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Bad joke time...

XOIIO

By XOIIO
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r4pt0r

r4pt0r

Posted
Posted

So a scientist has been analizing classic compositions, the works of Mozart, Beethoven, and Bach. breaking down patterns and the notes and everything.

well one of his aids enters the lab and notices it smells awful

"excuse me sir, but what is that terrible smell" the aide says.

the scientist turns to his aide and responds "oh im sorry, ive just been de-composing"

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Red Iron Crown

Red Iron Crown

Posted
Posted

Eve and Jason are physiotherapists at the same clinic. One of Eve's patients is a star athlete with a hip injury. While using an exercise machine, he complains that it chafes his skin and makes him itch. Not wanting to upset this high profile client, she decides to consult Jason about how to make him more comfortable.

"Eve," he says, "Just cover the parts that touch his skin with vinyl, that will reduce the irritation."

After the clinic closes, Eve scours the facility looking for some scraps of vinyl, but the only thing with that material she can find is the waiting room furniture. Desperate to be ready for the athlete's appointment the next morning, she cuts strips of vinyl from the chairs and puts them on the exercise machine.

The next morning as she is treating him, Jason arrives at the clinic and sees the damage done to the furniture in the waiting room. He finds Eve in the treatment area.

"Eve," he demands, "What did you do to the waiting room chairs?!"

She points to the newly equipped machine and says, "Jase. The vinyl's from there. These are the few itches of the star's hip exercise."

Where's my coat? Ah, there it is. I'll show myself out.

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kelmv

kelmv

Posted
Posted

Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

Not so much a joke, but with all of the Chem-related jokes I'll toss this in:

Little Timmy was a chemist

but little Timmy is no more

for what little Timmy thought was H2O

was H2SO4

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Disiuze

Disiuze

Posted
Posted

Friend: Knock Knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: I'm not gonna tell you.

Friend: Knock Knock.

Friend: Knock. Knock.

Me: No, stay out.

Friend: But i'm already inside, because how else could we talk?

Me: o_O

Friend: O_o

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Javster

Javster

Posted
Posted
Friend: Knock Knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: I'm not gonna tell you.

Friend: Knock Knock.

Friend: Knock. Knock.

Me: No, stay out.

Friend: But i'm already inside, because how else could we talk?

Me: o_O

Friend: O_o

Knock knock

The door's open, you can let yourself in!

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Kinglet

Kinglet

Posted
Posted
So a scientist has been analizing classic compositions, the works of Mozart, Beethoven, and Bach. breaking down patterns and the notes and everything.

well one of his aids enters the lab and notices it smells awful

"excuse me sir, but what is that terrible smell" the aide says.

the scientist turns to his aide and responds "oh im sorry, ive just been de-composing"

And don't forget to mention that he was ANALIZING the compositions. ._.

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EdFred

EdFred

Posted
Posted (edited)

What's soft, brown, and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven's *last* movement.

A "story" my grandfather used to recite.

AB, C D B's ?

L, M R No B's!

O S A R D B's

O, I C D B's.

A hydrogen ion walks into a bar, bartender asks "Are you here by yourself?"

"Yep, I'm positive."

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? How they pronounce "unionized"

Chemisty: Instead of cussing lately, I just yell out "992619!"

One I like to throw at people just to see their reaction:

Me: "Hey I know a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it."

Them: "Knock Knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Then they stand there for a little bit confused...

And one that worked better with "real phones" where there was a dial tone when I wanted to end a conversation.

"OK, got a joke for you, but I've got to go right after it. What has a tiny [insert vulgar term for male genetalia here] and hang down?....a bat.

What has a huge [term from above] and hangs up?"

*Dial tone*

Unfortunately with cell phones it just goes silent and the person on the other end is wondering if it lost connection.

Edited by EdFred
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AlexinTokyo

AlexinTokyo

Posted
Posted

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Barman, I'd like a ... ... beer."

The barman says, "OK, but why the big pause?"

A new prisoner is assigned to cell block six. After dinner that evening, the dozen or so prisoners from the block are sitting around chatting before lights out.

Suddenly one of the prisoners calls out, "27," and they all (except the new guy) fall about laughing. One of the others responds, "31," and the laughter redoubles.

The new guy, totally confused by this, turns to his neighbour and asks, "What's going on?"

"Well, we're all lifers here, and we've all been inside for a long time already."

"OK"

"Everyone knows all the jokes, you see, so we just gave them numbers."

"You mean, I can just call out a number, and everyone will laugh at the joke I made?"

"Sure. Just give it a try."

So the new guy clears his throat and calls out, "15!" Nothing happens; total silence. So he tries again; "24!" Again, no one laughs.

So he turns back to his neighbour and asks, "Are those ones just not funny?"

His neighbour looks at him and replies, "Nah, they're good ones, you just can't tell 'em right."

There once was a Kerbal named Skite,

Who would travel faster than light,

He left home one day,

In a relative way,

And returned on the previous night.

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theend3r

theend3r

Posted
Posted

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".

The Biologist: "They have reproduced".

The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

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