The NEW Kerb Kerman Show! (Now with 85% less evil!)

[Xacktar]

We will return you to 'Gee, I sure love how Xacktar is dead!' in just a few minutes, but now it's time to say hello to an old and trusted friend. Ladies and Manleys, straight from the All-Kerbin Makehappy Psychiatric Facility... It's Kerb Kerman!

Kerb: Thank you, Bob. It's great to be back! I am so happy to see your... well, I can't see your face. You're behind the camera. All I see are your hands... so great to see your hands again, Bob.

Back atcha, Boss.

Kerb: Thanks... I think. Pointing face at camera-time! Hello everyone! I'm so glad to pretend that I'm seeing you! I know it's been a whole year since we last saw each other. So much has happened in that time! The KKS Studio utterly destroyed! An evil dictator overthrown! A new government established!

And your stay at the psychiatric hos-

Kerb:ANYWAYS! I am happy to report that after a generous grant from the Kerbal Republic of Better Than The Last Guy and a case of Tekuila we bribed Oggy with, our studio is now back in working order and no-longer home to a nest of radioactive squids.

Dr. Thomble:: Is this really a good idea?

Kerb: With me today is Dr. Thomble Kerman, totally because we wanted him on the show and not because it was a condition of my release!

Dr. Thomble:: Kerb...

Kerb: Now, Dr. Thomble, since you're the only one I'm allowed to be near at the moment, why don't you tell our viewers a little about what's happened since our last broadcast.

Dr. Thomble:: Alright, Kerb. I'm going to use the clicker now. I'm going to press the button to make a picture come up. How do you feel about that?

Kerb: Fine. Yup. Totally fine. No urges to take you down in a flying tackle and tear it out of your tiny, tiny hands. Nope.. none at all.

Dr. Thomble:: Good. *Sigh* Well, of course we have this amazing picture of the Great Xackylvanian Monument of How Awesome I Am being destroyed in the aftermath of High Lord Emperor Xacktar's fall.

Kerb: Well, he didn't really fall.

Dr. Thomble:: Pardon?

Kerb: It was more like everything fell on him. You know, more a SQUISH-ing type deal, only with a lot of fire. Jeb was there too!

Dr. Thomble:: It's a figure of speech, Kerb.

Kerb: No, I don't think so. He WAS giving a speech, but he definitely didn't have any figure after that rocket landed on him. It was more like a pud-

Dr. Thomble:: Kerb! Stay focused.

Kerb: Right! So... evil statue head popped right off, just like in the studio when-

Dr. Thomble:: KERB!

Kerb: Fiiiiine. So, Dr. Kerbal-who-doesn't-like-fun, what happened next.

Dr. Thomble:: Well, to be honest, there was a lot of *ahem* 'celebration' over the following weeks.

Kerb: I stole half a Mun buggy!

I raided the Emergency Snack Storage Station.

Dr. Thomble:: *sigh* How wonderful for you both. ...What would you even do with half a Mun buggy?

Kerb: Oh, I had Oggy weld it to my half of a fuel truck.

Dr. Thomble:: ...

Kerb: There's a picture of it. If you let me have my clicker for a second. Just a second.

Dr. Thomble:: No.

Kerb: C'mon. I just want to press it once. Just one press... one click...

Dr. Thomble:: NO!

Kerb: Oh yeah. She is beautiful.

Dr. Thomble:: That... I... Where did you get half of a fuel truck? No, wait. I don't want to know. I just don't.

Kerb: It's a great story. You see, it was right after the failed launch that sent that thruster assembly right into the fuel tanks by the space plane hanger. You remember that? It was the one two weeks before the splat of Lord Xacktar, not the one that detonated the solid fuel depository, though. It was great, Oggy came to me with-

Dr. Thomble:: ENOUGH! No. I said no, Kerb. Bad Kerb! I think someone needs a time out.

Kerb: Aww.

We'll be right back after this tearful rendition of 'Woohoo, The Mean Guy is Dead!' Stay tuned!

- - - Updated - - -

We now return you to the host who's not just crazy, he's crazy for you! It's Kerb Kerman!

Kerb: Thank you, Bob. You know, I have to give a big thank you to Bob for coming back to the show after betraying the KKS, blowing up the studio...

Dr. Thomble:: Why exactly ARE you here, Bob? You played a pivotal role in the revolution. You should be a senator.

I like it back here. It's cozy.

Kerb: ...having me committed. Taking my clicker away.

Dr. Thomble:: None of that now, Kerb. Why don't we talk about something less rage-inducing, like politics.

Kerb: Right! What's that?

Dr. Thomble:: *Sigh* The new government? A true republic where every kerbal has a vote? Weren't you there at the signing of the Declaration of Not Wanting to Do That Again?

Kerb: No, you locked me in the room with the bouncy walls that day.

Dr. Thomble:: Oh, right. Well, we should have a picture. Here.

Kerb: I don't see any paper on the table.

Dr. Thomble:: Well, everything is digital now, you know. I think this was taken when they were all reading the EULA for signing the declaration.

Kerb: Did they actually read it or did they just play Auto-Candy Pop! on their phones? That's what I do when they make me sign something.

Dr. Thomble:: I... don't know. I'm a doctor. I'm a very busy person who doesn't have time to read lengthy documents or pay attention to what government officials are actually doing.

Kerb: Same here.

Me too.

Dr. Thomble:: You're both doctors?

Kerb: What?

I had plenty of time to study between shows.

Dr. Thomble:: Perhaps we should move on with the show, Kerb.

Kerb: Ok! Politics, Digital Declarations! Totally oblivious to what our new governement is up to! Riveting stuff. Tell us more, Doc!

Dr. Thomble:: Right, well. As you know...ok, you probably don't... as everyone else knows, Jeb, Bill, and our friend Bob here.

Dr. Bob, actually

Dr. Thomble:: Right. They were all instrumental in bringing down the evil Lord Xacktar. They were honored for their bravery and ability to not get blown up or sent to space.

Kerb: But Jeb was sent to space.

Dr. Thomble:: That's a minor technicality.

Kerb: And he did blow up my studio!

Dr. Thomble:: Kerb, pay attention. You're the host of this show, you should-

Kerb: I am! I ask questions that are pre-approved by the glorious regime of his High Lord... wait, I'm not supposed to do that anymore, am I? What is my job now?

Dr. Thomble:: Well, you ask questions, but you don't need to cover up the truth anymore.

Kerb: Really? Wow. You wouldn't think they'd just let me do that on a national broadcast. So I can talk about how I got that infection on my-

Dr. Thomble:: Perhaps not THAT kind of truth, Kerb.

Kerb: The creme did help, by the way.

Dr. Thomble:: *Sigh* Let's just put another picture up.

Kerb: Lookin Good, Bob.

Thanks, Boss.

Dr. Thomble:: The three new heroes of the republic put together a mission to rescue all the other kerbals who have been stranded in space during the last five decades.

Kerb: Wow! How'd it go?

Dr. Thomble:: Well...

Kerb: This is so weird.

Dr. Thomble:: Well, not really. They were working off of a Xacktar design.

Kerb: No, I mean... I have this sudden urge to have you arrested and tell the viewers that this was a weather balloon.

Dr. Thomble:: It's ok, Kerb. Let it out.

Kerb: I mean, it's obviously NOT a weather balloon. There's nothing balloon-like about it. Why would anyone believe that?

Dr. Thomble:: Well, there was all that business with the drugged snacks...

Kerb: That makes me hungry.

Me too.

Kerb: Do we still have those commercial things, Bob?

Actually, we have some new ones now.

Kerb: Great! We'll be right back after these blatant lies about products you don't even need!

Stay tuned for more of the Kerb Kerman show!

- - - Updated - - -

Welcome back to the show where history comes back from the dead! It's the Kerb Kerman Show!

Kerb: Thank you, Bob. It's great to be back, everyone. I feel so stable and not-at-all insane anymore.

Dr. Thomble:: I wish I could believe that.

Kerb: There's something that's been bothering me.

Dr. Thomble:: Just one thing?

Kerb: Why do we still have a space program? As a well-loved and respected celebrity, I can say that I bribed, cheated and lied my way out of ever having to be sent on a mission to space because it was scary and I don't wanna. So why are we still building rockets?

Dr. Thomble:: I'm surprised, Kerb.

Kerb: Oh?

Dr. Thomble:: That actually is a good question. Here, have a cookie.

Kerb: Yay!

Dr. Thomble:: There are a couple of reasons, the main one being that 96% of our remaining population works for the space program, so when they voted to shut it down everyone was afraid of losing thier jobs.

Kerb: Why didn't they want to make cookies for a living?

Dr. Thomble:: All foodstuffs, construction and maintenance is automated by robot kerbals, you should know this, Kerb. Remember when they tried to replace you with a robot show host?

Kerb: I poured juice on him and he caught on fire.

Dr. Thomble:: There's also the matter of the hundreds of kerbals stranded inside capsules, space stations, and ships crashed on other planets. Here, I have another picture.

Dr. Thomble:: This is Wiltop Kerman. He's been on Duna for forty-six years.

Kerb: I bet he's hungry.

Dr. Thomble:: We can't just leave him there. What kind of horrible person would leave kerbals stranded all over the solar system?

Kerb: Alright, enough staring at the audience.

Dr. Thomble:: The point is, we have to rescue our fellow kerbals!

Kerb: So who is in charge of the space program now?

Dr. Thomble:: Ah, well...

Kerb: What?

Dr. Thomble:: Well, there was a vote. We vote now, you know. All about the popular vote... yeah.

Kerb: Bob, can you tell me who's in charge now?

Oggy won by a landslide.

Kerb: Ooooohhh.

Dr. Thomble:: He is popular, I will give him that. I just worry about the future...

Kerb: Well, Doc, you must admit that Oggy is the best rocket designer we have.

Dr. Thomble:: Sadly, this is true. I just doubt the effectiveness of his 'administration' style.

Hey Kerb, you know that water tower out by the fuel tanks?

Kerb: Yeah?

It's full of whiskey now.

Kerb: Oooooh.

Dr. Thomble:: He also installed a swimming pool and spends most of the budget on weekly beach parties.

Kerb: That looks fun! Can I go?

Dr. Thomble:: I'll think about it.

Kerb: That always means no.

Dr. Thomble::You've done good today, Kerb. Do you think you could come back to host the show again?

Kerb: Will I get my clicker back?

Dr. Thomble:: I'll think about it.

Kerb: Awwww. What do you think, Bob?

I think we're almost out of time here.

Kerb: Thanks, Bob. I'd like to thank Dr. Thomble Kerman for letting me out of my cell and the Kerbal Republic of Better Than The Last Guy for funding the new Kerb Kerman Show! This is Kerb Kerman saying GIMME MY CLICKER! GRAHH!

Dr. Thomble:: NO! BAD KERB! DOWN!

Stick around, another episode of 'Gee, I Sure Love How Xacktar is Dead!' is coming up right after the break!

Edited July 25, 2015 by Xacktar

[Windspren]

Hilarious. Awesome. Disturbing.

[KSK]

It's back!!

I declare this to be National Rejoicing-Nutting-Spacecraft-and-Stabbing-Minmus-with-a-FLAG Day!

Now I just need a less clunky acronym...

[Xacktar]

Hilarious. Awesome. Disturbing.

Three of my favorite words. Thanks. ^^

It's back!!

I declare this to be National Rejoicing-Nutting-Spacecraft-and-Stabbing-Minmus-with-a-FLAG Day!

Now I just need a less clunky acronym...

I dunno, sounds like a perfectly good Xackylvanian acronym to me.

[Theoderich]

Glory to the Republic!

I missed your show, good to see it is back.

[Starwhip]

Give him the damn clicker back before someone gets it!

[Fred Cop]

A water-tank containing Whiskey?

Is this "Oggy" a Scots-Kerbal?

[Xacktar]

Glory to the Republic!

I missed your show, good to see it is back.

Good to be back!

Give him the damn clicker back before someone gets it!

CLICK!

A water-tank containing Whiskey?

Is this "Oggy" a Scots-Kerbal?

For more information on Ogden 'Oggy' Kerman, please refer to this historical archive: The Kerb Kerman Show!

[KSK]

Oggy is like Jeb but without the self restraint and regard for safety precautions.

[Rolanvorxariat]

Hilarious. Awesome. Disturbing.

Exactly.

[Whirligig Girl]

Neato. But if Oggy runs the space program, why are all of the Xactar Fun-Videos of Kerb'd Uppiness that take place after the splat of Xactar still published by the Xactar Youb Too publishing agency?

[livefree75]

Kerb sounds like he's gone without snacks for a very long time.

Great show!

[Rath]

It's back!

[Tw1]

Tis back! Woohoo! A beautifully set up opening episode, I can almost smell the potential of this post-Xacktarian setting.

I've long said representative democracy is just choosing your own dictators.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Tw1

[Whirligig Girl]

I want to watch an episode of "Gee, I sure love Xaclyvania!" and "Gee, I sure love how Xactar is dead!"

[astrokerb]

This is awesome!

Kerb should interview Lemsted again. I have a feeling there would be a lot of "I told you so"s.

[Rath]

Please continue. Please.

[Engineer of Stuff]

Yes! It is back!

[astrokerb]

When is the next episode?

[Tw1]

On 11/07/2015 at 3:19 AM, Xacktar said:

Kerb: Great! We'll be right back after these blatant lies about products you don't even need!

Best line.

On 03/02/2016 at 2:22 AM, astrokerb said:

When is the next episode?

When Xack is ready for it.

[Kernel Kraken]

The sad thing, the posts are longer than the actual Kerr Kerman episode, and it's still in Xack's signature