The Void UPDATE I'm done with this 1/4/17

[Spaceception]

Just now, legoclone09 said:

Ok, didn't catch that. This sounds great, also.

What did you think about the first chapter?

[legoclone09]

8 hours ago, Spaceception said:

What did you think about the first chapter?

Liked it alot.

[Spaceception]

I've been doing a bit of thinking and decided that the post above won't be the first chapter, instead, this was just a taster, (Which you will see traces of later) and the true first chapter will come next week (Which will be much longer), so stay tuned

Edited March 1, 2016 by Spaceception

[meve12]

A quick review:

It's a good first draft. But:

Everything seems very, very compressed. There is almost no description of detail, and events seem to move by faster than I can absorb.

Dialogue, especially in the briefing, seems compressed and disjointed.

There's no real since of character or identity.

Paragraph breaks are in weird places. Some where they shouldn't be, a lack in some places where they should.

What I recommend(all optional):

Think about what everything looks like, in detail.Take notes. Also think over how everyone acts and feels, in detail, and take notes on this. This may sound like you're not entirely in control of the character's actions-this is a good thing.

Break down the first paragraph into three parts: The bedroom, the corridor to the mess hall, and the mess hall itself.

Dr.Jone's message should be organized, parred down a bit, and padded with what actions we can see him doing on the screen. We don't really need to know just how many people died in the Mexican Civil War, say, just mention that event in passing. Likewise, we didn't really need the comparison to Middle Ages to get that the remaining survivors are holding out for a nonexistent miracle. Here, less is more.

 

Also: I recommend you read 'Writing Magic: Creating Stories That Fly' by Cail Levone. It's geared for younger people, but it's full of good advice on writing fiction.

 

 

 

 

[Atlas2342]

I think your first chapter should be the black hole entering the oort cloud and scientists find unusual activity about it.....though it depends on you

[PB666]

19 hours ago, Spaceception said:

All of those are already books

Yup

I forgot to put in my last post, criticism is welcome wen I start writing chapters.

The year is ____ (Around the 2020s, I haven't set a firm date yet), and scientists discover something unusual within the Oort cloud, a black hole, heading straight for the inner solar system, traveling at several hundred kph, they don't know how it got there with no one noticing, but shortly after the discovery, the worlds space programs decide to unite to build a spacecraft capable of saving humanity by launching it to a nearby star, and colonizing one of its planets, they have less than a few decades to build an launch it before the black hole enters the solar system, so they need to work fast, but everyone is asking the same question; will humanity go extinct?

How about Star Kracked I have a whole bunch of great titles unfortunately the mostly violated the CoC.

[Spaceception]

8 hours ago, Atlas2342 said:

I think your first chapter should be the black hole entering the oort cloud and scientists find unusual activity about it.....though it depends on you

Um..... That's EXACTLY what I intended.

[Atlas2342]

Just now, Spaceception said:

Um..... That's EXACTLY what I intended.

Just probably use fancy scientific words and it would be awesome to write it in the third person

[Spaceception]

10 hours ago, meve12 said:

A quick review:

It's a good first draft. But:

Everything seems very, very compressed. There is almost no description of detail, and events seem to move by faster than I can absorb.

Dialogue, especially in the briefing, seems compressed and disjointed.

There's no real since of character or identity.

Paragraph breaks are in weird places. Some where they shouldn't be, a lack in some places where they should.

What I recommend(all optional):

Think about what everything looks like, in detail.Take notes. Also think over how everyone acts and feels, in detail, and take notes on this. This may sound like you're not entirely in control of the character's actions-this is a good thing.

Break down the first paragraph into three parts: The bedroom, the corridor to the mess hall, and the mess hall itself.

Dr.Jone's message should be organized, parred down a bit, and padded with what actions we can see him doing on the screen. We don't really need to know just how many people died in the Mexican Civil War, say, just mention that event in passing. Likewise, we didn't really need the comparison to Middle Ages to get that the remaining survivors are holding out for a nonexistent miracle. Here, less is more.

 

Also: I recommend you read 'Writing Magic: Creating Stories That Fly' by Cail Levone. It's geared for younger people, but it's full of good advice on writing fiction.

Thanks Yeah, I kinda regret writing that so quickly, and making it so fast paced.

[Atlas2342]

1 hour ago, Spaceception said:

Thanks Yeah, I kinda regret writing that so quickly, and making it so fast paced.

Just don't rush writing it. Take your time 

[TopHeavy11]

My name for ship: U.S.S Constable (because it sound cool and serious at the same time. Not many words can accomplish that.)

[Spaceception]

57 minutes ago, TopHeavy11 said:

My name for ship: U.S.S Constable (because it sound cool and serious at the same time. Not many words can accomplish that.)

Hmm, I'll take that into consideration

[Spaceception]

On 2/6/2016 at 8:44 PM, Rakaydos said:

Put me in for a gas giant habitable moon. You gain the benifits of a supermassive magnetic field from the giant, and stave off small-star tidal locking by locking to the giant instead.

I put a dwarf gas giant in, with one moon, but it's well outside of the HZ

Btw, everyone, I updated the system to have 5 planets (In order: hot desert, warm terra, cool ice world, dwarf ice giant, and frozen ice world), and 1 moon (cold ice world.

Working on the first chapter now.

[Spaceception]

Hey everyone, I'm making good progress on the first chapter, expect it in 2-5 days, depending if I get writers block

[Findthepin1]

Would you mind if I attempted to fix the grammatical errors in the mini-sort-of-chapter on page 5 of this thread? I'm good at catching this kind of thing.

Edited March 3, 2016 by Findthepin1

[Spaceception]

8 hours ago, Findthepin1 said:

Would you mind if I attempted to fix the grammatical errors in the mini-sort-of-chapter on page 5 of this thread? I'm good at catching this kind of thing.

No, I don't mind, I'm not a grammar expert, so expect more of those as the book goes on

[Findthepin1]

28 minutes ago, Spaceception said:

No, I don't mind, I'm not a grammar expert, so expect more of those as the book goes on

Here it is. I suppose if there will be more grammatical errors as the book goes on, I will keep helping to fix them.

I divided the paragraphs and sentences up a bit, that was mostly it.

Spoiler

"Wake up, wake up!" "Urgh," Damien groans as he wakes up. "What?" he asks. "Earth just sent us a message for the first time in over a year!" Damien's wife Eve exclaims. Damien's eyes shoot open. "Alright, I'm up," he sits up, puts on his shoes, and he's out the door, up towards the mess hall. Less than a minute later, he reaches the mess hall. "Hello", he says to Patrick, who has his arms crossed, and is facing the screen opposite to him. "Hello, how are you? Apparently, the message is regarding the climate back on Earth, and a few other things," Damien is about to reply when the lights dim, and the screens light up.

"Hello, crew," Dr. Jones says. "It's been awhile since we updated you about Earth, and it's bad, the latest models say we'll be thrown into an orbit closer than Venus', and the Moon will collide with Earth. We recently announced this to the world, and suicide rates have shot up dramatically, the UN is now distributing lethal doses of morphine and other drugs, while people are killing themselves, either by shooting themselves, overdosing, etc. One woman injected carbon monoxide inside her home, killing several dozen, including herself. I walk outside, and I see bodies laying every few kilometres. When I look up, I can see the gravitational distortion the black hole makes. Not to mention the civil war Mexico has had for the past 11 months, the world's population has dropped from its peak of 7.2 billion to less than 60 million, with most of those remaining thinking they can wait it out." He laughed bitterly for a few seconds before continuing, "If they think they can survive over 3300°C temperatures, they're crazy to me, they're like those flat Earthers, nonsense, no IQ people who live in the middle ages. When the Moon hits Earth in 8 years, anything still living will be vaporized, period. Oh, and did I mention everything beyond Saturn will become a rogue object, and that the Sun will be flung towards the center of the galaxy? You guys are humanity's last hope, by the time you reach Barnard's Star in 40 years, we'll be long dead. Ad astra to you all and good luck."

The screen goes blank, and everyone goes silent for a good ten minutes before Commander Erin steps up; "Okay, you've all heard Dr. Jones, all life on Earth will die in less than a decade, so it is our mission to ensure humanity doesn't go extinct, we still have 40-odd years until we reach our destination, so let's not kill ourselves between now and then." She gives them a small smile and continued, "Alright everyone, let's eat breakfast, then give our daily reports." Everyone lines up to get breakfast, slightly sweetened oatmeal, and coffee. Some of the crew jokes that the first thing they'll do when they get to New Terra is begin growing coffee beans.

After breakfast, Erin jumps up to the podium, an easy task in .77 g, and calls upon Jackson, the lead propulsion engineer. "How's the sail doing?" She asks,"Will it be good to go in the deceleration phase?" "Yes," Jackson replies, "The sail couldn't be in better condition." He says. "What about the engine?" Erin asks. Jackson replies, "Well, dust hits it very little, but a tiny meteorite, 1 cm wide, struck the engine a few days ago, but we fixed it during an EVA, so it's all good now" Jackson finishes. Erin says, "Alright, Jesse, how's the hull plating doing"? "Great", she says, "Like Jackson said, dust hits it a little, but no meteorites have hit it yet, at least, none we have recorded; the engineers on Earth did a great job in building the hull," she finishes, Erin adds, "Okay, the engine and hull are doing great as Jackson and Jesse have said, but what about the fusion reactors, Sasha?" Sash replies, "The reactors are doing great, no recorded problems as of yet." "Will they hold up during the next 30-odd years?" Sasha replies, "Yes, all the reactors are internal, so they're well protected from dust. I don't expect problems to arise between here and Barnard, but this is humanity's first true interstellar mission, so who knows?" "Alright, so far, so good," Erin said, "Sam, how's life support?" "Well," Sam started, "We're still alive and drinking coffee, right"? Everyone laughs for a few seconds, until Erin quiets them down, then Sam starts again, "Life support is doing great, hydroponics, water purification, oxygen processor, waste management, all doing great," he says. "Alright, it seems everything is still in prime condition, so I guess we can all do our own things now," Erin finished. Most people walk out to their rooms, but some stay to play games, watch T.V. or read on the digital screens. Damien walks out towards the sims so he could practice piloting maneuvers for when they glided down to the surface of New Terra. He stays in the sim for 3 hours until the mandated exercise period.

2 hours later...

Damien walks out of the exercise room, panting, and heads to the shower room to wash up, then goes to his room to read. 4 hours later, he walks towards the mess hall for dinner, stroganoff with rolls. During dinner, he plays blackjack with a few fellow crew members, and continues for a few hours. "Hey," Eve says, "How are you doing?" "Good," Damien replies, "How's the baby?" Damien asks. "Well, Steve said that he'll be due in about a month, but he's kicking, anyway I can't wait 'til he's born. For one thing, I won't have these hunger spells anymore," Eve sighs. "You know, I'm tired, I'm going to head off to bed." Eve smiled, and walks away to their room. About an hour later, Damien calls it a night, and walks to his room. Before he drifts off to sleep, he thinks to himself:

Will humanity survive?

 

Edited March 3, 2016 by Findthepin1

[Spaceception]

3 minutes ago, Findthepin1 said:

Here it is. I suppose if there will be more grammatical errors as the book goes on, I will keep helping to fix them.

I divided the paragraphs and sentences up a bit, that was mostly it.

  Reveal hidden contents

"Wake up, wake up!" "Urgh," Damien groans as he wakes up. "What?" he asks. "Earth just sent us a message for the first time in over a year!" Damien's wife Eve exclaims. Damien's eyes shoot open. "Alright, I'm up," he sits up, puts on his shoes, and he's out the door, up towards the mess hall. Less than a minute later, he reaches the mess hall. "Hello", he says to Patrick, who has his arms crossed, and is facing the screen opposite to him. "Hello, how are you? Apparently, the message is regarding the climate back on Earth, and a few other things," Damien is about to reply when the lights dim, and the screens light up.

"Hello, crew," Dr. Jones says. "It's been awhile since we updated you about Earth, and it's bad, the latest models say we'll be thrown into an orbit closer than Venus', and the Moon will collide with Earth. We recently announced this to the world, and suicide rates have shot up dramatically, the UN is now distributing lethal doses of morphine and other drugs, while people are killing themselves, either by shooting themselves, overdosing, etc. One woman injected carbon monoxide inside her home, killing several dozen, including herself. I walk outside, and I see bodies laying every few kilometres. When I look up, I can see the gravitational distortion the black hole makes. Not to mention the civil war Mexico has had for the past 11 months, the world's population has dropped from its peak of 7.2 billion to less than 60 million, with most of those remaining thinking they can wait it out." He laughed bitterly for a few seconds before continuing, "If they think they can survive over 3300°C temperatures, they're crazy to me, they're like those flat Earthers, nonsense, no IQ people who live in the middle ages. When the Moon hits Earth in 8 years, anything still living will be vaporized, period. Oh, and did I mention everything beyond Saturn will become a rogue object, and that the Sun will be flung towards the center of the galaxy? You guys are humanity's last hope, by the time you reach Barnard's Star in 40 years, we'll be long dead. Ad astra to you all and good luck."

The screen goes blank, and everyone goes silent for a good ten minutes before Commander Erin steps up; "Okay, you've all heard Dr. Jones, all life on Earth will die in less than a decade, so it is our mission to ensure humanity doesn't go extinct, we still have 40-odd years until we reach our destination, so let's not kill ourselves between now and then." She gives them a small smile and continued, "Alright everyone, let's eat breakfast, then give our daily reports." Everyone lines up to get breakfast, slightly sweetened oatmeal, and coffee. Some of the crew jokes that the first thing they'll do when they get to New Terra is begin growing coffee beans.

After breakfast, Erin jumps up to the podium, an easy task in .77 g, and calls upon Jackson, the lead propulsion engineer. "How's the sail doing?" She asks,"Will it be good to go in the deceleration phase?" "Yes," Jackson replies, "The sail couldn't be in better condition." He says. "What about the engine?" Erin asks. Jackson replies, "Well, dust hits it very little, but a tiny meteorite, 1 cm wide, struck the engine a few days ago, but we fixed it during an EVA, so it's all good now" Jackson finishes. Erin says, "Alright, Jesse, how's the hull plating doing"? "Great", she says, "Like Jackson said, dust hits it a little, but no meteorites have hit it yet, at least, none we have recorded; the engineers on Earth did a great job in building the hull," she finishes, Erin adds, "Okay, the engine and hull are doing great as Jackson and Jesse have said, but what about the fusion reactors, Sasha?" Sash replies, "The reactors are doing great, no recorded problems as of yet." "Will they hold up during the next 30-odd years?" Sasha replies, "Yes, all the reactors are internal, so they're well protected from dust. I don't expect problems to arise between here and Barnard, but this is humanity's first true interstellar mission, so who knows?" "Alright, so far, so good," Erin said, "Sam, how's life support?" "Well," Sam started, "We're still alive and drinking coffee, right"? Everyone laughs for a few seconds, until Erin quiets them down, then Sam starts again, "Life support is doing great, hydroponics, water purification, oxygen processor, waste management, all doing great," he says. "Alright, it seems everything is still in prime condition, so I guess we can all do our own things now," Erin finished. Most people walk out to their rooms, but some stay to play games, watch T.V. or read on the digital screens. Damien walks out towards the sims so he could practice piloting maneuvers for when they glided down to the surface of New Terra. He stays in the sim for 3 hours until the mandated exercise period.

2 hours later...

Damien walks out of the exercise room, panting, and heads to the shower room to wash up, then goes to his room to read. 4 hours later, he walks towards the mess hall for dinner, stroganoff with rolls. During dinner, he plays blackjack with a few fellow crew members, and continues for a few hours. "Hey," Eve says, "How are you doing?" "Good," Damien replies, "How's the baby?" Damien asks. "Well, Steve said that he'll be due in about a month, but he's kicking, anyway I can't wait 'til he's born. For one thing, I won't have these hunger spells anymore," Eve sighs. "You know, I'm tired, I'm going to head off to bed." Eve smiled, and walks away to their room. About an hour later, Damien calls it a night, and walks to his room. Before he drifts off to sleep, he thinks to himself:

Will humanity survive?

 

Alright, could I PM you with chapters you could proofread? I'll do my best to keep errors at a minimum. You can also be my beta-tester

[Bill Phil]

I could potentially help you out as well, @Spaceception

[Spaceception]

Just now, Bill Phil said:

I could potentially help you out as well, @Spaceception

Okay, I'll PM both of you

[Bill Phil]

Thanks.

The more people looking for errors, the more likely they'll all be found.

[Spaceception]

@Atlas2342!! Wanna join the editing party?

[Atlas2342]

5 minutes ago, Spaceception said:

@Atlas2342!! Wanna join the editing party?

Sure! Anything for a good read! 

[Spaceception]

10 minutes ago, Atlas2342 said:

Sure! Anything for a good read! 

Alright

@Bill Phil @Findthepin1

I'll try to PM all of you in a couple of days.

[astrokerb]

@Spaceception Your book is coming along nicely! The plot makes plenty of sense, the characters seem like they're likeable, and the science is realistic. 

Although, as a part-time political scientist, I must ask: are there any politics other than the Mexican Civil war? 

Edited March 4, 2016 by astrokerb