A Thread for Writers to talk about Writing

[SaturnianBlue]

@KuzzterI see you have a green-moon, and I raise you a green-cube.  In any case, the tip is really useful, I'm using it to the full potential in my next episode.  

[SaturnianBlue]

@KuzzterI posted the newest episode, does the dialogue flow well, and are the portal explanations too confusing? How was the stations diagram, the use of "green screen"? Are the traits of the characters showing well, and what about consistency? Format?

Edited April 20, 2016 by SaturnianBlue

[Tw1]

On 19/04/2016 at 0:06 PM, SaturnianBlue said:

@KuzzterI see you have a green-moon, and I raise you a green-cube.  In any case, the tip is really useful, I'm using it to the full potential in my next episode.  

I've tended to just cut things out with GIMP's free selection tool. I'm pretty quick with it, it means I know there are no stray pixels, and it's more adjustable than photoshop's lassos, so sometimes I still create transparencies in that rather than photoshop. (Though I am partial to vector masking...)

Though wouldn't a blue screen be a better idea? With Kerbals themselves being green it would give more room for error. Also, pretty sure there’s a green screen mod out there too. Never used it, but sounds good. 

[SaturnianBlue]

5 hours ago, Tw1 said:

I've tended to just cut things out with GIMP's free selection tool. I'm pretty quick with it, it means I know there are no stray pixels, and it's more adjustable than photoshop's lassos, so sometimes I still create transparencies in that rather than photoshop. (Though I am partial to vector masking...)

Though wouldn't a blue screen be a better idea? With Kerbals themselves being green it would give more room for error. Also, pretty sure there’s a green screen mod out there too. Never used it, but sounds good. 

Really though, I just use PowerPoint's Remove background function. And yes, Blue Screen are also a thing to try, but IVA suits happens to be light-blue, so the very bright shade of green I use now seems to work.

[Mister Dilsby]

14 hours ago, SaturnianBlue said:

@KuzzterI posted the newest episode, does the dialogue flow well, and are the portal explanations too confusing? How was the stations diagram, the use of "green screen"? Are the traits of the characters showing well, and what about consistency? Format?

It's all fine  

[Delfinus]

Hello authors!

I've decided to finally do something I've wanted to do for a long time, write a KSP mission report, so allow me to present to you...

Kerbol eXploration, a tale of Bravery! Of new frontiers! Of celestial body edibility!

So, having decided to join the ranks of the authors of the KSP forums, do any of you have any tips? Any criticism?

 

Thanks in advance.

-Dolphin.

 

[KSK]

Hi Dolphin,

Always good to see more writers on the forum - welcome to the thread!

First of all - congratulations! There's a huge difference between 'gee, I'd like to write some of this down some day' and actually getting around to putting words to page. That's the biggest step taken - the rest is just practice.

I liked your report. It was lighthearted, very kerbal, and fun to read. I have a couple of specific comments on the text - can post them if you really want but to be honest, I imagine your style will evolve quite a bit anyway as you keep writing, so there's probably not a lot of point getting too hung up on technicalities at this stage.

On a personal note, I find the jump from descriptive prose to film script style dialogue a little jarring but that might just be me. My stuff is entirely picture free anyway, so some of the other folks on this thread will probably give you better tips on what works well with a screenshot heavy report.

[Delfinus]

4 minutes ago, KSK said:

Hi Dolphin,

Always good to see more writers on the forum - welcome to the thread!

First of all - congratulations! There's a huge difference between 'gee, I'd like to write some of this down some day' and actually getting around to putting words to page. That's the biggest step taken - the rest is just practice.

I liked your report. It was lighthearted, very kerbal, and fun to read. I have a couple of specific comments on the text - can post them if you really want but to be honest, I imagine your style will evolve quite a bit anyway as you keep writing, so there's probably not a lot of point getting too hung up on technicalities at this stage.

On a personal note, I find the jump from descriptive prose to film script style dialogue a little jarring but that might just be me. My stuff is entirely picture free anyway, so some of the other folks on this thread will probably give you better tips on what works well with a screenshot heavy report.

Thanks KSK, It's great to receive praise from one of the greatest authors on this forum!

Yeah, I kinda see your point, it was a major leap for me to actually start writing a mission report, but now that I have started writing one I feel like it'll be easier to take on any future milestones, as I've already taken the main big step.

And thanks, being Kerbal-y is my goal, and I would appreciate your comments on the text.

Also, I agree, my jump from just the narrator speak to also including the talk amongst the individual characters was a bit jarring, and I probably should've included some speech from the characters earlier, to help ease the reader into accepting a combination of character speech and narration as the writing style used.

 

As I said before, thanks!

 

-Dolphin.

[KSK]

You're welcome - and if you're going to butter me up like that...

OK, first specific point is in this paragraph:

"The snacks were successful in their purpose, as they managed to lure Jeb into the pod, Bill, who was in charge of assembling the spacecraft, quickly ran over and sealed the hatch shut, which Jeb did not seem to care about or even notice, as he was happily eating the snacks, while Jeb was distracted eating the snacks the capsule was quickly carried out to the Launchpad, at this point Jeb finished eating the snacks and began trying to figure out how to escape the capsule, but before he could open the door the gunpowder was ignited and the capsule was sent flying up into the air."

You could get away with cutting out a couple of surplus snacks there. They make for tubby kerbals (not good for getting through command pod hatches  ) and they break up the flow of the paragraph. Plus some of the sentences run on a little. How about this?

"The snacks were successful in their purpose, as they managed to lure Jeb into the pod. Bill, who was in charge of assembling the spacecraft, quickly ran over and sealed the hatch shut, which Jeb did not seem to care about or even notice, as he was happily eating the snacks. Whilst Jeb was distracted, eating the snacks the capsule was quickly carried out to the Launchpad, at this which point Jeb finished eating the snacks and began trying to figure out how to escape the capsule, but before he could open the capsule door the gunpowder was ignited and the capsule was sent flying up into the air."

I've tweaked the punctuation a bit to make the sentences shorter and cut out some of those snacks. I think the paragraph reads a little easier now - your mileage may vary.  Which brings me on to a second point - passivity. This is one that I have to guard against a lot in my own writing  - I find it very easy to slip into but it does make for overly long-winded prose. Have a look at those last ten words:

"and the capsule was sent flying up into the air."

The big clue is the word 'was'. Why tell your readers that something was happening or that something did happen when you can just narrate what actually happened. Like so:

"Whilst Jeb was distracted, the capsule was quickly carried out to the Launchpad, at which point Jeb finished eating and began trying to figure out how to escape. But before he could open the capsule door the gunpowder was ignited and sending the capsule was sent flying up into the air!"

Or:

"Whilst Jeb was distracted, the capsule was quickly carried out to the Launchpad, at which point Jeb finished eating and began trying to figure out how to escape. But before he could open the capsule door, Joe ignited the gunpowder was ignited and sending the capsule was sent flying up into the air!"

One last point - long sentences. Sometimes they're fine but make them too long and your readers end up out of breath! For example:

"While happily devouring a mountain of snacks the crew realized that they were supposed to be running a space program, and quickly looted the nearest town for spare garbage cans, after narrowly escaping the authorities they arrived back at their space center, they then duct-taped two garbage cans together to make an even bigger booster, filled it with gunpowder, once again lured Jeb inside it, and set it on the pad."

Aaaaanddd, breathe!  Again, personal preference but I think this reads a little easier:

"While happily devouring a mountain of snacks the crew realized that they were supposed to be running a space program, and quickly looted the nearest town for spare garbage cans. After narrowly escaping the authorities they arrived back at their space center, duct-taped two garbage cans together to make an even bigger booster, and filled it with gunpowder. Once again they lured Jeb inside and set it on the pad. They also duct-taped an additional garbage can filled with snacks onto the craft, to study what happens to snacks when subjected to the force of acceleration of a rocket. This would give them essential knowledge for keeping orbiting spacecraft in orbit supplied with snacks once they reached space, and also for transporting Mint Ice Cream from Minmus."

Apologies for the additional impromptu copy-editing! However the phrase 'once they reached space' was kinda redundant given that we were already talking about orbiting spacecraft. I suppose we could be ultra-pedantic and argue that a spacecraft can orbit at any height above the ground - but orbiting in a near vacuum is a lot easier.  Also adding the 'from Minmus' at the end puts the Mint Ice Cream into context.

Actual last point - and I mean it this time. Your story - your rules! I've just given you my opinion which is absolutely not the last word on the subject. If you feel that your version read just fine or have your own ideas on how to change things - fantastic! If you were thinking, "well thanks all the same, KSK but that really wasn't what that part of the story was getting at so I'll just ignore that comment" - that's great!! Finding your own style is what its all about.

 

Whew - that went on a bit longer than I expected. Hope it helped a little. Most of all - have fun - and I look forward to reading Part 2 of Kerbol eXploration as and when you have the time to write it!

 

Edited April 20, 2016 by KSK

[Ten Key]

5 hours ago, KSK said:

 Which brings me on to a second point - passivity. This is one that I have to guard against a lot in my own writing  - I find it very easy to slip into but it does make for overly long-winded prose.

Active voice is generally preferred for the sake of clarity and brevity, but it's worth noting that scientific writing often makes use of passive voice. Active voice emphasizes the actor over the action (John mowed the lawn.), whereas passive voice emphasizes the action over the actor (The lawn was mowed by John.) or even omits the actor entirely (The lawn was mowed.). Active voice is becoming more common in scientific papers, and a lot of students these days are being told to avoid passive voice entirely, but I still prefer it in certain instances. For science papers (or after actions) the experiment (or mission) is more important than the person(s) performing it, and I think that should be reflected in the writing. 

#caneshake 

[Butterbar]

Been overloaded with school and track lately, and I have a assignment from my English teacher to go out and write a short story.  I think I have a basic outline in mind.  Could someone critique the beginning and come up with directions as to how the story should go?

 

 

Rudolf Grebner flicked the cigarette with his fingertips, it’s spent white casing crumbling to the concrete flooring of the observation room.  Outside, the Tanzanian sky was darkening: soon would come the mosquitoes, and with it, the malaria, the true killer of men inside this wilderness.  The heat was sweltering at day; the only respite was the cool gentle breeze from the Indian Ocean that swept in with the tide at night.  He likened it to the freezing winter at Stalingrad some twenty years ago.  As a Untersturmführer attached to the Fifth Army, he had suffered through the extreme cold of the Russian front.  Now he would survive the extreme heat.  

 

He stood alone on the observation deck, watching as it’s four great spotlights aimed upwards towards the gleaming cylindrical fuel tanks of the rocket.  The size of Volkswagen beetle, the crew cabin of the Aggregate-12 had just enough room for him, cocooned alone in his bulky white pressure suit as he sat in a cockpit riddled with buttons and dials.  There was enough space for two other companions, but he would go up alone.  As the first.  Tiny panels opened on the sides of the tanks, attached to yellow cables - fuel lines, pumping the LH/OX combination that would propel the small spacecraft to orbit.  And someday beyond, Rudolf thought.

 

“Beautiful tonight, isn’t it?”

Ernst Kammler strode towards Rudolf, the sound of his boots echoing across the empty corridors.  It was late into the evening, and most the garrison had retired to their barracks, save for a few companies of sentries or technicians working through highly important tasks.  Giving the customary salute, Ernst nodded to Rudolf, who saluted back.  Pivoting sharply on his heel, Ernst turned to the window.  Born to a rural family in Austria, he lacked the typical features of a “Aryan”.  But he didn’t let that stop him from his ascent through the ranks of the Luftwaffe.

 

“Yes, quite so.  Berlin’s been quiet lately with the dispatches.  They get fewer and fewer everyday.  They’re keeping us on schedule for the April 20th launch from the last time I’ve heard”, Rudolf replied.  The sun had fallen now, and the complex was alit with thousands of tiny fireflies swaying with the wind.  Above the two officers, the stars twinkled, their photons arriving upon a distant world as visitors from another solar system and another time.  Each one of these lights is a sun.  And with it, their own planets.  How many Earths are looking up there, down at us, and thinking, these are the heavens?  How many?

“Berlin thinks we’re insane.”, chuckled Ernst.  “We’re a bunch of madmen tossing ourselves from the atmosphere on glorified cans of explosives.  If it wasn’t for Goebbel and his demand for ‘technological triumph’,” he continued, “we wouldn’t be here.”

 

Looking towards the Aggregate-12, Ernst shrugged.  “After all, it is, basically, a glorified can of explosives.  The Peenemunde team says space station not soon after you launch.  Maybe a man on the moon.  Who knows.”
 

“And do you believe them?”

 

“Not exactly.  We’ve made tremendous progress.  Gliders to jets.  All of the Fatherland’s gained electrical power.  We’ve gotten radio, and rumor has the Yanks and Brits built an electric brain, called it ENIAC.  But it just seems too good, you know?” Ernst said.  “An ‘Aryan’ empire from the planets, heh.  The Fuhrer would have a field day with that.”

Rudolf nodded silently.  Since time immemorial, he had always wanted to leap upwards from the clouds and touch the stars.  These millions upon millions of suns had beckoned to him, whispering with their tiny tendrils of light and cosmic dust.  And he had been chosen as the man to be the first to touch them, to drift into the black lucidity of void above.  And hopefully, he noted, the first to survive such a mission.  The first British to break the speed of sound had not been as fortunate.

 

He glanced at his watch.  9:23 PM.  Deciding to head to his quarters, Rudolf gave a second salute to Ernst before spinning around and heading for the exit.  Ernst didn’t follow.  He too had much on his mind himself.  As the sound of his comrades footsteps faded into the distance, the Luftwaffe officer, now alone with his thoughts, glanced upwards at the glowing facade of the Moon. The man on the Moon looked back upon him, as if peacefully smiling upon the blue marble that was Earth.  

“The British have the Earth.  The Americans have industry.  What will Germany have?”, he asked, to no one in particular.  As the Aggregate-12 rocket sat on it’s pad, silently dormant and fuelling from its umbilical launch cords, the answer was too clear.  The planets  Germany will own the planets.

 

The basic plot is that Germany fights the Second World War to a standstill and pioneers spaceflight early on.  I'm planning to have this work as a continuous plot showing the progression of the Third Reich in a alternate Cold War and their slow expansion into space with eventually one of the characters discovering the dark secrets behind the "space program".  

Edited April 21, 2016 by Butterbar

[CatastrophicFailure]

1 hour ago, Butterbar said:

Been overloaded with school and track lately, and I have a assignment from my English teacher to go out and write a short story.  I think I have a basic outline in mind.  Could someone critique the beginning and come up with directions as to how the story should go?

 

  Hide contents

Rudolf Grebner flicked the cigarette with his fingertips, it’s spent white casing crumbling to the concrete flooring of the observation room.  Outside, the Tanzanian sky was darkening: soon would come the mosquitoes, and with it, the malaria, the true killer of men inside this wilderness.  The heat was sweltering at day; the only respite was the cool gentle breeze from the Indian Ocean that swept in with the tide at night.  He likened it to the freezing winter at Stalingrad some twenty years ago.  As a Untersturmführer attached to the Fifth Army, he had suffered through the extreme cold of the Russian front.  Now he would survive the extreme heat.  

 

He stood alone on the observation deck, watching as it’s four great spotlights aimed upwards towards the gleaming cylindrical fuel tanks of the rocket.  The size of Volkswagen beetle, the crew cabin of the Aggregate-12 had just enough room for him, cocooned alone in his bulky white pressure suit as he sat in a cockpit riddled with buttons and dials.  There was enough space for two other companions, but he would go up alone.  As the first.  Tiny panels opened on the sides of the tanks, attached to yellow cables - fuel lines, pumping the LH/OX combination that would propel the small spacecraft to orbit.  And someday beyond, Rudolf thought.

 

“Beautiful tonight, isn’t it?”

Ernst Kammler strode towards Rudolf, the sound of his boots echoing across the empty corridors.  It was late into the evening, and most the garrison had retired to their barracks, save for a few companies of sentries or technicians working through highly important tasks.  Giving the customary salute, Ernst nodded to Rudolf, who saluted back.  Pivoting sharply on his heel, Ernst turned to the window.  Born to a rural family in Austria, he lacked the typical features of a “Aryan”.  But he didn’t let that stop him from his ascent through the ranks of the Luftwaffe.

 

“Yes, quite so.  Berlin’s been quiet lately with the dispatches.  They get fewer and fewer everyday.  They’re keeping us on schedule for the April 20th launch from the last time I’ve heard”, Rudolf replied.  The sun had fallen now, and the complex was alit with thousands of tiny fireflies swaying with the wind.  Above the two officers, the stars twinkled, their photons arriving upon a distant world as visitors from another solar system and another time.  Each one of these lights is a sun.  And with it, their own planets.  How many Earths are looking up there, down at us, and thinking, these are the heavens?  How many?

“Berlin thinks we’re insane.”, chuckled Ernst.  “We’re a bunch of madmen tossing ourselves from the atmosphere on glorified cans of explosives.  If it wasn’t for Goebbel and his demand for ‘technological triumph’,” he continued, “we wouldn’t be here.”

 

Looking towards the Aggregate-12, Ernst shrugged.  “After all, it is, basically, a glorified can of explosives.  The Peenemunde team says space station not soon after you launch.  Maybe a man on the moon.  Who knows.”
 

“And do you believe them?”

 

“Not exactly.  We’ve made tremendous progress.  Gliders to jets.  All of the Fatherland’s gained electrical power.  We’ve gotten radio, and rumor has the Yanks and Brits built an electric brain, called it ENIAC.  But it just seems too good, you know?” Ernst said.  “An ‘Aryan’ empire from the planets, heh.  The Fuhrer would have a field day with that.”

Rudolf nodded silently.  Since time immemorial, he had always wanted to leap upwards from the clouds and touch the stars.  These millions upon millions of suns had beckoned to him, whispering with their tiny tendrils of light and cosmic dust.  And he had been chosen as the man to be the first to touch them, to drift into the black lucidity of void above.  And hopefully, he noted, the first to survive such a mission.  The first British to break the speed of sound had not been as fortunate.

 

He glanced at his watch.  9:23 PM.  Deciding to head to his quarters, Rudolf gave a second salute to Ernst before spinning around and heading for the exit.  Ernst didn’t follow.  He too had much on his mind himself.  As the sound of his comrades footsteps faded into the distance, the Luftwaffe officer, now alone with his thoughts, glanced upwards at the glowing facade of the Moon. The man on the Moon looked back upon him, as if peacefully smiling upon the blue marble that was Earth.  

“The British have the Earth.  The Americans have industry.  What will Germany have?”, he asked, to no one in particular.  As the Aggregate-12 rocket sat on it’s pad, silently dormant and fuelling from its umbilical launch cords, the answer was too clear.  The planets  Germany will own the planets.

 

The basic plot is that Germany fights the Second World War to a standstill and pioneers spaceflight early on.  I'm planning to have this work as a continuous plot showing the progression of the Third Reich in a alternate Cold War and their slow expansion into space with eventually one of the characters discovering the dark secrets behind the "space program".  

 

Interesting. I'll throw in a quick two cents here. First, technical, and especially being that this is an English assignment, mind your its and it's. The trick is to speak it "out loud" in your head, if you can substitute "it is," then it's correct. Otherwise it's its. Clear as mud? Good. There's *ahem* a certain other author around here who often struggles with the same hitch. English is a silly language. 

The first paragraph seems a bit conflicted, too. It starts off with the scourge of malaria coming with the night, then goes on to call it a respite. Perhaps the imagery could be more consistent. 

 

I'm very curious about your subject matter here. It's an intriguing concept.

[Tw1]

18 hours ago, SaturnianBlue said:

Really though, I just use PowerPoint's Remove background function. And yes, Blue Screen are also a thing to try, but IVA suits happens to be light-blue, so the very bright shade of green I use now seems to work.

Well, if it works... 

I must admit, using fancier technology can have its drawbacks. I tend to get carried away when doing something I enjoy.

I find myself asking was all that detail, or animating that effect really nessesary?  It adds to the experience, and sets the mood, but perhaps I could've told the story without it.

It looks cool in the end, and I do prefer to make things better for the long run.

But the higher I set self expectations, the more time it takes to make a new chapter, the less frequent new instalments come.

I try to give myself a special effects "budget", and prevent myself from touching up images after they've been posted, otherwise I'd work on things forever. 

 

11 hours ago, DolphinDude3 said:

Also, I agree, my jump from just the narrator speak to also including the talk amongst the individual characters was a bit jarring, and I probably should've included some speech from the characters earlier, to help ease the reader into accepting a combination of character speech and narration as the writing style used.

 

Had a quick look, and there's probably room for improvement, along the lines of what you've just said.  It doesn't seem jarring to me, but I'm one who uses that style, so it's not a surprise to see it. 

One way you can reduce the jarring, is to try and have the different types of writing to "talk" to  each other- one sort of leading into the other. To me, it sort of does that already, Jeb's exited, and his outburst is an expression of that.  There's probably something to be said about show, not tell, but that's something that you need to learn as you go.

Narration, dialogue, pictures, are all just different ways to give some sort of information to your reader, be that technical details, sequences of events, or emotional stuff. It's a case of finding  a way to make all that fit together

 

Edited April 21, 2016 by Tw1

[Starwhip]

Bit of a side question here, relating to this. We could beat the "it's your story" horse to death on these questions, but I'm not here for that.
I find that I'm one of very few (Perhaps the only one) who has not given Wernher an accent. While I'm not going to change it now, for sure, I wonder what other folks think of it. Is it overly detracting, or simply odd? Would you have noticed it had I not pointed it out? And something else. What say you of his command of the Space Program?

[Sharkman Briton]

2 minutes ago, Starwhip said:

Bit of a side question here, relating to this. We could beat the "it's your story" horse to death on these questions, but I'm not here for that.
I find that I'm one of very few (Perhaps the only one) who has not given Wernher an accent. While I'm not going to change it now, for sure, I wonder what other folks think of it. Is it overly detracting, or simply odd? Would you have noticed it had I not pointed it out? And something else. What say you of his command of the Space Program?

I like the idea of Wernhers' accent, and regarding his command, I put him on an equal level (if not higher than) Gene, if not for Wernher, who else could make awesome rockets that actually fly?

 

On another note, I've just posted A report on the presence of Space Pirates and would like to hear your thoughts and criticism!

[Mister Dilsby]

1 minute ago, Starwhip said:

I find that I'm one of very few (Perhaps the only one) who has not given Wernher an accent. While I'm not going to change it now, for sure, I wonder what other folks think of it. 

Not having read the link yet (sorry, I will!) I always find this question fascinating. You could successfully argue for or against an accent. For: he's obviously some kind of ethnic Kerbal modeled on von Braun, so he should 'sound' German. Con: every released video from SQUAD has all the kerbals speaking backwards Spanish, so making his English accented has no actual basis in canon.

I've established that there are different regions of Kerbin in my 'verse, and different languages from "standard Kerblish". When I have a character who speaks Standard as a second language I show that by throwing in simple words from the other language. I do not use 'dialect' (herein defined as a phonetically driven misspelling of a word, like "zee" for "the") because this is a global community, and I wouldn't want to be perceived as making fun of the way anyone's English sounds. I sure wouldn't want them doing that to my French.

So ultimately it does come back to "it's your story", but the key elements I think anyone writing here has to address are, (1) is your story consistent with established game canon? and (2) is your story self-consistent? So it's OK if he has no accent, so long as per rule (2) you've established that he speaks the same language and dialect as your other characters. (1) is a bit tougher since he's based on a real guy who spoke German as his primary language, and there is that 'von' in his name which no other character has. So long as you can handwave, retcon or lampshade away any such difficulties, you're good to go!  

[steuben]

I'm laying out the deep space monitoring and communication stations of the Cygnus project, for when the Cygnus class vessels get beyond effective radio distances. The signal is then relayed to a Kerbin orbit constellation of comm-sats. I'm thinking of six stations in orbit between Dres and Duna.

I can't figure if putting them co-planar or somekind of spherical arrangement would be better. I don't think it will affect the core of the swan-verse. But I want to be sure before I hang a plot detail on a bad verse detail.

[stellarator]

Hello Forumers! (is that side by this way?)

I have a story, pretty well i think, because its from me. I came up with the idea as a vacation of my serious stories, but now, i think that is the better of them, so... I want the critic of KSP Community.

Heres the link of the post on KSP Forums, where you alkso will find a link to the wattpad story (if you have an account, and you want to vote, will be fine).

Thank you all. This community is fantastic.

 

 

Edited May 1, 2016 by stellarator

[Generalstarwars333]

On 4/20/2016 at 10:44 PM, Butterbar said:

Been overloaded with school and track lately, and I have a assignment from my English teacher to go out and write a short story.  I think I have a basic outline in mind.  Could someone critique the beginning and come up with directions as to how the story should go?

 

  Hide contents

Rudolf Grebner flicked the cigarette with his fingertips, it’s spent white casing crumbling to the concrete flooring of the observation room.  Outside, the Tanzanian sky was darkening: soon would come the mosquitoes, and with it, the malaria, the true killer of men inside this wilderness.  The heat was sweltering at day; the only respite was the cool gentle breeze from the Indian Ocean that swept in with the tide at night.  He likened it to the freezing winter at Stalingrad some twenty years ago.  As a Untersturmführer attached to the Fifth Army, he had suffered through the extreme cold of the Russian front.  Now he would survive the extreme heat.  

 

He stood alone on the observation deck, watching as it’s four great spotlights aimed upwards towards the gleaming cylindrical fuel tanks of the rocket.  The size of Volkswagen beetle, the crew cabin of the Aggregate-12 had just enough room for him, cocooned alone in his bulky white pressure suit as he sat in a cockpit riddled with buttons and dials.  There was enough space for two other companions, but he would go up alone.  As the first.  Tiny panels opened on the sides of the tanks, attached to yellow cables - fuel lines, pumping the LH/OX combination that would propel the small spacecraft to orbit.  And someday beyond, Rudolf thought.

 

“Beautiful tonight, isn’t it?”

Ernst Kammler strode towards Rudolf, the sound of his boots echoing across the empty corridors.  It was late into the evening, and most the garrison had retired to their barracks, save for a few companies of sentries or technicians working through highly important tasks.  Giving the customary salute, Ernst nodded to Rudolf, who saluted back.  Pivoting sharply on his heel, Ernst turned to the window.  Born to a rural family in Austria, he lacked the typical features of a “Aryan”.  But he didn’t let that stop him from his ascent through the ranks of the Luftwaffe.

 

“Yes, quite so.  Berlin’s been quiet lately with the dispatches.  They get fewer and fewer everyday.  They’re keeping us on schedule for the April 20th launch from the last time I’ve heard”, Rudolf replied.  The sun had fallen now, and the complex was alit with thousands of tiny fireflies swaying with the wind.  Above the two officers, the stars twinkled, their photons arriving upon a distant world as visitors from another solar system and another time.  Each one of these lights is a sun.  And with it, their own planets.  How many Earths are looking up there, down at us, and thinking, these are the heavens?  How many?

“Berlin thinks we’re insane.”, chuckled Ernst.  “We’re a bunch of madmen tossing ourselves from the atmosphere on glorified cans of explosives.  If it wasn’t for Goebbel and his demand for ‘technological triumph’,” he continued, “we wouldn’t be here.”

 

Looking towards the Aggregate-12, Ernst shrugged.  “After all, it is, basically, a glorified can of explosives.  The Peenemunde team says space station not soon after you launch.  Maybe a man on the moon.  Who knows.”
 

“And do you believe them?”

 

“Not exactly.  We’ve made tremendous progress.  Gliders to jets.  All of the Fatherland’s gained electrical power.  We’ve gotten radio, and rumor has the Yanks and Brits built an electric brain, called it ENIAC.  But it just seems too good, you know?” Ernst said.  “An ‘Aryan’ empire from the planets, heh.  The Fuhrer would have a field day with that.”

Rudolf nodded silently.  Since time immemorial, he had always wanted to leap upwards from the clouds and touch the stars.  These millions upon millions of suns had beckoned to him, whispering with their tiny tendrils of light and cosmic dust.  And he had been chosen as the man to be the first to touch them, to drift into the black lucidity of void above.  And hopefully, he noted, the first to survive such a mission.  The first British to break the speed of sound had not been as fortunate.

 

He glanced at his watch.  9:23 PM.  Deciding to head to his quarters, Rudolf gave a second salute to Ernst before spinning around and heading for the exit.  Ernst didn’t follow.  He too had much on his mind himself.  As the sound of his comrades footsteps faded into the distance, the Luftwaffe officer, now alone with his thoughts, glanced upwards at the glowing facade of the Moon. The man on the Moon looked back upon him, as if peacefully smiling upon the blue marble that was Earth.  

“The British have the Earth.  The Americans have industry.  What will Germany have?”, he asked, to no one in particular.  As the Aggregate-12 rocket sat on it’s pad, silently dormant and fuelling from its umbilical launch cords, the answer was too clear.  The planets  Germany will own the planets.

 

 

The basic plot is that Germany fights the Second World War to a standstill and pioneers spaceflight early on.  I'm planning to have this work as a continuous plot showing the progression of the Third Reich in a alternate Cold War and their slow expansion into space with eventually one of the characters discovering the dark secrets behind the "space program".  

 

One: That was great. Seriously, I could easily see you making money from that if it was published.

Two: The chances of anyone remembering me are pretty low, but despite that, I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ZooNamedGames]

So I've been writing this story for a while now and it just hasn't gotten off the ground like the rest of yours has. 

any thoughts, critiques? Honestly I could do with anything since it seems I can't get them from other places. Anything other than grammar please. 

It's just, where do I lose my readers? What can I do? Any info would be great guys!!

[KSK]

Hi ZooNamedGames,

I've only skimmed Recover Vessel very quickly, although I'll certainly read through it properly when I get a moment.  With that said, I have a couple of comments.

First of all - don't get too disheartened about numbers of comments on your thread. With the best will in the world, this is primarily a gaming forum rather than a fanfic forum and I think the general level of participation on Fanworks threads reflects that. So with that said - how to drum up more feedback on your work?

I think the number one best way is simply to keep writing. A thread that's regularly updated will normally get more interest than one that's allowed to stagnate. Please note that I'm definitely not the best person to be preaching about this these days, although in fairness, I was a lot quicker back when I started my thread.

A couple of other things you could try. Update your thread title when you release a new chapter. Again, I don't do this myself but I've seen it work very well on other threads. Include a link to your story on your forum signature - it's free advertising. Next - add a chapter listing at the start of your thread with links to the relevant posts. That doesn't matter so much at the start but it's helpful to new readers when your story gets longer.

Finally - hang around on other fanfic threads. If nothing else, reading other people's work will help you develop as a writer - not a criticism, I think this is true regardless of what level you're writing at, but more importantly 'what goes around comes around'. If you're posting on other folks' threads (particularly if you have that link to your story in your signature), some of them may come over to hang out on yours, or at least link to it.

Edit:  One other thing - I'm personally not a big fan of asking for feedback directly in the story thread or holding out on your readers by only releasing new material if you get a certain level of interest. I completely understand why people do it - see my first comment about participation levels, but I think it looks a bit needy and - more importantly - I've never really seen it work.

Moving on to the story itself, the basic premise is neat and refreshingly different to most of the other stories on the forum. Like I said, I've only skimmed it but I'm looking forward to giving it a proper read-through. More comments to follow if you want them!

Edit the 2nd. Quite apart from anything else - good job with your story! You've taken the all important step of getting the ideas out of your head and onto the page. Anything after that is icing on the cake.

Edited June 8, 2016 by KSK

[Mister Dilsby]

2 hours ago, ZooNamedGames said:

So I've been writing this story for a while now and it just hasn't gotten off the ground like the rest of yours has. 

any thoughts, critiques? Honestly I could do with anything since it seems I can't get them from other places. Anything other than grammar please. 

It's just, where do I lose my readers? What can I do? Any info would be great guys!!

@ZooNamedGames, i read through it and it's not bad at all. Some thoughts:

I don't think it's that you lose the readers, it's that you never grab them in the first place. What your story is about, and what makes it unique, is that it's about what happens after the mission--we just click "recover" and it's over, right? But maybe for the Kerbonaut, it isn't! 

However we don't know that that's what this story is about until the second big block of text. And to get there we have to get through the first block. I admit, I read this when it first came out and stopped somewhere in the middle of that first block. "Just another first mission report," I said, and moved on. So, you need to either grab readers with the unique element with your story sooner, or hold their interest longer so they'll get to it before giving up. Actually, you should do both. I would:

• Cut out anything extraneous in the leadup, anything that doesn't accelerate us directly to the crisis. Show us right away this isn't a routine re-entry and landing.
• Related to the above, keep the focus firmly on Jabe--when you name the mission controller, that signals the reader to pay attention to Chris. By convention, named characters are important. But Chris isn't important any more once Jabe crashes and loses communication--in fact, Jabe is the only character around for what looks like the whole rest of the story. So, don't distract the reader from her. 
• Break up those blocks of text into paragraphs. Each new line of dialogue is a paragraph also! This makes the whole thing easier on the eyes.
• Sorry, but grammar and spelling do count. "Breath" is the noun, "breathe" is a verb. "You're still on course," not "Your still on course."  Getting and keeping readers is about building trust--trust that the time invested reading a story will pay off with great entertainment. Readers are more likely to trust you if you demonstrate technical proficiency. And that goes for things like proper paragraph spacing, etc.

I hope that helps--good luck!

[ZooNamedGames]

45 minutes ago, Kuzzter said:

@ZooNamedGames, i read through it and it's not bad at all. Some thoughts:

I don't think it's that you lose the readers, it's that you never grab them in the first place. What your story is about, and what makes it unique, is that it's about what happens after the mission--we just click "recover" and it's over, right? But maybe for the Kerbonaut, it isn't! 

However we don't know that that's what this story is about until the second big block of text. And to get there we have to get through the first block. I admit, I read this when it first came out and stopped somewhere in the middle of that first block. "Just another first mission report," I said, and moved on. So, you need to either grab readers with the unique element with your story sooner, or hold their interest longer so they'll get to it before giving up. Actually, you should do both. I would:

• Cut out anything extraneous in the leadup, anything that doesn't accelerate us directly to the crisis. Show us right away this isn't a routine re-entry and landing.
• Related to the above, keep the focus firmly on Jabe--when you name the mission controller, that signals the reader to pay attention to Chris. By convention, named characters are important. But Chris isn't important any more once Jabe crashes and loses communication--in fact, Jabe is the only character around for what looks like the whole rest of the story. So, don't distract the reader from her. 
• Break up those blocks of text into paragraphs. Each new line of dialogue is a paragraph also! This makes the whole thing easier on the eyes.
• Sorry, but grammar and spelling do count. "Breath" is the noun, "breathe" is a verb. "You're still on course," not "Your still on course."  Getting and keeping readers is about building trust--trust that the time invested reading a story will pay off with great entertainment. Readers are more likely to trust you if you demonstrate technical proficiency. And that goes for things like proper paragraph spacing, etc.

I hope that helps--good luck!

I'll see what I can do. Only so much I can do.

[Just Jim]

On 4/21/2016 at 2:50 PM, Starwhip said:

Bit of a side question here, relating to this. We could beat the "it's your story" horse to death on these questions, but I'm not here for that.
I find that I'm one of very few (Perhaps the only one) who has not given Wernher an accent. While I'm not going to change it now, for sure, I wonder what other folks think of it. Is it overly detracting, or simply odd? Would you have noticed it had I not pointed it out? And something else. What say you of his command of the Space Program?

My Werhner doesn't have an accent either.  No real reason, except I just didn't think about it that much when I first started my story, and no-one ever questioned it.  Quite honestly, I don't think I would have given it any thought at all if you hadn't brought it up.  But now that you have, I think it would be weird if I suddenly changed and started using it.

As for his position in my space program, I look at Gene and Werhner as equals, but with different positions.  Gene is in charge of the administrative end of KASA, and Werhner is in charge of ship design and construction. 
However, when a command decision needs to be made, Werhner will offer what advice he can, but usually defers to Gene.

[Kerbinchaser]

Howdy. I am in the middle of a novel based on KSP, and when I'm done, I'll post it on the forums.

I'm just here to get tips and tricks from the best, such as Just Jim. Or Kuzzter.

Edited June 8, 2016 by Lo Var Lachland