This is a bucket...

[Nazalassa]

(bucket silently conquests another thread)

(and creates a new page)

[Deddly]

An enormous flock of pelicans bursts into the theatre through the unlocked doors.

[AlamoVampire]

Our bucket is not deterred as our feathered friends take their seats:

Gus is the Cat at the Theatre Door
His name as I ought to have told you before
Is really Asparagus, but that's such a fuss
To pronounce that we usually call him
Just Gus 
His coat's very shabby
He's thin as a rake
And he suffers from palsy that makes his paw shake
Yet he was in his youth quite the smartest of cats
But no longer a terror to mice or to rats
For he isn't the cat that he was in his prime
Though his name was quite famous, he says, in his time
And whenever he joins his friends at their club
(Which takes place at the back of the neighbouring pub)
He loves to regale them if someone else pays
With anecdotes drawn from his palmiest days
For he once was a star of the highest degree
He has acted with Irving, he's acted with Tree
And he likes to relate his success on the halls
Where the gallery once gave him seven catcalls
But his grandest creation as he loves to tell
Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell 
I have played, in my time, every possible part
And I used to know seventy speeches by heart
I'd extemporize backchat
I knew how to gag
And I knew how to let the cat out of the bag
I knew how to act with my back and my tail
With an hour of rehearsal
I never could fail
I'd a voice that would soften the hardest of hearts
Whether I took the lead or in character parts 
I have sat by the bedside of poor little Nell
When the curfew was rung then I swung on the bell
In the pantomime season I never fell flat
And I once understudied di*k Whittington's cat
But my grandest creation
As history will tell
Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell            Then if someone will give him a toothful of gin
He will tell how he once played a part in East Lynne
At a Shakespeare performance he once walked on pat
When some actor suggested the need for a cat 
And I say now these kittens
They do not get trained
As we did in the days when Victoria reigned
They never get drilled in a regular troupe
And they think they are smart
Just to jump through a hoop
And he says as he scratches himself with his claws
"Well, the theatre is certainly not what it was
These modern productions are all very well
But there's nothing to equal from what I hear tell
That moment of mystery when I made history
As Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell
I once crossed the stage on a telegraph wire
To rescue a child when a house was on fire
And I think that I still can much better than most
Produce blood-curdling noises to bring on the ghost
And I once played Growltiger
Could do it again
Could do it again
Could do it again . . .

 

081910172023

@Deddly a group of pelicans is more accurately called a Pod  

082810172023

Edited October 17, 2023 by AlamoVampire

[AtomicTech]

A forums user falls asleep.

[AlamoVampire]

The bucket and friends ignore the sleeper:

Growltiger was a Bravo Cat who travelled on a barge
In fact he was the roughest cat that ever roamed at large
From Gravesend up to Oxford he pursued his evil aims
Rejoicing in his title of The Terror of the Thames 
His manners and appearance did not calculate to please
His coat was torn and seedy, he was baggy at the knees
One ear was somewhat missing, no need to tell you why
And he scowled upon a hostile world from one forbidding eye 
The cottagers of Rotherhithe knew something of his fame
At Hammersmith and Putney people shuddered at his name
They would fortify the henhouse, lock up the silly goose
When the rumour ran along the shore: Growltiger's on the loose! 
Woe to the weak canary that fluttered from its cage
Woe to the pampered Pekinese that faced Growltiger's rage
Woe to the bristly bandicoot that lurked on foreign ships
And woe to any cat with whom Growltiger came to grips! 
But most to cats of foreign race his hatred had been vowed
To cats of foreign name and race no quarter was allowed
The Persian and the Siamese regarded him with fear
Because it was a Siamese had mauled his missing ear 
Now on a peaceful summer night all nature seemed at play
The tender moon was shining bright, the barge at Molsey lay
All in the balmy moonlight it lay rocking on the tide
And Growltiger was disposed to show his sentimental side 
Growltiger's bucko mate Grumbskin long since had disappered
For to the Bell at Hampton he had gone to wet his beard
And his bosun Tumblebrutus, he too had stolen away
In the yard behind the Lion he was prowling for his prey 
In the forepeak of the vessel Growltiger sat alone
Concentrating his attention on the lady Griddlebone
And his raffish crew were sleeping in their barrels and their bunks
As the Siamese came creeping in their sampans and their junks 
Growltiger had no eye or ear for aught but Griddlebone
And the lady seemed enraptured by his manly baritone
Disposed to relaxation and awaiting no surprise
But the moonlight shone reflected from a thousand bright blue eyes 
And closer still and closer the sampans circled round
And yet from all the enemy there was not heard a sound
The foe was armed with toasting forks and cruel carving knives
And the lovers sang their last duet in danger of their lives 
Oh, how well I remember the Old Bull and Bush
Where we used to go down on a Sattadau night
Where, when anythink happened, it come with a rush
For the boss, Mr. Clark, he was very polite 
A very nice house, from basement to garret
A very nice house. Ah, but it was the parret
The parret, the parret named Billy M'Caw
That brought all those folk to the bar
Ah, he was the life of the bar!
Of a Saturday night, we was all feeling bright
And Lily La Rose - the barmaid that was 
She'd say, "Billy, Billy M'Caw!
Come give us, come give us a dance on the bar!"
And Billy would dance on the bar
And Billy would dance on the bar
And then we'd feel balmy, in each eye a tear
And emotion would make us all order more beer 
Lily, she was a girl what had brains in her head
She wouldn't have nothing, no, not that much said
If it come to an argument or a dispute
She'd settle it offhand with the toe of her boot 
Or as likely as not put a fist through your eye
But when we was happy, and just a bit dry
Or when we was thirsty, and just a bit sad
She would rap on the bar with that corkscrew she had 
And say "Billy, Billy M'Caw!
Come give us a tune on your pastoral flute!"
And Billy'd strike up on his pastoral flute
And Billy'd strike up on his pastoral flute
And then we'd feel balmy, in each eye a tear
And emotion would make us all order more beer 
Billy, Billy M'Caw!
Come give us a tune on your moley guitar!"
And Billy'd strike up on his moley guitar
And Billy'd strike up on his moley guitar
And then we'd feel balmy, in each eye a tear
And emotion would make us all order more beer 
Billy, Billy M'Caw!
Come give us a tune on your moley guitar!
Ah! He was the life of the bar. 
Then Gilbert gave the signal to his fierce Mongolian horde
With a frightful burst of fireworks, the Chinks they swarmed aboard 

Then Griddlebone she gave a screech, for she was badly skeered
I am sorry to admit it
But she quickly disappeared
She probably escaped with ease
I'm sure she was not drowned
But a serried ring of flashing steel Growltiger did surround 
The ruthless foe pressed forward in stubborn rank on rank
Growltiger to his vast surprise was forced to walk the plank
He who a hundred victims had driven to that drop
At the end of all his crimes was forced to go kerflip kerflop 
Oh there was joy in Wapping when the news flew through the land
At Maidenhead and Henley there was dancing on the Strand
Rats were roasted whole at Brentford and Victoria Dock
And a day of celebrations was commanded in Bangkok 
"These modern productions are all very well
But there's nothing to equal, from what I hear tell
That moment of mystery when I made history . . .

101710172023

[AstroWolfie]

before they could begin the story, 9 people entered the theater, dancing to this song:

 

[AlamoVampire]

Our buckets security restores order and our bucket resumes:

Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat
The Cat of the Railway Train

There's a whisper down the line
At eleven thirty-nine
When the night mail's ready to depart
Saying, "Skimble, where is Skimble?
Has he gone to hunt the thimble?
We must find him or the train can't start"

All the guards and all the porters
And the stationmaster's daughters
Would be searching high and low
Saying "Skimble, where is Skimble?
For unless he's very nimble
Then the night mail just can't go."

At eleven forty-two
With the signal overdue
And the passengers all frantic to a man
That's when I would appear
And I'd saunter to the rear
I'd been busy in the luggage van

Then he gives one flash
Of his glass-green eyes
And the signal goes "All Clear"
And we're off at last
For the northern part
Of the Northern Hemisphere

Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat
Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat
Skimbleshanks
Skimbleshanks
Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat
The Cat of the Railway Train

You could say that by and large
It was me who was in charge
Of the sleeping car express
From the driver and the guards
To the bagmen playing cards
I would supervise them all, more or less

I will watch you without winking
And I'll see what you are thinking
And it's certain that I wouldn't approve
Of hilarity and riot
So the folk are very quiet
When Skimble is about and on the move

You can play no pranks with Skimbleshanks
I'm a cat that cannot be ignored
So nothing goes wrong
On the Northern Mail
When Skimbleshanks is aboard

Oh, it's very pleasant
When you've found your little den
With your name written up on the door (Woo! Woo!)
And the berth is very neat
With a newly folded sheet
And there's not a speck of dust on the floor

Then the guard looks in politely
And will ask you very brightly
"Do you like your morning tea?
(Weak or strong)
But I was just behind him
And was ready to remind him
For Skimble won't let anything go wrong

When you creep into your cozy berths and pull up the counterpane
You ought to reflect that it's very nice
To know that you won't be bothered by mice
You can leave all that to the Railway Cat
The Cat of the Railway Train

Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat (Skimbleshanks)
The Cat of the Railway Train

And he gives you a wave
Of his long brown tail
Which says, "I'll see you again!"
You will meet without fail
On the Midnight Mail
The Cat of the Railway Train
 

145510172023

[Deddly]

The pod of pelicans begins heckling and chants in unison:

"A wonderful bird is the pelican, 

Its beak can hold more than its belly can..." 

[AlamoVampire]

Out bucket continues:

Macavity's a mystery cat, he's called the Hiddenpaw
For he's the master criminal who can defy the law
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair
For when they reach the scene of crime, Macavity's not there

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity
He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity
His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare
But when they reach the scene of crime, Macavity's not there

Macavity's a ginger cat, he's very tall and thin
You would know him if you saw him for his eyes are sunken in
His brow is deeply lined with thought, his head is highly domed
His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed
He sways his head from side to side, with movements like a snake
And when you think he's half asleep, he's always wide awake

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity
For he's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity
You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square
But when a crime's discovered, then Macavity's not there

He's outwardly respectable, I know, he cheats at cards
And his footprints are not found in a-any files of Scotland Yard's
And when the larder's looted and the jewel case is rifled
Or when the milk is missing or another peke's been stifled
Or the greenhouse glass is broken and the trellis past repair
There's the wonder of the thing, Macavity's not there

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity
There never was a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity
He always has an alibi, and one or two to spare
What ever time the deed took place, Macavity wasn't there
And they say that all the cats whose wicked deeds are widely known
I might mention Mungojerrie, Rumpleteazer, Griddlebone
Are nothing more than agents for the cat who all the time
Just controls the operations, the Napoleon of Crime
Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity
He's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity
You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square
But when a crime's discovered, then Macavity, Macavity
Macavity, Macavity

When a crime's discovered, then
Macavity's not there
 

163810172023

[ColdJ]

Count Dooku, General Grievous and General Kenobi are having a heated discussion about Mandalorians using buckets as head wear.

[Deddly]

The Royal Beauteous Bucket takes offense. 

[AlamoVampire]

Our bucket resumes:

You ought to ask Mr. Mistoffelees
The original Conjuring Cat
The greatest magicians have something to learn
From Mr. Mistoffelees's conjuring turn 

Presto! 

And you'll all say:
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

He is quiet and small
He is black
From the ears to the tip of his tail
He can creep through the tiniest crack
He can walk on the narrowest rail 

He can pick any card from a pack
He is equally cunning with dice
He is always decieving you into believing
That he's only hunting for mice 

He can play any trick with a cork
Or a spoon and a bit of fish paste
If you look for a knife or a fork
And you think it was merely misplaced 

You have seen it one moment, and then it is gone!
But you find it next week lying out on the lawn! 

And we all say:
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

His manner is vague and aloof
You would think there was nobody shyer
But his voice has been heard on the roof
When he was curled up by the fire 

And he's sometimes been heard by the fire
When he was about on the roof
(At least we all heard that somebody purred)
Which is uncontestable proof 

Of his singular magical powers
And I've known the family to call
Him in from the garden for hours
When he was asleep in the hall 

And not long ago this phenomenal cat
Produced seven kittens right out of a hat! 

And we all say:
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees! 

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

Ladies and gentlemen
I give you the marvelous
Magical Mr. Mistoffelees! 

Presto! 
 

071310182023

Edited October 18, 2023 by AlamoVampire

[ColdJ]

Meanwhile the Royal Beauteous Bucket finds their planet being blockaded by the Trade Federation.

It is the begining of Jar Wars "The Pail Menace".

[AlamoVampire]

Our beauteous bucket continues:

Up, up, up, past the Russell Hotel
Up, up, up, up, to the Heaviside Layer

Up, up, up, past the Russell Hotel
Up, up, up, up, to the Heaviside Layer

Up, up, up, past the Russell Hotel
Up, up, up, up, to the Heaviside Layer

Up, up, up, past the Russell Hotel
Up, up, up, up, to the Heaviside Layer

 

075410182023

075610182023

stupid bad gateway error

Edited October 18, 2023 by AlamoVampire

[Deddly]

The eels throw a glass jar at the pelicans, who catch it and throw it back. The jar war is well and truly under way. The Resplendent Royal Beauteous Bucket of Broadway picks up two jars and throws them at the Picky Pod of Pelicans, escalating the war considerably; double the jars means double the trouble, and nobody wants Jarjar.

[AlamoVampire]

 

Our bucket finishes its production of Cats:
 

You've heard of several kinds of cat
And my opinion now is that
You should need no interpreter
To understand our character 
You've learned enough to take the view
That cats are very much like you
You've seen us both at work and games
And learnt about our proper names
Our habits and our habitat
But how would you ad-dress a cat? 
So first, your memory I'll jog
And say: A cat is not a dog 
Now dogs pretend they like to fight
They often bark, more seldom bite
But yet a dog is, on the whole
What you would call a simple soul 
The usual dog about the town
Is much inclined to play the clown
And far from showing too much pride
Is frequently undignified
He's such an easygoing lout
He'll answer any hail or shout 
The usual dog about the town
Is inclined to play the clown 
Again I must remind you that
A dog's a dog, a cat's a cat 
With cats, some say one rule is true
Don't speak 'til you are spoken to
Myself I do not hold with that
I say you should ad-dress a cat
But always bear in mind that he
Resents familiarity 
You bow, and taking off your hat
Ad-dress him in this form: "O' cat!" 
Before a cat will condescend
To treat you as a trusted friend
Some little token of esteem
Is needed, like a dish of cream 
And you might now and then supply
Some caviar, or Strassburg pie
Some potted grouse or salmon paste
He's sure to have his personal taste
And so in time you reach your aim
And call him by his name 
So this is this, and that is that
And there's how you ad-dress a cat 
A cat's entitled to expect
These evidences of respect
So this is this, and that is that
And there's how you ad-dress a cat 
 

160810182023

[ColdJ]

A mini car drives in and disgorges a multitude of Clowns. The Clown Wars have begun.

Edited October 19, 2023 by ColdJ

[Deddly]

Four of the clowns sadly pass away, but one survives and vows to fight back. This will be the revenge of the fifth. 

[ColdJ]

The Fith Lord (Clown) corrupts one of the Eels and sets it against its brothers.

[Deddly]

By attaching a battery to the slithery creature, it unwittingly becomes pure EV-eel

[AlamoVampire]

Our bucket stops center stage:

To be, or not to be, that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause—there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all,

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry

And lose the name of action.
 

113410192023

[Deddly]

The Resplendent Royal Beauteous Bucket of Broadway is politely removed from the stage by the ushers who feel that there can be too much of a good thing and they do not wish to sit through the complete works of Shakespeare. 

[AlamoVampire]

Our bucket drops onto center stage the complete works of: Chaucer, Shakespeare, Poe, and Homer and begins to read them.

142810192023

[Deddly]

The pelicans, kittens, eels and Jarjar begin to revolt

[AlamoVampire]

The bucket with an etherial voice that is at once thunderous yet lyrical yet resplendent commands the pelicans, kittens and eels to a full stop and when the buckets voice stops it causes a thunder crack that banishes jarjar into nothingness that cauterizes the timeline removing his memory from all and preventing his return.

003510202023

005410202023

Edited October 20, 2023 by AlamoVampire