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Good afternoon, Kerbonauts. This past week has been a learning experience. My last post here received a lot of comments, many of which expressed doubt, frustration, and in some cases even anger about either the seeming lack of progress on KSP2 or the perception that I am concealing some dark reality about the state of the game. Our team has been reading your comments and asking one another if there’s some way we can do better. In the past, every item in these forum posts has had to cross a threshold of certainty - I don’t want to announce some new feature or target date, only to experience a trust-eroding failure to follow through. I feel this burden especially keenly because in the past I have personally announced dates that turned out to be incorrect. For that reason, I have avoided talking about features in progress, bugs under investigation, or internal delivery deadlines. With a game this complex, nothing is ever assured until it has been thoroughly tested by QA. When you combine this "stay quiet until you’re absolutely sure" ethos with a more dispersed update cadence, what you get is long periods of silence. Now, of course I haven’t gone literally silent. I still post here every week. Before each post goes out, I meet with the production and community teams to review the past week’s progress, and a great many exciting developments are discussed. They often take the form of "we’ve made great progress on x category of super annoying bug" or "this feature looks good but we haven’t had time to fully validate it yet." By my standard of "don’t talk about it until it’s truly done," neither of those scenarios yields anything that’s safe to post about. What is safe, then? Well, for the most part, content updates (new art, new parts, new graphics improvements) come along in nice, neat little parcels that are not only visually pleasing, but also unlikely to generate an unmet expectation. They’re fun and they’re safe, and artists are always creating new content. So you see lots of that. But the other thing you see lots of is some variation on "improved stability and performance." That’s my catch-all term for that very meaningful category of progress that, because of my reluctance to write bad checks, can’t yet be talked about in detail. When I hold back on such items, I comfort myself that the less I reveal now, the more surprising the patch notes will be when we finally release them. Still, I’m questioning my choice to withhold information about systems in progress. Yes, there’s always the chance that when we talk about a feature in development, that we’re also creating an expectation that the feature will be present in the next update. Similarly daunting is the possibility that we’ll announce that we’re working on something that the community perceives as "easy" (an especially common situation when we’re working on a feature that is already functional in the original KSP), and then take such a long time delivering that feature that people may decide we don’t know what we’re doing. In such cases, we then need to take the time to explain in technical detail why the implementation of such and such a feature is non-trivial in KSP2. Increased transparency carries costs, and those costs always have to be balanced against other feature-facing work we could be doing. So what I’m going to try to do right now is to extend some trust to you. I’m going to talk about a few things that are not yet complete so that you can at least see some of the ropes we’re hauling on every day - some of which may prove to be long. This list is not exhaustive (there are dozens of people working on dozens of items simultaneously, and there are some features that we really do want to be surprises), but it will hopefully give you some visibility into the breadth of issues we’re tackling. Please do not assume that if a bug didn’t get mentioned in this list that it is unknown to us or not being worked on — this is a top-ten list. Our bug prioritization is broadly guided by the following logic: Category A: any bug that causes loss of a vehicle in flight (physics issues, trajectory instability, decoupling instability, loss of camera focus, unexpected part breakage/RUD) Category B: any bug that affects the fidelity or continuity of a saved game (rigidbody degradation, save file inflation, loss of vehicle or Kerbal during instantiation or focus switching) Category C: any bug that negatively affects the expected performance of a vehicle (drag occlusion, staging issues, thrust asymmetry, joint wobbliness, landing leg bounciness) Category D: any VAB bug that prevents the player from creating the vehicle they want to make (symmetry bugs, fairing/wing editor bugs, strut instability, inconsistent root part behavior) While there are many bugs that live outside these four categories (and in some cases, such bugs end up getting sorted out during normal feature development), the four categories above are the biggest fun killers. Until a player can envision a vehicle, create it without being impeded by VAB issues, fly it with a reasonable expectation that physical forces will be consistently applied, and save their progress at any point without worrying about the fidelity of that save, the KSP2 experience will be compromised. Obviously, now that we are layering in progression mechanics (Science gathering and transmission, missions, and R&D tech tree) in preparation for downstream Roadmap updates, the importance of addressing these issues only increases. Therefore, here are a few of the biggest issues we’re wrangling with right now: Vehicles in stable coasting orbits sometimes experience orbit instability/decay - Status: possible fix in progress Trajectories change when vehicles cross SOI boundaries - Status: fix in progress (see below) Certain inline parts cause aerodynamic drag numbers to spike - Status: under investigation Returning to craft from VAB causes craft to go underground (possibly related to Kerbals and landed vehicles dropping through terrain while being approached) - Status: possible fix being tested Decoupling events result in various issues including loss of control, incorrect controllability of decoupled subassemblies, loss of camera focus, and other issues - Status: may have many causes, but some fixes in progress (see below) Save files get bigger over time (TravelLog experiencing "landed" status spam) - Status: fix being tested Opening part manager causes major frame lag - Status: experiments ongoing Major post-liftoff frame rate lag immediately above launchpad (associated with engine exhaust lighting) - Status: fix being tested Root parts placed below decouplers cause issues with stage separation - Status: under investigation Vehicle joints unusually wobbly, some part connections unusually weak - Status: under investigation We’re tracking down some strange vehicle behaviors associated with spurious autostrut errors. As we’ve discussed here before, some radially-attached parts are reinforced by additional invisible autostruts to improve their stability. It turns out that these autostruts don’t always break cleanly during decoupling events, and may be the cause of some of our more frustrating decoupling issues (including those where detached vehicle elements appear to still affect one another’s behavior). We’re still investigating this one, but we have high hopes that its correction will result in a reduction of mission-killing errors. Finally, we have zeroed in on the cause of some of the trajectory errors we’ve been seeing - especially the situation in which a trajectory changes spontaneously when crossing an SOI boundary. This one is deep in the code and its correction may end up fixing a few other downstream issues. This is a complicated problem, however, and we may not solve it in time for the June update. We should know more about this one soon. I’ve provided the list above as a stopgap. We have been discussing internally how best to improve bug status visibility so that you have a better idea of what we’re working on. We’re looking at a lot of options right now, and I’ll update you when we’ve settled on something. We recognize the need for this transparency and we’ll come to a solution soon. ANYWAY... we have some nice content news! Update v0.1.3.0 will be the first KSP2 update to contain not only bug fixes, but a few new parts. Right now, we can confirm the arrival of the following: A.I.R.B.R.A.K.E Clamp-O-Tron shielded docking port Clamp-O-Tron Inline Docking Port MK2 Clamp-O-Tron Docking Port Cornet Methalox Engine (new small extensible-nozzle orbital engine) Trumpet Methalox Engine (new medium extensible-nozzle orbital engine) Tuba Methalox Engine (new large extensible-nozzle orbital engine) S3-28800 Large Inline Methalox tank (longer version of large methalox tanks) Here’s some video of those new engines in action. The Tuba has individually-swiveling mini-nozzles that might be one of part designer Chris Adderley’s coolest ideas yet (final parts built by Pablo Ollervides, Jonathan Cooper, and Alexander Martin): new_engine_testing.mp4 We are still testing the new grid fins. Because these parts require some special part module support, engineering work is ongoing. Due to the complexity of this work, we don’t believe grid fins will make it into the v0.1.3.0 update. Last week’s challenge produced a few spiffy designs. Check out this rocket, with which user Well braved the Kraken and managed to deposit a lander at the bottom of the Mohole: Gotta respect the ingenuity of using antennae for landing legs: Thanks to those who participated! Next up, at the suggestion of @RyanHamer42 on Twitter, we’re building space stations! Your mission, should you choose to accept it: Primary goal: build a station by docking at least two Wayfarer habitat modules together in orbit above Kerbin Secondary goal: add a deployable solar panel truss and a fuel depot tank to your station Jeb-level goal: dock a transfer tug to your station and place the station in orbit above another planet Val-level goal: send a lander to your station that can be reused for down-and-up flights to the surface of the planet below Thanks for the suggestion, Ryan! Good luck, everyone!

Only talk in binary. Oops I broke a rule. 01010111 01100101 01101100 01101100 00101110 00100000 01010111

It’s like they picked the worst of both worlds. Talking a lot at times but only about insubstantial stuff (amas with softball questions, dev insights into features that were supposed to come a brief window after launch) And then trying to change to a “under promise over deliver strategy” without acknowledging or wrapping up the loose ends of everything they’ve already discussed (reentry heat video was supposedly supposed to come out 11 days ago, has since then not been even acknowledged) all the while not actually delivering everything. It’s like they keep flip flopping on how much to talk thinking that’s the reason the player base is grumpy when, if the game was making progress, they could talk a lot or not at all and many would be happier. Because the communication style isn’t the reason for the backlash, the state of the game is the reason.

Finding Wyvern insufficiently capable of generating Chemicals, I decided to launch an Industrial Refinery module to operate as a dedicated chemical plant. It took 9 days to reach Minmus, by which time Odyssey was finally arriving at Dres. I activated the crossfeed to the landers, giving the nuclear engines access to all the liquid fuel on board. Somehow the crew managed to fully charge the batteries, allowing the vessel to limp in with a constant power drain of a bit over 1 ec per second. With life support shut down and just the inflatable module for habitation, only engineer Ennie Kerman was still at his post. The other two slackers went on strike, if you can believe it. Even with all the LF available, it wasn't going to be enough. Odyssey was going to fly off into Kerbolar orbit. Something to do with a miscalculation over liquid fuel verses liquid hydrogen, which meant the vessel would have less delta-V than expected. To make up the difference, RCS added its miniscule thrust for the duration of the burn, and in fact made the final ten m/s of deceleration that ensured a successful capture. Admittedly, if she hadn't been carrying a 2.5m tank's worth of RCS to begin with, this might not have been neccesary. Talk about cutting it fine! Wishing I'd thought of this earlier, but better late than never. A pair of flat-aspect solar arrays had been sitting on either side of Odyssey's main propellant tank. Their original purpose was to ensure that no matter which direction Odyssey was pointed, it could receive at least some solar power. That meant they were effectively useless extra mass so long as the vessel was oriented to allow its main arrays to point at the sun, which is basically all the time. Ennie Kerman went EVA to move them somewhere more useful. Generating a whopping 3 ec/second, these panels allowed the hydroponics gardens to be reactivated, ensuring that the crew would at least have Supplies to (hopefully) last them until Valkyrie arrives.

Hardly a deliberate tactic, just passion. Remember that a forum (or any community) is mostly made up of the most passionate people for a project, both positive and negative. Those who don't really care and just play occasionally tend to lurk at best, but usually just don't engage these kinds of spaces at all. The negative speakers are speaking out because they want to be heard - the prospect of driving others away makes that harder, not easier. And its not some effort to tank/punish/etc the developers for it, as again, the majority of people don't interact with communities at this level. They'll see the steam ratings, a few suggested and top reviews, and make a decision there. Folks are upset with the state of things, and they want to talk with other people who are upset with the state of things. Others are ok with the state of things, and they want to talk to people who are ok with the state of things. Both groups want to feel vindicated, justified in how they feel by confirming that no, they're not just crazy or stupid, others feel the same way. Some of those people just take it a bit too personally when they stumble across someone who doesn't feel the same way they do. The community ends up on defense mode, with all members wary that someone's there to tear them down for hate/hope for the project. Which in turn leads most conversations to be snippy and aggressive as everyone takes every quip by assuming the worst. The gap between the groups grows wider, and the outliers become more extreme. Back immediately following launch, the extreme positive side was "Wow this is rough but the bones are so good, they'll sort it out soon" and the extreme negative side was "Wow the games in a terrible state, how'd they think this was ok to release?". Now, six months on, the extreme positive side is more or less saying "Lol why did you expect a full price game to be any good or playable when its got the Early Access label? You're a fool if you expected anything else" and the extreme negative side is "The devs have cut and run, the ones left over can't tie their own shoelaces much less write a line of code, how hard is it to copypaste from a decade old game?". The moderate opinions and positions are still here, but frankly, nobody listens much to them lol, quirk of human nature. So long as these narratives remain so extreme and so divergent, things won't get better in the community. The devs actions will shift the dial one way or another, but from a community perspective its in the worst possible state - Maximum risk of genuine incompetence and failure in the game, and maximum possibility that its all just around the corner. Six months with minimal quality patching is extremely poor. But six months plus change to a major feature release is pretty good. Frankly, until the devs land it, flat on their face or perfectly, its going to continue to diverge. Once they do the narrative will likely unify, either to "Yea it sucks" and "It sucks but recovery narrative NMS guys", or it lands it and goes "It sucked but its turning around" and "I told you guys to stop crying, its great". But all the while, as the passionate community divides and bickers and hopes for some proof one way or another, the real danger is the quiet majority audience. They're not hanging around reading devblogs. They're not digging deep into community discussions and roadmap details and the rocky development cycle the game has. They're seeing a 29% Mostly Negative recent review score on steam, and skipping the game. They're taking a gamble, buying it, having a bad time, and refunding it with a negative review. They're folks who bought the game, tried playing for a bit, left a negative review and put the game down and probably won't come back, alter reviews if it gets good, etc. The easiest representation of this I can see is the mission reports forums for the two games. The first games one is still pretty active, with the entire first page of threads having been posted in this month. KSP2 has six threads that've been active this month, and its first page goes back to April. If the passionate forum goers aren't flying as much, what do you think the casual audience is doing? Nothing much, I'd imagine. Balls in the developers court, but the clocks ticking - This lurch period of uncertainty isn't helping any aspect of the game or the community.

I stand corrected. Promise or not, I think it was a bad idea to state that goal. If saves break it’ll look like they failed to meet that goal, and if they have to do extra work or make compromises to stop them from breaking, the game will suffer. Their biggest communication problem is that they talk too much!

it's like 30 minutes into the 0.2 announcement talk iirc.

If the devs bring in science trust me most of the discussion will be on science. That’s more interesting for everyone to talk about. I’d like to talk about resources and asynchronous options for multiplayer but it’s hard to have those conversations not even knowing what science will be like. And, to keep this merry go round conversation going, KSP1 was much cheaper than KSP2, was a new idea combining Orbiter like mechanics into a sandbox game without any prior game to get ideas/solutions from, was made by far fewer people, and had more progress down its “roadmap” over any 3 month period than has KSP2 over its lifetime. When your game is less playable with less features than the prior entry in the franchise, is more expensive, and is progressing substantially slower than the first game yeah people are going to get grumpy. If you then apologize and try and start off with a clean slate and return to overpromising and either under delivering or never delivering yeah people will get upset.

Sorry, this jumped out to me as being surprisingly hilarious. I was reading through this dumpster fire and reached your comment - most of the stuff you said just uses different starting assumptions and places different importance on different pieces of information but I can get behind the logic (while disagreeing with most of them), but this one... an acrobatic masterpiece. Okay, an example: Object A has trait B. Type of object C has trait B. (implication...). This doesn't logically imply that the object is in that type - I have eyes. Yeah, flamingoes have eyes. The thing that makes this really funny is that you can in fact talk about things that don't exist - you can find lots of examples of very specific statements about multiplayer that aren't true. The devs could just lie - I'm reasonably certain you are aware of that fact. So, reading backwards, coming across this statement right after reading this is hilarious. Wait... They can talk about it. Yeah, you can talk about things that don't exist. (implication: They don't have multiplayer). One thing that your statement serves for is to rule out its own category; that is logically consistent. For example, if I say that I can't demonstrate something that doesn't exist and then I go on to demonstrate it, then I can't be in the category of non-existence: if p then q -> !q = !p (this doesn't work the other way btw). So, assuming that that Patch 1 was communicated truthfully (which could always be an incorrect assumption), this statement: doesn't work: You can't talk about (I'd say demonstrate) things that don't exist, the devs have talked about (and more importantly demonstrated) their QA through Patch 1, ergo the QA does not not exist. As I said at the start, I respect your opinions and logic, even the QA statement. You noticed I made different assumptions to start with (that the Patch 1 communications are true, at least the relevant part), and perhaps interpreted information differently (that the bug fixes in Patch 1 are an adequate demonstration of bugs that have been fixed without outside input), leading me to a different conclusion. However, changing those factors, I could come to your conclusion logically. I don't want this to be a serious insult, just a jab at something I found funny. Everyone slips up, I caught two obvious logical fallacies in this message (and there's probably still more if you want to find them), but this was a slip with a wonderful flourish.

Honestly, I think the hard part about trying to stay positive about the future of the game is that many of the things, that would normally be sources of hype, have been proven to be unreliable for people to be putting their hopes in. So of course we can't change that. It's weird feeling like their has to be a dichotomy, between positivity about the game and negativity. I want to be want to complain about the things wrong with the game, but like many others I would also like to see this forum, if not full, at least largely so, of people engaging with the game and enjoying themselves. It's frustrating when the core problem is that people feel that they can't get engaged with the game enough due to all the bugs and whatnot. It's a valid feeling, full stop. I just wish the game was in a state where it was more interesting to talk about what we're able to do in it, than to talk about how difficult it is for us to GET to that point of engagement.

No need in billions. Thousands of influential adepts; millions of motivated expendables, ready to self-sacrifice, relevant eschatological discourse, secret plan of eternal life and/or reincarnation. Healthy and worthy like never before. Just the low-level crowd formally belongs to all religious and spiritual groups (and in 99% of cases doesn't know the very word "gnosticism"), following the p.1. The first rule of the Fight Club - you do not talk about Fight Club. No need to affect everyone. The elite is enough. Reincarnation, regeneration, thin plane existence, other bonus options for the chosen. Show them a possibility, then have a deal. P.S. Still insisting that SETI should stop sending their silly pictures, and start translating Marx's Das Kapital at the neutral hydrogen frequency. Let's hit'em first!

Oooohohohoho you know you just activated my trap card. Let's start, in no particular order, might mix and repeat things. All of below has been recorded on 23" 1080p monitor. The clutter. The various windows and instruments take a lot of screen space. This is an issue even on nearly 90% of Steam Survey users who have a 1080p screens. Here's why: Can you tell that there are three other windows hidden behind those visible? They all go over each other with no regard to other's positions, and dragging them around to find the one you need is tiresome. Especially since they are sooooo big while also having a lot of unused space inside, with tiny fonts. And while you can resize some of them, it's not what I'd call helpful: This is the maximum horizontal width of parts manager in VAB. See the issue? The thing could hold two columns and keep twice as much data on the same space. All windows should be as flexible as possible. Inconsistency, that may be long. Because for some reason, of four windows visible here, each one has a different style. The sizes, the fonts, the colors... Even the title bars are different. Some are resizeable, some aren't... And it follows throughout the entire game. On this single screenshot here I can spot at least a dozen of different fonts styles, sizes and whatnot, often within a single element. One piece of the navball has four, can you notice? Then just below that.. The fifth. Aaaaand below the navball... 3 different fonts, 3 different sizes, why on Earth is the time smaller than the altitude? The launch button has three as well, and then there's staging, also with at least three: And the flight report... Why exactly is the right half different from the left? And also, I've noticed... What's with the alignment? Two baselines? W H Y ? And even if the font happens to be the same (I like the smooth one) it comes in at least six sizes. All across one interface. That's not a very unified UI if you asked me. Minor thing but needs noting. Some switches are presented as actions, some as status. I think I'd rather also have a On/Off switch for the engine instead of a button. Engine activated: Green. Or dark if deactivated. Now, the thing I hate the most. Form over function. It's something I've dealt with before with another game (https://www.reddit.com/r/Forspoken/comments/zhdr1m/can_we_talk_how_terribly_designed_the_interface/) although this was a demo prior to release. The thing with interface, is that its most important function is being easily readable and clear to the user. Unfortunately, KSP2 isn't that. Get an average person with glasses, make them sit in front of average-sized screen at perfectly reasonable 1080p with 100% UI scale, and show them one of the fullgame screenshots above. Ask them to read the navball or time to PE or fuel consumption of a Dawn engine without leaning forward. I can't do that. And the new additions don't really help. Here's a real size orbital mode navball sphere: Lots and lots of white lines crossing each other with little to no spearation between them. And it's not the worst part. I zoomed in on the screenshot to take this, but it didn't make anything better - can you tell, at a glance, what's in the circle? I can't. I even went for a comparison with KSP1 and huh, who would've guessed... While only slightly larger (it could've been me, it's an old screenshot) and everything is clear and easy to read. Sorry to say, but KSP2 is a regression. And you had such great ideas during development: It's as clean as day and even has hints where other attitude markers are, it's glorious. And it followed on the entire interface, I believe, even with few hiccups (the LCD font in places etc) it was one of your best yet. Same with VAB. Nice, clean modern design, smooth iconography, perfect for a space age game You even had the same or very similar icons in the interface in the last 4 years, but decided to pixelify them. Shame. Please note I'm not talking about layout - it's fine with me. Forgot to mention that the iconography gets even worse in map/tracking station while zooming in or out... Good luck targeting the moon. Of course, Only fixing the scaling would help, but the smoother icons would look so much nicer. All in all, it would be for the better if the retro pixely style was gone and sent to where it belongs - in the museum. Give us the Dragon, not the Starliner (that never went anywhere) Ease of use. Deleting parts in VAB. There are few days around it, Del button, or dropping them into part picker. However, the dropping, which is what I use the most, comes with one problem. It can only be done in few places: Drop them elsewhere, and you either close the part category, or pick another part. Annoying. Better explanation or refinement of saving system. I got that fairly quickly but there are still many people who don't and have a hard time grasping the idea of workspaces. I know that what you save in VAB is a workspace (read as: a document, and it's what you're opening with editor of choice) and below that a vehicle (a page or paragraph) that you choose to launch directly from launchpad/runway. Overriding saving a document under the same name will make you lose the content saved previously, that's obvious - but not clearly explained in the game when it looks like this Save vehicle, then it shows saved vehicles, but they're not actually vehicles but workspaces... You get the idea. It's all over the place. Now onto the other thing.. That orbital info... there isn't enough info to be actually useful. And I'd rather not switch between seeing AP/PE and inclination/whateverelse. Plus relative inclination to target, angle from prograde... All those need their own space together. But I picked this particular screenshot because it has one problem - the timer ends at 6 hours (Kerbin day). If your AP/PE is more than 6 hours away because you're in very high orbit... you won't know it from there. Also, the window titles.. look like some dev variables. But I think that's it for now. More reading in: https://forum.kerbalspaceprogram.com/topic/219151-can-we-talk-about-accessibility/ https://forum.kerbalspaceprogram.com/topic/220482-why-has-the-ui-to-be-so-ugly https://forum.kerbalspaceprogram.com/topic/210240-the-new-ui-for-ksp2-improvements-and-regressions-from-previous-concepts/ (this one is even from before release, right after EA announcement)

That isn't good. Unfortunately, until she hits rock bottom and sees the need for help, there's not much those around her can do to help. But there's a little bit of hope. Let me explain: I have PTSD, depression, and high-performing anxiety, and because they are all friends and needed a new playmate, they brought in OCD for giggles and grins. It took me to the point where nothing made sense; I was mad at myself, in the middle of another "life crisis" (I went from one of these to the other), and there was always agitation under the surface. Your sister sounds like she's close to this stage now. I am no expert in psychology, but I can tell you what I went through. Maybe this will help you understand what your sister may be thinking and feeling: The outward anger and hostility were because I felt I should better control things in my life, but I wasn't. Many things I thought were wrong in my life weren't apparent to anyone else but me. And I could not understand how they could feel things were fine when they were not. So, whenever someone would ask me why I was mad, I'd lash out rather than explain what I was going through. Why should I? In my mind, if they could not see it for themselves, what good would it do for me to explain it to them? The outward anger was also driven by seeing other people "happy, happy!" and wondering why I could not be like that. Some folks seem to have the ability to get hit in the face with a shovel (metaphorically speaking), laugh it off, get up, and go about their day, never even bothered by it. Then there was me; I was depressed, and the lack of enjoyment or the joy of a typical day just ate at my very soul. It made me even angrier and more depressed and fed the ill feelings I already had. The outward anger is also driven by being misunderstood by others. A lot of people around me had no idea what I was going through and would often say stuff that I took (because of my depression) wrong. Sure, some of it was dumb statements, such as, "Snap out of it" or "You've got so much going for you." But when you are buried in depression, your perception of those around you and perceptions about yourself -- you do not see it. All you see are those kinds of comments being critical of you. So, you resent the helpful comments and gestures, even those made in good faith. One of the best things you can do is to let her know you're there, but don't push or back so far away you become unapproachable. Buy her favorite snack food, soda, or other trinkets/gifts as an "I care" gift. It will be met with distrust, skepticism, and questions (and probably anger). But keep doing it, make it unpredictable, and be polite. Eventually, she will let you in. It will not be an easy thing to do. Her self-isolation is a part of her pain from the depression. Her acting out towards the rest of the family resembles a hurt animal striking out against its rescuer. For about four years, I volunteered for both the university's and community college's mental first aid team - and I am the faculty member that as soon as there's a report of a student thinking of suicide, I come to talk to the student. So far, there's been three occasions in the last two years to use my training, unfortunately. I'm good at it because I sank to that point in my life in 2004; I was lucky enough that a good friend kept reaching out and didn't back off, regardless of how nasty and mean I got. I am no psychoanalyst, just a guy who has lived that life. Don't hesitate to involve a family therapist, even if she doesn't go. They will give you and your parents powerful tools to deal with the situation.

Sufficiently spaced out network of individual habitats and evacuations of threatened ones. I.e. how we manage predictable disasters here on Earth right now. Hurricane heading towards Florida? Evacuate. Volcano getting ready to erupt under Grindavik? Evacuate. Asteroid on course to hit Hellas City? Evacuate. There has been a lot of talk about potential methods to deflect threatening asteroids. The problem is that all the feasible ones have to be implemented a long time before inevitability of impact becomes apparent. That means sufficient funding is unlikely to be allocated in time to be effective. Improving technology will eventually change that, but there is still a long way to go.

My sister's a nihilistic ass who hates anything to do with anything. And she is perhaps the worst person to be in a car with. And I had to be with her for two hours talking about "how we should all just kill ourselves" and "I'm too stupid to get a job". She's NOT stupid, far from it in fact, she just refused to put in the work to find opportunities and now she's taking it all out on us. Not that I can say anything. She yells at me, locks herself in her room, and then comes out an hour later with a phony apology. And then the cycle repeats. Sorry to rant to a bunch of strangers on the internet, I just feel you all are the only people I can talk about this to.

SHREK Written by William Steig & Ted Elliott SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END SHREK THE THIRD Written by Peter Seaman, Jeffrey Price, Chris Miller & Aron Warner Final Screening Script INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane. PRINCE CHARMING Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming. Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience. GINGERBREAD MAN This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre. PINOCCHIO Me too. Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie. Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower. PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey! He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose. A Princess leans from a tower window. ACTRESS Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith. Prince Charming puffs his chest out. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2. PRINCE CHARMING Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King. An old couple at a table look confused. OLD LADY (to old man) What did she say? Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer. FAIRYTALE CREATURES (CHEERING) Woooo hoooo!!! GINGERBREAD MAN Yea! Shrek! At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster. PRINCE CHARMING Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake. WAITER (SINGING) Happy Birthday to thee. PRINCE CHARMING Do you mind? Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade. GINGERBREAD MAN Do you mind? Bo-ring! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3. The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple. PRINCE CHARMING (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare foul beast- Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience. PRINCE CHARMING (shaking his sword again) Someday you'll be sorry. HECKLER (O.S.) We already are! They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse and exits. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4. PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy. He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't. Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high. PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne! A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) And this time, no one will stand in my way! In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd. Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists. EXT. CASTLE - MORNING The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up. SHREK Good morning. FIONA Good morning. (DREAMY) Oh... morning breath... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5. Shrek breathes in and smiles. SHREK (DREAMY) I know. Isn't it wonderful? The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes. DONKEY (SINGING) "Good morning! Good morning!" Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused. Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain as he enters the room. DONKEY (SINGING) "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning. (coming closer and closer TO SHREK) "To you!" (TO SHREK) "And you!" (TO DRONKEY) And you! The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path. DONKEY Oh, they grow up so fast. Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys. SHREK Not fast enough. Puss leaps onto the bed. PUSS Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6. SHREK Great! Let's get started. Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore. DONKEY C'mon, lazy bones, time to get movin'! Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is surprised to see Shrek's bare legs. DONKEY Aaahhh! You know you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies. Shrek sighs. CUT TO: INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church. Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous. Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek starts to knight the knight. SHREK I knight thee... Shrek accidentally stabs the knight. SHREK He-he. Ooh. The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7. EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. CUT TO: INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them. DONKEY Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek please? Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow. RAUL (AHEM) I will see what I can do. He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked. FIONA Ow! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8. Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps. DONKEY Oh! Puss rolls his eyes. PUSS Yeah, wow. Fiona is uncomfortable. FIONA Uh, is this really necessary? RAUL (TO SHREK) Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. SHREK I'm Shrek, you twit. RAUL Whatever. PUSS Okay peoples! This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle. DONKEY Smiles everyone, smiles! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9. Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood. SHREK I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. FIONA I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Yeah. FIONA You look handsome. SHREK Ah. Come here, you. She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air. SHREK Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit! Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail. SHREK Oh. (WHISTLE) Hey you. Come here! A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek. SHREK What's your name? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10. FIDDLESWORTH Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir. SHREK Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect. INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona. MASTER OF CEREMONIES Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt. SHREK You've done it. Oh, a little over to the left, yeah. That's great. FIONA Uh Shrek? Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention. SHREK Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it! Oh that's good! FIONA Shrek... SHREK Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You got it. You're on it. That's great! FIONA SHREK! Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming. DONKEY Ow!! My eye! My eye! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11. As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd. WOMAN What are you doing? The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona. SHREK Fiona! He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him. FIDDLESWORTH Uhhh... (WIMPER) Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor. SHREK Are you okay? FIONA Yeah. I'm fine. Fiona's eyes suddenly widen. Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers. FIDDLESWORTH Ahhhh! The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. DONKEY Oh! Shrimp! My favorite. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. CRASH! BANG! CUT TO BLACK: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The door to Fiona's room flies open. SHREK That's it! We're leaving! Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face. FIONA Honey, please calm down... Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside. SHREK Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona and I never will be. Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to Donkey. DONKEY I think that went pretty well. Shrek startles. SHREK Donkey! Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door. DONKEY Aww, come on now Shrek! Shrek slams the door shut. Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on his pillow. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13. PUSS Some people just don't understand boundaries. Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the blinds. Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries to calm him down. FIONA Just think... a couple more days, and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath and exhales. He smiles. SHREK Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled." FIONA And, uh... maybe even the pitter- patter of little feet on the floor...? SHREK (LAUGHS) That's right. The swamp rats will be spawning. FIONA Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat. SHREK Donkey? FIONA No, Shrek. Um... what if - THEORETICALLY - SHREK Yeah? FIONA They were little ogre feet? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14. SHREK Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed. He slowly emerges from behind the bed. SHREK Honey? Let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop and they cry and then they cry when they poop and they poop when they cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry and they extra poop. FIONA Shrek. She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes. FIONA Don't you ever think about having a family? Shrek takes her hand. SHREK Right now, you're my family. There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open, revealing a Royal Page. Shrek springs up. SHREK Well, somebody better be dying. CUT TO: INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing. KING HAROLD I'm dying. The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King's aid and he settles down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15. QUEEN Harold. KING HAROLD Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs. QUEEN Of course darling. The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter. KING HAROLD Fiona... FIONA Yes Daddy? KING HAROLD I know I've made many mistakes with you. FIONA It's okay. KING HAROLD But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek. KING HAROLD My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. SHREK And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King Dad in-law. Shrek smiles. KING HAROLD Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo... The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops. They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat. PUSS The Frog King is dead. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16. Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing. DONKEY (TO PUSS) Put your hat back on, fool. KING HAROLD Shrek, please come hither. Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King. SHREK Yeah, Dad? KING HAROLD This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. SHREK Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer. SHREK Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King? I don't think that's such a good idea. There's got to be somebody else. Anybody? KING HAROLD Aside from you there is only one remaining heir. Shrek brightens. SHREK Really!? Who is he, Dad? KING HAROLD His name is... is... is... SHREK What's his name? What's his name? KING HAROLD ...is ... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17. Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate. FIONA Daddy! The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on. KING HAROLD (chewing the fly) His name is Arthur. SHREK Arthur? KING HAROLD (COUGH) I know you'll do what's... (EXHALING) riiiight... He succumbs. The King really is dead now. QUEEN Harold!? SHREK Dad? Dad? Dad? Donkey bows his head. DONKEY Do your thing, man. Puss takes his hat off. Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. DISSOLVE TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up the shops on Rodeo Drive. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the flag is lowered to half-masked. EXT. POND - LATER Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen, and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out into the water. An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly. Shrek puts his arm around Fiona. The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse. Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen sadly gazes at the pond. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and rides off. CUT TO: EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19. INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson. The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs. Prince Charming enters the bar. A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming. Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White) playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck. Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool, and sits. Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat. PRINCE CHARMING What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench. PRINCE CHARMING Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. He winks at her. She glares at him. PRINCE CHARMING Where's Doris, taking the night off? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20. MABEL She's not welcome here and neither are you. She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel. MABEL (CONT'D) What do you want, Charming? PRINCE CHARMING Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... (LAUGHS) And a Fuzzy Navel. Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons. PRINCE CHARMING And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug. CAPTAIN HOOK We're not your friends. Prince Charming grows nervous. The Villains all approach Prince Charming. From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar. PRINCE CHARMING Ahh! Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck. CAPTAIN HOOK You don't belong here. PRINCE CHARMING You're right; oh, I mean you're absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? CYCLOPS Do a number on his face! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21. PRINCE CHARMING No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen. PRINCE CHARMING Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened? EVIL QUEEN Oh, what's it to you? PRINCE CHARMING They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? EVIL QUEEN Pretty unfair. Prince Charming begins to work the crowd. PRINCE CHARMING And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. PUPPET MASTER I hate that little wooden puppet. Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook. PRINCE CHARMING And Hook... Prince Charming looks down at the hook. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) ... Need I say more? Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage. PRINCE CHARMING And you! Frumpypigskin. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Rumplestiltskin. PRINCE CHARMING Where's that first-born you were promised, hey? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22. Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm. Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel. PRINCE CHARMING Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Mabel sighs. PRINCE CHARMING Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong. Prince Charming now has everyone's attention. PRINCE CHARMING Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. The crowd listens, rapt. PRINCE CHARMING So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?! The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink. CUT TO: EXT. DOCKS - DUSK The camera booms down from the lighthouse. BLIND MOUSE #1 This way gents. The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they set off to retrieve Arthur. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23. On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat. PUSS It's out of my hands senorita, the winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) As are you... Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) And you. Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs away from them and into another. PUSS (CONT'D) And, uh... hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I gotta go. Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets out a soft wail. DONKEY I know, I know... I don't want to leave you either baby, but you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. She gives him an understanding smile. DONKEY But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses everyday! He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his children, holding back tears. DONKEY Alright, be strong babies! Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to Mama, alright? And Bananas, no more roastin' marshmallows on your sister's head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24. Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze. DONKEY Ah, that's my special boy. Oh, come over here, all of you. Give your Daddy a big hug! The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy. The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey and the others. Fiona nervously takes in a breath. FIONA Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be King. SHREK Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur's the perfect choice. FIONA It's not that. No. It's, you see... SHREK (CONT'D) And if he gives me any trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason. (holds up his right fist) Here's persuasion, (holds up his left fist) and here's reason. Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her. SHREK Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you and me and our swamp. FIONA (HESITANT) It's not going to be just you and me. The ship's fog horn sounds. SHIP CAPTAIN All aboard! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25. SHREK It will be. I promise. I love you. He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat. He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You Daddy" with smoke in the sky. FAIRYTALE CREATURES Awwwwwwwww! PIG #1 That's lovely. Donkey waves to his kids, sobs. DONKEY Bye bye babies! Fiona runs after the boat. FIONA Shrek! Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her. SHREK Yeah? FIONA Wait! SHREK What is it? She smiles and takes a deep breath. FIONA I'm, I'm- The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek smiles back at her. SHREK (LAUGHS) I love you too honey! FIONA No... No, I said I'm pr- Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26. The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn and throws it overboard. SHREK You're what?! FIONA I said I'm pregnant! The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer. SHREK (doesn't want to believe HIS EARS) Uh... what was that? FIONA You're going to be a father! SHREK (NERVOUS LAUGH) That's great. FIONA Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you. Shrek smiles back at Fiona. SHREK Yeah... (NERVOUS LAUGH) Me too... you... Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing. DONKEY I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an Uncle! PUSS Oh, and you my friend are royally-- The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27. EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself. Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door. SHREK Ahhh. Home. He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of Shrek's swamp house. He leaps off the boat. SHREK Woohoo! EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air. SHREK Ahh. He skips and dances happily toward his house. FIONA (O.S.) Shrek!? SHREK Ooo. (LAUGHS) INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed, presenting himself. SHREK Fiona! After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there. SHREK Fiona? He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28. A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him. SHREK Huh? Oh no. The baby burps. SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha! OGRE BABY Hiccup! This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his hands. SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It's okay. It's gonna be alright. Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies. OGRE BABY Da-Da! Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron. SHREK Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya? No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No. Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29. INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom. SHREK Huh? He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs. OGRE BABY Bubabatoo? Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in. Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind. INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school. Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself. SHREK Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake- up! Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30. DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da! A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and Puss wake up. SHREK Ahhhh! He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself. DONKEY Shrek. Shrek, are you okay? SHREK Oh... I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing. SHREK How did this happen? PUSS Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him... SHREK I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. Shrek walks away. Donkey leans over to Puss. DONKEY How does it happen? Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey. CUT TO: Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend. DONKEY (SINGING) And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31. DONKEY (CONT'D) Little boy blue and the man in the moon. Shrek rolls his eyes. DONKEY (CONT'D) "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when, But we'll get together then, Dad-" Shrek cuts Donkey off. SHREK Donkey, can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing and whispers into Shrek's other ear. PUSS You know I love Fiona, Boss. Right? (CONFIDENTIALLY) But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice- cold pitcher of mojitos, and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to whisper in Shrek's other ear. DONKEY Man, don't you listen to him. Having a baby is not going to ruin your life. SHREK It's not my life I'm worried about ruining. It's the kid's. Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants. SHREK I mean...when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre" or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or how `bout..."you're gonna' love my dad...he's a real ogre." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32. DONKEY Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out. SHREK That's true. He thinks for a moment. SHREK I'm doomed. DONKEY You'll be fine. SHIP CAPTAIN You're finished. Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat. SHIP CAPTAIN Uh, with your journey. He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a nearby bluff. CUT TO: EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle. Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance. DONKEY Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that sounds fancy. SHREK It's Worcestershire. DONKEY Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's spicy! The drawbridge to the castle lowers. DONKEY Oohh! They must be expecting us. They start over the drawbridge. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33. A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek. DONKEY What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Shrek suddenly looks concerned. SHREK Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. DONKEY High school?! EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS A group of cheerleaders practice. CHEERLEADERS Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou headed, to the top? Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay we thinks not! We thinks not! Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as he walks through the courtyard. FEMALE STUDENT #1 Ahhhhh! The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked. A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution - Student Driver." DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR All right Mr. Percival, just ease up on the reigns- The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen. Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage. VAN STUDENT (cough, cough) For lo bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34. DONKEY I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! PUSS But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants? DONKEY Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that. He notices two female students discussing their love lives. GUINEVERRE So then I was all like "I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you." TIFFANY Eh, totally. Shrek approaches them. SHREK Pardon me... They flee in terror. GUINEVERRE Eh! Totally ew-th! TIFFANY Yeah, totally! A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board game. GARY Yes! I just altered my character level to plus three superbability. SHREK Hi, we're looking for someone named- GARY Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork" spell and summoned the beast and his quadrupeds. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35. XAVIER Ha! Ha! (SNORT) Ah! The students panics when his nose starts to bleed. SHREK I know you're busy "not fitting in" but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur? While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points towards the athletic field. GARY He's over there. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed. He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge. Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the charge. It's an exciting back and forth. Hooves pound on sand. The Knight's eyes steady. The horse rears majestically. The opponent's eyes widen in fear. The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey. Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys his victory. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek turns to Puss. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36. SHREK Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a King or what? Shrek steps forward. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Ow. Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back. SHREK Oh. Sorry. The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out where he hit the ground. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Did you just say you were looking for Arthur? Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around. PUSS That information is on a need to know basis. DONKEY It's top secret, huexcrementsy hush. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA The Knight commands his troops. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Now gentlemen let's away... to the showers! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek approaches the Knight. The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37. SHREK (CONT'D) Greetings your majesty. This is your lucky day. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? SHREK Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant leprechaun... You made a funny. Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder, ogre-style. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Unhand me, monster! SHREK Stop squirming, Arthur. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) I'm not Arthur! Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot tries to regain his dignity. LANCELOT I am Lancelot. Lancelot points across the school yard. LANCELOT That dork over there is Arthur! He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the school yard. SHREK Hey! Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking. Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground. LANCELOT Aaah. Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38. GUINEVERRE Ahem! This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly... The other girls giggle. GUINEVERRE And she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something... SHREK Uh, excuse me? GUINEVERRE It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff. She pops her gum. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie. SHREK Oh Arthur! Come out, come out wherever you are... Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing. DONKEY Yeah, you better run, you little punk no good-niks, `cause the days of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers" are over! An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a HALL MONITOR who stops them. HALL MONITOR Hold it... Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39. COSTUME STUDENT 1 We're here for the Mascot Contest. COSTUME STUDENT 2 Grrrrr! The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea. SHREK (pleased with himself) We're here for the Mascot Contest too. The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain. HALL MONITOR (SUSPICIOUS) This is a costume? SHREK (RECOVERING) Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night long! The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still suspicious. HALL MONITOR Looks pretty real to me. PUSS If it were real could I do this? Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt. DONKEY Or this? Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs. Shrek winces and sweats. SHREK (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED) He's right! If it were real that would have been agonizingly painful! DONKEY Now watch this.... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40. SHREK (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) That's quite enough boys. INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire student body. He speaks through a megaphone. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Thank you to Professor Primbottom for his invigorating lecture on how to just say "nay". Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed up like a dragon and the other as a griffin. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah to the winner of our "New Mascot" contest... the-- Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D) --ogre? The students gasp as Shrek marches forward. SHREK That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys... at whatever it is they're doing. The band plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star." PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY This is indeed all a bit unorthodox. Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's megaphone. SHREK Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41. The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh. In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort. LANCELOT Classic. Donkey turns to Lancelot. DONKEY You should be ashamed of yourself. LANCELOT I didn't do it. They did. Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again. Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level. ARTIE Please don't eat me. STUDENTS (CHANTING) Eat him! Eat him! Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Eat him! Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop. SHREK I'm not here to eat him. STUDENTS AWWW. SHREK It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. ARTIE What? The students react with surprise and disbelief. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42. LANCELOT Artie a King? More like the Mayor of Loserville. BOHORT Nice one Lance! They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha. LANCELOT Burn. Everyone laughs. ARTIE Is this for real? SHREK Absolutely. Now clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run. ARTIE So wait, I'm really the only heir? Shrek pauses for just a moment, then... SHREK The one and only. ARTIE Give me just a second. Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt speech. ARTIE My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Because maybe, just maybe... this guy's gonna turn out to be, uh...I dunno...a King! And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him -- that's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team. Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43. ARTIE And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always loved you. GUINEVERRE Ew. ARTIE Well good friends, it breaks my heart, but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby! SHREK Alright, let's not overdo it. ARTIE I'm building my city people! On Rock and Roll! SHREK You just overdid it. Shrek shoves the kid through the door. ARTIE Ow! Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - DAY All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at her. PRINCESSES (GASP) Oh! SNOW WHITE Look at you! RAPUNZEL Wow! SNOW WHITE You look darling! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44. SLEEPING BEAUTY Just precious! Look at her! RAPUNZEL So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant? Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on. FIONA (MOUTH FULL) No, no, not at all. She takes another bite. FIONA Do you smell ham? SNOW WHITE (SINGING) Oooh! It's present time! The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed. CINDERELLA Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front. Fiona reads the card. FIONA (READING) "Congratulations on your new mess maker..." Oh, `mess maker.' (LAUGHS) "Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella." Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper- scooper. PRINCESSES Oooo! Aaaah! DORIS Will you look at that! SLEEPING BEAUTY What is it? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45. CINDERELLA It's for the poopies. SLEEPING BEAUTY Eww. Wait, babies poop? RAPUNZEL Everyone poops Beauty. The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited. PIG #2 Fiona... PIG #1 Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present too. PIGS Yah! Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with Gingerbread Man inside. GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO Ta dah! PRINCESSES Oooh. GINGERBREAD MAN You know the baby's gonna love it because I do! FIONA Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Fiona turns to another present. FIONA Who's this one from? SNOW WHITE I got you the biggest one because I love you the most. The other girls scowl at her. FIONA (reading the card) "Have one on me, love Snow White" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46. Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf. FIONA (CONFUSED) Umm... what is it? SNOW WHITE Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby- sitter. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? FIONA You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. SNOW WHITE Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home. FIONA What does he do? CINDERELLA The cleaning. SNOW WHITE The feeding. NANNY DWARF The burping. FIONA So what are Shrek and I supposed to do? RAPUNZEL Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage. FIONA Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's that supposed to mean? RAPUNZEL Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. Cinderella prods beauty. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47. SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING) Huh? You're tired all the time... SNOW WHITE You'll start letting yourself go... GINGERBREAD MAN Stretch marks! RAPUNZEL Say goodbye to romance. Dragon puts her head through the window. DRAGON Yort. FIONA Um sorry... but how many of you have kids? Doris wedges herself in on the couch. DORIS She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me! Fiona smiles. FIONA Well, when he first found out...Shrek said- DRAGON Roarrr! CUT TO: EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle with one of the witches. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Onward my new friends. (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) To our happily ever afters! Ha ha ha ha ha! A bug flies into his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh! Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Now, bombs away! From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks. The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards Rodeo Drive. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People are diving out of her way. The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in terror. EVIL TREES Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback. CAPTAIN HOOK Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. MOTHER His name's not Peter! CAPTAIN HOOK Shut it, Wendy! MOTHER Ahhh! Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop. They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into "Ye Olde HOOTERS." The excited patrons race back in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49. An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee. Another Villain throws a cart through a store window. Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs. CYCLOPS Ha, ha, ha, ha! The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick flying down Rodeo Drive. PRINCE CHARMING Enough pillaging! To the castle! Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains up to the castle. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her. Fiona runs to the window. The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She struggles. DRAGON Roarrrr! CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door. The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other furniture in front of the door. The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace themselves against the furniture. GINGERBREAD MAN (TO FIONA) You go and take care of the baby! The Princesses panic. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50. SNOW WHITE Everybody stay calm. We're all going to die! Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down. SNOW WHITE (WHIMPER) Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side, revealing an underground passageway. FIONA Everyone in! Now. INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming commands the Villains. PRINCE CHARMING C'mon. Put some back into it people! The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops rides the tree like a mechanical bull. CYCLOPS Yee-haw! Ow. INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The door is starting to give way. FIONA We don't have time. Now go! QUEEN Quickly ladies! The Princesses go down the stairs. GINGERBREAD MAN We'll hold them off as long as we can! BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open. Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51. PRINCE CHARMING Where are Shrek and Fiona? GINGERBREAD MAN Name doesn't ring a bell. PIG #1 Yah! PIG #2 No bell! The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea. PRINCE CHARMING I suggest you freaks cooperate with the new King of Far Far Away. GINGERBREAD MAN The only thing you're ever gonna be King of is "King of the Stupids." Prince Charming snaps his fingers. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! CAPTAIN HOOK Right! Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man. CAPTAIN HOOK Avast, ye cookie! He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin. CAPTAIN HOOK Start talkin'! Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out. A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes. INT. BAKERY - DAY A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born. MUFFIN MAN Gingy! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52. GINGERBREAD MAN Papa! INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY Gingerbread Man is attending school. TEACHER Settle down, now. Gingerbread Man graduates. EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down. INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and wife. INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his legs. INT. GYM - DAY Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his rehabilitation. EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53. GINGERBREAD MAN (SINGING) "On the Good Ship Lollypop, It's a sweet trip, To the candy shop, Where the Bon Bons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.." Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him. PRINCE CHARMING You! You can't lie. So tell me puppet... Where is Shrek?! Pinocchio thinks. PINOCCHIO (NERVOUS) Well, I don't know where he's not. Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face. PRINCE CHARMING You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? Pinocchio is still a little nervous. PINOCCHIO It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand. PRINCE CHARMING So you do know where he is! PINOCCHIO On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less, not definitely rejecting the idea, that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that... PRINCE CHARMING Stop it. PINOCCHIO (CONT'D) ...I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54. Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated. PINOCCHIO If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song." PIG #1 Oh, enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! Oh! The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously. PRINCE CHARMING He's bringing back the next heir? PINOCCHIO No! Pinocchio's nose grows. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! Get rid of this new "King." CAPTAIN HOOK Right! PRINCE CHARMING But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. PINOCCHIO He'll never fall for your tricks! Pinocchio's nose grows again. WOLF Oh boy. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55. ARTIE I can't believe it... me a King? I...I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. He looks out to sea, disbelieving. SHREK Oh no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. Artie smiles. ARTIE Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. SHREK It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. ARTIE Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Shrek chuckles sheepishly. SHREK Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. ARTIE Whoa!! This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles... princesses. DONKEY It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie. PUSS And fortunately you'll have the royal food tasters. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56. ARTIE (INTRIGUED)) Oh yeah? What do they do? PUSS They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. ARTIE Poisoned? Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in. SHREK Or too salty! Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up. DONKEY (TO ARTIE) Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards. ARTIE Body guards? PUSS All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. ARTIE Really? PUSS Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Just make sure they don't die of famine. PUSS Or plague. DONKEY Oh, plague is bad. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57. PUSS The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh. SHREK Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. PUSS What did I say? SHREK We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around. SHREK (CONT'D) Uh, Artie? The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. ALL Whoa! Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain slides by. SHIP CAPTAIN Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip. SHREK Artie! Shrek turns the wheel the other way. SHREK (CONT'D) What are you doing?! The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it. ARTIE What does it look like?! He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58. He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it. SHREK This really isn't up to you! Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the wheel back the other way. ARTIE But I don't know anything about being King! SHREK You'll learn on the job! Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. DONKEY Whoaaa! Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the wheel. They wrestle for control. ARTIE Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! SHREK Back to what? Being a loser?! As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking. SHREK (CONT'D) Now look what you did! ARTIE Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel chief? Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead. DONKEY (SWALLOWING; THEN SHOUTING) Shrek! Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59. The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat crash into the rocks. SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.) Land ho! EXT. BEACH - DUSK Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach. He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek drops Puss and Donkey. Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame. PUSS How humiliating... SHREK Oh, nice going, Your Highness. ARTIE Oh, so now it's "Your highness?" What happened to "loser?" Huh? SHREK Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father! Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek uncomfortably. ARTIE What? DONKEY (clearing his throat) A-hem. You just said father... SHREK You're... I said king. You're gonna be King! ARTIE (IMITATING SHREK) "You're gonna be King!" Yeah right. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60. Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a path into the woods. SHREK Where do you think you're going? ARTIE Far Far Away... from you! SHREK You get back here young man and I mean it! Artie keeps climbing. PUSS Uh boss, I don't think he's coming back and maybe it's for the best. He is not exactly king material. Shrek looks towards Artie. DONKEY When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be King? SHREK Oh c'mon, now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek. DONKEY Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then you're gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid. Beat. SHREK You're right, Donkey. Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood. SHREK What about this? Donkey shakes his head in disgust. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61. DONKEY Shrek! Shrek tosses the log. SHREK Oh c'mon. It's just a joke. (LAUGHS) Still... Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie. EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER Artie marches up the mountain trail. Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic with the kid. He catches up to Artie. SHREK Listen Artie... Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just keeps going. SHREK (CONT'D) If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby. Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a cottage in the distance and heads toward it. SHREK I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-- Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch, striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the door. ARTIE SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! SHREK Artie! Wait! Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp. ARTIE C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help! Hello? Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified. DONKEY AHHHH! WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Greetings cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle! Shrek watches. WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare ... With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears. The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out. MERLIN I knew I should of gotten that warranty! Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and is promptly zapped in the head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63. MERLIN AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. ARTIE Mr. Merlin? SHREK You know this guy? ARTIE Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher until he had his nervous breakdown. MERLIN Uh, technically I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue, and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head. Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment. MERLIN Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? SHREK Uh, no. Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks. MERLIN Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin? Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding from eating rocks. MERLIN It's organic! They both stare at him uncomfortably. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64. SHREK Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away. ARTIE What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you? SHREK Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of people counting on you so don't try and weasel out of it. ARTIE If it's such a great job, why don't you do it? SHREK Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out! ARTIE Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice Guy?" SHREK I know, and I'm gonna miss him. ARTIE You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone? SHREK Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there. (TO MERLIN) Now which way am I kicking? MERLIN Oh, I could tell you. But since you're in the midst of self- destructive rage spiral it would be karmic-ly irresponsible. SHREK Self-destructive ra... (TO MERLIN) Look, are you gonna help us or not? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65. MERLIN Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul. SHREK Yeah, I don't think so. MERLIN Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it. SHREK Alright, alright... journey to the soul... CUT TO: EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER A fire blazes. Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares. MERLIN Now all of you, look into the "Fire of Truth" and tell me what you see! Yah! Ha! (Wild war cry) Woo-looo-looo-looo! He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e. Rorschach inkblots). Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire. DONKEY Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls. MERLIN Okay. Monster, go for it. Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away. He covers his fear and changes the subject. SHREK I see a rainbow pony. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66. MERLIN Excellent work! (THEN) Now! The boy! ARTIE This is lame. Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head. ARTIE Ow! MERLIN You're lame! Now just go for it. He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it. ARTIE Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to change as he stays focused. MERLIN Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it! ARTIE Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more worked up. ARTIE It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It.. it's gonna fall! Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him, stunned. MERLIN Whew, proper head case you are, aren't you? Really messed up. Whoa. Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67. ARTIE Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie. Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists. SHREK (CLEARS THROAT) Look Artie...um- Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the shack where Merlin peeks out. MERLIN (loud, over the music) Just thought I might help set the mood! Y'know for your big heart to heart chat! Everyone stares at him. He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's quiet again. SHREK I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Artie looks at him. SHREK Even ogres get scared...you know, once in a while. ARTIE I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright? Shrek takes this in. ARTIE (CONT'D) Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and I never heard from him again. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68. SHREK My dad wasn't really the fatherly type either. ARTIE Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. SHREK Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Artie looks at Shrek. SHREK Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. Artie chuckles at this. ARTIE Okay... I guess that's... pretty bad. Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire. SHREK You know, it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. Artie looks up at Shrek. SHREK (CONT'D) But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and you just trust who you are. Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment. ARTIE You know, you're okay, Shrek. He tosses the stick into the fire. ARTIE You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69. SHREK Thanks Artie. ARTIE The soap's because you stink. Really bad. SHREK Yeah. I got that. The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the fire continues to burn. CUT TO: INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs below the castle. They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading the way, holding a torch. CINDERELLA Oh this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo. Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check. SNOW WHITE I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me. Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up. SLEEPING BEAUTY Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow. SNOW WHITE Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land. RAPUNZEL You mean in that rigged election? SNOW WHITE Oh, give me a break. (gesturing toward hair) (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70. SNOW WHITE (cont'd) "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!" QUEEN Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together. Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look. Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other Princesses follow. SNOW WHITE So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot. FIONA No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to. DORIS I know he's a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit, that Charming makes me hotter than July. SLEEPING BEAUTY Ew! RAPUNZEL Ugh. Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for. FIONA That's it! Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard. EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS They peer around a corner and see the construction of an outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower. The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by. Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the Princesses to follow her. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71. RAPUNZEL Come on, this way! FIONA Rapunzel. Wait! Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the arm. FIONA Charming, let go of her. A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them. Prince Charming smiles at Fiona. PRINCE CHARMING But why would I want to do that? RAPUNZEL Grrrr! PRINCE CHARMING Woof! He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked. FIONA What? PRINCE CHARMING Say hello ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Cinderella claps excitedly. CINDERELLA Yaaaaaaaaay! The Princesses stare her down. FIONA Rapunzel, how could you? RAPUNZEL Jealous much? Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72. PRINCE CHARMING Soon you'll be back where you started... scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week. RAPUNZEL But Pooky, you promised you wouldn't hurt them! PRINCE CHARMING Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us, we have a show to put on. FIONA Shrek will be back soon Charming, and you'll be sorry. He stops and flashes a sadistic smile. PRINCE CHARMING Sorry? Don't you realize --once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away he's doomed? Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat. The guards march them off. Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell. Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless. CUT TO: EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head, looking around. He realizes it's morning. Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly, the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off. Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up everyone. The trees start to advance toward Shrek. The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73. ARTIE Ow! The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally wakes up. DONKEY Ahhh! The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano. The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns away from his keys and faces them. DONKEY Look out! They've got a piano! CAPTAIN HOOK Kill `em all. Except the fat one. He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic. CAPTAIN HOOK King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. Shrek is perplexed. SHREK "King Charming?" CAPTAIN HOOK Attack! Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches. PIRATES AAAARGH! One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground. The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the side. One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie. SHREK Artie, Duck! Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts Artie above his head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74. Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look. A pirate charges Donkey. DONKEY Ahhh! Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate, protecting Donkey. CAPTAIN HOOK Ha-ha! Argh! PIRATES Argh! Argh! The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and rudely elbows Merlin out of the way. A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The pirate bounces off Shrek's belly. CAPTAIN HOOK Ready the plank! A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank. Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the lid on him. Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains. Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss, Donkey and Artie up in a net. The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut through the netting. The cannon fuse is lit. Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the chest still stuck to his behind. DONKEY Shrek! ARTIE Help! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75. Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest. He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second, Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction. The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it into pieces. Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates take off running. Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes his hook in the air. CAPTAIN HOOK Ya cowards! SHREK What has Charming done with Fiona? CAPTAIN HOOK She's gonna get what's coming to her. He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the Villains. CAPTAIN HOOK Ahhh. (YELLING BACK) And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to him now. Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek. PUSS We've got to save her! DONKEY But she's so far far away! Shrek thinks for a moment. SHREK Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76. ARTIE No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie approaches him. MERLIN (CHANTING) I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz, buzz... ARTIE Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to get them...I mean, us, back to Far Far Away. Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his eye at Artie. MERLIN (GETTING UP) Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic. Artie tries a new approach. ARTIE Mr. Merlin please. I know you can DO IT- MERLIN I said, forget it! ARTIE BUT- Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his breath. MERLIN (CONT'D) Mumble, grumble, interrupt my healing. Mumble, mumble. Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts to sob. Merlin stops and turns around. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77. MERLIN Oh. What, what's with you? Artie continues to cry. ARTIE It's just so hard. You know? They really need to get back `cause their kingdom's in trouble `cause there's a really bad man and it's just so hard... Merlin is visibly uncomfortable. MERLIN C'mon, take it easy. Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable. ARTIE No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people- SHREK Oh, have a heart old man! Artie grabs him, now desperate. ARTIE And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them? MERLIN Oh. Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line. Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do. MERLIN Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my things. Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers. Shrek is impressed. ARTIE Piece of cake. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78. SHREK Well, well, well. You want some eggs with that ham? Shrek smiles. Merlin returns holding a spell book. MERLIN Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. DONKEY Side effects!? MERLIN Don't worry, whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually... I think. Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey. DONKEY Ah! MERLIN Oops. Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look. DONKEY Are you sure this is a good idea? SHREK Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his- MERLIN Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy zoom zoom. Let's help our friends get back, um... soon! Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss, Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke. MERLIN Woah! It worked! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree. DONKEY (moan and groan) Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over. DONKEY (CONT'D) (in Puss' body) Oh man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY (in Puss' body) What? Is there something in my teeth? Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Huh? What the? (GASP) Oh no! Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch. DONKEY (in Puss' body) I've been abracadabra'd into a fancy feasting second rate sidekick. Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in Puss' body). PUSS (in Donkey's body) At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pi�ata. You really should think about going on a diet! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty. Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted to their faces. They burst out laughing. Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, so you two think this is funny? Puss is fuming. Shrek and Artie regain their composure. ARTIE (SNICKERS) I'm really sorry guys. SHREK Don't be! You got us back kid. Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of them. He turns back to Artie. Artie smiles. Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? PUSS Be very careful with those - HEE HAW! Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover. PUSS They were made in Madrid by the finest- HEE HAW! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, you'll learn to control that. TIME CUT TO: EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads "Go Go Away." Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new feet hurt in their tiny boots. DONKEY Seriously man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. (noticing Rodeo Drive) Woah! Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti everywhere. Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down Rodeo Drive. EVIL WITCHES Woohoo!! The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the street. Shrek is shocked by what he sees. A crash is heard off-screen. EVIL DWARF #1 Hey... watch it I'm walking here... and I'm gonna keep going... A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf. A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with Pinocchio dancing in it. SHREK Pinocchio? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82. PINOCCHIO Shrek! Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass. SHREK Pinocchio! PINOCCHIO Help me! SHREK What's happened? PINOCCHIO Charming and the Villains have taken over everything! They attacked us but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's- - The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain goes down. SHREK She's what?! She's what!? Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it costs per show. SHREK (turns to Puss in Donkey's BODY) Puss, loan me five bucks! DONKEY C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help a brother out. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Do you see any pockets on me? DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hold on a second. Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and a bag of money falls onto the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Aha! Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek. PUSS (in Donkey's body) I had no idea ...really ...I swear. Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances. SHREK Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona? PINOCCHIO Charming's got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the SHOWWWW--- The curtain goes down again. SHREK Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What show? Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud. PUSS (reading the poster) It's A Happily Ever After, After All! SHREK Shrek's final performance. The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the ground. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play. SHREK Well I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84. GUARD #1 (O.S.) It's the ogre! Get him! Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Don't worry, Jefe. I got this. He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're staring at a donkey. The guards recoil. GUARD #2 Ugh! Kill it! Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats. Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps forward, confronting the guards. ARTIE Look, don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you? Shrek picks up on his plan. SHREK Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the poster off the wall. ARTIE He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek. SHREK I'm gonna lose it! ARTIE I assume you have everything ready for tonight! You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey marches in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with the jalapeno honey butter cause our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter. SHREK I just lost it! GUARD #1 Uh...Maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the castle. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise! The guards look at each other nervously. CUT TO: INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance number. Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth in the rear of the stage. The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to a Shrek stand in. PRINCE CHARMING (reading his lines from a SCRIPT) With this sword, I do- No. He starts the line over. PRINCE CHARMING With this sword, I do smote thee! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86. Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who falls to the ground. PRINCE CHARMING (TO HIMSELF) ) Is that the right word? "Smote?" "Smooote." Is that even a word actually? Maybe I should just smite him. Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away. PRINCE CHARMING Let's try this again. Now... Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside Prince Charming. PRINCE CHARMING (playing the scene out QUIETLY) Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be afraid. (he fake screams) Ooh!!! Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and chuckles. PRINCE CHARMING I say... (he riffles through pages) "Finally the Kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve, die Ogre", blah, blah, blah... Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground. Prince Charming is still frustrated. PRINCE CHARMING Oh! It just doesn't feel real enough yet! He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the dancing villains who are staring at him. PRINCE CHARMING Who told you to stop dancing?! CYCLOPS Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87. He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in. PRINCE CHARMING And what are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly. Prince Charming storms off. CUT TO: INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles. Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently. PRINCE CHARMING Our happily ever after is nearly complete, mummy. And I assure you, the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second we've had to wait. Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along side him. Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek. SHREK Break a leg. Or, on second thought, let me break it for you. He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his dressing table. Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button under the counter. PRINCE CHARMING Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in... time. Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88. SHREK Where's Fiona? PRINCE CHARMING Don't worry. She and the others are safe. For now. Shrek strengthens his grip. Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey. ARTIE Ow. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming with a thud. Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround Shrek. Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Let me guess... Arthur? Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up. ARTIE It's Artie, actually. PRINCE CHARMING This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to Artie's neck. PRINCE CHARMING How pathetic! Now, stand still so I won't make a mess. Shrek steps in. SHREK Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Artie is confused. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89. ARTIE Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be King, right? Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself. SHREK You weren't really next in line for the throne, okay? I was. ARTIE But you said the King asked for me personally. SHREK Not exactly. ARTIE What's that supposed to mean? Shrek becomes defensive. SHREK Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright! I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill. So just go! Artie is stunned. ARTIE You were playing me the whole time. Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more. SHREK You catch on real fast kid... Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet. ARTIE You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you - PRINCE CHARMING What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90. Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He stares at Shrek one last time and heads out. Shrek lowers his head in shame. PRINCE CHARMING You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM: Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway. EXT. CASTLE GATE: The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily storms away. INT. DUNGEON: Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his chains. He sadly looks out the cell window. INT. PRISON: The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares sorrowfully at the castle in the distance. INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in the same prison cell. Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a shine. Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining. SNOW WHITE Had we just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91. CINDERELLA Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups. SNOW WHITE Eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. CINDERELLA Yeah... loganberries. SNOW WHITE Shut up Cindy. CINDERELLA Yeah, shut up. Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor. CINDERELLA (REFLECTION) No! You shut up! CINDERELLA Just stay out of this! SNOW WHITE Who cares who's running the kingdom anyway? FIONA I care. Fiona steps forward and challenges them. QUEEN And you should all care too. Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind them. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Hey, hey, hey, hey. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and I have your badge number, "TIN CAN-" Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a cat. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92. FIONA (O.S.) Donkey?! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Princess?! FIONA Puss?! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Lo siento, Princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And I'm me! FIONA BUT YOU'RE- DONKEY (in Puss' body) I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now. But what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed, and we got "bippity-bopity-booped" by the "Magic Man." DORIS You poor sweet things. CINDERELLA I don't get it. SNOW WHITE The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING UP) Huh? Who dat? FIONA Where's Shrek? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93. DONKEY Charming's got him, Princess. And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom. Fiona's lets out a breath. FIONA Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now. The Princesses nod in agreement. SNOW WHITE You're right. (to the other Princesses) Ladies, assume the position! Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips. Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs. FIONA What are you doing? SLEEPING BEAUTY Waiting to be rescued. FIONA You have got to be kidding me. SNOW WHITE Well, what do you expect us to do? We're just four... (NOTICES DORIS) I mean, three, super hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady. The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses. QUEEN Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through. She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and lets out a yell. QUEEN Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah! She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona and the Princesses are impressed. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94. PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY Whoa. FIONA Mom!? QUEEN Well, you didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses. Snow White points to another wall behind them. SNOW WHITE Excuse me, I think there's still one more. The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way. QUEEN Hmmmm. The Queen hurries to the other wall. QUEEN Hiiiiyah! It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince. Fiona approaches her mother. The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing softly to herself. FIONA Why don't you just lie down? The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away. Fiona turns to the others. FIONA Okay girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves. Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other Princesses. They nod. Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a Dopey tattoo. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95. Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress. The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a football player). Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper. Doris burns her bra. The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and Donkey's hands come in last. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and taps it on the score in front of him. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All." The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as himself." Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills and are using spears to usher people into their seats. EVIL KNIGHT #1 Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or beverages in the theatre! Hey! The orchestra begins to warm up. EXT. STAGE The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the stage to backstage. INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man. Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains attached to the floor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96. He pulls the chains tight. SHREK Oww, easy. CYCLOPS Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one. SHREK Huh? CYCLOPS It's "Bring your kids to work day." C'mere beautiful. Cyclops motions to the shadows. CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like Cyclops with long hair and skirt. Shrek recoils. SHREK Well... she's got your eye. Cyclops picks her up and embraces her. CYCLOPS Who woulda thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you? They touch foreheads affectionately. Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined look on his face. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal Friends/With A Smile." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97. SNOW WHITE (O.S.) (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa." The birds answer her in song. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha haa." The birds answer again. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha haaaa. Little birdies take wing, flitting down from the trees they appear, and to chirp in my ear." All the forest creatures flock to her. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "All because I sing. Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." More forest creatures flock to Snow White. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." The Evil Trees stare in amazement. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!" Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." SNOW WHITE Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!! All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the Princesses charge forward. FIONA Move it! Go! Go! Go! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98. EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front gates of the Far Far Away Zoo. The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss' body) busts open their cage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) My babies! The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Help! Ow! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hey! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through the lock to open the gates. As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body. Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and over the castle wall. CUT TO: EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out of his marionette theatre. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99. EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case. Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the case. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily creep along the rooftop. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking their path. She gets an idea. The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up to reveal Doris. DORIS Hey. How's it going? She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off running. CUT TO: EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle. Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush. PUSS (in Donkey's body) "O" to the "K." The coast has cleared. Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100. DONKEY (in Puss' body) All right people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!! PINOCCHIO I thought we agreed we would go by the name of "Team Super Cool." GINGERBREAD MAN As I recall it was "Team Awesome." WOLF I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf Squadron." DONKEY Alright! Alright! Alright! From henceforth we are to be known as "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynomite Wolf Squadron." The Three Pigs notice something. PIG #1 Ach to Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Donkey, in Puss' body, turns to look. Artie is staring at the strange crew. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie! Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to stop him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey! Where is the fire, Senor? Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way. ARTIE Oh please, don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on the whole time and you kept it to yourself. Artie starts to storm away. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie, it's not like it seems. ARTIE It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Artie starts to walk off. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Using you? Man, you really don't get it! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Shrek only said those things to protect you! This stops Artie in his tracks. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Charming was going to kill you Artie. Shrek saved your life. Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his friend. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE The lights dim. The curtain rises. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cue the spot! EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I wait alone up here. I'm trapped another day. Locked up here - please set me free. My new life I almost see, A castle, you and me. Yes, a castle you and me..." Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this crap for real? Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience. From the audience a knight holds up a candle. Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cherubs! The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a rope and pulley system. A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on horseback. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Tis I! Tis I! Upon my regal steed! Princess, my love, at last you shall be freed!" The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out of the clamshell. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I'm strong and brave, and dashing my way there! With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair!" Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Through the blistering desert..." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103. Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin puppet. EVIL TREES (SINGING) "Hot!" Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the sea serpent and crosses the sea. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Across the stormiest sea." EVIL DWARFS (SINGING) "Wet!" He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Facing creatures so vile!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Foul!" He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "So you can gaze upon me!" Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom of Rapunzel's tower. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I knew you'd come for me. And now we finally meet." PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I knew you'd wait. And from my plate of love you'd eat." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104. There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the audience, putting his hand to his ear. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel. Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage. MABEL Roar! Roar! Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some steam with a billow. EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle before him. INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs, cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly sit down. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Who is this terrible ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?" Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings. FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Will Charming fight? Or will he flee?" RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "Oh please, rescue me!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "From this monstrosity!" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105. Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra- high voice of a castrato. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Fear thee not Honey Lamb! I will slice this thing up like a HAM!" SHREK Oh boy. Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice climbs even higher. PRINCE CHARMING You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are NOT- (SINGING) "FamiliaAAAAAAR!" He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the audience. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt. SHREK Well it can't be anymore painful than the lousy performance you're giving. The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is thrown by their reaction. From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line. RUMPLESTILTSKIN "Prepare foul beast." He clears his throat and tries to get back into character. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Prepare foul beast, your time is done." SHREK Oooh, if you don't mind could you kill me, and then sing? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106. The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face. PRINCE CHARMING Be quiet! SHREK Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun with ya. That's actually a very nice leotard. PRINCE CHARMING Thank you. SHREK Do they come in men's sizes? The audience laughs again. HOOK He, he. Now that be funny. The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious. PRINCE CHARMING ENOUGH! The crowd falls silent. Prince Charming turns back to Shrek. PRINCE CHARMING Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you've worked for, everything that's precious to you taken away. Prince Charming raises his sword. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) Now you'll know how I felt. Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it. PRINCE CHARMING Ahhhhh! Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her. DRAGON Roar! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107. The Three Pigs come running down the aisle. PIG #1 Sausage Roll!! The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They strike a fighting pose. Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a flurry of kung-fu hands. The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the others. WOLF Arg. Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man. Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair net. She runs off crying. Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded. Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage. Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage. DONKEY (in Puss's body) Pray for mercy from... PUSS (in Donkey's body) ...Puss! He claps his hooves on the stage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And Donkey! He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom. PINOCCHIO (re: his bottom) Hey. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108. The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce poses and stand next to Shrek. The audience applauds. Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to the floor, revealing Fiona. FIONA Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You okay? SHREK Much better, now that you're here. AUDIENCE Awwwwwww! The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming raising his shackled wrists. SHREK So Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre to man? Prince Charming considers this for a second. PRINCE CHARMING Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea! Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly. The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a knife to her throat. The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum- ball. Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up. SHREK Fiona! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109. FIONA No! Let go of me! Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no use. Prince Charming's eyes narrow. PRINCE CHARMING You will not ruin things this time ogre. (TO VILLAINS) Kill it! Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in their eyes, stopping them in their tracks. ARTIE Everybody stop! PRINCE CHARMING (EXASPERATED) Oh, what is it now? SHREK Artie? Artie jumps from the spotlight. Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud. Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience stares in awe. After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable, sending the little person up in the air. Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek. He stands facing the Villains. ARTIE Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The other Villains follow suit. ARTIE You're telling me you just want to be Villains your whole lives? This gives the Villains pause. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110. CAPTAIN HOOK But we are Villains. It's the only thing we know. ARTIE Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? The Villains aren't convinced. EVIL TREE #2 Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. PRINCE CHARMING You morons! Don't listen to him! ATTACK THEM- Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then motions to Artie. EVIL TREE #1 What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. EVIL TREE #2 Right, thanks Ed. ARTIE Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But, ya know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... Artie shares a look with Shrek. ARTIE ... or just some loser... The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently. ARTIE (CONT'D) ...it doesn't mean you are one. The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles to break free. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111. ARTIE (CONT'D) The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. Artie commands the stage. ARTIE (CONT'D) If there's something you really want, or there's someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way ...is you. Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him. Rumplestiltskin is alarmed. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Me? OTHER PIRATES Get `im lads! ARTIE No, no, no! What I mean is: each of you is standing in your own way! VILLAINS Oooooooh! The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd. HEADLESS HORSEMAN I've always wanted to play the flute. The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other. The Evil Queen steps up. EVIL QUEEN I`d like to open up a spa in France. The Villains nod in agreement. CAPTAIN HOOK I grow daffodils! Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook. CAPTAIN HOOK And they're beautiful! Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112. The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Aaaahhhh! Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious, he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning. Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience. PRINCE CHARMING A new era finally begins! The audience cowers. Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Now, all of you, bow before your king! Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat. SHREK Ah-hem. Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he was never really stabbed. SHREK (CONT'D) You need to work on your aim. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113. Charming is stunned. PRINCE CHARMING This was supposed to be my happily ever after. Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet. He winces, but is still defiant. SHREK Well I guess you need to keep looking... Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles. SHREK ...cause I'm not giving up mine. Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's window. PRINCE CHARMING Mommy? It crashes down and he's trapped inside. As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up. SHREK It's yours if you want it, you know, but this time it's your choice. Artie considers it. He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him. Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them. They cheer him. Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Raul sobs with joy. ALL Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114. Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets carried away. In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around confused, clutching his show ticket. MERLIN Uh, excuse me, that's my seat. Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as Donkey and Puss confront him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The time has come to rectify some wrongs! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Although I have been enjoying these "cat baths." PUSS (in Donkey's body) Please say you didn't. MERLIN Uh... alright, alright...look.. Merlin rubs his hands together. MERLIN You're gonna feel a little pinch, and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick. Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other cautiously. PUSS Are you..? Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully. DONKEY I'm me again! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115. Puss checks out his own paws. PUSS And I am not you! Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug. DONKEY Alright! The two of them turn and walk away together. Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his eyes grow wide. MERLIN Oops. Ah, never mind. We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had Donkey's. Merlin slips away. Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance. SHREK What'd I tell ya? I think the kid's going to be a great King. FIONA Well, for what it's worth, you would have too. Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly. SHREK I have something much more important in mind. They kiss. The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around Shrek and Fiona as they kiss. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116. INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona by the fire. SHREK Ah, finally. Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap. OGRE BABIES Da da. A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to pick him up. One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the babies and Fiona a hug. The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Hey! I smell Shrek Jr. The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in through the door. Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is holding. She smiles at Shrek. The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and dirty diapers. Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug of war ensues. The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs. Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre laughs. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117. DONKEY Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper. QUEEN Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy. The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes and the Queen smiles. There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk. Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth. DONKEY Hey. Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the door. CUT TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself. The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by, spraying mud everywhere. CUT TO: INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss. Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118. Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth. Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace. Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed. SHREK Well, what shall we do now? CUT TO: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS A baby starts to cry. SHREK (SIGHS) I got it. The camera trucks out. THE END

Yes, but forward to...what? I totally agree a lot of you are tired of seeing or having the same discussion over and over again (I'm hardly posting anymore, just reading the same 6 people fight), but...you know...what is there to talk about? (A lot of people think) the game sucks isn't good (yet?), so what else is there to talk about?

I wouldn't be surprised if they never switch to CBT. I think the current system is good enough for what's needed and it clearly still has room for optimizations, rewriting it would be a big undertaking that might not even bring the expected benefits. Mortoc's essay was interesting but it shows why sometimes it's better to talk less, now everybody's expecting CBT to be delivered any day now and if they decide to drop it, people will be upset.

Audacity Memoirs of a Kerbonaut by Martina D Kerman Thread of the month! Thanks, kind nominee (whoever they were- let me know and I'll give you a cameo part ) Contents: Chapter 0 - Maps and stuff Chapter 1 - First Contact (scroll down!) Chapter 2 - Perseverance Chapter 3 - Darude Chapter 4 - Aftermath Chapter 5 - Gategrash Chapter 6 - Overture Chapter 7 - Progress Chapter 8 - Expectations... Chapter 9 - ...and reality Chapter 10 - Ablaze with stars, part 1 Chapter 11 - Ablaze with stars, part 2 Chapter 12 - Ablaze with stars, part 3 Chapter 13 - Love, and loss Chapter 14 - On a knife-edge Chapter 15 - Bah, politics! Chapter 16 - Bring the Mun Chapter 17 - The night is darkest before the dawn Chapter 18 - The beginning of the end Chapter 19 - The road to recovery Chapter 1 – First Contact It was the music that caught her attention first. That stirring, upbeat tune that sounded like a military march, simple yet instantly recognisable among the other jingles and ads.* The voiceover kicked in as the camera seemed to soar over mountains and shoot up through the sky until the sky changed from blue to black and the stars appeared. "We chose to go to the Mun, not because it was easy but because it was hard. Now, we choose to move on from our first steps to take our next giant leap forward into space." The immortal footage of the great Jebediah Kerman stepping down onto the Munar surface accompanied the first half of that sentence; the latter was backdropped by a panoramic image from the Spirit of Discovery rover from Duna’s surface, Ike hanging low in the sky overhead. "Our programmes continue to expand with more recruits arriving every day." A montage of trainees going through their regimen of exercises, underwater EVA practices, centrifuge training and more flashed across the screen. Scientists in white coats and engineers in yellow overalls traded notes in front of a scale model of the Acapello rocket, pilots flew simulated manoeuvres to dock with a space station, a Javelin launch booster dropped onto its landing barge with a tremendous plume of fire from its engine exhausts and (miraculously) stayed upright and in one piece when the engines shut down. "There’s only one thing missing..." A space suited figure appeared in the centre of the screen, flipped up their visor and looked directly at the camera- directly at her. It was the very same Jebediah Kerman, and he pointed right at her. "-You!" A final musical flourish and the screen cut to black with just the familiar red logo and the slogan "Kerbal Space Program - join now!" "That doesn’t look like homework to me," a voice from behind her made Tina jump. Too late she tried to click onto something homework related but instead managed to start the video again. Several frantic button presses later it eventually stopped and she turned to face her father, blushing furiously when she saw the amusement on his face. "Um..." was all she could think of to say. Dad put on a mock stern expression. "Homework. Now. Or I’ll eat your Minmus sorbet." It was an idle threat- Dad was on a strict diet and everyone knew it, and he liked to complain about it every mealtime. "Yes, Daddy." Tina played the Daddy’s Girl card, looking up with big, round eyes and slightly trembling lower lip, and he laughed and walked away but left the door open so she could hear him muttering loudly: "Mmmm, Minmus sorbet. I can barely remember what it tastes like, maybe I could sneak a little spoonful from the freezer..." Tina smiled, but it faded quickly as she turned back to the English essay that was supposed to be written by now, the cursor blinking mockingly at her on the empty page. It was hopeless- that poem made no sense to her at all, how was she supposed to write a thousand words about some stupid people from hundreds of years ago swooning over each other. She stood up from the desk, grabbed her phone and a jacket and was downstairs and out the door in seconds with a "That was quick!" from Dad following her out. She headed for the end of the street, through the little play park and out to the open field at the edge of town, then cut across the north side to her usual spot on the bank of a small river. It was quiet here, just the sound of the river and birds and the wind rustling through the trees and she felt herself relaxing with every deep breath of that fresh country air. A muffled thud reverberated through the air, almost felt more than heard. She sat up, slightly too quickly, looking around to find the source. A second, louder thud came shortly afterwards and she scanned the skies again with no luck. Only a supersonic spaceplane made that distinctive double sonic boom, but there weren’t any flights scheduled anywhere near here according to kerbinspacetracker.com or- A much louder bang came from behind the trees, accompanied by a chorus of car alarms. The trees themselves seemed to be rustling with increasing volume and the river looked like it was rippling. She climbed back up the bank to get a better view and was promptly blasted back down by a tremendous wall of heat and noise and light that made her teeth rattle and her ears ache. When it had finally stopped, she cautiously peeked over the edge of the bank. The ground looked scorched, the trees had lost most of their leaves and the field was covered by smoke and steam, but there was no mistaking the shape sticking up at an angle in the middle. It was a Dynawing. Tina grabbed her phone and took a picture, then reconsidered and began recording a video as she slowly approached the downed shuttle. She saw what looked like an airbrake with its outer tip buried in the ground and a single wheel, torn off its mount by the impact, and then she saw the shuttle itself, sad and broken now, resting on its belly and one valiant landing gear that hadn't been torn off in the crash, missing half a wing and- pointing backwards? The marks on the ground confirmed it: the Dynawing was facing the wrong way. Even more intriguingly, the scorch marks on the ground suggested that the engines had fired to bring it to a halt, so it had either landed fast and spun around, or else it had actually landed backwards. The heatproof panels were still smoking slightly so she kept her distance, still recording, when suddenly a ladder deployed below the cabin hatch in front of her and the hatch itself opened with a clang and a hiss. A space suited figure emerged, clambering down the ladder and hopping the short drop to the ground. When they turned round, Tina’s jaw dropped: it was Valentina Kerman, the most famous female astronaut ever and her greatest hero. Tina had dressed up as Val last Halloween, had a little bobble head Val sitting on her desk back at home, followed every social media account she had, and now here she was right in front of her!! Val noticed her and waved; Tina was too star-struck to respond, which made Val come over and ask "Are you OK?" She tried to speak but couldn’t so resorted to nodding. "Jeb, you nearly landed on someone!" Val shouted up to the open hatch. "‘Nearly’ being the key word in that sentence," replied a voice that was instantly familiar to Tina. She felt giddy- first Val, now Jeb too!? It couldn’t be... A second astronaut emerged from the hatch and climbed down to the ground. Tina was slightly disappointed that it wasn’t Jeb, but only slightly. "Nice idea with that monopropellant thruster, Val, it sure did the trick." "Thanks, Nat. Still, I can’t take all the credit-" she punctuated this remark with a nod of her head towards the hatch and a roll of her eyes at the same time-" and anyway, it was you who figured out that the SAS core was misaligned in the first place to give me enough control for that manoeuvre." "I heard that eye roll, Val!" Val stuck her tongue out in the direction of the hatch. "AND that stuck out tongue! I know all your tricks, Valentina." "Really? I didn’t see you suggesting that monopropellant thruster trick, Jebediah..." Val retorted. Nat laughed. "She’s got you there, Jeb." Jeb suddenly appeared on the roof of the shuttle, tool two steps then jumped off and only just got his parachute open in time yet managed to land perfectly. He spotted Tina and her phone, struck a glamorous pose and said "And that, viewers, is how you land a Dynawing backwards!" Val snorted. "‘Land’ indeed; ‘belly flop with the grace of a brick through a plate glass window’ would be more accurate." Tina giggled; Jeb acted outraged. "You’re taking her side!? Me, the greatest pilot in all of spacedom, who just landed a Dynawing BACKWARDS, and you pick Valentina ‘use the monopropellant thruster’ Kerman over me!?" "Electronics are all shut down, fuel cells disabled and fuel tanks locked off." A fourth astronaut emerged from the shuttle and joined them. He spotted Tina straight away. "And who might you be, young lady?" "I’m Tina," she replied in barely more than a whisper. "Hey, just like me!" Val grinned. HOW COULD SHE NOT HAVE NOTICED THIS BEFORE!?!?!? Sirens were approaching in the distance and a crowd was already gathering at the edge of the field, phones and cameras clicking furiously. "Alright people, selfie time!" Jeb plucked Tina’s phone from her hands and propped it against a rock a few paces away. "In three, two-" "Wait!" Val interrupted. She popped her helmet off and plonked it on Tina’s head, nearly making her fall over under its weight. Jeb rolled his eyes theatrically. "Whenever you’re ready..." "Ready." "Three, two, one-" Click. BOOOOOM!!! "Uh, Doodul? Did you turn off ALL the fuel cells?" "Oops..." THUNK. A lump of smoking debris bounced off Tina’s helmet, leaving a little scorch mark, then landed straight on top of her phone and cracked the screen. "Nice going, Jeb..." muttered Val. "Hey! That wasn’t MY fault!" Jeb retorted. "You stole the poor girl’s phone and then it got broken, how is that not your fault?" Nat chimed in. "Fine, if it makes you happy..." Jeb pulled a notepad and pen out of a pocket, scribbled something on it and handed it to Tina, but when she went to take it he snatched it away and said "Nope, you chose Val’s side, so I don’t like you." The big grin on his face said otherwise, and he handed her the note again. "Just make sure that gets framed and hung on your wall, OK?" The first of the first responders had just arrived. The four astronauts and Tina headed towards them, picking up her damaged phone on the way. Half way there, Val and Tina slowed down for a chat. "So what do you want to be when you grow up?" Val asked. "I want to be an astronaut, like you." Tina replied, still unable to talk above a near whisper. Val smiles. "Excellent choice! Well, if you work hard at school, do all your homework- ALL your homework," she added as she saw Tina grimacing, "then when you’re ready, you send in an application to the Space Program and I’ll talk to some people and get you a place." "Really?" Tina was thrilled. "Sure" Anyone with such an impeccable choice of favourite astronaut deserves to join the Program." "I heard that!" Jeb shouted over his shoulder. Val peeled her name badge off her suit and stuck it on Tina’s jacket. "Just keep hold of that, so I know it’s really you. I will need that helmet back though." Tina was actually glad to lose the helmet, it was really heavy and the rim was digging into her arms as she tried to prop it up. Another explosion shook the downed Dynawing, sending a fireball into the sky and causing the last wheel to collapse, shaking the ground as it settled heavily onto its belly. "Just promise me when you’re an astronaut, you won’t do that," Vall added and Tina nodded so quickly she made herself feel dizzy. As they reached the crowd at the edge of the field, Tina spotted her parents at the front and ran to them. They immediately started fussing over her. "Are you OK? Are you hurt? What happened to your phone?" "I’m fine, really!" "I take it you’re her parents," Val said from behind her. "Unfortunately, yes." Dad replied. "Well, I told her that if she wants to become an astronaut, she has to finish ALL her homework. Can you make sure she does that?" A very mischievous grin appeared on Dad’s face. "Absolutely! Right young lady, you have an English essay to write and I have a Minmus sorbet to eat." "No you certainly do not!" Mum rebuked him. "You're on a diet." Dad sulked. Val was about to walk away, but turned back and quickly signed her own name on the note Jeb had given Tina. "We both know who your favourite astronaut is," she whispered loudly enough that Jeb could hear it; Jeb sulked even more than Dad. The four astronauts were escorted through the crowd by police, stopping for photographs and autographs, then climbed into four separate ambulances and were rushed away with a police escort, while firefighters tried to contain the fires as much as they could and prevent the river being polluted by leaking rocket fuel. On their way back home, Tina read the note Jeb had given her and was confused by it- I. O. U., Jeb. Dad explained: "An IOU is what you give someone when you owe them some money, but can't pay it right there and then. It's basically a promise that you'll pay them later once you have the money." "I think we have a picture frame somewhere, we might be able to get the pictures off your phone and print one out to put on your wall with that note and your name badge," Mum said. "Hey! That's for my before and after diet photos!" Dad protested, then seeing everyone's expressions added, "And there will be an after photo, too." Never in all of history had anyone eaten a Minmus sorbet so slowly, and with so many appreciative "mmm"s and "yum"s and bowl scrapes to extract every last minty morsel, as Tina did that evening. Later that night, after everyone else had gone to sleep, Tina still lay awake. The events of that evening were replaying over and over in her head. She got up and walked over to the window, and as if on cue the clouds parted and revealed the full Mun in all its glory, illuminating everything with its soft white light. She looked up at it, trying to pick out the place where only last year Jeb, Fleegus and Bartger has taken those famous first steps, and trips and falls and faceplants, on its surface. Some day she was going to do the same, or if not the Mun then on Minmus, Duna or Ike or even Gilly. Some day she too would be strapped to many tons of explosive rocket fuel and hurled into the sky on a giant trail of fire and fury, then travel on to other worlds; or even other solar systems, if the rumours she had picked up online about Grannus being real were true. Some day she too would become a Kerbonaut. Of that, she was absolutely certain. Chapter 2 (*Yup, it's KSP Theme. They did it with the Imperial March in Solo, and if it's good enough for Star Wars...)

Why would it have the density of Kerbin? The only reason Kerbin has an absurd density is to give it the same surface gravity as Earth despite its miniscule size. The whole point of a real-sized solar system would be to not have planets made out of unealistic materials or suns that could never sustain fusion. Talk about reality! You're working from the assumption that everything has to be the same as the Kerbol system. Me and others don't—that's the whole point of other systems. In KSP1 you're forced to replace the Kerbol system with a modded version if you want something Earth-sized. For the record, personally I don't care. I see great opportunities for KSP2 for someone to introduce a modded system that has solar-system like properties without replacing what we already have but you're telling me they can't because that would break the rules you have about the Kerbal "universe?"

Black holes don't work, it's why people asked for a bug tracking forum: if I say A is bad and don't hear anything back, then I assume nothing happened. A lot of people will say A is bad, not hear anything back and move on to another game, I'm sure that if the goal really is to see a good KSP2 somewhere down the line, then you'll easily understand how important is to receive a response when you knock (and in some cases kick) a door. Bugs got their subforum now, with upvotes and bug hunters engaging the community. Now we need CM/PR/Devs or whoever it is to engage the community as they should about the complaints that are not bugs. The apology is more about yesterday, nothing else. I can also obviously not talk about literally anyone else but me, as I'm sure there's a lot of people that don't even care about an apology, or even care about what happened yesterday. I can't talk for them. More to help people avoid what a lot of players seem to perceive as a very toxic customer vs team relationship. You wouldn't join an EA for some game that hasn't been able to put out new content in 6 months and doesn't have it on sight until end of year, whilst also still carrying release bugs and what happened yesterday. There's also the very basic fact that if you don't mess with the hornets they won't sting (not sure how this saying translates to English), what part of the community is doing is a response to what they get. Entirely a matter of perspective. I heavily disliked what Dakota said yesterday on Discord, as that's berating and provoking the community, even if you remove the botting accusations, he still went way over the line. I'm also not sure which threads you happened to visit but it is very obvious that if people are posting evidence of users harassing others, coming at them with "we have a very tight code of conduct" in their faces is not gonna be well received.

how does one make, keep, and better friendships? i struggle with all of these- if you're trying to make a friendship, you talk to someone, right? say hi? well after that what do you say? talk about the weather? well that's only gonna get you so far. you could talk about common interests, but having common interests means you both know what is to be known about the subject. and keeping/bettering friendships- how does that work? so far playing video games together is a pretty good way to keep a friendship, i've found, but what if the person doesn't play games? and how much should you text people, and what should you text them? because i don't know, i only text people when necessary for practical reasons, but i've been told that i should text more. I'd certainly like to text more, especially if it'll help friendships, but I don't know what to say, and when I have an idea, I'm too anxious to put it to any use- am I being annoying? if it's a question or advice, am I just selfishly using them as a resource and nothing more? and how much should I text? and how do I get out of what I call the "acquaintance-zone", where you've talked to someone, kinda know them, but not that well, especially if you don't get to see the person too much?

Will KSP 3 features alien Kerbals, black holes?

I already listed some examples earlier. Now you can say “Well that’s just Elon time/talk”, but the fact remains he does say these things, regardless of whether they are realistic or likely or not.

Do you expect this would happen? Seems unlikely. As for kids born there... they would be outside of law here anyway. Ask the Martian courts I guess <shrug>. I have concerns about this as well. We have no idea if Martian gravity is even safe long term. We have an N of ~78B for humans in 1g, and an N of a few hundred (times whatever the average stay in space is) for microgravity, and an N of a few days times 12 guys in 1/6g. If I were working on Mars as a plan, I'd build a space station with a couple Starships tethered, and spin them up to 0.38g and raise some animals, breed them, etc, and see how it goes. Otherwise send the human exploration teams (adults would would want to go anyway, even if just to visit), and raise animals as part of the research. The early colony dev missions build infrastructure, and raise mammals to test for bone loss, etc. This lasts enough synods to get good data before people talk about having kids on Mars. Under the assumption you are not a parent, I seriously doubt any parents would knowingly put their kids at extreme risk. So I don't see a family moving to early Mars habitats (once it's safe as airliners to get there, and decades of people living there, maybe). Choosing to have kids on Mars? Maybe some will as long as returning to Earth is an option, but if the safety of that is marginal, who would take the risk?