1. Make a lot of cannons.
2. Invade Egypt.
3. Defeat the bad sheikhs, become a friend of good sheikhs.
4. Do big business with big sheikhs.
5. Hire some Arabs with whips, get many Arabs with baskets as a gift from your friendly Sheikh (also a business partner on the Suez Channel construction, etc.).
6. Mine the limestone at far South, burn it into lime on the local charcoal.
7. Bring the lime to Cairo. Mine the sand at Nile.
8. Make the Arabs with baskets bring the lime, the sand, the water to the place of your choice.
9. Make them start building a bad concrete wall (lime+sand+water) around a flat stone hill (the pyramid basement).
10. Make them fill it with ground inside.
11. Get a ground hill with concrete block stones around, and a tricky set of internal chambers, forming a strange hydrostatic fountain system. Let the fools think that it's a stone monolith inside, rather than a pile of junk and ground.
12. Dismiss the survivors, and utilize them in a nice pet cematary for a million of persons without any traces of proper mummifications-schmummifications.
13. Repeat pp.1-12.
14. Find the Copts. Explain them that they are true ancestors of the Ancient Egyptians (tm), unlike the Egyptian Arabs.
15. Call their language Ancient Egyptian.
16. Invent the aesthetically perfect Egyptian graphics and hieroglyphics, without any predecessors, with no ancestors.
(No joke, it's a memetic masterpiece of art for further mass reproduction. Once seen, can be never forgotten, but can be easily reproduced by parts copypasting, by the laziest and silliest student of arts).
17. Try to pick it up with a shovel and through into the fan as Horapollo's manuscripts.
18. Say oops, after realizing that there are a lot of concepts which can't be represented graphically (abstract ideas, verbs, a hundred of crop names or fishes).
19. Invent first simplified hieratic, then almost stenographic demotic scriptings, based on the failed hieroglyphics.
20. Make the fake Rosette Stone, which would be called idiotic if it was not made from despair.
Hieroglyphic, demotic, and Greek incriptions on the same memorial caption.
Like if you make a memorial caption in Roman letters, Gothic letters, and stenographic scratches...
(In more close analogy for Russian: in Ancient Greek, in Church Slavonic, and in stenography.)
A cultured Ancient Egyptian would be happy with hieroglyphs, a Hellinistic person - with Ancient Greek.
From what the hell could they take the idea to add the demotic text??? The only purpose is to present the demotics to the wide public, as a way to write long Ancient Egyptian (tm) texts.
21. Find a talented linguist Champollion (and several others). Intrigue his professional vanity, let him "discover" the "Ancient Egyptian" language which you've just finished inventing. Huzza, huzza!
22. Publish his works, intrigue everyone, let everyone touch the mystic world of hot Ancient MidEast beauty, make the Ancient Egypt a classic setting. Her Deity Isis in thin clothes with wings is our everything!
23. Champollion and some of his colleagues suddenly die tragically, but right in time.
24. Open the mummy market, make hundreds of thousands of them in Egypt, then sell in Europe as a medicine, an aphrodisiac, and just a funny toy.
And khopesh! Make as many bronze khopeshes as you can. Screw the idea that the copper should be mined with iron pickaxes, melted on charcoal (yes, those three palms on the horizon), and the tin mining was absolutely rare until the iron age.
25. Put the pyramid construction junk in four piles one-by-one, put a statue head on the first one, fill the gaps with junk and ground, cover it from side with bricks, call it Sphinx. In early XX add paws and tail for kittiness.
26. Give funny names to the pyramids. Call the biggest "HF", which is either Cheops, or Khufu, or other versions. But probably just "Jefe" / "Chief", /HeFe/.
Btw, they indeed were trying to make something working inside.
Every pyramid has a hydrostatic sistem, formed by its chambers and "shafts". Their vertical positions match each other, like if they are to be filled with some viscous liquid from top.
The "great gallery" looks similar to other same structures, like the "Ulugbek observatory" in Samarkand, or Fort Lippe near Elvas, Portugal. It's bad to climb up, but it's good to pour from top.
The "Bent Pyramid" aka "Snofru Pyramid" is a monument of engineering fakeups.
First they were trying to build it with the original, sharp angle, from the Cestius pyramid in Rome and "Nubian" pyramids.
But then it began crushing under its weight. They quickly changed the angle, but soon had to do this again, getting the final angle which they use for Cheops and others.
But as the thing became lower, the planned hydrostatic system appeared to not fit the actual size of the pyramid, so they had to put a half of it outside, building a satellite pyramid to place it inside.
The sarcophagus is put on some another collapsed structure inside the pyramid.
So, the "Bent/Snofru pyramid" should be named "Thousand Facepalm Pyramid".
What's the purpose of the hydrostatic system inside?
That's not enough clear. The only thing we may be absolutely sure, it's made by bad people for greater evil, because good people with good intentions don't build pyramids with mummies.