Things that NASA never said at a press conference.

[MiffedStarfish]

"Launch escape system? Nah, don't need those, they're just added weight."

"Our Mars colony landing site scouter has officially been redisignated the Mars colony landing site impactor, for scientific reasons and not because of of technical failures. In other news, the colonyship is good for landing in two days!"

[kerbiloid]

9 hours ago, MiffedStarfish said:

"Launch escape system? Nah, don't need those, they're just added weight."

Space Shuttle?

[MiffedStarfish]

1 hour ago, kerbiloid said:

Space Shuttle?

Yes, that's why they were able to carry so much payload! And spontaneously combust!

[kerbiloid]

Btw, early studies of Buran contaned escape motors

http://www.buran.ru/htm/os-120.htm

Number 15/17 on the picture.

T/W 4..4.5 (from another article)
 

Spoiler

 

Edited March 14, 2017 by kerbiloid

[The Raging Sandwich]

"Ceres doesn't really exist."

[adsii1970]

Ok, as many of you know, I will likely be teaching a history course that is nothing more than a historical approach to space exploration and spaceflight. So, in the light of that, I have prepared a few for your pleasure:

• "Yes, it is true. The Earth is indeed flat..."
• Yes, it is true. The universe does indeed orbit around the Earth..."
• "We have discovered that space contains ether..."
• Congress has sent us too much money. We don't have enough projects to spend it on..."
• Those weren't UFOs crashing in Roswell; we were trying out interplanetary spacecraft in the 1940s and 1950s..."

And finally...

• "We've discovered the existence of an advanced civilization of little long-headed, big eyed, bright green guys in a distant planet. They call themselves "Kerbals..."

[kerbiloid]

"Next time we'll add more struts."

[The Raging Sandwich]

"It appears that some of the parts aboard the ISS are invalid because the mod hasn't been released for the new update." 

[WinkAllKerb'']

"the universe is almost flat, yep no photon come from top and bottom, (ehehe), and most photon in the "known" (so far) universe travel almost parrallel to each others in term of density repartition and there not occurence of that complex fact from distance when you observe things, especially with celestial bodies that can "sort of" catch them in the said density trajectory repartition"

Edited March 16, 2017 by WinkAllKerb''

[55delta]

"We are currently corresponding by e-mail with someone from a planet called Arrakis, calling himself Atreides. He is asking for our help in retrieving a large shipment of something called Melange, which in exchange he is willing to share a part of that shipment. We need to send him some..."

"Our newest satellite will include the most powerful spotlight ever built. We intent to use this spotlight to illuminate future night-time launches."

[53miner53]

"One of the struts broke, so the launch craft underwent RUD." 

[StupidAndy]

"I like trains"

[55delta]

(Let me throw in an old TF2 reference.)

"The astronaut will deploy the sensor, then extent it to full functionality by swinging their wrench violently in a downward motion."

"Frustrated with lackluster budgets and a lack of mandate, NASA launched a take-over of the United States government today."

[kerbiloid]

6 hours ago, 55delta said:

then extent it to full functionality by swinging their wrench violently

The procedure finalization includes low-frequency mechanical influence provided by a specially trained crew member.
The astronaut is equipped with a special scientific toolkit and will use a multi-purpose manual impactor from it.

[WinkAllKerb'']

"and here get spad for free, and have fun with the exchange market"

Edited March 22, 2017 by WinkAllKerb''

[spacebrick3]

"You are the 100,000th visitor to this press conference! CLICK HERE to receive a full trip to Mars, all expenses paid*"

 

 

 

 

*rocket, training, and expenses not included. Also, your warranty will be voided by this trip, no matter what you do.

Edited March 23, 2017 by spacebrick3

[munlander1]

Let's try again!

[rkarmark]

Five minutes prior to reentry we realised we forgot paracutes

[munlander1]

2 hours ago, rkarmark said:

Five minutes prior to reentry we realised we forgot paracutes

Such a kerbal thing to do...

[The Raging Sandwich]

"On our landing attempt, we realized during the landing sequence we forgot landing legs, and upper stage, and the actual astronauts to pilot it."

[53miner53]

Someone probably said this before in this thread, but: "Oops"

[ProtoJeb21]

"Cost first, safety second!"

[53miner53]

"Oh cool! Explosions!"

[55delta]

"I am certain that CCCP has achieved all their accomplishments with the assistance of hack gravity and hyperedit."

"Although one booster prematurely released during at launch, our flight engineers are reasonably confident that they can place the payload into a stable orbit."

[KAL 9000]

"We have now disproven the claim from the movie Alien that 'in space, no one can hear you scream'. We have recordings of the terrified screams of our astronauts during several failed landing attempts." 

"Our 1:1 Landing Attempt, Landing Success ratio during the Apollo missions is due to two invaluable tools developed by our scientists: F5 and F9." 

"We can neither confirm nor deny rumors of a stranded astronaut at the Ares III mission site."