Dating Advice for Nerds/Geeks

[Tex]

You know, I have actually found success when using several nerdy apps about online Roleplaying. I've used Geeking and Kik, primarily, as well as an app called Virtual Space that my now-girlfriend introduced me to. The people who made Virtual Space have about twenty apps covering just about all topics, but I've only ever tried VS and their Doctor Who app

Keep trying! You may just end up finding someone who's as crazy and amazing as you yourself are!

[DuoDex]

[sarcasm] As someone who's been dating the same girl since sophomore year in high school (I'm now a senior in college), I highly recommend finding someone who's had an abusive experience and getting them to share it with you. Really helps you connect.

[/sarcasm]

This is not so much of how to get a date (I met my girlfriend at a massive party because our friends were saying "DUH! You like each other!" and pushing us together) as how to stay with someone you love: Be considerate of them. They might not be as smart/social/popular as you, but they do have feelings. Try not to hurt them.

[EdFred]

If you're a guy looking to date girls, be ready to hear no, A LOT. You will be subjected to at least a 98% percent rejection rate. Before you've even said hello to her she already has an idea on whether she would go out with you or not, and the odds are not in your (our) favor. You get 10 seconds to make that impression. That's it. Ten seconds. If she's not flirty within the first minute you're destined to the friend-zone, or a quick dismissal. And whoever said being in the friend-zone is a step in the right direction, it's not. This is coming from someone that's been to the friend-zone more times than Emmitt Smith. And once there, there is no getting out of the friend-zone, ever. And even if you don't end up dismissed or in the friend-zone and end up dating the girl, keep in mind she is ALWAYS going to be looking to 'upgrade' for the first couple weeks/months.

[GoSlash27]

I'm in no position to give dating advice, but I am in a position to give warnings

Nerds tend to be highly introverted and logical, and they tend to attract "feeling extroverts". Worse, they tend to fall for them.

These relationships mostly end up bogging down and becoming toxic due to poor communication and lack of mutual understanding. Unfortunately, they're also hard to get out of due to all the mutual infatuation.

My advice is to get out of your comfort zone a bit and develop the ability to be extroverted.

Stand- up comedy, playing in a band, etc. can help you feel comfortable with being the center of attention (aka "shameless").

Once you have that worked out, date people who are also a bit introverted and logical. They don't need to be just like you, but should be similar enough that you "get" each other.

It's scary at first, but worth it in the long run.

Best,

-Slashy

[T-Bouw]

Personal hygiene has to be taken into consideration as well.

I'm not your parent but, trust me, do not skimp on this. Do what you have to do everyday.

If I smell a person from the other side of the room (be it a guy/girl/man/woman) I don't even want to be near them, let alone talk to them.

[peadar1987]

If I'm not comfortable spending an extra few hundred a year on shoes, I'm definitely not putting over a thousand a year into a gym membership.

I don't want to sound cruel, but if you're not willing to spend a wee bit of money on shoes, you're not going to be willing to spend a wee bit of money on a girlfriend*.

(*I'm not into the whole "boys buy things for girls because patriarchy" thing, but even if you're not picking up the tab for everything, being in a relationship costs money. For a relationship to work, you have to get out into the world and do fun, interesting things, or it stagnates and dies**)

(**Not always, but as a general rule it seems to hold pretty well)

[Cirocco]

My advice is to get out of your comfort zone a bit and develop the ability to be extroverted.

This. Or put even more simple: dare to get out of your comfort zone. I decided to start doing this quite a few years back, best thing I ever decided to do. Personal way I did/still do it: picture in your head what (realistically) the absolute worst case scenario would be if you did X. Is it acutally not that bad or perfectly bearable? Go do X, because that worst case scenario will not come to pass anyway. And if it does, you were prepared for it.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Literally.

[Crimson Sunrise]

Well, my advice is that you should find someone, regardless of gender, that can also be your friend. In practice, the girlfriend/boyfriend 'detail' is pretty much a 'step up' from a friendship. If the person in question doesn't serve the role of a friend, but serves the role of a 'boyfriend/girlfriend', I suggest you think twice before continuing with it.

Same principle applies to marriage. At some point, you'll reach a certain age where you won't be able to [snip] anymore and your partner may not be as attractive as before. What remains afterwards?

Mind the 'friend' content on both 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'.

[Tex]

Well, my advice is that you should find someone, regardless of gender, that can also be your friend. In practice, the girlfriend/boyfriend 'detail' is pretty much a 'step up' from a friendship.

I agree with this. This is how mine started out, anyway. It is important that you can find someone not only to flirt and be cute with, but also talk about everyday things like regular human beings (even though she and I are Time Lords, not humans :3)

[Special Agent Sigvan]

Don't.

(10 char limit)

[Flymetothemun]

Don't.

(10 char limit)

This man speaks for me! SAS for mayor! SAS for president!

[Tex]

Ah, that's not the attitude to have. Everybody can find somebody.

[Alewx]

Maybe a video from Scott Manley about this would be appropriate

[Duxwing]

Ah, that's not the attitude to have. Everybody can find somebody.

Hear, hear. You will find someone wonderful and be quite happy. Just be patient and sincere. A few rules to speed the search:

1) Specify what you want. Once you do, you can ignore what you should not pursue.

2) Litmus test. Stop pretending entirely and do what you want, pushing the limit. Everyone but the people you should like will leave.

3) Discipline. Go step-by-step and, when things seem bad, realize the person is not for you and move on.

These rules help generally--from friendship to marriage. Several notes:

-You are a nerd. You do and discuss rocket science for fun and seek Internet dating advice. This combination of behaviors is rare: expect meeting the right people to be difficult.

-You are very smart, perhaps gifted. Feel proud! Most people will never experience the clarity and speed of thought you take for granted. Treat them like tall people treat short people: like human beings with whom you know a romantic relationship would require much stretching.

-You are clumsy. You think about rockets more than about people, and that's OK. Just keep your social interactions simple and low-key lest others should be baffled by what, to you, is the fascinating study of the edge of that barbecue sauce packet.

-Duxwing

Edited January 22, 2015 by Duxwing

[MartGonzo]

Don't.

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My thoughts exactly, The modern human is a self absorbed borderline sociopath (largely thanks to the Tavistock institute)

We struggle to coexist on the same planet, let alone in the same house

[SolarLiner]

Damnit people. This thread is about sharing dating advices, not pushing away any people who might have problems with dating. Your "Don't date, humans are horrible" is only a view of your mind, an opinion, that is not shared by everyone here. People here want dating advices, not a lecture on why one should stay single.

"Having a significant other takes time, and if you're a student, you can't do both together". FALSE. I have a high school full of examples. And, it does not conflict with studying, it helps it. We with my ex-gf would spend whole afternoons studying in the arms of one another. Being two makes so much things much better. You play games together, you get out together. Call me ultra-romantic, but having someone to think of when you wake up in the morning to get that smile you'd never have without that special someone, think about him/her when you are about to do something, to help yourself get through, is one of the best things about having someone to kiss and cuddle with.

(Warning: some personal life showcase here ) I've been alone now for 5 years, and "searching without really searching". I see people that I like, I get to know them, try to get out with them and ask them out, but welp, no luck for now. But things seems to change, because I get more and more confident about who I really am, that is that "sciende nerd who loves to talk about discoveries and is fond of everything about space".

So yeah, be yourself, and make them know what you want (but be a bit subtle tho, flat asking never worked for me). That is about all I'm going to say because I haven't been successful lately ^^

Last thing, if 1, 2, 5, 20, 50 girls doesn't want to date you, it doesn't mean nobody wants. Keep up and you'll find one that you will cherish and make everyone else jealous.

[Duxwing]

Damnit people. This thread is about sharing dating advices, not pushing away any people who might have problems with dating. Your "Don't date, humans are horrible" is only a view of your mind, an opinion, that is not shared by everyone here. People here want dating advices, not a lecture on why one should stay single.

Hear, hear!

Call me ultra-romantic, but having someone to think of when you wake up in the morning to get that smile you'd never have without that special someone, think about him/her when you are about to do something, to help yourself get through, is one of the best things about having someone to kiss and cuddle with.

Awwww! That's... Awwww...

(Warning: some personal life showcase here ) I've been alone now for 5 years, and "searching without really searching". I see people that I like, I get to know them, try to get out with them and ask them out, but welp, no luck for now. But things seems to change, because I get more and more confident about who I really am, that is that "sciende nerd who loves to talk about discoveries and is fond of everything about space". So yeah, be yourself, and make them know what you want (but be a bit subtle tho, flat asking never worked for me). That is about all I'm going to say because I haven't been successful lately ^^ Last thing, if 1, 2, 5, 20, 50 girls doesn't want to date you, it doesn't mean nobody wants. Keep up and you'll find one that you will cherish and make everyone else jealous.

Hrm, maybe you're going too fast?

-Duxwing

[Kinglet]

My thoughts exactly, The modern human is a self absorbed borderline sociopath (largely thanks to the Tavistock institute)

We struggle to coexist on the same planet, let alone in the same house

Yet people can only truly be happy with a partner.

I am not being a emotion obsessed fool. I am saying this because we are designd this way as we need to reproduce.

[MartGonzo]

Yet people can only truly be happy with a partner.

I am not being a emotion obsessed fool. I am saying this because we are designd this way as we need to reproduce.

I'm happy, we aren't just a set of biological impulses

I don't find that drive particularly strong anymore.

each to their own, but chasing happiness from companionship with another is doomed to fail

you have to be happy in yourself first

[cicatrix]

I might be completely out of place here since I'm one of those 'married with children' types, but if you do not wan't an advice from an old fart just don't read.

Never seek a gf/bf (or probably a life partner) who is 100% copy of you. It will be an exponentially boring way to progress through your lives and would probably make you unhappy. Ideally you should be interested in a person who has a broader range of interests than you.

Imagine a scenario:

I like A and B, it would be cool do to A and B together, right? Yes, for a couple of weeks maybe. You have friends for that. Instead, your partner should broaden your horizons to C, D, etc. This way you might stay together for a longer time. As for the 'coolness' factor - just don't copy anyone, don't fall into subcultures to the point of fanaticism, don't try to look or sound as somebody else. It's a lie and if your lie even works (which usually doesn't) you would have to continue to lie to everyone (and to yourself) to the rest of your life.

P.S. What concerns women, I would also recommend to exert some effort to look nice. Brush and wash your hair, wear clean clothes, keep your fingernails clean and have your face shaved (if applicable).

[SolarLiner]

we aren't just a set of biological impulses

Yes, yes you are. Your brain is only sets of neurological impulses that sends electrical or hormonal impulses to other parts of your body. Your whole body then responds by sending even more hormones. If your body works, it's because of these biological impulses.

What i think you meant there is that we evolved so that lately we've gone away from our natural "be born, have children, die" cycle of life, to integrate more interesting challenges and a more complex social system.

But, the basic cycle of life is here: You are born into our world, eventually marry someone and have children with them, and hope they'll be fine, so they could have children as well.

I'm happy (...) I don't find that drive particularly strong anymore.

This is your view, your mind. You are not attracted in being with someone else, fine. On the extreme, aromantic persons exist. But you are biologically set to fall in love with someone and have children with him/her. Some people feel this more than others, but it's here.

EDIT: Oh, and there's being happy, and there's being happy. You have the "I'm happy I did my slingshot mission right the first time!" happy, and there's the "This person is the most beautiful thing that happened in my life" happy.

chasing happiness from companionship with another is doomed to fail

whaaaatt. Long term (lifetime in most cases !) romantic relationships exist: you wouldn't be here if not. True, there are couple that divorce, but don't make it a generality. Take a walk in a park and see all those old couples still loving each other. You can't say that they are not happy. Unhappy relationships usually ends pretty fast. And if you're unhappy with someone, then it's not the right person for you. Again, don't make it a generality. If you aren't happy with 5 different persons, there's nothing that says that you will be unhappy with the 6th one. That's called optimism: Without any fail, there is no success.

Love exists, people. However you decide to let it be part of your life, or not.

Edited January 23, 2015 by SolarLiner

[Red Iron Crown]

The discussion of whether a relationship is necessary for happiness or not is off-topic here. This thread is about helping people who are interested in starting or maintaining a relationship, so please let that other topic drop or start another thread about it.

[InterCity]

My advice: Find a nerd of the opposite ...: should be fairly easy if you're a gal, hard if you're a guy. Otaku are probably your best bet if you're male, there is a handful of them in most groups. Other good bets include metalheads and, ofc, scientists and gamers.

I'm engaged with an otaku metalhead, so I know what I'm talking about. Although you'll find yourself arguing about science rather than other topics, and in my case she's studying art (we'll both graduate this year), so I'd better find a job quickly. But you get the point.

Edited January 23, 2015 by InterCity

[Northstar1989]

Bahhh, reading a lot of this just makes me more lonely.

It's not like I don't TRY to date. But I face a lot of obstacles. Being smarter than most people and with nerdier interests doesn't help, but neither does the fact that many guys (and sometimes girls) in my social-circles take it upon themselves to "....-block" me whenever they see my taking an interest in a girl (and by that I mean simply chatting with an avid interest in learning more about her and hoping she'll see me as more than a friend), because I'm not up to THEIR standards of what a man should look/behave like (which involves big muscles, a lot of false-machismo, and just general BS I can't stand), so clearly it's up to THEM to decide I'm not good enough for that girl...

Ughh, maybe I travel in the wrong social-circles for my interests/personality at times, but I just can't seem to find fellow nerds to hang out with, who might then be my "wingmen" rather than my stumbling-blocks (the ironic thing: many of my friends are avowed "Christians" who should know that the Bible calls them *NOT* to be a stumbling-block to others... Unfortunately, they tend to read that in a very narrow context, and think it only applies to people not getting in their way rather than their not getting in my way...)

Regards,

Northstar

[Superfluous J]

Wait, Northstar, your FRIENDS are deciding if YOU are good enough for someone else?

I don't think your problem is dating (or not). It's your friends. You don't have good ones.