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A Joke Thread - Funny, Not So Funny, Just Jokes!

MightyDarkStar

By MightyDarkStar
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p1t1o

p1t1o

Posted
Posted

Two of my favorite groaners:

 

3 oranges on a shelf - which one is the odd one out?

The one on the left, because it can't drive a tractor.

 

2 fish in a tank.

1 of them shouts "HOW DO YOU DRIVE THIS THING!?"

The other responds "OMG! A TALKING FISH!!"

 

Yup.

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Spaceception

Spaceception

Posted
Posted
On 12/29/2015 at 8:26 AM, FishInferno said:

I have a couple "Shaggy dog" jokes, they aren't really enjoyable to read, but use them on your friends for a good reaction.

The first goes like so:

 

One day, a little girl was in art class, and the teacher told them to draw whatever they want and then share it to the rest of the class.  The girl decided to draw a picture of purple flowers, and when it came her turn to present, she stood up and showed everyone her picture.  Suddenly horrified, the teacher asked "What is that a picture of?" 

"Purple flowers." the girl replied.

"How dare you say such things!?  You must go down to the principal's office right now!"

Confused, the girl did as she was told and went to the principal's office. When she got there, the principal asked "Little girl, why were you sent here?"

"I got in trouble for saying 'purple flowers', but I don't understand why that's bad!" she said.

"Young lady, at this school we strive to maintain a respectful attitude, and we simply cannot have people like you polluting us with this fowl language.  You are hereby expelled from this school." The principal slammed the door as the girl left.

More than a little puzzled, the girl went home to find her mother sewing.  "Why are you home so early, dear?" her mom asked.

"I'm confused, mom.  I got expelled from school just for saying purple flowers! Why could it be so bad to say purple flowers?!"

Distraught, her mother stammered "How could you do this to us, where has my parenting failed? Go to your room right now until your father gets home!"

Now a little teary-eyed, the girl sat in her room, awaiting her fate at the hands of her dad.  When he hot home, he came to her room and asked "What seems to be the matter?"

"I said purple flowers, but can you at least tell me why that's a bad thing?!"

Brushing her plea aside, her father stood up and said "Missy, I am afraid that you are no longer welcome in this household.  You are not living with us any longer.  Pack your things and leave!"

Some time later, the little girl made her way down the street, crying her heart out.  What could be so bad to get you kicked out of your family?  A man walked by, and saw her upset.

"Where are your parents, little girl?"

"I got kicked out of home for saying purple flowers." She managed between sobs.

"I am afraid we cannot have people like you in this country." came the aggravated response. "Come on, I'll put you on a plane to South America."

A few hours later, she was on board the plane, flying away from her home.  A flight attendant saw her upset state and asked "What's the matter?"

"I got deported JUST FOR SAYING PURPLE FLOWERS!!!!" she shouted in anger.

"Well then, I am afraid you will have to leave this plane.  Here is a parachute, the door is this way."

As many of you know, in order to fly to South America, you must fly over Mexico.  So the girl parachutes down and lands in a Mexican town.  A woman approached the girl and asked "Why are you so upset, young one?"

"I got sent to the principals office, expelled from school, sent to my room, kicked out of the house, deported, and then thrown off a plane, all for saying purple flowers!  Whats so bad about purple flowers!?"

The woman took the girl's hand and pointed across the street to an old house.  "Go to that fortune teller, and she will tell you why it is bad to say purple flowers"

The girl thanked the woman and started making her way across the street, but BAM! she got hit by a bus.  Moral of the story: Look both ways before you cross the street.

 

I have two more if you want, but they take a while to type and I'm lazy XD

I've heard another version of that, except it was a boy, and about strawberry's.

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Andem

Andem

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Spaceception said:

I've heard another version of that, except it was a boy, and about strawberry's.

Potatoes. Except he didn't get hit by a bus. It proceeds until the UN shot him into space and he got hit by the ISS. I had nerdy friends in high school...

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EnderKid2

EnderKid2

Posted
Posted
On December 29, 2015 at 8:26 AM, FishInferno said:

I have a couple "Shaggy dog" jokes, they aren't really enjoyable to read, but use them on your friends for a good reaction.

The first goes like so:

 

One day, a little girl was in art class, and the teacher told them to draw whatever they want and then share it to the rest of the class.  The girl decided to draw a picture of purple flowers, and when it came her turn to present, she stood up and showed everyone her picture.  Suddenly horrified, the teacher asked "What is that a picture of?" 

"Purple flowers." the girl replied.

"How dare you say such things!?  You must go down to the principal's office right now!"

Confused, the girl did as she was told and went to the principal's office. When she got there, the principal asked "Little girl, why were you sent here?"

"I got in trouble for saying 'purple flowers', but I don't understand why that's bad!" she said.

"Young lady, at this school we strive to maintain a respectful attitude, and we simply cannot have people like you polluting us with this fowl language.  You are hereby expelled from this school." The principal slammed the door as the girl left.

More than a little puzzled, the girl went home to find her mother sewing.  "Why are you home so early, dear?" her mom asked.

"I'm confused, mom.  I got expelled from school just for saying purple flowers! Why could it be so bad to say purple flowers?!"

Distraught, her mother stammered "How could you do this to us, where has my parenting failed? Go to your room right now until your father gets home!"

Now a little teary-eyed, the girl sat in her room, awaiting her fate at the hands of her dad.  When he hot home, he came to her room and asked "What seems to be the matter?"

"I said purple flowers, but can you at least tell me why that's a bad thing?!"

Brushing her plea aside, her father stood up and said "Missy, I am afraid that you are no longer welcome in this household.  You are not living with us any longer.  Pack your things and leave!"

Some time later, the little girl made her way down the street, crying her heart out.  What could be so bad to get you kicked out of your family?  A man walked by, and saw her upset.

"Where are your parents, little girl?"

"I got kicked out of home for saying purple flowers." She managed between sobs.

"I am afraid we cannot have people like you in this country." came the aggravated response. "Come on, I'll put you on a plane to South America."

A few hours later, she was on board the plane, flying away from her home.  A flight attendant saw her upset state and asked "What's the matter?"

"I got deported JUST FOR SAYING PURPLE FLOWERS!!!!" she shouted in anger.

"Well then, I am afraid you will have to leave this plane.  Here is a parachute, the door is this way."

As many of you know, in order to fly to South America, you must fly over Mexico.  So the girl parachutes down and lands in a Mexican town.  A woman approached the girl and asked "Why are you so upset, young one?"

"I got sent to the principals office, expelled from school, sent to my room, kicked out of the house, deported, and then thrown off a plane, all for saying purple flowers!  Whats so bad about purple flowers!?"

The woman took the girl's hand and pointed across the street to an old house.  "Go to that fortune teller, and she will tell you why it is bad to say purple flowers"

The girl thanked the woman and started making her way across the street, but BAM! she got hit by a bus.  Moral of the story: Look both ways before you cross the street.

 

I have two more if you want, but they take a while to type and I'm lazy XD

I do not understand.

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  • 2 weeks later...
WinkAllKerb''

WinkAllKerb''

Posted
Posted (edited)

my favorite not so favorite joke is related to my real name and historical nickname my school mate gave to me: V. V. aka W

http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/

funny not so funny, if not dumb & dumber

http :// ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTIzNDI5MTc0M15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwMjM5NDU5._V1_UY268_CR7,0,182,268_AL_.jpg

it's numb & number like a come cumb her ...

p.s.: @Red Iron Crown oh funerals ... tell me so 'sigh' ... i guess posting that here avoid me a ban there ... let's assume we're not fast enough ... to remind about funerals for every ones i guess ... crown are heavy over head for a reason i guess ...

 

Edited by WinkAllKerb''
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Matuchkin

Matuchkin

Posted
Posted

So, one day, the police got a call from neighbor A, stating that neighbor B was hiding drugs and body parts in his recently-obtained logs. A half-hour later, officials from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, backed up by armed police forces, entered neighbor B's residence. The logs were chopped, but no body parts/ drugs were found. The officers cussed around in frustration and left. The next day, the following phone conversation was recorded between neighbors A and B:

"Did the cops come?"

"Uh-huh."

"They chopped up your logs?"

"Yep"

"Good, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

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WinkAllKerb''

WinkAllKerb''

Posted
Posted (edited)

-50 000 => 1900 neanderhtal (( (( Localized Science Fiction{size=72} ; fictionnal science )) ))

1900 => 1950 hum there something wrong about that

1950 => 1970 science fiction fictionnal science

1970 => 2000 science fiction & fictionnal science

2000 => 2016 fictionnal science & science fiction

2016 => slighty later:  fictionnal science & science fiction

slighty later => a lot later § wiseness for kids - museum & school §

Edited by WinkAllKerb''
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StrandedonEarth

StrandedonEarth

Posted
Posted

How do you sink a (stereotypically backward nationality) ship?

Spoiler

Put it in the water.

How do you sink a (stereotypically backward nationality) submarine?

Spoiler

Open the screen door

How was the (stereotypically backward nationality) air force sabotaged?

Spoiler

Someone stole all the rubber bands

How was the(stereotypically backward nationality) army defeated?

Spoiler

He was shot

 

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StrandedonEarth

StrandedonEarth

Posted
Posted

It seems I killed this thread last year, so I guess I should revive it. Yeah, there's a more current "Terrible Jokes" thread, but this one is quite good so it really doesn't belong there. I apologize if it seems slightly risque, but I defend it on the grounds that it's not lewd, rude, or crude; it's just anatomy. My wife found it on Facebook. So here goes:

A woman applied for a job at the factory where they make "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls. The personnel manager told her she could start the next day at 8 am. At 8:30 the next morning the the plant manager was in the personnel manager's office, saying the new hire was way too slow and the production line was getting backed up.

So the personnel manager heads down to the shop and sure enough, Elmo's are backed up all over the place. The production line was jammed with them. Then he looks at what the woman is doing and bursts out laughing. She has a swatch of the red furry material that covers Elmo, and a bag of marbles. She'd make a little pouch of the material, put two marbles in it, and sew the package between Elmo's legs. He goes up to her and says "No, no, no. I told you to give each Elmo two test tickles!"

 

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WinkAllKerb''

WinkAllKerb''

Posted
Posted (edited)

adult of a country in war with adult of another country should force there kids to learn the languages of the country they are in war with so may be the kids would stop, for the adults it's often too late, but for the kids it might give them a chance ...

also badum tshhhhh insert number or caracter set ideo picto phonogramm on earth ....

Edited by WinkAllKerb''
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