Felsmak

I tried to resurrect the Kraken.

My Kerbals are on a top secret mission to Bop. Not to gather soil samples or take pictures, or anything. It’s way scarier than that. I know that the long dead Space Kraken was slain there – somewhere near the north pole – and my Kerbals are there to locate its remains. Why the secrecy, you ask? Well, not only does the Space Kraken officially not exist, but I also intend to bring it back to life and restore the universe to the glorious chaos that ruled it back in the old days. If anybody on Kerbin found out, they would just try to stop me. It sounds strange. I know. But assuming that it would be grateful, I could probably use it to get more funding for my space program! The problem is just that I have no idea how to actually resurrect anything. But of course, my Kerbals don’t know that, and should any of them find out, you can believe me when I say the consequences will be dire. Anyhow, I started to experiment with different alignments of Jool’s moons. I also assumed that I would need candles, so I provided my crew with the most advanced candles ever made by Kerbal hands. Jeb, my most trusted pilot, is the leader of the project. The leader that isn’t me, that is. He supervises the ritual from the altar erected outside the circle, and said altar also contains an entire library of stuff to chant at the Kraken. Jeb is a very good supervisor. Unfortunately, however, the mission was a failure. Despite my best efforts, I have not been able to resurrect the Kraken, and I really have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I don't know if it's the planetary alignments, the chanting, the candles or something else that I don't know about. I'm kind of starting to run out of ideas, and I almost feel like giving up and just write those applications instead. I don't want to admit that to my Kerbals, however, so I'd like to know if any of you guys would happen to have any ideas of your own. How would you try to resurrect the Space Kraken?

I just discovered Whack-A-Kerbal. I will enjoy this.

Save file editing, console cheats and a lot of Hitchhikers. Would probably have been better to do it legitimately, but I don't really feel like going through all that trouble for a joke.

Somewhere at the bottom of the great mohole.

I found out that some of my Kerbals had eaten more snacks than they were allowed. I could not let such an act go unpunished, so I had to teach them a lession. I figured some non-solitary mohole confinement would do the trick, so I carried the perpetrators all the way to the north pole of the innermost planet. It was a long way down. A very, very long way down. Eventually, though, they reached the bottom, so the ones that survived the fall now had plenty of time to think about what they had done. There were many Kerbals on my list, but I believe I got them all. I think they will respect the snack rations in the future!

When Kerbals won't stick to their snack rations, you have to discipline them.

Wait, it's spelled Jaime? Rats!

The Great Naked Space Man is a tall, humanoid entity whose irresistible, masculine physique could cause anyone who gazes upon him to swoon in a matter of seconds. He lives in orbit around Kerbin where he's constantly ready to seduce unsuspecting Kerbonauts as they go on EVA, and they invariably give in and embrace him within a minute of his appearance in their vicinity. As of yet, no Kerbal has been able to resist him. This is bad, because he's also very dangerous. As soon as a lovestruck Kerbal approaches the Great Naked Space Man for a kiss, he removes its helmet and causes a rapid decompression of its space suit. His victim dies in his strong, manly arms from asphyxiation, and he then proceeds with consuming its soul before he vanishes into the blackness. So far, over a dozen Kerbals are confirmed to have perished at the mighty hands of the Great Naked Space Man, and Kerbal souls are believed to be his favourite food as well as the source of the strange, hunky glow that surrounds his flawless body. Numerous attempts have been made to improve the safety for spacewalking Kerbals, including the development of increasingly complex locking mechanisms for helmets, but unfortunately, he has outsmarted Kerbin's finest engineers every single time. He could open even the world’s most complex helmet in a mere 69 seconds, and it looks like there's no real way to beat the Great Naked Space Man besides staying inside.

Perhaps you remember Queen Dresmeralda, the well dressed queen of Dres and all that is lumpy? I just finished her quest for asteroid domination! Let us start from the beginning, shall we? She came to liberate our beloved dwarf planet from the terrible pretender queen who didn't even pay the landing fee. Equipped with only a rocket launcher, fueled by blood and powered by hatred, our glorious Queen heroically confronted the unarmed impostor from behind! Unable to defend herself, her stricken adversary could only watch as justice hit her like a hammer; her solar panels had been ripped clean off by the blast. Such is the precision of the rocket launcher mounted on the shoulder of Queen Dresmeralda. Forever trapped underneath Queen Dresmeralda's terrible metal gown, the overthrown pretender can only watch as her old realm is being governed by its rightful ruler instead. Without any electrical systems to support her, she can neither move, speak nor even see. She is trapped and shall remain so for all eternity, for such is the punishment for asteroid theft! All hail Dresmeralda, Queen of Dres and all that is lumpy! May her reign last until the end of time!

So perhaps you remember Queen Dresmeralda, the well dressed queen of Dres and all that is lumpy? She came to liberate our beloved dwarf planet from the terrible pretender queen who didn't even pay the landing fee. Equipped with only a rocket launcher, fueled by blood and powered by hatred, our glorious Queen heroically confronted the unarmed impostor from behind! Unable to defend herself, her stricken adversary could only watch as justice hit her like a hammer; her solar panels had been ripped clean off by the blast. Such is the precision of the rocket launcher mounted on the shoulder of Queen Dresmeralda. Forever trapped underneath Queen Dresmeralda's terrible metal gown, the overthrown pretender can only watch as her old realm is being governed by its rightful ruler instead. Without any electrical systems to support her, she can neither move, speak nor even see. She is trapped and shall remain so for all eternity, for such is the punishment for asteroid theft! All hail Dresmeralda, Queen of Dres and all that is lumpy! May her reign last until the end of time!

Obsolete? More like improved!

I remember the days before the new crew system. I always ended up launching the same Kerbals, even when they were already in use. Had they ever met each other, I'm sure the universe would've imploded. Or something.

I'd totally build Unicron from Transformers.

Hit abort Hit abort Won't ride this thing anymore Hit abort Hit abort That is what that button's for I don't care What our boss will say I don't want to die They're still gonna yell at us either way

I guess that would be the probe Jaimie and its lander Bran.

Here's the first verse. Just something I threw together. Should find some other word to rhyme with than anything, though. Also, the tone might not really suit the lyrics in some of the lines. Anyway, I guess Jeb has been transferred to a new job where he's in charge of the space program instead, and this makes him undergo a huge personality change. Will you let us go to Duna? Come on, let's go explore! We never land on anything Not anything Why are you such a bore? You used to be a badass But now you're lame I'm tired of LKO! Will you let us go to Duna? Or we could just go to Minmus (P*ss off, Bob!) Okay, bye

No, it's more of an add-on. Kinda like ARM, except for real life.

I bet someone's mama had to take the blame for that one.

None of my friends play KSP.

Probing. Lots and lots of probing.

There's always some way to motivate them.

But on Kerbin, they're probably the same thing.

He's quite dead, I'm afraid. But it was a team effort, and the science gathered will surely help in the development of safer space suits in the future! Or something.

That rocket could have its own moon.