tryharder

Do not post at all

Granted. The water is so useful for energetics that they are selling it as an energy drink. You drink a bottle of "acidic" water and find it is H2SO4 instead of H2O. I wish nuclear fusion research would hurry up and allow the energy from plasma to go to your home power socket.

Durnan Kerman betted Jeb that he could build a better rocket and land it on the Mun before him. Jeb disagreed and challenged Durnan to a competition. The funny thing is that Durnan did indeed beat Jeb, and was just celebrating it on the surface of the Mun when Jeb landed his rocket. Straight on top of Durnan. Jakey Kerman dies of old age while waiting 19 million years for his girlfriend to return from a space mission.

Calling 911 to get a banana from the grocery store

I have one of my Kerbal Satellite Deployers, that just so can seat a person (or Kerbal) as a background. I could replace the current crew member (Valentina) inside with myself, then survive the zombie apocalypse by hiding in the spaceship. P.S. Sorry Val, it's nothing personal!

There is a small asteroid moon orbiting this planet with a crashed spaceship full of stranded kerbals on it.

Floor 5033: You find an elevator, and go inside. Turns out it's broken, and can't get you anywhere.

Garvey Kerman was playing KSP and was right about to complete his landing on Duna when one of the "unexpected" physics glitches happened and threw his rocket out of the in-game Kerbolar System at what would be over the speed of light in real life. He was so angry at his computer that he covered it in liquid rocket fuel then set it alight. As it was burning, Gene Kerman came in and shouted "Garvey, is that our only TWENTY MILLION DOLLAR QUANTUM SUPERCOMPUTER?!?!". I expect you can guess what happened next. Make Linus Kerman collapse into a 2 dimensional plane (if that is too physically unrealistic then hit him with a piece of space debris).

Granted. The bottle opener can not only talk, but can automatically identify and open bottles. Unfortunately it thinks you're a bottle and "opens" you (i.e. removes your head). I wish for nothing in particular.