If your Kerbals could text you...

[Helix935]

Bill: hey wait you want me to do what!!

Me: i want you to jump out the capsule and grab a parachute and deploy it in mid-air

Bill: but i can't grab parachutes!!!

Me: i just downloaded something called KAS that says you can so move it!

Bill: But can't i just wait inside and let it deploy normally

Me: No or i will terminate you so move it

Bill: but... but... but i don't want to!

Me: Do it or i terminate

Bill: fine

Me: waiting....

Bill:there grabbed it now how do i deploy?

Me: uhh let me just right click and it should deploy... there armed

Bill: ok i will jump bye ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Me: ok good now lets wait

Bill: wait its not deploying ahhhh *ploosh*

Me: whoops *reverts*

[Palladium Corp]

Bob: I have four, no, five, no, six, no, seven questions.

Me: Go on.

Bob: Is this thing safe?

Me: Of course it is, I tested it unmanned earlier.

Bob: Does it have enough fuel?

Me: Yes.

Bob: Can it land safely?

Me: Yes, to a given value of "safe".

Bob: But what if something goes wrong?

Me: Don't worry about that.

Bob: Is it safe?

Me: Yes.

Bob: Are you sure?

Me: Yes.

Bob: Are you really sure?

Me: Yes.

Bob: Oh, ok then.

[Helix935]

Bill: uhh can you please deploy my parachutes

Me: uhh no

Bill: can you tell me why?

Me: NO

Bill: DO YOU NOT SEE ME SCREAMING, DEPLOY THE PARACHUTES

Me: no your not close enough to the ground

Bill: BUT I AM GOING AT 500 M/s

Me: its only for another 10 seconds

Bill: COME O

Me: Whoops

[cantab]

In my new save things have been more like this.

Jeb: Hey hey are we going to the Mun in this thing?

Me: No. An asteroid.

A few days later

Genery: So...now that we've put the ship back together, where are we taking this thing? Minmus?

Me: No. An asteroid.

A few more days later

Wehrble: We're going to Moho?

Me: No. An asteroid.

[HQtopgun1]

Me: "Okay, I'm thinking of starting another mission to Jool."

Bob: "For the eleventh time, stop trying to make a Jool landing happen. It's not going to happen."

[mythbusters844]

Me: Okay Bob, are you ready to rruummbbllee?

Bob: That's an unoriginal statemen-OH WHAT IS GOING ON WHAT ARE YOU DOING I THOT WE WUR LANCHING AT 12 NOT 11

Me: Yeah...I decided to make it a bit early so we could get it over with

Bob: I WASN'T PREPA

Me: Bob? Oh, what a sunrise. Wait, wasn't sunrise 4 hours ago? Wait a minute...oh Bob...

Bob: Good thing you put a launch escape system smartkerb...

Me: Where's the launchpad? Why is there a huge crater where it used to be? Wasn't this a suborbital test flight?

Jeb: Erm...I thought you said "1000 ton to orbit rocket flight"...

Me: Jeb...

[StrandedonEarth]

Bill: What does this big red button do again?

Me: DON'T PUSH IT!!!

Bill: Too late....

Me: Well, at least the LES works

Bill: But why isn't the parachute coming out?

Me: I thought I was forgetting something....

Bill: You fo-

[Palladium Corp]

On a year-long mission to Eloo:

Jeb: Are we nearly there yet?

Me: No.

Jeb: How about now?

Me: Jeb, you do realise that you've been asking me this for weeks now, and that we still have 11 months to go before we get there?

Jeb: How about now?

Me: No.

Jeb: How about now?

Me: No!

Jeb: How about now?

Me: Ask me again, and I'll turn this spacecraft around.

Jeb: How about now?

Me: That's it, I'm turning this space craft around and heading back to Kerbin.

Jeb: You do realise that we don't have enough delta-v left for that?

Me: Damn.

Jeb: So, are we nearly there yet?

Me: Ughhhhhh...

[Helix935]

Bill: hello...

Me: what

Bill: i'm cold

Me: how can you be cold, your on Moho

Bill: i just fell down ths giant hole and i can't get out

Me: Dang it Bill I am an FDO not a sweater

Bill: but i am cold

Me: fine just give me a sec i have to download KAS

Bill: ok.....i am still cold

Me: oh for Kod's sake Bill give it a minute to load...

Me: ok there i am sending a ship loaded with a winch...

8 months later

Bill: are you there yet

Me: yes i am here, i am lowering the winch now

Bill: hey wait there is a jet pack here and it is filled with fuel

Me: wait your Eva pack was there the whole friggin time AND YOU DIDN'T USE IT

Bill: .........yes

Me: Dang it Bill

[EuSouONumero345]

Jeb: YAY!!!

BIll: Not bad!

Bob: WUT! I'm not gonna fly on that thing!

Me: Yep, everyone agrees. This rocket is the safest I've ever built!

2 secs later...

Me: NEEDS MOAR BOOSTERS!!

[Noname117]

Me: Time to test the space shuttle prototype again guys!

Neltop: C'mon, we've already tested it a numerous amount of times.

Alory: And we haven't even gotten close to space yet

Me: Yeah, but it hasn't killed you yet.

Kirmund: It's come close twice already when the external fuel tank and boosters disintegrated below our very own feet!!!

Me: That is likely just caused by a construction error or some game bug. I'm sure I'll get it fixed! Besides, you 3 wound up fine!

Neltop: We lost wing parts and the nosecone! We're only alive because we're lucky it didn't destroy anything vital!

Me: What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. And what does kill you makes you revert to a previous version of yourself! Unless I hate you, of course.

Kirmund: You don't even have an abort function set up! Nor any type of emergency escape equipment at all!!!

Me: I'll get an abort function, along with an RCS system, set up once you can drop this orange fuel tank off in orbit and return safely.

Alory: We'll die before then! Probably by disintegration or by crashing!

Me: Look, once the fuel is draining properly, you'll be fine.

Neltop: You never even told us it wasn't!!!

Me: What do you think all the aborted launches were because of? Possibility of sudden disintegration?

All 3 Kerbals: Yes!

Me: Look, it's a couple minutes to launch. Get in your orbiter, Now!

All 3 kerbals: No!!!

Me: Don't make me get out the cattle prods!

All 3 kerbals: Fine, we'll go.

Me: As I thought.

(I'll provide an update later)

[InterCity]

Bob: Is this really necessary?

Me: Yes, indeed. It's for science.

FD: Launch in T-10 seconds

FD: 9

FD: 8

FD: 7

FD: 6

Bob: Wait... One more question... How does strapping me to a booster help the scienc...

Interrupted by FD: Ignite.

Bob (Continuing)EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[palioxis1248]

Albin: Erm, dude, we've been like, parked here in our Mobile Base for, like, a year now...

Albin: Move us, maybe?

Albin: Helloo??

<Seen 15:42>

Albin: Screw you very much.

[Helix935]

Obfin: uhh sir were just completing our test of your new interplanetary tug and are now completing out turn around Duna with only 70% of our fuel left

Me: ok now deorbit and eject

Obfin: ok.... wait on DUNA!

Me: yes why not?

Obfin: but then how are we suppose to get home?

Me: i will send another tug with a lander

Obfin: but...but...we don't even have an antenna

Me: i know

Me: just land already

Obfin: ok fine

1 hour later...

Obfin: ok were here now what

Me: gather some science and then head back into the capsule

Obfin: ok then what

Me: now wait and i will send a lander to you

Obfin: ok

5 years later

Obfin: is the lander ready yet?

Me: no

Obfin: but its been five years and i've heard you already made several Mun landers and a Munar Station?

Me: so what, you know i'm busy with having to make these things...

Obfin: but you already have a tug and can make a lander relatively easily

Me: so what i have problems including this asteroid i have to capture and tow into orbit

Obfin: but....but.... uh i will just go sleep

[Palladium Corp]

Finally in Eloo orbit...

Jeb: Erm...

Jeb: I seem to have a problem...

Me: What's wrong now?

Jeb: I've eaten all the snacks.

Me: You've only been there for two days.

Jeb: So?

Me: You were supposed to have enough snacks to last for years!

Jeb: I was hungry.

Me: *sigh* Alright, I will send some more.

Jeb: Are they nearly here yet?

Me: What? I've not even launched the rocket yet!

Jeb: Oh.

One Week Later...

Jeb: Are the snacks nearly here yet?

Me: You do realise it takes a year to get there?

Jeb: How about now?

Me: Oh dear.

Jeb: How about now?

Me: Not again!

Jeb: How about now?