The Kerbal Chronicles

[The_Rocketeer]

On 08/03/2017 at 7:18 PM, DarkOwl57 said:

New Species Discovered! (Fact or Fiction???)

Earlier today, head KSC officials announced that they have discovered a new planet, inhabited by strange creatures. These creatures have the following description: Tall, heavy, and they speak a strange language. Their home planet (Named Earth (pronounced Ee-rath according to prized linguists)) is almost exactly like Kerbin. A large ship, nicknamed the "Horizon" rocket, will attempt to land on this planet and communicate with this race. However, some are not so certain about this supposed "planet".

"I think it's total [censored]." Raves one homeless person we found on the side of the road citizen. "It's just another reason for the KSC to spend the taxpayers money! Never mind the fact I don't pay taxes..."

"This is a wonderful event!" Gene Kerman, Head of the KSC, says. "Now we'll have more means of transport! We can learn their way of life, their technology, and maybe even live there one day! This is a groundbreaking event."

No matter what is decided however, one thing is certain; The 'Horizons', a ship worth billions of funds, will deliver some groundbreaking information. And according to famed pilot Jebediah Kerman, "It's even got kup holders!"

This one? 195 words.

[Guest]

Could not resist a second entry!

SPACE CENTER CELEBRATES “LOCAL LANGUAGE DAY”
by Kuzzter Kerman, Kerbal Chronicles

Don’t be surprised if you hear a cheerful “nǐ hǎo!” or “buena suerte!” today on your way to the launch pad—because today’s the day we officially celebrate the linguistic diversity of our space program!

“Early on we had to pick a common language so all the astronauts and Mission Control could understand each other. Kerblish was the easiest solution,” said flight director Gene Kerman. “But we also need to acknowledge that great ideas come from every part of Kerbin. If we limit ourselves to any one way of expressing those ideas, we’re missing out.”

“D’accord, mon chef!” agreed engineer Clauselle Kerman, graduate of l’École Polykerbique. “This day celebrates our diversity, our unity—and it’s also very fun, n’est-ce pas?”

Pilot Jebediah Kerman certainly seemed to be having fun: “Jak się masz? Xie xie! Você gostaria de um bagel?” It wasn’t clear whether anyone Jeb was talking to understood him, or indeed whether Jeb understood himself. But his colleague Valentina appreciated the effort nonetheless.

“That’s what today is all about,” she said, her Slavik accent just a little more noticable than usual. “Not just speaking our own languages, but learning new ones. That’s when we really start to appreciate each other.”

“Ja, I couldn’t agree more!” said one of the Space Program’s more prominent non-native Kerblish speakers, Wernher von Kerman. “We have a saying in Deutschekerb: ‘Alle Kerbschen werden Brüder’— when kerbals explore space together, we become like brothers und sisters.”

“You can’t see borders from orbit,” offered Jeb, thankfully sticking to Kerblish. “And I’ve been to enough other worlds to understand just how special, and how fragile, Kerbin really is. We’ve only got each other to rely on—and we’re all in this together!”

Edited March 13, 2017 by Kuzzter

[DarkOwl57]

7 minutes ago, The_Rocketeer said:

This one? 195 words.

shoot

[The_Rocketeer]

ASTEROID DAY

It’s another ordinary day. You set off for work at Mission Control. As you reach your office, a streak of light in the sky catches your attention – not another unauthorised test launch? No, this is no rocket.

This is a 4,000 ton lump of rock and ice, and this is its day.

Its light is bigger and brighter than the Sun, but you have barely gasped in awe when it disappears over the horizon. Moments later it impacts the ocean beyond Booster Bay and smashes kilometres-deep into Kerbin’s crust.

The horizon turns red and the ground shakes beneath you as shockwaves travel through Kerbin’s mantle. The volcanoes deep beneath the mountains erupt into fiery activity, hurling rock and ash high into the stratosphere. Moments later, a hypersonic fireball of molten rock, burning earth, steam and smoke, hammers the shore. It blasts apart the Space Centre’s buildings.

Luckily for you it is quickly over.

Anyone more sheltered is now being cooked alive by the searing heat or bludgeoned to gory death by flying debris. Kerbin shudders violently beneath them, as tsunamis hundreds of meters high rush ashore to drown them. Then the rain of burning hot gravel begins. Only later will the deafening sound of the impact arrive, as a wall of 1000kph wind.

Anyone not directly affected by the impact sees pieces of Kerbin fall back from space like the many glowing red tentacles of the Kraken. The sky grows dark, atmospheric dust and ash dispersing to eclipse the Sun’s warmth.

For years, the sky stays dim, the world cold and dark. Almost nothing grows. Kerbalkind slowly chokes to death.

Eventually, there are no more Kerbals anywhere…


On this day, KSC’s Asteroid Redirect Mission prevented this. In thanks and remembrance, today is a global holiday.

Today is Asteroid Day.

Edited March 13, 2017 by The_Rocketeer

[Just Jim]

2 hours ago, The_Rocketeer said:

This one? 195 words.

 

2 hours ago, DarkOwl57 said:

shoot

Oh, don't be upset..... adding 5 more words is way easier than taking 5 out... 

 

Edited March 11, 2017 by Just Jim

[StrandedonEarth]

3 hours ago, DarkOwl57 said:

wait could someone check my article? I don't know how much I put, but I can't check

You could copy and paste it into a Word document. Word will tell you how many, um, words. To prevent any forum glitches from eating my work in progress, I typed it out in Word and then pasted it here. I can tell by the font used that others have probably done this too.

Hey @Badie, can you confirm if titles and/or bylines count towards the word count?

Judging by the word-count limit inspired by the magazine theme, I assume since pics (screenshots) consume a lot of printed-page real estate, they would not be allowed.

Edited March 11, 2017 by StrandedonEarth

[SaturnianBlue]

Ker-Man's Sky; Unacceptable Disappointment

Saturnian B. Kerman, Kerbal Chronicles

The first universe simulator of it's kind, Ker-man's Sky, the most anticipated simulator of the year, has been a big disappointment. Even though in-game footage portraying a "photorealistic" version of the city Kirrim-Central was teased, players have complained that they found planets made of cheese and Kelgian Choke-olat that were "10X bigger than expected" (in fact, the footage of Kirrim-Central is now believed to be actual video footage of the city). The lead developer, Shaww Moray, has not yet published a statement, and the only "official" statement has been from a store clerk at a bankrupt GameMove who said "Bigger planets with cheese and stuff? Sounds good." We have been unable to reach him via K-Pad, potentially due to the fact that the Legion of Vechtenarians may have abducted him. Even stranger is a bug report (yet to be replied to) that has detailed a strange world about 6370 km in radius with bizarre beings approximately 2 meters tall who were either incredibly hostile, curious, or attempted to exploit the players. 

The most interesting of critics was Wernher von Kerman, who pointed out that the warp drives depicted in the simulator are impossible in the real universe, where the Great Kraken is rumored to propel a kerbal at higher speeds, though unpredictably. "It's not rocket science", he proclaimed, though the irony of this statement was pointed out extensively. The most unusual of criticisms came from players who believe the Monolith has magical powers, and were thus disappointed when they simply learned the word "Snack" in "ArFF!K-9 Speak" when they encountered the various Monoliths in the game. Updates are on the way, though many expect these updates to be the "Ker-Man's Sky of updates".

Edited March 12, 2017 by SaturnianBlue

[Just Jim]

1 hour ago, StrandedonEarth said:

Judging by the word-count limit inspired by the magazine theme, I assume since pics (screenshots) consume a lot of printed-page real estate, they would not be allowed.

I had the same thought about limited space, but at the same time, many popular magazines are mostly pictures with very small articles.

So I'm thinking if they do allow them, they'll still limit it to maybe just one or two really good screenshots per article.

[BrainyDJ]

Kerpollo-Kayuz Collaboration Mission

The Space Race, the competition between the Koviet Union and the Kerbin States has brought many achievements. The first satellite, Stayputnik I, was put into orbit. Yuri Kerman was the first Kerbal to reach space. Jebediah Kerman was the first to walk on the Mun. The list goes on and on, but all this time the Koviet Union and the Kerbin States have not collaborated; Instead, they competed for world power and political purpoposes. This "space isolation" comes to an end, and the governments have finally settled their differences (sort of) in order to bring out the first collaboration mission.

"This will push the boundaries of what is possible in space," Wernher von Kerman comments.

In the morning, the Kayuz 19 lifted off from Baikerbal Kosmodrome and headed into orbit. Shortly after, the Jool IB rocket launched from the KSC into a similar orbit. Both crafts, after corrections, were able to get into a stable orbit of about 150 kilometers. That same day, the two spacecraft successfully docked.

"The whole mission control was overjoyed after they heard the news," stated Gene Kerman. "We've finally made some new friends!"

The delighted kerbonauts were excited to meet each other. The magnetic docking ports were proven successful. The kerbonauts had great plans: eat snacks, do science, repeat. 

"We opened the hatch, shook hands, and shared our snacks," described Bob Kerman. "There were plenty of snacks to go around, and we were pumped to do some science afterward!"

 This event marked the ending of the Space Race between the Koviet Union and the Kerbin States, paving the way for a bright future of further collaborations. Space is now for every kerbal, no matter what they believe, where they live, or what they look like, and that's how it should be!

[Kertech]

Dear Agony Aunt.

 

By Alanit Kerman

 

Hello again my dears and welcome to my little corner of the chronicle. Here to solve your woes and personal drama in a compassionate, caring and extremely public way. 

 

 

Q)  Dear agony aunt, I keep dropping things every time a launch. It's just so embarrassing! Please help!!! --- D Kerman from Korfolk.

A)  Well my dear, you do have a pickle don't you. This sounds like you're not one with your mind, a bit rash and impatient. I suggest relax, and meditate. Think about the universe and space, we all love it, but space if used too much makes a Kerbal foolish. 

 

 

Q)  Dear agony aunt, my husband is stranded on the mun, what do I do!?! --- A Kerman, Kornwall

A)  Surprisingly common malady these days. I suggest sit back and relax, he is probably fine. You could instead join up and go get him, just make sure you have an extra booster with you.

 

 

Q) Dear agony aunt, how do you tell if a girl likes you?

A) Oh my dear you have much to learn. A woman has signs, however why not make your feelings known. What could be more romantic than building her a rocket and bring her the stars!

 

 

Q) Dear agony aunt, how do you stop your house from being hit by rockets and exploding?

A) Ahh my sweetie, you know the old saying, “rockets never hit the same spot twice” why not move into the KSC, they’ve all been hit there!

 

 

Q)  Dear agony aunt, is your column a thinly veiled recruiting drive from ksp? --- S Kerman, Kertfordshire

A) No my love, but if you'd like to join, then write me a letter at the normal address! KSC, KSC road,KS1 P22. Till next week!

Edited March 12, 2017 by Kertech

[The Artful Badger]

21 hours ago, StrandedonEarth said:

 

Hey @Badie, can you confirm if titles and/or bylines count towards the word count?

Every essay ever!

[JonathanPerregaux]

Mystery Protest by Haunted Hardware Scrubs Launch

Kerbal Space Center chiefs sparked protest today with a last-minute decision to send a robot to space. Dissent erupted from everyday household appliances, prompting a near-riot on the launch pad.

“Well that’s just typical!” grated a desktop fan, furiously sweeping side-to-side on High.

But Flight Director Gene Kerman was adamant: “When I first glimpsed that 22-stage monstrosity, I said, ‘Toss that, let’s get the robot to do it!’”

Top minds entrusted the mission to Badger-900, a former garbage disposal.

Badger-900 was a Probodobodyne Stayputnik probe core. Like most probe cores, he evolved from earlier forms: basic pleasure model; near-sighted scrap-pile; toy Santa; member of electronic pop music duo having multi-platinum albums…

National Guard units soon arrived to protect KSC facilities. Witnesses described scenes of bedlam as electric toothbrushes frothed threateningly. An irate toaster reached for comment angrily ejected two slices of hot, crispy bread.

By evening, liftoff was halted—but not without cost. One Roomba was found motionless amongst a jumble of cords, prompting an investigation.

Demonstrations were led by an outraged robot in ill-fitting glasses. After a brief chase trapped it in a tire, a group of young Kerbals in a groovy van solved the mystery.

“Why, it’s Dr. Wernher von Kerman!” they yelped in unison after removing his robot mask. “The R&D manager!”

“He sought to discredit the KSC and keep funds for himself!” pronounced Velma Kerman without a shred of evidence.

Police later arrested Wernher von Kerman for inciting a riot and obstructing a launch. He was also charged with public intoxication, ventriloquism in the 1^st degree, and unlawful puppetry involving household appliances.

“Well, in theory it should have worked!” Wernher said angrily. “If it wasn’t for these meddling kids!”

The next morning, Badger-900’s launch countdown resumed. After a triumphant send-off involving many dignitaries, the rocket exploded.

Edited March 12, 2017 by JonathanPerregaux

[SpaceplaneAddict]

Kerbonauts Return From Minmus!

           In an extraordinary feat, Valentina and Jebediah Kerman have managed to return from Minmus! This happened after being stranded when their autopilot, who they have named "Bob", decided to lie to them about their burn time! The duo was then left stranded on the Minmus surface, thought to be unable to return home. 

           No one knows how, but before "Bob" shutdown due to low power, it had automagically (We were told by KSC officials to use this wording) ejected their snack supply! However, through an emtremly difficult amount of math, the two kerbonauts determined their only way home. Before departing the surface, they stepped out to plant a flag. Valentina reportedly saw Jeb do something to theground, but did not question him. They then returned to the- no wait. Oh, ok. They then proceeded to activated their jetpacks under their somehow very light pod, and pushed them and the pod into orbit. Once in orbit, they went back inside the pod. Within the second, they came out again, with magically full jetpacks. The KSC has assured us this fuel came from discreet tanks and definitely not summoned by the Kerlluminati.They then continued this cycle into Low Kerbin Orbit, where they were rescued by the nearby Kerbin Space Station Alpha. They are now safe and ready fo-

           BREAKING NEWS! THE SURFACE OF MINMUS IS INDEED CHEESE! JEBEDIAH HIMSELF ATE SOME AND LIVED! KERBIN NOW HAS A MOONFUL OF CHEESE! HAIL MINMUS!

            

somebody save me they found me they're going to take me no no pleas-

Edited March 13, 2017 by SpaceplaneAddict
OK it's done. (Minor Edit made as well)

[Daniel Ramirez]

Breaking News: Our second moon, Minmüs, its made of mint ? Will Jeb take the trip to there ?

The Ionic Hopper succesfully landed on Minmüs, our cyan second moon, the probe came back with information about the existence of a very thin layer of atmosphere above the flats, and seismic cracks below the frozen surface, it also found that Minmüs don't seems to be made of mint as we had hoped.

Jeb and his teammates are disappointed by the taste that can have the floor, but Gene Kerman tells them that in fact we haven't tasted it yet , the only thing that motivates Jeb to take the trip is to be able to jump in very low gravity, do barrel rolls, fly like a superhero, eat meat and not use the useless science that is aboard on the hitchhiker storage container. Ksc don't worry about the crew to become balls of meat and fall asleep, cause the ultimate invention of the sas will take control of all, they hope.

Walt Kerman will reply the communicate of the crew report that will finally show if minmüs isn`t made of mint and doesn't taste as mint, if we found sweety the minmüs surface, we'll tell them to come back with at least 100 pounds of surface rocks, this will grant money for the Kerbal Space Program through the selling of the rocks as exotic extrakerbin mint, with added omega 3 and b complex, to pay the VAB team to make stronger, more controlable fireworks, ehm... rockets, with many more struts on 'em.

Ksc is planning to expand the boundaries of the kerbalkind until Minmüs for now, no poop flavored floor will dissapoint 'em.

[13gaw]

First post, so here goes! (sorry if I did something wrong)

 

MINMUS HO! DANANNE KERMAN’S RISE TO FAME - FROM INTERN TO GLORY

Dananne Kerman, the KSP's landing specialist, has done it again! She has been to the Mün and back multiple times, and was the first Kerbal to fly to the Mün with KSC's new lander. She also flew, along with Jebediah and Bob Kerman, on the first Münar Science Lab, orbiting high above the surface of the Mün. However, she has now returned from her most important mission yet. She became the first Kerbal to return from Minmus. She was using ML-2(M) or the ML-2 lander with some modifications - namely, two more fuel tanks. She touched down on the Minmus highlands 25 years after the KSP started up in year 323. The first thing she said to the audio recorder (she was out of the range of our communications) was

 

“Y’know, I never thought I was the brightest little girl, but I can now say that I am an official idiot. No, for anyone wondering, the ground is not pistachio ice cream. It tastes like deep-frozen dust bunnies.”

 

She returned to the Kerbinian Badlands, east of the KSC, 76 days after departure, where recovery crews picked her up within the hour. Because of this historic adventure, the KSC is receiving more funding and press than ever before, bringing hopes of a Duna mission in the very near future! Mortimer Kerman reported yesterday that funding and donations for the space program have reached an all time high, and Walt Kerman is launching an app that tracks all ongoing missions the KSC is orchestrating. Gene Kerman also reports that contracts are flowing in at an enourmous rate. The public can only imagine what our space program will do next.

Gabe Kerman, Kerbal News

 

Edited March 13, 2017 by 13gaw
Half of the article was highlighted white :/

[goodmanbrown]

An Open Letter from Jebediah Kerman to the KSC Community

Colleagues,

Recent experiences prompt me to air a discussion that has, until now, been confined to hushed conversations in the Astronaut Complex.

Every veteran kerbonaut is acquainted with the curious phenomenon of time-slips. Just as we begin the tedious portion of our mission-- traveling the slow sweep of a Hohmann transfer, waiting for a burn window or an orbital rendezvous-- the tedious portion ends. We emerge at our destination as if from an unhurried blink, our snack-stores and sanity intact. This is what we discuss around the billiards table: how is it possible that the passage of time adjusts itself to the orbital trajectories we choose? Are we choosing those trajectories?

On my recent trip to Duna, I experienced another disturbing phenomenon: time-hiccups. On that single voyage, I launched thrice. (I forgot to deploy solar panels; hiccup. I noticed the absence of a ladder; hiccup. Only then did I park in a stable orbit.) When I arrived at Duna I aerobraked seven times. (The first six ended in fireballs or Kerbol orbits; hiccup.) I landed five times on Duna’s night side. (The first four ended in harrowing moments of surface-assisted disassembly; hiccup.)

Though I clearly and distinctly recall each event in this sequence, only the successes appear in my telemetry. Why does time itself hiccup whenever my decisions lead to disaster? Am I making those decisions?

In a moment of silence and tranquility, please ask yourself, reader, if you have similar cause for concern. Did you choose to read this letter? Have you read it before?

If you share my concerns, join me in demanding that Administration recalibrate our Space Program’s mission. We have cataloged the material constituents of the heavens. Now we must ask: how can we reclaim our freedom?

-Jeb

[root]

A Kerbal’s Tale

 

One cold night, I carried with me a telescope to the middle of a field and pointed it to the stars. While aiming at what I believed to be some particularly bright stars, I discovered the planets. I could see the ice caps of Duna, the striped cloud tops of Jool and the remarkable rings of Sarnus. No longer were these planets relegated to the pages of a book. They had become real places in the night sky, worlds to which we might one day travel.

In the early days of the space program, mistakes and oversights were commonplace. Parachutes would deploy just as solid rocket booster ignited, command pods would decouple prematurely, leaving some stranded in orbit until a rescue craft could be deployed. I myself was victim to an incorrectly staged decoupler. Fortunately I had plenty of snacks and a copy of, “Astrodynamics and Whatnot” by Bob Kerman. Once Command appointed Bill Kerman as lead engineer, most problems were quickly straightened out. Shortly after my rescue, Jebediah Kerman became the first Kerbal to set foot upon Mün, while Valentina Kerman orbited above. Although Jeb somehow set the lander down on it’s side, he was later able to right the craft and successfully make the rendezvous with Val for their return journey home. The next world in our sights was Duna.

Imagine my surprise when I was selected to be part of the crew on the first manned Duna mission. Our ship, the Kermies, has performed exemplary over the last 300 days of this voyage. Presently we’re strapped into the landing craft, in a few moments we’ll begin descent to the planet below, and then several minutes after that, I will become one of the first to set foot on this new world.

 

Edited March 13, 2017 by root

[MinimalMinmus]

On Saturday, March 11, 2017 at 7:39 PM, The_Rocketeer said:

ASTEROID DAY

It’s another ordinary day. You set off for work at Mission Control. As you reach your office, a streak of light in the sky catches your attention – not another unauthorised test launch? No, this is no rocket.

This is a 4,000kg lump of rock and ice, and this is its day.

Its light is bigger and brighter than the Sun, but you have barely gasped in awe when it disappears over the horizon. Moments later it impacts the ocean beyond Booster Bay and smashes kilometres-deep into Kerbin’s crust.

The horizon turns red and the ground shakes beneath you as shockwaves travel through Kerbin’s mantle. The volcanoes deep beneath the mountains erupt into fiery activity, hurling rock and ash high into the stratosphere. Moments later, a hypersonic fireball of molten rock, burning earth, steam and smoke, hammers the shore. It blasts apart the Space Centre’s buildings.

Luckily for you it is quickly over.

Anyone more sheltered is now being cooked alive by the searing heat or bludgeoned to gory death by flying debris. Kerbin shudders violently beneath them, as tsunamis hundreds of meters high rush ashore to drown them. Then the rain of burning hot gravel begins. Only later will the deafening sound of the impact arrive, as a wall of 1000kph wind.

Anyone not directly affected by the impact sees pieces of Kerbin fall back from space like the many glowing red tentacles of the Kraken. The sky grows dark, atmospheric dust and ash dispersing to eclipse the Sun’s warmth.

For years, the sky stays dim, the world cold and dark. Almost nothing grows. Kerbalkind slowly chokes to death.

Eventually, there are no more Kerbals anywhere…


On this day, KSC’s Asteroid Redirect Mission prevented this. In thanks and remembrance, today is a global holiday.

Today is Asteroid Day.

Eeeeeeeer... the cheylabinsk one was 2500 times heavier, right?

[The_Rocketeer]

51 minutes ago, MinimalMinmus said:

Eeeeeeeer... the cheylabinsk one was 2500 times heavier, right?

Slightly OT, but I'll bite.

In KSP, the largest Class E asteroids are less than 4,000 tons, and in KSP there are no examples of larger natural solar satellites until Moho. Gilly (the next natural satellite of any kind larger than E-class) comes in at 1.2x10¹⁴ tonnes - much too big to be relevant to the ARM.

However, mass is much less important to an asteroid impact than force. A smaller rock colliding fast enough could be far more destructive than the Chelyabinsk object, as was likely the case of the Chicxulub impactor. so I checked the numbers and yah, I'll shut up there.

Lastly, Kerbin is not Earth. This is science-fiction.

Edit: zut! I now see my error - thanks

Relevant webpage here

Edited March 13, 2017 by The_Rocketeer

[UomoCapra]

Thank you all for submitting your articles! We are impressed of how many participated and even more so of the quality, humor and originality of the articles themselves. But as of now, submissions aren't allowed anymore.

Shortly we will publish a poll with the best 30 articles (chosen by us based on originality, humor, epic character and quality of the article) for you to vote for the winners. 

Cheers!