AlamoVampire

Im not doing so well yall. I dont feel this is worthy of taking up a post in a thread but still wanted to put this out there. Im overwhelmed. Lately ive had a slew of things go wrong and its taking a toll. First my disposal went and broke. Then my car had a charging system issue so had to get a new battery then a new alternator. Then my camaro decided it wanted to nuke its battery. In fairness its battery was a 2019 battery, but still. Then tonight? Went to start my dishwasher and either i flubbed and missed a button (hey im human, im stressed, im wound up, it happens) or… i dont wanna consider or… and when i hit start it buzzed at me. Then i got it going by opening the door and that i guess reset it and this time i know i hit all the buttons right because its going on like a champ as i type. Guys i just want to know im going to be ok, that my stress and anxiety will quiet down. I just want…no…need a hug. Any words of encouragement and hugs would be nice. 
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Yes. Im very hurt right now. Yes i am angry right now. Yes. Im very bitter about it.

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Things feel surreal and unreal like a dream i just cannot wake from. 
 

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Im completely convinced I am cursed. The event that broke me tonight has convinced me of this. I wish I knew why this is. To quote Shakespeare’s As You Like It (act 2 scene 7): “All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances…” If this is true, then today, right here, right now, I feel as if I am on stage in a tragedy and in this tragedy I am alone on this stage and the house lights just went out leaving me in pitch black darkness. I feel so so so alone now.

"I am alone and this loneliness is killing me." -unknown

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Ive just been broken.

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So what just happened isnt thread worthy but I feel a need to voice it. Right now as I type this im playing MSFS2020 doing a flight to Phoenix. Im in the cruise phase at FL380 so not much to do. I decided to play some music and a song that really does cut me like a no other came on. I had a sudden compulsion to look behind a little dish on my desk, a dish Ive not moved in over a decade (11.9 years) and found an item Ive not seen in 12 years. An item thats tied emotionally to that very song that came on because of the person (my ex tbh) made the item and introduced me to that song. Quite a bolt of unwanted memories and feelings. 
 

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When I was a kid I wanted nothing more than to be an adult. What kid didnt? I mean eat what you want, stay up all night, no rules (that the kid i was could see). It looked glorious. Well, now? Im 40 and want nothing more (well right now as my allergies try to kill me) than to be that kid again! Ive spent the majority of the last 24 hours sleeping, eaten nothing other than 6 pills (2 alieve and 4 mucinex) and some chocolate milk and dr pepper. I miss the days of when with but a wave (hey i was a kid and this is how it felt lol) of her hand my mom would make a grilled cheese appear along with a rented vhs of either M.A.S.K or Thundercats and what ever bug had me down would be gone. How I miss those days. 
 

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ever identify with lyrics in a song so hard you feel exactly what the character <if its an opera or musical> is saying with the lyrics? For me? Yup. From the Phantom of the Opera in the moments after Christine Daae steals the mask off the Phantom. Well after his outburst of shock/horror:

Stranger than you dreamt it
Can you even dare to look or bear to think of me
>>This loathsome gargoyle who burns in Hell
>>But secretly yearns for Heaven
Secretly, secretly

But, Christine
Fear can turn to love, you'll learn to see
>>To find the man behind the monster
>>This repulsive carcass who seems a beast
>>But secretly dreams of beauty
>>Secretly, secretly
Oh, Christine

that block of lyrics is from again, The Phantom of the Opera <musical, not the book from 1911 by Gaston Leroux> by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber in the song: I Remember / Stranger Than You Dreamt It

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>> annotates the portions Im referring too specifically.

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Am I cursed? Does the universe hate me? Personally? I say yes.

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Would you notice…?

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I wish i knew

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Hiya! @ColdJ is correct. The numbers you see at the bottom of my posts are a personal time/date stamp i add to my posts to better track my posts. The forum gets less specific the older a post is. To read my time stamps the are formatted in Hour:Minute (24 hour format) Month Day Year so: 223704072022 is 1037pm April 07 2022

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With 28 hours 52 minutes left in 2021, heres hoping for a happy and healthy 2022 for us all!

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Well it seems that my PS4 issues have come to a conclusion. My PS4 was beyond salvage, its broken beyond repair, or at least beyond that shop I took it to. We tried moving my hard drive to a donor machine, but it did not work. Seems sony isnt big on right to repair and bricks components while on rigs other than the one they rolled off the line on… shame really. My donor ps4 is chuggin along like a champ. But my PS4 issues had 1 last kick in them. My OG controller from PS4 launch finally gave up. Got a refurbished one at gamestop. Only complaint is that its previous owner seemed to live inside a cologne bottle as it stinks of cheap cologne. Good news is 2-3 or so days and it will flash off. Thats my saga of my ps4. Died on a wednesday and got back up and going this past wednesday. Circular i think.

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Update on my ps4 troublesmore sad news. They are having troubles getting anything to work. The hard drives were swapped but the tech gets only a black screen. He has a few more things hes going to try but this is getting bad. He agrees this should not be this hard. Its a pair of ps4s with similar tech stats so it should work. Is this a case of right to repair being blocked or bad luck? I have my guess. One idea of how to proceed is to revert the swap and see if the donor ps4 is fully operational. If it is he will see if my hard drive survived and try to daisy chain data over. Im honestly losing hope. I wont know until monday how it went. My luck says its going to fail and i cannot bring myself to hope it will succeed. 

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Update on ps4 power issue

sad news. My motherboard has broken pins. Beyond repair.

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In Memoriam: My best friend, brother from another mother. 02-09-1981 - 08-02-03-04-2020 (no one knows if it was the 2nd, 3rd or 4th when he actually passed away as he was alone in his 18 wheeler at a rest stop when he passed away ). I cannot believe it has been a YEAR since he passed away. I am still trying to process it, understand it and accept it. I am struggling even more with the fact that I am older now than he was. His passing has left a giant hole in my life. I miss him more than I can express. A friend-no a brother not of blood but of choice like him comes but once a life time. I am lost with out him. I cannot imagine what his parents or his sister or even his estranged wife must have felt then or now a year on. I ask any who read this a favor. Take a few moments in silence to think either on him or on someone with whom you share such a close bond as he and I shared. Maybe somehow where ever he is he will feel our warm thoughts. 
 

My brother where ever you find yourself in the great beyond, you are missed so much. I will never forget you. <S>
 

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If I knew 1 year ago today what I know right now I would try to change the future. 1 year ago today marks the last time I would ever exchange texts with my best friend, my brother from another mother. We were getting ready for the release of MS Flight Simulator2020. His final word to me came at 4:44 pm 1 year ago today. That word was a reply to my asking when he would be able to help me get a new hard drive installed in my computer. A rig I had him build me. His final word to me was “Possibly”. What I did not know was that my world was less than a week out from being altered in a profound way that almost a year later is still affecting me. No one knows for certain when exactly it happened, but I would learn on August 5, 2020 that he had passed away. I miss him more than words can describe. Whats worse beyond the fact he was 39 or just how sudden it was is that even now nearly a year later I have not yet been able to say a proper good bye to my best friend. Cherish every moment you have with your friends and loved ones. 

My back:  Wanted to wait to see if it was healed, but my back feels as if its mostly healed!

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Yay 1111 rep! Its so symmetrical!

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Just a quick update on my back: I tweaked it early am on Tuesday just walking from my chair in front of my tv headed for a different room. Over the course of the next several days it got worse to a peak midday thursday. Friday and saturday showed signs of improvement. Its now sunday and im about to bed down. Back is healing I think. Hopeful to be fully healed over the course of a few more days. @Spaceman.Spiff Thank you for the well wishes in dnct thread!

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i am so worn out.  3-26-21 marks 2 full weeks that my mother has been in assisted living. I am emotionally worn out. My dog is slowly adjusting to my mother not being in the house. my adjustment to it is coming slower. I have yet to come to complete terms with it. Everything they say about what a person feels when they move a loved one into assisted living is absolutely true. I cannot properly explain the amount of guilt <could I have done more? should I have done more? did putting her there mean I betrayed her?> or the grief that comes along with it. I said before and I mean it: cherish the little things you do with your loved ones. The time will come when you cannot do those things again. Go for a ride with them just because? Watch that silly movie you love to watch with them? Or just being able to hear them or hug them. Cherish it. Cherish it ALL.

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Today marks 6 months since I learned my best friend of 30 years passed away. How did time go this fast? Feels so raw still.

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I get asked every now and again what that string of numbers are at the end of my posts. Some have speculated they are time and date. Those speculations are 100% correct. Its a method for me to keep a more accurate track of my posts. The stamp is coded thus: hours (24hr clock) minutes month day year: 073911082020