Into the Snarkiverse

[jimmymcgoochie]

Gene: So Wernher, how are the rovers doing?

Wernher: ...

Gene: Ground Control to Doctor von Kerman?

Wernher: ...huh? Sorry, I was a bit (glances over at Linus who's watching from across the room) distracted.

Gene: The rovers. 

Wernher: Ah yes, the rovers. Well, mostly fine.

Gene: Define "mostly".

Wernher: Well...

Morty: Anything else broken besides the wheel?

Wernher: No, just the wheel.

Morty: Good, we'll get more money for it that way.

Gene: How about the Dres rover?

Wernher: Found a smaller canyon further along from the big one we landed that probe in, now it's off looking for the rest of the science it can find.

Gene: Minmus?

Wernher: Found all the biomes, got all the data it could. It's in hibernation mode now, though the parts could still be useful for a later mission.

Gene: The Mun rover?

Wernher: Pranged a wheel but otherwise working fine, currently driving across the Mun to find the last of the craters biomes.

Gene: And the other Kerbin rovers.

Wernher: Well, Amphibious Rover 4 reached Crater Island, and sure enough there was an old launchsite out there just like Linus said...

Linus: Had to drive away a bit and come back before the locator thing kicked in stupid autopilot spawning too close again...

Gene: Huh?

Wernher: *visible panic*

Linus: Turned the jets on to try and go uphill, but it must've hit a bump or something because, well...

Morty: You spent how long making it cross that ocean, just to crash it right next to the launchpad where you could have had it returned for a full refund!?

Linus: Sorry, I'm just a fallible carbon-based lifeform like everyone else.

Morty: *confused blinking*

Wernher: *slowly backs away*

Jeb: AHOY THERE MOON THIEF! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST STEAL OUR LITTLE MINTY MOON WITHOUT ANY-

Gene: Volume, Jeb! Turn it down!

Jeb: How about this?

Gene: Keep going.

Jeb: Now?

Gene: Yep, that's good.

Jeb: So we're here at Dres.

Here's me doing the first EVA around another celestial body in a Kerbol-centric orbit (chew on that, Val! ):

Gene: You remember the part where we all said "Don't look right at the sun with your helmet visor up or you'll go blind"?

Jeb: It was only for a couple of seconds so I could get a photo. Big deal.

Linus: How can he do emojis on a voice channel?

Wernher: *runs away*

Jeb: And here's me doing that stupid spinny flange thing "for science!" or something whatever...

Bill: *sheepish* Hi, everyone...

Gene: What's up, Bill?

Bill: Well, you know when we ran the calculations to make sure that Jeb and Sanlan could come back from Dres?

Gene: Uh oh...

Bill: The calculations were all fine, but somewhere along the way they must have tripped the switch that activates fuel crossfeed across the docking ports because the CSM has been draining the lander's fuel tanks as well as its own. There's enough fuel left to land on Dres and Minmus with the lander, or to come back to Kerbin with the CSM, but not both.

Jeb: Probably Sanlan's fault, flailing around trying to escape that teeny little spider.

Sanlan: It was a really big spider OK? And I wasn't expecting it because WE'RE IN SPACE!

Bill: So what do we do?

Gus: Maybe if Morty finally coughs up the funds, we can upgrade R&D and they can figure out how to pump fuel between the tanks.

Morty: ...fine.

Gus: Sweet! *leaves*

*sounds of heavy construction equipment starting up*

Bill: Hey Bob, any ideas on how to not strand Jeb on Dres?

Bob: Sorry, I'm busy looking after these sample probes.

Bill: Hey, we could steal fuel from those!

Bob: Not very easily- there's no docking port on either of the sampler craft and the transfer stage is methalox.

Linus: We could transfer fuel from the probes to the crew lander if they landed really close together, but the CSM will need a lot more than that to get back with all those samples on board.

Gene: What about a refuelling mission?

Morty: Did you not see me handing over literally all our funds to Gus to upgrade R&D literally two seconds ago?

Gene: It was more like thirty seconds, but I take your point. What's their supply situation.

Val: Two hundred days of everything important, they'll last for half a year easily. Assuming they don't both get space madness and start venting it all into space.

Sanlan: ...s-s-s-space madness?

Jeb: Pah, space madness is nothing to be afraid of. I have it and I'm completely normal.

Sanlan: eek

Gene: So the plan is, put the fuel in the lander, land the probes, land the lander beside the probes, steal fuel from the probes, then send the lander back to the CSM and hope there's enough fuel left at the end of all that to come back?

Val: Sounds fine to me.

Bill: And me.

Bob: They'll be able to get rid of the weight of those deployed science arrays once they've landed. I recommend we get Sanlan to rip off any unnecessary weight from the ship anyway, every kilogram of excess weight will cost them delta-V.

Jeb: I feel attacked by that last statement...

Val: You should, Jebe-diet.

Jeb: Hey!

Walt: Sorry I'm late, this stupid hazmat suit is really awkward to walk around the KSC in.

Val: Too bad, a bet's a bet.

Walt: I'm never touching Linus' homebrew booze again... So what have I missed?

Bob: Well, see, the thing is... We may have just stranded Jeb and Sanlan out at Dres.

Walt: You. What... *eye twitch*

Jeb: Just say there was a bug in the system, which is mostly accurate- just don't say what type of bug and people will think it's a computer failure instead of Sanlan freaking out at a miniscule spider-

Sanlan: Why did I agree to go on this mission?

*loud crashing noise from outside*

Gus: DOOBURRY, FOR THE LAST TIME YOU ARE NOT FORKLIFT QUALIFIED! THAT'S COMING OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECK!

Spoiler

Full album: https://imgur.com/a/aqaJGXP

Sanlan: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! IT'S BACK!

Jeb: Shh, you'll scare Sammy.

Sanlan: I'LL SCARE HIM!?!?

*docking port hatch slams shut*

Jeb: Rude.

Sammy (the spider): I know, right?

Jeb: AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[Kerminator K-100]

On 7/26/2021 at 5:45 PM, jimmymcgoochie said:

Spoiler

At this point I couldn't be bothered to actually fly all the other tourism contracts using the same craft and doing the same flight in each, so I calculated the funds gained from the contracts, subtracted launch costs and just cheated the whole thing done. I'm only doing them for the money anyway and I have better things to do with my time than repeat the same boring flight over and over again.

 

Thats what I do with tourist contracts. I really don't care about the 80th kerbal who wants to go to orbit.

[jimmymcgoochie]

Walt (in press conference): This latest launch will deploy a prototype supply craft and send it over to Dres to rendezvous with the Dres Express currently in orbit there.

Journalist: So they're stranded?

Walt: No, they're not. This is a routine test flight of a technology demonstrator to establish the requirements for future supply runs to the most obvious candidate for a more permanent interplanetary station or base.

Journalist: They're stranded though, right?

Walt: They're not stranded, shipwrecked or otherwise stuck around Dres in any way, shape or form, OK!? They have plenty of supplies and plenty of fuel to get back.

Journalist: Then why is it called "Drescue 1"?

Walt: Ha ha! Those engineers and their terrible puns, eh?

Journalist: But-

Walt: NO MORE QUESTIONS!

Walt wasn't the only one dealing with awkward questions...

Linus: How on Kerbin did that happen!?

Bob: What's up, Linus?

Bob: Yeah, that looks wrong to me too.

Linus: It's like the relay dish forgot it was set to deploy axially and is now deploying radially instead.

Bob: So it's deploying the wrong way?

Linus: No, it's deploying to where it was retracted before and retracting down so it lifts the wheels off the ground.

Bob: Weird. When did that happen?

Linus: I think it started happening when I fired that "fix broken parts" cheat button.

Bob: *bemused blinking*

Linus: Er, I mean when it came ashore and I tried to switch the autopilot from "sea" to "land" mode.

Bob: Maybe you should take a break, the solution might come to you.

*five minutes later*

Linus: I just can't figure out how-

Linus: Whaaaaa-? How?

Bob: Oh, hey, Linus. So I drove that rover over the hill there and look what I found!

Bob: Weird thing though, we still haven't received that message like with the other old launchsites we've found. Maybe it'll just take a while?

Linus: ...maybe? It should have worked that time because we were outside of physics range and drove up to it properly.

*ping*

Bob: Ooh, my cookies are done! *runs off*

Linus: I thought that was the doorbell?

*some time later*

Gene: Look, the deal is simple. Go out, stick one part on the satellite, come back. No random reassembling of the satellite once the contract is done, got it?

Liszon: Sure.

Gene: Good.

Liszon: Found it!

Gene: Now remember- just stick the reaction wheel on it and then leave it alone.

Liszon: Boop!

Gene: Good, now come on back-

Liszon: Look, I have a space sombrero!

Gene: *facepalm* That would have been a useful high orbit relay if you had just left it alone like I told you to!

Liszon: But now it's ART!

Gene: If you land on the wrong side of Kerbin, you're paying your own fare back.

Liszon: I actually am landing on the wrong side of Kerbin... But you were joking, right?

silence

Liszon: Right?

 

It's Probe Time again!

Dres sample probe: 8/10. Lost points for nearly crashing into/landing on a steep hill and for the engine on the transfer stage exploding while on a suborbital trajectory, but gathered all its science and found a reasonably flat bit to land on. Should be easy for the crewed lander to land nearby to retrieve those samples.

Minmus sample probe: 11/10. Landed on the flattest terrain possible, with a great view and loads of fuel left over which the crewed lander can take to refuel the Dres Express CSM. Lost a point for doing the transfer burn near apoapsis, which was most of the way out towards Minmus to start with.

Drescue 1: 4/10, just because its arrival meant that the lander had to be undocked and Sanlan got a bit carried away and decided to land it, leaving a confused Jeb in the capsule watching his lander flying off without him.

 

Gene: SANLAN! It was supposed to be JEB landing on Dres, not you!

Sanlan: Well, I've been locked in this lander can for the last three days because of that stupid spider and when you told me to undock I panicked a little bit and just did the first thing that came into my head.

Gene: ...well, I must admit your landing was spot-on.

Sanlan: You know, for all that everyone keeps hating on Dres, right now it looks kinda pretty...

Wernher: OK, enough sightseeing. You've got samples to gather, experiments to run and that deployed science cluster to set up. Time is of the essence here.

Sanlan: I've got like an hour before the orbiter comes back, chill.

*later*

Sanlan: Hi Jeb, I'm baaaack! Now move that stupid supply thingy out the way so I can dock the lander.

Jeb: ...

Sanlan: Aww, c'mon, don't be like that. I even apologised to you on the flag plaque.

Spoiler

Jeb: ...fine.

Sanlan: And now I'll just deorbit that thing and crash it into Dres.

Jeb: WAIT! Sammy's still on that ship!

Sanlan: Oops, too late...

Jeb: 

*some time later*

Jeb: Hey look, it's Minmus!

Sanlan: Yes, Jeb, it's Minmus. We've been heading towards it for the last day and a half now.

Jeb: Hey, what's that over there?

Sanlan: Huh? I don't see-*thwack*

Jeb: MY LANDER! MY EVA PACK! ALL MINE! Mwahahahaha!

Gene: ...

Jeb: Watch and learn, suckers!

Jeb: SCIENCE! BOOM!

Jeb: PRECISION LANDING! BOOM!

Val: There's about 6% gravity out there-

Jeb: THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT!

Jeb: FLAG PLANTED! BOOM!

Spoiler

No sign of space madness here...

Sanlan: Ow, my head! Did you hit me with that flange from the experiments kit or something?

Jeb: MORE SCIENCE! BOOM!

Sanlan: That's not how you set that up-

Jeb: You don't like how I'm doing it? Why don't you COME DOWN HERE AND DO IT YOURSELF THEN!?

Sanlan: Because you left your own jetpack at home and stole mine, and because I'm in the ship that'll take us home again, and because unlike you I'm not having some kind of space madness induced breakdown?

Jeb: I DON'T HAVE SPACE MADNESS! ISN'T THAT RIGHT SAMMY?

Sanlan: Sammy's dead!

Sammy: *whispers right beside Sanlan's ear* That's what you think...

Sanlan: WHAT THE-!

Gene: Cut the feed!

*connection terminated*

Spoiler

Full album: https://imgur.com/a/MsbHpua

[jimmymcgoochie]

Gene: OK, that's it. No more faffing about, get that ship back to Kerbin ASAP. Jeb, move it!

Jeb: Bah, you're no fun.

Gene: What's the fuel situation, Sanlan?

Sanlan: We have enough fuel to get back in just 30 days and capture into LKO afterwards, but not much more.

Wernher: Fill up every tank on that lander that doesn't hold rocket fuel- we can use it again for the next mission and it'll give you a little bit more delta-V.

Sanlan: Okey dokey.

Sanlan: Bye Dres! Bye Minmus!

Jeb: ETA to Kerbin, 22 days; ETA to capture burn, 29 days. Shame we used up all the nitrogen, we'll just have to sit in these suits and stew in our own juices all that time.

Sanlan: Ewww...

*the next day, in Gene's office*

Gervin: You wanted to see me?

Gene: Ah, Gervin. Take a seat.

Gervin: What's this about?

Gene: You remember where we found you?

Gervin: I try not to think about-

Gene: Alone, trapped in a tiny tin can, floating helplessly around Kerbin with just millimetres of material separating you from the cold, black, endless void of hard vacuum.

Gervin: *starts crying* stop!

Gene: You don't want to go back there, do you?

Gervin: Nonononono!

Gene: Good. Because you're up for the next satellite repair mission and if you so much as think about "borrowing" some parts off of that satellite...

Gervin: OK, OK, I get the point 

Gene: Excellent. Off you go then.

And not a single part went missing from the satellite. How strange...

*knock on the door*

Gene: Bill, Bob, do come in.

Bob: So we've been thinking.

Gene: Oh boy...

Bill: It's not really the best time to be doing this and the planets are in the wrong places, but if we get the timing just right we can get a probe over to Eve and into orbit and throw a lander at the atmosphere.

Bob: We put the best relay dishes we've got on it so it'll be beneficial to other missions in the future as well. Just think of the science we could get from an orbiter/lander mission!

Bill: And we'd finally find out if Eve gained or lost any moons during The Anomaly.

Gene: What's this going to cost?

Bob: Er, well...

Gene: That's... not as much as I was thinking.

Bob: It does help that we can recover all these boosters.

Bill: Yeah, definitely. I don't know exactly what Linus' recovery system does but I can't argue with the results. At the rate he's going, by this time next year Wernher will be his intern.

Gene: Ah, hello, Wernher. What's up?

Wernher: Well, it's... *looks around nervously* It's Linus.

Gene: What about him?

Wernher: He's been acting, well... strange lately.

Gene: Define "strange".

Wernher: You recall last week when Amphibious Rover 2 found that abandoned facility on that island in the south? How Linus was practically beside himself because there was no launchpad there?

Gene: Yes, that was a bit weird.

Wernher: Well, this morning we took another look at that rover and would you believe it, there was a launchpad! Looks like it's been there as long as all the other buildings too.

Wernher: Linus seemed to be absolutely furious when we showed him that image but none of us could understand why. He set the other remaining Amphibious Rover to drive off across the badlands and into some mountains for no discernible reason at all then stormed off in a tremendous huff.

Gene: He's probably just overstressed from all the work that's being going on here lately. We should give the team a day off once Jeb and Sanlan are back and out of quarantine.

Wernher: Speaking of which- we've got the return craft ready to pick them and their samples up when they arrive in orbit and bring them back down to the surface.

Jeb: AHOY THERE KERBLINGS!

Gene: Jeb! Volume down!

Jeb: OK, OK, sheesh... We're back in orbit and I'm pretty sure I paid for the orbit to surface transfer service. Pretty sure Sanlan didn't though.

Sanlan: Hiiiiii Kerbin! *giggle*

Wernher: Taxi for Jeb and Sanlan, coming right up. Literally.

Gene: And not a moment too soon either. Definitely need to pack more nitrogen for future missions, spending that long in a spacesuit is clearly not good for the crew's mental state.

Bob: Remember the samples!

Jeb: Yeah, yeah, sciencey stuff moved to the sciencey box.

Bill: Remember to top up the tanks on the Dres Express as much as you can, there's plenty of resources in that return craft that'll be useful for it.

Sanlan: No problemo, Sammy.

Bill: Who's Sammy?

Jeb: OK, we're coming down now.

Sanlan: Whoops, should have kept more fuel. We're overshooting.

Gene: How badly?

Jeb: 65km straight up.

Gene: Oh...

Bobak: Scramble the recovery crews, but tell them to prep the hazmat teams too- that capsule is going to be ripe...

Sanlan: Is it just me or does the capsule look happy to be back too?

Jeb: I don't get it.

Sanlan: Because the solar panels look like arms and it's going "Woo! I'm back!"

Jeb: ...nope.

Sanlan: You agree with me, don't you Sammy? Sammy!?

Jeb: Wait, where's Sammy gone!?

Sanlan: Was he ever there at all? Was he even real? Are any of us real!?

Gene: OK, that's enough existential dread for one afternoon. What's the status of the samples?

Wernher: *drooling*

Bob: So. Much. SCIENCE!

Linus:  They didn't even look for AN-6. What's the point in going all the way out there to not even bother looking? *storms off*

Gene: Yeah, there's definitely something strange about Linus.

Bob: Agreed.

Bill: Totally.

Bobak: So that's not how he acts normally?

Spoiler

Full album: https://imgur.com/a/UQulBiM

Gus: Seriously, is NOBODY going to comment on the fact that we just upgraded the Spaceplane Hangar and the runway in record time?

Gene: Whaaa- when did that happen?

Bill: Our cunning plan is coming together nicely, Robert.

Bob: Now all we need is that 2.5 metre fairing and Project Kronus will be complete, William.

Bill: Nobody will expect-

Val: The Spanish Inquisition?

Bill, Bob: *blank stares*

Val: What, am I the only one around here who speaks meme?

[Admiral Fluffy]

15 minutes ago, jimmymcgoochie said:

Sammy

Was Sammy ever real?

[Kapitalizing Every Word]

14 hours ago, Admiral Fluffy said:

Was Sammy ever real?

I hope so

[Vagrant203]

Sammy will always be in their hearts heads.

[Kapitalizing Every Word]

30 minutes ago, Vagrant203 said:

Sammy will always be in their hearts heads.

I hope no it won't be good to have the head full of spiders 

just think how will they get in and it is already disturbing 

[jimmymcgoochie]

Sanlan: *runs through the VAB wearing nothing but a hospital gown, trailing an IV stand behind her* We're all in a simulation, I tell you! Nothing is real!

Val: *shoots Sanlan with a tranquiliser dart from the rafters*

Gene: How did you get so good with a tranquiliser gun, Val?

Val: Easy- I grew up with Jeb.

Gene: Ah. That explains it.

Gus: Can we get her out of here? The crawler's about to come in and move this rocket to the launch pad and she's in the way.

Val: I'll get the legs, you get the arms.

Gene: What's this rocket for exactly?

Bobak: Scanning satellite for Kerbin. Visual, SAR and resource scanners and an orbital survey scanner with a BEEP experiment on it.

Gene: A beep experiment?

Bobak: No, not beep, BEEP. It's an acronym, but don't ask me what it stands for.

Gene: What does it- never mind.

Mortimer: I've got contracts stacking up here for that satellite, you'd better hurry up and finish some of the others off so we can accept these before the satellite maps too much of the surface.

Gene: Why can't we just accept them now?

Mortimer: Mission Control needs upgraded. Something about Health and Safety I think? Take it up with the union.

Bobak: We have a union?

Wernher: Did you all like that scanning satellite? Because we're about to launch two more quite like it to Dres and Minmus.

Bob: I've never seen a rocket that orange before- at least not one that's in one piece and not exploding.

Wernher: All cryo engines for minimum weight and maximum delta-V, though it's a bit more expensive than a conventional design.

Mortimer: I'm still standing right here, you know, I can hear what you're saying.

Wernher: Hey, most of the cost will come back when the booster stages get recovered. We even put separation motors on them to push them back down into the atmosphere.

Bill: So, uh, bad news- those boosters aren't coming back down. One of them managed to actually go higher with those separation motors and the other is just stuck skimming the upper atmosphere.

Wernher: So fire the engine-

Bill: We tried, it blew up.

Mortimer: *sad accountant noises*

Linus: *bursts into the room with a slightly deranged grin* HAHA! I KNEW IT!

Gene: Knew what, Linus?

Gene: It's... some kind of sculpture?

Bobak: Modern art installation?

Bill: I don't get it.

Linus: GAAAAH! You're all useless! *storms off again*

Bob: Bill, it's ready.

Bill: At last! Everyone, please join us as we unveil the fruits of our labour.

Bob: The culmination of many Kerbal-hours of research, design and modelling.

Bill: A design that we definitely didn't steal off the internet.

Bob: Project Kronus.

Mortimer: I don't even want to know how much that thing costs.

Bob: About a hundred thousand funds in total, not counting the several hundred thousand needed to start producing all those parts-

Mortimer: *faints*

Bill: But it's worth it!

Val: Wow, that was loud. How many engines-

Bill: Nine engines, with afterburners.

Bob: And no, you can't fly it- it's entirely autonomous.

Val: Bah.

Bob: Once in space, the fairing opens and the payload is released.

Val: You totally stole fuel out of that big tank though.

Bill: Hey, it's a prototype! You don't expect everything to work perfectly on the first try, do you? Besides, this was a bit heavier than the normal payload weight for this thing, we wanted to really test it out.

Gene: What's the 'normal payload weight'?

Bob: About 20 tons per flight.

Bobak: And what about after the payload is released?

Val: Getting a little bit hot there Bob, you might want to slow down a bit.

Bob: You might be the pilot here, Val, but I'm flying this one. Now shut up and let me concentrate.

Val: Since when did you become so bossy?

Bobak: I can see it out the window!

Bill: So, what do you all think?

Bob: Just bear in mind that that flight from the moment of MECO was entirely gliding- I didn't use the jets at all on the way down, just controlled the rate of descent with the pitch controls.

Val: A spaceplane that can take 20 tons to orbit and back, that you can fly while sitting in a comfy chair on the ground eating popcorn? I'm totally on board with that.

Gene: I'm impressed- 20 tons is more than we've been launching so far, with a bit of refinement to fix the ascent profile this could be an absolute game-changer.

Mortimer: *recovers from fainting* Woah, you flew it back to the runway?

Bob: Yup, so now we can give it a check over and most likely fit another payload to it. The only costs we'll have now are for fuel and fairing panels, so while it's a bit expensive in the short term, it'll pay for itself several times over in the long term.

Mortimer: ...all right, I will admit that the long term benefits do outweigh the costs of developing it- but don't forget, I agreed to upgrade the hangar and runway just for this project too and those weren't cheap! I want a cost analysis comparing this thing to a conventional rocket-

Bob: Like this one? *produces a glossy brochure prepared for exactly this occasion*

Mortimer: *reads with increasingly wide eyes* That much!? *faints again*

Bill: I think he's on board.

Linus: *bursts into the room again with a totally demented grin* PROOF! Proof you ignorant oiks never even bothered to look for!

Gene: Wha-?

Bob: That's going to need a bit more than T-Cut and polish.

Linus: *snatches brochure and smacks Bob over the head with it* You fool! Can't you see what this means!? This is incontrovertible proof that-

Val: *shoots Linus with tranquiliser dart* Oh, put a sock in it Linus.

Gene: I'd say 'space madness' but he hasn't even gone to space. Still, better move him in with Jeb and Sanlan for everyone's safety.

*some days later*

What time is it? Probe time!

Dres Super-scanner: 9/10. Worked pretty much exactly as intended, though target orbit was changed from 250km to 195km to allow the orbital survey experiment to complete, however this does mean that some scanners aren't working optimally so will need to raise its orbit in a while to fix that; the BEEP experiment needs to be in space low which is much lower (50km?) and will need another orbital change after that, though there's plenty of fuel left for all that. Inclined orbit might be a problem for scanning the poles as some scanners need daylight to function.

Minmus Super-scanner: 4/10. Required a course correction when entering Dres' SOI which was poorly executed, then another correction to try and capture into a 195km polar orbit for scanning and surveying. Transfer stage "Hecate" engine failed during the final capture burn meaning it had to rely on its own engine to complete the capture, severely limiting its delta-V as there was still plenty left in the transfer stage when it failed. Very slow spin rate should mitigate against the narrow field of view from operating at sub-optimal altitude, however inclined orbits of both Dres and Minmus could make scanning the poles rather challenging.

Resupply mission, launched by the Kronus experimental spaceplane, unnamed: 8/10. Initial rendezvous delayed by the transfer burn occurring at the same time as the Minmus Super-scanner's course correction which took priority. Lack of reaction wheels meant the RCS had to be used for attitude control, however very little monopropellant was expended during the rendezvous and docking and the Dres Express is now fully provisioned for its next voyage.

Spoiler

Full album: https://imgur.com/a/s3DWhwc

Linus: *groggily* Where am I? What happened?

Jeb: Look, Sammy! It's Linus! What are you doing in here?

Sanlan: You're not real either! It's all just a big simulation!

Jeb: Like the Matrix? Cool!

Linus: Your flimsy walls cannot hold me! I shall find them all, and when I do The Great One shall richly reward me-*thwhack* ow... *thud*

Jeb: That wasn't very nice.

Sanlan: What? He was being noisy during nap time.

Jeb: A nap sounds nice.  *immediate snoring*

But as the space-mad trio doze, nobody sees the shadowy figure watching through the one-way mirror, smiling in the darkness...

Edited August 11, 2021 by jimmymcgoochie

[Jeb_Needs_A_Parachute]

@jimmymcgoochie, will your graphics card going kaput affect your writing of 

?

Just wondering.

[jimmymcgoochie]

I was a little bit worried there for a while- the game just wasn't loading and threw exceptions any time I tried. In the end I just made a completely new copy of KSP 1.12.1, installed the same mods and copied the save over and it worked perfectly fine, the old copy must have broken somehow doing mod updates. Crisis averted and this story can continue!

18 hours ago, Jeb_Needs_A_Parachute said:

@jimmymcgoochie, will your graphics card going kaput affect your writing of 

?

Just wondering.

No, but Audacity is definitely on the back burner for now. I have a good idea of where I want the story to go, but how to get there is a lot less clear and might take a while. Also I now have a shiny new GPU which is why the screenshots suddenly started looking a lot better and why I'm throwing more mods like DOE into this game- but still no EVE or scatterer.

[Kapitalizing Every Word]

5 hours ago, jimmymcgoochie said:

I was a little bit worried there for a while- the game just wasn't loading and threw exceptions any time I tried. In the end I just made a completely new copy of KSP 1.12.1, installed the same mods and copied the save over and it worked perfectly fine, the old copy must have broken somehow doing mod updates. Crisis averted and this story can continue!

No, but Audacity is definitely on the back burner for now. I have a good idea of where I want the story to go, but how to get there is a lot less clear and might take a while. Also I now have a shiny new GPU which is why the screenshots suddenly started looking a lot better and why I'm throwing more mods like DOE into this game- but still no EVE or scatterer.

just wondering why no EVE or scatterer? is it your new GPU a temporal replace better than the one used on snarkiverse or you simply don't want to use the mods?

[jimmymcgoochie]

9 hours ago, Kapitalizing Every Word said:

just wondering why no EVE or scatterer? is it your new GPU a temporal replace better than the one used on snarkiverse or you simply don't want to use the mods?

New GPU is exactly the same as old GPU so it could easily handle the load, but I started without any graphics mods and sticking them in part way through would just look odd and wouldn’t fit with the story.

[Maria Sirona]

Will Audacity still continue? I absolutely love both it and this. Cheers!

 

[Kapitalizing Every Word]

5 hours ago, jimmymcgoochie said:

New GPU is exactly the same as old GPU so it could easily handle the load, but I started without any graphics mods and sticking them in part way through would just look odd and wouldn’t fit with the story.

oh I see and it is a pretty good decision keep up the great work!

[jimmymcgoochie]

Mortimer: Excuse me, but why is there a bill here from a seed wholesaler for half a ton of kale seeds?

Bob: It's for the greenhouse.

Morty: Greenhouse? What greenhouse?

Bob: I'm glad you asked...

Morty: A space greenhouse? Why?

Bob: Because it would be beneficial to grow food in space instead of having to ship it all out from Kerbin, because plants are a natural scrubber and will turn waste products into usable food, and because there's a contract for it.

Morty: Why didn't you lead with that?

Bob: Oh, and the first and second stages of the booster were both recovered intact so the total launch cost was much lower than usual.

Morty: *approving noises*

Bill: And if you thought that was good, watch this!

Morty: What's that grey thing?

Bob: Reference payload, just a couple of fuel tanks and stuff.

Morty: What on Kerbin for!?

Bob: Calibrating the automated systems so we can automate payload launching in the future using the same flight profile.

Bob: Hmm, someone's been mucking about with the control systems, I can't seem to get the wheel steering to work.

Morty: Forget that, what does all this mean for the budget?

Bill: Results are in- total payload capacity 20.6 tons, total cost a smidge under 4500 funds so 221 funds per ton, maximum orbital altitude 91km.

Morty: 221 funds per ton!? 

Bob: OK, second payload attached and we're ready for the transport run.

Val: YOINK! *steals Bob's chair at the control desk*

Bob: Hey! 

Val: I like this seat, nice and comfy. What does this button- *automated drinks dispenser system activates* WOAH! This is awesome!

Morty: Looks expensive 

Bob: 221 funds per ton.

Morty: ...fine.

Val: Now this is one hot bird!

Bill: Take it easy there Val, you don't want to overheat it or something might break.

Val: Quit your whining, nothing's gonna *fzzt* *instant flat spin* ENGINE FAILURE!

Bob, Bill, Morty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!

Val: Got it Dangit, plane, are you trying to make me look bad or something?

Bob, Bill, Morty: -AAAAaaaaaaa..? It's not exploding?

Val: Your faith in my piloting skills is palpable... OK, payload away and coming home.

Morty: Hang on- did you just dump 18 tons of rocket fuel into the upper atmosphere?

Val: *shrug* I dunno, I just hit the "release payload" button and the computer did the rest.

Morty: Why didn't you keep it and just bring it back!?

Bob: It doesn't work like that.

Bill: You need to get rid of the weight so the system can fly the descent properly, otherwise it wouldn't work.

Val: Runway in sight.

Bob: Little bit to the left-

Val: *shushing gesture* You didn't like it when I tried to back-seat pilot you and I'm an actual pilot.

Bill: That's you told 

Val: Touchdown? How'd I do?

Bill: 17.5 tons to a 92km orbit, 8900 funds per flight, 509 funds per ton.

Bob: Pathetic.

Val: Engine failure, remember?

Bob: Because you overheated it during the ascent!

Val: Did not!

Bob: Did too!

Val: Did not not not-

Bob: Did too too too-

you get the idea...

Morty: *mutters* Accountant? Try babysitter...

Spoiler

Full album: https://imgur.com/a/buma0AA

Bob: Ow! Stop poking me!

Val: You poked me first! *poke*

Bob: *poke poke poke*-

Val: *poke poke poke*-

Morty: *mutters* I can't believe I have to do this...

Val, Bob: *pokepokepokepokepoke*-

Morty: Who wants a cookie?

Val, Bob, Bill: COOKIES! 

Morty: Too bad, I don't have any-

Val: *poke*

Morty: Hey! Don't poke me!

Val, Bob, Bill: *pokepokepokepoke*

Morty: Aaagh! HELP!

Morty runs out of Mission Control with Val, Bob and Bill in hot pursuit.

[jimmymcgoochie]

Gene: What are you doing, Bob?

Bob: Moving that so-called "station" we launched for that contract.

Gene: Why?

Bob: To dock it to the new one.

Gene: What new station???

Bob: That one. We call it Azimuth Space Station.

*plane noises*

Gene: What was that?

Bill: Just sending up a docking adapter and the crew for the station.

Gene: ...did you just send crew up in that plane?

Bill: Yes.

Gene: With no escape systems?

Bill: ...they had parachutes?

Bill: Crew are docked, how's that extra module coming Bob?

Bob: Docking adapter is attached, just need to connect everything up now and...

Bill: Huh, that's annoying.

Gene: What?

Bill: The batteries aren't charging up as much as we'd hoped so they keep running out when the station's on the dark side of Kerbin.

Bob: Can't we just send up some more solar panels?

Bill: You read my mind

Wernher: Hey guys? Look at this.

Val: ...it's a tree? Wooooow!

Wernher: It's a tree in the sea! Doesn't anyone see how that's weird?

Jeb: You sound like Linus.

Everyone: *GASP*

Jeb: What? The doctors let me out this morning, as long as I keep taking my medicine. They said Sanlan'll be out soon too once she stops crying about how Sammy ran away.

Jeb: Hey, I can see my house from there!

Val: I'll tranq you again, don't think I won't.

Jeb: No, I mean I can literally see the KSC, it's right above the rover's comms dish.

Val: Wha- oh yeah, so it is. What's that rover doing?

Bob: Contract to scan a Baobab tree, though why they couldn't just do that themselves is beyond me.

Val: Who's driving the rover?

Bob: Bill?

Bill: Bob?

Jeb: Tree!

*crash*

Val: You did say "scan" the tree, not "ram" it, right?

Val: Yeah, just shoot lasers at it too, why not.

Jeb: Poor tree, sitting there minding its own business, the only thing for miles around and you run straight into it.

Morty: When you're all finished worrying about a tree, can you do something about this contract to recover a part from Kerbin orbit? And while you're at it get rid of that stupid fuel tank you left up there with that "calibration run"?

Gene: Good idea, you can use the tank as a test for whatever design you come up with.

Bob: Got it! Hopefully it'll stay pointing in the right direction on the way down.

Bill: Uh oh...

*EXPLOSIONS!*

Morty:  All those funds, up in smoke.

Jeb: Much explode! So wow!

Val: I knew someone else around here would speak meme!

Bobak: Hang on a minute- what about that Moho probe?

Gene: Moho probe?

Bob: Ah, yes. That.

Bill: We were so busy worrying about the trajectory...

Bob: And staging all the extra boosters...

Bill: We completely forgot about the publicity shots.

Bob: We can get some when we're going past Moho, nobody will even notice.

Spoiler

Full album: https://imgur.com/a/CQw4s4o

Jeb: So what did I miss while I was gone?

Val: We invented a new game called "Poke Morty Until He Pukes".

Morty: not again! *runs*

Val: Yeah, he runs away to make it more challenging, but that just makes it more fun.

Jeb: Sounds fun! *runs after Morty*

Val: Not the eyes, Jeb!

[Admiral Fluffy]

Maybe if Morty gave them cookies they would stop.

This is a great mission report.

[jimmymcgoochie]

Bill: What...?

Bob: How..?

Gus: I'm no expert, but that looks wrong even to me.

Val: I count three sets of dishes. Maybe it's a software glitch?

Bob: We should call the tech support guy in to take a look at it.

Gene: We have a tech support guy?

Bill: I think it's- oh.

Gene: What?

Bill: It's Linus. He's the tech support guy.

Gene: Definitely not a good idea to show him this- he's been acting increasingly erratic lately and this could push him over the edge.

Linus: What? Have you found another anomaly? WHERE IS IT!?

*frantic button mashing*

Bob: Hey look! That part grabber probe has grabbed its part!

Bob: It should be coming down about... *distant whoosh* a long way off the coast again. Grabbed it a bit too late and did the re-entry burn too late, whoops.

Mortimer: *enters wielding cattle prod* If any of you little miscreants try to poke me again... *zap zap* I'll poke you right back- with this!

Jeb: Oooh, DANGER Poke Morty Until He Pukes!

Gene: *sigh* This place is turning into a circus... What's up, Mortimer?

Mortimer: Contract to do a SAR scan of the Mun. Put a visual scanner on it too, there's another contract waiting that we're not allowed to accept yet because insert legal mumbo-jumbo here. *glances down at notes* Probably should have proof-read that first before coming over here. Whatever.

Bill: Shouldn't be too difficult.

Gus: I'll prep the crawler.

*Bill, Bob and Gus leave*

Val: Hey folks up on Space Station Azimuth, want a greenhouse?

Space Station Azimuth crew: ...

Val: Too bad, you're getting one anyway.

SSA crew: *oof* *ouch* *ow!*

Val: Yeah, you might want to hold on to something while I'm firing the RCS thrusters.

Val: Ta-da! Enjoy your new plant friends!

SSA crew: OK the plants are quite nice actually...

Wernher: *bursts into the room* You're not going to believe this!

Linus: Hi "boss".

Wernher: Gaah! Who let him in here?!

Gene: Circus. I'm the ringmaster and everyone else is a clown. Except Jeb, he's more of a kerman kannonball.

Wernher: So I took it upon myself to build a probe to explore Jool.

Gene: Right...

Wernher: And then I sent it into orbit using that spaceplane thingy.

Gene: Right...

Mortimer: Why does nobody ever tell me they're building big, expensive space missions until after they've already spent the money?

Wernher: And then after the transfer burn was done I was plotting a course correction when I found something extraordinary:

Val: Triple gravity assist? Sweeeeeeet!

Wernher: *slightly smug* Indeed- flybys of Tylo, Vall and Laythe with one single correction burn and a potential easy capture into Laythe orbit too. I may have overdone it a bit with the fuel on this mission, considering it has over 6200m/s of delta-V left and will use about 300 of that for the course correction, but that just means more fuel to really explore Jool.

Jeb: What's that grey thing?

Linus: *scream* Not the bees! *faints*

Wernher: ...anyway, the answer is I have no idea. Sentinel 1 must have detected the moons of Jool and picked that thing up- but didn't find any trace of Bop or Pol. They may have moved, or merged, or maybe that's another planet entirely like Moho or Eeloo. This mission should be able to shed some light on the matter when it arrives.

*rocket noises*

Wernher: What was that?

Mortimer: Sounds expensive 

Bob: Rocket plane!

Wernher: Why?

Bob: That new atmospheric fluid thingumajig, we haven't tried it yet so why not with a rocket plane?

Val: That's a terrible idea.

Bob: Why?

Val: Your engine is puny so you'll slow down; your wings are tiny so as you slow down, you'll lose altitude; and when you lose altitude the engine loses thrust and you lose even more speed.

Jeb: And then the engine burns too long and fails.

Jeb: Just like that.

Bob: Parachutes away. Bah, I thought that would work.

Bill: Just stick a jet engine on it like a normal person.

Bill: See, much better! More thrust, more speed...

Bob: More science!

Bob: OK, maybe a bit too much speed, we've lost the signal because it's throwing off too much shock plasma.

Val: How are you planning to land that thing?

Bob: Uh, the parachutes?

Val: Good- for a moment there I thought you'd try to land it like a plane and end up splattering it across the terrain.

Bob: Ha ha, like I'd try that, nope, never gonna happen, no siree. 

Val:  Sure...

Jeb: Hey, I can see your plane from here!

Bob: And then I just roll it along to the runway and the ground crews can pick it up with all the lovely science in it. Simple!

Spoiler

Full album: https://imgur.com/a/tke0hfl

Wernher: Only twelve days until Sunshot 3 arrives at Duna, but already we're getting some very early images from the probe's onboard camera and something looks different.

Gene: Different how?

Wernher: You all remember how before The Anomaly, Duna and its moon Ike were mutually tidally locked?

Bob: Yeah, so?

Wernher: Well, it appears that Duna now has two moons!

Everyone: *gasp*

Wernher: And even more incredibly, neither of them is Ike!

Everyone *GASP!*

[Kapitalizing Every Word]

Man I already want the next part this is AMAZING

[Maria Sirona]

Lovely

[jimmymcgoochie]

I made a low mod count copy of this save and tried to run it on an old potato laptop. 35 minutes of loading later, it reached the main menu and...

Crashed. 

Looks like this series is on pause until next week then.

[Maria Sirona]

[jimmymcgoochie]

Hello and welcome to Talking Over Each Other, the best panel debate show on TV! Guaranteed to make the auto-subtitles glitch out, every time!

Joining us this week:

- Vice-Premier Samantha P Kerman, everyone's favourite deputy leader of Kerbin's world government;

- Director Eugene F Kerman, everyone's favourite leader of the Kerbal Space Program;

- Captain Alexei Ogorodnikov, everyone's favourite cameo in the wrong mission report;

- Senpai Tegun B Kerman, everyone's favourite eco-cult-thingy representative who was supposed to be on the news half an hour ago but turned up late so ended up on here instead;

- and last, but by no* means least, Larry N Kerman, everyone's favourite* tinfoil hat-wearing conspiracy theorist. 

Now please welcome your host- Kerboooooooooooooooooooooo*gasp*oooooooooo Keeeeeeeermaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn!!!*cough*anyone got a throat lozenge?

Kerbo: Hello everyone! It's great to be here for another episode of Talking Over Each Other, the show that puts a bunch of people together to argue about stuff and ignore each other's opinions completely. If you haven't guessed already, tonight's theme is The Anomaly, the great cataclysm that shook all of Kerbin- indeed all of the kerbolar system- fifty years ago today.

Larry: Lies!

Kerbo: OI! Red light on, guests stay silent. Capisce?

Larry: ...fine.

Kerbo: Tonight you're going to hear five very different takes on those events, hopefully all at the same time, but first each guest gets ten seconds to make their case. Random selector, select randomly!

*blinding spotlights flashing in the guests' faces*

Kerbo: Larry, you're up first!

Larry: Gah, my eyes! And what's with the asterisks in my introduction?

*klaxon*

Kerbo: Time's up! Random selector!

*more blinding spotlights*

Kerbo: Tegun, your turn!

Tegun: *shuffles notes* well, er, um, we, that is... *squints at notes* I think it's-

*klaxon*

Kerbo: Time! Random selector!

*strobe party*

Kerbo: VP Sammy, you're up!

Samantha: I had to leave that memorial service early, sit in traffic for an hour and a half and skip two meals, for this!?

*klaxon*

Kerbo: TIME! RANDOM SELECTOR!

*much flash, so wow*

Kerbo: Alexei!

Alexei: And I thought 12 kilotons of rocket powered by 19 pentaborane engines was crazy...

*klaxon*

Kerbo: TIME! NEXT!

*only one person left, so why not strobe the lights in their face?*

Kerbo: Looking at you, Gene! (heh heh, get it? Eugene?)

Gene: We launched a space station to the Mun today.

*klaxon*

Kerbo: Woah, hold up a minute. Did you say space station to the Mun?

Gene: Uh, yes.

Larry: Lies!

Samantha: That wasn't in the last budget statement!

Gene: The Azimuth Space Station wasn't as expensive as we originally thought and we managed to reuse a few existing modules already in orbit, so there was enough left over to launch the Mun station.

Kerbo: Got any pictures?

Gene: Why yes, yes I do...

Gene: Station and propulsion systems were launched separately due to size and mass constraints on the launch system, but that also means the station is more modular and can be extended in the future.

Gene: We sent the station out fully provisioned but with no crew on board. This was the first use of the "Harrier" methalox rocket engine and it performed flawlessly throughout the mission.

Gene: And less than twelve hours after the first launch, the station was parked in an equatorial orbit of the Mun. Once that was in position we sent up the crew, led by the first Kerbal to walk on the Mun, Commander Valentina Kerman.

Larry: Lies! The Mun landings were faked!

Tegun: Well then why did they bother with the whole "engine exploded" thing?

Gene: A couple of days later, the crew arrived at the station, however they had to remotely activate the station's external lights to dock safely as the docking occurred in the dark.

Alexei: As is right and proper.

Gene: Seriously, what's with that? Why is docking in the dark "right and proper"? Where's that coming from!?

Larry: It's a conspiracy!

Tegun: It's a message from beyond the fourth wall!

Larry: They're planting trees on Duna!

Tegun: They're planting flags to contain the Kraken!

Larry: It's the Kerbulans!

Tegun: It's the Magic Boulders!

Kerbo: Clicky clicker, click!

Samantha: So many references getting mangled right now...

Tegun: That's it!

*throws herself at Larry*

Larry: Aaaugh! Not the face!

Tegun: Fine!

Larry: Aaaugh! Not there either!

*audience participation time!*

*massive brawl erupts in the studio*

Kerbo: And that's all we have time for tonight! *dodges flying brick* We'll be back again tomorrow, same time, same channel, for another episode of Talking Over Each Other! Bye for now!

*massive strobe party, because it wasn't chaotic enough with the mass brawl and all*

Spoiler

Full album: https://imgur.com/a/jIS84f0

Alexei woke up suddenly, heart pounding. He pulled back the curtain and looked out into the sky above Cape Canaveral, sighing in relief as he spotted the familiar- and very much not gigantic- crescent moon hanging in the sky overhead, casting a weak glow over the Kennedy Space Centre. Whatever that crazy dream was, with the bizarre planetary orbits, the anarchic TV show and the bewildering yet oddly familiar string of references, it was all over now. In fact the memory of it was already fading. Just a dream...

Right?

 

While in the Kerbal Space Centre's medical centre, Linus suddenly sat bolt upright, exclaimed "Of course!", then collapsed senseless to the floor.

Edited August 25, 2021 by jimmymcgoochie

[Spaceman.Spiff]

7 minutes ago, jimmymcgoochie said:

Of course!"

I hope he isn’t thinking about that Pentaborane comment from Alexei…..