[Warning, Drama!] Relationship advice thread

[Goddess Bhavani]

Okay, so this is possibly the worst place to ask for relationship advice. It's like OMG, I'm being accused of creating drama in the craft builder forums already. But anyway I trust the KSP community to apply moar booster strategy into every possible facet of life, soap opera stuff included.

Here goes:

I'm in a relationship where I'm doing good. Along the way in life I picked up some education in applied psychology and I can understand and help people with special needs so yeah, I am capable of handling and turning issues such as autism, ADD, psychosis, etc, into something positive in a person's life.

But I'm having a hell of a time managing things; it's not like in my day job where resolving a problem means applying a solution and making sure it sticks.

At some point in the relationship the partner's parents, and then the family, started using me as a sort of emotional punching bag to blame all sorts of problems onto my person (we don't even meet up or communicate online with the family, go figure). Every conversation with the partner becomes sort of gossip scandal where I did this and I did that and I will just reply - where do your parents/siblings fabricate all the stories from?

I have used (in this order) tolerance, understanding, reason, problem-solving, assertion, and outright anger to stop people from leaving hate messages on my phone at work. Yesterday I lost it because a 10 year old kid hijacked the partner's phone, used it to send hate messages and when I called to enquire what was wrong, I get told off in low-class gangster talk to shut the F* up B****.

I was like wow. Do they educate their kids? Manners? Respect for people 2, 3 times their age and contributing economically (yes I pay for my partner)? I left text and verbal warnings of that note.

So yeah, I suck at relationships, although I am the 'people person' in my department and absolutely enjoy resolving issues raised by irate customers and formerly-hostile colleagues. I'm sorry for the rant but I feel like a failure. But I thought to ask before I go build some strange crazy thing in KSP 1.0.5 - how do people deal with a relationship where the family is toxic?

[sjwt]

*not responsible for advice taken or not taken*

Dealing with any toxic people is bad,

The most important things to do are to establish who else can see it, your relatives and friends, and theirs, as well as your partner.

Once you know who else see's it, you have a framework of support as well as knowing that the issue is not internalised or blown up, if your partner does not see it, then you need to either get them on your side or consider calling it a day, of course take some decent time with that, not talking days here.

If you have support from within their family or them, you need to work on getting them to point it out subtle like, if that doesn't work you and your partner need to consider a straight forward "look, this is bull ...., if you can't pick up your act, then we have to disassociate ourselves"

[vger]

Sorry if this comes off in an unintended way. I'm absolutely in no way, bigoted, but I'm curious if bigotry may be at the heart of this. Is the relationship in anyway outside the socially-accepted norms of the traditional status quo? It may be that the family doesn't approve not because of who you are as a person, but because of some near-sighted dogmatic nonsense. Sometimes even being of a different denomination in the same religion can draw a lot of flak, to say nothing about the more 'extreme' kinds of relationships we have in the world now. At least, bigotry is what it sounds like to me. Even for stereotypical in-laws that everyone has heard horror tales about, this sounds way outside the normal "I really don't like that person" and is going way deep into creepy psychotic stalker territory. You could legally get restraining orders based on what I'm reading, and that's pretty telling about how unstable these people are.

Additionally, what does your partner think of this? It sounds like whoever that is should be telling the family to F-off. It's not your job to become an even bigger "bad guy" by telling them what they deserve to hear.

Edited November 10, 2015 by vger

[T-Bouw]

Well I for one defend/protect my girlfriend and families from each other and themselves in every way.

If there's an argument, I play the middle man. If one has a bad/wrong oppinion of another, I immediately correct them.

That way I hope things will stay cool before they have the chance to heat up.

Sometimes though, situations are beyond my help and I've lost contact with relatives.

I don't know if your partner already does this, but you'll have to stand up for each other, for whatever minor thing it is.

[p1t1o]

*appropriate disclaimer - internet based relationship advice grade*

You don't say much about how your partner has reacted to all this, if at all. There is also a hint that perhaps you are in the relationship because you think you can protect or heal someone - this is not a healthy way to start a relationship and can leave you stuck in a bad place, unable to be "that guy" who breaks up with someone who needs help. You are never obligated to be in a relationship.

And if you are in the relationship with the sole purpose of "resolving issues", then that is not fair on them either.

I think that you need to consider why said partner has not done anything to resolve the issue. If my family started making such behaviour toward my partner, you can bet I would have something to say to them.

Why have they not stood up to them? Are they even aware of the magnitude of the problem? How do they react when there is a new "event"? From your, admittedly brief, explanation, it doesn't seem like they think there is anything amiss at all - "gossip scandal" doesn't imply much indignation on their part, in fact it implies a degree of belief in what the family is saying/doing.

If said partner does not seem concerned, that would be a major red flag in my book.

And nuisance phone calls? Call the police. Especially when it is starting to involve your place of employment. Seriously, this is a major breach. If you ignore it and it turns into something serious, or a real crime, then you only have one person to blame.

If, on mentioning the possible involvement of the authorities, your partner gets very annoyed, cut and run.

Apologies if my advice appears pessimistic, of course, us here on the other side of your monitor don't know the situation very well at all. I can only assume that since it is turning up here, in this place, that something out of the ordinary is happening so I go straight for the extra-ordinary advice, this very rarely results in optimism. And people can be very reluctant to come to bad conclusions when it involves their love/relationships.

Good luck! I hope everything i said is way wide of the mark!

[Mikki]

... ..., how do people deal with a relationship where the family is toxic?

Hello pandoras kitten

My best advice to you is: leave them if you can, for the sake of your own life, and don`t regret.

Toxic people stay toxic unless they realize that "the problem" is within themselfs, which is mostlikely not often the case.

Until then they speculate and hope for the attention, help, time, whatever, of non toxic people, like you are maybe.

Most people see, hear and tell what they want, and not, what is.

"Idols" are good for some, beeing an idol yourself is not fun.

Welcome to the reality, you are not alone with your problems. But still, solving them yourself is your duty, or they are at least in your range.

Stay proud, solid, reasonable.

Keep in mind that "normal" behavior means suitable for you and others. This applies to all people, so if the behavior of certain people doesn`t suit you, you are (or should be) free to leave (them).

Greetings Mikki

(Me thinks you are very suitable in this place, please stay and post as many crazy crafts you like:wink:!)

Edited November 10, 2015 by Mikki

[Brethern]

It's not you, there are plenty of insecure people in the world who have to blame others for their own failings.

Best thing to do is walk away and keep a record of everything, people like this tend to not take kindly to being left.

[Goddess Bhavani]

Hi!

Thanks for all your great feedback! I am very appreciative of all the replies here and they're very useful for managing my situation. I think we managed to make a few improvements to the situation without upsetting anyone and you're right; there is an element of cross-cultural interaction involved, and this must definitely be handled at the partner's end - and she has agreed with the same as well.

I'm very impressed with the scope and depth of all your replies and they are all dead on. I didn't actually want to give a lot of details that might prove too personal or too much 'dirty laundry' for a spaceflight game forum but you're all correct!

The notion that my partner should take control of the issues on her side of things is definitely valid but I had no opportunity to advise her of the same prior to this "incident", but rest assured she has taken necessary measures to ensure no one touches her communications devices nor will they be allowed to benefit from her goodwill in sharing, from now on. It's like what you all said, stealing contacts off someone's personal phone and misusing is criminal.

This situation has drastic implications for the future; if her family wants to s*** on her every achievement just because she grew up with mental illness, then the fruits of her labor will not be available for them in future as well. This is her own decision and strategy and she has voluntarily requested to learn a few new tricks to add to her growing arsenal of business related skills.

The whole problem with the toxic family started after I demonstrated that things like ADD, autism are not barriers to a person's success in studies and science. Parents started forcing her to be confined at home to do housework; she wants to go out to join the workforce and start building a career portfolio. Parents want her to squander her future salary buying property for the rest of the non-working, non-academically-performing, lazy siblings, I teach her property and people management skills; they should work for it and not expect handouts.

Issues like culture and religion, I won't discuss here due to the sensitivity, but there are certain religious principles that remind people to welcome all cultures/races. The funny thing is while the 'younger' generation seems to have a bone to pick with me, the partner's grandparents seem to have taken a curiosity towards us and regularly asks how I am doing. This is funny, because isn't it the other way around - the younger generations are more open, etc? Strange world, but I don't hold it against them; not everyone has the same upbringing or desire to neutralize cultural boundaries but in this case I find it the right thing to do.

People should not be looking down on those with special needs, restricting them to the home, not teaching them anything to control their disorders, not sending them for treatment. When I found my partner she had violent tendencies and was at risk of causing physical harm to self and others but within a few months these all gone away. I am curious why, if I can say a few nice things and teach her to be positive about her issues and to see them as a unique way of thinking differently - why has no one else done the same?

Thats why I like to be with her - for humanitarian and security reasons, sentiments very much appreciated and loved by the other party.

I'll write more and reply in more detail later but I'll just leave this here for now.