the Mun?

Jedgun: E-eberybody else... they exploded... b-boom...lots of fire, so fire...

Kerb: Right, right, haha. I'm sure he's just joking, folks. Everyone knows that the XAC is a very safe, and not at all explodey, place. Lets just, uh, lets just put a picture up, shall we?

Kerb: Now, this was your ship, correct?

Jedgun: Eeeeeiiiiiiiiiiii

Dr. Thomble: Shhh, Yes, that was the MTGM-6. Jedgun doesn't really like.... reminders, you know?

Kerb: I'm sure I can sympathize. I can't look a Kermas sweater in the face now for the same reason.

Jedgun: What?

Kerb: Nevermind! Well, so what does MTGM stand for, if I may ask?

Jedgun: Its.. its the Make Things Go Mun. I was pilot. Hetta...hetta... real pilot. Yeah. Went fast. Really fast.

Kerb: I think we have a picture of that as well, hold on just a moment.

Jedgun: That was me! I was happy then. I like flying... liked... before it got cold...

Dr. Thomble: Can you tell them about the cold, Jed?

Jedgun: I guess.

Dr. Thomble: You can do it.

Jedgun: I took the...the...the rocket up and into orbit. Yeah. I was in orbit. XACC was on the radio to me. They told me what to do. But...but they w-wanted me to go further away... away from Kerbin... away from the radio.

Dr. Thomble: What happened next, Jed?

Jedgun: They made me...made me go EVA. It was so empty.... empty and cold.

Kerb: Picture Time!

Jedgun: Eeeeeiiiiiiiiiiii

Dr. Thomble: Shhhhh.

Kerb: Ooooh, pretty. How far away from Kerbin were you at this point?

Jedgun: TOO FAR! Hetta...hetta...he..the radio... it didn't work so well out there. I was alone... in the dark, and cold, and alone. I didn't like it!

Kerb: Fascinating. You heard it here, folks! If you're going to space, pack a warm swea...gahhh.... coat. Yeah, coats are safer. Oh wow, look at the time! Its time for all of us to get to our feet and sing 'All Hail Xacktar, He's Really Cool!' We'll be back right after this!

Jedgun: Eeeeiiiii

Edited July 11, 2015 by Xacktar

[Mad Potatoes]

man this is great so freakin great

*ahem* Yes, this writing is very good indeed. no spasms...

I'm looking forward to a next part with spasms. lots of them.

Have i given you rep? OH GOD I FORGOT THE REP! how did i forget to give rep before?! sorrrysorrysorrysorry

[Xacktar]

We now return you to your host with the post, Kerb Kerman!

Kerb: Thank you, Bob! I'm glad we have a few moments to...collect ourselves there. Haha! Nothing better than some rowdy accordion players to lighten the mood!

Jedgun: I like the singing.

Dr. Thomble: I've never seen so many accordions before... Were they supposed to smack into each other like that?

Kerb: Haha! Just a small sample of the quality entertainment we provide here at Xackylvania National Kerbivision! Now, lets get to the real meat of things... Tell us about the landing, Jed.

Jedgun: Ok, landing. I can do this. I'm not alone. I'm here in a... a place with Kerbals. I can do this. Well, the landing was... it was... Hetta hetta...hey, can we put a picture up?

Kerb: Of Course!

Kerb: Oh, what's this? It looks like there is a video clip in here... from the cockpit cam!

Dr. Thomble: Wait! Don't!

Kerb: Hm? Now, why?

Dr. Thomble: The landing... it wasn't exactly..uh.

Jedgun: Land... hetta... no landing. Rolling. So much rolling. Over and over. Hetta...hetta...heh.

Kerb: Now, now that I want to see.

Kerb: Ooooh

Jedgun: EEEEIIIIIIII

Dr. Thomble: Uhhhhhhhg.

Uh, Kerb. Are we allowed to show that?

Kerb: Oh, right! Well, that is... it was all planned! The rolling of the ship, you see, it uh... it helps slow it down for landing! SO! Jed, what happened next!

Jedgun: I...I waited till it was slow, then I deploy...deployed the gear. We stopped rolling. Yeah. That was nice. I.. I got out then. It was nice and not-spinning.

Kerb: Let's take another look at the pictures, shall we?

Jedgun: Then...the...hetta...hetta... then the thing... part, radio! Yes, radio. It was broken. Couldn't talk to home. Heh heh heh.

Kerb: That doesn't sound good.

Dr. Thomble: Kerb, I think we might want to stop for a bit, here. He looks a little...

Jedgun: hetta hetta hetta... All alone! So cold... so dark!

Kerb: C'mon, one more picture!

Dr. Thomble: But...

Kerb: Ha!

Jedgun: Eeeeiii...eiie...eeeiiiiiiiiiii

Dr. Thomble: I insist we take a break! Kerb! KERB!

Kerb: What?

Dr. Thomble: I have a Kermas sweater in my bag here.

Kerb: Bob! I think its time for a commercial!

We'll be right back with more Kerb Kerman, right after this!

Edited July 11, 2015 by Xacktar

[Xacktar]

We now return you to your daily handful of history, with Kerb Kerman!

Kerb: Welcome back! When we left we were hearing the suspenseful tale of Jedgun Kerman! Trapped! On the Mun! No radio! No Orders! Alone in the dark!

Dr. Thomble: You're not helping.

Jedgun: It was cold too.

Kerb: Right! Covered that already. Bring a coat. NO SWEATERS!

Jedgun: Eeep!

Dr. Thomble: Why did I sign off on this...

Kerb: Jed, don't leave us in suspense. What happened with the radio.

Jedgun: Well...hett...I... I managed to jury-rig some of the batteries and a landing leg into a crude antenna... but I needed to wait for a full rotation of the Mun before I could get a signal through. I... I didn't.... I thought I'd gather samples. Yeah. XACC wanted dirt. Mun dirt. Dirt is important. Hetta hetta.

Jedgun: Its a bit hard to grab dirt in that s...suit, Kerb. Had to get down there real close and scoop it up. I put a lot of dirt in the capsule. They wanted dirt. I had dirt.

Kerb: Wow, that is... well, its not exciting. What else happened!

Jedgun: I, uh, well. I... uh...

Dr. Thomble: He fell asleep, Kerb.

Jedgun: That dirt was heavy! Plus, it was kinda nice... once you got over the cold, imminent threat of death, loneliness, sense of impending doom, radiation...

Kerb: I think we get the picture. Fascinating.

Dr. Thomble: Why don't we skip ahead to the radio signal.

Jedgun: Right! That was nice. so nice. They told me I could come home! Hetta hetta

Kerb: Knowing the stellar reputation of the XAC, I'm sure the return trip was perfectly executed.

Jedgun: EEeeiiiii

Kerb: That doesn't look that scary.

Dr. Thomble: Not that one, Kerb, the other one.

Kerb: This one?

Jedgun: EEEiiiiiiii!

Dr. Thomble: ...

Kerb: Oooh. Pretty.

Dr. Thomble: Why did I just do that?

Kerb: HEY! NO!

Jedgun: MrEeiiEEiieeee

What the.... where is he going?

Kerb: GET OUT OF THERE! Why are you under my desk!?

Dr. Thomble: This is all your fault, you know.

Kerb: Haha. Well- OW, STOP IT! Hah. I think we're out of time, folks! Thanks for watching!

Dr. Thomble: I think you need to visit us at the Hospital, Kerb. You've got some issues....

Kerb: Do Not!

Dr. Thomble: Sweater.

Kerb: Ahg! MOVE! I want under here too.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled marathon of 'Gee, I Sure Love Xackylvania. Be sure to tune in tomorrow for, uh, something. I hope.

Edited July 11, 2015 by Xacktar

[Xacktar]

man this is great so freakin great

*ahem* Yes, this writing is very good indeed. no spasms...

I'm looking forward to a next part with spasms. lots of them.

Have i given you rep? OH GOD I FORGOT THE REP! how did i forget to give rep before?! sorrrysorrysorrysorry

I kinda made the 'hetta' noise to be like a little involuntary shiver for poor Jedgun. He just wasn't the spasm type. Kerb, on the other hand...

Hehehehe

Oh, and thanks for the rep! My third green bubble thingy! Woo!

[TheDataMiner]

You took my suggestion!!! yay!

[Xacktar]

You took my suggestion!!! yay!

Yup yup! Was a good one, I think!

[KSK]

I kinda made the 'hetta' noise to be like a little involuntary shiver for poor Jedgun. He just wasn't the spasm type. Kerb, on the other hand...

Hehehehe

Oh, and thanks for the rep! My third green bubble thingy! Woo!

Your doctor can give you a creme for th... OH rep bubbles. Never mind, carry on.

[Xacktar]

Your doctor can give you a creme for th... OH rep bubbles. Never mind, carry on.

Using my own jokes against me?

I approve, carry on.