Bad Jokes Moratorium

[Sampa]

Essentially, you tell some of your worst jokes you have heard or made up.

 

Guidelines:

No dirty-type jokes

No jokes which edge on the political or religion

No offensive jokes or anything that borders it.

Please follow main forum rules

 

 

I will start:

Did you know that the keyboards in jail are different?  There is no Escape

[Xannari Ferrows]

Well, you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

[cubinator]

I just thought of this one today:

So my friend plays tuba, and he has a tuner, so that makes it a Tu-Na. Get it? It's a tuba...and a tuner...heh...heh......

[InterCity]

Two atoms are talking.

"I think I've lost an electron.", says one.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! I'm positive!"

 

--EDIT--

OK, I found those, so I'll give them:

 

The optimist will say that the glass is half-full.

The pessimist will say that the glass is half-empty.

The engineer will say that the glass is 2 times bigger than it needs to be.

The politician will say that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge.

The project manager will say that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The fanatic will say that the glass is full, even though it isn't.

The IT support person will say that you should try emptying the glass and then refilling it.

The alcoholic will ignore the glass and go for the bottle.

The surrealist sees two giraffes and half a tree.

The opposition will always say that it would be full if they were in charge.

The mathematician will only discuss whether there is actually anything inside.

The entrepreneur sees the glass as undervalued by half its potential.

The scientist says a guess based on a visual cue is inaccurate, so mark the glass at the bottom of the meniscus of the content, pour the content into a bigger glass; fill the empty glass with fresh content up to the mark; add the original content back in; if the combined content overflows the lip, the glass was more than half full; if it doesn't reach the top, the glass was more than half empty; if it neither overflows nor fails to reach the top then it was either half-full or half-empty. Now what was the question again?

The waiter will hurry to replace the glass with a full one. For him there are no doubts: the glass was empty when he took it away; it is full in the bill that he brings you.

The ineffective organization would discuss the question during the board of directors meeting, convene a committee to research the problem, and assign tasks for a root cause analysis, usually without a complete explanation of the problem to those assigned the tasks. The directors would consider the problem to be above the pay grade of those assigned root cause analysis tasks.

The adolescent student says the glass is just another dirty trick played by the teacher to prove that students are dumb.

The efficiency analyst says the glass is operating substantially below optimization level, being consistently exactly 50% under-utilized during the period of assessment, corresponding to an over-resourcing in meeting demand equating to precisely 200% of requisite capacity in volume terms, not accounting for seasonal trends and shrinkage, and that if the situation continues there is in theory opportunity for savings or expansion.

The 'perfect' 1950s housewife would not leave the glass sitting there long enough for anyone to consider the question, but would scoop it up, wash it up, dry it to a gleaming shine and put it back in the glass cabinet in a jiffy. No half-full or half-empty in her world... just a full glass or an untidy one.

The obsessive compulsive postpones the question until the level is checked, and checked again, and again, and again...

The phobic says yuck, someone drank out of it and left his germs on the glass.

The psychiatrist would ask you, "Is the half-empty/half-full glass really that important? I mean... really? Think about it. If fact, let's not. Let's set that particular issue aside for a few moments and talk about what's really bothering you.."

The Taoist sees that the glass is both half empty and half full, that neither half could exist without the other, requiring a point of balance in order to maintain equilibrium in the universe, and therefore, are merely two mirror images of the same realistic concept, so in the purity of absolute truth the glass is neither half full or half empty, the glass simply IS...

The optimist says: "The glass is half-full." The pessimist says: "The glass is half-empty". And while they are arguing, the pragmatist takes the glass and drinks it.

The boss expects the half-empty glass to be filled in half the time it took to fill half the glass, at half the going rate.

The drill sergeant says make the glass do push-ups until it sweats itself full!!!

The IT support person asks if you've tried emptying the glass and then refilling it.

 

And my personal favourite...

Yoda says: Half-full or half-empty glasses, hmmm. A Jedi craves not these things. To the dark side they always lead. Or... Size matters not but what you do with it. Drink. Or do not. There is no try. Or… Half-full or half-empty, glasses not make one great. Or... Judge glasses by their size and appearance, do you? May the force be with you. Or... Luminous beings are we…not this crude matter poured in half-measured glasses.

Edited December 2, 2015 by InterCity

[Fisk02]

knock, knock...

who is there

Needle

Needle who

Needle little money for the movies.

[Guest]

The entire KSP mission goes to plan.