Advice for dealing with rejection?

[Dman979]

Ah, crap.

So I asked a girl out today, and she said no. I know I screwed up- it was the second time I asked. But I thought I had a chance: before, she had said she was having guy problems.

So I keep talking to her, and the guy she was going to date dumped her the next day.

I take the train every day. Her friend- and mine too, now- tries to help me with her. It seems to be going well: she's playing with her hair when we talk, hints that she is single, and so on.

Yesterday, she's in a bad mood. Doesn't want to talk, quiet. I send her emails with jokes to cheer her up, and again, get a positive response- hearts and stuff.

Today, she passes me in the hallway, and instead of exchanging Hi's, she tells me how much she liked the jokes.

On the train ride, she and I talk, chat, and generally have fun together.

When I get home, we email back and forth.

She says "Do u still like mw??" I, being a good speller, assume she means "me." So I send her an email, asking her out, and saying yes, I do like her.

I get a "sorry, no."

I'm going to give up trying with her. It's not going to happen, and I won't be hurt for a 3rd time.

How do you recommend getting over it? And how should I act when I see her in the hall?

[zekes]

I know how you feel, it's rough getting rejected - I've been in your shoes before. Sometimes she just doesn't like you, no matter how cool or nice or charming you are. You just have to accept that she likes you as a friend but not as relationship material. I know it's hard to let go or to not feel malice toward her, but just be a good person, a friend. It's hard i know, but being nice is often all you can do.

[Dman979]

Yeah. Part of me wants to say "WTFunk? What were you doing?" and part of me wants to ignore her, and part of me wants to try again (I'll ignore that part) and part of me wants to just be friends and part of me wants to say "Whatever, it's her loss, not yours."

[ZedNova]

I warn you not to accept any advice from me when it comes to women.

I would have replied to the email saying "Yeah, i like you as a friend. :)".

[PakledHostage]

Ah, crap.

...

How do you recommend getting over it? And how should I act when I see her in the hall?

Always be polite, but in my experience it is very difficult to be friends with someone who you're romantically interested in. You're most likely going to have to distance yourself from her or you're just going to end up feeling even more hurt.

And remember that some girls just like to be what I call "a carrot". You know the old trick of hanging a carrot on a stick in front of a donkey so that the donkey walks where you want it to, thinking that it'll eventually get the carrot if it just keeps pursuing? Don't be the donkey.

[Dman979]

Yeah, but the thing is, I liked her as more than a friend, and I usually answer questions honestly.

Oh yeah, and another part of me is wondering if the "typo" was purposeful and a trap. Ah.....

PackledHostage-

Oh, I can definitely see myself being that person.

[vger]

And remember that some girls just like to be what I call "a carrot". You know the old trick of hanging a carrot on a stick in front of a donkey so that the donkey walks where you want it to, thinking that it'll eventually get the carrot if it just keeps pursuing? Don't be the donkey.

Pretty much what I'm getting from this. It's like the more diabolical version of "friend zoning." Keep someone close enough to lean on whenever relationships go bad, but far enough that it never becomes more than a relationship. The more vulgar term for this is "slave."

[Dman979]

Idk, i might not say slave, but it's still cruel to the close-distant someone.

Also, that made me feel a whole lot better about myself.

*sarcasm*

Oh yeah, I can be sarcastic when hurt. Not your fault.

[vger]

Also, that made me feel a whole lot better about myself.*sarcasm*

Nothing to feel bad about, really. With this sort of thing, it doesn't matter how bad or good you are (big shock, this usually happens to the good ones).

My dating history contains a long line of sociopaths, and they all played this sick game.

There's the notion that good friends are people for girls to hang out with between dating jerks. It's a stereotype for a reason.

Edited March 12, 2015 by vger

[PakledHostage]

IdOh yeah, I can be sarcastic when hurt. Not your fault.

Reading between the lines, you're probably in your late teens or early twenties. In that case, I'm probably closer to your dad's age than yours, but with that comes a bit of wisdom... We all do/have done it to ourselves and it hurts, but you eventually learn to just move on. Respect yourself and the girls will respect you. Heck, you'll probably even find that you feel liberated in a day or two.

[RainDreamer]

So being someone who is on the other side, and have reject people who came to me, I want to say something: it is usually not personal. It is not about you personally, it is just that at this point in time she is not ready for committing into a relationship yet. Or that simply you are not her type, which means a bunch of people could have been in the same boat at you, not just you alone. Just remember, no matter what some people say and some shows on the media portray, there are not that many girls who would just lead you on for no reason and reject you out of malice. There is nothing to gain from it but hatred, and aside from pathologically manipulative people who gain pleasure from feeling in control of other's emotion, normal people doesn't want that.

Also, you could be going too fast, because well, even if she likes you, she would be taken aback if suddenly you ask her out when she didn't think you would. You could have misinterpreting the signals, since we all know how cloudy our judgement are when it comes to love.

I think it is better to just go on with your life normally. Let her know you like her, but don't push it and be a friend. Perhaps she will have more time to think about it, and might have something more definitive to say the next time. Just don't take it too hard either way.

*hugs*

Edit: If you don't feel like trying anymore, then put some distance, distract yourself. Shoot some kerbals to space. The more you think about it, the more you are training your brain to memorize it, forming neurological pathways and reinforce that memory. So just go do something else and let it be overwritten by new memory. It gets easier with time.

Edited March 12, 2015 by RainDreamer

[Sampa]

First of all, good idea with choosing to move on! She was almost toying with you when she asked you if you liked her. That was getting your hopes up! To ask that and then say no, hell no! You don't want a girl like that! It doesn't matter how gorgeous she is! I went through that for a year only to find out that the girl never even liked me! MOVE ON! She is not worth you time!

[Bill Phil]

So, second time asking this person?

Maybe you should've said it face to face. And then give her an imperative: Go on ONE date with you, just to see how well you guys click, or not go on a date at all.

Probably not good advice. But if it is, then me not taking would explain my distinct lack of girlfriends.... Or maybe I'm just not proactive.

Also, get to know the family, that and just hang out more.

But all that is more general. For this situation, you should move on.

But the question is, do you put her needs before your desires?

[zekes]

Yeah. Part of me wants to say "WTFunk? What were you doing?" and part of me wants to ignore her, and part of me wants to try again (I'll ignore that part) and part of me wants to just be friends and part of me wants to say "Whatever, it's her loss, not yours."

Exactly how i feel so often.

[andrew123]

Exactly how i feel so often.

I've never experienced rejection before.

I should really try socializing with the opposite gender more...

The experience could come in handy after college.

[Kulebron]

She was almost toying with you when she asked you if you liked her. That was getting your hopes up! To ask that and then say no, hell no! You don't want a girl like that!

Exactly. I just saw a similar story where a guy was staying around the girl all the time and her being cold and just passively accept everything out of boredom. This doesn't make even a good friendship.

As a general rule, girls need to do something proactively in relationships too, otherwise they at least get bored. It depends a lot on a person which way she does it, but I've never seen or been into a relationship where just one person did everything. And just spending time together, or inviting to invest more don't count.

Edited March 12, 2015 by Kulebron

[Special Agent Sigvan]

Ignore it and move on, there will be more, get back out there. Try again.

[Nibb31]

Run kid.

Put some distance between you and this chick. Throw a bucket of water on that little spark of hope in the back of your head. If you have feelings for her and she doesn't, then sticking around her will only hurt you even more.

[RainDreamer]

While I would agree with the opinion that OP probably should move on from this girl (if OP really want to do that), somehow it sounds like OP is running from cthulhu for me from some of the response.

“The Thing cannot be described - there is no language for such abysms of shrieking and immemorial lunacy, such eldritch contradictions of all matter, force, and cosmic order. A mountain walked or stumbled.â€Â

[Nibb31]

Man, I'd rather face Chthulu than go through some of the stuff I've gone through.

[Dman979]

Reading between the lines, you're probably in your late teens or early twenties. In that case, I'm probably closer to your dad's age than yours, but with that comes a bit of wisdom... We all do/have done it to ourselves and it hurts, but you eventually learn to just move on. Respect yourself and the girls will respect you. Heck, you'll probably even find that you feel liberated in a day or two.

Dang, you're good at that! yeah, I am in my late teens/early 20s- don't want to get more specific. Some good advice here, thanks .

So being someone who is on the other side, and have reject people who came to me, I want to say something: it is usually not personal. It is not about you personally, it is just that at this point in time she is not ready for committing into a relationship yet. Or that simply you are not her type, which means a bunch of people could have been in the same boat at you, not just you alone. Just remember, no matter what some people say and some shows on the media portray, there are not that many girls who would just lead you on for no reason and reject you out of malice. There is nothing to gain from it but hatred, and aside from pathologically manipulative people who gain pleasure from feeling in control of other's emotion, normal people doesn't want that.

Also, you could be going too fast, because well, even if she likes you, she would be taken aback if suddenly you ask her out when she didn't think you would. You could have misinterpreting the signals, since we all know how cloudy our judgement are when it comes to love.

I think it is better to just go on with your life normally. Let her know you like her, but don't push it and be a friend. Perhaps she will have more time to think about it, and might have something more definitive to say the next time. Just don't take it too hard either way.

*hugs*

Edit: If you don't feel like trying anymore, then put some distance, distract yourself. Shoot some kerbals to space. The more you think about it, the more you are training your brain to memorize it, forming neurological pathways and reinforce that memory. So just go do something else and let it be overwritten by new memory. It gets easier with time.

Thanks for the tips. It doesn't make it any easier, but it helps me understand, a bit. I have a ton of questions I want to ask you because you're on the other side and can answer them.

I don't think it was b/c she didn't want a relationship. I think I stuck my foot in it- I asked why. The response? "I'm getting back together with the guy I broke up with a few weeks ago" which confuses me; she started talking to me roughly the time of her breakup.

First of all, good idea with choosing to move on! She was almost toying with you when she asked you if you liked her. That was getting your hopes up! To ask that and then say no, hell no! You don't want a girl like that! It doesn't matter how gorgeous she is! I went through that for a year only to find out that the girl never even liked me! MOVE ON! She is not worth you time!

Ah, I think I forgot to mention that I've not had much luck with this type of thing . I've got this horrible habit of trying twice, it's something I should have learned by now .

So, second time asking this person?

Maybe you should've said it face to face. And then give her an imperative: Go on ONE date with you, just to see how well you guys click, or not go on a date at all.

Probably not good advice. But if it is, then me not taking would explain my distinct lack of girlfriends.... Or maybe I'm just not proactive.

Also, get to know the family, that and just hang out more.

But all that is more general. For this situation, you should move on.

But the question is, do you put her needs before your desires?

Yes, I should have spoken face to face. What do you mean in the last sentence?

Exactly. I just saw a similar story where a guy was staying around the girl all the time and her being cold and just passively accept everything out of boredom. This doesn't make even a good friendship.

As a general rule, girls need to do something proactively in relationships too, otherwise they at least get bored. It depends a lot on a person which way she does it, but I've never seen or been into a relationship where just one person did everything. And just spending time together, or inviting to invest more don't count.

Looking objectively, this might have described our communication. But it's hard to be objective, and when we did spend time together, she seemed to enjoy it.

Ignore it and move on, there will be more, get back out there. Try again.

Well, life goes on

Run kid.

Put some distance between you and this chick. Throw a bucket of water on that little spark of hope in the back of your head. If you have feelings for her and she doesn't, then sticking around her will only hurt you even more.

So are you saying don't even be friends with her?

While I would agree with the opinion that OP probably should move on from this girl (if OP really want to do that), somehow it sounds like OP is running from cthulhu for me from some of the response.

She's not cthulhu. But I do want advice on how to deal with her. :|

[Nibb31]

So are you saying don't even be friends with her?

If it's going to hurt you when she dates someone else, then yes.

A good friend is someone who is happy to see you happy. You won't be a good friend if you have feelings for her and she is happy with someone else.

Edited March 12, 2015 by Nibb31

[Sampa]

Ah, I think I forgot to mention that I've not had much luck with this type of thing . I've got this horrible habit of trying twice, it's something I should have learned by now .

Don't worry, I am single due to constantly being rejected by every girl I ask out! (so far, I have been friend-zoned once and outright rejected once) Yeah, I have no luck with the ladies in any way

[EdFred]

It happens, it will continue to happen. Expect a 98% rejection rate. Move on to someone else. Consider it money saved.

[RainDreamer]

Thanks for the tips. It doesn't make it any easier, but it helps me understand, a bit. I have a ton of questions I want to ask you because you're on the other side and can answer them.

I don't think it was b/c she didn't want a relationship. I think I stuck my foot in it- I asked why. The response? "I'm getting back together with the guy I broke up with a few weeks ago" which confuses me; she started talking to me roughly the time of her breakup.

She's not cthulhu. But I do want advice on how to deal with her. :|

Welp, I think both you and her are in really difficult situations then.

Possible things that may be going on:

1. She just needed a friend to hang out with after the break up, and she had fun with you. She did not think you as more than a friend, but she noticed you seem to like her after the first time, and that question was for confirmation so she know for sure if you are just hanging out as a friend, or if you are still pinning on her and probably find a way to let you down a bit easier so she can still keep a friend, but then you asked her out again, and well, things happened. Probably was very awkward for her too. So she say something about getting back to the other guy to ease the awkwardness a bit, like saying "it is not like I turn you down personally, I just still have feeling with the other guy, don't take it too hard."

2. She is actually still technically dating the other guy, and their "breakup" was just temporary. Sometimes happen after a fight. The worst case scenario was that you were just being used as a rebound, though she could have gone much further if that is the case. She could actually still be thinking of the other guy when she talk with you and her signal was not meant for you. One of the possible thought process she might have goes like this: "Sometimes I feel kind of lonely being single..(cause I miss him, I hope we can get back soon. But oh gosh if I say that it would sound like I am desperate for attention on my break up like some kind of drama queen, and like, why am I even thinking about him now ? We broke up! I should be angry about this, he should apologize to me ins- oh wait my friend is saying something, better not leave him there) So yeah, I appreciate your companion." Part in bracket is inner thoughts . (disclaimer: probably not everyone think the same was as I portray or say the same thing, but I hope that provide some perspective of what *might* have happened) See how easily misunderstood it is, especially when coupled with your heart struck state of mind?

Then you took those misunderstood signals and sending back signals that you still like her. She picked that up, and well, she realized she should do something to clear that and ask if you still like her as a confirmation, instead of being an idiot saying things in the case you didn't even like her. And things happened. Relationship sure is a pain huh? =/ Not easy for either side.

It would be real nice if you can stay as friends, but in the case that you can't, then keep distance, but tell her why, or she might thought you are actually mad at her, and she being apologetic about things can be misinterpreted by you again and the vicious cycle continues. Keep lines of communication clear. It helps things like this a lot.