The Joke Thread, Bad ones, Dad ones, maybe even some good ones :)

[gooddog15]

Whales are not a trampoline. If you jump off your roof onto your whale, you wont bounce, you will cause into internal bleeding.

Whales aren't laptops. Plugging them in wont charge them, they'll get electrocuted.

Whales are like balloons. If you stab them, they will die.

Whales have the same amount of oscars as leonardo decaprio. They have none.

Did I mention I love dogs?

[DMSP]

Two friends walk up to a counter at a bar, and one says "I would like some H2O". The bar tender asks "And what would you like?"

The other friend says "I would like some H2O too!"

The waiter looks at him, Puzzled. "H202?" "Ok then, coming right up!"

H2O2 is a Chemical used in Rocket fuels.

[Red Iron Crown]

A termite enters a saloon and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[PakledHostage]

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve your kahnd!". The rope asks why and the bartender says "you're a rope". The rope ties himself into a figure 8, musses up his ends a bit and says "I'm a frayed knot!".

[NASAFanboy]

Two friends walk up to a counter at a bar, and one says "I would like some H2O". The bar tender asks "And what would you like?"

The other friend says "I would like some H2O too!"

The waiter looks at him, Puzzled. "H202?" "Ok then, coming right up!"

H2O2 is a Chemical used in Rocket fuels.

Two scientists walk into a bar, and one says "I would like some H2O". The bartender asks the other scientist "And what would you like"?

The bartender says "Ok", and walks away. The scientist looks at his friend and asks "Why didn't you just say water?"

The other scientist looks at the ground, angry his assassination attempt has failed.

[MightyDarkStar]

When John and Edward went undercover in ISIS they were obviously - Jihad-ward!

[Nikolai]

A man once suffered from having a metal belly-button.

No matter what he tried, or what doctor he went to, he couldn't get rid of the metal belly-button. It was driving him a little crazy. After years of ineffective therapies, he finally decided to throw his lot in with a fortune teller on the outskirts of town.

"You're in luck," the fortune-teller said. "Metal belly-buttons are my specialty." She went into a back room and came back with a small cookie. "Eat this before going to sleep tonight."

It was worth a try. That night, he ate the cookie before going to bed. And when he slept, he had the most amazing dream! There was a stool in the middle of a white room. On the stool was a purple screwdriver, with a card that read, "For use with metal belly-buttons." He worked the metal belly-button with the screwdriver, but before he could tell whether or not it was doing any good, he woke up.

A quick glance at his abdomen revealed the happy truth. His metal belly-button was gone! He was so overjoyed and excited that he leaped out of bed...

... and his butt fell off.

[TythosEternal]

Your mama's so fat, everything she wears looks red.

(Wait for it...)

(Shamelessly stolen from 2^7th Nerd Disses, which is entirely worth the measly dollar they are asking: https://gumroad.com/l/nerddisses)

[gooddog15]

So a seal walks into a Club.......

[cantab]

When Bill and Jane got engaged, Bill gave Jane a ring with a Jool in it. But it turned out Bill had stolen it, so he got arrested by the Police. They paid a bribe though, so they got out the next Evening.

Eventually they did get married, though the ceremony started Laythe because Jane had trouble getting in her Dres. Jeb was the best man but he made a crude joke at the reception that got him Bopped on the head by Jane. As Jeb cried out "Ike!", a brawl broke out between the families and Bill tried Valliantly to calm things down but it was no use, everything had just got very Gilly. Someone got thrown through a wall, and the party was broken up before any Mo holes got made.

After the honeyMun the couple moved into their new house. It had been built after the rest on the street so it ended up being numbered Minmus 1. They said Eeloo to all their neighbours and offered them tea and Duna sandwiches. Someone tripped in the kitchen and a Tylo two broke; the sharp edges were unsafe so Jane put them in Ker bin.