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A Joke Thread - Funny, Not So Funny, Just Jokes!

MightyDarkStar

By MightyDarkStar
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MightyDarkStar

MightyDarkStar

Posted
Posted

So, tell us your best jokes!

Please No Racist Ones!Il

I'll start then,

I was standing in a park thinking Why does a Frisbee look bigger the closer it gets? And then it hit me!

When John and edward went under cover in IS they were obviously - Jihad-ward!

Me and my mates were talking about a bloke standing across the street. He came over and yelled

"You disgust me!!"

And I said

"Yes, yes we did."

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mrrpamplemousse

mrrpamplemousse

Posted
Posted

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.â€Â

The other says, “Are you sure?â€Â

The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…â€Â

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon being asked the price, the bartender responded, “For you? No charge.â€Â

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  • 2 weeks later...
SmartS=true

SmartS=true

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Which came first: the chicken or the egg? The evolutionist says the egg, the creationist says the chicken, and the zombie that just broke in doesn't care, and eats both of them.

I have a bunch of other ones me and my friends made up, but they are all really inappropriate.

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  • 3 weeks later...
HafCoJoe

HafCoJoe

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Well I hope you all enjoy a good classic campfire run on... do read! I've had the pleasure to tell this around numerous campfires. First time I've shared it online! Enjoy!

The Bacon Tree

You see this one time my friends and I were camping off in the woods. After hiking in and setting up camp, I decided to go for a walk by myself as they finished setting up the tents. As I walked around trees and through ferns, I noticed that the surrounding forest was beginning to grow less dense. After five minutes the dense forest was completely gone and I found myself in a clearing. And right in the middle was a peculiar tree...

As I got closer I noticed that hanging off of each branch where there would usually be leaves, was bacon. Bacon for crying out loud! I ran back to camp and grabbed my friends to tell them we didn't need to cook dinner tonight. We would be eating bacon!

After much consolation and begging, I finally succeeded in getting everyone to come with me. We came to the clearing again and sure enough, there was the bacon tree. Glistening in the sun...

We stood around the bacon tree... mouths watering! I reached up towards a branch and pluck! I grabbed a piece of genuine pork bacon off the branch. The change was immediate. Suddenly the tree started shaking! And waving! And battering us with its branches! It was like the wamping willow! Right at that moment I realized...

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a HAM-BUSH!!!!

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  • 11 months later...
shamefulprincess

shamefulprincess

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Posted

Little Joey's confession

 

 

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

 

The priest asks, Is that you, little Joey Pagano?

 

Yes, Father, it is.

 

And who was the girl you were with?

 

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

 

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

 

I cannot say.

 

Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?

 

I'll never tell.

 

Was it Nina Capelli? I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.

 

Was it Cathy Piriano?

 

My lips are sealed.

 

Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?

 

Please, Father! I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration.

 

You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

 

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

 

Four months vacation and five good leads...

 

Great jokes ... you can share them with my friends at nodepositforum.com if you like, that is where I found this one, Ill bring you some more later.

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Endersmens

Endersmens

Posted
Posted

Let's see...I've got some tucked away. I'll start off simple.

Why did the bubblegum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken's foot!

My venturing crew planned a camping trip next week. It's going to be intense! Intents? Darn, that one was more of an audible joke...

Ok. Long one.

So there's this master. He has three apprentices. He tells the first one, "Go kill me a buck."

Later, the apprentice comes back dragging a buck. 

The master asks, "How did you get the buck?" 

He replies, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I see buck, I shoot buck, I bring buck back."

"Good." The master says. To his second apprentice, he says "Go kill me a bull."

Later, the apprentice comes back dragging a bull.

The master asks again, "How did you get the bull?"

He replies, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I see bull, I shoot bull, I bring bull back."

"Good, good." The master says. To his third apprentice he says, "Go kill me whatever you desire."

Later, the apprentice limps back, covered in blood.

"What happened??" His master exclaimed in surprise.

"I see tracks. I follow tracks. I see train. I shoot train. Train didn't stop."

:D I've had that one since I was like 7. It was funnier back then, but hey. It's whatever. :P 

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FishInferno

FishInferno

Posted
Posted

I have a couple "Shaggy dog" jokes, they aren't really enjoyable to read, but use them on your friends for a good reaction.

The first goes like so:

 

One day, a little girl was in art class, and the teacher told them to draw whatever they want and then share it to the rest of the class.  The girl decided to draw a picture of purple flowers, and when it came her turn to present, she stood up and showed everyone her picture.  Suddenly horrified, the teacher asked "What is that a picture of?" 

"Purple flowers." the girl replied.

"How dare you say such things!?  You must go down to the principal's office right now!"

Confused, the girl did as she was told and went to the principal's office. When she got there, the principal asked "Little girl, why were you sent here?"

"I got in trouble for saying 'purple flowers', but I don't understand why that's bad!" she said.

"Young lady, at this school we strive to maintain a respectful attitude, and we simply cannot have people like you polluting us with this fowl language.  You are hereby expelled from this school." The principal slammed the door as the girl left.

More than a little puzzled, the girl went home to find her mother sewing.  "Why are you home so early, dear?" her mom asked.

"I'm confused, mom.  I got expelled from school just for saying purple flowers! Why could it be so bad to say purple flowers?!"

Distraught, her mother stammered "How could you do this to us, where has my parenting failed? Go to your room right now until your father gets home!"

Now a little teary-eyed, the girl sat in her room, awaiting her fate at the hands of her dad.  When he hot home, he came to her room and asked "What seems to be the matter?"

"I said purple flowers, but can you at least tell me why that's a bad thing?!"

Brushing her plea aside, her father stood up and said "Missy, I am afraid that you are no longer welcome in this household.  You are not living with us any longer.  Pack your things and leave!"

Some time later, the little girl made her way down the street, crying her heart out.  What could be so bad to get you kicked out of your family?  A man walked by, and saw her upset.

"Where are your parents, little girl?"

"I got kicked out of home for saying purple flowers." She managed between sobs.

"I am afraid we cannot have people like you in this country." came the aggravated response. "Come on, I'll put you on a plane to South America."

A few hours later, she was on board the plane, flying away from her home.  A flight attendant saw her upset state and asked "What's the matter?"

"I got deported JUST FOR SAYING PURPLE FLOWERS!!!!" she shouted in anger.

"Well then, I am afraid you will have to leave this plane.  Here is a parachute, the door is this way."

As many of you know, in order to fly to South America, you must fly over Mexico.  So the girl parachutes down and lands in a Mexican town.  A woman approached the girl and asked "Why are you so upset, young one?"

"I got sent to the principals office, expelled from school, sent to my room, kicked out of the house, deported, and then thrown off a plane, all for saying purple flowers!  Whats so bad about purple flowers!?"

The woman took the girl's hand and pointed across the street to an old house.  "Go to that fortune teller, and she will tell you why it is bad to say purple flowers"

The girl thanked the woman and started making her way across the street, but BAM! she got hit by a bus.  Moral of the story: Look both ways before you cross the street.

 

I have two more if you want, but they take a while to type and I'm lazy XD

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