Suffering with depression

[golkaidakhaana]

Before anyone asks, the main reason why I have chosen the KSP forums above all else is, aside from it being the only community I am really active in, seems to be mostly used by mature and intelligent adults and not people who would humiliate and/or insult me, or accuse me of attention-seeking.

For the past 10 of my nearly 24 years alive, I have been depressed for a variety of reasons. For the most part, I'd gradually get better with the help of antidepressants and counselling and on one occasion the use of a suicide hotline, but during 2018 it returned with a vengeance, brought on first by my diagnois with schizophrenia, fueled by the stigma I recieved because of it, and culminating with the passing of my father, aged 53 from prostate cancer, last week on the 26th February. I have virtually no contact with any of my family, very few friends, poor social skills, no job, no significant other, and now no real reason to live. I've been doing nothing but playing KSP (I have over 3000 hours in Steam, the only game I've played recently), watching random Youtube videos and using amateur radio ever since I moved out of my dad's house 3 years ago, and the only person I've really talked to in this timeframe is my dad so his passing has greatly affected me. I've barely had any sleep and have been almost constantly in tears. I have n chance of success in life, everyone tells me "it'll get better" but I have patiently waited a decade and see no end in sight for my depression, so please someone kindly tell me why I should go on living.

[SuperMiiBrother]

I can´t think of anything to say, But I´m sorry for your loss and you got it much easier than me: I´m only 13 and my father died 6 days before yours did, On Feb 20th in the morning he had sudden cardiac arrest and was confirmed to have passed away about 2-3 hours later. Is your mom still alive? Maybe you can stay with her if you aren´t already.

With your father´s case, You and him both knew he had limited time left, So you could spend more time with him before he died. I´m addicted to video games, A few years ago my great grandmother died too, I couldn´t tell her goodbye. I was too busy playing video games and when asked if I wanted to go visit her, I said I wanted to play video games. That was a lesson that should have stuck. It didn´t, And now I had to pay the ultimate price of losing my dad without warning. You knew it would happen. I didn´t. 

Edited March 4, 2019 by SuperMiiBrother

[klesh]

Hey buddy.

1-800-273-8255

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

 

You sound like you've got some real difficult things going on, and the fact that you're posting about it is a start in looking for help.  Please get some; see a professional.  Peeps on an internet forum, no matter how well-intentioned, will not have the proper medical and mental health advice you need right now.

 

[tater]

Wow, that's tough. Glad you are at least seeing a professional. There's no more stigma than there is with any other disease process (among thinking people, anyway, I realize idiots at large can be a problem). Something is broken (like a pancreas for diabetics) and needs to be addressed. Has your doc treated your schizophrenia yet? I know that's a long road, my brother was schizophrenic (cancer got him, not that). Eventually they got the right mix of treatment and he did OK. 

 

 

[Gargamel]

Before you make any decision that you can't undo, give these people a try:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

It is a list of local services at your disposal.   Please, please take advantage of these. 

None of us here can give you the full support and guidance you need, but we will try to help out as much as we can.  

At the very least, give one of those numbers a call, and talk to somebody.  

 

[golkaidakhaana]

Thank you everyone for the kind words, I have realised I need to seek help. Hopefully I'll book an appointment with my counsellor this week. I really just needed to talk about my depression and get it out in the open and I think it has helped, also seeing people who actually care has motivated me to do something about it.

@SuperMiiBrother I'm deeply sorry for your loss, that mustve been a very difficult situation for you and your family to deal with.

@tater Thank you and yes, I have been taking antipsychotic medication for several years, luckily I no longer experience major symptoms, and I am sorry for the loss of your brother.

[tater]

@sslaptnhablhat thanks. Glad to hear that one part of the issue is at least under control. I know that the depression bit is also treatable, though that too sometimes requires a little work to figure, it's my understanding it's really treatable. Good luck.

[p1t1o]

21 hours ago, sslaptnhablhat said:

Before anyone asks, the main reason why I have chosen the KSP forums above all else is, aside from it being the only community I am really active in, seems to be mostly used by mature and intelligent adults and not people who would humiliate and/or insult me, or accuse me of attention-seeking.

For the past 10 of my nearly 24 years alive, I have been depressed for a variety of reasons. For the most part, I'd gradually get better with the help of antidepressants and counselling and on one occasion the use of a suicide hotline, but during 2018 it returned with a vengeance, brought on first by my diagnois with schizophrenia, fueled by the stigma I recieved because of it, and culminating with the passing of my father, aged 53 from prostate cancer, last week on the 26th February. I have virtually no contact with any of my family, very few friends, poor social skills, no job, no significant other, and now no real reason to live. I've been doing nothing but playing KSP (I have over 3000 hours in Steam, the only game I've played recently), watching random Youtube videos and using amateur radio ever since I moved out of my dad's house 3 years ago, and the only person I've really talked to in this timeframe is my dad so his passing has greatly affected me. I've barely had any sleep and have been almost constantly in tears. I have n chance of success in life, everyone tells me "it'll get better" but I have patiently waited a decade and see no end in sight for my depression, so please someone kindly tell me why I should go on living.

It wont "get better".

But you can "make it better".

There are actions you can take to improve your circumstances, and by far the best action you can take is communicating openly with other people, which is what you have done.

So I think you are close to being on a better track.

I dont have professional, hands-on experience with treating depression, but by far the most common and most widely respected piece of advice is simply to talk. Not about everything to anyone, of course. Make intelligent choices. But talk. 

I can easily believe that depression makes this harder, puts up obstacles to communication, or strongly discourages you - symptoms of the disease, not personal mistakes. And this is why I think that it is true that communication in almost any form is the best advice.

 

21 hours ago, sslaptnhablhat said:

tell me why I should go on living.

To be brutally honest - because you are not the only person with depression, and countless people build lives despite the challenge.

I say that not to be harsh or condescending, but to show that it is possible.

 

FWIW - I dont have depression but have had my share of very sad things happen. I didnt know what to do or where to turn and was spinning. I talked to my parents basically because I had no other options. I was shocked at how much just talking helped. It might sound simplistic, suggesting that merely mouthing the words could have a significant impact, but like I said, I was shocked.

[tater]

@p1t1o makes some good points. I've not experienced clinical/organic depression, myself (though I've had the usual issues people go through in life with breaks ups, deaths, etc), but I'd second his points. I also know people who have been diagnosed and treated for depression, and their results in treatment have been really good, though for a couple of them it took quite a while to finally manage (they tried different medical interventions, and getting doses and which one took a while).

[sh1pman]

@sslaptnhablhat wish you well. I’ve never had a depression, but I know people who did. One of them got through it with medicine, and the other started drawing manga, got really obsessed with it, began meeting with other artists, even traveled to Japan, etc. She seems quite happy now. Sorry, I don’t know much about the condition, but there are ways out.

[SQUAD]

Please note we have reached out privately to this player. If you are in need of suicide support, we encourage you to find local resources at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/