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A Thread for Writers to talk about Writing

Mister Dilsby

By Mister Dilsby
in KSP Fan Works

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KSK

KSK

Posted
Posted
22 hours ago, 0111narwhalz said:

I like it. It needs a bit of refinement with the skipping between settings.

Yup. Even something simple, like adding section breaks would help. Like this:

----------

And then start on the next section. Useful when you're jumping around between settings. Or you could be a bit more explicit about it and put a date and location stamp at the start of each setting change. Something like this maybe:

 

...She was going to have to eyeball this, and she only got one shot. She didn’t have a maneuvering unit like him, so if she missed, she would be stuck drifting like him. She lined up, compensated for his motion, and pushed off.

------

New Washington, US Separatist Zone, 2344 AD

James and Jasmine wandered down the street. It was raining...

 

Good start with the story though!  I do have some criticisms (hopefully constructive ones!) and comments if you want them? 

 

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Kosmonaut

Kosmonaut

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, KSK said:

..She was going to have to eyeball this, and she only got one shot. She didn’t have a maneuvering unit like him, so if she missed, she would be stuck drifting like him. She lined up, compensated for his motion, and pushed off.

------

New Washington, US Separatist Zone, 2344 AD

James and Jasmine wandered down the street. It was raining...

 

Good start with the story though!  I do have some criticisms (hopefully constructive ones!) and comments if you want them? 

 

Absolutely! Anything to make the story better! (I'm guessing you live in Washington. I'm from Toronto, so I always imagined it there, but DC is a good setting as well)

Edited by Kosmonaut
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KSK

KSK

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22 hours ago, Kosmonaut said:

Absolutely! Anything to make the story better! (I'm guessing you live in Washington. I'm from Toronto, so I always imagined it there, but DC is a good setting as well)

Heh - I live in Scotland. :) Just threw the New Washington thing in at random as an example of building atmosphere with those little date stamps.

Will post the comments as promised when I get a moment tomorrow. Right now it's midnight, I've been at a conference all day, complete with late running conference dinner and I'm bushed. G'night folks.

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CatastrophicFailure

CatastrophicFailure

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, KSK said:

Heh - I live in Scotland. :) Just threw the New Washington thing in at random as an example of building atmosphere with those little date stamps.

 

Wait, Scotland??

Jiminy Cricket, you must facepalm every time Chadvey Kerman gets a line. :blush:

Also just for the record, no self-respecting Northwest separatist would ever call it "New Washington," its "Cascadia." It's actually a thing here. Facepalm.

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KSK

KSK

Posted
Posted

Reposting this joke here since I figured a bunch of writers might appreciate it. :) 

I got a new thesaurus the other day. I returned it because it was useless. And not only that - but it was useless.

 

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CatastrophicFailure

CatastrophicFailure

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, KSK said:

Reposting this joke here since I figured a bunch of writers might appreciate it. :) 

I got a new thesaurus the other day. I returned it because it was useless. And not only that - but it was useless.

 

YAGpXPd.png

That took me longer than I like to admit. 

Personal favorite:

14805fc83044199c5dc12990cbdd9150.jpg

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CatastrophicFailure

CatastrophicFailure

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, 0111narwhalz said:

Somewhat concerningly, zeblote.com/ksp/namegen now returns a 404. This is highly irritating, as I am just ready to publish a chapter of Kerbal Future, save for one kerbal name.:mad:

I was noticing that too. Looks like we're back to naming Kerbals the old fashioned way. :unsure:

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Kosmonaut

Kosmonaut

Posted
Posted
20 hours ago, KSK said:

Heh - I live in Scotland. :) Just threw the New Washington thing in at random as an example of building atmosphere with those little date stamps.

Will post the comments as promised when I get a moment tomorrow. Right now it's midnight, I've been at a conference all day, complete with late running conference dinner and I'm bushed. G'night folks.

Thanks! And good luck with your job... I can't speak to that kind of experience, but good luck anyways.

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KSK

KSK

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Posted (edited)
On 6 October 2016 at 2:14 AM, Kosmonaut said:

Absolutely! Anything to make the story better! (I'm guessing you live in Washington. I'm from Toronto, so I always imagined it there, but DC is a good setting as well)

Okay then, here we go. 

There were a couple of places, especially the opening paragraph where you put in a lot of detail (especially numberse) that wasn't really doing much. It didn't seem to be adding to the scene you were describing, or setting up a plot point for later. It's something I know I used to do - and probably still do in places. :) For example, the Moho 3 mission from First Flight.

-----------

“Copy, Gene. Roll thrusters performing nominally and I'm seeing zero offset rates on pitch and yaw. Cancelling roll now!"

Wilford fired the anticlockwise roll thrusters, watching the navball and rate indicators closely. As the direction indicator showed him returning to level flight he deftly applied a tiny burst of additional thrust and released the controls.

------------

Who the heck actually cares that Wilford fired the anti-clockwise roll thrusters? I know I don't - and I wrote it. Just 'roll thrusters' would be enough and given that we already know that Wilford was cancelling his roll out, I could probably get away with 'Wilford fired his thrusters...' Likewise with your opening paragraph:

The ship had been floating in darkness for 300 years, slowly rotating to generate artificial gravity. There were no signs of life. The planet loomed closer and closer, until a bright flash of light enveloped the ship as it hit the atmosphere. A shock cone developed around it and flames enveloped the heat shield as it decelerated from its interstellar speeds. This went on for five minutes. Then two days passed. Than it happened again. One day passed. Again. 2 hours. Again. Finally, it was done. The orbit was now at 400 kilometres above the surface. It would orbit every hour now. The star, Corbo, would rise and set 20 times a day.

Personal opinion - I would either build up this paragraph to add drama or, if you want this to be a routine aerocapture, then trim some of the description. Depends how high tech the ship is (only you know that) and whether the aerocapture would actually be routine. At the least, I think you could probably drop the shock cone and the fact that the ship is orbiting every hour now without losing much.

The ship had been floating in darkness for 300 years, slowly rotating to generate artificial gravity. There were no signs of life. The planet loomed closer and closer, until a bright flash of light enveloped the ship as it hit the atmosphere. Flames enveloped the heat shield as the ship decelerated from its interstellar speeds. Two days passed. Then another.  Finally, it was done. The ship orbited at 400 kilometres above the surface, racing from sunrise to sunset 20 times a day.

Something like that anyway. You'll probably have your own (better) ideas for editing. In general look out for places where stuff happens, followed by more stuff, followed by a bit more stuff, then yet more stuff, followed by the actually important thing that you were leading up to. Remember - a story's strength should flow from the...

Ahh - that's Jedi. Never mind.

Next up - show don't tell. It's a hoary old cliche but it's still something to be wary of. For example:

Orbital EVA Specialist Yakovlev pulled himself out of the hatch. His backup, Planetary EVA Specialist Kurisu, waited just inside the hatch. He pushed off into nothing, the ship on one side and the green and pink expanse of Arcadia on the other. He noticed that the atmosphere was orange. That’s odd. It was green in the simulations. There are green clouds, but they aren’t too prominent. He was incredibly good at what he did.

As a quick aside, I really liked that throway comment 'that's odd - it was green in the simulations.' Lovely bit of incidental description combined with a sense of the unknown. Despite all his preparation and training, Yakovlev was not expecting an orange atmosphere. You could probably rework the next sentence a little to make that part of Yakovlev's observations too:

"He noticed that the atmosphere was orange. That’s odd. It was green in the simulations. Clouds are green though. Not too prominent either. Wonder what they're made of."

And that's one example of 'show don't tell'. Show us the scene through one of your character's eyes rather than breaking off to tell us about it. Be careful though - it's easy to overdo this and end up with great blocks of interior monologue.

And yeah - I've done that before as well. Why do you ask? :) 

More importantly though - that last sentence! How do we know that Yavkovlev was incredibly good at what he did? We don't really - we're just taking your word for it because you've told us. It's not easy but it would be a lot more effective if you can show us that competence by the way he handles himself on EVA. 

As @Kuzzter said (possibly in this thread) about a different story - you shouldn't need to tell the reader that Jeb was an ace pilot - it should be obvious from the way he flies his plane.

 

So, in summary. Show don't tell and beware excess description. A bit of polishing and editing with those points in mind and that story could really shine, I reckon. Hope this helped a bit without being too patronising along the way!

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by KSK
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Mister Dilsby

Mister Dilsby

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On 10/5/2016 at 3:21 AM, CatastrophicFailure said:

I'll just leave this here before I forget it. [THIS SENTENCE HAS FIVE WORDS]

Very cool! I thought about this when I was laying out my last update to Jool Odyssey--it also applies to visual work, i.e. "THIS COMIC HAS FOUR PANELS". It's important to mix things up and not tell the story purely linearly like a comic strip. Comics also use layout, sizing and other visual cues to guide the reader's eye and mind. Here's what I was trying to do in the six pages linked here:

  • First Page--Four panels, arranged clockwise and rotating to show the Qwammer flipping upright
  • Second page--Four 'normal' panels, same size and orientation, reading linearly to give readers a break before...
  • Third page--Two map sections, top and bottom, with Bob's panel "breaking into" the flow with new information
  • Fourth page--back to a mostly linear layout. Lisa and Kenlie panel punched up in brightness to show immediately it's in a different location than the Qwammer scenes
  • Fifth page--large vertical panel followed by two progressively smaller panels, getting closer to the object and building up tension until...
  • Sixth page--resolution of the above, with one full-page "splash" image. The kerbals and their "null dialogue" word balloons are dwarfed by the anomaly. Also, cool shadows :) 
     
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Kosmonaut

Kosmonaut

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On 10/7/2016 at 3:54 PM, KSK said:

So, in summary. Show don't tell and beware excess description. A bit of polishing and editing with those points in mind and that story could really shine, I reckon. Hope this helped a bit without being too patronising along the way!

Thank you so much. I have been working on this story for a year now between schoolwork and real work and tasks and responsibilities, and it is my little pet project. I add a bit or edit a bit when I can, and your comments are a huge, huge, huge help. You were not patronizing at all. I will go add these things when I get the chance, and thank you so much.

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  • 3 weeks later...
steuben

steuben

Posted
Posted

One or more of the following: fantastic, horror, cosmic horror, weird, war, hard science, soft science, science-fantastic, epic, comedy, slice of life, romance, thriller, action,  mystery, suspense, and a set of genres forbidden by forum rules. Mix and matches are interesting as well.

Let the likes come to you. Don't chase the likes. That's a rabbit hole you don't want to go down. 'cause soon after, you're talking to royalty, kerbish speaking soliders, insects with nicotine addictions, and rodents... sorry that one got away fromme a bit.

 

 

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TheEpicSquared

TheEpicSquared

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Posted
3 hours ago, The Space Dino said:

What do you guys here think on what stories people would like to read? Because I've been writing a story of my stock career mode, and apart from 2 likes nothing else has happened. Any suggestions?

Update frequently to keep your story on the first page (so more people see it and consequently view it) and wait. It took a while for my story, KSP Megastructures, to be noticed. :) 

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