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King of the Hill


Gojira

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Your fleet is converted to high-energy plasma by an incredibly powerful wide-area gamma-ray laser pulse originating from an unknown location somewhere in Sagittarius. The entire facing side of the planet is blasted away from absorption heating, and backscatter renders pretty much every other body in the solar system dangerously radioactive.

I clearly had nothing to do with that laser pulse, but I claim the now vaguely hill-shaped remaining half of the planet.

My hill.

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You fail to "buy" the hill from me, because I don't account your currency to be worth anything and am not interested in selling my hill.

Being a capitalist, you presumably don't care, and take the hill by force. Ho hum.

I would just wait for the revolution to come and overthrow your oppressive capitalist system and its corrupt plutocracy, but that would mean allowing you to make life for millions of people miserable for centuries, and I'm not that self-centered.

Instead, I command my star-powered gamma-laser array (codename STARGASER) in Sagittarius to fire again (this time at a much longer wavelength and lower power), and your government buildings and officials (and a few of your wealthiest neighborhoods) suddenly are converted to plasma and flung into the sky by searing infrared lasers.

The People own the hill once again.

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The zombies consume one another as they run out of non-zombies to consume for sustenance. Eventually they die, decompose, and leave the hill to the first comer.

I arrive, plant a flag, and begin erecting defensive fortifications after seeing evidence of the extreme combat over such a simple hill. I purchase multiple KV-2s to defend the perimeter.

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Your decontamination effort was extremely sub-standard, and your hill is condemned by local authorities, who detonate a 3-megaton hydrogen bomb on top of it (per ISO 4238284 detailing standards for Pony-derived waste management) to ensure that all contaminants are reduced to lighter isotopes. Nuclear fallout from the weapon rains down across the countryside, but this is considered to be acceptable collateral damage.

I lower a giant cable from geostationary orbit and steal the hill with a large hook. My hill.

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