If your Kerbals could text you...

[Akinesis]

...what would they say?

They can text you while your playing or while your computers off. It doesn't matter! But what sort if conversations would you have with them? Or what would they say to you?

I'll start:

Me:

Jeb, I'm leaving work. I'll be on as soon as I get back! To the Mun, bro!!! ðŸ˜Â

Jeb:

No. Not tonight. Take Bob.

Me:

Why?! You're the main dude!

Jeb:

First reason, I've been to the Mun, like, six times this week. I'm bored with it. So it's someone else's turn. Second reason, you suck. You don't get the re-entry right and I crash every time. It was a novelty at first, but now it's just boring 😴 Also, buy some more RAM. Your framerate is nauseating.

Me:

You cut me deep bro. I think you need some time out on Eve. Hot and heavy!! 😠

Jeb:

You don't know how to get to Eve. And I've just deleted the MechJeb mod. lol

Me:

😵

[The Destroyer]

"What the heck are you planning!!!!"

[Starwhip]

Mellorf:

Would you please stop ramming Doodbur's MKAV [Mobile Kerbal Assault Vehicle: Prototype tank-like armored transport] into mine?! I know it's practically indestructible, but I hate getting out and fixing the damn wheels all day long.

Me:

Come on. It's not that bad! And besides, I could start crashing K-5's [K-5 Experimental Aircraft: Highly maneuverable jet fighter prototype] into you instead...

Mellorf:

Nevermind.

Me:

That's what I thought.

[Scotius]

Me: OK. Who wants to go to Duna? Not you Jeb. You've been there first.

Jeb: You suck.

Bill:...

Bob:...

Me: What? No one? Some explorers you are...

Bill: Can't we go to Laythe for a change? I'd volunteer...

Me: Sorry bro. I don't have time to sit for hours and babysit you in Jool 'hood.

Jeb: Wimp.

Me: Quiet, you. What about Dres? We don't go to Dres often.

Jeb: Booooriiingggg.

Bob: But...i like Dres. And boring. Boring is safe.

Jeb: Wuss.

Bill: Ehhh. Let's go to Dres then.

Me: Yay. I'll get ship ready.

Jeb: Not so fast dude. No one goes anywhere until you promise us extra snacks. And no more of that healthy, no-sugar krap.

Me: Yeah, yeah - whatever.

Bill: Scotius, dude - one more thing.

Me: Yes?

Bill: Don't forget solar panels this time. Sink?

Me:... Sink.

[FlamingPotatoes]

Bob: Do I have to go in the Novgorod 2? [Novgorod II: Mun lander concept]

Me: Yes! It'll work this time I promise!

Bob: But Bill is still stranded there!

Me: It didn't have enough fuel, but it'll work this time.

A few minutes later

Me: Ahh, flameout.

Bob: What did I tell you?

Me: Maybe I could go into a lower ascent pattern with the next flight...

Bob: *sigh*

[cantab]

Me: OK, ready for launch.

Bill: Hey! Waitiwaitwait-

Me: Liftoff!

*Rocket takes off. Rocket starts veering off course*.

Bill: Errm...

Me: Relax. Let the SAS handle it.

*Rocket veers more.*

Bill: This isn't good.

Me: ABORT! ABORT!

Bill: Waitno-

*Hits Backspace. Everything explodes.*

Bob, back at the astronaut complex: You really should check your abort actions better, you know.

[Starwhip]

You know, someone should put this in the Forum Games section.

[CalculusWarrior]

Jeb: Hey, you should play KSP! I've got all these great ideas about rockets to build and places to go!

Me: No, Jeb! I've got homework to to, remember?

Jeb: Awwww, are you sure? Can't you just play for a few minutes?

Me: Last time I tried to play 'for a few minutes' it turned into an entire Jool expedition! Not today!

Jeb: Fine...

*three minutes later*

Jeb: Hey, you should play KSP! I've got all these great ideas about rockets to build and places to go!

[Starwhip]

Me: No, Jeb, you can't have the darn snacks yet.

Jeb: Why not?

Me: We haven't even lifted off yet!

Jeb: Aaaand?

Bill: Yeah, what gives?

Me: Just-

Bob: Hey they're in here right?

Me: STAY OUT OF THAT CUPBOARD!

[Xacktar]

Lemme check my phone.

7 New Txts!

Fredler: u suck.

Alddo: You suck!

Jedski: you suk

Alrey: That was fun!

Patmon: YOU SUCK. WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN?

Dudrim: You suck.

Jeb: Can I come home yet?

[Duxwing]

All flights simulated. No Kerbals harmed in this production.

On the Interplanetary Shuttle

Jebediah: Another day in the Interplanetary Shuttle drifts by like we about Kerbin. KSC, when will we venture Duna's far, foreign sands?

Me: When the transfer window opens. Nice prose!

Jebediah: Thanks be to you, whose mighty rockets hurl us--OH WAIT, THEY DON'T!

Bob: We ought to launch soon. He's going postmodern.

Jebediah: I is in ur kitchun, eetin ur dereetoze.

Jebediah: I is in ur kitchun, eetin ur dereetoze.

Jebediah: I is in ur kitchun, eetin ur dereetoze.

Me: Jeb, stop! That's annoying!

Bob: Oh, you think that is annoying? Try listening to it fourteen hours a day, seven days a week!

Re-Entry from Minmus

Bill: I think you miscalculated the burn: our Kerbinar periapsis is 20km.

Me: Sounds about right.

Bill: What?

Bill: Wait...

Bill: SON OF A KERM!

Riding the Crew Lifter

Me: How's the gravity turn?

Richfrod: Tippy!

Ferdos: Exhilarating!

Elfal: Thrilling!

Me: Very funny, Elfal. Get off the Crew Lifter frequency.

Elfal: I can't.

Me: What do you mean, you "can't"?

Elfal: I lost all my bars after we breached the stratosphere!

Landing the Delwyn 4

Elfal: I can see KSC!

Me: Cut throttle and line up.

Elfal: Alright.

Elfal: The nose won't rise.

Elfal: Have we tested landing with little fuel?

Me: We will have soon!

-Duxwing

Edited March 24, 2014 by Duxwing

[LexiSilva]

If only somebody could make a phone app for this... that has certain responses linked to flight telemetry!

[The Jedi Master]

"LOLOLOLOLOLOL..."

Twenty-four hours a day...

[Spuds]

(Launching Orion MPCV mockup)

Jeb: Dood

Me: wat

Jeb: asparagus stages hit mainsail, going down

Me: ...

Jeb: abort pls

Me: ...

Bob: Hurry up and abort, Bill's crying

Me: im eating

Jeb: mother-

(Spashdown)

[Starwhip]

*whilst using RCS tug to disassemble station for a tutorial* [Tug latches onto part, spins it around an lets go]

Duncott: Hey, woah, what the heck just connected to us?

KLaDOS - Module disconnected

Duncott: Wait, what?!

*Tug starts to spin and build up centrifugal force*

Mellorf & Duncott: WHAT IN THE NAME OF KOD IS HAPPENING?!?!

*Tug lets go*

Mellorf & Duncott: Oh, s---

KLaDOS - Transmission Ended

Me: Thank you, KLaDOS.

[Accelerando]

"We will not go quietly into the night!"

[deadshot462]

Thanks for bringing us home.. in the middle of the desert. Any chance you could send us a plane to bring us to KSC? Hello?

[SkyRender]

Jeb: Hey boss, when do I get to fly?

Me: When you learn not to pancake everything I give you.

Jeb: That's half the fun!

Me: And this is why I fly the missions and not you.

Jeb: Spoilsport.

[Whackjob]

Jeb: When will your computer be built?

Me: Soon?

[Poryy]

Sigly: RESCUE ME FROM EVE!

Me: Later. You have science to do.

Sigly: All you need is a Hercules! You know it works!

Me: The flipping thing is so heavy that I'll have to invent new launchers to lift it!

Sigly: SHUT UP AND LAUNCH IT!

Me: Hey Adley!

Adley: Sup.

Me: You're going to Ike.

Adley: OK bro, just let me get my new pair of socks.

Dilfred: WHEEEEEE!

Me: What are you doing?

Dilfred: Geneny rigged up MOAR RCS thrusters, and now I can fly Khoine base around!

Me: But you're going at 133 m/s!

Dilfred: It's OK. I can land this thing 100% of the time.

Me: OK, just be careful, you have 2 biomes left to explore.

Dilfred: WOOOOOOOO!

Me: Hey Geneny! What's up? Dilfred being nice?

Geneny: I'm cleaning experiments.

Me: Want to go on EVA?

Geneny: You know what happened last time.

Me: Come on! You know your head clipping out of your helmet and your leg getting lodged in your shoulder isn't THAT bad.

Geneny: Yes it is, and shut up. I'm busy.

Jeb: I'm mad at you deleting me out of existence!

Bill: Me too!

Bob: ZZZzzZZzzzzz...

Me: But I didn't even delete you this save! You're doing productive science on a space station!

Jeb: Not talking to you.

Bill: Can I go to Ike too?

Kenney: I'm going to Dres!

Me: Yes, you are.

Kenney: Prometheus ships are awesome!

Me: Uh-huh.

Kenney: Rogee is asleep again. Can you send me another movie?

Me: Yep.

[ScallopPotato]

*aboard fritz station orbiting jool at 110,000 km

Chuck: I've been in my window room for over a year! Life is great! Wow look out the window!

Ribfen: This crew can is great!

Me: I'm surprised you two aren't bored. When do you want to come home?

Chuck: Whenever you feel like it it! Just don't install TAC LS!

[Liowen]

(During an eva at the launch pad)

Jeb: Ok I am ready to eva out and collect the science.

Me: ok just make sure you hang on to the.......(jeb falls to the ground) nevermind.

Jeb: I wish I had hands that would grab those rungs.

PS: Squad please fix Kerbal's randomly forgetting to use their hands so they actually grab the rungs on the capsule, because my poor keyboard is not liking me smashing it anymore.

[kinnison]

Jeb: Can I come home?

Me: not right now, I got to work on assembling the mun base

jeb: how about now?

Me: you just asked me 5 minutes ago? I am right in the middle of an ascent with Bob

Jeb: so is that a no?

Me: dude, i haven't even done a circulization burn!

Jeb: I have been circling minmus for DAYS now

Me: DAMMIT you made me stage too early and now i have to F9 the game.

Jeb: Can I come home?

[Helix935]

Bob: wait have you actually tested this rocket?

Me: well yes because i am

Bob: so how are you so sure that this will reach Mun?

Me: because uhh...

Bob: because this is your first launch after all since we started using these new giant parts?

Me:...

Bob: and you just built this like literally 5 minutes ago

Me:...

Bob: i need to pee

Me: *spacebar*

[going-to-the-MOON]

Jeb: Hey, we're stuck in Jool orbit without fuel...

Me: Yeah, I'm jut gonna get your reports, then transmit them.

Bob: Wait, what's gonna happen to us then?

Me: I'm gonna terminate the craft. You'll respawn in a few minutes...

Bill: Can't we just use the docking ports on the side to attach some fuel tanks?

Me: Yeah, but I don't know if I can get to Jool again.

Jeb: Just send a cheap unmanned craft.

Me: Eh... *terminates, they respawn 5 minutes later, and I forgot the reports*