A KSP story I have to do for english, tell me what you think!

[SlabGizor117]

So yeah, I have to do a 700-1,000 word for school and I had no idea what else to write about, so why not KSP So, as I'm not that great of a writer feel free to tell me what you think about it but please don't tell me how to fix anything, as this is a school project that's also still in progress. But anyways, here it is:

Jebediah goes to space

Because I don’t know what else to write about

Jeb opened his eyes just as the sun’s rays invaded his room. Blinded by it, he squinted at his alarm clock. “It’s already 8:30! I’m supposed to be there already!†He jumped out of his bed, threw the clothes closest to him on himself, and sprinted to his car.

Jebediah walked into the briefing room just as Gene Kerman started. “So you all know why we’re-“ Gene paused. “What are you wearing, Jeb?â€Â

“Uhh…†Jeb looked down at himself. “Cargo shorts and a button-up white shirt…â€Â

“Well you’re lucky you’re not wearing that under your suit. Anyways, you all know why we’re here, to test the first version of our rocket for getting into orbit…

Gene’s voice trailed off to Jeb as he stared out the window at the rocket he was going to fly in. Every once and a while, Gene would stick his voice back in Jeb’s head. “And you have to make sure that you do not under any circumstances…†The rest of the briefing dragged on, same as always, until finally Jeb suited up and stepped into the rocket. Wehrner Von Kerman pressed is face against the capsule window and said, “Remember,†His muffled voice mumbled, “Make sure you don’t-“ Was all Jeb could make out. He nodded with a smile anyways.

Werhner Von Kerman got back to mission control and ran through the pre-flight checklist.

“Engines… Check.â€Â

“That they’re there or that they’re operational?†asked Jeb..

“Well we’ll only know that they’re operational when we ignite them… Anyways, Fuel…â€Â

“Check,†replied Jeb.

“Oxygen…â€Â

“Check,†repeated Jeb.

Snacks…â€Â

“Check,†confirmed Jeb, more enthusiastically this time.

“We’re ready to go, start the countdown.

5.

4.

3.

“Engines start,†reported an engineer.

2.

“Throttling up,†announced Jeb, as he felt the rumbling of the engines vibrate throughout the ship.

1.

“Liftoff confirmed.†As he rose higher and faster, he could feel the sound barrier approaching. The vibrations climaxed in a bang, then completely stopped. Minutes later he burst through the clouds in a perfect view of the Mün in a sea of stars.

Suddenly, something flew in front of the moon. Jeb thought it was a bug on the window, wondering how it got in with him. But then it got bigger, and bigger… and then it hit him.

Jeb woke up to alarms wailing, beeping, and warning. “Jeb! Come in!†Gene’s worried voice yelled on his radio. “Are you ok?!†Jeb’s head rolled around on his neck until he was awake enough to reply.

“Yeah… Yeah, I’m ok.â€Â

“Ok, what’s your heading and altitude?†Jeb dragged his eyes across the dials and gauges and read them off to Gene. “Ok,†said Gene, “We’re stable for now, but your engine is damaged.â€Â

“What do I do?†asked Jeb.

“ You’re going to have to get outside the ship and tighten a valve. It’s the red one at the base of the engine.â€Â

“How hard can that be?â€Â

“Well that’s the second problem. There were some oxygen tanks damaged too, you’ll only have about 30 seconds of oxygen to spare and you have no jetpack fuel either, so don’t let go.

“Oh… I knew that was too easy to be true,†Jeb said as he filled his oxygen tanks to 30 seconds.

“Ok, you all ready?â€Â

“Yeah, I thought I heard something about a safety check…â€Â

“No time for safety checks. Vent cabin pressure and open the hatch.â€Â

“Ok,†Jeb said nervously as he did so.

“I’m outside now, but there’s not much of a handhold…†He said as he inched his way down to the engine. He looked down at Kerbin below him and expected at any time to fall to the ground. He didn’t have time to worry though, and kept groping his way along the fuselage.

Just as he got to the engine, he reached for the valve and his other hand slipped. Floating away, he flailed his arms at anything close enough to grab-

Jeb went for the fuel pipe – and missed.

Then the ignition nozzle – and missed.

Finally, his glove caught the tip of the engine bell, with just enough grip to stop his momentum. He pulled back, and reached for the valve again, but it was stuck. “I have a problem here, control. The valve is jammed. I’m running out of oxygen at 3%, too.â€Â

“Hang tight, we’re figuring it out,†Gene replied.

“I am,†Jeb countered. After a short pause, Gene reported back.

“I have nothing, sorry Jeb.â€Â

“Oh, so it’s all me now,†he said as his mind raced through ideas. Finally he had the idea to throw his weight around the valve and use the momentum to jam it closed.

“It worked! But I’m past 0%. What do I do?â€Â

“Nothing, you’re breathing Co2 now. Just take it slow, hold your breath, and inch your way back.â€Â

Jeb slowly pulled himself back up to the cabin, careful not to gain too much momentum. With every handhold he grabbed, his vision got darker and darker. He barely got back in when it faded altogether. He closed the hatch as he felt his life closing the door on him. With the last of his strength he pulled his helmet off and the darkness faded.

“I made it,†Jeb announced to mission control.

“Roger Jeb, we copy your vitals stable. You got a bunch of guys about to turn blue, but we’re breathing too, now. Thanks,†Gene replied.

More to come!

-Slab

[Yukon0009]

Pretty nice, although your teacher may be confused You might want to change some of the more kerbal references.

[nigelvn]

Not bad, although I would indeed ease out on the references like Yukon said: leave out Kerman etc.

My experience regarding this: I once wrote a story as essay for Dutch classes based on FTL: Faster Than Light and KSP and got the comment I was too creative -.- so hopefully your teacher appriciates it more

[SlabGizor117]

Haha yeah I'm homeschooled, so my teacher is my mom and I talk to her about KSP all the time so it'll be easier to explain. And this isn't going anywhere else anyways. Thanks for the comments and reputation!

I've been working on it a little more, here's what else I have. I have no ideas how to end it though, I'll definitely take ideas on that, as I've done a bit of "research" for ideas such as watching the Apollo 13 O2 tank explosion scene, so I don't think a few ideas would hurt anything.

Here's the rest:

“Roger Jeb, we copy your vitals stable. You got a bunch of guys about to turn blue, but we’re breathing too, now. Thanks,†Gene replied. “I think we’re done here, just come back down.†No sooner than Gene said the word “doneâ€Â, Jeb hit the thruster and was falling into the atmosphere. As the cabin rumbled and vibrated, he saw a faint pink glow out the window, and as it grew in intensity, the vibration grew as well, until it dropped off as he slowed down enough. Just as he hit the button to open the parachute, he heard a jet roar over him to swing around and pick him up.

So how do I finish this?

Thanks again!

-Slab

[Goddess Bhavani]

I just want to say you have a great teacher and any subject with KSP in it is a sure winner. There's a lot of expressiveness and spacey references that anyone familiar with space would get, so no worries. I did wonder what Jeb's rocket hit on the way up though - that's definitely something Capcom missed calling out (orbital debris? stratospheric flying bird? lol) and would definitely not be overlooked.

@ nigelvn -

I grew up in a country that shuns creativity and "disciplines" people who express themselves too much.

Imagine the fun I had in the latter part of secondary school when I found out the English teacher was a Star Wars fan. It was custom made ships modelled after mechanical pencils, protractors and other bits of stationery vs a Death Star III lol!!

[KSK]

I'd say that's a pretty good ending right there.

I liked this! Good dialogue - the pre-flight checklist worked really well - and bonus points for the Apollo 11 shout-out.

[Ten Key]

Gene’s voice trailed off to Jeb as he stared out the window at the rocket he was going to fly in. Every once and a while, Gene would stick his voice back in Jeb’s head. “And you have to make sure that you do not under any circumstances…†The rest of the briefing dragged on, same as always, until finally Jeb suited up and stepped into the rocket. Wehrner Von Kerman pressed is face against the capsule window and said, “Remember,†His muffled voice mumbled, “Make sure you don’t-“ Was all Jeb could make out. He nodded with a smile anyways.

We never did get to find out what Jeb wasn't supposed to do.

[wossname]

A good example of the Kerbal fiction genre. A quick pace, light humour throughout, realistic technical nuances here and there. Nice dramatic ending.

There are a few things that could be improved but as you asked us not to mention them, I won't. After all it's your project

This is 10x better than anything I ever did in English class. Your work shows enthusiasm, mine never did.

Good stuff.

[SlabGizor117]

I just want to say you have a great teacher and any subject with KSP in it is a sure winner. There's a lot of expressiveness and spacey references that anyone familiar with space would get, so no worries. I did wonder what Jeb's rocket hit on the way up though - that's definitely something Capcom missed calling out (orbital debris? stratospheric flying bird? lol) and would definitely not be overlooked.

@ nigelvn -

I grew up in a country that shuns creativity and "disciplines" people who express themselves too much.

Imagine the fun I had in the latter part of secondary school when I found out the English teacher was a Star Wars fan. It was custom made ships modelled after mechanical pencils, protractors and other bits of stationery vs a Death Star III lol!!

Thank you so much! it was orbital debris, yeah.

I'd say that's a pretty good ending right there.

I liked this! Good dialogue - the pre-flight checklist worked really well - and bonus points for the Apollo 11 shout-out.

Thanks! I was reminded of that line when I wrote that part, and decided to stick it in.

We never did get to find out what Jeb wasn't supposed to do.

Yeah, that was kinda the point. I don't know either, but in my paper with microsoft word I changed the font so that those lines were different. For example, the first line you underlined went from 8 to 11 and back down to 8 size to kinda show it pushing it's way in his ear and falling back out.

EDIT: Reading this back in I can imagine a tiny Gene Kerman trying to climb up into Jeb's ear while saying it, interrupted by the occasional grunt of his struggle, then falling back out and landing on the floor XD

A good example of the Kerbal fiction genre. A quick pace, light humour throughout, realistic technical nuances here and there. Nice dramatic ending.

There are a few things that could be improved but as you asked us not to mention them, I won't. After all it's your project

This is 10x better than anything I ever did in English class. Your work shows enthusiasm, mine never did.

Good stuff.

Thank you! As I said, this is the first draft, but I appreciate it!

Thanks again everybody! If you have any ideas, go ahead. This is the rough draft, I'm more than open to any suggestions. I'll come back again later with an edited version to polish up the urgent scenes and things.

-Slab

Edited July 29, 2015 by SlabGizor117

[Thomassino]

Very nice!

I'd write more about ascent if i were you - like stage separation etc. But seems you have talent! Good work!

[AbacusWizard]

Neat. Reminds me of some of Arthur C. Clarke's early short stories about space travel.

[Vanamonde]

This work of a fan has been moved to Fan Works.

[Goddess Bhavani]

Very nice!

I'd write more about ascent if i were you - like stage separation etc. But seems you have talent! Good work!

Oh right! How could I forget, I was focused on other stuff and it was late last night when I commented here.

Boosters! We need to document moar boosters and give excessive gratituous detail on how they majestically separate in a Jebediah's Cross on the aft facing camera view on the IVA (RasterPropMonitor mod lol).

Or if using cone-shaped boosters from Procedural Parts, separate cleanly then suddenly all the boosters veer towards each other and explode!

[ShadowLord4331]

Nice go for a short story task. I would keep in the Kerbal references though, who doesn't like a confused teacher ðŸ‘Â

[SlabGizor117]

Very nice!

I'd write more about ascent if i were you - like stage separation etc. But seems you have talent! Good work!

Thank you! I did have a hard time filling the time from launch to space, that's a good idea!

Neat. Reminds me of some of Arthur C. Clarke's early short stories about space travel.

Thanks!

This work of a fan has been moved to Fan Works.

Ahh, I wasn't aware of that part of the forum. Thanks!

Oh right! How could I forget, I was focused on other stuff and it was late last night when I commented here.

Boosters! We need to document moar boosters and give excessive gratituous detail on how they majestically separate in a Jebediah's Cross on the aft facing camera view on the IVA (RasterPropMonitor mod lol).

Or if using cone-shaped boosters from Procedural Parts, separate cleanly then suddenly all the boosters veer towards each other and explode!

Yeah, I'll try to add boosters in

Nice go for a short story task. I would keep in the Kerbal references though, who doesn't like a confused teacher ������

Thanks! Like I said my mom is my teacher, as I'm homeschooled, so it wouldn't be hard to explain it.

Thanks for all the replies, and stay tuned! I'm going to post my second draft within the next 1-3 days!

-Slab