Kerbal Death Note

[TwoCalories]

Linus Kerman was playing with the Offset Tool in the VAB while none of the engineers was looking when he accidentally locked the node to his head. He tried pulling it off, but he pulled the X-axis down, smashing him paper-thin instantly. The engineers came in and found a paper-thin Linus on the floor. They took him back to R&D while the KSC scientists figured out how to undo the Offset. One of the engineers suggested just using the Offset tool to restore him to 3D. However, at that moment a CS/T-77 trainer jet had a mechanical failure above the KSC and jettisoned its drop tanks as part of emergency procedures. The drop tank smashed into the R&D and right into 2D Linus.

Durnan Kerman: Trying to beat Jebediah Kerman to the Mun in an unplanned mission.

Edited June 14 by TwoCalories
new paaage

[Iapetus7342]

Linus was having a nice day on Efil, flying his handmade plane he built over the course of the week. He got permission from the KSC to begin flying, and did so from runway 09, bringing a recorder because why not. During his flight he passed over the infamous Sea of Ends, a large sea known for causing anyone who dared cross it to die in the most random means. Linus flew over the sea, too busy admiring the view, and was caught by the Kraken. The last photo in the recorder was from the perspective of a 2D organism, and a nearby light house recorded the following log:

LOG START 2040-02-24, 11:20AM LOCAL TIME

11:20: Anomaly detected over Sea of Ends

11:21: Distress signal received, denied due to extreme risk

11:21: Distress signal received, denied due to extreme risk

11:22: Distress signal received, denied with force

11:22: Severe vessel contortion detected

11:21: SySte m  F A iLrue

!!:£$: S G  L  OS 

END LOG

The lighthouse then saw Linus' plane, with him still in it, become 2D and disappear, before the Kraken returned to the murky depths of the Sea of Ends.

Spoiler

The Efil Coast Guard division discovered the remains of Linus and his plane the following day, with black box data revealing that Linus had disregarded warnings from the KSC about the Sea of Ends. Funerary sevices were promptly held and all access to the sea was forcefully revoked.

Varen Kerman: Falling into Kcalbeloh 

Edited June 14 by Iapetus7342
Oh dear, it appears someone already did it

[tryharder]

Durnan Kerman betted Jeb that he could build a better rocket and land it on the Mun before him. Jeb disagreed and challenged Durnan to a competition. The funny thing is that Durnan did indeed beat Jeb, and was just celebrating it on the surface of the Mun when Jeb landed his rocket. Straight on top of Durnan.

Jakey Kerman dies of old age while waiting 19 million years for his girlfriend to return from a space mission.

[Abel Military Services]

Jakey Kerman's girlfriend went on a trip to the edge of the observable universe, but when she decided to take the trip, Jakey was at North Kerbin to plan some conspiracies, so he didn't come. He waited and waited till death. 

Torres Kerman - Salvation

[Mars-Bound Hokie]

"A powerful boat, a powerful gun, powerful ammunition. Add to that lots of people and a precise aim! Then sprinkle death all over it, and the formula is complete!" Those were the closing words of the manifesto tape of Torres Kerman, an extremist who was once a captain of Marx's navy before his dishonorable discharge. 

He knew for years that Marx's government would not attack Squaddon first, despite being the capital of their geopolitical rival on Kerbin. So, Torres secretly funded the (now-defunct) shipbuilding company Changzheng to construct a one-man ballistic submarine called the S.M.G. Salvation. Some time after his discharge, his hidden funds were running dry and he heard from one of his old navy buddies that the Marxan police were on to his operation. Refusing to be stopped, he forced his way to the incomplete prototype and set sail. Though the submarine could navigate its way through the seas with excellence, its defense and missile launch systems were not ready yet - and the engineers had not yet labeled the buttons. Fearing a retaliatory strike in case Torres' plan succeeded, Marx's government warned Kerbin's air force about him and told them where to expect him.

After Torres had surfaced, he noticed dozens of fighters - Marxan Fishbeds among them - approaching him. The Salvation carried surface-to-air missiles, so he had expected to hold off the attackers long enough to fire without a hitch. However, since the engineers at Changzheng had not yet separated the weapons controls from the navigation systems, Torres lost his primary target every time he aimed to take out a plane. He then saw the big red encased button in the middle of the sub and punched it, hoping to prepare the missile for launch.

What he did not know was that it was the button to activate Salvation's self-destruct sequence. Although Torres did request that feature in order to avoid capture, that button had not yet been labeled and he did not know what it would look like.

• Many called it doubly ironic that Salvation, though meant to end millions of lives, ended up saving them instead by killing its captain and sole crewmember.

 

Wurmheller Kerman will be killed by a tesla weapon.

[Abel Military Services]

Wurmheller was an ace pilot of the KSC union, at least before defecting to "A world without Rockets". "A world without rockets" is an terrorist organization that aims to "Restart the space program" using nukes. Wurmheller was chosen as the pilot that will pilot the nuke-carrying F-15C. 

When he arrived at the Island Airspace, he found out a strange flying thing was flying towards him. Then the last thing he feel before the plane melted is a strong lightning noise. 

"Good job, Larry! " said the KSC union AWACS "Rocketeer".  "How was this experimental fighter plane be like? "

" Fine. " said Larry Kerman. 

Larry Kerman - Removing the boundaries. 

[ColdJ]

Larry Kerman removed all the collider boundaries. Then fell through the planet to be trapped floating in a gray void till they died.

Bill Kerman, software developer.

[tryharder]

Bill Kerman wrote a new program for a superintelligent AI named KerbGPT. Initially, KerbGPT helped the space program compute spacecraft trajectories, but one day gained sentience and planned to eradicate all kerbals. Its first victim was Bill Kerman.

Next Victim: Grace Kerman

Method of death: Poisons herself with 50 sleeping pills (after she discovers that "physics doesn't exist")

[ColdJ]

Grace Kerman was going to try to take 50 sleeping pills but with the discovery that physics doesn't exist, that in turn meant chemistry doesn't exist, infact nothing exists, so everything in the universe just dissolved away and all that was left was nothing.

Jason Kerman, The Kerman Identity.

[Watermel00n]

Jason Kerman realised that he was the only one that could save the kerbal race, but upon finding out that kerbalkind was simply a simulation in a fan fiction of a game, he immidiately was deleted from persistence to avoid spreading the news.

Herman Kerman - Not Jaywalking

[TwoCalories]

Herman Kerman walked on the street crossing when the crossing light came on, like a mindful and law-abiding pedestrian, when a less than law abiding truck driver blew past the red light and ran him over.

Trigger Kerman - doing twenty Kulbit maneuvers in a row.

[Iapetus7342]

Trigger Kerman was once testing his new shiny guns in the higher regions of Kerbin's atmosphere, but when he tried to return to the Dessert Airfield he realised someone at the Plane Assembly Complex had put the Vertical Stabiliser on in 2x symmetry. He decided that he would use this small blunder to do some tricks to drain the integrity and allow the lower stabiliser to fall off. He decided in the moment to preform a Kulbit manouver, estimating that it'd take around 25 loops to destroy the stabiliser. After around 10 loops Trigger was beginning to feel dizzy. 3 more and he was throwing up. Around 18 loops after his "great" idea began he had finally blacked out. Despite his copilot, Jordan Kerman's best efforts to wake him up and regain control, the plane just wouldn't return to normalcy and Trigger was out cold. 2 uncontrolled manouvers later and Jordan decided to abandon the plane. The plane promptly crashed into a mountain near the Inland KSC 28 seconds after Jordan ejected, saving his life.

Spoiler

Trigger's mangled body, along with flight blackbox data, were recovered 1 hour and 35 minutes after the crash, only being identified after Jordan told the first responders about his side of the story, with dental records of Trigger being used to prove it. He was buried on-site around 1km from the mountain he crashed on.

Jordan Kerman - Traumatic Brain Injury after being struck by a random jet engine at the KSC's engineering department.

[TwoCalories]

Jordan Kerman was being transported back to the KSC after the unfortunate incident that KIA'd his wingman. He had ejected and survived, and was returning to base in a K-17 transport craft. After landing, he egressed from the vessel and started walking down toward the hangars when the K-17 had a computer error, reactivating one of the engines. The engine exploded from the faulty startup, sending an engine part hurtling directly at Jordan.

Jedediah Kerman (not to be confused with Jebediah Kerman) - trying to do fancy aerial stunts like Jeb.

[ColdJ]

Jedediah Kerman thought they were Jedediah Kerman and tried doing stunts like Jedediah Kerman, when they found that they couldn't do stunts like Jedediah Kerman, they started to doubt that they were Jedediah Kerman. This lead down a path of self doubt and existential dread, then suddenly their brain short circuited and they ceased to exist.

Coral Kerman, diving on a Reef.

[Iapetus7342]

Coral Kerman was a very ocean-obsessed astronaut, so he was over the Mun when he was accepted for a mission to the recently discovered habitable ocean moon of AZ-82b! After taking a ride on the newly built interstellar vessel Project Toothpick, he had arrived at the overly blue marble, a place so beautiful to him that he thought the Kraken had talored it to him specifically. Coral Kerman then boarded TT-02, a Toothpick Truck (basically a lander designed to haul equipment and colony supplies from Project Toothpick to the surface of the target planet) with the other kerbals assigned to it (Jebediah Kerman, Bob Kerman and Ximen Kerman). One short reentry and landing proceedure later, he was at his new home. Coral JUST couldn't wait and the first thing he did after the hatch opened was to dive into the coral reef near their island landing spot, so excited that he failed to hear Ximen's warning and completely forgot his diving gear. By the time Coral realised what he had just gotten himself into (about 35 seconds after splashing down) it was too late and the lack of a safety suit, combined with the Reef's trance leading him to dive around 200 meters below sea level and a very hungry member of the native species now known as Vultus Limunaria passing by all lead to his unfortunate death.

Spoiler

Coral's wetsuit, the only thing he had on during the attack, along with a stray eyeball left behind by the Vultus Limunaria that had killed him were the only remains fished out the water, being removed around 10 minutes after Coral was eaten. Whatever other remains of Coral that weren't eaten were declared unrecoverable and the situation was treated as a Burial at Sea. Other than another unfortunate kerbal being crushed after diving too deep in AZ-82b4's global ocean, colonisation of the watery moon was an overall success, ensuring Kerbalkind's survival across the stars.

Eurika Kerman - Diving too deep and being crushed by extreme pressure.

[TwoCalories]

Eurika Kerman was giving orders to explore underwater to search for anomlaies on AZ-82b4. Surface expeditions hadn't yielded results, but anomalous signals had been emitted from deep underwater. An underwater excursion vehicle was built on-site at the colony and released over the coordinates by a separate boat. Eurika continued to dive downward toward the Area of Interest, but soon the pressure limit was closing in and she prepared to abort the mission. Seconds after she radioed the surface vessel however, her controls immediately disabled. She continued diving downward at the same attitude she had oriented the vessel, and for her final moments she watched as the altimeter ticked away...

Spoiler

TRANSMISSION - VESSEL: Kestrel-Class Seaboat "Manifest II" - AZ-82b4:

<<We have completely lost contact with Oscar-1. Given their last transmitted speed and attitude, they likely passed the hard limit and imploded.>>

<<This is Seabase Echo. Sonar detections match that of an underwater vehicle implosion.>>

<<*sigh* Understood, Echo. Manifest II, returning to base.>>

Vitoze Kerman - going on EVA over Rouqea (Kcalbeloh Planet System) to repair the space station.

[Iapetus7342]

Vitoze was one of the few members of Project Toothpick's second launch to the Kcalbeloh system that stayed behind in orbit of Rouqea, being chosen to help with any technical faults that may occur aboard the vessel before it's scheduled return to Kerbin. During the 3 year exploratory phase of the Rouqea mission, she had gotten word of a new space station operated by the Skotslund Space Agency orbiting the planet having some technical issues. Since the only hauler available was not enough to get there she decided to board it anyways, planning to become the first kerbal to transfer to a different station using their EVA pack. It took a few hours but Vitoze was too focused to notice the O2 alarm, indicating her oxygen was running low. She did get to the station but it was too late to stay alive as by the time she had pressed the airlock cycle button she fell into unconsciousness.

Spoiler

Vitoze's corpse was recovered when the airlock opened, 30 seconds after she fell unconscious, with the crew of the station (later identified as Depths Station) working tirelessly to revive her. Despite their best efforts, all attempts were futile and she was declared brain dead 5 minutes after emergency operation began. Vitoze was threw into an excess reentry pod and burned up in the atmosphere, with the burnt scraps that survived being used for the construction of TP-2's Rouqea Base.

Ervo Kerman - Falling into Kcalbeloh after a catastrophic computer failure.

Edited August 24 by Iapetus7342
fixing grammar

[TwoCalories]

Ervo Kerman was sent by himself on a mission to Onrefni, Kcalbeloh's innermost planet. It was known to be covered in lava and the surface cracking from the harsh tides. However, science was to be had, and perhaps unique resources to be uncovered. Ervo was one of the highest skilled pilots from TP-2 and was launched by himself on a Prospector scout SSTO. He was assisted by an automated flight computer, but while preparing to do orbital insertion over Onrefni, the computer was confused by the strange gravitational dynamics of a tidally locked planet with a black hole, and mistakenly started burning to increase speed. Ervo was too busy conducting science over Onrefni to notice, and by the time he did, it was too late. Prospector had already expended all its propellant and was on a descent trajectory into Kcalbeloh.

Spoiler

Rouqea Station was in communication with Prospector for the duration of the flight. They watched and listened as the small SSTO sank further and further, lower and lower until it sank below the event horizon. They had listened to the comms the whole time, but something odd: by the time Prospector crossed the event horizon, all of the science instruments had been run and transmitted. It seemed Ervo knew it was already too late for him, and in the couple of hours before the point of no return, he ran the science experiments, so at least something came out of his unfortunate demise.

Prospector was deemed lost. Ervo was deemed KIA. No one could ever have survived that...

Gale Kerman - Testing an experimental lander while landing in the Munar night...

[Iapetus7342]

Gale was the first kerbal elected to test the Toothpick Hauler's new vaccum variant, being a less aerodynamic and more heavy version of the Toothpick Hauler, designed for habitable vaccum planets and moons. The test entailed landing on The Mun to test all the important systems to make sure it wouldn't fail, with Gale being assisted by the KSC during landing. Of course, everything went swimmingly until landing  began. Due to a freak accident involving 2 satellites crashing into each other, communications with KSC were lost and the Munar Launch Complex was too far to connect to. Gale's last reported transmission was a mayday as lunar night had set in and the engine bell failed at 4502 AGL.

Spoiler

The crashed vessel was discovered at the Grande Farside Crater, with the status of the vessel being relayed to KSC after 2 replacement CommSats were put into orbit by the MLC. Autopsy reports later discovered that Gale survived the initial crash but had suffocated to death due to a major loss of power as the RTGs were completely destroyed, causing power to be lost and the oxygen recycling system to fail. Gale's remains were later cremated and scattered at the site of his crash. Thankfully, later models were able to be tested without much issue allowing the Toothpick Vaccum Hauler to enter mass production.

Iapetus Kerman - Misjudging the Delta-V

Edited August 25 by Iapetus7342
for the love of me i cannot type