The Hitchhiker's Guide to Kerbals: A Primer on the Species

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Kerbal-Induced Space-Time Anomalies

 With reports that the SEP Field is not having the drastic side-effects reported in the Kerbin system anywhere else, the Guide has decided that it is time to once and for all deduce what manner of anomaly could possibly result in field reports on Kerbin to be so drastically inaccurate over time.  We've hired the best Kerbologist in history for the job: Valentina Kerman.  She made the provocative argument to our staff that, if you want to understand Kerbals, you should probably hire a Kerbal to do it.  This concept has shaken the Guide to its very core, to say the least, but regardless, here is Valentina's report on Kerbal anomalies.

 Right, so, you lot wanna know what's wrong with our solar system?  Well the answer's simple 'nough: Jebediah Kerman.  I know, I know, how can one Kerbal cause so much trouble, right?  Well here's the lark: ol' Jebbie's been a rabble-rousin' looney since we were kids.  'E once told me the seas were solid mass, and sure 'nough, I were able to walk on water after 'e did.  Then 'e said water was goin' liquid 'gain 'cause it were too much trouble to keep it solid, and jus' like that, we cou'n walk on water no more!  I've been askin' Jebbie f'r years how 'e does it, and 'e never once tells.  Maybe ye should hire him as yer Kerbolo-whatsit instead.

 EDITOR'S NOTE: As most of our staff cannot make heads or tails of what Valentina Kerman told us, we've posted her article verbatim and sadly had to sack her right after.  We've hired another Kerbal to follow up for her, one Billy-Bobfred Kerman.

 Ooy, ye trankin' loots!  I's garfin' loik this, see: farfengnungen Jebediah wot scarred t' 'verse innae t'inkin' it worfs wrang an now arr syst'n don' mech roit wif t' res' o' yous.

 EDITOR'S NOTE: We have immediately sacked Billy-Bobfred Kerman for making even less sense than Valentina did.  There is evidence that the Kerbals are in fact messing with us, so we have returned to bringing a non-Kerbal on staff to be a Kerbologist.  Here is his report.

 It's beans.

 EDITOR'S NOTE: We have re-sacked our new Kerbologist, as we carelessly forgot we'd already sacked this particular one for not being verbose enough.  Once more, we have a new Kerbologist, this one properly certified.

 REPORT 1: It has been postulated that the Kerbal solar system experiences rather unusual space-time anomalies which cause all manner of inconsistencies across the history of our record of Kerbalkind.  However, upon performing exhaustive research on the subject, I am forced to conclude that the primary cause of these so-called "anomalies" is the glaring ineptitude of former Kerbologists.  No anomalies have been observed by me thus far, certainly none of the ones reported by my predecessors.  My findings will be expanded upon in my next report.

 REPORT 2: Forget everything I said before.  This place is beans.  I witnessed girders shaking themselves apart from phantom forces, Kerbals self-contorting into impossible shapes at will, an entire spacecraft relocating itself spontaneously to several kilometers beneath the surface of the planet, and a Kerbal spinning himself around so fast that he was somehow launched directly into the Kerbin system's sun, then somehow slingshotted out of the solar system at greater than the speed of light.  Either I am going insane, or this solar system is.  Consider this report my resignation; I am done.

 EDITOR'S NOTE: With these field reports in, we can reasonably assume that an answer to the problems of the Kerbin system's anomalies are not forthcoming any time soon.  The Guide regrets having no truly substantial material to provide, but when it comes to Kerbals, that seems to be more the rule than the exception.

[KSK]

1.2 not going well then?

 

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10 hours ago, KSK said:

1.2 not going well then?

 

There's evidence that a member of the Church of Ike offshoot #2462, a certain Danny Kerman, may well have been responsible for the latest batch of anomalies that drove our poor Kerbologist off.  We've negotiated a better salary with him, so more articles should be beamed over the Sub-Etha Network soon.

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Extraterrestrial Presence On and Around Kerbin

 Due perhaps to the overwhelming success of the Guide's entries on Kerbals, there has been an abnormally high number of encounters with Kerbals and non-Kerbals of late.  However, as these brave and decidedly foolhardy explorers have thrown caution into the wind and visited what has now been voted Most Likely Solar System to Implode in a Science Experiment Gone Horribly Wrong three years running, they have noticed evidence that they are not the first to have come here.  Indeed, evidence suggests that non-Kerbal life forms have been coming to the Kerbin system for a very long time indeed, despite there being no Galactic record of such things happening.  In the interest of completeness (and because we're out of other ideas for entries for our Kerbologist to write on), we've decided to have an investigation done.

 According to our field Kerbologist, there are anomalies present on every single body in the Kerbin solar system save Jool and the sun, often in the form of monuments that have a very unusual logo with indecipherable primitive text of some sort on them.  Attempts to carbon-date these monoliths simply resulted in the computers returning "yes" as their age, which hasn't happened since the advent of the Improbability Drive accidentally calibrating every single carbon dating machine in the galaxy during a random jump of about 3 millimeters.  Further testing suggests that these monoliths aren't even made of matter, but rather of computer code.  When asked how that was possible, our Kerbologist told us to mind our own business, so we may not be finding an answer to that question any time soon.

 Still other unusual findings have been made as well, including an unusual broadcast signal coming from Duna, a random assortment of perfectly-shaped blocks on Vall, what appears to be some sort of cave system on Tylo, and one report suggested that some sort of "magic boulder" was orbiting Ike (although we have yet to see any evidence of this, the local Kerbals insist it exists).  Testing on these resulted in yet more "yes" readings for age, as well as another postulation that they are all simply computer code despite that being patently impossible.  We are sending an expert on higher-dimensional beings to investigate a few of these anomalies now.

 UPDATE: Our higher-dimensional investigator has returned with his report on the situation.  His report is, in full: it's beans.  We have sacked this investigator and hired one with actual credentials instead.

 UPDATE 2: Our credential-bearing higher-dimensional investigator has filed his report on the situation.  His report is, in full: it's really beans.  We have asked him to provide more details, and been told on no uncertain terms that there are no more details that can be provided.

 UPDATE 3: After having gotten basically the same report back from 16 different experts on higher-dimensional beings, we have finally gotten a straight answer on why nobody can give us a straight answer on this problem.  Coming directly from Jebediah Kerman himself: "I dunno, whoever put them there obviously doesn't want you to know why or how.  Here, climb onto this rover for a second, will you?"  Not to be deterred by impossibility (or swayed by promises of a "fun ride" from Jebediah Kerman), we have instigated an extensive and very expensive investigation of our own, as clearly we're not getting any answers otherwise.

 UPDATE 4: It's completely and utterly beans.  There's no denying it at this point, we've exhausted every possibility now and must accept that Jebediah Kerman was correct in his assessment.  If the creators of the Milky Way galaxy could kindly contact us with details on this matter, the Guide would appreciate it; thank you for your consideration.

[superstrijder15]

Some minor person here: Maybe it has something to do with the firing of to many Infinite Improbability Drives in the galaxy destroying the fabric of space

[MinimalMinmus]

Hilarous:

This topic is.

Edited December 18, 2016 by MinimalMinmus

[RandomGuy1824]

A great story! Keep up the good work!

[SkyRender]

It's been a long time, hasn't it?  I'm still here!  I was working on my second novel (Torvista), which I finally published.  You can find both it and my original novel (The Barrier Key) on Amazon.com.  Help support a KSP fan and aspiring author!  Anyway, let's get on to the latest article on Kerbals, shall we?

Kerbals and Cameras

It has been noted with some trepidation by those visiting Kerbin that Kerbals do not seem to know what cameras are.  Which is not to say that they don't have equipment which utilizes visual sensors, of course, because they do.  However, no Guide writer or ill-fated Kerbin tourist has actually observed a Kerbal taking any sort of photograph or recording any sort of video.  This seems particularly daft given that historical data shows that there is extensive video footage of the Kerbals' first visit to the Mun.

In an effort to discover the root of this anomaly, our lead Kerbologist of last week took some time to return to Kerbin and research firsthand just why this was the case.  Our current lead Kerbologist is currently out on a rescue mission to save said former lead Kerbologist from the impact course with Eeloo that he is currently on, which leaves us with no staff to look into the matter.  In proud Guide tradition, therefore, it has fallen upon the editor to write this article and make things up as he goes.

Kerbals once used cameras extensively, recording every achievement they made and also silly videos where they would challenge one another to Bop-eating contests.  This footage covered every moment of Kerbal history, from the first member of the Church of Treerock to defect to Ikeism, on up to the last known recorded footage of Kerbals on the Mun.  While there was a massive purge of any and all knowledge prior to the Kerbal Space Program's existence, footage of Kerbals after the program's start should have survived.  And it did: the only video footage any Kerbal recorded after KSP was founded was of the Mun landing.  This footage was deemed so embarrassing and detrimental to the space program that it was locked away and all cameras were destroyed to prevent future records from escaping.  To this day, no Kerbal spacecraft is equipped with any cameras, and all Kerbals not part of the space program simply take KSP's word for it that missions succeed.

UPDATE: Our Kerbologists returned ahead of schedule, and even got some research done on the subject.  It would seem that our editor was completely off once again.  The Mun landing videos were staged back in the early days of the space program.  Their distribution to non-Kerbals was a joke, because no Kerbal actually believes they're real.  Kerbals actually have thousands of video records of their many, many voyages.  Every single Kerbal vessel is equipped with a massive array of tiny cameras that records every single moment of every flight, and we never saw the footage because we didn't think to look on KerbTube before writing this article.  In the editor's defense, nobody besides a Kerbologist would be brave enough to check KerbTube, given that you have to be on Kerbin to access it.

[KSK]

Great article as usual!

4 hours ago, SkyRender said:

In the editor's defense, nobody besides a Kerbologist would be brave enough to check KerbTube, given that you have to be on Kerbin to access it.

And you don't even want to consider contemplating thinking about glancing at the comments sections. The Great Green Arkleseisure would be proud of them - that's all this amateur kerbologist is admitting to.